There are people still stuck there....
Who don't want to be in there.
And I can't blame them
because it's not really helping them.
It didn't really help me.
It was a safe, warm place.
That was all. But it can literally do someone's head in.
When they want to leave
and they can't. IT CAUSES ANXIETY.....
Some interesting characters, though.
One guy got frostbite really bad on his hands.
Only had use of one hand
and was on antibiotics via IV.
to fight infection.
He told me what happened...
He was on METH and was digging
through snowbanks looking for gold....
SEVERE frostbite.
He might lose 2 of his fingers,
but he is lucky he didn't lose his whole hand
or worse yet, both hands....
Talked to a few people....
Telling me they wish they could turn the clock back.
I really wish I could do that, too.
I had to learn the hard way.
I was supposed to be there to help others
while I was there to get help, like last time.
It was a test, but I got ANGRY
BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT LISTENING
WHEN I WAS ASKING FOR HELP
BUT I COULDN'T GET IT WHEN I WAS ANGRY,
BUT I JUST WANTED TO BE HEARD.
AND UNDERSTOOD.
JUST THAT NOBODY REALLY GETS IT.
AND THAT IS REALLY FRUSTRATING
AND THAT GETS ME RILED UP.
One guy who just got there....
He was talking with me
and he told me: "I hear you."
And told me that one of the guys there
has been there since last summer....
It must have been frustrating to people there
to see me just able to walk out because I wanted to.
Being there voluntarily allowed me to do that.
But I had reached my breaking point a couple times,
because what I need.... And needed...
Isn't at the hospital....
Although, I did need to help others.
Who were there and going through their stuff.
But also needed to get help, too.
A little understanding goes a long way.
Like that dude who sat with me
and talked with me,
and listened to me.
He helped me calm down.
Getting in my face, with pills I didn't ask for
wasn't helping....
To be honest, when they first put me on a form 1....
And I couldn't leave....
I was getting a lot of thoughts about suicide,
and thought about ways I could kill myself at the hospital....
And I thought about it daily....
And had to talk myself out of it.....
But.... At first, I flipped.
The anxiety was too high.
They strapped me to the bed
and gave me an injection.
When I woke up, they had unstrapped me....
I was willing to endure quite a bit,
but getting in my face when I was on the phone....
With pills I didn't ask for.... That p*ssed me off.
Basically preventing me from getting help....
By not helping....
And they made me wait for the form to sign myself out.
Made me talk to the doctor....
And then the nurse wanted to know what the doctor said....
So I told her to call the doctor and ask him.
Because I was so fed up with her sh*t.
I just didn't want to hear anything from her.
They allowed me to stay for supper.
So I had one last meal with my roommate....
We had some good laughs, it was great.
She needed it as much as I did.
I was supposed to be there for her,
and there for some others, too.
I just couldn't see past being so p*ssed off
at them for not listening to me....
And coming at me like they did, with pills
like pills are going to solve everything, they aren't.
And that's all the hospital is for.... Just meds
and nurses telling you to go to your room
like you're a child or something,
but I did act kind of childish, and so did they.
They could have let me have my phone call,
and talk to someone who was going to listen to me.
And not just come at me with seditives....
Because that is f*cking bullsh*t.
Surprised they didn't call a code white on me
and have me strapped down again
and injected with whatever the f*ck they inject people with
to knock them the f*ck out....
Before it was called CPZ.....
That's what they called it at the other hospital.
Seems like the same stuff.
Whatever. No shame in admitting I got a shot in the @ss.
Or that I went to the psych ward for the 2nd time this month....
Or that I think about killing myself pretty much every day, lately....
Can't say that I will go through with it,
but I think about it constantly.
I can admit it.
People can think whatever the f*ck they want about me.
At least I'm being honest. So give me that.
Judge me all you want.
I don't f*cking give a sh*t.
If you knew what I was going through...
You'd see why....
I'm just f*cking tired....
A lot of people are.
All I needed was "I hear you."
"I get it. I'm here, too."
That is all.
And the nurses act like they are all compassionate....
They don't know what it's like being on the other side....
Having someone in their face with pills.
What would THEY want if THEY had to go through
the Mental Health "System"?
Do they know? What it is like?
No. They are hired to give MEDS.
And tell you to go to your room....
And they ignore people who need help...
I went there to get help.
I had the cops come to my door.
I went with them to the hospital.
I told the doctors what was going on.
Why I wanted to DIE
and just get it over with....
Because I am f*cking TIRED....
Of trying to explain....
Of trying to reach out.
I'm at my breaking point sometimes....
When someone doesn't listen to you
but tells you that you can't reach out to someone else for help....
And tries to get you to take sedatives
because they won't f*cking listen to you....
That is enough to p*ss people off.
Being in there with their f*cking "coping skills"
and arts and crafts
like let's just do some art
and take drugs to not face our issues....
Like nothing I was upset about was even valid....
Even though I make sense....
Even though I have a right to be upset....
Even though I have a right to get over myself,
but SO DO THEY.
THEY CAN GET OVER THEMSELVES, TOO.
JUST BECAUSE THEY AREN'T IN THE HOSPITAL
TO GET HELP, DOESN'T GIVE THEM A RIGHT
TO BE F*CKING STUPID WITH PATIENTS.
