Writing, Reading, Watching

It's been hard... I know that I contributed to this. 
At the same time, I felt that I was never good enough....
That no matter how much I tried to show him, 
he'll always think whatever he wants to think about me. 

And the same goes for everyone else. 

They will only change if they want to..... 
I can't force them to know that I love them. 

I can't make them understand that what they did to me
damaged me, too. 
It wasn't about just what I was doing.... 
I still tried and kept trying. 
Until they'd push me away..... 

And now, no matter how much I want to fix things... 
I feel like I can't because they never let me
and this isn't something that can be fixed.... 
But it's all about how I ruined everything.... 
Not about how they were with me that lead up to this.....

And I still feel like I have an obligation, like I did all along.... 

It p*sses me off when people treat me like
it's all about me ignoring them
or something that I did.... 
When they emotionally abuse me.... 
For years and they don't want to take the blame. 
And yet I forgive them constantly.... 

And I STILL want a realationship with my son. 
That I know that I can't have now. 
And it was ABOUT HIM, TOO. 

IT'S LIKE EVERYONE'S ALLOWED TO BE SH*TTY TO ME, 
BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

THEY JUST WANT IT TO BE ABOUT
HOW I WAS BEING SH*TTY TO THEM....

LIKE HOW THEY FORCED ME TO GIVE UP.....
THEY JUST WANT IT TO BE ABOUT HOW I GAVE UP.....
WHEN THEY LITERALLY IGNORED ME FOR YEARS.....

AND I STILL KEPT TRYING..... 
AND THIS IS ALL ABOUT HOW I WAS BEING SH*TTY?!

I'm not perfect. Never was, never will be....
But I kept trying. Over and over and over....

I let it be THEIR choice.
And I have to accept it, 
but they made it seem like I had a choice.... 

But when they push me away, on purpose....
What choice do I have?

It's been like this ALL MY LIFE.....
But whenever I just go my own way.....
It's ME abandoning THEM
when THEY were not there for ME.

And my mother trying to contact me
just because the hospital contacted her....
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION....
I didn't even KNOW they did....
Until she was calling for an UPDATE..... wtf?

I stopped telling her things....
Because she will never understand how I feel. 
She treated me (consitently throughout my life)
like I have no f*cking feelings....

I can see why my son feels that way about me. 
He thinks I never fought for him, I did. 
He thinks I didn't want him, I still do. 
Even with the f*cking emotional and psychological abuse...

Even though I have to get counselling and therapy.....
To try to DEAL with this.... 
But to try to deal with my own mistakes, too. 

Because he thinks that I don't care. 
Just because my family has had nothing to do with him. 
For years.... And he stopped trying with them, too. 

I get that it hurts. It has hurt me, too. 
But just because they hurt me
doesn't give me the right to hurt other people....

I'm just not wanting to have that conversation with them
and point out all the times they were sh*tty to me....
For them to deny it
and get mad AT ME for bringing it up....
When we never address anything.... 
"Don't blame me!!!"
Like it's MY fault that they were sh*tty to me?!

And I'm never allowed to say f*ck all about that.... Ever....
Just keep forgiving them..... 
For sh*t they'll never be sorry for
because they would rather blame ME.

They are allowed to speak up 
and tell me things that they didn't like
and how they feel and felt about it.....
But it's like I'm not allowed.....

My brother (who isn't talking to me anymore)
said: "Just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you have to shove it in anyone's face...."

Because he's one of the ones who won't face himself
and how his sh*ttiness affects other people....
And he walked out of my life.....

It shows how many people are actually there for me....

But yeah, I see how I've been over the years. 
And how I blamed other people for my own sh*t. 
But they are not taking responsibility for their own sh*t
and I can't open their eyes and make them see
because that only makes them mad at me.....

Like "Don't come around and pretend like you GAF
just because I reached a breaking point
and ended up in the hospital again...."

Especially when you're part of that breaking point.....

