September 16th Part 2

 Today, I went to the library to use the internet. I didn't get a lot done today. 

I mostly wrote and listened to some stuff. 

I kept my farts in until the people around me left... 

When it was just me, I let a few rip LOL.

So quiet that I'm pretty sure someone heard me...

BUT THEY'D HAVE TO PROVE IT. 

NOBODY SAID: "HEY! DID YOU JUST FART?!"

Also.... NOBODY SAID: "HEY YOU! NO FARTING IN THE LIBRARY!"

Anyway... I was there for a few hours. 

Didn't get a lot done this time, though. 

It was mostly to let people know that I don't have internet at home right now.

And that I have to concentrate on other things. 

I have to get my other blog rocking and rolling... 

I have to put some ads on my site... 

Just a bunch of stuff I have to do... 

I also wished my Aunt a happy birthday in advance. 

In case I miss her birthday.

Since I don't have internet right now. 

Watched some tarot videos... 

Anyway... I have to work on those blog posts... 

At least I didn't fart when there were people around me... 

I'm polite enough not to do that. 

NOBODY WANTS TO DEAL WITH MY FARTS.

Imagine blasting @ss next to a stranger? LOL!

Anyway, as I was saying... 

There are things I have to work on, for me.

Things that don't have to do with "people from my past."

THEY ARE IN MY PAST

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T ACT

LIKE THEY WANTED TO BE IN MY PRESENT

OR MY FUTURE. 

THAT WAS THEIR CHOICE. 

But I'm "toxic" for letting them make that CHOICE. 

AND MAKING THEM STAND ON IT. 

THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED, RIGHT?

SO KEEP THAT CHOICE THAT YOU MADE. 

BECAUSE: COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO. 

Been watching "Leave It To Beaver."

Used to watch it with my Grandparents...

It used to be on TV.

We watched it while eating lunch. 

I was a pre-teen in those days. 

I downloaded the entire series. 

I'm on season 2 now... 

There are 6 seasons...

That era.... Seemed simple.

Uncomplicated in many ways. 

A lot has changed since then... 

Not everything changed in good ways, though.

Manners out the window.

Courtesy out the window.

BASIC REGARD OUT THE WINDOW.

There's a few episodes that stood out. 

One was where Beaver thought Mrs. Cooper was a witch. 

Thought her house was haunted and the kids around

thought so, too. 

Because her house was empty for 15 years... 

An old house and she's an old lady...

And Beaver's like 8 or 9 in season 2...

Easy for a KID to think all kinds of things... 

Even that a place is haunted and someone's a witch...

Anyway, near the end of that episode...

Beaver realizes she isn't a witch, 

just a regular person... 

Asks Ward: "Why do people think other people

are something they aren't?"

The episode is called "The Haunted House."

It's actually the house that was used as 

THE MUNSTER HOUSE.

THE SHOW CALLED THE MUNSTERS.

Anyway... Some of the sets were used for other shows. 

I thought I recognized that house... I did.

Just didn't realize from where. 

What actually p*ssed me off.

BESIDES TREATING ME LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT...

ACTUALLY, WORSE THAN AN AFTERTHOUGHT

WAS LYING TO ME AND ABOUT ME.

AND BELIEVING WHATEVER BS ABOUT ME

FOR THEM TO TREAT ME LIKE THEY DID.

BECAUSE IF THEY HAD NO "REASON" TO....

WOULD THEY HAVE? AT ALL?

THAT'S WHAT P*SSED ME OFF.

AND THEN TRYING TO ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!

"I FORGOT I TREATED A*** LIKE SH*T."

A*** DID NOT FORGET.

AND A*** DIDN'T DESERVE IT.

AND STILL DOESN'T. 

HOPING THAT I'D FORGET. I DIDN'T.

AND IT'S USUALLY THE ONES I NEVER THOUGHT

EVER WOULD TREAT ME LIKE THAT!

MAYBE THAT P*SSES ME OFF, TOO.

BECAUSE TRUSTING SOMEONE NOT TO XYZ....

AND THEY GO AHEAD AND DO IT....

JUST.... 

Not only is that disappointing...

Or frustrating...

IT'S TAKING A SH*T ON MY TRUST.

WOULD THEY WANT ME TO SH*T ON THEIR TRUST?

LIKE THEY DID TO ME?

TAKEN FOR GRANTED TOO MANY TIMES, TOO.

ON TOP OF HAVING MY TRUST SHAT ON...

LIKE I WAS "ALWAYS" SUPPOSED TO BE THERE

NO MATTER HOW ANYONE TREATED ME... 

