Politics In Knitting

I just got back from the knitting group. 
The first meeting of the year.

Lots of stuff donated this time. 
Someone who doesn't want to join the group. 
And doesn't want to be a 'home knitter.'
Just wanted to donate stuff she made.

She donated a bunch of mittens, 
and sets of hats, mittens, with a scarf.

A set with all three.
All three per set.

I sometimes get pangs of jealousy lol. 
Knowing someone is going to receive
the donation.

Some of the things I wish I could have.

They turn out so well!
I was eyeing some blue mittens.

I haven't broken out my mittens, yet.
I've made 3 or 4 pairs of mittens, ever.

The first pair, they turned out too big. 
Big enough to wear another pair
inside that pair.

Which is what I do when it gets too cold. 
They are blue, because... It's my thing. 

I actually attached them on a "string"
so that I can put the string through my sleeves. 
And I don't lose my mittens that way.

Yeah, it's what parents did for kids...
Back in the day, but it works.

I really didn't want to lose this pair. 
I really like the color of the wool I used, 
and I used a fancy stitch from a magazine.

I've been looking through the magazines I have around...
There was a time I'd buy stuff off ebay...
Stuff I didn't and don't need, 
but I couldn't resist.

Anyway, during that time, I bought many magazines.
Also, back when they sold them in the stores.

The stores I used to get them from don't sell
knitting or crochet magazines anymore.

A lot of the old patterns I have are
actually what one would call vintage.

I have an appreciation for vintage things.

Anyway, we were talking about politics and immigration
in our meeting today.

They are totally die-hard libs,
and I know this already because we
had a bit of a talk about politics, before.

That's why when they're talking about it, 
I'll listen, but I know a lot of people
who are die-hard libs would disagree with me.

And I don't need anyone looking at me any type of way
BECAUSE OF HOW I THINK
AND WHAT I BELIEVE.

First, they are anti- conservatives
because they were pretty much
in consensus that conservatives make cuts to
services like health care. 

And they were saying how Ford, 
the premiere of Toronto, 
wants to keep leaning towards
privatizing health care.

The thing is that there's a lot of money in it.

One of the ladies left the meeting early
because she had to go get a vaccine to travel. 

She's going to South Asia.
And some vaccines are mandatory.
The one she's getting is for Japanese Encephalitis.

Any idea how much that ONE vaccine costs?
1 thousand dollars. $1k!!!!
FOR A VACCINE.

It's not like you can just pack your bags and go 
there's stuff you have to do before you can go.

Besides, Japanese Encephalitis doesn't sound fun to me.

It's a myth that our health care is completely free.
In Canada, it's around $50 for an ambulance.
In the USA it's around $2k for an ambulance.

Here, we don't have to pay to see the doctor, 
and a lot is covered, like cancer treatments.

But there are some things that aren't covered.

And the wait lists for "public health care" are long.
If people have the money, they don't have to wait years.

But someone pointed out that it's the people
kind of like budging in line who have the money
who are making the other people have to wait as long. 

So of course they were saying a bunch of things
about the conservatives, 
how they aren't talking about what they plan to do
if they get into office ect.

Well, they want to have the libs investigated.

And part of the reason they are staying tight-lipped
is that they don't need the libs stealing their ideas.

Because they will do that and put their spin on it.

Just like how Pierre wants to "axe the tax"
so what did the libs do? Tax break for 2 months.

Stupid things like that.
They want to take something like a GST tax break
AND TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM 
LIKE A GREAT IDEA
WHEN IT ACTUALLY COSTS.

SO WHY WOULD THE CONSERVATIVES
BE ALL LIKE:
"THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO!"
AND LAY IT ALL OUT THERE
FOR THE THINGS THE LIBS
COULD HAVE BEEN DOING
FOR THE LAST 9 YEARS....


And all the women were saying like:
"Oh, ODSP... Don't know how anyone can live on that."

THESE LADIES PAYING MORE
FOR A VACATION THAN I LIVE ON
FOR A YEAR.

But I keep my cards close to my chest.
Especially about what I think about politics. 
Around people who are die-hard libs. 

The one thing I hear every die-hard lib say
is that they spend too much, as a government.

WHICH IS TRUE, 
BUT ON THINGS THAT HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH US FFS.

MAYBE LESS ON THOSE THINGS?

And I heard one say that she wouldn't mind
a party like the conservatives "used to be."
She was referring to when Stephen Harper was PM.

First, he was the right guy for the job for the budget.
AN ECONOMIST SHOULD BE IN CHARGE
OF THE ECONOMY, RIGHT?

It's that there were cuts made to factors
that needed more funding. 

Libs don't seem to make any cuts.
ON THINGS WE DON'T NEED
AND DON'T NEED TO BE SHELLING OUT FOR...

40M where's that gone?
THE CRICKET PROCESSING PLANT... 7M FFS.
WHY TF WOULD WE NEED ONE?

All kinds of funding that gets signed off on...
IT ADDS UP.

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?
Sure, taxes. 

Pretty sure there's an exit tax for leaving Canada FFS.

TAXES, and FEDERAL RESERVE.

Federal reserve is a loan from the reserve.

Our federal debt is in the trillions, by now.
Although I don't know the exact amount, 
it's a sum that kinda boggles the mind

BECAUSE THINGS THAT COULD BE FUNDED
ARE NOT BEING FUNDED. 


There was a guy on Youtube the other day, 
made a video about the decline of O-town
and the line between people who have and don't. 

He was just driving around, filming
and talking about how the houses that are
being put up are pretty much for
NEW Canadians. 

People COMING to Canada
GET 10X more help than the average Canadian. 

That bugs me.

But he was also saying how O-Town's infrastructure isn't
cutting the mustard to accompany
the volume of people.

Like they put up hundreds of new homes
in an area that still has 1 lane traffic. 

First of all, O-Town wasn't really built to be a city.
The city is trying to "spread out" more.
But the areas it's spreading out to
DON'T HAVE WHAT THEY NEED
TO SUSTAIN THEMSELVES

SO THOSE PEOPLE COME INTO THE CORE PARTS
OF THE CITY.

THAT'S WHY IT GETS MORE AND MORE CONGESTED. 
THAT'S WHY THEY NEED A NEW HOSPITAL
IN THE WEST END. 

LEAVE THE CENTRAL HOSPITALS
FOR THE CENTRAL PARTS OF THE CITY...

INSTEAD OF WHY? FLOODING THEM!!!
THEY ARE HOSPITALS, 
NOT SKATING RINKS.

Anyway, it's that if we are taking millions
of NEW CANADIANS... EACH YEAR, 
AND THEY ARE GETTING THE HOMES ECT,

AND EVEN THE NURSES AND DOCTORS
COMING FROM OTHER COUNTRIES, 
THEY MAKE IT SO HARD
TO BECOME A DOCTOR HERE
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE A DOCTOR
IN THEIR OWN COUNTRY...

And if it weren't for immigrants, 
someone was saying, 
that we wouldn't even have as many doctors, here.

Because less and less Canadians are getting trained. 
Maybe because fewer and fewer Canadians
can even keep going the way they already are.

My dream, so far, is just paying my debt back.
NOT HAVING THAT HANGING OVER MY HEAD FOREVER.

Would it be cool to own a home, one day? Yeah. 
Most people see it as unattainable. 

One lady helps people with their taxes.
She sees a lot of people working 2 jobs sometimes 3.

Working pretty much around the clock
just to be able to "afford" a comfortable life.

One of the ladies said she thinks that having
a "food bank" is demeaning. 

IF WE DIDN'T, A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD
GO WITHOUT. 

I still have to ration what I have. I hate it, 
but if I didn't, I'd be starving all the time.

So it's nice to think about being able to afford
certain luxuries ect.

Live vicariously through others' stories...

BUT I THINK... PEOPLE
PUT TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON
LUXURY THINGS.

How much money would they save
NOT GOING ON THAT ONE TRIP?

I guess we only live once...

It's just crazy to me.
To even justify spending thousands of dollars
ON SOMETHING 'NICE TO HAVE.'

It will be crazy to me to even have that kind of money
where I don't have to think twice about having whatever.

Probably won't change a whole lot, 
because I don't want a whole lot, 

and not the best at saving, but not the worst at it.

I'm not a shopaholic and can say no to buying stuff. 
Looking around, that's fine.

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BUY IT.
I CAN JUST LOOK AT IT.

Anyway, back to the politics, 
I just let them talk about it and listen.

To their views. 
Like they seem to agree with certain things
that the conservatives do...

They don't go overboard with the budget.
They are more fiscally responsible. 

WHICH IS WHAT WE NEED
JUST IN TRYING TO GET US ON TRACK.

OUR ECONOMY IS F*CKED.

It's the top 5% of the population
who go on these fancy trips, 
own their homes, who can afford food etc...

THEY ARE LIVING IN A BUBBLE.

OF COURSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW
ANYONE LIVING ON LESS THAN $1K/MONTH
ACTUALLY LIVES...

It's like this:
After paying all your bills and rent, 
you have around $250/month
for food and whatever else.

So you have to budget for food, 
and I ration tf out of my food. 
I'd love to just eat whatever, whenever.

Just go into my "mansion kitchen"
and just have everything "on hand"
to cook or bake whatever, whenever...

Y'know? Just like some get to do.
AND THOSE WHO GET TO DO THAT
TAKE GETTING TO DO THAT
FOR GRANTED.

EVEN HAVING YOUR OWN WASHER AND DRYER,
AND DISHWASHER...

But those aren't cheap anymore either.
And they are mostly computerized ones.

I guess every new modern machine
is computerized in some way nowadays.

But I'm just saying is that when someone
LIVES IN COMFORT
THEY GET USED TO THAT COMFORT
AND THEY DON'T THINK
ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE
WITHOUT IT.

And it seems like they would almost go to
any lengths not to have to.

I remember a case where a really rich guy
was losing his fortune ect.
He did a murd*r su*cide on his family. 

As though he'd rather them die
than to 'experience' 'poverty'?

Or blame him for losing their luxury?
Like life was just somehow not worth living?
If it meant they'd be "poor"?

WITHOUT THE STUFF AND THINGS!
OH NO! NOT WITHOUT THE STUFF AND THINGS!
*SARCASM*
HOW CAN WE LIVE WITHOUT THEM?!

HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT MY STARBUX 8 TIMES A DAY?!

There was a dude who told me, he went there
at least 4 times, daily. 

