It's Going Somewhere

So my neighbor's YouTube stuff is getting somewhere.
He even got a couple of new subscribers tonight. 

We made 4 short video and a long video. 
Long as in under 10 minutes, but too long to be a "short."

The one we made 4 days ago is rising, too. 

We're making a bunch of teasers for his video course. 
We're going to sell his e-book and audiobook
to get some money for equipment for his video course. 

So that's exciting! I'm happy for him. 
He's starting to enjoy it. 

And if he can make some money with it, even better. 

That's what I'm trying to aim for.
To set something up for him so that he can have that. 
He's in his 60s and harder for him to get a job now. 

Trying to apply online for work is a fkn nightmare. 

If I can set something up for him, he would share with me. 
That's not what it's about, but he would. 

But I think it would be awesome to have something set up
that starts paying out... 

I'm learning while setting it up. 

And then I can use some of the code on my site for my stuff, too. 

I don't know if I wrote about it, but I'm setting up a template library, too. 

The plan is to sell the code I'm building. 

I think I mentioned before what kind of code I already have. 
It's going pretty well. 

And he got 2 subscribers tonight, too. 

The last two nights I've had a lot of anxiety, 
maybe part of why I've been writing more. 

Maybe trying to get some stuff off my mind. 

 It's not like I can talk about the things that bother me, to anyone. 
Or with anyone. May as well write about it and try to get it out. 

Every time I try to trust someone 
I should have been able to trust and respect... 
AND THEY TURN AROUND AND ARE A POS, 
IT'S HARD TO TRUST MYSELF
WITH WHO TO TRUST. 

Does that make any sense?

At this point I do not expect any commitment, 
BUT I WON'T BE PUT ON "STANDBY."

UNTIL I'M "NEEDED." FK THAT.

Beat my high score on Tetris twice this week... 
Sometimes I get bad anxiety and play a bunch of it. 
With something playing in the background, a documentary
to listen to while I'm playing Tetris....

I've found some new tools to use and test out. 
Kind of excited about it. 

Really tired. 
My brother's coming by to bring his stuff here. 
He came by to help me clear out a space for his stuff. 
He's going to keep it here for the time being. 

I Did Try... And Why I Don't Want To

I feel like I've been getting a lot off my mind, lately. 
The last few posts, especially. 

Just to have said it but doesn't feel so great
to feel like I have to. 

Because I really shouldn't have to. 
And I really don't want to. 

But if it must be said, I'll say it. 

Sometimes I wonder if there really is a point
in saying it or not. 

IS THERE A POINT IN IT IF IT REACHES THE EARS
OF THOSE WHO NEED TO HEAR IT?

THE EYES THAT NEED TO READ IT?
THE MINDS THAT NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT?

MAYBE. 

Otherwise, I'm doing it just to do it. 
So nobody can say I didn't try?
To fkn get through to them?

Because I did... 

But was it worth it? Was it worth trying?

Because I could have, and there was a possibility
that I wasn't going to be able to. 

But that was not up to me. 
How anyone chooses to act/be. 

It got to the point that wanting to just feel nice
feels kind of gross
BECAUSE WHEN I WANTED THAT
I GOT A BUNCH OF BS INSTEAD.

IT MAKES ME ALMOST NOT WANT IT ANYMORE. 
LIKE I GET PUNISHED FOR THAT. 
IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER. 
SO WHY BOTHER ANYMORE?

TWO MALE FRIENDS TOLD ME THEY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS. 
I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR THEM, 
BUT I KNOW I'LL SEE THEM EVEN LESS
AND I'D BE THE ODD ONE OUT IF I DID. 
A THIRD WHEEL. FKN AWKWARD. 

AND SOME GIRLS DID NOT WANT ME
AROUND "THEIR" "MAN"
AT ALL.
EVEN WHEN I HAVE NO INTEREST IN "THEIR" MAN.

LIKE I AM A "THREAT" JUST FOR BEING A FEMALE. 
NOT EVERY FEMALE WANTS TO FK "YOUR" "MAN."

Some females would rather have "their own" "man."

An actual man who doesn't string them along for other females. 
Among other things. 

WHERE THE INTEREST IS MUTUAL. 
THE SAME THINGS ARE WANTED. 
THE SAME PAGE. 
NO BS.

But I know the less and less I see my male friends
when they are dating. 

THEIR GIRLS DO NOT WANT ME AROUND
AND I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND THEIR GIRLS. 

BECAUSE OF HOW GIRLS CAN BE AND HAVE BEEN.
NO DESIRE FOR THAT SH*T. 

I WANT MY FRIENDS TO BE HAPPY, YES, 
BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY, TOO. 

AND IF THAT MEANS NOT BEING "INVOLVED"
AS MUCH AS I USED TO BE
WHEN THEY HAVE A GIRL, 
THEN IT MEANS THAT. 

Ridiculous for anyone to be jealous of me
FOR NO REASON. 

BEING YOUR "MAN'S" FRIEND
DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO FK HIM. 

IT MEANS I HAVE KNOWN HIM
LONGER THAN YOU HAVE. 

LIKE IF HE AND I WANTED TO FK, 
WE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BY NOW.
IN THE 10+ YEARS I'VE KNOWN HIM. 
WE DIDN'T. 
SAYS WHAT?

SAYS HE'S NOT INTO ME, 
AND SAYS EVEN IF HE WAS
HAS HE TOLD ME HE WAS? NO?
HAS HE LISTENED TO ME LIKE HE WAS? NO?
DO WE HAVE ANY PICTURES TOGETHER
EVEN AS FRIENDS? NO?

THEN WTF ARE YOU TRIPPING ABOUT B*TCH?

THE FK WOULD I WANT ANY BS FOR THOUGH?
IF YOU WANT THAT, GO FOR IT. 

But part of me... It's not jealousy that I want to be with him. 
It's that IF I COULD HAVE SOMETHING, FOR MYSELF, 
HOW WOULD THAT BE?
WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
WHAT WOULD THAT FEEL LIKE?

WANTING IT FELT LIKE SH*T. 
FROM SOMEONE I DIDN'T KNOW WAS A FKN TW@T.
HAD I KNOWN HE WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THAT,
I WOULD NOT HAVE WASTED MY TIME. 

Why would I? Just to waste it?

I'm tired of either guys not taking no for an answer, 
like trying other sh*t
AFTER I SAID NO TO S#X.

WHETHER IT'S STRAIGHT UP
SHOWING ME THEIR DK...

OR SAYING SH*T TO TRY TO MANIPULATE:
"I REALIZED I NEED YOU AS MY GIRLFRIEND."

And when I say:
"I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend."
"That's too bad."
TOO BAD FOR WHO? NOT TOO BAD FOR ME.
TOO BAD FOR ANYONE
WHO CAN'T ACCEPT THAT. 

OTHERWISE, JUST ACCEPT IT AS A FACT.

BUT TRYING THAT SH*T
AFTER BEING LIKE: "I M*SS HAVING S#X.
WANT TO HAVE S#X?" DA FUQ?

IF I WANTED TO HAVE S#X.
MAYBE THERE'D BE SOME MENTION
ABOUT S#X FROM ME. 

AND I KNOW BETTER THAN TO WANT IT
FOR THE SAKE OF WANTING IT. 

NOT FKN WORTH IT, TO ME. 

I shouldn't be expected to want to fk someone
just because they want to fk. 

SHOULD BE MY CHOICE. 

WHAT IF I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM?
CHANCES ARE I PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO FK. 

DO I HAVE TO BE ATTRACTED TO EVERYONE
WHO WANTS TO FK ME? NO! I DON'T. 

THEY WANT TO FK BECAUSE THEY DO. 
THEY DON'T SEEM TO CARE THAT I DON'T. 
BECAUSE IF THEY DID, 
I'D ONLY HAVE TO SAY NO ONCE. 

AND THEY'D GET THE HINT. 
THAT I REALLY AM NOT INTO THEM, LIKE THAT. 

I DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO FK EVERYONE. 

MAYBE I HAVE MORE TO OFFER THAN MY... BODY.
AND I'D RATHER SOMEONE SEE THAT. 
APPRECIATE THAT. 
FOR WHAT IT IS. 
FOR WHO I AM. 

SOMEONE BROUGHT UP THAT THEY 
HAD BEEN HOPING TO HOOK UP
AND HE MADE A THING ABOUT IT. 

"WHY IS THAT EVEN IMPORTANT?"
BECAUSE HE WAS MAKING IT IMPORTANT
WHEN IT REALLY FKN ISN'T. 

JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A P*SSY, 
DOESN'T MEAN I NEED TO OPEN MY LEGS.
DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE ANYONE WANTS ME TO. 
I HAVE TO WANT TO. 
WHEN I DON'T, I FKN DON'T. 

AND "THAT'S TOO BAD" 
AND SAYING STUPID SH*T LIKE THAT
ISN'T GOING TO GET ME TO CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT IT. 

