It Gets Old

Trying to "break" someone comes at a cost. 
The cost is being SEEN AS SOMEONE WHO DOES THAT SH*T.

I'VE HAD PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
IN MY LIFE DOING THAT SH*T. FAMILY DOING IT. 

IT BUGS ME THAT PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN MISERABLE
THEY WANTED TO TRY TO MAKE ME MISERABLE. 

They don't realize ALL THE SH*T I OVERCAME, THOUGH. 
OVERCOMING SH*T IS WHAT I DO.
I GOT GOOD AT IT. 

SO HOW WOULD I NOT OVERCOME THIS, TOO?

Being underestimated gets fkn old. 

Like I said, people who try to do that sh*t...
IF I DID THAT SH*T TO THEM... 

PEOPLE WHO TRY TO BREAK PEOPLE
WOULD BREAK FKN EASILY. 

BUT PEOPLE WHO OVERCOME SH*T GET HATED. 
BECAUSE A LOT OF SH*T I OVERCAME, 
A LOT OF PEOPLE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO. 

Tried to "strip" me of my "strength" and "dignity."

WHEN YOU KNOW HOW TO SUPPORT YOURSELF
THE "SUPPORT" YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN
FROM PEOPLE WHO REFUSED TO... 

DOESN'T HIT LIKE IT MIGHT HAVE
IF IT MATTERED MORE
THAN THE SUPPORT YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF. 
EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY... 

IT DOESN'T MATTER AS MUCH TO ME
AS THEY THOUGHT IT MATTERED TO ME
AND THAT'S WHY IT NEVER AFFECTED ME
THE WAY THEY WANTED IT TO. 

It would affect THEM though, 
THE WAY THEY WANTED IT TO AFFECT ME. 

I KNOW THIS. 
AND I DGAF IF THEY KNOW I KNOW THIS OR NOT.

BUT EVEN KNOWING THIS... 

NOTICE HOW I NEVER WENT THAT FAR?
I NEVER DID THAT SH*T TO THEM?

BECAUSE WHAT?
BECAUSE I NEVER NEEDED TO?
NEVER WANTED TO?
HAD NO REASON TO?

And then imagine going that far.... 

AND BLAMING THE PERSON YOU DID THAT SH*T TO?

NOPE. THAT SH*T WAS THEIR CHOICE.

LIKE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY CHOICE, 
HAD I DONE THAT BS TO THEM, RIGHT?

But what happens when you pull your energy all the way back?
SO FAR BACK THEY CANNOT "AFFECT" YOU.

NO POINT IN TRYING TO "CLEAR" MY NAME. 
OR TRYING TO "DEFEND" MYSELF, MY CHARACTER... 
JUST NO POINT.

WHO AM I DEFENDING MYSELF TO?
TO PEOPLE WHO FKN WANTED ME TO!!!!!

BECAUSE IT'S SOMEHOW SATISFYING
TO WATCH ME TRY TO!

SO WHY GIVE THEM FKN ANYTHING?

But what happens when they realize
THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABOVE IT, 
AND COULD HAVE HAD MY BACK
LIKE I COULD HAVE HAD THEIRS.... 

THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T.
TO NOT EVEN TRY. 

BUT BEING ME, THEY WANTED TO TRY TO
"MAKE ME LOOK BAD"
TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES. 

IF YOU CAN'T JUST NOT TRY TO BREAK SOMEONE, 
IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE SOMEONE "HURT..."
WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO BE AROUND YOU?

AND AT THIS AGE, WHY WOULD THEY BE LIKE THAT?
THAT'S TEEN SH*T.

AT THIS AGE, YOU DON'T EXPECT THAT SH*T. 
BUT SOME PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO. 

IT WOULD HAVE TO TAKE
FOR THAT TO BLOW TF UP IN THEIR FACES
FOR THEM TO RECONSIDER BEING LIKE THAT. 

AND I'M NOT WAITING FOR MY "JUSTICE."
MY "JUSTICE" IS NOT DEALING WITH THAT SH*T.
AND MOVING FORWARD WITHOUT ANYONE. 

BECAUSE FK ALL OF THEM. 

Friends Help Friends

Last night was my last night at my friend's place. 
He moved today. 

He had some people show up, today. 
One chick's guy... 

He was expecting to get paid. 
Says to her, "How much are we getting for this?"