And I hate that my son sees me as someone he can't talk to.....
Because he f*cking scared me. 
Because I don't know how serious he is 
about the things he was saying.....

And I felt that I had to try to protect myself and other people.... 

But maybe I didn't need to. Maybe he wasn't as serious as he seemed....
And how was I to know? Just trust him?
And he feels like he can't trust me now?

All because I took some advice 
that I probably shouldn't have taken?

I didn't know what to do!
What could I do?
Sweep everything under the rug?
And pretend that things are okay?
Isn't that what I've been doing?
Pretending that I am okay?
When I have panic attacks every day?

And sleeping is the only way I seem to have
to get through the days.....
And that's what the medication does....

I need to get help. I'm really not doing well. 
But a lot of it is from actions that I took.

So do I blame myself? 
Whether I do or not, I am. 

I can see how others were with me. 
But I can only blame myself
for how I was with them..... 
Not for how they were with me..... 

And I don't feel that I was as bad 
as anyone made me out to be. 
I had my faults, I made my mistakes, 
but I really never wanted to hurt anyone. 
I was really hurt myself. I still am. 

I have to talk about it. 

I wish he knew the truth.
That I fought for him. 
Maybe not as hard as I could have.... 
I needed help back then. 
To even stand up for myself and for him.... 

Where was my family THEN?
When I had to go through THAT?

And my son had to go through that, too. 
Thinking that I wanted to just send him away. 
It wasn't like that. It wasn't. 
But yes, he got hurt. He was hurt. He is hurt. 

My family just giving up on him
like they did to me, and picking and choosing
when they would be there for him.... And for me.... 

And this is how it actually is
although they'd try to spin it differently
to save their own images.... 

Like I had a chance to just leave.... 
But I kept going back
because family still meant something to my Grandmother....
So I kept trying for HER. 
And for some stupid idea that I could maybe
have a relationship with my mother one day.... 
But I still can't because she can't SEE 
the damage she did to me. 
And to my son.... 

But I blame myself for exposing him to that.... 
It wasn't fair to him. Or to me. 

And I get how he's mad at me. 
And why he's mad at me. 

And he wants nothing to do with me
and THAT IS MY FAULT. 

AND I AM HAVING ISSUES LIVING WITH THIS
AND WITH MYSELF.... 

AND WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN AS A RESULT
AND I CANNOT MAKE THEM SEE.....

And I still need help with this.... 

I tried other things. 
Delusional things.... 
Trying to change my beliefs.... 
Hoping that it will help....

And medication isn't helping.... 
Just knocks me out.... 

And I feel like sh*t to the level
that I do not want to be here anymore.... 

I often feel like I can't do this anymore....

This bout of depression is probably the worst....

And all doctors want to do is give me pills. 
And all I want to do with the pills
is just take them all....

Got a call from the dr.'s office today. 
She wants to talk about my recent trip to the hospital, 
but all she needs to know
is in my file which she probably has access to.
She probably wants a chance to prescribe pills to me, too. 
They get a fee for prescribing pills... 
From the pharmaceudical company....

Anyway, I've gone over this stuff many times....
Things aren't likely to change....
And I have to live with this. Somehow.
Having mental illness sucks. 
Struggling and suffering alone sucks....

I have a couple of friends who know what's going on...
One who I trust with my life insurance....
And that says a lot....
That I trust him more than my own family....
More than anyone. 

He promised that if something happens to me
that he'll release my blogs.... 
Since I've kept them secret from most people.... 

Looking back to what my brother said:
"Just because you have a mirror, 
doesn't mean you have to shove it in anyone's face."

Seems that most people refuse to look at themselves in the mirror....

How many times have I refused?
But how many times have people in my life
refused to look at themselves?

Most people don't want to see what they are doing....
Or what they have done.... 

To refuse to feel guilty? Maybe.
To escape taking responsibility.... 

And it is tempting to just run away.... 
From everything.... Including myself.... 
But everywhere I go, there I am.... 
So I can't run away with myself. 
Or who I was... 