ISN'T GOING TO MAGICALLY MAKE ME WANT TO
TAKE MY PANTIES OFF. 

SO WHAT'S THE POINT IN DOING IT?
Just to see if it would work?

Like showing me your dk. Why?
Just to see if it would work?

Like fishing... Here's the bait... 
DA FUQ EVEN IS THAT SH*T?

How Much Should It Take?

It bugs me how much it takes for some people
to realize some sh*t. 

I could tell them to their face and waste my time. 

AND SOMEONE ELSE CAN SAY
THE SAME THING
AND GET SOMEWHERE. 

And saying something and hoping to get anywhere
is like spinning my wheels. Feels like that. 
And I'd rather not spin my wheels. 
On anything. 

Even when it comes to getting someone
TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING
AND WHY I AM SAYING IT. 

BECAUSE IF THEY DID, 
THERE'D BE NO "NEED" FOR BS.
CORRECT?

WHAT "NEED" WOULD THERE BE?

IT WOULD BE UNDERSTOOD
WHY NONE IS NEEDED. 
OR WANTED. 
OR NECESSARY. 

IMAGINE IF PEOPLE LISTENED TO ME?
TREATED ME LIKE THEY CARED ABOUT ME?
CARED ABOUT HAVING SOMETHING WITH ME?
SOMETHING MEANINGFUL?

Wouldn't that be nice?
Only having to say something once?
NOT HAVING TO FKN SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT ANYTHING?

TO BE ABLE TO TRUST SOMEONE NOT TO XYZ?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO. 
THEY WOULDN'T. EVER. 
WOULDN'T CROSS THEIR MIND. 

BECAUSE THEY'D CARE ENOUGH
FOR IT NOT TO. 

I sometimes think about dating. 
I see pics of friends with their "other"
and I think: "That would be nice. Just to have that."

BUT I THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIMES
I WAS DONE FKN DIRTY. 

WITHOUT A FKN THOUGHT ABOUT IT. 
INTENTIONALLY. 

AND I THINK: IF I INVEST MY TIME
AND ANYTHING OF MYSELF
INTO ANYTHING NEW
WITH ANYONE
THERE IS A CHANCE
THEY MIGHT FKN XYZ... 

AND THAT'D BE TIME I COULD HAVE XYZ.
INSTEAD OF TRUSTING
SOMEONE WHO DID NOT DESERVE MY TRUST.

IF THEY DID, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE XYZ. 
AND THEY HAD THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT XYZ
INSTEAD OF BEING ALL ABOUT XYZ.

Had the time to think about xyz
And could have taken the time to think about xyz. 
AND WHAT DID I WANT?
FOR THEM TO THINK ABOUT XYZ.

THAT'S WHY I TRIED TO TALK TO THEM
ABOUT XYZ... 

BUT WHY LISTEN TO ME?
OKAY, FIND OUT THE HARD WAY. 

DO I CARE IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE HARD WAY?

WOULD BE COOL IF YOU DIDN'T, BUT... 
I CAN'T MAKE YOU NOT LEARN THE HARD WAY
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!

I had to learn the hard way
THAT I CANNOT MAKE ANYONE NOT LEARN THE HARD WAY
IF THAT'S WHAT THEY REALLY WANT TO DO.

Sucked learning it, but I had to. 
Sucked learning it the way that I did, too.

Sucked having to let them learn the hard way, too. 

I'm sorry to keep writing about it. 
I'm just trying to get out the things that bother me
AND WHY. 

Those who get it, get it. 
Those who understand what I'm saying
also understand why I'm saying it. 

Just that I had to find out the hard way
that I cannot make anyone understand me, 
understand what I wanted, understand what I'm about, 
or understand anything. 

Wanting them to just understand, hoping that they will, 
AND ACT LIKE THEY DO.... 

DOES NOT MEAN THEY WILL. 

NOT EVEN AFTER YEARS OF WANTING
AND HOPING THEY WILL. 

Years of wanting and hoping for something
I shouldn't have to want or hope for. 

If you knew realizing something
COULD MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE
WOULD YOU WANT TO REALIZE IT
OR WOULD YOU REFUSE TO?

AND IF SOMEONE IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING
TO HOPEFULLY GET YOU TO REALIZE SOMETHING
AND YOU CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN TO THEM... 

AND MAYBE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY
IS BEING SAID SO YOU COULD REALIZE SOMETHING... 

BUT IS IT UP TO ME IF THEY DO OR DON'T 
REALIZE ANYTHING?

IF IT WAS UP TO ME, THEY WOULD!
AND IT WOULDN'T BE FKN HARD FOR ME
TO JUST HAVE A FKN CONVERSATION. 

TO JUST BE RESPECTED. 
ENOUGH NOT TO XYZ FFS. 
JUST ENOUGH FOR THAT. 

AND IT SHOULD NOT BE A CRIME
JUST TO WANT THAT. 
JUST THAT. 

THAT'S A START, RIGHT?

What bugs me is being treated like I'm asking
FOR WAY TOO DAMN MUCH
WHEN I'M HARDLY ASKING FOR ANYTHING. 

ASKING FOR SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO
ASK FOR
BECAUSE IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO WANT.

AND SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT HAVE TO
BEG OR FIGHT FOR. 

WOULD THEY WANT ME TO WANT THEM TO?
BEG OR FIGHT FOR BASIC RESPECT?

FOR ME TO LISTEN TO THEM?
FOR ME TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY?

Anyway, I know that most know what I'm saying
and have been saying the whole time. 

To me, these things shouldn't be hard to understand. 
And just refusing to understand these things is just... 
Ignorant. 

Because they really should not be HARD to understand. 
If it is, then there's something else not being understood, too. 

Something I realized about realizing things:
Sometimes it takes realizing some things
TO REALIZE SOME OTHER THINGS. 

SOME REALIZATIONS HAVE TO COME FIRST
BEFORE SOMETHING CAN CLICK... 

FOR SOME PEOPLE. 

LIKE SOME PEOPLE HAVEN'T REALIZED SOMETHING
BECAUSE TO REALIZE THAT, 
THEY'D HAVE TO REALIZE XYZ... 

And it can take a while to SEE something. 
TO KNOW IT, THEY HAVE TO SEE IT. 

AND SOMETIMES THEY HAVE TO SEE IT
FOR THEMSELVES. 
ALONE. 
WITHOUT YOU. 

BECAUSE POINTING OUT XYZ
WHEN YOU CAN'T FORCE THEM TO SEE XYZ
NO MATTER HOW YOU TRY TO TELL THEM
OR HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY TO TELL THEM... 

IF THEY NEED TO SEE IT FOR THEMSELVES, 
YOU GOTTA LET THEM SEE IT FOR THEMSELVES. 

IF THAT TAKES STEPPING ALL THE WAY BACK, 
IT TAKES STEPPING ALL THE WAY BACK. 

EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. 
EVEN IF YOU'RE A B*TCH (OR WHATEVER)
JUST FOR DOING THAT. 

FOR THEM TO SEE IT. 
IF THEY EVER DO. 

AND WHETHER THEY DO OR NOT, 
DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU?

Even if you could have spared them
from having to see it for themselves... 

IF THEY HAD LISTENED
AND WANTED TO LISTEN 
WHEN YOU TOLD THEM. 

BUT HAD I LISTENED
AT TIMES I COULD HAVE LISTENED, 
MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO
LEARN SOME SH*T THE HARD WAY. 

I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO SEE FOR MYSELF.

BUT WHAT CAN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
WHEN CERTAIN THINGS DIDN'T CROSS YOUR MIND
WHEN THERE WAS ENOUGH TIME FOR IT TO HAVE.
HAD YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT? 
ABOUT WHAT I SAID... 

But can I force anyone to listen or see anything?
If they need to see it in a harsh way, 
AM I SUPPOSED TO CANDY COAT IT?

If it has to be right in their face for them to see it... 
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOVE IT IN THEIR FACE
FOR THEM TO SEE IT?

And if they refuse to open their eyes?
What use would that be?
To me or to them?

Just to try to?
In the hopes of "success" or "progress"?

Can hope, right? For fkn years!!!!
YOU'D BE WASTING YEARS OF YOUR LIFE
IF THEY DO NOT SEE A DAMN THING
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR SAY. 
NO MATTER ANYTHING. 

WILL THEY SEE ANYTHING IF THEY DON'T WANT TO?
IF THEY THINK THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE
WILL THEY WANT TO LOOK?

AND IF YOU TELL THEM WHERE THEY COULD LOOK, 
BY GIVING THEM SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
THAT YOU JUST WISH THEY WOULD THINK ABOUT...

BECAUSE IF THEY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, 
WOULD THEY REALLY LOOK AT IT?
AND MAYBE SEE WHAT YOU WERE SAYING?
AND WHY YOU SAID IT?