She tells him we're all helping as friends. 
He tells her to give him 10 bucks. 

AND CALLS HER A C*NT FOR NOT HAVING ANYTHING
TO GIVE HIM. 

HE WANTS THE MONEY FOR CR@CK FFS.

We were all there AS FRIENDS TO HELP A FRIEND.
WHO NEEDED HELP TO MOVE FFS. 

FRIENDS HELP FRIENDS, TO HELP. 
WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING. 

HELPING TO EXPECT SOMETHING FOR HELPING IS BS.

YOU HELP BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. 

Anyways, so that night, last night... 

A guy called him while we were taping boxes... 

So he wanted to have a beer with my buddy before he left. 

So my buddy invited him over. 

My friend tells him on the phone, before he even got over, 
that I was going to be there, that I was there. 

When he comes over, he sees me and says to my buddy:
"Who's here?" Like he wasn't already fkn told before, on the phone. 

And then the first fkn thing he says is:
"Are you getting married?!"

And then after we said we're just friends:
"You should marry her..."

Da fuq?!

Maybe that's up to me? Who I'm gonna marry?
AND WHY DOES MARRIAGE
HAVE TO HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

AND HE WAS TOLD MY NAME LIKE 4 TIMES
AND KEPT CALLING ME "LOVE."

I tolerated him for my buddy's sake, 
but just meeting the guy.... That once, no. 
Not someone I want to chill with. 
In any capacity. 

BUGS ME THAT IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER MY NAME, 
JUST FKN ASK ME!

DON'T FKN CALL ME LOVE OR SWEETIE
OR FKN PUMPKIN FFS. 

DON'T HAVE TO CALL ME ANYTHING!

IT BUGS ME. OKAY?

AND WOULD HE HAVE DONE THAT SH*T
IF I WAS A DUDE?!

AND HE WENT AND KISSED MY BUDDY
ON THE CHEEK, LIKE KISSED HIM GOODBYE. 

COULD HAVE SAID GOODBYE WITHOUT THAT?

DID MY BUDDY SAY HE WANTED TO BE KISSED?
BY THAT DUDE? NO?
THEN?

MAYBE RESPECT THAT HE'D RATHER NOT.

BY JUST NOT... ?

Anyway, it's been rough... 

Mirror smasher's bs did take a toll on me, 
BUT PRETTY SURE HIS BS
WAS BECAUSE HE WAS BEING LIED TO
BY THE SAME TW@TS USING HIM ETC. 

IF YOU LISTEN TO PEOPLE LYING AND TALKING SH*T, 
YOU'RE THE ONE LISTENING TO IT.
DID YOU HAVE TO?
OR COULD YOU HAVE TOLD ME?

BUT WHEN SOME PEOPLE GET MANIPULATED, 
A LOT OF THE TIME THEY AREN'T AWARE OF IT. 

BUT STILL DIDN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO LIES. 
ABOUT ME. 

AND I DEFINITELY WON'T GO "SETTING PEOPLE STRAIGHT."

IF THEY AREN'T STRAIGHT AND DON'T HAVE THE FACTS
ABOUT ME FROM ME, 

WHY SHOULD I GO TO ANY LENGTH
TO DISPELL LIES?

Let them live with the fact THEY LIED TO TRY TO DISTORT
HOW SOMEONE THOUGHT ABOUT ME... 

AND THEN IGNORED THE WARNING TO STOP DOING IT. 

THEY TURNED HIM ON ME. 
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T TOUCH ME. 

TO "AFFECT" ME OR "DISCOURAGE" ME FROM HAVING
ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM, 

BUT HE TOOK THE BAIT BY BELIEVING WHATEVER IT WAS... 
BY LETTING THEM TURN HIM. 

Wanted me to be "emotional" and at "war with myself" and "broken"
THAT THEY WERE TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE
SOMETHING I'M NOT. 

BECAUSE IF THEY DID SEE ME, AS I ACTUALLY AM, 
THEY WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE. 

IMAGINE BEING LIKE THAT?

TO BE SO FKN MISERABLE TO TRY TO DISTORT
HOW OTHER PEOPLE LOOK AT SOMEONE?

AND WHEN IT DIDN'T AFFECT ME THE WAY THEY WANTED IT TO.... 
BECAUSE I DIDN'T REACT THE WAY THEY WANTED ME TO... 
THEY COULDN'T GET ME TO ACT ALL "CRAZY" 
LIKE I WAS "SUPPOSED TO BE" LOL.