I keep thinking the past is going to come back
and BITE ME IN THE @SS.

BUT WE CAN'T ALWAYS HAVE WHAT WE WANT!!!!
WHEN COULD I EVER HAVE WHAT I WANTED?

EVERYONE TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME!!!
MAYBE BECAUSE I DIDN'T AND DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING!!!

EVEN THOUGH I TRIED.... I TRIED....

AND HAVING A HARD TIME MOVING FORWARD.
BECAUSE I STILL FEEL OBLIGATED 
IN MANY WAYS....

BUT WHAT DO I HAVE LEFT TO TRY TO GIVE ANYONE?!

I'm in too much pain to keep trying.....
But what kind of a future can I have?

People want to have things THEIR WAY......
No matter who gets hurt.... 
And it's usually me.... Who gets hurt....

Does anyone know this pain?
I'm sure there are some who know it....
But I don't wish for anyone to know it....
It's a special kind of hell.... A special kind of hell....

So now.... I don't know what to do now. 
I feel like giving up.... 
I'm tired, frustrated, hurt.... Really hurt....
Scared, tired, hurt.... 

My friend asked me:
"Would you put your son through
what your father put you through?"

I FORGAVE MY FATHER.
MY SON WON'T FORGIVE ME!

It doesn't matter to most people who know me
if I died.... They just would move on. 
With their lives. 
Like they are doing while I'm still alive.... 

So I'm struggling with how I feel..... 
But I have my books.... 
I'm losing my mind and getting increasingly
frustrated and increasingly paranoid....
And just disgusted and exhausted.... 

Retreating into myself. 

My mother keeps calling
and I don't want to talk to her. 
If I did, I would have called her
when I was in the hospital. 

I'm tired of people who don't GAF
just sticking their noses in my business
just because the hospital called them. 
Someone did. The hospital probably
when THEY NEVER F*CKING ASKED ME!!!!
NEVER EVEN F*CKING TOLD ME!!!

DID I WANT HER TO KNOW? NO!
IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE CALLED HER.
I WOULD HAVE TOLD HER MYSELF!

She lost the right to know anything about me
when she signed her parental rights away
when I was 13 and just left me to the 'system.'

That is why I NEVER SIGN ANYTHING FROM THEM. 
AND THEY CAN'T SAY
THAT I SIGNED MY RIGHTS TO MY SON AWAY.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO THAT TO HIM. 
THEY TOOK HIM AND GAVE HIM TO HIS FATHER
AND HIS FATHER NEVER GAVE HIM BACK. 

AND I HAD TO LIVE WITH THAT. 

That's another kind of HELL.
Another special kind of HELL
is that my son doesn't know the truth....
About what happened, about me.... 

And my mother can STOP calling
and STOP trying to contact me. 
And STOP trying to act like she gives a sh*t
because she f*cking doesn't. 

So no matter how many times she calls, 
I don't have to answer the phone. 

Where were the calls between holidays and birthdays?
On just random days?
Because she 'cared' to know how I am doing?

I could have died like 50 million times over
and nobody would know
because people don't just
'check up' on me. Rarely, if ever. 
And when I tell them how things really are
and I don't sugar coat it... I tell them I'm NOT okay....
I don't hear anything after that.... 

Because they all want to talk to you
when things are okay, 
but when you are FALLING APART.....
THEY WOULD RATHER NOT.... RIGHT?!

SO WHY ASK? JUST TO ASK?
BECAUSE YOU 'CARE' ? WHY?!

JUST TO SAY THAT YOU DID?

Well now let's call A*** because she's suicidal.....
Just to make things a bit worse
because we weren't told by HER....
Maybe she'd rather NOT talk about it with US.
Did that ever cross anyone's minds?
Probably not. 

Why not just leave me alone
like everyone was doing anyway?

AND WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT
BELL "LET'S TALK" DAY
JUST TO ASK IF SHE'S OKAY....
AND WHEN SHE TELLS US SHE'S NOT....
TO NOT SPEAK TO HER AGAIN.....

BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S SUPPOSED TO BE
RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES.....
SUNSHINE AND BLUE SKIES......

Let them live their lives.....
So I can just figure out what to f*cking do
now that I can't do f*cking anything....
Now that I have nobody, not that I ever really had anyone....

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE?
TO BE LOSING YOUR MIND
AND HAVE TO PRETEND THAT YOU ARE OKAY?
AND HAVE SOME RELATIVE "TRY TO CONTACT YOU"
JUST BECAUSE THEY GOT A CALL FROM THE HOSPITAL
WHEN YOU DID NOT GIVE YOUR PERMISSION
FOR THE HOSPITAL TO CALL THEM?!?!

And all you have is writing, reading, watching, 
writing, reading, watching, 
writing, reading, watching, 
writing, reading, watching, 
writing, reading, watching, 
writing, reading, watching, 
writing, reading, watching, 
writing, reading, watching, 

And just waiting to die?
And being scared to live?
Because the other shoe could drop....
And then you'd be worse off....

And do you know how ANGRY I am at myself?!
When ALL YOU WANTED TO DO
WAS TO DO THE RIGHT THING.... 
AND ALL I EVER DO ARE THE WRONG THINGS?!

AND I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO LIVE WITH MYSELF?
WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE?
WITH EVERY MISTAKE I EVER MADE?

WHEN I COULDN'T SEE WHAT I WAS DOING?
TO MYSELF AND TO OTHERS?
WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WELL AWARE
BUT SOMEHOW I WASN'T......

AND HOW MUCH THAT COST ME...... 
AND I HAVE TO PULL MYSELF OUT OF THIS.....

AND EVERYTIME I GO TO SOMEONE FOR HELP....
THEY JUST TURN THEIR BACKS ON ME
OR SEND ME TO SOMEONE ELSE.....

Do you even know what that is like?!

People telling you that they care about you....
And then acting like they don't. 
And the people who don't act like they don't
so there's no surprise there anymore.... 
But I still care.... And I have to live with this.... 

And how beautiful it would be to just start again.....
Start a whole new life....
And pretend that all of this doesn't kill me on the inside....
Well it f*cking does... 
And I wasn't acting for nothing or no reason. 
It may not have been the "right thing."
No matter how many people tell me that it was....
Because it probably wasn't.... 
Just like calling MY MOTHER
WASN'T THE RIGHT THING....
BECAUSE NOW SHE'LL KEEP CALLING
WANTING ANSWERS....
WANTING TO TALK ABOUT IT.
WHEN THERE IS NOTHING TO SAY.... 

SHE JUST WANTS SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT....

WHERE THE F*CK WAS SHE WHEN I STRUGGLED?
WHEN I NEEDED SOMEONE?
SHE IS PART OF THE PROBLEM, 
NOT THE SOLUTION....

SHE F*CKING HURT ME MORE
THAN MOST PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!!!
AND SHE DOESN'T GAF THAT SHE DID!!!!
SHE WILL NEVER FEEL OR BE SORRY ABOUT THAT!!!

SO SHOULD I TELL HER WHY I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF?!
A MILLION F*CKING TIMES?!
EVERY F*CKING DAY?!

Where is ANYONE?! 
And that is why I just want to stop pretending
that things are okay....

And when I tell them I'm not okay.....
What do they say, then?

My friend is trying to get me to go back to school. 
Am I in shape to go back to school?
What is that going to do for me?
Add more stress on my plate?

Give me a diploma or degree I can't use?
Put me deeper into debt?

And EXCUSE ME FOR BEING GUARDED NOW......
AND ANGRY, UPSET.... FRUSTRATED....
TIRED.... EXHAUSTED.....

Definitely guarded, protecting myself. 
Pushing people away with the truth.... 

"Stay away, I'm not well."

Definitely not looking to date, 
or waiting for someone to SEE me
ANY ounce of good in me.....

Because who cares?!
They start pretending they 'care'
when I'm suicidal?