First, that stuff costs more than a coffee at Tim's. 
I've tried some of it, doesn't do it for me.
It adds up.

Even a $2/every day for 30 days.
That's $60 just on coffee.
In a month. 

Not hard to see where your money goes
if you're keeping track of it.

Sometimes "that coffee" is nice.
But all the "things" that are "nice."
ADD UP.

How much could people save if they just...
Got some tea or whatever to have at home?

If they skip on the whim and put the money
that would have gone on a whim, away.

That's kind of something I've been seeing.

I'm saving up "pop tabs" for art type idea stuff. 

So, each time I had a "pop" I saved the tab in a cup.
For over a year now.

Just to see how many I've drank in that time span....
It's not really something someone thinks about. 

Like people who smoke, they don't think how much they
could save if they quit smoking. 

Cigarettes are over $18/pack now.
HOW CAN ANYONE AFFORD
TO SMOKE A F*CKING PACK A DAY?!

Imagine, like $20/day for 30 days...
That's $600/month. 
ON F*CKING CIGARETTES!!!!!!

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T AFFORD
$600/MONTH ON FOOD FFS.

What irks me about drug addicts
IS SPENDING AS MUCH MONEY
ON DRUGS AS THEY DO
WHEN THEY COULD BE
PUTTING THAT AWAY
OR TOWARDS SOMETHING ELSE.

And I want to be like that towards it, 
but knowing I spent money on alcohol
WHEN I DEFINITELY DIDN'T NEED IT,
I CAN'T SAY I NEVER WASTED MY OWN MONEY.

Sometimes I actually feel guilty getting something
that I wanted just because.

I'm not one of those girls who puts emphasis
on designer whatever...

I was in college and a girl in my class
was talking about how she spent $800 on a purse.
ON A PURSE FFS.

That was back in 2004ish...
That was like my rent, at the time.

Let's just say that I'm not that kind of girl. 

My birthday gift to myself is a bag I designed and made. 

I like having something not everyone can or will have.
Because you can't just go to a store
and buy one of mine. 

MINE ARE HANDMADE.
One of a kind. 

But I couldn't justify spending $800 on a purse!!!
Or some "brand label" whatever.

Sometimes, in my dreams, I'm an artist, 
making money off my art...

But could I justify selling something I made
at an artist price point?

$800 has always been quite a bit of money, to me.
But to live on for a month, it's challenging. 

Ever see that show called "Secret Millionaire"?
The millionaire CEO of the company
spends the duration of the show
undercover as just another worker
at the company
and they get to see what it's like
from the workers' perspectives ect.

And near the end of the show, they give money away.

And that's the part that gets me teared up.
BECAUSE I'M F*CKING HAPPY FOR THEM.
AND ALSO I KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO THEM. 

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MUCH IT SHOULD MEAN, 
AND MORE, Y'KNOW?

Anyway, I watched that show with my mother
and it's not like I can explain those feelings to her
because it's as though she doesn't get those feelings.

OR I WOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.
OR HOW I FELT, EVER.
SHE WOULD KNOW.

She was just kind of having those
jealous pangs because
"nobody's giving ME money."

WHEN THE SHOW ISN'T ABOUT THAT.
IT'S ABOUT RECOGNITION
FOR DEDICATION.

Partly, but it's also for the millionaire
to see HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES.


I've been in the other half...
There were times that I was doing better, financially.

And someone put it to me this way,
"just because you've struggled most of your life,
DOESN'T MEAN YOU MUST STRUGGLE
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."


I was told:
"If it had been different THEN, it'd be different NOW."

That applies in many ways:
Different doesn't always mean better.
But it doesn't always mean worse.

When I was in group homes and foster homes,
I didn't know if the next place
would be better or worse than the last place.

When I was trying to date,
I didn't know if the next relationship
would be better or worse than the last one.

ALL I KNEW IS IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT
THAN THE LAST PLACE, 
DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST ONE.

That's all I knew going into anything. 

Someone was saying that about this year...
We're coming into it not knowing
if it'll be better or worse than last year.

But, the only things that will be any different
ARE WHAT WE CHOOSE TO MAKE DIFFERENT.

We can all say the economy is sh*t, everyone's
becoming poor because of XYZ....

It's 1) Most people are taught that the only way
they can make money or be ahead is to have a typical career.

And how many people spent all kinds of money
and years and years into getting degrees, 

IF THEY KNEW OTHER WAYS OF MAKING MONEY, 
THEY PROBABLY WOULD. 

BUT THEY 'HAVE TO' JUST TAKE WHATEVER JOB
THEY CAN GET...

BECAUSE WE ARE TAUGHT THAT'S A GUARANTEED WAY.
OF EARNING MONEY.

It's a generational thing, too. 

Because at least two dudes I went to school with, 
their dads are cops. 

Anyway, IT'S HARD TO LOOK AT IT
IN ANY OTHER KIND OF WAY
THAN THE WAY YOU WERE TAUGHT TO LOOK AT IT.

I KNOW THIS, BECAUSE IT'S HARD FOR ME
STILL TRYING TO LOOK AT ASPECTS
OF MY OWN LIFE DIFFERENTLY.

FROM HOW I WAS TAUGHT TO LOOK AT THINGS.
FROM HOW PEOPLE AROUND ME'S BEEN LOOKING
AT THINGS AND WANTS ME TO
LOOK AT THINGS...

I know they want me to look at things the way they do. 
Because they want me to agree with them. 

THAT IS WHY I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT
ABOUT POLITICS.

Around people who are die-hard libs. 
Because when it comes to BELIEFS
THEY WANT ME TO BELIEVE 
WHAT THEY BELIEVE.

BECAUSE IF THEY WEREN'T 
OF THE BELIEF, 
THEY WOULD BE OF ANOTHER.

AND PEOPLE LIKE TO TRY TO
VALIDATE THEIR BELIEFS
TO OTHERS AND THEMSELVES, 
BY TRYING TO GET 'EVERYONE'
TO SEE THINGS ACCORDING TO WHAT THEY BELIEVE.

I get why they do that. To affirm their belief...

But guess what? Isn't the belief in the belief
enough to affirm it regardless
of whatever whoever believes?

If they agree or not?

Take a classic "cult" as an example.
They believe whatever the cult leader
"puts it in their heads to believe."

But the belief in the belief itself
IS ENOUGH TO SUSTAIN IT.

That kind of goes for politics, in a way.
Because some people think Ford is evil.
And certain corruption ect...

The beliefs, any, are enough to sustain themselves
WITHOUT HAVING TO TRY TO
JUSTIFY IT TO THEMSELVES
OR TO ANYONE ELSE.

Because if you are trying to convince someone, 
WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE, 
THEM OR YOU?

I gave up on trying to lead horses to water.
THEY KEPT SHOWING ME
THEY DIDN'T WANT THE WATER.
I WAS OFFERING
UNTIL I STOP OFFERING IT.

A THIRSTY HORSE WILL DRINK.


Cults always make me think of the Jonestown Massacre. 
AND SOME GURUS TRYING TO SAY
THEY WANTED TO HELP ME
"BE LIKE THEM"
WHEN I NEVER WANTED TO "BE LIKE THEM."

Because maybe they assumed that I haven't
actually progressed as far as I have.

AND HOW WOULD THEY EVEN KNOW
WHAT I ALREADY KNOW AND WHAT I DON'T?
DO I TALK ABOUT THE THINGS I KNOW?
DO I TALK ABOUT MY BELIEFS?
DO I EVEN OPEN UP ANYMORE?

SO HOW WOULD ANYONE KNOW?
ENOUGH TO JUST AUTOMATICALLY
PLACE THEMSELVES ABOVE ME
INTELLECTUALLY?

I'm not saying that I do that, think I'm smarter etc.
I'm saying that a lot of the time
most people tend to treat me like that.

I don't mind learning things. 
I'm aware of the fact that there are many things
I'm not yet aware of. 

Becoming aware of social politics is f*cked up.
That some people think the way they do. 

Being aware of how things get deep and f*cked up...
DUE TO BETRAYALS ETC,
PEOPLE BEING TOO IMMATURE
NOT TO JUST... NOT.

There's a book called The Anatomy Of Motive.
It was written by a guy who worked for the FBI.

It's a psychological look into motive.

But the way people think! To think like that!

And people who don't think like that
have to be aware that some people DO think like that.

Did it take me a while to change my thinking?
Yeah, the longer I was focused on stuff
THAT I'VE BEEN P*SSED OFF ABOUT
THE LESS TIME I HAD TO PUT ON OTHER THINGS.

BEING AND STAYING P*SSED OFF DOES WHAT?

And what was it that was actually p*ssing me off?
A BELIEF I HAVE ABOUT THE THING
THAT WAS P*SSING ME OFF. 

THE LONGER I HELD ONTO THE BELIEF
THE LONGER I WAS STAYING P*SSED OFF.

A few things to know about beliefs...

1) You don't have to believe what everyone wants you to
2) Beliefs are okay to have, but you don't have to live and die by them. 

AND OTHERS SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE AND DIE
BY BELIEFS.

What is the point in persecution where there isn't any?
Where there's a point, there's a point, 
but where there's none, there's none.

And sometimes when you fail to see a point in something,
it could be one of a couple of things.

It could be that there isn't a point.
Or it could just be a "you thing"

by that I mean something about YOUR perspective.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, 
FACTS ARE FACTS AND CAN GO BOTH WAYS WITH THAT.

EITHER DENY THEM, OR ACCEPT.

A perfect way of putting it was seeing those two
people in the parking lot. 

She was saying: "I said sorry! That's enough!"
She wanted him to just accept her "sorry"
and stop talking about it.

He was saying: "I wasn't asking for an apology, 
I'm asking you to UNDERSTAND."

It bugs me being DISMISSED
WHEN I HAVE A POINT TO MAKE
AND THEY KNOW I HAVE A POINT
THEY'D RATHER DISMISS ME
THAN ADMIT I HAVE A POINT.

That p*sses me off so much.

But HOW I AM TO EXPECT ADULTS
CAN ACTUALLY LOOK AT THINGS
FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S VIEW POINTS?

AND UNDERSTAND WHY
SOMEONE MIGHT BE UPSET
ABOUT XYZ.

In a perfect world, we could have a CONVERSATION
ABOUT IT, EVEN AFTER "SORRY."

BECAUSE WHAT'S HAVING A CONVERSATION
ABOUT IT?
ANY SWEAT OFF OUR BACKS?
TO TALK ABOUT IT?
TO SHOW WE ARE ACTUALLY
UNDERSTANDING.