Imagine "hating" on someone
Just for picking themselves up?

AFTER ALL THAT BS?

ALL BECAUSE I'VE STEPPED UP, 
TIME AND TIME AGAIN?

WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT MY CONFIDENCE FROM?
FROM STEPPING UP. 

But they all had a choice in it. 
A CHOICE IN LYING ABOUT ME
FOR THEIR AGENDA... 

AND A CHOICE IN BELIEVING THE LIES. 

AND THEN TREATING ME LIKE SH*T
BECAUSE OF LIES. 

TF WOULD I WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT?

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE DONE THAT SH*T. 

THEY KEPT DOING IT BECAUSE IT WORKED. 
UNTIL I STOPPED PLAYING THEIR GAME. 
I WALKED AWAY FOR REASONS. 

BECAUSE FK THAT. 

THEY CAN DEAL WITH THEIR OWN BS. 

AND IF I EVEN WENT TO WHERE I COULD HAVE TAKEN IT, 
HAD I BEEN "CRAZY"... HAHAHA!

WOULD THAT BE "JUSTICE"?

REACTING TO ANYTHING... 
LETTING THEM "AFFECT" ME... 
WAITING FOR THEM TO REALIZE ANYTHING... 

WHAT WOULD THAT PROVE?

SILENCE CAN BE JUST AS DE@DLY. 

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO SAY SH*T. 

WHAT WOULD SAYING ANYTHING, DO?
THEIR WHOLE THING WAS TO TWIST
EVERYTHING I SAID AND DID. 

SO WHY GIVE THEM ANYTHING TO TWIST?

BUT PEOPLE WHO WERE LIED TO... 
THEY COULD HAVE BEEN ABOVE THE BS. 

THEY DIDN'T NEED TO BE ANY PART OF IT. 

THEY COULD HAVE SEEN WHAT IT WAS. 

BUT NOW, THEY GET TO WONDER WHY 
I'M NOT SAYING SH*T NOW. 

WHY TRY TO DEFEND MYSELF TO LIARS?

TRYING TO PUT ME DOWN, 
TO TRY TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK BETTER... 

BUT THEN THEY DON'T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY
WITHOUT THEM, EITHER. 

ALREADY KNOW I CAN'T TRUST PEOPLE LIKE THAT!

They'll be targeting someone else, now. 

Imagine being jealous of someone that fkn bad.... 
WHEN THERE IS NOTHING TO EVEN BE THAT FKN 
INSECURE ABOUT
AND ANYONE'S INSECURITY WITH THEMSELVES
SHOULD NOT BE MY FKN PROBLEM. 

THEY SHOULD BE THEIR OWN PROBLEM. 

HAVING TO LIVE LIKE THAT, THOUGH... 

TO GET SOMETHING... ANYTHING. 

But here's the thing... 
PEOPLE WHO TRY TO BREAK SOMEONE
WOULD BE FKN SHATTERED IF THE PERSON
THEY TRIED TO BREAK
TRIED TO BREAK THEM!!!!!!!

I'M STRONG ENOUGH TO NEVER FEEL THE "NEED"
TO FKN BREAK ANYONE. 

EVEN STRUGGLING, I SEE OTHER PEOPLE STRUGGLING
SO WHY TF WOULD I DO THAT SH*T?

BUT IF SOMEONE'S GOING TO TRY TO TARNISH
SOMETHING THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
AND SEEM TO ONLY SEE SOME THINGS... 

BUT TRY TO HATE ON ME... WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
WHY WOULD I STAY THERE?
EXCUSE ME?

DON'T HAVE TO SAY OR DO SH*T
FOR ANYTHING TO BE EXPOSED
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. 

They were supposed to "take me down"
BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. 

Too busy with how far I've come
TO EVER TURN BACK. 

AND I DGAF IF THAT P*SSES ANYONE OFF. 

BECAUSE I CAN BE ALONE, COMPLETELY, 
AND UNREGRETTABLY, 
THAT DOESN'T "HURT" ME AT ALL LOL. 

What would I have "won"? What was I trying to "win"?

AND EVEN IF HE CAME TO ME, TODAY, 
"TRYING TO MAKE PEACE WITH ME"
WHY TF WOULD I EVER TRUST HIM, AGAIN?

