Catching Up

Okay, so I hit a low point and was really tempted
to just end it. These thoughts keep coming
even though I probably won't do it. 
I ended up being taken to the hospital.
I was cooperating, trying to get help. 
What I need is counselling and therapy. 
The hospital was a bit of a break
and it was good to be around other people, 
but the nurses and doctors are not counsellors
and they are not therapists. 
They only want to drug us up, and sedate us. 
There isn't the therapy or counselling.... 

I reallly needed some advice on how to deal
with this specific situation.
It's been really hard on me and I've been really struggling.... 

So they put me on a form 1 again, 
and I stayed after it expired. 
Trying to get help. 
Trying to get into a program and
get into the mental health association
so that I can start the therapy for BPD.

It's not overnight stuff. I knew that, 
but the nurse I had wasn't listening to me
so I was calling the distress line
because they listen, but they don't really help either. 
And the nurse was getting in my face
with meds when I was on the phone.
Meds I didn't ask for, 
that she was trying to make me take
JUST BECAUSE I WAS UPSET
THAT THEY WEREN'T LISTENING.

So because I was there voluntarily, 
I made the rash and rush decision to leave
because if I had to have her for a nurse, 
I just wasn't going to do that.... 

All they are about is medication
and that is all about sedation....
NOT LISTENING. 
NOT UNDERSTANDING. 
NOT HELPING. 

Sure, it is a warm and safe place, 
but I ALSO ACTUALLY NEED HELP
AND GETTING IN MY FACE
AND TELLING ME NOT TO CALL
THE DISTRESS LINE
WHEN I NEEDED HELP IN THE MOMENT
AND NEEDED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO ME.... 

WITH MEDICATION I NEVER ASKED FOR.....

That just made me more upset.... 

I need to cope and deal with things the best I can. 
This is another level of difficulty that I...
Am going through and I just really... 
I don't know what to do. 

It is not easy. It's really hard. 
I can't get through to him now. 
I f*cked it up and now I have to deal with this somehow. 
Nobody said it was going to be easy. 
I have a stubborn and angry son. 
Who has hit a red zone and I feel f*cking powerless as a parent. 
Now that he is legally an adult. 

The nurses over there are of NO HELP. 
And telling me not to call the distress line
when I need help is f*cking stupid. 

And counsellors are not answering the line, 
volunteers are. 
Some people really need help. 
And there isn't anyone who understands. 
And yes, it gets frustrating. 
And I have a right to be upset. 

And they are just pissing me off more
by not being helpful. 

Like they were trying to keep me in there longer. 
And they made me wait to talk to the doctor
who wasn't listening to me either.... 

Like they want to blame everything on covid. 
Like it's covid's fault that the mental health system 
IS TOTALLY F*CKED UP.... 

The psychiatric ward is..... Enough to DRIVE people crazy. 

One dude there was stuck in his room for 2 weeks. 
In isolation.... 
Imagine being stuck in a room for 2 weeks?
No contact with anyone?
No phone calls?
Nothing to do but sleep?

And the roommate I had at first was.... A treat. 
She NEVER SHUTS HER MOUTH.... 
TALKING TO PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T THERE.... 
I COULDN'T GET ANY SLEEP. 

So I asked to switch rooms. 
The girl who got stuck with her 
didn't want to be in that room either.... 

And then the ex roommate started calling me names
whenever she saw me.... 
Thinking I couldn't hear her. 
So I turned around and told her I could hear her
and to just say it to my face, but she wouldn't. 

So I had to put up with her nonsense....
And that was frustrating. 
It was a TEST to see how much I could put up with. 
But when they got in my face
and told me I couldn't call the distress line.....
And came at me with pills I didn't ask for.... 
That really tipped the scale and I had enough.... 

But I'm supposed to be tested like this
to learn how to handle things better than before... 
But I failed again... 

I'll probably end up back there in the future. 
But at least I know what to expect there
and I am hoping to get HELP.
And I didn't get all that I needed there. 
I got some things I needed, 
but I really need counselling and I really need therapy. 

Medication only does so much. 
It might help me sleep through the night, 
but it will not help me in the long run. 

And they were telling me....
"Use your coping skills...."
I F*CKING NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO ME!!!!!

All the coping skills for stress management
are not geared to this specific situation. 
And I can't talk openly about it in a group setting.... 

And the nurses can't give me advice
or tell me what I need to hear
because they are not therapists or counsellors.... 

And they treat people who have mental illnesses
like they are f*cking stupid.... It's disgusting. 

And I'm trying so hard to get the help I need, 
but it's really hard to deal with major issues
with BPD. Seriously. It really is. 

And I really don't think that people really even understand
what it is like to actually have mental illness
AND be facing some serious things.... 

PILLS aren't the CURE.
They might help me sleep, maybe. 
That is about it.... 
I had bad experiences with pills. 

It's a scary situation. I got scared. 

Seems like a full moon with emotions running high, tonight. 

The best bet I can think of is to GTFO of here... 
It's just that this city is all that I know. 
And needing help.... And getting help.....
I have to figure out a way. 
And that is ONLY to cope
with what is within my control.... 
I feel like there's still some unexpected, heavy sh*t
just waiting to rear it's ugly head.... 

I pulled a card tonight:
"Every decision you make
stems from what you think you are,
and represents the value
that you put upon yourself."

The last one was:
"Ego is just an IDEA, 
not a FACT..."

And I have to remember that.... 
I just want to be heard and understood
just like everyone else.... 

It was another test that I failed. 
I just really got to my limits
when they were not listening
and making sh*t harder than it had to be
and trying to sedate me
when I had reasons to be upset. 

This is probably one of the hardest things
I've ever had to deal with in my life.... 

And I know I contributed to this. 
In numerous ways.... 
I want to turn back the clock
and I can't.... 

I would if I could....