NO. FK THAT.

FK EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT

THEY COULD JUST TREAT ME SH*TTILY... 

AND THOUGHT I'D BE THERE REGARDLESS.

LIKE MY EX WANTED TO GET BACK TOGETHER....

AFTER PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD.

I TRUSTED HIM NOT TO DO THAT SH*T.

AND HE GAVE HIMSELF AN EXCUSE TO DO IT, AND DID IT.

DID HE HAVE TO? NO.

HE COULD HAVE JUST DID HIS FKN JOB.

THAT'S WHAT WE WERE "FIGHTING" ABOUT.

ABOUT WORK AT WORK.

AND HAD THERE BEEN SOMEONE TO WATCH HIM.

HE WOULDN'T HAVE SLACKED SO MUCH.

WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SITTING ON HIS @SS

WATCHING ME WORK.

HE WOULD HAVE BEEN WORKING, TOO. 

THAT WAS THE POINT. 

HE WASN'T BECAUSE HE EXPECTED ME TO LET HIM SLACK. 

AND THERE WAS NOBODY TO TELL HIM

TO FKN DO HIS JOB. 

DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN TO ME. 

WANTED TO REPEATEDLY INSULT ME.

THEN ASSAULTED ME.

WHEN HE EXPECTED ME NOT TO DO ANYTHING

ABOUT THE INSULTS ETC. 

KNEW I WAS ALREADY UPSET.

INSTEAD OF "WHY ARE YOU UPSET?"

HE MADE IT WORSE THAN IT NEEDED TO BE.

THEY TREAT ME LIKE BEING UPSET IS THE ISSUE.

NOT THE ACTUALLY ISSUE.

NOTHING ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE DOING OR NOT DOING. 

JUST DEFLECT ALL THAT SH*T ONTO ME. RIGHT?

"A***'S ACTING LIKE A B*TCH."

WHY THOUGH?

BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FKN PUT UP WITH

ANYONE'S SH*T. 

"I'M GOING TO BE FKN IMMATURE TO A***, 

EXPECT HER TO DEAL WITH IT

AND WHEN SHE DOES DEAL WITH IT....

SHE'S THE PROBLEM FOR HOW SHE DEALS WITH IT."

ALL MY FKN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOES THAT MAKE ME WANT TO JUMP INTO 

ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP?

FOR THE SAKE OF NOT BEING "ALONE"?

IT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO FKN DATE ANYMORE. 

WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

IN THE "HOPE" THAT SOMEONE WON'T XYZ?

IN THE LAST 12 YEARS....

I'VE TRUSTED.... I CARED... I TRIED...

I WANTED FAIRNESS...

SIMPLE THINGS...

WITH PEOPLE I THOUGHT WOULDN'T XYZ.

BUT THEY DID.

AND THEY CHOSE TO DO IT.

YES! I BLAME PEOPLE FOR THEIR OWN CHOICES!

AND I'M "TOXIC" FOR THAT!

BUT I DGAF. THEY ARE TO BLAME

FOR THEIR OWN CHOICES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'D BE TO BLAME FOR MY OWN CHOICES.

LIKE GOING BACK TO ANYONE

WHO ALREADY EXPECTED ME

TO PUT UP WITH SH*T I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO ETC. 

REGARDLESS OF THEIR EXCUSES AND BS. 

THAT WOULD BE MY CHOICE. 

IF I MADE THAT CHOICE....

THAT WOULD BE ON ME.

LIKE WHEN I DIDN'T MAKE MIRROR SMASHER

STAND ON HIS BS. LIKE I SHOULD HAVE.

AND DID HE TREAT ME BETTER?

ONLY WHEN HE FELT LIKE IT?

OR WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME?

THEN "DISAPPEARED" AGAIN?

AND TREATED ME WORSE AND WORSE

UNTIL I TOLD HIM TO GO FK HIMSELF. 

AND THAT STUPID C*NT, TOO.

FK HER SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD, TOO. 

AND THE OTHER C*NTS TOO. 

ONE HUGE GAME OF "KEEP AWAY."

"KEEP HIM AWAY FROM A***."

AND IF HE REALIZED THAT....

WOULD HE HAVE LET IT HAPPEN?

ANY OF IT?

OR WOULD HE HAVE STILL BEEN A D*CK?

IMAGINE TREATING SOMEONE...

THE WAY I GOT TREATED....

AND EXPECTING THEM TO JUST TAKE IT

AND STILL BE THERE?

LOTS OF PEOPLE CAN SAY ALL KINDS OF THINGS ABOUT ME....