IT'S MY CHOICE NOT TO. 

BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO.
I WASN'T. SO WHY WOULD I?
WHY SHOULD I?

And pretty sure most of it was because they knew
that I quit drinking and wanted to see
if they could push me to relapse lol. 

Just miserable people wanted me to be miserable
BUT WHO SAYS THAT I NEED TO BE?

ALL "BROKEN" AND "IN PIECES" LOL... 

Sure, disappointed that it even went like that... 

Because it never had to... 

BUT KNOWING THAT IT DID AND WHY IT DID... 
JUST NO TIME FOR IT. 

But trying to "affect" me mentally, emotionally, etc... 
KNOWING YOU CHOSE TO TRY TO DO THAT... 
JUST NO. 

BECAUSE: DID I TRY TO DO THAT SH*T TO YOU?

ALL THE TIMES I HAVE HAD TO PICK MYSELF UP
AND DUST MYSELF OFF... 

WOULDN'T I BE USED TO DOING IT?
SO WHY TRY TO BE HATING ON ME
FOR BEING ABLE TO?

FOR FKN HAVING TO FKN HAVE TO?
ALL THE FKN TIME?
BECAUSE OF SH*T LIKE THAT?

PEOPLE WHO DO THAT SH*T
DON'T LIKE BEING LOOKED AT
AS PEOPLE WHO DO THAT SH*T. 

SO WHEN IT BACKFIRES, FINALLY, 
AND PEOPLE SEE THAT SH*T, FINALLY, 

THAT I WAS "LEFT OUT"
INTENTIONALLY.... 

TF WOULD I WANT TO BE A PART OF THAT, NOW?
FOR THE GOOD OF MY HEALTH?

BECAUSE I NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN
DONE LIKE THAT?

TOO LATE! ALREADY DID THAT.

ALREADY WALKED AWAY FROM THAT SH*T.

Anyway, it's all very gross. 

My buddy gave me a bunch of his old clothes
that he didn't want or don't fit him. 

One of the hoodies he gave me... 
He must have broken the zipper on it, 
because when I tried to zip it, 
the "truck" was put on upside down lol. 

I love having some "new" comfy clothes. 

Also, I found some really comfy socks 
at the dollar store. 

My son asked if he could meet me there, 
When he came to see me for the party. 

I would have gone to meet him, but he actually
came all the way down here to meet me here. 

The next time, we're going to see my folks. 
For my mother's birthday. 

We went, once, together, so far.

So we'll see how that goes.

I wish I had all the faith in them
THAT THEY WON'T BE SH*TTY
TO US AT SOME POINT. 

BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN. 
MANY TIMES. 

BUT THEY ARE STILL MY FOLKS. 

COULD TREAT US BETTER, THOUGH...

COULD HAVE... 

My son asked me once:
"Why do you have anything to do with her?"

"Because she's my mother."

If she weren't my mother, 
I probably wouldn't. 

All the BS I was put through... 
Especially as a kid... 

Anyway, I don't ever hope for
ANY REAL CHANGE ANYMORE. 

BECAUSE I KNOW, BY NOW, 
IT WON'T FKN HAPPEN. 

SO WHY HOPE FOR THAT?

I felt really bad today... 
My buddy had an older lady neighbor... 

He asked me to bring down a bag of blankets to her place... 
I had heard about "the smell" before I got down there, 
but... It is bad. 

Even with her door open... It is bad. 

I was gagging and eyes watering... 

She was trying to get me to go visit with her
while everyone was loading the truck
and I felt bad for saying I "couldn't"
because I was there to be helping. 
Not visiting with her... 

And after the truck was packed up... 
I was getting ready to leave, 
getting my "outdoor pants" on... 

I was putting them on outside. 
"Come to my place to do that..."

I felt like I was going to puke. 
When I was there the first time 
so I told her I really had to go soon
so I couldn't... 

And she was telling me that she wanted me to visit her
and I was welcome to see her any time. 

Wanted me to make a routine out of it... 

I don't know this lady. I met her twice. 

She's lonely and told me nobody visits her. 
It's that her place smells BAD. 

I wasn't even there for like 10 minutes. 

I've smelled that smell before, 
BUT NOTHING LIKE THAT.

THAT WAS... PUTRID.

BUT SHE PROBABLY CAN'T SMELL IT HERSELF. 
IF SHE COULD, SHE WOULD KNOW.

