Hitting Me Hard

Being able to sleep through the night, now, is good. 
Waking up to the same feelings isn't.

I can see where my "coping methods"
and stuff like that has led me....

Feelings of FAILURE are hitting me so hard....

I couldn't even get over myself to stay in the hospital....
But I wasn't getting what I needed from that....

Got two counselling sessions coming up.
I gotta do something about these panic attacks....
And how I feel.... I don't want to feel like this....
Nobody wants to feel like this.

I have to pull through this. 
I wrecked things. I have to rebuild. For myself. 

It hurts. It really does.
And he knows how to hurt me. 
And he does it because he feels hurt, too. 

And I can see how things look. 
I really can. So I know. 
If my mother called the cops on me, I'd probably not be happy, either.
I'm not happy that the hospital called my mother....
And that she's trying to contact me about going to the hospital....
And that my step-father has been, too.
NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!

I DON'T WANT HER IN MY BUSINESS.
So I know how my son feels about me in his business. 

She's still my mother and I'm still his mother....
But he looks at me the way he looks at me. 
I look at her the way I look at her....
He has his reasons to see me the way he sees me. 
I have my reasons to see her the way I see her...

I wish I could go back in time.... 
I was reading old emails with a friend.... 
About my son. And my son and I still had visits at that time. 
I was in a better place back then. 
I was feeling better 5 years ago. 
I'd quit drinking, was working on my fitness, feeling better....

I got stuck in a rut from what I did
and how it was taken....

It's like every time I have a deep wound, 
it takes longer to heal....

But I can see how my son feels betrayed....
And how being in the hospital isn't always the best place to be. 

And maybe asking the police to take him to the hospital
probably wasn't the best move. 
And writing the report wasn't the best move. 

I needed the clarity before I made the moves. 
Instead of acting on pure anxiety....

Whether what I did was the right thing, or not, 
I still did what I did and I have to live with it. 

The results are pretty painful, 
but living like this isn't really living. 
Can't just switch off the pain, but I still try to....
I still have a life to live regardless 
who wants to be in it or not....

I still have to start over again. 
No matter how much I want and wanted to have
a relationship with my son....

I still have to pull myself out of this. Again. 
And try to feel better about myself, for myself. 
About my life, too. 
So that I can start to live a better life. 
These feelings are blocking me from feeling okay. 

Rejection always has hurt me. 
From people I wanted to have in my life....
Who don't want me in their life. 

And at least it is their choice. 
I can at least be okay with that. 

But who would want me in their life
if all I do is ruin it?
By making all the mistakes I made?

Even though people could forgive me....
But forgiveness doesn't stop me from making mistakes.... 

And I get that people make mistakes with me, too. 

Seems that I am more forgiving of others
than they are of me.... 
Even though it's hard to forgive some people 
for some things.... 

And it is hard for people to forgive me for some things. 
I get it.... I know that. 
I wish they would and would probably feel better if they did.... 

So angry at myself for doing what I did....
For pushing my son away for good....
ALL I ever wanted was him back in my life....
Was happy to have him back, 
but these things really disturbed me....
He doesn't know how he impacted me....
And I wasn't aware of how I impacted him....

Was reading old emails between a friend of mine and I.
When things were decent. 5 years ago....
I think I mentioned that already....

I wish things were that way, still....
So I could keep building on where I was.
It seems that I get well and start doing pretty good
and then.... Something happens and I'm right back 
to where I started.... In some state of grieving....

Yes, there are times I was being selfish....
But there were times others were being selfish, too.

It's not ALL about ME, but it's not ALL about THEM, either.

Like why would I want to talk to my mother
when she wouldn't listen to me....
When my brother made it ALL about HIM?

And POOR F*CKING A****. POOR HIM.
DIDN'T HAVE TO LET HIM STAY WITH ME
AND DIDN'T HAVE TO LET HIM COME BACK.
AND HE WON'T BE COMING BACK.

I PUT UP WITH ENOUGH SH*T FROM EVERYONE
WHO WON'T F*CKING LISTEN TO ME.....

AND MY MOM CALLS ME?
BECAUSE THE HOSPITAL CALLED HER?
WHEN THEY DIDN'T HAVE MY PERMISSION TO CALL HER?!