WOULD THEY GET IT?
WOULD EVERYTHING THEY WERE MAKING
FKN DIFFICULT FOR NO REASON
BE EASIER?
THAN EVER BEFORE?

WOULD THEY TREAT YOU PROPERLY?

THE WAY THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE?
PEOPLE THEY WANTED TO HAVE AND KEEP
IN THEIR LIFE?

BUT EXPECT ME TO JUST BE THERE?
AS WHAT? A BACKUP?

Like it drives me nuts. 

And I wish I could just talk about it. 
Why it bothers me. Y'know?

WITHOUT THAT BEING A DAMN CRIME!
BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T BE ONE!
TO SAY HOW I FEEL ABOUT SOMETHING!
BECAUSE... LIKE WTF?

SHOULD THEY BE ALLOWED TO TELL ME
THAT THEY FEEL XYZ ABOUT XYZ?

SHOULDN'T THEY TELL ME HOW THEY FEEL?
THEN WHY SHOULDN'T I TELL THEM?

IF THEY CARED HOW I FELT, 
WOULDN'T THEY WANT TO KNOW?
THEN WOULDN'T I BE ALLOWED TO TELL THEM?
TO THEIR FACE?
NOT OVER MESSENGER WHERE FEMALES
CAN READ OUR ENTIRE CONVERSATION... 

AND PROVED WHAT I SAID WAS RIGHT.

But why not be foolish? About me?
About everything?
Why not?

Hope it felt good in the moment. 
BECAUSE WHEN REALITY HITS, 
IT WILL HIT HARD. 

AND I DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE
FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. 

ME NOT BEING THERE
WILL BE PART OF IT. 

THE REALIZATION I NEVER HAD TO BE.

Sometimes, realizations can be punches in the gut. 
I won't be there. 
I don't want to be there.
I used to care, used to want to be there... But... 
WHAT ARE THE REASONS I AM NOT THERE ANYMORE?
The real reasons?
My reasons?

Here, I can explain it, tell it. As it is. 
I dgaf who doesn't like it, the truth. 

I dgaf who doesn't want to hear it from me. 

But what they have shown me is what they have shown me. 
What they chose to show me. 
What they can't unshow me. 

And if they didn't want me to see that, 
they shouldn't have shown me that. 

BUT I NEEDED TO SEE SOME THINGS FOR MYSELF. 
HOW FAR SOMEONE WOULD REALLY GO. 

HOW MUCH I'D ALLOW MYSELF TO TAKE
BEFORE I FINALLY JUST GAVE UP
AND LET FKTARDS HAVE THEIR BS. 

IF FKTARDS ONLY KNOW BS, 
WHAT DO YOU REALLY EXPECT?

IF THEY "KNOW NO BETTER"
THEN HOW CAN YOU EXPECT THEM TO BE?

BUT THEY HAVE TO WANT TO BE. 
THEY HAVE TO WANT TO DO BETTER AND BE BETTER
THAN BEING A FKN TW@T. 
THAN DOING XYZ.
ACTING LIKE A FKN XYZ.

IF THEY DON'T? CAN YOU "MAKE THEM"?

YOU CAN WALK AWAY AND LEAVE THEM
IN THEIR OWN MISERY, THOUGH. 
LET THEM THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY MISSED OUT ON
BY ACTING LIKE A FKN XYZ.

That they could have if they didn't want to act like a fkn xyz... 

And all they had to do was not act like a fkn xyz?
Literally, that's all they had to do? Just that?

But when someone's too busy acting like a fkn xyz... 
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO SEE? ANYTHING?

MAYBE ONLY START SEEING IT
WHEN THEY SEE WHAT THEY ARE LEFT WITH?

But I can't waste my time around people who refuse to look at their own sh*t. 

And when they treat me a type of way more than once... 
And want to be a fkn xyz more than once... 

What does that show you?
It shows you that is what they are choosing. Actively. 
By choice and intention. 

HOW SOMEONE CHOOSES TO ACT
IS A CHOICE. 

WHO'S "TEAM" THEY CHOSE TO BE ON
WAS WHO'S "TEAM" THEY CHOSE TO BE ON. 

WASN'T MY "TEAM." LOL. 
OR WE'D HAVE MADE SOME PROGRESS. 
BY NOW. I'D HOPE.

FOR THEIR OWN SAKE!

BUT WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING
I WANTED. 

LIKE IT REALLY FEELS LIKE I SHOULDN'T EVEN 
WANT ANYTHING, WITH ANYONE, 
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I DO, 
I GET THIS FKN SH*T. 

THE ONE TIME I DIDN'T, I WAS THE PROBLEM. 
I MADE THE WRONG CHOICES. 
I PAID THE PRICE FOR THAT.

WHERE WOULD I BE HAD I NOT?
MARRIED?

BUT WANTING ANYTHING, I GOT A LOT OF BS.
FOR NOTHING. 
FOR JUST WANTING WHAT I WANTED.
I WANTED TO NOT HAVE TO FKN FIGHT
FOR FKN ANYTHING. 

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO?
JUST TO HAVE IT?

Something worth fighting for
is something worth not having to fight for...

LIKE JUST BEING HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD. 

INSTEAD OF BEING TREATED LIKE I'M SPEAKING
ANOTHER FKN LANGUAGE. 

LIKE I MAY AS WELL BE.
TO MYSELF. 

After All That

The thing with having a heart is
a lot of people think you're a fool. 

Mirror smasher tried to make a fool of me
by trying to make me seem crazy
with his bs. 

THE FACT HE WANTED TO TRY ME
AND TRIED TO DO WHAT HE TRIED TO DO...
WHY WOULDN'T THAT SH*T
TURN ME OFF?

WHY SHOULDN'T I BACK OFF?
WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO RUN FROM THAT SH*T?
FKN DISTURBING AND GROSS.

AFTER ALL THAT SH*T, 
WHY WOULD I WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT SH*T?
TO BE STUCK IN THAT?
LONGER THAN I ALREADY WAS?

I WAS TOO DAMN PATIENT. 
WAITING FOR THAT DAY HE'D SAY:
"I WON'T TREAT YOU LIKE THAT ANYMORE."

HE KNEW HOW HE WAS TREATING ME!
HE CHOSE TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT!

IF I TREATED HIM LIKE THAT
SHOULD I BE SURPRISED IF HE WALKED AWAY
FROM ME?

SO WHY SHOULD HE BE SURPRISED THAT I DID?
AND THEN WANTS TO ACT LIKE A VICTIM
OF HIS OWN SH*T
INSTEAD OF TELLING EVERYONE
ABOUT HIS SH*T. 

BUT GOT SOMETHING OUT OF IT
OR WHY FKN DO IT?

And after that, being turned off that much... 
I'd rather just fkn be alone. 

BEING ALONE IS SO MUCH FKN BETTER
THAN BEING WITH OR TRYING TO BE WITH
A FKN TW@T.

AND AFTER FORGIVING THEM, A BUNCH OF TIME...
STILL BEING A SH*T?

YOU GIVE SOMEONE A CHANCE NOT TO FKN DO SOMETHING...
JUST NOT TO FKN DO SOMETHING... JUST THAT...
AND THEY FKN DO IT. 

NOT ONLY DID THEY DO IT, THEY DID IT
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO DO IT. 

WANTING TO DO IT WAS THE PROBLEM. 

BECAUSE WHY DO IT?

TO GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT!
OR WHY DO IT?!

AND WHATEVER IT WAS THEY GOT FROM IT
MATTERED MORE TO THEM THAN
HOW THEY CHOSE TO BE/ACT. 

AND I KNOW THEY WOULDN'T BE/ACT LIKE THAT
WITH PEOPLE HE WANTED IN HIS LIFE.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD HE?

AND WHEN YOU CHOOSE SOMEONE
WHO HAPPENS TO BE JEALOUS
AND YOU RUN WITH THAT SH*T, 
KEEP THAT SH*T.

Wanting others to believe lies about me...
Whether he wanted to talk sh*t
or believed people talking sh*t, 
or both... 

HE SHOWED ME WHO HE IS. 

FOR SOMEONE WHO CARES WHAT OTHERS THINK
SO FKN MUCH... 

THAT HE WOULDN'T TREAT THEM LIKE THAT....

AND WHEN YOU RUIN AN OPPORTUNITY, YOU RUIN IT. 

FOR NOT JUST NOT DOING XYZ TO ME.
FOR LYING TO MY FACE, LYING AT ALL... 
PLAYING STUPID GAMES, WIN STUPID PRIZES.

HE THOUGHT HE'D RUN AWAY LIKE A FKN COWARD
AND CREATE A MESS BEHIND MY BACK
TO GET HIS PRECIOUS ATTENTION
FROM HIS MESSY "FRIENDS"
HE "NEEDED" TO "IMPRESS"

BY BEING A SH*T.
BECAUSE THEY ARE ALSO SH*TS.