Sure, as "understanding" as I am, 
doesn't mean I give a billion more f*cks 
than I should be giving, this year
and any other year henceforth. 

BECAUSE THERE IS BEING 'UNDERSTANDING'
AND THERE'S 'I'M NOT COOL WITH YOUR BS.'

AND TO THE TUNE OF 'TAKE YOUR BS TF AWAY FROM ME."

One thing many people are mistaken about me...
I CAN STILL CARE ABOUT YOU, 
WISH YOU ALL THE BEST ETC,
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BE IN YOUR LIFE.

IF YOU WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE, 
SHOW ME.

OTHERWISE, I AM OKAY.

NO GAMES. NOTHING.
WALK AWAY? KEEP GOING.
BECAUSE IF YOU TURN AROUND
AND COME LOOKING FOR ME
BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU RAN TO
WAS WORSE LOL
I WON'T BE THE SAME GIRL
WHO GAVE YOU THE FIRST CHANCE.

That's what kind of happened with a guy I used to talk with. 
We used to have some real, deep conversations. 
FELT SAFE TO OPEN UP, TO HIM. 
TO TELL HIM VERY PERSONAL THINGS.

AND HE WALKED AWAY FROM ME, TWICE.

THE FIRST TIME HE CAME BACK AROUND, 
HE ADMITTED HE MISSED OUR TALKS.

WOULDN'T SAY HE MISSED ME, OUR TALKS.

AND I REALIZED THAT I WAS THE ONE
WHO MISSED HIM. 

NOT JUST OUR TALKS. 

AND HE JUST EASILY WALKED AWAY
TWICE.

THEN WHAT WAS IT ABOUT OUR TALKS??!!

BECAUSE, TO ME, THE TALKS WERE NICE.
SINCE THAT'S ALL WE PROBABLY
EVER COULD HAVE HAD...

BUT IT WASN'T JUST THAT, TO ME.

REAL FEELINGS THERE.
REAL PERSON, HE DROPPED, TWICE.

AND AFTER THE FIRST F*CKING TIME...
I F*CKINNG GRIEVED HIM. 
THE LOSS OF HIM FROM MY LIFE.

WISHING THAT HE'D JUST F*CKING TALK TO ME.
WAS ALL WE WERE GOING TO HAVE, ANYWAY, 
BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS SOMEONE

HE COULD SEE HAVING ANYTHING WITH
OR MAYBE HE WOULDN'T HAVE BOUNCED?
TWICE?

And even though he did, again, if he did reach out, 
I would talk with him. 

WOULDN'T MAKE UP FOR THE TIME LOST,

But at the same time, I can't blame anyone for their assumptions.
LIKE ASSUMING I'D JUST BE A HUGE WASTE OF TIME.

OR WHATEVER THEY THINK OF ME.

But to me, I woke up HAPPY to the thought.
Going from that to just a ghost in someone's "life."

Gotta admit that hurt. Hurt enough the first time...
BUT THE SECOND TIME?

WHEN I THOUGHT THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN.
BECAUSE HE MISSED OUR TALKS, RIGHT?

AS MUCH AS I DID?
JUST TO GRIEVE HIM AGAIN.

LIKE IT WASN'T HARD ENOUGH
THE FIRST TIME.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES THAT HAS HAPPENED?
THEY MISS SOMETHING, NOT ME, 
SOMETHING. 

WHATEVER IT WAS. 

THEY TRY LOOKING FOR IT IN OTHERS.
CAN'T. FIND. IT.

And what should I even say if he did contact me?
Randomly, for my birthday, 

"Thanks for ditching me, ironheart."

But if he comes back IN, it would be the last time
BECAUSE GRIEVING PEOPLE
WHO ARE STILL ALIVE...

WHAT IF I F*CKING DID THAT TO HIM?
WHAT IF I DID ALL THE SH*T
PEOPLE DID TO ME, TO THEM?

Would they "understand"?
That quite possibly the guy stopped talking to me
because he let his pride get in the way?
Just a little?
Just a tad?

But thanks for the memories, ironheart.

If he even reads this, he probably knows it's about him. 

Only mentioned it because
1) It meant more, to me
2) they miss something, not me
3) my birthday's coming up (hint)

I'M NOT P*SSED AT HIM FOR DOING IT, AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN SAD BECAUSE I ACTUALLY MISS HIM.

SURE, THE TALKS...
BUT THE TALKS WERE WITH HIM.

MAYBE SLIGHTLY MIFFED
BECAUSE HOW ELSE WAS I GOING TO FEEL ABOUT THAT?
AGAIN?


but maybe, I'll just be happy about the memories?
The times I felt it was more than that, maybe.

But I was fooling myself to think that, eh?
It really makes me question myself, y'know?

It makes me question myself because it seems like
every little thing that means anything to me just...
Why? Because I wanted it to?

That's what I ask myself, now.

BECAUSE IT'S SO EASY TO JUST... TO ME.
WHY? TO ME?

I CAN SAY ONE THING, 
I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE TO HIM, WHAT HE DID TWICE.

And it wasn't because I KNEW THAT I WOULD MISS THOSE TALKS.
IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS HAVING THOSE TALKS
WITH HIM.

I used to go back and read our old conversations.
Part of me wants to do that.

The other part of me is still trying to grieve, again. 

I have to keep trying to tell myself that it was what it was
for as long as it was
and while it was, it was nice.

Just like I can miss someone, still care about them, 
still wish good things for them, 
but I don't need to be in anyone's life.

It was his choice to ditch me, again.
Didn't have a choice but to let him, right?
Regardless how it felt at the time, 
and still feels... Sometimes...

But... What I get to do, though, 
is just hope he's healthy and happy in his life.
And just wish good things for him.

My point was that if he were to want to come back, again, 
he would have to make that known. 

And I'd hope it'd be because he missed more
than our talks...

LIKE I HAD BEEN THE WHOLE TIME
HE JUST WOULDN'T TALK TO ME.

But what else were we supposed to have, right?

Not everyone you wish would have stayed, does.
NOT EVEN IF THEY MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU.
SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST A TALK.

That's as far as that goes. I'll leave that there.
It was about those 3 points.


Not throwing myself "I'm so sad xyz party"
Had to accept it the first time, right?
Had to accept a lot....

Gets easier to do, I guess.

What would be ridiculous though, 
is to think I WOULD DO IT TO HIM
TO SPITE HIM FOR DOING IT TO ME.

That would be ridiculous.

Many times I entertained the thought of
having another "talk" with him...

Thinking back to how it was...

Then thinking back to things I was having issues with. 
THAT ARE CLEARLY NOT HIS.
NEVER THOUGHT OR SAID THEY WERE.
WAS ALWAYS AWARE THEY'RE MINE.

Would be ridiculous to think I ever thought that.
Would be ridiculous to think I ever thought
a lot of things...

Both good and bad...

I think a lot of things I never say
or even know how to say...

But a lot of things I don't think
because I'm aware of things it'd be cool of
if they were aware of, too. 

But being aware of some stuff
OTHER PEOPLE HAVEN'T REALIZED YET,

IT KIND OF HAS THIS FEELING, 
LIKE YOU'RE JUST ADRIFT.

And let's put it this way...
I'd rather be ALONE THAN WITH
SOMEONE WHO'D DITCH ME.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WISH
SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TREATED YOU RIGHT,
THEY COULD HAVE, THE FIRST TIME.

THEY WOULD TREAT THE FIRST CHANCE
LIKE IT'S THE ONLY AND LAST.

AND WITH SOME PEOPLE, THEY DO.

BUT WHEN THEY CHOOSE TO LEAVE, THEY CAN.
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I GO THROUGH THAT, AGAIN?

FOR THEM TO MISS SOMETHING?
SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT ME?
BUT NOT MISS ME?

"I miss your feet" ffs.
That dude's engaged now supposedly. 
Happy for him. 

It's not about being engaged. 
It's about I wouldn't want a man
who only missed my feet.
Or our talks....

PROBABLY NOT AS MUCH AS I DO.
IT SEEMS.

It was like transactional or something.
A pair of feet, a conversation...

It wasn't about me.

Like I was trying to tell mirror smasher
about his interjecting insecure "baby mamma"
IF IT WAS ABOUT HIM
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON HIM.

BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY WANTED
TO BE WITH YOU
THE WHOLE DAMN TIME

WOULD HAVE WHAT? BEEN FAITHFUL?
BECAUSE WHY? IT WAS ABOUT YOU.
THAT IS WHAT I JUST WANTED
HIM TO UNDERSTAND,

BUT YOU CAN'T FORCE ANYONE
TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

But we seem to live in the day and age
where we're supposed to accept "sorry" and never talk about it?
Because talking about it feels like an "attack."
And it'd only feel that way if it's not understood
WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT.
WHAT? UNDERSTANDING.

which can't happen when certain things...

It's just that TO realize some things, 
we have to realize OTHER things first.

And until we do, it's like that secondary or whatever
realization is out of reach to be realized. 

Kind of like a puzzle, with some pieces only connecting
to some pieces.
And you have to find that one piece that it connects to.
Because if you don't find that piece it connects to, 
it can't connect.

That's how I realized that realizations go.
Realizations support each other. 

That's why it never pays to think you know everything. 
Because we're all one realization away from another and another.

7 degrees of separation. 

And what's a realization? A thought you never thought before.
Kind of hard to realize things while busy ruminating, 
says the one who kept ruminating 
to her own detriment, 
BUT DID I LEARN FROM THAT?
I'D LIKE TO THINK I DID.

AND IF IRONHEART HAS A HEART, 
MAYBE WE BOTH COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO
ABOUT FORGIVENESS.

I FORGAVE HIM THE FIRST TIME,
WHY WOULDN'T I THE SECOND TIME?

BUT THE THIRD TIME... THAT'S PUSHING IT.

And I didn't do that to him, even once.
But, yes, my head wasn't in the right place. 

At the same time, it'd be nice
to be thought of for more than xyz.

Learning & Testing

I've been learning some stuff.
I learned how to build a basic Chrome extension. 
Just to test it to see if it works.
All it is... It has a button
and when I click it, 
a message appears letting me know it works.

So it is working and I'm going to switch out the files
of the one I just tested to test something else.

I was told about a cool coding AI.
Called Bolt and it can write code!

Chatgpt can, too, but not as well
because it was more so made for text.

But yeah, I'm pretty impressed with it.
I actually got on here just to write about it.