WHY PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO VISIT. 

I FELT SO BAD FOR NOT WANTING TO VISIT. 

But you can't really go up to someone you don't know
and say: "Come see me once a week or something."

Really, I don't owe her anything. 

But I felt bad about it. 

Anyway, someone wrote a political post on fb. 
I commented on it and he sent me the budget for this year. 

Canada's federal budget. 

YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY
THEY ALLOCATED TOWARDS HOUSING?
10 BILLION DOLLARS.

There are over 80k homeless people
IN ONTARIO ALONE. 

AND 10 BILLION DOLLARS
IS SOMEHOW SUPPOSED TO FIX THAT. 

Here's a snip I took of it:

I dunno if you can see it, but it's sad. 

THEY PLAN TO PUT MOST OF THE MONEY
INTO "INFRASTRUCTURE"
AND "PRODUCTIVITY AND COMPETITIVENESS"
WTF DO THOSE EVEN MEAN?

LOOK HOW LITTLE THEY ARE GOING TO BE 
SPENDING ON FKING NATIONAL DEFENSE FFS.

LIKE NOT EVEN A QUARTER OF "INFRASTRUCTURE"
MONEY... 

THE WAY THE CITY'S "MAINTAINED" IT DOESN'T 
LOOK LIKE THEY SPENT ANY MONEY IN 
"INFRASTRUCTURE"

NICE TO SEE THEY WANT TO "DEFEND" 
WHATEVER THEY PLAN ON FKIN BUILDING
WITH OVER 100 BILLION DOLLARS... 

This is tax money, too!

Those top "places" they are putting most of the money... 

WHAT WOULD THERE BE LEFT TO FKN DEFEND?
IF THEY ONLY WANT TO SPEND 40 BILLION?
NOT EVEN, LOOKS LIKE... 

LOTS OF CANADIANS ARE P*SSED ABOUT THIS
"BUDGET."

THEY LITERALLY PUT THAT MONEY
IN THOSE "BROAD" CATEGORIES
TO SPEND MORE THAN HALF THE BUDGET
ON WHATEVER. 

WHAT DOES "PRODUCTIVITY AND COMPETITIVENESS"
EVEN FKN MEAN?! 

AND WHAT ABOUT THE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS
THAT THE CONSERVATIVES HAVE BEEN ASKING ABOUT?

"WHERE DID THE MONEY GO"? NO ANSWERS. 

MUST HAVE GONE TO "PRODUCTIVITY AND COMPETITIVENESS."

CANADA CAN'T COMPETE MUCH WITH OTHER COUNTRIES. 

HOW CAN WE? WHAT SPECIFICALLY DO WE HAVE TO OFFER?

LOTS OF COUNTRIES ARE AHEAD OF US BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS. 

IT'S FKN EMBARRASSING. 

Anyway, the budget is $280 Billion dollars. 

ONLY 40 BILLION ON NATIONAL DEFENSE.

BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH
TO TAKE SERIOUSLY... 

AND 10 BILLION DOLLARS IS SUPPOSED TO BUILD
ALL THE HOUSING FOR MILLIONS
WHO COME TO CANADA
PLUS THE PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY HERE.

WILD.

AND SAD.

AND AGGRAVATING.

The USA spends around 1 Trillion dollars on their defense. 

Last year, Canada spent like 29 Billion dollars on national defense. 

So this year, it's not doubled, but increased, 
BUT STILL LAUGHABLE.
FOR A G7 COUNTRY. 

BUT "PRODUCTIVITY AND COMPETITIVENESS"?

WHAT DOES THAT "ENTAIL"?

Supposedly, 85% of our "trade" (exports) are tariff-free.
Globally, it's 17%. 
Somehow ours went down to 5.4%.

DESPITE THE FREE TRADE AGREEMENT.

Anyway, one on of the times I helped my friend
sort and pack his stuff, 

he was going to throw away a big bag of shake... 
So he gave it to me. 

Like a quarter of a garbage bag full of shake. 

I found a "coffee press" thing... 
So I finally "pressed" some tea. 

On my second cup of it, now. 

Been taking me a while to finish writing this post lol. 

BUT ALL THE WHILE THE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVED LIES
ABOUT ME
COULD HAVE ASKED THEMSELVES:
"WHAT IF THAT WAS A LIE?"

"THEY WOULDN'T LIE TO ME!"
YA? WELL THEY DID. NOW WHAT?

