Welp, We're Here

It's 2024, now. The last few years have been challenging.
To say the least. Not sure where this year will go. Or how.
Because it's just felt like a drain in some ways.
I spent Christmas just resting all day, at home, alone.

Haven't been feeling like writing lately. 
Been working on a project,
that I'm not going to get into detail about here.

Been disappointed. By a lot. Many times.
To the point of exhaustion. 
And feel like I need to recharge for a redirection of my energy.
Towards my project.

It seems a lot of people focus on some things
that is kind of a waste of time. 
Those things. 



I used to do things that weren't really a good use of my time.
Because there are so many options that we can choose to do with our time.

Like when we get invested in our bad habits. 
Energy that could be spent on better habits. 

Blogging helped me figure out some things. 
Like reflecting on certain things that have been on my mind. 
Things that have been bothering me...
It's more about WHY they bother me...

Been able to untangle some inner struggles. 
From reflecting and contemplating things. 
That's a good use of my time.

Used to torment myself by lamenting about things
and ruminating... 
All it did for me was keep me in a rut.
For years and that's a lot of wasted time. 
When I could have been doing other things.

Thinking about other things. 
Things that will help me progress. 
Because progress is important to me.
Whether I do that alone, or with someone one day...
I mean progressing on an inner level. 
Because that's what I've needed, in my life.
So that those feelings that used to come up, don't, as much. 

Feeling like that, so deeply, is pretty tough. 
Especially not being able to cope with it. 
As I have learned by having things thrown at me
that I really struggled with for a really long time.

Mostly because I was at such a low
that I didn't know how to get out of that emotional rut.
And there were a bunch of things that I needed to realize
because I was so distracted by doing things I was used to doing
and wasn't getting to the place I wanted to be, internally, 
because I had no idea how to get there.
So I just kept struggling and struggling.
Because what else could I do?
I didn't know then what I know now. 

I didn't see the world the way I see it now. 
I'm different now that I'm almost 40 years old
than when I was 20 years old.

When I was young and slammed really hard
by things that weren't in my control...

But there are things that are within my control. 
And I wasn't thinking about my own take on things
or what I was taking from the situation. 

Without people to really talk about how I felt, 
it made it hard because I felt like nobody really 'got it' or 'got me.'
Even when people tried helping me, I'd push them away. 
Which I regret that I did. I wish I hadn't.

I guess I wasn't ready to get out of where I was at.
Or I was just so used to being there
that I didn't believe it was possible to feel some other way
that even closely resembled how I wish I could have felt. 
And maybe related to the beliefs I had
about what I thought would make me happy that just weren't doing it. 
It was me. I had to do it. 
Nobody was going to do it for me.
So I stopped emphasizing wanting what I used to want
because that was getting me nowhere.


I saw a commercial for some sort of program
and the guy was talking about how people can get addicted
to the chemicals of certain emotions.
What I mean is that all emotions have chemicals.

But it kind of reminds me a bit about a doctor I had.
She was asking me if I enjoyed being depressed!
All because I don't want to take antidepressants. 
It's my choice whether I want to or not.
Shouldn't be put on anyone to ingest something.

I was on a heavy drug that had insane side effects.
I don't want to go through that again.
It was psycological torture.
Had me pretty messed up.
So much better without that crap in my system.
And that was an experience "trusting" a doctor
when it comes to medication....
There are usually risks.
But what risks am I taking?
When it comes to my health?


Since then, that experience made me question a lot. 
So it's my choice.
Like how people were being forced to get the jab. 
What if the jab was that grape flavoraid?
People got on that wagon without knowing
what kind of a wagon it is. 
We justassume that if it wasn't okay, 
they wouldn't be getting people to get it.

Not saying anything specifically about the jab, 
but figuratively, I bet people who got poisoned
probably didn't think they would be.


It's been so hard the last few years especially. 
But when you have to do what you have to do
regardless of anything going on... 
Then that's what is what it is.

I was stuck in situations I wasn't happy in. 
Because it wasn't helping me grow. 
I was just a shell of a person. 
And I'm thankful I broke out of that shell. 


It just bugs me that people thinking and assuming sh*t about me. 
And just judging me based on their assumptions. 
And treating me whatever way because they judged me.

It gets frustrating. It gets tiring. 
To the point that I'm not even really bent on trying to prove myself anymore.
Because... Is there a point?
Just because I could do something
doesn't mean I should.
Or should have to. 
Let alone over and over and over.


It's been cold in here. My hands are always cold.