There's a knitting meeting today, 
in the afternoon. 

I'm almost done 2 blankets.
A smaller one I made the squares for it, 
and just have to sew the ends in. 

Then the other squares that came with the 70s squares.
Those are joined, but ends to sew in, too. 

And then, I've got loads more beige...

I'm really excited about learning this stuff. 
Because there are so many possibilities with it.

That's what I like about it and these tools
make it easier, and faster. 

It's kind of exciting. Yeah, a dorky thing to say lol. 
but if that makes me a "nerd" then.. Whatever.

It's something I enjoy doing. 

When I started learning code stuff 10 years ago, 
we didn't have any of this cool tech stuff. 

It's really interesting, to me.

Also, I'm adding to my repertoire of PDFs lol. 
I've got 5 now.

And I've been testing this stuff, to see if it actually loads.
To see if the message is generated when the button is clicked.
Which it does. 

The only way to f*ck it up is to enter the code wrong, 
save the files as the wrong file name and type, 
not putting them all in the same folder.

That's the only way it wouldn't work, 
because I tested it.

I put it step by step and added screenshots.

But yeah, the way to get $$$$ is to make a cool tool
that people would want to use - like Bolt
and have it on a token system
so that if people want more tokens, 
they can subscribe to use the tool. 

A lot of the tools have affiliate programs.
I know that Coolors has an affiliate program. 

Anyway, it's just been stuff I've been looking at.
Website stuff is fun and all, but apps could be fun, too. 
It is just that they require javascript and I'm not well "versed" in it.
I can kinda see what's going on, reading it, 
but I never learned it.

I thought about maybe picking it up this year.

I can see how it can be useful. 
And can have many uses.

Other than that, I've been starting with a few 
light exercises. 

I'm just curious what results over time... I dunno.
I've usually worked on my arms and legs.

I heard that a female's boobs get smaller
if she's into that body-building stuff. 

I'm not going hard at it to compete or anything. 
Just some tone and definition or something like that.

I don't want to overdo it lol. 
I'm 'intimidating' enough as it is lol. 

But yeah, I have a bunch of different angles
that I want to look at things, test things, 
never know what kind of ideas can go somewhere.

It's one thing to have an idea, 
but it's another thing to know where to take it.
Or how to do it, or at least how to test it.

That's why I'm exploring that.
Besides finding it interesting...

I'm going to pull an all-nighter tonight.
Because I don't want to miss the knitting meeting, 

And I always seem to get a "second wind" at night.
And when I make a little bit of progress, 
I kinda feel like making even more.
Instead of going to bed...

Yes, I'm freaking tired, and need sleep, 
even a couple of hours... Hmmm...

Just I wake up from not having had enough sleep...
All I want is more sleep.

Anyway, I wanted to make an alarm clock extension. 
I had it mostly ready, but it wasn't uploading properly. 

I probably have to have the sounds hosted online
to make it work properly.

I should probably rest for a bit.
Even if I don't actually sleep.

Happy New Year 2025

It's officially 2025...

So far, it's a peaceful day.
Still technically night, though.
Since it's the wee hours of the morning...

The pigeons are starting to stay over night.
Because when I got home, they were here.

Been wondering when they are going to lay eggs, 
because they built a nest a couple of months ago.

When it stops raining, I'm going to clean it up out there.
And I want to clean it up, in here, 
which is going to be the plan for the day, 
starting after I get home from that thing I have to do.

Every year on the first day of the year, 
I do a traditional thing. For good luck. 
Well, not just for that, but it helps lol. 

After that, I have enough here not to need to go anywhere
and continue what I started the other night.

That one pigeon's making its pigeon noises. 
When I coo at them, they listen.


What did I do for New Year's Eve?
I went to my folks' place for dinner
and we watched a movie and Criminal Minds.
We also watched a mini-series, or whatever it was,
called In Cold Water.

It's about a guy who was charged in his wife's drowning.
Some think he didn't have anything to do with her death
and some people think he was totally guilty. 

Anyway, he was released from jail.
And he ended up with a lot of money.

From her pension and policies.
Which was said to be the motive.

It happened in Shelter Bay.
By Revelstoke. BC.

Then I came home, had some snacks, 
drank a Tiger malt, and just chilling here.

Earlier,  we watched Family Feud Canada, 
and it was between a family from Nova Scotia
and a family from Quebec.

The Question was:
What is best when it's plimp?

One of the guys said that be didn't know what plump means.
And that he'd go with PUDDING.

He was thinking of plumb pudding, 
but he thought plumpudding. 

He said the P at the end of plump
was the P in pudding lol. 

HE SAID THE P IS IN THE PUDDING.

I sh*t you not, that was the guy's answer.
The pee is in the pudding!!!! lol. 

That has to be one of the funniest things
I've heard in a while, next to sofa stain.

I laughed so hard I cried.
A fail at a fart competition.


It was a weird episode and I didn't know
that we have a Canadian version of the show. 

Always only seen the American version. 

Also, there was an Amazing Race Canada I watched. 
It was as you'd expect Amazing Race style show
but it was a race across Canada.
Every province had a challenge unique to the province.

Like in Nova Scotia, they had a Scotish twist 
on the challege where they had to convert
Scotish money to Canadian money.

And they use Shillings etc lol. 
It's math my brain would have to grasp for a bit.

But another part of the challenge, they had to fold a kilt
and pin it correctly etc, 
and find the matching tartan. 

I was told my family has a tartan, actually. 
I've never seen it. 

My Grandmother's father was from Scotland. 
My Grandmother used to have gaelic sayings
from when she was a kid.

I wish I could remember them. 
But her father's 's name , family name
means Church in Gaelic. 

My father's mother had a Finish last name. 
I can't remember what it was. 

Maybe her obit is still online.
That's how I found out she died. I came across it.
Same for my Uncle.
My father's brother. 
My father's brother gave me my father's guitar.

He met with me a bunch of times.
After my father died. 

He was the only one who'd talk to me.

His parents literally told me not to call them. 
And my father's sister, one of them, 
I had a few conversations with her. 

None of them kept in touch or anything, 
but at least they mentioned me in the obits, eh?

Along with the cousins I never met lol. 


Anyway, pretty sure Google maps had my father's father
mowing his yard lol. 

I lost the address I had, was supposedly his parents' address
since he had been living with them.

The story went that his parents left town and he stayed behind. 
And when they came back, he was gone.

Easter Sunday. Something like that.
In one of the letters he wrote to me I think he mentions
the Easter Bunny.

I have a picture of my Grandfather dressed in a rabbit suit. 
He'd dress up and do stuff at the retirement home. 
I often went with them, to help out.

To pass cake out and do little stuff like that.
Used to be able to go volunteer there etc
and I went to do that with my Grandparents.

At the retirement home my grandfather's father was in. 
And my grandmother was in, before her stroke. 

Last time I was at that place, you might laugh at this...
I randomly met some guy by the bank or whatever, 
AND IT F*CKING POURED THAT DAY.
WE WERE CAUGHT IN THE RAIN TOGETHER, 
TALKING. 

WHILE HE DRANK BEHIND A STORE LOL. 

And he said he was going to meet up with his friends
and asked me if I'd join them so I did.

And that's where we hung out, at the retirement home.
In a tenants room lol, they were drinking, 
but we smoked a joint lol, 
at the retirement home lol. 

That was the last time I was there.

But back when I was a kid, they had this thing
called bumper pool. 

It had posts in the middle and the idea was to use them
as bumpers to try to get the balls in the holes
like in regular pool. 

I'll always remember that. I always thought that was cool. 
And I have a memory of "clackers"


They had these two plastic balls that swung on a "stick" made of plastic.
The idea was that when you have it in your hand, 
and you make the back and forth motion
as you'd do if you were using a hammer, 

the balls would "clack" together.

This was in the early 90s, pretty sure.
When neon was all the rage.

I have to admit, I still have a thing for neon blue. 
I used to have neon blue stockings that I loved. 

But yeah, neon was a pretty big thing. 
I saw that they were trying to bring it back, 
but I don't think that lasted long. 

Anyway, pretty sure that's where I was
the first time I saw a "clacker."

The retirement home used to have an Easter egg hunt thing
for the kids to come and look for eggs and treats
around the retirement home.

The old people liked watching the kids hunt for the treats.
It was fun for all. 

That's back when I was a kid, 
and my memories of the place.

When my grandmother livd there, 
I'd go see her with my son and she loved a show
called Man Tracker.

That show is pretty cool. 
They have a guy who's a pro person tracker
and the show is the person competing against him
and trying not to get caught by the guy, 
trying to make it to the finish line. 
Without getting caught, 
being tracked the whole way there.

The thing is the dude usually is on a horse.
THE HORSE CAN HEAR BETTER THAN WE CAN.

PRETTY SURE THE GUY WATCHES
THE HORSE'S REACTIONS.


Anyway, if they make it to the finish line
without getting caught, they win prize money.

I was saying to my mom that I can't believe
that someone we know is 75 now.

My mom turns to me and says
"I can't believe you're 40."
I said "I know. I can't believe it, either."

I don't feel 40. I was thinking yesterday, 
that this year it'll be 20 years since I graduated college lol. 

That's crazy, eh?
Graduated in 2005.
Started this blog in 2004.

As I was saying, though, the guy probably
relies on the horse to pin point the direction the "sounds" 
the person trying not to get caught is making, 
but trying not to make
as not to get caught.

My stepfather found a place that buys "lots"
from Amazon that were all returns or whatever
and they sell the stuff to make their money back +

How it works, is that they have $8.99 days
and the price keeps dropping for it, 
because it'll go down even to $2.99.

My stepfather got these multi spectrum grow lights.
He's always showing me stuff he picked up from there. 
All he's been growing are house plants right now.

He was saying their cactus already flowered this winter.
My plant, did, too. 

When I was working with my ex, 
there was a person throwing a plant away, 
so instead of just throwing it in the garbage, 
because the plant was still alive (still is)
I took it and put it in the office. 

But it wasn't getting any sun there so they said
I should take it home, so I did. 

And that was 9 years ago, I think.
Now the plant is 4 to 5 times bigger than it was.

It gets the morning sun in the window
where it is. I have to prop it up.

My mom taught me a trick to help plants grow.
Plants grow facing the sun. 
If you turn the pot around, it gets the plant
to grow towards the other direction
where the sun is.

Because when you turn the plant's pot around, 
so it's not facing the sun, it has to grow
towards the sun. 