SH*TS INFLUENCE SH*TS. GO FIGURE. 

DAMAGE TF OUT OF SOMETHING
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOMETHING
GOOD OR AT LEAST DECENT
AND COULD HAVE BEEN... 

BUT JUST BECAUSE I "UNDERSTAND SOMEONE'S PAIN"
DOESN'T MEAN I NEED TO LET THEIR BS SLIDE
FOREVER.

OR AT ALL.

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T NEED TO BE ABOUT THEIR BS.

INSTEAD OF TAKING THEIR KINDNESS
FOR A WEAKNESS.

INSTEAD OF TRYING TO DENY IT.

OR HIDE THE TRUTH OF IT.

BECAUSE IF OTHERS SAW IT, 
THERE MIGHT BE SOME OPINIONS ABOUT IT. 

WANTING ME TO BE "BOUND" TO IT, 
ADDICTED TO THEIR BS. 

BY "BEING NICE" JUST TO FKN TWIST A KNIFE 
IN MY BACK, 
OR SLAPPING ME IN THE FACE IN MANY WAYS. 

YOU'D THINK I'D GET TIRED OF IT. I DID. 

ONLY BECAUSE HE KNEW
I FOUND WAYS TO FORGIVE.

BECAUSE PART OF HIM KNEW WHY I WAS THERE.

BUT IT FEELS LIKE HE TRIED TO USE 
THE BEST PARTS OF ME AGAINST ME
TO FKN TRY TO HURT ME
AND WANTED TO FKN DO IT.
OR ELSE HE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.

TO BE THAT ADDICTED TO BEING A SH*T... 
TO PUT ON A SHOW LOL... 

BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I'D ALWAYS
KEEP TRYING AND KEEP WANTING TO BE THERE.
UNTIL I FKN DIDN'T. 

AND NOT WANTING TO ANYMORE
IS NOT WANTING TO ANYMORE
AND THERE ARE REASONS FOR THAT. 

CREATING TENSION BEHIND THE SCENES, 
PLAYING GAMES, BEING A SH*T... 
ACTING LIKE A TW@T...

SURE, IT'D BE "NICE" TO BE "LOVED PROPERLY."
BUT I DON'T WANT IT SO BADLY
THAT I'D KEEP WORKING ON SOMETHING
SOMEONE'S BEEN ACTIVELY DESTROYING
REPEATEDLY. 

AND BEING FKN FALSE. 

AND TRYING TO GET AWAY WITH SH*T. 

AND EXPECTING ME TO JUST LET IT GO.
WITHOUT SAYING SH*T ABOUT IT. 

WHEN SOMEONE IS SO ADDICTED TO TOXIC SH*T
AND YOU'RE NOT ABOUT IT
THEY CAN JUST GO BE ABOUT IT
BY THEMSELVES FFS.

LIKE ADDICTED TO BEING A TOXIC POS... 

DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH YOU?
OR DOES IT SAY EVERYTHING THAT IT NEEDS TO, ABOUT THEM?

OF COURSE HE DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO FIX ANYTHING WITH ME.

EVEN IF HE WANTED TO... 

HE ACTS LIKE HE WANTS TO BE NICE TO ME.
THEN HE'S RIGHT BACK TO BEING A TW@T.

AND ANY TIME I SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT
HE WANTS TO MAKE SH*T WORSE
BY BEING/ACTING WORSE.

WHAT'S THERE TO SAY?
WHAT IS THERE HE COULD SAY?
EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO SEE, I SAW IT.

AND WHEN HE SHOWED ME THE FIRST TIME, 
I HAD HOPE THAT ONE DAY:
HE'D REALIZE WHO TF I REALLY AM
AND HOW HE HAD ZERO REASON TO EVER
BE/ACT LIKE THAT TOWARDS ME
THINKING I WOULD NEVER WALK AWAY?
SO THAT GAVE HIM THE GREEN LIGHT
TO BE/ACT LIKE THAT?

BUT TRYING TO BREAK ME ON TOP OF THAT?

What bugs me about that sh*t the most
is he could have succeeded
HAD I FKN CARED AT ALL ABOUT
WHAT HE TRIED BREAKING ME WITH LOL. 

OF COURSE I PUSHED BACK. 
OF COURSE I WASN'T GOING TO TAKE IT.
OF COURSE I WASN'T GOING TO KEEP TRYING.
OF COURSE I WASN'T GOING TO WANT IT.

HIS FKN INSECURITIES AND BS
TURNING ON ME
AND KEEPING ME "HOPEFUL"
FOR HIM TO "STOP TREATING ME LIKE THAT"
KEPT ME AROUND.

BUT HE WASN'T STOPPING. DID HE?

WANTED ME TO BE "PUBLICALLY EMBARRASSED"
WITH WHATEVER "NARRATIVE" HE WANTS TO USE
USING WHOEVER HE CAN...

He'll do it. Or try to. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT 
WOULD BREAK HIM. 

AND HE WANTED TO TRY TO BREAK ME
JUST TO POINT AT ME
LIKE I AM "CRAZY"
SO I "DESERVED" XYZ.

THAT SH*T IS DISGUSTING. 
WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE
WHO WANTED TO HURT ME
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO
GROW TF UP?

AND ACTUALLY JUST STOP.
BECAUSE THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO. 

THEN HE WANTED ME TO FEEL A TYPE A WAY
ABOUT ANYONE LAUGHING AT ME
FOR ANYTHING. 

IMAGINE GOING FOR MY THROAT LIKE THAT.
SOMEONE WHO CARED. 

BUT BECAUSE I'M NOT ABOUT TO SHARE
ANYTHING I HAVE ANYMORE

TO BE DISMISSED AND DISRESPECTED... 
CONTINUOUSLY.

AFTER GIVING CHANCES TO STOP DOING THAT SH*T.

THEN TRYING TO GET HATERS AFTER ME
AFTER FKN ST@BBING ME IN THE BACK
AFTER SLAPPING ME IN THE FACE... 
AFTER EXPECTING ME TO TAKE THAT SH*T... 

AFTER WANTING TO DO THAT, AND DOING IT... 
BUT IT WAS THE WANTING TO... 

THAT DID THAT. 
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO. AT ALL. 

PLAYING A VICTIM OF HIS BS
GETS HIM THE ATTENTION HE WANTS
FROM EVERYONE HE WANTS IT FROM
AND HE'S NOT FKN SORRY. 

EVEN THE TIMES HE FKN APOLOGIZED
HE GAVE ME A BUNCH OF FKN EXCUSES. 

HOW IS THAT BEING SORRY?

BUT ALL BECAUSE OF WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT OF ME?

BECAUSE IF THEY ALL THOUGHT HIGHLY OF ME, 
THEY'D ACT RIGHT. 
WITH RESPECT AT THE VERY LEAST. CORRECT?

AND WHEN THEY HAVE NO OPTIONS
THEY COME BACK MY WAY... 

WHENEVER THERE IS AN OPTION... 
WHY BE "NICE" TO ME ANYMORE?

HOPING SOMEONE WILL FKN ACT RIGHT...
DOESN'T MEAN THEY WILL.

I HOPED FOR FKN YEARS.
THEY'D JUST FKN STOP THEIR SH*T. 

THEY CAN ALL GO ST@B EACH OTHER IN THE BACK.

AND WHAT I WAS OFFERING, FOR REAL, 
TRY TO REPLACE IT. 
DGAF IF YOU TRY TO. 
GO FOR IT.

CAN YOU REPLACE IT WITH SOMEONE
WHO'D ST@B YOU IN THE BACK
LIKE YOU DID TO ME, THOUGH?

Then WHY act NICE to me
ONLY TO TURN AROUND
AND ACT LIKE A SH*T YET AGAIN?

WHY PUT ON A SHOW?

MIRROR SMASHER SH*T SHOW...

IF HE DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE A SH*T SHOW...
HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A SH*T
OR PUT ON A SHOW.

FOR PEOPLE WHO LITERALLY WATCH HIM
BURN HIS FKN LIFE DOWN.

BECAUSE THEY WANTED HIM TO BE/ACT
LIKE A TW@T TO ME
FOR ME TO WALK AWAY FFS. 

AND IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE A TW@T, 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A TW@T.

AND WON'T ADMIT TO BEING A TW@T.

I was supposed to feel "outnumbered."
by everyone, he put on a show for... 

OUTNUMBERED BY WHO, THOUGH?
PEOPLE WHO FKN MATTER? TO ME?
NO? SO I'D CARE ABOUT THAT? NO?

Wanting me to feel any type of way for doing that sh*t
WANTING ME TO "PROVE"
EVERYTHING THEY WERE SAYING ABOUT ME
BEHIND MY BACK
AND THEN NOT GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANTED... 
KIND OF MAKES THEM LOOK LIKE
SOMEONE WHO'D DO THAT SH*T. 