BUT DO THEY KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH

TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME?

THINKING SOMETHING ABOUT ME...

ISN'T THE SAME THING AS KNOWING SOMETHING ABOUT ME!

IMAGINE THAT!?

INSTEAD OF "A***'S UNDERSTANDABLY UPSET...."

I'M WHATEVER THEY WANT TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE.

SO THEY CAN FEEL BETTER....

ABOUT WHATEVER THEY DID OR DIDN'T DO

THAT P*SSED ME OFF... 

USUALLY SOMETHING RELATED TO TREATING ME LIKE SH*T

AND TAKING ME FOR GRANTED.

THOSE THINGS P*SS ME OFF! THEY DO!

BECAUSE: THEY CHOSE TO!

AND DIDN'T HAVE TO!

WANTED TO!

OR THEY WOULDN'T!

NOW THEY DON'T GET TO!

BECAUSE I'M NOT THERE TO TREAT LIKE SH*T.

OR TO TAKE FOR GRANTED. 

NOT ANYMORE. 

DON'T WANT TO BE, EITHER!

"SHE'S NOT MARRIED YET...

SHE MUST BE DESPERATE OR SOMETHING...

SO I CAN TREAT HER LIKE XYZ

AND SHE'LL JUST TAKE IT."

"SHE WON'T STOP WANTING ME..."

WHATEVER TF THEY THOUGHT ABOUT ME....

THEY CAN SHOVE THAT.

September 16th part 1

Been blogging, but not posting, so I'll do a big dump of posts I wrote...

September 16th 1:

It used to drive me nuts...

Not being understood....

But the people who do understand me...

Know me pretty well.

Know me well enough to understand me. 

No matter how I tried explaining certain things....

I can't understand it FOR anyone. 

I can't force them to SEE anything about me....

About what I'm saying...

OR WHY I SAID IT.

IF THEY KNEW THOSE THINGS, 

THEY'D KNOW ME BETTER.

BUT THEY DON'T THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

AND SEE IT THROUGH THEIR VIEWS. 

NOT THROUGH MINE. 

THEY DON'T THINK LIKE I DO. 

SO THEY WON'T SEE SPECIFIC THINGS. 

I CAN'T SEE IT FOR THEM. 

Maybe some things I see easily are hard for some. 

If that's the case, it is... 

But to me, if it's PLAIN TO SEE.

I think it should be PLAIN TO SEE. 

Doesn't mean it is... 

For everyone... 

But just because I can see some things....

Doesn't mean everyone sees it the way I do.

Just because something makes sense to me....

Doesn't mean it makes sense to everyone. 

I don't know why something that should be very easy to understand...

Just isn't understood. 

I used to think: "If I can see this.... Why can't they?"

Because if they could... We could....

JUST TALK!

BUT COULD WE? EVER?

OR WAS EVERY ATTEMPT TO JUST BE UNDERSTOOD....

WAS AN "ARGUMENT" ABOUT WHAT I REMEMBER.

OR HOW I FEEL AND WHY.

ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!

ALL THE TIME!

BECAUSE THEY HAD TO BE "RIGHT" 

ABOUT SOMETHING AND SOMEONE THEY NEVER UNDERSTOOD?

AND ABOUT HOW I WAS EVEN BEING TREATED!

LIKE THEY DIDN'T CARE!

WHY NOT "ARGUE" ABOUT THAT, TOO?!

JUST TO DO IT!

LIKE I SIGNED UP FOR THAT SH*T OR SOMETHING?

OR COULD THEY HAVE SEEN IT AS THOUGH

I WAS DOING THAT SH*T TO THEM....

TO UNDERSTAND HOW THEY WOULD FEEL ABOUT IT...???

ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME?

ABOUT MY OWN MEMORIES AND FEELINGS?

ASSOCIATED WITH THOSE MEMORIES?

SHOULDN'T IT BE "UNDERSTOOD" THAT DOING THAT IS BS?

BECAUSE IT IS!

ACCEPTING THAT AND ME WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL...

BUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO TRUST SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T?

If they don't understand ABC...

Will they understand DEF?

Or GHI?

Or JKL?

Or MNOP?

Probably not!

They need ABC to get to MNOP!

Were they supposed to get to MNOP?

Without ABC?

Or DEF?

Or GHI?

Or JKL?

WOULD MNOP MAKE ANY SENSE WITHOUT THOSE?

OR WOULD IT JUST BE MNOP BY ITSELF?

WITH NO CONTEXT?

The thing is... To understand things about me...