If you keep doing that, turning the pot
so the plant has to change direction
of where it's facing, it grows.

As it is, I have to prop the plant up.
I found some wooden heart on a stick
and I put it in there, for the plant
to have something to prop it up on. 

And I bought little carvings of animals
from a vendor at a craft show.
Made of stone.
They are pretty small. 
The lady says she puts hers in her plants.
So I gave them to my plant. 

I gave one to a guy I met
who panhandles near the mall. 
I stopped and had some watermelon with him and we talked. 

That was the day I found that little girl
who ran away from her day care lol. 

I took her to college
because my first thought was to get her
to a security guard and go from there.

She was reunited with her dad and all ended well. 
Cute kid. 

I raced her down the hallway to the security office lol. 
I let her win. 

We were able to get info from her. 
And her dad had called in to report her missing. 
The cops were called to the college
and one cop took a picture of her
sent the pic to the cops at the station
so her dad could confirm that's her.

Yeah.. When I saw her by herself, I was like...
Wait a minute! Let's have a little chat.
Are you lost? Where's your parents?

She was 5 years old. I'm not just going to let
some 5 year old be out there by herself like that.


Another time I saw another girl around the same age,
and she was out seemingly by herself
because her brother as out there too
but letting his sister play by heself. 



So I sat with the kids, talked to them about safety
and asked them if they know their parents'
phone numbers.

That's something a kid should know.

When I was a kid, my mom used to write our #
on my arm so I could read it off my arm. 
In ink. Yes, in INK.

But that's how I learned our #.
And I didn't need her to write it for me, 
I remembered it. 

So when I got somewhere, call her. 
When I was leaving somewhere, call her. 

If there was any emergency, call her.
If I needed to ask her something, call her.

But knowing your "home" # is important
for a kid to know. 
So if anything happens, 
they can call their parents right away. 

The boy, her brother said something like
"The world's not dangerous."
Just a kid. 

I didn't tell him any crazy wild stories or reasons
WHY HE SHOULDN'T LET HIS SISTER
PLAY BY HERSELF. 

BUT I TOLD THE KID
NOT TO LET HIS SISTER PLAY BY HERSELF. 

And hopefully, when they get older, 
they'll think back to that talk, 
and teach their kids their #

AND KNOW WHY THAT'S IMPORTANT
FOR KIDS TO KNOW.


Anyway, I was a kid before O-Town got an area code. 
Before, we'd just have to dial the number, only. 
Just a 7 digit number, before it became 10. 

duh duh duh - duh duh - duh duh.

Mine was 526 48 45
Been like decades since it was that, 
but that's what it was.

My Grandparents' was 235 54 81.
I've dialed it countless times.

I used to just call my Grandmother just to talk. 

And I wrote telephone numbers on a paper
and put it up on the wall
so that when or if my son wanted to call my mom
or my grandmother, he could see the number there
and use it to call. 

And he did, he called on his own
and knew where the numbers were that I put up for him. 

Back when kids used to play outside and stuff. 
Some of them do. 

Just a lot of kids want to be in front of a screen 
these days. 

But doing stuff outside... You're only a kid once. 
Climbing trees, catching frogs, 
all kinds of stuff...

I was in a tree when I learned to do "the voice."
My neighbor and I were climbing trees
and he did a "voice."

And I was like: "Teach me how to do that!"
So what he said was to tighen your vocal cords
like you're going to couch and then talk.

I've scared people with "the voice"
because it kind of sounds demonic lol.

And people aren't used to it, at all.

I like doing a deep laugh in "the voice."

Anyway, when my brother was around the age
as I was when I learned how to do it, 
my brother wanted me to teach him
how to do it. 

So I taught him the way I was taught lol. 

His voice gets deep when he does it.
You know how Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget sounds?
Well, that's as low as my brother sounds
when he does "the voice."

He used "the voice" to train his dog. 
To get his dog to listen and take him seriously. 
It worked. 

His dog is part pitbull. 
Very happy and well behaved. 

And pitbulls are supposed to be dangerously aggresive dogs...
It's not the breed. They have instincts like other dogs do. 
BUT if you train a dog in the right way, 
and the dog learns to listen, 
the dog isn't going to just doing whatever.

Trained dogs are dogs that behave themselves.

I had heard someone compare a person's mind to a puppy. 
Because if a personn isn't actively training their mind, 
and themselves,  their minds will wander
and acted like an untamed, untrained puppy.

Just as puppies need training, so does the mind.

I started doing more meditation stuff, lately. 
I've got a method that works for me.
It's not hurting anyone, 
and I'm aiming to strengthen some abilities I have, 
by practicing with them. 

I'm using an ability that I have to strengthen it, 
and to experiment with, so to speak. 

That's pretty much all I can say about that.
So far, it's been working for me. 

As for mind training, 
it is ONE THOUGHT AT A TIME.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.
THOUGHT BY THOUGHT.

It's a thing where you think
about your thinking...

You start to catch yourself
when you say:
Why am I thinking about this?

My mind still wanders all over
like a dog sniffing around. 

NEURONS THAT WIRE TOGETHER, 
FIRE TOGETHER.

And you can "prune" pathways you already made.
BY REPETITIVE THOUGHT PATTERNS
THAT WORE SURE A DEEP GROOVE
BY BEING PRACTICED
TO THE POINT IT SHAPED YOUR MIND
AND HOW IT WORKS.

You can make new pathways with new thought patterns
by practicing them. 


I was watching some videos about NLP.
Neuro linguistic progamming. 

Using language and patterns
to reprogram the brain. 

Or the mind. 

The brain is the organ itself, 
the mind is the part that thinks ect.

Once a pathway that's already been connected for years
is pruned, it can grow another way.

We can also use the plant trick I wrote about.
How you change the direction of the pot.

As a metaphor.

We can say the pot represents the mind, 
the plant represents the thoughts.
How about the sun the thoughts are growing towards?
What does that present?

Follow your own sun. 

It's the physics and science behind how that works with plants.
It's psychology how it works with the mind. 

Sometimes I can do the metaphor thing better.
But pretty much anything can be a metaphor
if you look at it as one.

And if you look hard enough, 
you can find one, 
and if you look even harder, 
you can find more than one. 

The metaphor within a metaphor. 
Depending how hard you look
and how deep you can go.

Can even go deeper than that, 
the metaphor within a metaphor within a metaphor.

Like those (dutch?) dolls that are nested inside.
But with metahors.

Someone was talking to me, trying to describe the universe to me.
And he had a shape he gave me.
And for whatever reason I said:
"More like a dodecahedron."

I don't even know why or how it came into my mind
like the universe wanting to describe itself
through my thought, at the time, 
it was really weird.

I don't even know wtf a dohecahedron is.
Or why I thought of it, but there you have it.

The universe might be a dohecahedron.
Or a dohecahedron inside a dohecahedron etc.

Pretty deep, eh? Something to think about. I guess you can tell I'm high lol. 

But really, the metaphors are there, always there.

And sometimes metaphors can help you see things differently.
On a deeper level with a deeper meaning.

Sometimes I wish I could talk about this stuff, 
but I've learned, in my life,
It seems that I can only talk about surface level things
with surface level people.

Certain people won't even entertain these kinds of thoughts
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO CAUGHT UP WITH
SURFACE LEVEL BS.

LIKE DRAMA, GAMES, F*CKERY.
TW@TERY. 

They are so caught up in THAT TO THINK.
FOR THEMSELVES, OUTSIDE OF THAT.



WHICH IS WHAT I WISH THEY COULD SEE
SO THAT THEY COULD JUST NOT BE ABOUT IT.

But it's not just society, it's "cultures" and "sub cultures" within society.
Because they have specific values etc.
And a lot of views that are attached to some things I've seen, 

It was based on superficial surface level "constructions."
AND THAT'S ALL THERE WAS.

AND THAT'S NOT ALL THERE IS, 
BUT THAT'S WHAT MOST PEOPLE THINK.
THAT WHAT THEY BELIEVE
AS PART OF THEIR CULTURE / SUBCULTURE

IS THAT'S ALL THERE IS.

That is just the surface.

SURFACE TENSION. 

Here's another metaphor...
When I used to go swimming, 
it's a common thing to do a "belly flop"
you land hard on the surface of the water on your stomach in that case.
And it can actually hurt
if you hit the water flat at a speed.

But it's about breaking the surface tention, 
to be able to go into the water, below the surface.


And I did say that water is a conductor. 
And I did mention so is the moisture in the air. 

I think that has something to do with lightning, 
because when it's raining, more water = more conductivity.

Maybe that is what was being tested when electricity was discovered?
It was possibly merely a conductivity test.

Sometimes I test conductivity.
With reiki type energy stuff, 
to try to conduct it through my body, 
and through the air. 

To me, electricity is always in the air. 
And air is a conductor like water, 
because of vapor in the air.

and we are conductors, also because of the water in us.

Brains have electromagneticism. 
So do hearts. They have "fields"
Like a "force field."
But the "force" is electromagnetic. 
Not just energetic. 

Anyway, before I get too carried away about this stuff, I should probably
try to get some rest.I have stuff I want to get done tomorrow.

Tomorrow as in today, after I wake up.

Still Raining

The pigeons are chilling, out of the rain. They are probably cold. 
Not optimum weather for flying anywhere.

Doesn't seem to be freezing, the rain. 
Seems to be washing away the snow.

I feel like we'll get a few big blasts
before winter's over, finally.

This kind of weather just makes me feel tired. 
I couldn't stand it if it rained like crazy
all the time.

I'd want to just be indoors all the time.
Not that I go out very often these days. 

If I need "supplies" I go out.
If I have an appointment or errands, yeah, 
but otherwise I stay in. 

I saw a meme thing last night. 
It said "I can't decide what to wear
to my living room on NYE, 
I might not even go."

I thought about going out, somewhere, 
but I dunno. Where would I go?

There's a tavern that I've been to for NYE.
At least a few times. 

It's separated into two parts.
Because back when it was built, 
there was some social rule
where the men were separate 
from the women.
So one half was for men only lol. 

Maybe I should get a head start on cleaning, today, 
and some tomorrow. It's not really "dirty"
just cluttered. 

I had been keeping it and things clean
for a while, before I got into another bout. 

Then I got the bedbugs again. FFS.
Had to go through that mess, AGAIN.

So I need to organize AGAIN.
Next year, I need to downsize.
Then it won't take as long to organize.