WOULD YOU BE UPSET BEING LIED TO?
ABOUT SOMEONE WHO NEVER FKN DID ANYTHING TO YOU?
WHO WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU?
AND WHY WOULDN'T THEY?

BECAUSE THEY AREN'T ANYTHING CLOSE
TO WHAT THEY WERE SAYING. 

WHO'D EVEN KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT ME?
ANYONE KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH
TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
NO?

THEN HOW WOULD THEY FKN "KNOW" ANYTHING?
ABOUT ME?

THEY DON'T! SO THEN WHAT THEY "CLAIM" THEY "KNOW"
PROBABLY ISN'T THE CASE!

BUT DON'T ASK YOURSELF
WHETHER OR NOT IT'S ACTUALLY TRUE. 

AND DON'T HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME ABOUT IT.
ABOUT ME. LOL.

PEOPLE WHO LIE ABOUT PEOPLE
NEVER EXPECT THE PERSON THEY LIED TO
TO GO TO THE PERSON THEY LIED ABOUT
TO ASK THEM IF SOMETHING'S TRUE OR NOT... 

THEY JUST ASSUME IT'S TRUE!!!!
WHY WOULD THEY LIE TO ME?!

ASK YOURSELF WHY THEY WOULD. 
THEN MAYBE IT'LL CLICK. 

WHAT I WAS SAYING
AND WHY I WAS SAYING IT. 

BUT BELIEVE THE LIES, DO WHATEVER. 
THEY CAN KEEP ALL THAT MESS. 

BUT WHEN THEY REALIZE... 
"I TREATED HER LIKE SH*T BECAUSE SO AND SO LIED TO ME."

THEN, STILL BELIEVED IT!
DIDN'T HAVE TO!
COULD HAVE HAD A CONVERSATION WITH ME. 

BUT TO "BLIND" SOMEONE TO SOMEONE... 
TO TRY TO "KEEP SOMEONE AWAY"

AND THE LIES WERE THE BAIT!
TOOK THE BAIT!!!

HOW IS CHOOSING TO DO THAT SH*T
MY FAULT?!

If It Was The Other Way

If it was the other way and I had fkd him around... 

Not only fkd him around, but trusted the wrong people... 

People who wanted to actually harm me. 
Says what? For what?
For "control" over someone?
Someone who needs to be "controlling" himself?

WHO TRIED TO CONTROL ME. 
LOOKS LIKE WHAT, TO ME?
SOMETHING I'D RESPECT?

THAT SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH
RESPECT FOR ME. 

BECAUSE WHAT WAS I DOING?
EXISTING?

TELLING HIM?

SHOULDN'T HE HAVE TOLD ME?
HAD IT BEEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

IF ANY OF MY "FRIENDS" "THREATENED" HIM?

IF MY EX WAS CONTACTING HIM?
THREATENING HIM? ETC?

Iron Heart was trying to "make me feel better"
by telling me that mirror smasher chose a level of hormones
over me. 

If it was that, it wasn't just that. 
Sh*tty habits and false beliefs. 

If it weren't for those hormones, though, eh? 

SH*TTY HABITS AND FALSE BELIEFS.... 
STAY SH*TTY HABITS AND FALSE BELIEFS.
UNTIL THEY ARE UNDERSTOOD. 
AND SOMETHING IS DONE ABOUT IT. 

WAS I ASKING FOR THE MOON?
ALL THE STARS IN THE SKY?

OR WAS I ASKING FOR
SOMETHING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT?

AND THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANYTHING
TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT, IDEALLY. 

BUT, WHEN I WAS INSECURE... 
I HAD MY OWN SH*T TO FACE, STILL DOING IT.

BUT TO BLUFF? WHOOPS!
GUESS YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

GAMBLED ON IF I'D ACTUALLY WALK AWAY
AND CUT OFF ACCESS TO ME.

THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE WHO EITHER
TURNED THEIR BACK ON ME, 
OR FORCED ME TO TURN MINE 
ON THEM. 

BECAUSE IT TAKES A LOT FOR ME
TO EVEN WANT TO GIVE UP
ON FKN ANYONE. 

AT THE SAME TIME, THOUGH, 
IT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD
TO TAKE AS MUCH AS IT TOOK
FOR ME TO FINALLY WALK AWAY, 
THIS TIME. 

