WHY?!

So I discovered that you can ask questions
on Omegle. And watch as others discuss it. 

I asked if others would do what I did. 
A lot of them said yes, 
others said that they wouldn't. 
Some said that it depends.... 

Either way, I did what I did. 
Now my son won't talk to me anymore.... 
Wants nothing to do with me anymore. 
It breaks my heart, all of it. 
I get panic attacks still. 

And I put myself through this, 
how I reacted... 
But like I keep saying, 
I wasn't reacting to nothing, 
but reacted too quickly
and I acted on poor advice.... 

Should have weighed my options... 
Talked to more people about it
and maybe chosen to do something else.... 
I don't know. 
Someone said:
"The damage is already done." It is. 

Some people think my son will come around. 
Maybe change his mind about me. 
Maybe change his mind about other things. 
I don't know. 
I still feel so sick about everything.... 
I still get angry at myself. 
I still love my son
and I hope he chooses another path. 
He won't listen to me now. 
Won't talk to me anymore... 
Might spite me just to spite me. 
Out of spite. 
And I really hope that he doesn't. 

He wouldn't accept my apology. 
And there's money waiting for him. 

I put my life insurance in my friend's name
because I trust him. 

I asked a lawyer and they said I did all I could do. 

Just that maybe I shouldn't have done what I did.... 
It's hard to say.... 

But it's been hard. 
It was a really hard choice to make... 

Will he ever forgive me?
Will he ever change his mind?
Will we ever get back to where we were?
Maybe not.

And I still have to live my life somehow. 
Feeling like a sh*tty mother, a sh*tty person... 

Or do I just walk away?
Try again, on my own?

I have to take care of myself, too. 

I was going to do what I could for him....
He's my son. 

I deserve to be treated better, though.
Let them put in some work. 
To try to get me back in their life. 
They let me go, pushed me away....
Over and over and over again.....

Whether I deserved it, or they think I do
is another thing...

But I just wanted to be a loving mother. 
That's all I wanted to be.

It's like all I ever was....
A mother, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter....
I was only playing roles...
A girlfriend.... 
Whatever I was to everyone, 
but nothing to myself...

Being a mom was all I wanted to be....
And my selfish son can't see how selfish HE is being.
Yes, I was selfish, too. I acknowledge that.
Will others acknowledge their selfishness?

Yes, I wanted to be a wife, too.

But whatever. Can't get what I want.
Can't have what I want.

And who would have me now?

But I did what I did
Because people kept telling me
that I was doing the right things. I wasn't. 

I just keep doing the wrong things...
And I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF.

SAD AND ANGRY,
ANGRY AND SAD.....

F*CK LOVE.... DO I NEED IT?!
IT JUST HURTS ME....

EVERYONE KNOWS HOW TO HURT ME
AND THEY JUST DO IT TO HURT ME....

EVERYONE I LOVED...

DID I HURT THEM? SOMETIMES.
BUT I DIDN'T DO THIS TO HURT ANYONE.

I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT PEOPLE.

AND NOW I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF....
FROM GETTING HURT SOME MORE....

WHEN EVERYONE CHOOSES SOMETHING ELSE
AND SOMEONE ELSE....

SO WHY DO I NEED THAT?!?!
I'M SUPPOSED TO WAIT
WHILE EVERYONE DECIDES WHAT THEY WANT?!?!
AND THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT... I DON'T.

Anyway, I've vented a lot lately.
I'm trying to get it out.
Because it hurts. I wish it didn't.

I wish it was just so easy to say:
"F*ck it. F*ck them. F*ck everyone."
If they can't do right by me, then what am I even doing?
Letting them take their sh*t out on me? Why?

And I wish I could be so COLD
to say I never f*cking cared, but I did. I still do. 
IT WOULDN'T HURT IF I DIDN"T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND THEY F*CKING KNOW THAT I DO!!!!!!!!!
OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE ANYTHING!!!!!!!
AND JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
DOESN'T MEAN I WASN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING.....
BUT NOBODY LIKES WHAT I DO.
IT WASN'T SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO.
IT WASN'T SOMETHING I WANTED TO HEAR OR KNOW.

But just because someone says something
doesn't mean they are going to do it. 
Like just because I keep talking about killing myself
and WANT TO.....
Doesn't mean that I will do it....

So yeah, I may have done the wrong thing. 

BUT PEOPLE WHO DO NOT WANT ME IN THEIR LIVES
DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE ME IN THEIR LIVES....
Do I still GRIEVE? YES. I do. All the time. 

I can't turn the love I have for THEM
inwards to myself. THAT LOVE IS FOR THEM. 
AND I CAN'T GIVE THEM MY LOVE ANYMORE
BECAUSE THEY DON'T F*CKING WANT IT
AND THEY DON'T F*CKING WANT ME. 

Maybe someone will one day. 
MAYBE I'LL GET TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS....
Maybe someone will want me... 

Maybe I'll get to be someone else's "Mom" one day.
Someone who doesn't have one. 
Someone who might appreciate me.

But... Anyway.... I just am what I am now. 
A nobody.... A F*CKING FAILURE....

A BALL OF ANGER AND PAIN....

I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I KEEP GETTING HURT.
I just want to be LOVED.

F*CK IT!!!
WHY DO I WANT ANYTHING??????