Painful

I watched some video about forgiving ourselves.....
Something to do with redemption.... 
I don't see myself able to redeem myself.... 

But I have to figure out how to stop feeling like this. 
My son WANTS me to feel bad....
WANTS TO HURT ME
AND HE KNOWS HOW TO.....

And I know he's hurting. He's hurt and been hurt. 
He feels betrayed and I betrayed him. 

In my mind, I was trying to protect others, 
but I wasn't protecting him from himself....

It's hard to explain.... 
I took the wrong advice.
Now I have to pay for the mistakes I made... 

Anyway, yes.... Still dwelling on this. 
I can't see a way of fixing this.... 

I get mad at myself when I f*ck up
and can't fix it....

Maybe I couldn't fix this....
Maybe I can't. 

It's been melting my brain.....

And I'm turning the anger in on myself.....
Because I had a choice to make.....

"Do this and never forgive myself for it."
"Not say anything and never forgive myself for it."

Either way, I'm f*cked. 

Because there is no turning back.
To the way things used to be....
I really wish that I f*cking could.... 
Back to when my son was innocent. 
And when I was still someone to him. 
Someone he loved..... 
When I still got to see him, 
spend time with him.... 

To share some things with him
that were part of my childhood.... 
The memories we made. The good memories. 
Before he started to hate me.... 
Before all of this started.... 

Back when I could have done something for him.... 
What he needed is what I needed, too. 
And I understood him. 
But he doesn't get that I did.
But I still f*cked up. 

When Christmas was a thing for him and I.
Last year, I walked and walked and walked. 
Thought about him, missed him.... 
Hurting to be with him
like the other Christmases that we missed. 

And it hurts remembering the good ones
and the good times because I can't have that with him now. 
Probably won't get to have that ever again.... 

Nothing is normal now. 
I don't feel the way I used to feel
and I might never feel that way again. Ever again. 

And I just wish that I had my old life back. 
And I wish I had done so many things differently. 

And I wish things hadn't changed the way that they have, 
but they have and that's what I have now. 

And then there are people who have had better lives
and they don't know what this is like.... 
Where they just want to hide
and hope that nobody finds out.... 
And worry that they will and that they will judge me
A MILLION TIMES OVER.....
FOR NOT BEING THERE
WHEN THAT IS ALL I WANTED....
TO BE THERE.
TO TRY TO FIX THINGS
BETWEEN HIM AND I
AND TO JUST LOVE HIM
AND HOPE THAT HE'D LOVE ME. HIS MOM. 
BUT HE DOESN'T ANYMORE. 

AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT.
AND TELL ME HOW MANY PEOPLE COULD......
HOW MANY?!

THINGS CHANGED THE 2 YEARS
THAT HE WOULDN'T CONTACT ME.....
HE CHANGED. HE WASN'T MY LITTLE BOY ANYMORE....

TRYING TO OVERCOME THIS
IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS
THAT I HAVE EVER HAD TO OVERCOME.....
I AM NOT THE PERSON I USED TO BE.
WANTING TO BE CLOSE TO PEOPLE.
WANTING A BOND THAT CAN'T BE BROKEN....
BUT NOT HAVING THAT....
HURTS MY HEART AND HURTS MY SOUL....
JUST WANTING THE LOVE OF MY OWN CHILD.....
THAT I CAN'T HAVE NOW.
THAT I MAY NEVER HAVE AGAIN.
HIS HUGS.... HIS LOVE....

I can't even begin to tell anyone how it feels.... 
And knowing, now, that I have BPD.....
And not having known for so long.....

When I could have been diagnosed much sooner.
And stupid people still f*cking with me.
Thinking that they have every right to f*ck with me.
And then blame me for how they f*cked with me....
Over the years....

And no, I can't blame my sh*t on a mental illness....
My sh*t is still my sh*t.... 
I have to pay for my sh*t. 
But it's like nobody pays for theirs....
It's like I have to pay for theirs.... 
Because they don't want to pay for theirs....
They want me to pay for theirs
AND for mine.... Is that fair?

They don't get to blame their sh*t on me.
Or their mental illness.
They need to blame their sh*t on themselves.... 
But pride prevents it. 
It HAS to be MY fault. 
That they put MY back up against the wall....

And I'm still angry with myself....
Because I'm the one who has to live with this. 
And I can't find anyone who understands
how this feels and knows how to help me get through this... 
And I blame myself for putting myself through this.
But I wouldn't be going through this
if my son hadn't put me in this spot....

I'm not as cold as to be like: "I don't have a son."
But he's all like: "I don't have a mom."

I'm dead to him. He told me this.

How is this supposed to feel?
How am I supposed to stop feeling this?

And I'm supposed to tell my mother
who will never get it?

Because after EVERYTING SHE PUT ME THROUGH
I STILL SAW HER FOR CHRISTMAS, 
STILL HAD CHRISTMASES WITH HER.
STILL CALLED HER ON HER BIRTHDAYS.....
STILL CALLED HER JUST TO TALK TO HER....

I WISH THAT I COULD TURN BACK TIME
AND GIVE THE TIME THAT I GAVE TO HER
TO MY SON.....

A SON WHO WON'T GIVE ME ANY MORE OF HIS TIME. 
NOT EVEN ANOTHER THOUGHT....
I DON'T EXIST TO HIM ANYMORE.....

I DIDN'T DO TO HIM WHAT SHE DID TO ME.
WHAT SHE DID TO HIM, TOO.

I WAS THERE, HE COULD HAVE CALLED ME
WHENEVER HE WANTED TO.
SEEN ME WHENEVER HE WANTED TO.
TOLD ME WHATEVER.... AND HE DID....
BUT I CAN'T SUPPORT CERTAIN THINGS.
HE KNEW THAT I CAN'T.

WHY HE TESTED ME, I DON'T KNOW.
YES, I LOVE HIM.... 

I JUST CAN'T JUST LET HIM.......
THIS IS F*CKING PAINFUL.....