INSTEAD, I SHUT DOWN, SHUT THEM OUT, 
DENIED THEIR ACCESS TO ME
SLIPPED THROUGH THEIR FINGERS
BECAME THE CHANCES THEY NEVER TOOK. 
HAD THEY WANTED TO.

HE HAD THE CHANCES. 
JUST THOUGHT THEY WERE UNLIMITED. 
SO WHY NOT BE A SH*T?

IN SO MANY WAYS, THOUGH. 
IN WAYS I THOUGHT HE WAS TOO MATURE
TO BE ABOUT. 

IN WAYS HE COULD HAVE BEEN TOO MATURE
TO BE ABOUT.

TRYING TO "GET OVER" ON ME. 
TO WIN SOME GAME. 

IS IT MY FAULT THEY HAD TO LEARN BY BEING A SH*T?
THAT I DON'T FKN PLAY?

The issue could have been resolved a long time ago
HAD THEY STOPPED TREATING ME LIKE SH*T. 

BETTER YET NEVER TREATED ME LIKE SH*T.

AND REFUSING TO EVEN TALK ABOUT IT
AND ACTING LIKE WANTING TO TALK ABOUT IT
IS A FKN CRIME... 

TRYING TO THROW EVERYTHING AT ME
THINKING THEY COULD AFFECT ME
THE WAY THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD LOL. 

ALL THAT DID WAS P*SS ME OFF. 
AND TURNED ME OFF. 
MADE ME STOP CARING.

BUT THEY WANT TO LIGHTEN THE LOAD
BY BEING NICE TO ME FOR HOWEVER LONG
THEY WANT TO.
AND TURN ON ME. 
AND LIE TO ME. 
TRY TO MAKE A FOOL OF ME.
FOR WHOEVER.

DOING THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE
CAUSING THAT DAMAGE
TO SOMEONE
WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN DOWN FOR YOU
IS FKN STUPIDITY. 
EVEN INSANITY. 

AND WHEN THEY REALIZE
THAT WALKING AWAY IS NO FKN JOKE... 
THEY LOOK BACK... 
"I SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED A***."
"I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HER A PROPER CHANCE."
"I SHOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE I'D MISS HER."
"I SHOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE I CARED ABOUT HER."
"I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HER AT LEAST THE BARE MIN."

HE TRIED TO CREATE A FKN TRAUMA BOND
INSTEAD OF A REAL ACTUAL BOND. 

I DON'T DO TRAUMA BONDS. 
I ONLY DO REAL ACTUAL BONDS. 

AND NOW I DO NOT WANT TO BOND
WITH ANYONE. 

Like if you push someone to a breaking point
INTENTIONALLY
AND THEY SEE YOU ARE DOING IT
AND ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO DO IT
THEY HAVE THE CHOICE
NOT TO FKN PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T. 

ESPECIALLY SH*T THEY DON'T DESERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

PRIDE, EGO, WANTING ATTENTION
OR WHATEVER ELSE WAS IN THE MIX... 

I DON'T HAVE TO WANT THAT.

AND HE HAD THE CHANCE TO JUST FKN STOP.
STOP ACTING LIKE THAT, 
STOP BEING LIKE THAT, 
BUT HE KEPT GOING.

TO THE POINT I PUSHED HIM OUT OF MY LIFE. 
BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T FKN STOP. 

IT WASN'T JUST ONCE, IT WAS ONE TOO MANY TIMES.
EVEN ONCE IS ONE TOO MANY TIMES. 

AND WANTING TO ACT AND BEHAVE LIKE THAT... 
CAN COME BACK TO HAUNT PEOPLE. 

IF IT DOES, DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?
OR DOES IT HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH
ACTING AND BEHAVING LIKE THAT?

AND WHEN THAT SH*T HAS BEEN ON REPEAT...
FOR YEARS EVEN... 

AND THINKING I'D STAY FOR MORE OF THAT SH*T... 
THAT I'D WANT TO... 

FKN DISLOYAL POS. 

BUT HE'S SO NICE AND GREAT TO EVERYONE ELSE. 
I SAW OF HIM WHAT OTHERS NEVER WOULD.

HE'D BE NICE TO ME JUST TO BE A POS TO ME. 
WITH JEALOUS FEMALES FFS LOL. 

I'M SUPPOSED TO WANT TO TRUST THAT 
LIKE I ONCE DID? LOL!

THEN GET MAD THAT I HAVE REASONS
THAT THEY GAVE ME, 
NOT TO?

TO PULL ALL THE WAY BACK
LIKE I SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO DO?

AND THEN TRY TO BE ALL PETTY WITH ME
FOR DOING IT?

IF THE WORST I'M DOING IS PULLING 
ALL THE WAY BACK
BECAUSE IT'S NOT FKN WORTH IT TO ME ANYMORE

THEN I'M SUCH A B*TCH!!!! 
EVERYONE SHOULD HATE ME!!!!
BECAUSE I PULLED ALL THE WAY BACK!!!!

TO MAKE SOMETHING CLEAR ABOUT MYSELF. 

MISSED AN OPPORTUNITY?! MY BAD! LOL!
MAYBE I SHOULD GIVE IT TO YOU
A BILLION MORE TIMES
AND KEEP FIGHTING JUST TO DO IT LOL!

JUST FOR YOU TO BE A SH*T. TO ME.
AND TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE
HOW YOU WERE ACTING AND BEHAVING
WASN'T THE FKN ISSUE. 

YOU NEGLECT WHAT WAS GIVEN
AND INTENTIONALLY "MISUNDERSTOOD"
AND RUINED EVERYTHING BY DOING IT... 

AND LOST SOMEONE IN THE PROCESS... 
AS A RESULT FOR DOING IT... 

IT IS NOT THE FAULT OF WHO YOU DID IT TO,
TO SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T HAVE. 

PUSHING SOMEONE TO SEE YOU
AS SOMEONE WHO WOULD PUSH THEM
TO SEE YOU AS SOMEONE WHO WOULD.

WANTING ME TO CHASE HOPE, THOUGH... 
FK THEM ALL FOR THAT SH*T. 

HOPE THEY'D JUST FKN ACT RIGHT.

HERE'S ANOTHER CHANCE TO ACT RIGHT!
JUST ACT RIGHT! 

NO? HERE'S YET ANOTHER CHANCE
JUST TO NOT BE A POS... CAN YOU JUST NOT BE A POS?

ESPECIALLY FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS?

BECAUSE IT'D BE COOL OF YOU NOT TO BE A POS!
THANKS!

LIKE TRYING TO TEMPT ME BY BEING NICE
THEN BEING A TOTAL POS.

AND IF HE CARED WHY BE A POS?!

JUST SO I WOULD "MOVE ON AND FORGIVE"
AND GIVE ANOTHER CHANCE
TO JUST NOT BE A POS!!!!!!!!!!! JUST THAT!!!!!!!

THINGS COULD HAVE CHANGED BY NOW!
THEY DIDN'T!

I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WALK AWAY
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WHO SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO.

WHICH THEY COULD HAVE JUST ALLOWED ME TO. 

JUST BECAUSE I ONCE LOVED YOU, AND CARED DEEPLY, 
DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T GET TO STOP WORKING ON SOMETHING
SOMEONE DID EVERYTHING TO DESTROY IT
EVERY TIME.

BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST LET THAT GO?
AND COMPROMISE MYSELF
FOR SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO BE/ACT LIKE A SH*T?

They lash out and try to provoke me
because they know I have a right to reject this sh*t.

AND I GAVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE
AFTER DOING THIS MULTIPLE TIMES. 

IT WASN'T HIM WANTING THE CHANCE
AND TRYING TO HAVE THAT CHANCE
IT WAS ME GIVING IT

JUST FOR SOME GASLIGHTING BS. 
YET AGAIN. 

BUT THEY WANT TO ACT RIGHT WHEN THEY "MISS" ME
THEN TURN AROUND AND BURN ME. 

FOR NOT LIKING BEING TREATED LIKE SH*T?!
WELL DUH!

WHO WOULD WANT THAT SH*T?

BEING A SH*T OUT OF BOREDOM 
IS EVEN WORSE!

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE LOYAL
TO THAT SH*T?

GIVE MY ALL TO THAT SH*T?

AND IF HE EVEN TRIED TO BE NICE, NOW, 
IT'D FEEL LIKE A FKN TRAP, TO ME. 

BECAUSE HE FLIPPED ON ME TOO MANY TIMES
TO BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS, NOW. 
AFTER ACTING/BEING LIKE THAT. 

DID HE DESERVE WHAT I WAS TRYING TO GIVE?
ACTING AND BEING LIKE THAT?