I feel like getting some non-alcoholic wine or something. 
Just have a relaxing night...
After a huge clean up. 
I started yesterday, at least made a bit of a dent in it.
Long way to go, yet, 

At least I started doing it, right?

And breaks, here and there, help.

*Clean* 
*Watch an episode of Hoarders*
*Clean some more*
*Watch another episode of Hoarders*

And a trip to the store afterward to get a Tiger malt. 
And a frozen pizza, and cheese.
They don't put enough cheese on those.
Stingy b@st@rds!

There's a frozen pizza that is a butter chicken pizza.
It's pretty darn good if I do say so myself. 

Not looking forward to going out in the rain. 
It's not pouring, but it is raining.


I'll take a break, clean a bit more, then go out.
Funny how I'm procrastinating going out
and using cleaning as an excuse to stay in
after procrastinating the cleaning lol. 

---------

I'm back from the store.
I got some food for the week.

Also I got a couple of things for myself
as a birthday present.

And of course, a Tiger malt.

I did get a bottle of de-alcoholized wine, 
but they only had red left and only 4 bottles.

There's non alcoholic beer there, too, 
but I had to carry everything back home, 
and I was only there to get a few things.

I got more than what I set out to get, 
so I have to be mindful next time.

I asked chatgpt how much $ I'd have to save
to have saved $1K /year.

Chatgpt said I would have to save $83.33/month.

At that rate, I could pay half my debt in 10 years, 
but due to interests rates, it'd probably be more. 

Who knows what kind of opportunities can arise?

But at least I don't have to buy food for a while. 
I'll have to wait for my bills to go through
to see where I stand after that, 

but I think I'll be good for next year, 
because I have money coming to me, 
waiting for me. Owed to me.

Glad to be back, though.
I dislike shopping. Quite a bit.

If I didn't have to buy and consume food, 
I probably would go out even less. 

And how much did I even save on the deals?
I get discount and value brand stuff. 

Not because I'm cheap, but because
FOOD IS F*CKING EXPENSIVE.

Like I said, sometimes I wish that
I didn't have to eat.

All that money spent on food, 
could be in my savings account. 

I'd like to do this thing, 
where I tally up the costs
of things I wanted to buy
and how much I saved 
BY NOT BUYING THINGS I DON'T NEED.

Less "nice to have" stuff. 
Because although it'd be "nice to have,"
IF I DON'T NEED IT, 
I DON'T HAVE TO BUY IT.

AND I WANT TO MAKE A DENT
IN MY DEBTS. 

And come out on top in the next 5 years.
Never know, could happen sooner than that.

That'd be nice, eh?
If wishes were fishes...

I'm just happy that it's not icy af out there.
The sidewalks are clear, 
snowbanks melted away, 
just really damp because of the rain. 
A damp cold. But at least it's not
snowing and blowing out there. 

Never know for next year, though.
I've got some ideas to put into action. 

Just need the "drive" back. 
The ambition is there, but not the "drive."
Because I've been tired all the time. 

I'm going to see my mother tomorrow.

I woke up today, not sure what day it was.
Ever wake up thinking it's one day, but it's not?

Waking up in a rush thinking you have something to do, 
but it's actually the day after that?
Because you're not fully awake, yet...

And then when you realize, you feel kinda relieved.

At least having some food in the house is a relief. 
And I won't have to go do that for a while. 
Thankfully. 

I did look at the wool, but didn't get any. 
I have to contain my "stash" as it is, already. 
I was packing it up to move it, soon, 
and I realized I have a bit of an addiction, I think. 

Made me think about warning people, 
before they come over
(not that I have many over)
that they might see "some stuff" around, 
but that it's not what they think.

When people think of addictions, 
they think of drugs and alcohol, 
but this is... Something else.

The more I use it up, the smaller my "stash" will get, 
and then I won't feel like it's a huge deal to even have
a "stash."

Plus, the bigger the projects, the more wool I can use up.

What's great is that I just bring it to the group
and it just "goes away" LOL.
I don't have to "deal with it" after that.

So it's a win-win. 
Someone gets a hat or whatever and
I get to "bust my stash."

I could have done without some of the things I bought.
I was only planning on getting a few items, 
but may as well take advantage of the "tax break."
If it even covers anything I bought, which I doubt. 

They are still trying to sell discounted Christmas stuff, 
like candy canes etc.
Christmas lights, too. 

I was hoping there'd be some eggnog left, 
but there wasn't any. 

I think that after my next bout of cleaning, tonight, 
I should go to bed early. 

Because I am wiped. 
And the weather isn't helping. 

I think a lot of animals just sleep
when the weather is gross like this. 

Also, not sure birds fly a lot when their feathers are wet. 

I once rescued a dragonfly from drowning, 
it seemed like it couldn't fly with its wings wet.

Once its wings were dry, though, it flew away.
We just kinda looked at each other while
its wings were drying. 

What goes through a dragonfly's mind?
Probably "survival" stuff. 

Not sure what else they think about, if anything. 
They might wonder about us, too. 

And how much bigger we are than they are. 


But, yeah, not sure if they can fly with wet wings, birds.

I saw a heron dive on a fish, it caught it. 
Not often you get to see that.

Saw a seagul eat a fish it caught, too. 
It gulped it down. 

Sometimes I get blueberries to fire at the seaguls. 
They seem to like them and fight over them. 

And once, a couple of geese came up to me
for some blueberries, with their baby. 

The baby was scared because it was probably its first
interaction with a human. It was shaking. 

I think the baby was too young to eat berries though. 
They graze on grass, though.
I think that's why the grass near the water filtration plant
looks like it's been mowed all the time...

The "city" does mow public property. 
Every year, at the end of the summer, 
around the time that school starts, 
I get pretty bad allergies. 

I wore "shades" to class, a couple of times, 
because my eyes were pretty swollen. 

A proffessor asked me to take them off, 
I did, and she saw why I was wearing them lol. 

Don't rub your eyes if you get itchy eyes, 
it just makes the swelling worse. 

There were a few times I could barely see, 
let alone open my eyes. It got that bad.

But, I'd take that over cystic acne. 
Wouldn't you?

I've gotta hit the library again, 
just to bring the books back. 

I didn't finish reading them, 
but I want to concentrate on other stuff. 

The library has game nights.
So I could go and do that.

I'd like to set myself up with little things
to look forward to. 

Other than the knitting group. 

It's just that if I have a "schedule"
that makes me "predictable"
and if those females are still trying to "stalk" me, 
they'd know where to find me, y'know?
Not that I'm afraid of them, just don't care to be tailed. 

I dgaf if they are p*ssed at me for not playing their "games."
They can go f*ck themselves. 

Bad enough they were spying on me online. 
Reading my messages on the FB messenger
from logging into the person's account
who I was talking to, 
because they had to know
HOW THEY COULD TRY TO GET IN BETWEEN US.
OR TRY TO TURN US AGAINST EACH OTHER.
A BUNCH OF BS LIKE THAT.

See why I dgaf anymore?

One time, I was on my way to go see someone, 
and a drunken female was yelling at me, 
as I crossed the parking lot...

I didn't know who she was
or why she was even yelling at me...

THE ONLY WAY SHE'D EVEN KNOW
WHO I AM, IS IF SHE WAS SPYING ON ME.

BECAUSE HOW WOULD SHE HAVE KNOWN
WHO I WAS ON MY WAY TO GO SEE?

IF SHE HADN'T KNOWN I HAD MADE PLANS WITH HIM?

But no, don't f*cking believe me when I tell you
all this BS happened, because I'm "crazy" right?

And countries were buying covid test kits
2 years before the "pandemic."
BUT I AM CRAZY, EH?

The people that other people REFUSE TO BELIEVE, 
SEEM TO KNOW SOME THINGS...

It shouldn't even "bother" me anymore.
Not being "believed."
Should I really gaf if they don't?

Like when I told my folks that it can rain frogs...
Told them to Google it. Since they didn't believe me.


Tired of not being believed, but it shouldn't "bother" me.
WHY SHOULD I GO TO GREAT LENGTHS
TO EVEN TRY TO TELL ANYONE?

Anyway, with the frogs... The frog eggs kind of evaporate
into the sky and kind of stay up there, somehow, 
until they get dropped back down, with the rain. 

Like how water evaporated into the sky, 
and then it rains...

But being treated and look at as though
I don't know wtf I'm talking about, it gets kinda old. 

Just makes me wanna just let everyone think
WHATEVER THEY ALREADY THINK. 
AND THEY CAN ASSUME WHATEVER. 

I can keep things to myself. Mostly, I do. 
BECAUSE WHO'S GOING TO LISTEN?
PEOPLE WHO NEVER BELIEVE
ANYTHING I SAY?

BECAUSE EITHER I'M SAYING IT
BECAUSE I HAVE AN "AGENDA"
OR I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
Supposedly. 

Assuming my intellect...
All because they don't want to acknowledge
anything about me?

Would you bother if people treated you like that?
Or would you just keep everything close to your chest?

DO I EVEN HAVE TO SHARE ANY INFO
WITH ANYONE? NO.

Just wish they'd ask and not assume things. 

Reminds me of that movie
where the lady was asking the girl if it was true
what people were saying.
About her being "ret@rded."

I avoid using that word, in general, 
but I used it because that's the word they used
in the movie. 

And the girl said:
"If it's a bad thing to be, why do you want to know?"

It's just that it's easy to assume and say whatever.
EVEN IF IT'S NOT TRUE.

At least she asked and not assumed?
Like everyone else was?

Easy to assume anything and everything. 

And today, while I was cleaning, 
I was speculating on something, 
and I thought to myself:
Who am I to speculate on that?

ARE MY THOUGHTS EVEN TRUE?
OR DO I LIE TO MYSELF?

Just like some people refuse to even look at things.
Their assumptions, why they assumed what they assumed, 
or thought what they though...

HOW CAN YOU QUESTION SOMETHING
WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT?

And yes, being biased is a thing, too.
HOW OFTEN DO OUR BIASES
AFFECT HOW WE THINK? FEEL?
OR LOOK AT THINGS?

Ever think about that?
I think it spells the difference
between looking at something objectively
or subjectively. 

That card I pulled a couple of weeks ago:
Part of it said: How else can one dispel illusions
except by looking at them directly, 
without protecting them?

So many falsehoods that it'd make you
QUESTION EVERYTHING.

Crazy how things can change when you look
at the illusions and see them for what they are?

But it makes me think that you can't see
the scope of a storm when you're in it.

Kind of like how we can't see how we're sabotaging ourselves
WHILE WE ARE DOING IT.

