Reckless Rebel

Anyway, I wrote about where I'm at
and the things I did that lead to where I'm at.
And why I acted the way I acted.

I've been sad and feeling sick over this. 
And feeling all kinds of mixed emotions....
And trying to figure myself out
while trying to figure out how to pull myself out of this.

Hoping that counselling goes well....
I have two appointments coming up next week. 
And got a form to fill out to get into CMHA for therapy.

Trying to do what I can... Even if progress seems slow.

The hospital was good for some things, but not all things. 
At least I was eating and sleeping better.
Those two things are actually important....

Don't have control over everything.
Or over how others react to how I react....

And no amount of apologizing can or will fix some things....

Life must go on.....
I can't live the way I've been living.....
It's not good for me or for anyone around me.

I don't feel like I can have anyone around me. 
Even if some people want to be around me....
And it seems like few actually do....

Can't really blame them. I'm not in a good state.
But at least I'm being honest about it....

On the chat site, I pretend that I'm okay.
Because I can't just be some broken person
for the rest of my life. 
But.... Yes, I failed. As a mother. 
It's killing me, every day.....

I feel that most people would judge me
if they knew my story.....

If they knew everything I went through.... 
Because they wouldn't understand... 
And they'd just see all my failures.... 
Not how others failed me....

"You're the common denominator
in all your failed relationships...."
Maybe others failed me, too. 
But nobody sees that.... 

So maybe I'd rather just be a nobody
so that people can't see how my life has gotten.... 

Even though people can change. 
Even though people can grow.
Even though people can get better than they were before.....

It's just pushed me more into reclusivity....
Not recovery because I'm not recovering. I'm still suffering.
And doesn't make me want to have much
to do with many people....

Seemed that people were more accepting of me
at the hospital.... 

I just need to figure out how to feel about this. 
Because when I see other mothers
being good mothers
and they have sons who still want
their mothers in their lives....
It crushes me. 

And thinking that other mothers
would look down on me
like I'm some horrible mother
for everything I did and every mistake I made.... 

And most people would turn against me.... 

I was more of a mother before....
More than a mother....
I am a person. 
Who really struggles with some things.... 

It doesn't mean I don't love my son, 
even though I get scared sometimes.... 
Even though I do the wrong things sometimes.....
Even though I f*ck up sometimes.....
And maybe this time is unforgivable.... 

No matter why I did what I did....

I did have good intentions.... 

And my son would rather treat me like I don't exist....
And does not want to acknowledge my existance.... 

When there was nothing more I wanted in this world
more than his love.... 
And... Stupidly, I wanted to date....
Thinking I might find a guy
who might get me, might understand me
and love me despite my flaws etc.

How can I be hopeful
without being delusional?

"If you think otherwise, 
then you are actually delusional."

Like facing 'reality'
and being realistically hopeful?
Realistically optimistic?
Despite how others feel about me?
Despite how others think of me?

While accepting how things really are.....
Without pretending that things are great, good,
or how I wish they were?
Enough to pull myself back up?
Even if "the higher you climb, the harder you fall?"

And yes, I did. I betrayed him. So I get it. 
I did that. I f*cking did that.
So I don't get his love, respect, support, 
even acknowledgement anymore....

I have to let him go his own way.
As hard as that is....

Despite how I feel about everything that lead up to this. 
Despite how I feel about anything.

I have to find out who I am....
And what I need from myself.....

And not hurt so bad from rejection.

Of course he wasn't going to like the tough love from me.
A friend told me that I literally gave him a couple of chances
to change his mind about what he was saying to me....

He didn't like it.

Just like I didn't like the neighbors calling the cops on me, 
but I knew that I'd stand a better chance getting admitted
having the cops bring me in. 
Even though I couldn't get the help I need there.
It's a catch 22 with the hospitals....
Some aspects I needed, but some I don't. 
And what I need is outside the hospital....
Even though it'd be cool to have everything under 1 roof. 
In one place. So people can get the help they need....

My neighbors meant well, I guess....
Just like I meant well. 
But it p*ssed my son off. 
And I got scared about some other stuff he was saying....

Every time we've had a falling out, 
over stupid stuff, I've been stuck in a rut
and had a hard time getting out of it.....
Because all I wanted was his forgiveness. 
I can't see him forgiving me for this, though.... 

And yes, I feel like sh*t for f*cking up, constantly.
And all I was doing was seeking advice. 
I took some advice that may have not been the best advice.

And often I just want to die.
Because of how I feel about f*cking up....

How I feel about everything....

It's hard to deal with some things...

I just wish I hadn't done what I've done
and wish that I could talk to my son. 

I wish things were back to how they used to be....
But things changed so much....

Not in any good ways....
Panic attacks daily....

I'm pretty frustrated. 
Been trying to get help.

I don't think that I can fix this. 
I know that my son is still really hurt. 
I hurt him in some ways
and that is why he keeps hurting me. 

I know he's hurt and angry. 
I don't know how to fix it. 
He scared me, a lot. 
I think he meant to
and don't know why he thought
that I'd have no reaction to that. 

Yes, I tried to push it away for a while. 
Trying to give him chances to think it over. 
Still trying to show him that I love him. 

Not sure why he was telling me those things. 
Or if he meant those things. 
But I reacted as though he did. 
I didn't take it well. 

It's like I have to let go....
It's hard to just let go. 
But he wants me to because he wants to. 
He wants to let me go
because I couldn't do what he needed me to do. 
And I would have. I couldn't. 

Because I didn't know what to do. 
And still trying to work out what to do
and how to feel... 

I wanted to be a mom. 
I wanted to do the right thing. 
But I didn't do the right thing. 

I didn't do what he wanted me to do. 
But I felt that I had to do something. 

But I needed to listen....

I didn't do what I did to hurt him. 
He thinks I did, but I was scared. 

And he won't take responsibility 
for saying the things he said. 
Whether or not he meant it.... 
Wasn't opening up to me about that.....
He was and he wasn't.....

Because things changed in the time
that he wasn't talking to me.... 
And he chose that before....
And he's choosing that again...

Maybe even regretting trying again....
But he can't see how things were for me....

I feel that I ruined things, 
but I wasn't the only one who ruined it. 
Why make things hard for me?
And hard for themselves?

At the same time, 
they look at it like I'm trying to make things
hard for them and hard on myself. 

It's kind of a bit of both....

Seems like there is no way to make things better....
Like I could have just not said or done anything
and just let them go their own way....
Because I still wanted things to get better and be better
between the two of us.....

So that we could actually fix things....
And actually have a good relationship.

Talk about things and work things out. Together. 
It takes 2. I guess I couldn't make it work on my end...