TRYING TO INTENTIONALLY BREAK SOMEONE, THOUGH... 
I WAS SUPPOSED TO CHASE HIM DOWN
TO BE "LOVED" BY HIM. 
HOW FKN GROSS IS THAT SH*T?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO CHASE AND NEVER PULL BACK
NO MATTER WHAT WAS DEFLECTED AT ME. 
NO MATTER WHAT. 
I WAS SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THAT
AND BE CONTROLLED.
AND BE TIED TO MEMORIES.
AND JUST GIVE HIM THE ATTENTION HE WANTED.
AND PLAY GAMES FOR HIM TO ACT RIGHT. FK THAT.
TRIED SETTING ME UP TO FAIL
AND ENDED UP FAILING. 

TRIED PUTTING HIS MISERY ONTO ME. 

BECAUSE HIS LIFE'S NOT WORKING OUT FOR HIM
SO MINE SHOULDN'T WORK OUT FOR ME?

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT?
EVEN THOUGH HE COULD HAVE BEEN A PART OF IT?

ADDICTED TO BEING PETTY AND BEING A MANIPULATOR, 
TRYING TO PUT SH*T ON ME
TO TRY TO EMBARRASS ME
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT OR NEED THAT SH*T... 
FOR NOT WANTING OR NEEDING THAT SH*T... 

TRYING TO DIM SOMEONE'S LIGHT
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THEM
TO LEVEL UP... 

AND TO TRY TO DO THAT FOR A COME UP... 

AND NOT GROWING UP, AND DRAGGING THAT SH*T OUT... 
AND PLAYING THE SAME GAMES... 

INSTEAD OF FKN GROWING UP... 

AND I AM OKAY WITH HAVING MY PEACE AND SANITY. 
WANTING TO EMBARRASS ME
SHOULD BE EMBARRASSING. 

AND HIM DOING THAT SH*T TO ME... 
THAT'S HIS CHARACTER. 

OTHERWISE WHY?

I'M AFFECTING HIM BY PULLING ALL THE WAY BACK. 
NOT TAKING HIS FKN BAIT. 
NOT ACCEPTING HIS SH*T. 

AND TRYING TO MOB ME WITH HIS FLYING MONKEYS.
ON TOP OF HIS SH*T... 

WASTED A LOT OF TIME ON SH*T. 
THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE. 

DESPITE ALL OF THAT, I HAVE HOPE FOR OTHER THINGS. 
BETTER THINGS. 

BUT TO TRY TO TRUST ANYONE?

JUST TO TRY TO TRUST THEM
NOT TO BE A POS TO ME. 

AND BEING NICE TO ME JUST TO TURN ON ME... 

IF SH*T CRASHES AND BURNS IN HIS LIFE
AFTER I STEP OUT OF IT
SHOULD THAT BE MY PROBLEM?

It's like if a parent kicks a child out of the house
or anyone kicks anyone out of their house
FOR A REASON
AND THE PERSON WHO GETS KICKED OUT
GOES AND TALKS SH*T ABOUT THE PERSON
WHO KICKED THEM OUT. 

EVEN THOUGH THEY GAVE THE REASONS
TO GET KICKED OUT. 

AND THEN BE ALL LIKE:
A***'S A B*TCH FOR KICKING ME OUT
EVEN THOUGH I INSULTED HER
LIED TO HER
TOOK FROM HER
TRIED TO PROVOKE HER INTO REACTING
SO EVERYONE WOULD SAY:
"YOU'RE RIGHT! SHE IS CRAZY! ETC"

DID ALL OF THAT, AND MORE... 
AND TRIED TO ACT LIKE I HAD NO RIGHT
TO TELL HIM TO P*SS OFF. 

I had every right to tell him to p*ss off. 
With his groupies and whoever else. 

Am I wrong for letting him have his BS?
And wanting him to have it at this point?
Should I care about what he's stuck in/with?
I did. Was his choice.

But I thought if they knew me, they'd know
WHAT I'M ABOUT AND WHAT I'M NOT ABOUT. 

I TRIED TO MAKE SH*T EASY FOR HIM, 
AND EVERYTHING HAD TO BE HARD WITH HIM
INCLUDING HAVING A FKN CONVERSATION. 

IF YOU MAKE IT HARD TO FKN TALK TO YOU, 
WHAT IS THE POINT IN TALKING TO YOU?

OR HAVING YOU IN MY LIFE? AT ALL?
JUST SO EVERYTHING IS FKN HARD FOR ME?
INCLUDING TALKING TO YOU?

THE FK WOULD I WANT THAT SH*T FOR?

JUST TO "HAVE" IT?

NO. IF YOU WANT TO TREAT ME
LIKE I AM NOTHING TO YOU, 
YOU CAN BE NOTHING TO ME, TOO. 

FAIR. ISN'T IT?

My brother kind of "clued in."
"YOU'RE NOT A COMMUNITY CENTER."

SURE, IF I CAN HELP OUT, I WILL. 
BUT IF YOU NO LONGER DESERVE MY HELP
DUE TO BEING A COMPLETE TW@T... 
TO ME....

YOU CAN EXIT MY LIFE, P*SS OFF.

BUT ONCE I'VE HELPED PEOPLE
THEY TRY TO ACT LIKE I FKN OWE THEM THE HELP. 
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME
NOT REALIZING I DON'T OWE THEM SH*T. 

NOT ONLY DO I NOT OWE THEM SH*T
BUT WHAT DO THEY OWE ME, IF ANYTHING?

MAYBE THEY OWE IT TO ME
JUST TO NOT BE A TW@T. 
FOR A START. 

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE JUST TOLD
EVERYONE WHO EVER DISRESPECTED ME
BETRAYED ME, FKD ME AROUND
FOR ANY FKN REASON WHATSOEVER
TO P*SS OFF OUT OF MY LIFE
AND STAY TF AWAY FROM ME. 

FOR "FORGETTING EVERY TIME"
I EVER PULLED THROUGH FOR THEM, 
EVER BEEN SOLID, DECENT, KIND, CARING, 
EVEN LOVING TOWARDS THEM

FOR ALL THE DIRT I HAD DONE TO ME. 
JUST BECAUSE THEY FELT LIKE IT. 

YOU KNOW ALL THE THINGS I FEEL LIKE DOING?
BUT DO I DO THEM?

OR DO I JUST TELL EVERY FKTARD TO GO BE A FKTARD
TF AWAY FROM ME
WITH ALL THE OTHER FKTARDS
THEY WANT TO BE A FKTARD WITH?

THAT I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY ROOM IN MY LIFE
FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BE A FKTARD. 

ESPECIALLY AFTER EVERYTHING I EVER DID FOR THEM, EVER.
A LOT WENT UNAPPRECIATED. 
I WENT UNAPPRECIATED. 

ALL THE FKN DIRT I NEVER THOUGHT I'D HAVE TO DEAL WITH. 
BUT I CHOSE TO DEAL WITH FKTARDS... 
THINKING ONE DAY THEY MIGHT GET TIRED
OF BEING A FKTARD
AND REALIZE WHAT A FKTARD THEY WERE BEING
AND THAT I'D GET TIRED OF THEM BEING FKTARDS. 

I'm thinking of it this way:
Sometimes immature af people don't realize
HOW FKN IMMATURE THEY ACTUALLY ARE
BECAUSE THEY ARE SO IMMATURE
THEY DON'T HAVE THE MATURITY
TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS. 

AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CAN WISH
FOR SOMEONE TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS... 

YOU CANNOT FORCE THEM TO. 

Someone put it to me a certain way, once. 
She said that they don't have the "capacity" for it. 

That capacity to fkn realize things etc. 
To "understand" things that shouldn't be so fkn hard to understand... 

So that people like me wouldn't have to write about this sh*t. 
BECAUSE IT WOULD JUST BE UNDERSTOOD
BY ALL. 
AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ATTEMPT
TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT 
MAKING A POINT ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO HAVE A POINT
MADE ABOUT IT. 
BY ME OR ANYONE. 

Like people thinking they can try to treat me like a fkn
PERSONAL ASSISTANT
WHILE LETTING ME DOWN
TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

TF WOULD I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT FOR?

IF YOU KNEW SOME BS
WOULD BE A HUGE FKN LET DOWN.... 
A HUGE FKN DISAPPOINTMENT
BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT FKN BETTER OF YOU
TO EVEN HAVE YOU IN THEIR LIFE
AT ALL... 

AND YOU GO AND DO THAT SH*T?

Had a chance to see the truth! Had a chance to listen!
Had a chance to respect me. 
Had a chance to make it easy for me to talk to you!
AND BE ON THE SAME DAMN PAGE... 

BUT IF YOU REFUSE TO SEE IT. 
WANTED TO TREAT ME LIKE I MEANT NOTHING, 
THEN, YEAH... IMMA BOUNCE TF OUT B*TCHES.

WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO BE WHERE I'M
RESPECTED?!
APPRECIATED!!!
VALUED!!!!
CARED ABOUT!!!!

NOT DONE DIRTY!!!!!