Makes me think of how I didn't see how alcohol was affecting me
UNTIL I GOT SOBER.

BUT WAS I REFUSING TO SEE IT? Yes.

The illusions that it was "helping me cope."
IT WASN'T. It was an "excuse" for drinking. 
AND AN EXCUSE NOT TO THINK
ABOUT DRINKING AND HOW IT WAS AFFECTING ME.

But it wasn't just affecting ME.
It affected my life and the people
who were in my life, who got fed up with my BS.

Back then, in my 20's, I couldn't see
WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO CHANGE...
OR MAKE CHANGES...
OR GROW TF UP.

Even though, the one thing I wanted
WAS SOMETHING I REALLY WANTED, 
TRUTHFULLY, I WASN'T READY FOR IT.

And I also met people who weren't ready for it.
Neither of us were ready for it.

Am I ready, now? Closer?
I'd like to think I'm closer. 
Probably not all the way there, yet. 

Things to focus on. OTHER THAN ANY OF THAT.
BESIDES, what am I willing to subject myself to?
AND WHAT AM I NOT? 
NOT ANYMORE.

I TOLERATED ENOUGH.
THAT I NEVER HAD TO OR SHOULD HAVE HAD TO.

Just because you love and care for someone
DOESN'T MEAN YOU NEED TO TOLERATE
THEIR BS.

SHOULD I EXPECT EVEYONE TO TOLERATE MINE?
NO. I SHOULDN'T

SO WHY SHOULD THEY EXPECT ME TO?
SHOULD THEY? OR NO?


Anyway, I've been getting a lot of French ads on YouTube. 
I don't know why, but my guess is because
the algorythm knows I'm from Canada.

Ne pas toute les Canadiens sont Francaphones.
If I was from France, on the otherhand, 
that'd make sense. 
OR IF I WATCHED FRENCH CONTENT.
WHICH I DON'T.

Nothing against French content, 
Juste que je ne parlez pas Francais come une Francaphone. 
Barely write in French let alone speak it.

But I can translate it if it's written. 
When I hear it, I can pick up on about 70% of it.

It's just that the way they say things in French
is different from the way we say things in English. 

It's not a direct translation. 
BECAUSE THEY HAVE THEIR OWN WAYS
OF SAYING THINGS.

LES MEME CHOSE, MES, 
DANS D'OTRES FACONS.

Please forgive my horrible French.
Pardonez moi, s'il vous plait. 

I don't always get shown French ads on YT, 
but when I do, they seem to trigger more of them, somehow.

It's not the end of the world, just an observation. 

Wasn't always like that. It started this year, though.

Part of me thinks I should stay up late, to clean.
Another part of me thinks it can wait. 

For a "rainy day"? LOL.
Last few days it has been raining. 
Nice that the snow banks are melting, though. 
And the sidewalks are clear.


I started "organizing" my place.
Made a "dent" in it. 
And did some cleaning, too. 

Would be easier with an extra set of hands, but hey, 
at least I got some done. 

Then my neck and head started hurting.
And what energy I had waned. 

I moved my stash to one corner, 
I put some stuff into boxes, 
I cleaned the bathroom. 
I took out the recycling.

I've got my laundry to fold and hang up.
Still more to wash. 

Wish I had unlimited energy to go all night lol. 
And wish my head and neck didn't hurt anymore. 

I tell myself it's okay to take breaks, 
because it is. 

And it's okay, especially, when my head and neck
are in pain. 

My head's in pain because of my neck pain. 

"Pain in the neck" lol. 

A break, clean, a break, organize, a break, repeat.
A bit each day can go a long way. 

The thing is that once it is done, 
it doesn't take a lot to keep it decent. 

Every time I see Hoarders, 
I just want to jump through the screen and clean that.
I can't look at something like that
without wanting to clean it.

Deep cleaning at the end and beginning of each year. 
It just starts the year off, nicely.

It already is starting to feel better! So am I.
It'd be even better without the pain!

I kept cracking my neck and now it's f*cked up. 
Don't crack your neck folks!
Let the pros do that.

I'd be awesome to go to a chiropracter.
It'd probably feel great afterwards.

Ever seen Chinese chiropracters?
They have a thing they use a rubber mallet thing, 
and they kind of like "hammer"
the vertebrae back into place. 
It looks neat and I probably need that. 

A huge pop between my shoulder blades...

Maybe that's what I'll do for my birthday, 
go and get a massage or something like that. 

I'd have to save up $$$ to see a chiropracter. 
BUT IT WOULD BE WORTH IT.
FOR SURE.

It's starting to cool down in here at least.
Last night was too hot. 

In the halls, and common places, it's hot. 
At the mall, it's hot. 
It just feels like the heat's cranked everywhere.
Except here because I had to turn it off. 

Heat is nice to have, and it keeps you alive...
But too much heat, is too much heat. 
That goes for spice as well. 


Speaking of "heat keeps you alive"
Back in 2022, a family of 4...
Two parents and two children
were found frozen to death in Manitoba
close to the American border, 
they were going to be crossing illegally, 
but they froze to death. 

Canadian winter is freaking harsh. 
A lot of people freeze to death.
Especially in "prarie" provinces.
The "plains" is all OPEN.
You can see for MILES and MILES.

Zero shelter from the elements.
Nothing to stop or block the wind.

It gets down to -40C and sometimes colder. 
Further North, it's like -50C and colder...

People weren't built for that.
Back when we were more neanderathal 
or whatever, we had caves and fire...
We still have those, 
but also, we probably had more body hair, maybe.
I dunno, but people survived
or we wouldn't be around, today.

They managed somehow, and so must we.
Electricity makes a lot of things easier. 

Took us out of the dark ages.
In terms of technology, 

but I feel like we, as a species, 
have a long way to go psychologically
and especially spiritually. 

I get why a lot of people don't believe in
"spirituality."

For me, it's separate from "religion."

I'm not particularily religious. 
I was baptized at a church I attended
up until my teens.

When I was in a group home. 
I asked if I could go to church, they took me, 
but I WENT AWOL FROM CHURCH.

I remember it well. 
There was a place I hid for a while. 
It was like a porch thing or a space under some stairs, 
outside the university close by there.

There was a statue near there,
a sacred space, I go there in my mind sometimes.

They built houses where that used to be.
There used to be a hole in the fence to get up there.

The church used to have a picnic type of thing 
with games and we met with other churches for it.

There was a big field behind the university. 
Between the university and the river. 

I used to wait for the grass to get long and lay in it. 
And look up at the sky at night. 

Now, there are houses all throughout there.
Not just houses, either, condos, too. 

I remember when they were building it. 

At least I snapped a picture of the old church they tore down. 
It was the predecessor of the church that I went to.
Likely, my great-grandparents were married there, 
because my great-grandfather helped to build the church
that I went to. 
And my grandfather was baptized there.

My grandfather, my mom, me, my son...
We were all baptized there.

Someone asked me if I was baptized, 
but he wanted to know if I was baptized Catholic. 
Nope. Anglican. 

As far as I know, Anglican is a type of Protestant. 

Not that I'm religious... 

Do I believe there's a GOD? 
I'm kind of agnostic on that one. 


Do I believe in some "higher power" yeah. 
But not just because it was suggested in AA.

If Jesus did exist, and I'm not saying he didn't, 
but if he did, he was a Capricorn. 

And some say he actually had a brother.
Nobody really talks about that, though. 

Not knocking religion for those who are religious, though. 
They believe what they believe. 
Others believe what they believe. 

I don't usually talk about my spiritual beliefs
because it just seems too crazy, I guess. 
To each their own in that regard.

But I've had too many experiences to know
that there's something to it all. 

And that voice, right in my ear...
It sounded "ancient."
That's all I can describe it as.

It was not my imagination. I heard it.
As plain as I can hear anyone's voice. 

Some believe in past lives, some don't. 
Some believe in soulmates, some don't. 

I got curious and I got a "soulmate drawing" done.
It'd be wild if I met someone who resembles the drawing. 

Sometimes I imagine that I've already met him. 
And I try to imagine what our lives together might look like.
Where we live together, etc. 
Conversations, etc.

If it brings me some type of "peace" I'll take it.
I mean, about imagining things. 

Because it's better than brooding etc. 
WE ALL KNOW HOW GOOD I AM AT THAT!
(And thanks for your patience regarding that).

I feel like kicking myself for all the time I've wasted
just brooding... Just that alone.

All the time that my mind was on things
when it could have been on other things, y'know?

Someone put it this way:
"It's not what you're walking away from, 
it's what you're walking away WITH."

What are you taking away, from that, with you?
LESSONS? 
WHAT YOU LEARNED
FROM GOING THROUGH THAT BS.

And yeah, I'm still mad at myself...
FOR GIVING TOO MANY CHANCES.
JUST FOR THE DISRESPECT AND DISREGARD
THAT I ENDED UP RECEIVING.

And I have to remind myself that.
About the disrespect and disregard.
Because that is reason enough
NOT TO GIVE YET ANOTHER, 
OR ANY MORE F*CKS. 

"He disrespected you, A***."
"Let him go lay in the bed he made. 
He made it, not you."

Because what? You gave him a chance?
In the first place, but many?
Let alone too many?

1) LIMIT the chances you're willing to give. 
2) SET and MAINTAIN boundaries.

The second one, that's hard for a lot of people. 
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WEREN'T TAUGHT
ABOUT THAT.
BY PEOPLE WHO CROSSED THEM,
REGULARLY. 
AS THOUGH NONE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.

That's part of why I allowed so much sh*t in my life. 
I didn't have clear boundaries.
I didn't make them known. 
I had and sometimes still have
A HARD TIME ENFORCING THEM. 

BUT THAT, IS WHAT WE GOTTA DO. 
NO BS. 
THE BOUNDARY
OF THE BS FREE ZONE.

WHERE PEOPLE WHO ARE ABOUT THEIR BS
CAN STAY OUT. AND KEEP OUT. 
NO B*LLSH*TTERS ALLOWED.
NO GAME PLAYERS ALLOWED. 

That's 2025 for me.
That's what it should look like. 

BECAUSE WHAT?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN BS. RIGHT?

At least I try to tell myself there is... 
Sometimes it's hard to see it, but it's there.
It's like the wind. You can feel it, 
you can see what it can do, 
but you can't see "air."
BUT IT'S THERE.

AND WHAT IS IN THE AIR?
MOISTURE.

AND WHAT IS A CONDUIT
OF ELECTRICITY?
WATER!