LIKE MOST PEOPLE IN MY LIFE TREAT ME LIKE SH*T
AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WITH THAT.....
AND JUST PUT UP WITH IT.....

Been abused.... Emotionally, psychologically.....
by people who I just wanted LOVE from.....

And it gets to the point that I feel like:
HOW COULD ANYONE LOVE ME?
WHEN I CAN'T SPEAK MY MIND?
WHEN PEOPLE WON'T LISTEN TO ME?
WHEN PEOPLE ONLY SEEM TO 'CARE'
WHEN THEY GET A CALL FROM THE HOSPITAL?
THAT THEY SHOULDN'T EVEN GOTTEN
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T REALLY A PART OF MY LIFE.....

And I let them have a negative impact on my son.....
They treated him like he didn't EXIST.

I was treated that way by my father's family.....
It hurt and it p*ssed me off, 
but NO MATTER HOW MUCH I GOT HURT.....
I DON'T WANT TO HURT PEOPLE, INTENTIONALLY....

Had so many PAINFUL endings.... Recently.
Within the last few months.... 

It's a rough feeling grieving people who are still alive
and who you still wish you could have in your life.....

Someone told me that I need to find myself. 
Under all this grief and pain.... 
That THEY caused ME.
That THEY will never see that THEY caused me.....

And yes, I SEE the pain I caused others. 
CAN I DO ANYTHING TO FIX THAT?!
NOT IF THEY DON'T LET ME EVEN TRY TO....
NOT IF THEY WON'T GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO TRY TO...

But.... They don't give me the chance to
because of the pain I caused
and the mistakes I made.... 

So that's where I'm at....
So f*ck dating, f*ck romance....
F*ck everything I ever wanted.... 

I'll only get rejected again.... Hurt again....
And I have to pull myself up and out of this pit of despair
that I GOT MYSELF INTO.... AGAIN.

F*CK, IT HURTS! IT F*CKING HURTS!

I CAN'T HAVE THAT BOND I WANTED TO HAVE....
THAT I HAD A FEW TIMES....
THAT I THOUGHT I HAD....
THAT I BROKE.... THAT IS MY FAULT....

Like I know people will keep me out in the cold
and many people have been cold to me, destroying me
because they know how to hurt me
and they want to hurt me.....
So they go ahead and do that....

And no matter how much I want to fix things.....
And no matter how hard I try to fix things....
I can't seem to do it.....

But I have to fix things with myself, for myself. 
And not accept the cruelety.....

But forgive people for hurting me
because people who are hurt.... Hurt other people.
Especially the people who hurt them....

Thinking about taking another sleeping pill....

Thought of taking them all... Plus the other pills
that I already have from the accident....
From the neurologist..... Just ALL of them....

But as my friend told me.... That would be the way
to really f*ck everything up...
There is no fixing that or coming back from that....

I got over my father's suicide....

He thought I didn't want him in my life anymore. 
I just didn't want him to keep hurting me...

A lot of the time I was really angry at  people
is because they hurt me...... 

Like my mother hurt me. 
She can't see how she has hurt me.
She can't see why I don't want to talk to her.
She won't ever actually care.

But I can see that my son feels the same way about me. 
Except that I am facing all the ways I hurt him.
I can see it and know why he doesn't want
to have anything to do with me. 
I hate myself for failing him. 
SO ANGRY AT MYSELF....
BUT IT SEEMS THAT NOBODY WILL UNDERSTAND THAT.....

BECAUSE THEY WILL ONLY SEE ME THE WAY THEY SEE ME.
AND THEY WILL SEE ME ACCORDING TO HOW THEY LOOK AT ME.

WILL I EVENTUALLY TALK TO MY MOTHER? Probably.
She's my mother. Even though she hurts me over and over
and only had a toxic relationship with her.

Seems like most relationships I have had
have been toxic.... People not caring about me....
Only liking me or wanting me when it suited them....
Only when they got something out of it....

But there were times where
I really liked someone.....
And they got zero out of having anything with me
even if it really wasn't much of anything with me
except for conversation.... 
Since apparently, I suck at forming connections....
Even when I want that the most....

With my mother, she'll always choose herself, 
her husband, my brothers, almost everyone over me....
And she will never tell me she is SORRY for hurting me.
Because she f*cking isn't. 