Done dirty so many times that I do not want to try anymore. 
I don't want to give to someone
TO GET SLAPPED IN THE FACE
OR PUNCHED IN THE HEAD. 
OR FKN XYZ... 

LIKE EVERY TIME I GIVE SOMEONE A CHANCE, 
THEY HAVE THE CHANCE
TO SHOW ME A NEW FKN LOW. 

AND THIS ISN'T "HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?"
THIS IS "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO STAND TF UP, P*SS OFF."

NOT JUST STAND UP FOR ME, 
STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES, 
STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT. 

THAT BS WAS NOT FKN RIGHT. 

IT BUGS ME TO HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE TO P*SS OFF.
AND AT THAT POINT IT GOT TO A POINT
THAT I FKN HAD TO. 

DO I WANT TO? NO. 
BUT IF I GET TO THAT POINT, P*SS OFF. 

I'D RATHER BE ALONE THAN BE AROUND
A BUNCH OF FKTARDS. 
IMMATURE FKTARDS. 

Like take that fktard sh*t somewhere else. Right?
Who tf has time for fktard sh*t?

FKTARDS PLAY GAMES. 
FKTARDS WASTE TIME.

And get laughed at.

BY EVERYONE WHO WANTED HIM TO BE/ACT
LIKE A SH*T TO ME. 

BECAUSE THEY ARE FKTARDS TOO. 
FKTARDS WANT OTHERS TO BE FKTARDS TOO. 
FOR THEIR OWN GAINS EVEN. 

AND IT BUGS ME TO HAVE TO EVEN SAY THAT, TOO. 
TO HAVE TO SAY ANY OF THIS. 

But may as well just say what's on my mind, right?

Maybe if I say it, and someone reads it, 
it might click in there... Somewhere, somehow. 

AND HOPEFULLY I'D ONLY HAVE TO SAY IT ONCE. 

BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE ONLY WANTED
TO SAY IT ONCE.

MAYBE THEY WOULD LIKE TO NOT HAVE TO SAY
CERTAIN THINGS. 

BECAUSE HOW THEY THINK, ACT, ARE
SPEAKS ENOUGH ABOUT
WHO THEY ARE 
AND WTF THEY ARE ABOUT
AND NOT ABOUT... 

SHOULD SPEAK ENOUGH ABOUT IT. 

AND MAYBE WHAT I WANTED
WAS FOR THEM TO JUST FKN SEE, UNDERSTAND
AND FKN KNOW THAT.
THE TRUTH FOR THE TRUTH. 

SO WHY CHANGE YOUR MIND
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN WANT TO DEFEND ME?
TO WANT TO DEFEND MY NAME
AFTER ALL THAT FKN BS?

THAT THEY ALLOWED
AND CHOSE NOT TO SEE FOR WHAT IT WAS?

CHOSE NOT TO LISTEN? TO CARE?

SO I CAN CHOOSE NOT TO FKN BE THERE. 
FK THAT SH*T. 

FK WHAT EVERYONE WANTS AND EXPECTS
WHILE NOT CARING WHAT LITTLE I WANTED?

WHY THE "CHANGE OF HEART"?

LIKE WHEN IRON HEART CAME BACK THE FIRST TIME. 
AFTER DITCHING ME THE FIRST TIME. 

SAYING HE MISSED OUR TALKS... 

WASN'T ABOUT ME, WAS OUR TALKS?

BUT I CANNOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. 
NOT ANYMORE. 

What I'm saying is that I trusted that guy, too. 
I OPENED UP TO HIM MORE
THAN PRETTY MUCH ANYONE
IN A VERY LONG TIME. 

SURE, THERE WAS SOME ATTRACTION, THERE. 
ON MY PART. 

I NEVER EXPECTED THAT TO BE MUTUAL. 
I NEVER EXPECTED FOR IT TO BE ANYTHING, 

BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL
HAD IT MEANT SOMETHING. 

ENOUGH NOT TO D*TCH TWICE. 

FORGAVE IT THE FIRST TIME, 
BECAUSE FOR ME, IT WAS ABOUT HIM,
OR I WOULDN'T HAVE FKN BOTHERED. 

FOR WHAT IT IS WORTH, OR WAS WORTH, 
IT WAS WORTH SOMETHING TO ME. 

OR HAD HE TRIED TO COME BACK
THE FIRST TIME
HE COULD HAVE FOUND HIMSELF
REMOVED AND BLOCKED. 

AFTER ALL, WANTED NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH ME, 
RIGHT?

FOR WHAT? OVER WHAT?

The conversations were nice, sure. 
BUT I WAS TALKING WITH HIM. 
NOT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. 

THAT "INTIMACY" WASN'T "FAKE."
NOT ON MY END.

HAD IT MEANT ANYTHING,
IT COULD HAVE. DIDN'T. 

OR? HE'D HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY HELLO?
"SORRY, A***, FOR DOING THAT TO YOU, 
TWICE, LIKE YOU MEANT NOTHING TO ME
AT ALL."

AND SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A FKN FOOL
KNOWING THAT IF THEY FKN DO IT ONCE, 
THEY CAN TURN AROUND AND DO IT AGAIN. 

BUT WHY NOT DEVALUE ME AS A PERSON
WHO APPARENTLY MEANT VERY LITTLE
IF ANYTHING
TO YOU. 

BUT "MISSED OUR CONVERSATIONS."

YOU THINK I DIDN'T FKN MISS YOU?
LEFT LIKE THAT? DA FUQ?
TWICE? DA FUQ?

Like letting him come back into my life
after ditching me that first time... 

I did because I fkn missed him... 
BUT HE MISSED OUR CONVERSATIONS....

SEEMS I HAVE A PATTERN FOR IT. 

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE JUST LET HIM HAVE THAT.
"WELP, THANKS FOR MISSING OUR CONVERSATIONS, 
BUT WE COULD HAVE BEEN HAVING A WHOLE LOT OF THEM... 
HAD YOU NOT JUST STOPPED TALKING TO ME. 
LIKE YOU DID.
SO I WISH YOU WELL IN YOUR LIFE,
BUT YOU CAN'T JUST DO THAT AND EXPECT TO
FIND ME WHERE YOU LEFT ME."

AND I COULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT. 
BECAUSE FK THEM FOR DOING THAT SH*T.

THEN THINKING THEY CAN JUST COME RIGHT BACK... 
LIKE NOTHING CHANGED... 

AND THEY CAN STILL BE ABOUT THE SAME SH*T. 
WELP, THEY CAN'T. 

BECAUSE I'M NOT HERE FOR IT.

"THANKS FOR THINKING OF ME
FOR XYZ REASONS, BUT YOU WERE NOT
THINKING OF ME
WHEN YOU XYZ."

It shouldn't take someone's life falling apart
without me in it for them to realize
that I actually contributed
and would have kept contributing, 
HAD THEY NOT XYZ. 

AND THEY HAD THE CHOICE WHETHER THEY WOULD XYZ.
WHETHER THEY WANTED TO XYZ.
WHETHER IT WAS WORTH XYZ TO XYZ.

THEY HAD THE CHOICE TO THINK ABOUT XYZ. 
WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES MIGHT BE. 

LIKE ME TELLING HIM TO P*SS OFF. 

WHY WOULD I WELCOME YOU AFTER XYZ?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE AFTER YOU XYZ?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?
REACTING TO XYZ LIKE THEY WANTED ME TO?
TO "RAGE OUT" AND "LOSE MY SH*T"
FOR EVERYONE TO SEE HOW "CRAZY" I AM?
IMAGINE CATCHING ONTO THAT
A LONG TIME AGO?

IN HIGH SCHOOL, EVEN. 

But what bugs me about Iron Heart... 

IS HE LIKELY KNEW I WOULD FKN MISS HIM
BECAUSE I DID TELL HIM HE MEANT SOMETHING TO ME. 

WHAT BUGS ME IS HOW MUCH I TRUSTED HIM. 
NOT TO BE A GUY WHO'D DO THAT.

AND DEFINITELY NOT TWICE. 

IF HE EVER TRIED TO COME BACK INTO MY LIFE, 
AND IF I EVER LET HIM COME BACK INTO MY LIFE, 

IF HE DID IT A THIRD TIME, I WOULDN'T WANT TO ANYMORE. 

AFTER BOTH TIMES, NOW, WOULD I?

I ask myself this because it did actually mean something to me. 

MAYBE BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM. 
Maye because I wanted to trust him. 
And I never fkn had to. 

It just doesn't make me want to trust anymore. 
NO MATTER HOW NICE OUR CONVERSATIONS
EVER WERE... 

No matter how nice "feelings" ever were... 

AND I KNEW THAT IF I FKN LET MYSELF FKN FEEL
ANYTHING FOR THE GUY HE WOULD FKN DO THAT SH*T. 

That's why a huge part of me really didn't fkn want to. 