There was something I read, once, 
and I can't remember what the exact speeds are...

But it was saying how sound travels through air, water, and ice
at different speeds. 

It's a vibration. It's just "translated" as sound. 
When we hear it, we can translate it.

That's kind of how it is with other forms of energy.
1) It travels at whatever speed... 
2) It can be translated, by us. 

As soon as we could realize that we can hear, 
we were reacting to "sounds."
Even when we don't know what the sounds are.
Or where they are coming from. 

When my son was a baby, he was scared of snores. 
Because he didn't know what it was, 
but it was "scary."

Well, it's kind of like that, 
when you "feel" energy. 

1) It's freaky
2) Don't know what it is or where it's coming from, 
3) Don't know how to make sense of what it is...
Or what it means...

A lot of it gets "lost in translation"
and just gets shrugged off as just feeling "weird."

When you get a feeling about something, listen. 
IT IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IT'S NOT JUST A FEELING. 

I learned to listen to it.
When I feel it, there's something up.

I might not know exactly what's up, 
BUT I KNOW SOMETHING'S UP.

OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T FEEL IT.

Kind of like when I pick up on energy at places.
And when I get names at random, and numbers. 
Usually, the numbers correspond to "dates"

Still not quite sure what the 217 thing is about, 
but I know there is something to that.

BECAUSE THE ODDS OF SOME THINGS...
HAS TO BE EXTREMELY HIGH.

You know those "order numbers" at McD's?
When you buy something they give you a receipt
with an "order number"
and you wait for your "order number" to be called etc...

Anyway, I got 217 as an "order number" TWICE.
EVEN ONCE? THE ODDS?

That's how I KNOW there's something to it all. 
What it is, exactly, I DON'T KNOW YET. 

It started when I went to Niagara Falls. 
My son and I stayed at a motel.
They gave us room 217.

After that... It kept popping up.
It kept following me around. 
Even to other cities. 
Just everywhere.

Then I started seeing 111, 222, 333, 444, 555...
All of those... 

And I'd look at the clock exactly at 2:17.
And look up and see a license plate that has 217.
Stuff like that.

It's hard to explain these things or talk about them.
BECAUSE I SEEM CRAZY.
AND WHO WOULD LISTEN?

Anyway, it started when we got that room. 
Part of me wondered if anyone had died in there.

A lot of su*cides in Niagara Falls. A LOT. 

1) It's not a rich city. 
The only places making money
are the tourist places up on Clifton Hill. 

If you go, look around the city, 
BOARDED UP...
STRAY CATS EVERYWHERE...

THE TOURISTS DON'T STRAY
FAR FROM TE FALLS
FAR FROM THEIR HOTELS...

And if it wasn't for the tourists...
It might be kinda dead.

There's history there, a lot of it. 
Tunnels underground, under the shops etc.

Soldiers used them during the war.

And Niagara Falls used to be called Clifton. 
And there used to be a coffin factory. 

Anyway, my grandmother was born in Welland. 
Which is either part of Niagara Falls or close by. 

One of her brothers drowned in the Welland canal. 
When he was 8 years old. 
A kid took his hat off and threw it in...

One of her twin brothers.
She didn't tell me his name until after I told her it. 
I somehow knew about him, how he died etc. 
His name, everything. 

She was very surprised. 
She asked me how I knew, 
but I didn't know how I knew...

I can "see" things in my mind. 
and I can "hear" things in my mind. 

The more you "look" and "listen"
the stronger it gets. 

THAT'S WHY I'M TELLING YOU
THAT IF YOU FEEL SOMETHING, 
LISTEN TO IT.

IT'S TELLING YOU SOMETHING. 
OR TRYING TO....

But interpreting and translating it
IS F*CKING HARD. 
I STILL REALLY STRUGGLE WITH IT.
ALSO I CAN BE STUBBORN...

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ALWAYS LISTENED TO
THINGS I FELT. 

I felt something from or around someone. 
I couldn't tell if it was in the room, 
or if it was coming FROM HIM. 
BUT WHATEVER IT WAS, 
WASN'T GOOD. 

I can feel that stuff. 
I feel it in my stomach like a pit. 
Like a stone in my stomach.

But I try not to feed it.
BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTS.
WHAT IT ALWAYS WANTS.
AND IF YOU LET IT, IT WILL...
IT'LL TRY TO "FEED" OFF YOU.
OFF YOUR SOUL. 

Other than acknowledging that it exists, 
I STAY AWARE OF IT.
AND I KNOW HOW IT FEELS.
WHEN I ENCOUNTER IT.

IT DOES NOT FEEL "RIGHT."
Or "GOOD."

It feels like a living "thing"
that exists, like an energy...

I mean, it is ENERGY, 
but it has some type of "form" to it.
Some type of "meaning" to it.

It's an actual "thing" that can consume people. 
IF THEY LET IT.

AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T REALIZE
THEY ARE LETTING IT.

BECAUSE IT'S STEALTH LIKE THAT, 
TO GET WHAT IT "NEEDS"
TO KEEP EXISTING. 

But there are people who believe in the laws of the universe.
UNIVERSAL LAWS.

The law of attraction works in more ways than one.
And yes, it is about manifesting, to a degree, 

BUT THERE ARE OTHER LAWS, TOO.

Like the law of duality. 

I once did a project about anti-matter.
Would matter exist without anti-matter?
Would anti-matter exist without matter?

Could they exist separate from one another?

Kind of like how we have shadows. 
If the sun (or light source) hits an object, 
it can cast shadows, we know this.

BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS A SHADOW?
The absense of light, because it's being blocked, 
by the object or whatever casting the shadow...

It's kind of like that but with different sources of energy.
I wish I could describe what I'm trying to describe...

Think of energy having a shadow.
The shadow of the energy...

IT'S A THING.
A shadow is a thing, that exists,
Energy is a thing, that exists, 

And it's kinda like how they EXIST TOGETHER.
But it's not just that...

Because it is dark. Absense of "light."
The duality. LIGHT AND DARK. 

Kind of like a coin wouldn't exist without BOTH sides.
It wouldn't be 3D. It'd only have 1 side.
But even a piece of paper has two sides.
EVERY STORY HAS TWO SIDES...

You get where I'm going with that.
It's the law of duality, but also the law of opposites. 

It's really hard for me to explain, exactly what it is...
But let's just call it an energetic shadow. 
The shadow of energy...

The energy, if it wasn't there, there would be no shadow.
Mass = energy, right?

It is MASS that casts the shadow.
Therefore, it's energy that casts it.

Like the absense of light is darkness...
But even though we can't SEE, (physically see)
the energy casting the shadow... It's there.
And since we can't see it, 
we can't see the shadow of it, either. 

And it can kinda LURK.
Waiting for the right time and chance
TO CONSUME because that is what it does.
IF YOU LET IT.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE LET IT
WITHOUT KNOWING THEY ARE DOING IT.

EVEN THOUGH THEY CAN FEEL IT.

AND MOST OF THE TIME,
THEY THINK IT'S THEM.
IT'S NOT THEM. 

It's something that was lurking, in their life, 
or attached to someone in their life, 
or came from somewhere, 
not out of nowhere, 
IT'S EXISTED ALL THIS TIME.
AS FAR BACK AS TIME GOES...

BUT IT ISN'T THEM.
WHY? BECAUSE WE WERE BORN WHAT?
INNOCENT. 

THAT IS WHY IT ISN'T US.
BUT IT WILL LET PEOPLE THINK IT IS.
IF IT GETS IN.
IF IT IS LET IN.

AND SOME PEOPLE LET IT IN
WITHOUT REALIZING IT.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW
how to protect their energy from it.
HOW TO STARVE IT OUT.

I heard this:
THE WOLF YOU FEED
IS THE WOLF THAT WINS.

You can feed THE OTHER WOLF.
NOT THE WOLF THAT WANTS TO EAT YOU.

It reminds me of a movie I saw, once. 
I forget the name of the movie, 
but pretty much the whole movie was
two people were trapped on a ski lift thing.

AND THERE WERE WOLVES BELOW THEM.

Every now and then, I think about THE WOLVES BELOW.
AND IF YOU JUMP OFF THE SKI LIFT, 
YOU CAN BREAK YOUR LEGS, 
AND THEY WILL EAT YOU.

WOLVES DGAF.
FOOD IS FOOD.

UNLESS THEY DON'T LOOK AT YOU AS FOOD.
OR ALL OUR PET DOGS WOULD TRY TO EAT US.

Anyway, the shadow of energy... 
It's like a hungry wolf... 

Speaking of "hungry wolves..."
It makes me think of Diane Downes
Or whatever her name is...

SHE SH0T HER KIDS.
WHILE SHE DID IT, 
"HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLVES."
That song was playing in her car.
And when they played the song in the courtroom, 
SHE WAS JIVING TO IT.

AS THOUGH SHE WASN'T SITTING IN COURT
FOR HAVING K*LLED AT LEAST ONE OF HER KIDS.

I KNOW AT LEAST ONE SURVIVED, 
AND ONE WAS PARALYZED. 

THAT is what I'm talking about...
THAT had already consumed her by that point. 

It gets in through the cracks... 
But cracks that we aren't fixing.
WE HAVE TO LOOK AT, TO FIX. 
AND IT WILL LET YOU THINK
THERE ISN'T ANY TO FIX. 

IT WILL LET YOU THINK A LOT OF THINGS.

And I'm not putting everything on that, 
BECAUSE WE HAVE CHOICES.

LIKE THE CHOICE TO BE AWARE OF IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AWARE OF ITS EXISTANCE, 
BUT AWARE OF HOW IT "FEELS."

Something about it feels like "slime" to me.
I can't really describe it other than it feels "slimy."
And often, it makes my skin feel like its crawling. 

But when you do feel it, you know you are feeling something. 
You might not be able to put your finger on it, 
but you can definitely feel it...

I guess, some can, 
BUT IT WILL LET YOU THINK
YOU CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL. 

IT GETS DEEP IN YOUR HEAD.
The only power it has is any that you give it.
Any energy...
Your thoughts are energy...
That's why it gets in your head....

But when it does, you have to banquish it.
Revoke any permission for it to be there. 

And it's not that we give it conscious permision, 
it gets in by implied permission. 
Implied by not refusing to grant it permission. 

Kind of like choosing not to choose is a choice.
It's like that. 

Not choosing to choose not to grant it permission
IS IMPLIED permission.

That's the closest I can get to putting it into words.