Everytime I apologized to anyone, I meant it.
Even if I wasn't capable of changing immediately.....
Or capable of changing anything from the past....
Or capable of taking away the pain I caused....
I still meant it because I actually am sorry.....
But I WON'T HEAR SORRY FROM ANYONE
WHO HURT ME.... BECAUSE THEY DO NOT HAVE IT
IN THEMSELVES TO BE SORRY
FOR ANYTHING THEY EVER DID TO ME
OR ANYTHING THEY PUT ME THROUGH, 
OR SAID TO ME..... 
AND THEY DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO SEE
HOW THEY AFFECTED ME....

But I still have to pull myself out of the PAIN.
For myself, by myself.... 

Doesn't make it hurt any LESS.
APOLOGIES DON'T MAKE IT HURT LESS....

Like the last time I saw my mother.....
I walked in on her on the phone with my BROTHER.
After the fight he and I had.....
And they stick up for each other....
Who's stuck up for me?!? Anyone?

Me not contacting them is me sticking up for myself. 
I wish I could just f*cking kick them all out of my life. 
And just start my life over. 

I mean, just because it gets lonely sometimes
doesn't mean I need anyone who is toxic in my life.
Even if they are supposedly "family."

And I wish people could see me APART from them.
I wish they could see ME.
To know MY HEART.
Will anyone? Will anyone SEE me?
Will anyone ever KNOW me?

Why does it take a call from the hospital
for my "parents" to try to contact me?
If I wanted to contact them, I would have by now....
They can give up on me like they did a long time ago. 
Everyone chose themselves.
That's the way they wanted it. 
That's the way they wanted things....
Between them and I.
So that is the way they can have things....

And I have to figure out how to make things better for myself.
Despite how I feel about what everyone else chooses.
Despite not having the love in my life I wanted....
From the people I wanted it from....
Who were either unwilling or incapable....

Why does the fact that I want to die change anything?
Because they are running out of time to fix things with me?
Because I'm so hurt that I don't want to give them the chance
to cause me any more pain?

And yeah, my son feels that way, too. 
About me. I get it.
I became exactly what I never wanted to be, to him. 
Someone who caused pain. 
I never wanted to hurt him. 
But he wanted to hurt me and he did it. Many times. 
But I'm still his mother and I love him. 
Even though we hurt each other....

It's been a tough spot to be in.
SO F*CKING PAINFUL.

I stopped caring for a long time.....
Even though, I still did....
I just couldn't show it or show him
in the ways he wanted to be shown
and needed to be shown
and I F*CKING HATE THAT.
AND HATE THE WAY THINGS ENDED BETWEEN US.

WE STILL GAVE EACH OTHER CHANCES
AND WE STILL BOTH RUINED SH*T.

BECAUSE WE STILL GOT STUCK ON PAST SH*T.
BECAUSE IT STILL F*CKING HURTS....

AND WE STILL COULDN'T JUST TALK ABOUT IT
BECAUSE WE'RE STILL USING ANGER
TO PROTECT OURSELVES FROM THE PAIN
BECAUSE THE PAIN IS STILL THERE.....
EVEN WHEN WE TRIED TO PRETEND IT WASN'T
AND STILL TRIED TO MOVE PAST SH*T.....

Now we're stuck where we are.....
And I can't see us moving on from this....
No matter how much I wish we could....
And would....

And I have to just try to be okay....
Because I can't just live my life so broken anymore. 
Or just let everyone f*cking break me
just because they feel like doing it.... 
Just because I keep letting them do it..... 

So that is why I'm isolating myself, again. 
From most people. 

When they reach out, I either don't want to talk to them....
Or I'm a little too honest about how things actually are.....
Or I push them away.... 
Or they just want to stay away....
Or whatever.... So I just..... Can't really get involved anymore. 
Either I try too hard, not hard enough, or I just don't. 
Or I can't..... 
Because they don't let me.....
Or I just can't let them hurt me anymore.....

Or they hurt me pretty bad and don't see it.
Or never f*cking apologize to me
because they can't or won't see that they hurt me....
Or they wanted to hurt me for whatever reason....
Even if the reason was that I hurt them.....

And I only hurt myself by hurting others....

I'm just tired now.....

How's that for pouring my heart out for today?
I gotta stop doing it.....
As good as it feels to just be open and honest....
I don't have very much left to pour out. 
And don't know why I keep doing it....

Is there a reason or a point?