It really shouldn't have. 

THE VERY FIRST FK UP.
SHOULD HAVE SAID TO ME
ALL THAT IT NEEDED TO... 

AND IF IT WAS ME DOING IT?
AND IF MY EX WAS INVOLVED
IN WHAT WAS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS?
WATCHING ME LITERALLY TALK TO THE GUY?
AND JUMPED ON OUR CONVERSATION
TO "ATTACK" US BOTH....

WHAT WOULD HE THINK OF THAT SH*T?
WHAT WOULD I THINK OF THAT SH*T?
WHAT WOULD ANYONE THINK OF THAT SH*T?

GUESS HE DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF IT
BECAUSE HE STAYED INVESTED IN THAT SH*T!!!!!!!

THEY BOTH USED IT TO RUIN AND POTENTIAL
OR POSSIBILITY. 

AFTER THAT SHE TRIED TO FKN APOLOGIZE TO ME!
LIKE I'D ACCEPT THAT APOLOGY! DA FUQ!
EXCUSE ME?!

BUT SHE EXPECTED ME TO
JUST BECAUSE SHE APOLOGIZED!

If MY ex was so obsessed, he crashed my fkn 
PRIVATE CONVERSATION
HE WASN'T INVITED TO
TO "ATTACK ME" AND HIM
FOR EVEN FKN TALKING... 

WHAT WOULD HE THINK OF THAT SH*T?

AND EVERY TIME WE TRIED TO TALK, 
SHE LITERALLY JUMPS INTO OUR CONVO
TO "DISTRACT" HIM SO HE "CAN'T" TALK TO ME
AND HE LET HER FKN DO IT AND KEEP FKN DOING IT
TO THE POINT I TOLD HIM TO P*SS TF OFF... 

AND AFTER I TOLD HIM TO P*SS TF OFF
HE EITHER GAVE HER MY NUMBER
OR SHE DEMANDED IT FROM HIM... 

TO "COME AT ME"
BECAUSE SHE "WANTED TO,"

HAD I TRIED TO COME FOR HER
JUST BECAUSE I "WANTED TO"???!!!

WANTING TO JUST FKN DO SOMETHING
ISN'T AN EXCUSE TO JUST FKN DO IT.

That's what self-control is.

After I quit drinking, I gradually became less and less
IMPULSIVE.

BECAUSE THERE WAS A TIME THAT I PROBABLY
WOULD HAVE HURT MY EX FOR PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD.
JUST FOR DOING IT.

BUT I DIDN'T.

I WOULD HAVE LET MY ANGER CONTROL ME.
I DIDN'T.

I COULD HAVE, EASILY.  I DIDN'T.

BECAUSE THAT IS A CHOICE.
I CHOSE NOT TO.

LIKE HE COULD HAVE CHOSEN
NOT TO HIT ME, EVER.
PERIOD.

When you take control over making choices, 
you SEE that it's actually not that hard
to control yourself
because you can control yourself
by controlling your choices. 

"I have the choice to punch my girlfriend in the head"
OR...
"I HAVE THE CHOICE NOT TO."
"UP TO ME TO CHOOSE."

JUST LIKE IT WAS UP TO ME TO CHOOSE
NOT TO HURT HIM FOR PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD.
CORRECT?

It was up to me to tell the boss what happened. 
That he left with the fkn client's keys.
Took the client's keys across the country. 

But it was up to him to choose to do what he did or choose not to.

I HAD NO CHOICE ABOUT HAVE TO TELL THE BOSS.
I HAD TO CALL HIM ON THANKSGIVING FFS.
RUINED HIS THANKSGIVING. 
MINE WAS FKN FANTASTIC, TOO. 

I TOLD MY MOTHER I WAS FKN SAD... 
SHE TOLD ME TO GO BE SAD SOME OTHER DAY, 
NOT ON THANKSGIVING FFS.

LIKE MY FEELINGS NEVER FKN MATTER. 
TO FKN ANYONE. 

IT DOES P*SS ME OFF. 

BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE'S FEELINGS... 
I'M SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT, RIGHT?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT.
WHAT THEY WANT ALL MATTERS. 
DOES WHAT I WANT MATTER, AT ALL?

And the funniest thing is that IF he wanted to come towards me
SHE WOULDN'T BE HAVING IT LOL!

SHE WOULDN'T EVEN LET HIM TALK TO ME
WHEN IT IS LITERALLY HIS CHOICE. 

