Not Wordpress

Seen some comments on a post I wrote a while back.... 
Don't know if the comments get pushed to that one post, 
or that people just comment on that one post. 
Either way, I appreciate the comments. 

For those wondering, this blog is hosted on blogger, 
not wordpress. 
Been looking at wordpress lately, 
for some other stuff. 
I can't say that I'm a wordpress fan. 
Or that I'm a fan of blogger's new layout.... 
It's a free blog. Not a paid theme. 
Blogger has various free themes. 
The photo in the background is a photo I took. 
Of a beach near here.... 

Anyway.... In case anyone was wondering..... 
Because that is what the comments are mostly about. 

One is in another language that I have to translate. 

Anyway, I still appreciate the comments. Been a while. 

But I don't blog for the comments or reactions or anything. 
I blog to vent and get stuff out.... 
And.... Because writing is something important to me. 
Even though the world can do without my 2 cents.... 

Or anything to do with me.... 
Especially in the state I am in.... 
And have been in.... 
No beuno.... 

Been sad... Just really torn.... 
I just really wish that I could FIX everything..... 
And have things back to the way they used to be.....
When things were good.... 
Or at least decent.... 

But I F*CKED UP.
BECAUSE I AM F*CKED UP.

And I can't keep blaming the fact that I am F*CKED UP
For F*CKING UP.....

There comes a time when we just have to get it together.... 
To have it together... Y'know?

And it is obvious when we don't have it together.... 
Well obvious when I don't have it together.... 
TO EVERYONE.
Not going to lie on here. 
This is my ONE place to be OPEN.
To whoever reads this. 
A bunch of strangers.... 

I was trying. Both times that went to both hospitals. 
I was trying to get things right with my son. 
But HE dropped those bombs that I reacted to. 
Even if he wasn't serious about what he was saying... 
But I felt that I couldn't take that chance.... 

The future is up in the AIR. I don't know how things are going to go. 
It doesn't look GOOD. It doesn't. 

It feels BAD. I feel SAD.
I don't feel GOOD about this... I don't. 

Feels like I LOST SO MUCH...
So much time, so many chances.... 
MY F*CKING MIND.... 
MY WILL TO LIVE..... 

My life totally changed, 
and I don't feel the same that I used to.
I didn't think I'd even laugh again, but I did. 

I laughed pretty f*cking hard, too. 

Even though what I'm going through
is not a laughing matter. 
It's actually pretty serious. 

And some VERY painful sh*t....

Not that I was completely blameless.... 
But.... I wanted to try to make things right. 
I wanted to work on things.... 
I wanted to FIX things and still do.... 
HOW F*CKING CAN I NOW?

I CAN'T SLEEP!
FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN A BAD DREAM,
BUT IT'S NOT!

So I have to try to joke around sometimes
and PRETEND that I am not falling apart....

What's more is that someone contacted my mother....
I didn't give permission for them to contact her....
She was trying to contact me
and if I wanted her to know, I would have told her myself....

And my step-father wrote a comment on a post....
That they were trying to contact me. 
And couldn't send me a private message. 
And doesn't realize that if I wanted to contact them, 
I would have by now....
And there's a conversation I DON'T WANT TO HAVE....
BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS....

NOT LIKE THEY HAVE EVER F*CKING BEEN THERE FOR ME....
CHASTISING ME FOR COPING THE ONLY F*CKING WAY
THAT I HAD TO COPE....

YEAH, I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT....
CONTACT THEM ASAP.... Not!

MY SON'S DOCTORS AREN'T ALLOWED TO TELL ME SH*T.
AND YOU'D THINK THE SAME APPLIES TO ME....

And now that SHE knows.... Who else does?!

What makes me mad is people thinking I'm JUST like my mother.....
Maybe I'm like her in some ways,
but I really don't want to be....
I already hate myself for all the ways I f*cked up 
with my son.... 
My mother could not care LESS
about the ways she f*cked up with ME
AND with my son.... 

He asked me once:
"Why do you have anything to do with her?!"
I said, "Because she's my mother...."

Maybe it will take time for my son to forgive me.... 
Maybe it will take time for me to forgive my mother.... 
BUT I SEE HOW I F*CKED UP....
SHE DOESN'T. DOESN'T CARE TO EVER SEE....
DOESN'T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT.....
I AM. I DO. I LIVE WITH IT EVERY F*CKING DAY....

IT'S LIKE MY MOTHER DOESN'T F*CKING KNOW
WHAT REGRET EVEN MEANS....

BUT MY SON LOOKS AT ME THAT WAY....
IF HE EVEN F*CKING KNEW....
THAT SORRY DOESN'T EVEN COVER A FRACTION
OF HOW I FEEL....

I want to be happy that we had some good times, 
some nice times, that I hope that he remembers one day....
not how I f*cked up.....
Not how f*cked up I am.... 
Or how f*cked up he thinks I am.... 

There were times I wasn't so f*cked up.... 
Times I did show him I cared.... 
Times I was allowed to be his mother.
Times we both were trying.... 
I f*cked it all up.... 
But I wasn't saying those things to him....
He was saying those things to me.... 

I didn't handle it well. At all....

Anyway.... Trying to just get through the day....
Had a long nap today. 
Didn't sleep last night. I couldn't. 
At least the meds help me sleep through the night....
That's pretty much all they are for....
But I have a couple of counselling calls set up for next week. 

So I have that.... I hope that helps... 

All I know is that I can't go on like this....

Dating isn't on the radar....
I shouldn't have gone there.... 

I thought I was in an okay place. 
But I had other things to focus on.
That I wasn't focusing on....
That I f*cked up....

I am to blame for my own issues....
I realize that, 
but I have to figure out how to deal with it
so that I can have a semblance of a "normal" life.

But I still feel like I don't need the emotional abuse.

I need to sleep now. 

I can't do this right now.