I get that nobody is perfect.
But seriously...
When someone is on the phone,
just let them have their phone call....
When that is literally all they have....
When these NURSES
AND DOCTORS ARE NOT COUNSELLORS....
SO WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THEM
FOR COUNSELLING?
WE CAN'T. BUT THEY EXPECT YOU TO....
AND EVERY TIME YOU GET FRUSTRATED
WITH HOW THEY TREAT YOU
AND TALK DOWN TO YOU.....
YOU!!!!! ARE WRONG!!!!!
SO WTF ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?
At least I was there voluntarily.....
And that I could just walk out....
Because I just reached my breaking point....
I couldn't get over myself, like I said, but....
NEITHER COULD THEY.....
If I could show you what it was like....
For people....
WHY it's frustrating....
WHY it's not helping....
You'd see it. It's not just me.
Like people are just killing time in there....
Wasting away, on drugs
and NOT DEALING WITH F*CK ALL.
People often leave there WORSE than when they started.
BUT.... To put it in perspective....
I wasted too much time getting high
and hiding from my problems.
And when I tried to reach out for help....
When I needed help the most....
I get cops sent to my door.
I let them do their jobs....
I let the f*cking doctors blame the brokeness
of the "system" on covid
and them not listening to me
and f*cking me around on whatever they wanted to blame it on...
I let THEM not face THEMSELVES.
AND I'VE BEEN DOING THIS.
NOT FACING MY SH*T FOR TOO LONG....
THAT I FEEL LIKE A SOLID OPTION IS TO SAY
F*CK IT. I'M DONE.
DONE WITH THE F*CKERY.
DONE WITH THE PILLS
THE DOCTORS AND NURSES WHO THINK THEY KNOW
HOW TO ACTUALLY HELP PEOPLE....
PEOPLE WHO ARE AT THE END OF THEIR ROPES.
TRYING TO COPE IS DIFFERENT FROM DEALING WITH SH*T.
HOW LONG CAN YOU "COPE"
WITH THEIR STRESS MANAGEMENT
"TECHNIQUES"?
WHEN THEY ARE LITERALLY CAUSING YOU STRESS????
BEING IN THERE....
HAVING TO COPE WITH ALL THE OTHER PATIENTS....
SOME OF THEM AREN'T TOO BAD....
JUST NEED HELP, TOO....
BUT SOME OF THEM..... DRIVE YOU UP A WALL....
Makes it harder to "cope" with your sh*t
when you have to "cope" with THEIR sh*t.....
And like I said, COPING isn't DEALING.
How can they help you?
When they just want to take your temperature?
And take your blood pressure?
And give you f*cking ativan?
And @ss injections?!
Did I sign up for that sh*t?
Or maybe I wanted to STOP thinking about
killing myself every f*cking half hour.....
And I tried to have a sense of humor about it....
Which was helping me "cope"
with the being drugged....
Being around all the others who were there
for their own reasons.....
When I NEED TO FIGURE OUT
HOW TO DEAL WITH HOW I FEEL ABOUT
WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH....
WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, FEEL, THINK
ABOUT THIS....
I NEED TO TALK, I NEED THERAPY
FOR F*CKING BPD.....
I NEED COUNSELLING.
PSYCHOTHERAPY EVEN...
AND MY FRIEND IS LIKE.....
JUST COME OVER AND GET HIGH....
I WASTED ENOUGH OF MY LIFE GETTING HIGH
BECAUSE I CAN'T F*CKING "COPE"
WITH HEAVY SH*T....
Or DEAL....
So "Let's just get high?"
And let life pass us by?!
why not when we just want to die?
The persistent thoughts keep coming.
Fighting them off....
Feeling backed into a corner....
It's frustrating...
Trying to explain all this...
HATING myself for all my faults....
All my mistakes....
Wanting to turn back time....
And wanting to do the RIGHT thing.
For the RIGHT reasons....
FEELING SICK OF THIS AND OF MYSELF.....
Trying to explain why I did what I did....
But who cares to see it MY way?
Because.... Yes, I could be wrong...
Maybe I was wrong....
Maybe I'm not seeing sh*t the right way....
Maybe I'm so f*cked
that I don't know how f*cked I am....
Maybe others are so f*cked
that they don't know how f*cked they are....
And blaming THEIR f*cked up-ness
on MY f*cked up-ness....
LIKE IT ONLY COULD BE ME....
AND ONLY MY FAULT....
WHEN THEY LET ME DOWN.....
It wasn't just ME letting THEM down.....
Hard to explain.....
But YES. I SEE how I let THEM down....
Time and time again....
And look how many times I was let down.....
Over and over again....
By everyone I ever loved....
Except my Grandmother.
SHE was the ONLY one....
Who was THERE for me
NO MATTER WHAT.
SHE LOVED ME.
I wanted my son to know that I was there for him.
That he could call me....
That we could talk....
But a lot he chose to keep to himself.
A lot he wanted me to change that I couldn't.
He scared me. He did.
So ANGRY AND HURT....
And I'm hurt, too.
He can't see how he hurt me.
MOST PEOPLE CAN'T SEE
HOW THEY HURT ME....
I'm JUST SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT.....
And ACT LIKE IT DOESN'T F*CKING HURT.
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Saturday, January 30, 2021
Delta Six
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