HE CAME BACK TO ME MORE THAN ONCE.
IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO, 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE. 

I NEVER MADE HIM COME BACK MY WAY.

She needs to focus on trying to control herself, 
not try to control him, or try to control me... 

TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING SHE WANTS... 

WTF DO I OWE HER?

HE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO CHOOSE HER
AFTER I WALKED AWAY LOL. 

WHAT DID SHE WIN? LOL. 

The thing is that when you realize what you lost, 
"You never know what you've got until it's gone"
by that time, you've already lost it.

JUST LIKE HE WAS A COWARD TO ME, 
HE'LL DO THAT SH*T AGAIN. 

THE FK WOULD I TRUST HIM FOR?

YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND
THAT AT THE VERY BEGINNING
HE TOLD ME HE WAS DONE WITH HER.

SHE'D ALREADY BETRAYED HIM ETC... 
AND HE WASN'T HAPPY ETC... 

HE FKN LIED TO ME
AND KEPT LYING TO ME
FKD ME AROUND ETC. 

AFTER DOING THAT, HE SAID "SORRY"
GAVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, DID THAT SH*T
AGAIN. 

BECAUSE EACH TIME I WAS 
"BACK IN HIS LIFE," SHE'D START HER SH*T.

That should have been as easy as it was to see. 

So she can keep being about her sh*t and so can he. 

Tf would I want to be around that sh*t?

Friggin right I'm disappointed.

It's like each time it's just... Wtf did I give him another chance for?
FOR HIM TO SEE CLEARLY?
TO GROW?

SHE DOESN'T WANT HIM TO
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT. 

SH*T NEEDS TO CHANGE. 

PEOPLE NEED TO GROW TF UP.

HE CAN ONLY CONTROL IF HE LETS HER. 
BUT DON'T FKN LISTEN TO ME. 
LIKE I KNOW SH*T LOL. 

SHE'S "DESPERATE" FOR HIM NOT TO
EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO COME BACK MY WAY, 

BUT WHY WOULD I WANT HIM TO?

"You Only Said No Once"

By far a pretty scary thing to hear a guy say. 

I'll give you context about it, though. 
It's not what you think. 

But still pretty scary. 

One of those places that gets people to donate money
over the phone for a charity... 

I donated before so they kept calling me. 

BUT THE TIMES THEY CALLED ME
AND I LITERALLY DIDN'T HAVE 
ANY MONEY TO GIVE THEM

AND THEY ARE THINKING
I'M JUST TRYING TO BE "DIFFICULT"
AND "DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CHARITY"
AND TREATING ME LIKE THAT

INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO WHAT I SAID:
"SORRY, I CAN'T DONATE RIGHT NOW."

THEN THEY KEPT GOING TRYING TO GET ME TO, 
ANYWAY,
AFTER I JUST TOLD THEM
THAT I PHYSICALLY COULDN'T. 

SO I TOLD THE GUY THAT IT'S FRUSTRATING
WHEN THEY DO THAT.

"YOU HAVE DONATED IN THE PAST..."
WHICH MEANS I'M EXPECTED TO NOW?

AND THEN HE SAYS "YOU ONLY SAID NO ONCE.
I CAN'T JUST GIVE UP."

I FKN GOT MAD AT THAT SH*T.

SO I SAID: "YES, YOU CAN. IT'S CALLED RESPECT.
DON'T EVER CALL ME AGAIN, THANKS."

I HUNG UP.

BUT IMAGINE HEARING THAT?
"YOU ONLY SAID NO ONCE..."

NO SHOULD BE FKN NO!

I EVEN APOLOGIZED THAT I ACTUALLY COULDN'T FFS!
LIKE WHAT DOES EVERYONE FKN WANT FROM ME?
COMPARED TO WHAT I WANT FROM ANYONE?

But what it made me think of is...
Imagine going on a date with the guy, 
he tries to kiss you and you say no, that you don't want to... 

Or if you had your rag and couldn't have s#x with the guy.... 

"You only said no once..." DA FUQ IS DAT SH*T?!
YOU HEAR ME?!
BECAUSE YOU BETTER HEAR ME!
NO IS JUST FKN NO, BRO.
OR SIS, 
OR MA, OR PA, 
OR WHO TF EVER... 

EVEN JUST ONCE, NO IS NO.