I really don't want to fkn feel fkn anything for anyone. 
Except just focus on family, that's it. 
AS EVERYONE KNOWS MY FAMILY DOESN'T FOCUS ON ME. 
I'M THE STORAGE UNIT, THE THIS, THE THAT, 
BIG SISTER ETC. 
THAT'S IT. 

BUT THE WAY I'VE BEEN TREATED.... TF WOULD I WANT
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE?

EVEN TO HELP THEM?
JUST TO SAY I DID?
JUST SO THEY CAN'T FKN SAY I DIDN'T?

JUST SO THEY CAN BE A SH*T
AND TRY TO BLAME ME FOR THEM BEING  A SH*T?

SHOULD I HAVE DONE THAT TO HIM? THO?
AFTER HIM OPENING UP TO ME
AS MUCH AS I DID TO HIM?

WASN'T HIS FAULT THAT I DID.
THAT I TRUSTED HIM ENOUGH TO. 
THAT WAS MY FAULT. THAT I DID. 

BECAUSE I NEVER FKN HAD TO. 

But I let myself be attracted to the guy. 
I let myself trust him enough to open up to him. 

MOST OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE TRUSTED ENOUGH
TO OPEN UP TO
HAVE FKN DISAPPOINTED ME
IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER. 

"HERE I AM, NO I'M NOT."
MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
OR I WILL HAVE TO JUST FKN END THAT.

NOT "HOPE" FOR HIM TO FIGURE OUT
IF IT MATTERED TO HIM OR NOT.

BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T, COOL.

BE UPFRONT ABOUT IT. 
AT THE VERY LEAST. 

THAT YOU JUST WANTED TO XYZ, TOO. 

BECAUSE AT LEAST I CAN RESPECT THAT.

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, I AM A REAL PERSON.
IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE IN MY LIFE, 
THEN P*SS ALL THE WAY OFF. 
AT THE VERY FKN LEAST. 

BUT AT THIS TIME I DON'T REALLY WANT TO
OPEN UP MY LIFE TO LET JUST ANYONE IN.
PEOPLE I LET IN THINKING THEY WOULDN'T XYZ...
WHY THEY'D LET ME DOWN, LIKE THAT, 
I DON'T KNOW. 

BUT HAD I BEEN THE ONE TO DO THE SAME, 
I'D HAVE LET THEM DOWN.

At least the guy who was bugging me about his refund stopped. 
At least for the time being. 

I told him that it is his responsibility and his refund
and that I AM NOT HIS PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

Also, contacting me wouldn't make it go any faster.

Why stress ME out about YOUR refund?
DO I NEED THAT SH*T?
DO I NEED ANY EXTRA SH*T?

I ALREADY DID EVERYTHING I COULD, DUDE.

AND WHAT DID YOU DO?
YOU DIDN'T RESPECT THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO FK YOU. 
SO YOU FKN SHOWED ME YOUR DK. 

AFTER TELLING YOU I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX.
AFTER WANTING ME TO WATCH A VIDEO
I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO FKN WATCH. 

DISTURBING SH*T LIKE THAT.
AND YOU WANT ME TO CARE ABOUT YOUR REFUND?

AND IF HE IS TRYING THAT SH*T WITH ME, 
WHO ELSE IS HE DOING THAT SH*T TO?
JUST ME? DA FUQ?

At least now, I don't have to find anyone to take over for me. 

And I was even going to do that. 
Just to not leave him hanging.

But it is better this way.

Because had I found someone else and he was weird with them, too...
And it'd be my fault for putting them in there... 

Knowing how he was being with me... 

Cool that he liked me, but he liked me for selfish reasons. 
I'm not cool with that sh*t. 

Was trying to manipulate me into marriage ffs. Da fuq?
Wanted us to be living together. 

AFTER LIVING WITH MIRROR SMASHER
I REALLY DO NOT WANT ANYONE IN MY SPACE.

I GAVE HIM THE CHANCE TO RESPECT ME, 
AND THE FACT I WAS SHARING MY PLACE.
AND EVERYTHING I FKN HAD, WITH HIM. 

BUT YOU TAKE SOMEONE'S HELP FOR GRANTED, 
THEY DO NOT HAVE TO FKN DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

SOMEONE WHO CARED ENOUGH TO WANT TO HELP. 
FOR THEIR SAKE, NOT MINE.
AT MY OWN EXPENSE, EVEN. 

BUT AT WHAT PRICE? AND WHAT'S WORTH IT?
AND WHAT'S NOT?

And if anyone knew me, they would know what I'm not willing
to sacrifice. Especially for bs.

Not anymore, because I did. For too long. 
Much longer than I ever should have. 

Now, people who want to be/act like that
CAN TAKE THAT SH*T SOMEWHERE ELSE, 
TO SOMEONE ELSE. 

IT SHOULDN'T TAKE EVERYTHING GOING WRONG
BLOWING UP IN THEIR FACE
FOR THEM TO WANT TO TURN AROUND
AND DECIDE TO DO "THE RIGHT THINGS"
AFTER LITERALLY REFUSING TO.

AND THEN WANTING MY RESPECT?
AFTER XYZ?

INTENTIONALLY CHOOSING XYZ.
NOT ACCIDENTALLY CHOOSING IT.

WANT TO XYZ AND EXPECT ME TO STILL HAVE
RESPECT FOR YOU?

DID YOU HAVE ENOUGH RESPECT FOR ME
NOT TO XYZ?

BECAUSE CHOOSING XYZ SAYS YOU DIDN'T. 

IF YOU RESPECTED ME, 
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE XYZ. 

But egotistical guys think they are all that. 
AND SOMEHOW I OWE THEM WHAT THEY WANT
WHILE GETTING SHAT ON. 
LIKE I DON'T FKN MATTER. 

I DGAF IF A GUY IS "HOT"
IF HE IS A FKN TW@T, 
THERE IS NOTHING ATTRACTIVE ABOUT HIM.

ESPECIALLY SINCE HE CHOOSES THAT SH*T. 

AND EVEN BEING "HOT" FADES. 
AND WHAT ARE YOU LEFT WITH? ANYTHING?
SMARTS? WISDOM? RESPECT?

BECOMING WISE MEANS LEARNING. 
WANTING TO LEARN. 

MEANS FKN LISTENING. 

BECAUSE YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING. 
SOMETHING YOU CAN USE. 
SOMETHING USEFUL. 
FOR REASONS THAT IT IS USEFUL. 

AND STILL UP TO YOU HOW YOU USE IT.

MY EX COULD HAVE USED THE FACT I WAS UPSET
TO FIGURE OUT WHY I WAS UPSET. 
AND RESPECTED ME FOR HOW I FELT. 
INSTEAD OF CONTINUING TO INSULT ME, ETC. 

A lot of people could have done a lot of things. 
AND COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO XYZ.

COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO BE A TW@T. 
NOT TO BE/ACT LIKE A SH*T.

AND IF HE WANTS TO GO BE WITH PEOPLE
WHO ARE AND ACT LIKE SH*TS, 
THAT IS HIS BUSINESS. 

BUT HE CAN'T COME CRYING TO ME
FOR MY SYMPATHY AFTER ALL THIS SH*T.

It'd be like me doing all that sh*t to him
and then "realizing" something after HE WALKED AWAY FROM ME
AND THEN WANTING TO BE BACK
IN HIS LIFE... 

LIKE NOTHING FKN HAPPENED!

HOW FKN INSULTING IS THAT SH*T?!
VERY?!

EXCUSE ME FOR NOT WANTING TO BE INSULTED, 
REPEATEDLY. 

WOULD YOU WANT TO BE INSULTED?
AT ALL? LET ALONE LIKE THAT?

PUTTING YOUR LIFE ON HOLD
FOR THAT SH*T?

And sometimes I feel like that's what dating was, for me.
Putting my life on hold
to be devalued, insulted, xyz.

Not even just dating, but dating included. 

I don't expect to be anyone's "dream girl"
or for anyone to even stick around
or even not let me down, at this point. 

But they outright fkn insult me, etc, 
AND EXPECT ME TO JUST BE RIGHT THERE
LIKE I WAS BEFORE?
LIKE THAT NEVER HAPPENED?
DA FUQ?

"SORRY."
DA FUQ I WANT "SORRY" ALL THE FKN TIME?

SORRY FOR WHAT, THOUGH?
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAY IT, 
SAY WHAT YOU ARE SAYING SORRY FOR. 
FOR YOURSELF OR FOR ME?

BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO BE SORRY FOR YOURSELF, 
YOU CAN BE SORRY FOR YOURSELF
WITHOUT ME.

LIKE CAN'T EVEN BE SORRY FOR ME. 
NOT FEELING SORRY FOR ME, 
BUT SAYING SORRY, AND MEANING IT
FOR MY SAKE, 
NOR THEIR OWN FFS.

BUT IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO DO XYZ
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE XYZ
IN THE FIRST PLACE
AND NOTHING TO BE "SORRY" ABOUT.