THEY WOULD HAVE TO KNOW ME.

BUT THEY DON'T.

I AM THE CONTEXT ABOUT MYSELF. 

IF THEY HAVE NO CONTEXT....

WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW

AND UDERSTAND ABOUT ME?

ANYTHING?

I used to think:

If they UNDERSTOOD...

THEY WOULD COOPERATE!

THEY WOULD TREAT ME BETTER!

THE WAY THEY COULD HAVE!

THE FIRST TIME!

THAT'S WHY IT USED TO BOTHER ME SO MUCH!

BUT IT JUST SHOWS THAT... 

SOME PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO UNDERSTAND

AND WANT TO...

AND SOME AREN'T AND DON'T. 

SOME PEOPLE RUN ON WHAT THEY "KNOW"

OR THINK THEY KNOW. 

EVEN WHEN THERE IS MORE TO ME

AND MORE TO THINGS 

THAN WHAT THEY "KNEW"

OR THOUGHT THEY KNEW. 

IF SOMEONE NEVER KNEW ME

BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO....

HOW CAN THEY THINK THEY DO?

THEY DON'T!

SO HOW CAN THEY SAY I'M XYZ?

THEY ONLY THINK I AM. 

IF THEY ACTUALLY KNEW ME....

THEY'D KNOW ME!

BUT THEY DON'T!

TOO BUSY FIGHTING WITH ME

EVERY DAMN TIME I EXPRESSED MYSELF!

"A*** WANTS TO FIGHT...

A***'S VOLATILE.... (LOSING HER PATIENCE)...

MANIPULATIVE (WANTS ME TO SEE SOMETHING I DON'T SEE)...

A***'S TOXIC (BRUTALLY HONEST).

AM I SUPPOSED TO BE BRUTALLY DISHONEST?

Layers...

It's getting colder these days... 
I've started with the layers...
Today was decent, though, didn't need them. 
Was way warm on the way to the library. 

Going to try to make a habit of coming once a week, at least. 

There's a lot I've accepted... 
If I didn't, it'd still p*ss me off... 

Without accountability, there's a lot of uselessness. 

Without the filter, gaslighting, and "playing victim."
THAT IS THE TRUTH. 

WANTED TO PUSH ME AWAY. DID THAT.
TWICE.

SO WHAT COULD HE WANT? 
FROM ME?

Do I want anyone to want something from me?
Depends, I guess. 

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE SELFISH. 
THEY WOULDN'T WANT ME TO BE SELFISH, EITHER.

There's no LOYALTY. NONE.
SO WHY WOULD THERE BE TRUST?

No accountability, no regret, nothing. 

So they can get what they gave me from whoever. 
ALL THAT BS.

WHY WOULD I STAND FOR THAT SH*T?

Yes, I held his FEET TO THE FIRE. 
AND MAYBE, ONE DAY, HE WILL "UNDERSTAND" WHY.

MAYBE I WAS THE ONLY ONE. 

At least he didn't "bring me into" his sh*t... 
SINCE I'M NOT IN HIS LIFE. 

I was spared of that, I guess.
SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR IT, TOO.

Sure, things didn't go as I had hoped... 
BUT... HE PLAYED BS GAMES.

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL HE KNOWS. 

"RESISTING THE LESSON."
Because had he LEARNED....
HE WOULD HAVE LEARNED
THAT I DON'T FKN PLAY.

I was the one who "made things right."
I was the one who tried to fix things.
I was the one making the effort...

HE SHOULD BE ANGRY AT HIMSELF.
BECAUSE HE SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH THINGS
THAT HE INTENDED TO KEEP.

Should be looking for the value... 
INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH CYCLES. 

"IF YOU COULDN'T BE A BLESSING TO THEM, 
YOU HAD TO MOVE ON."

Yes, had to HEAL from all the GAMES.

BEEN FKN FED UP FOR A REALLY LONG TIME!
OF COURSE I'D BE P*SSED!

BECAUSE THEY NEVER HAD TO DO ME LIKE THAT.
RIGHT?

JUST THAT. THEY KNOW THAT. 
IF THEY DON'T, THEY NEVER KNEW ME.

Why would I be PROTECTING MYSELF?
WHY WOULD MY GUARD BE UP?

ALL THE WAY UP?
ANY REASON?

People who don't REFLECT.....
DEFLECT AND PROJECT.

THAT'S WHAT THEY KNOW HOW TO DO. 

I CHOOSE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM THAT SH*T. 
WHICH I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO.

I LOST HOPE THAT THINGS WOULD CHANGE.
BECAUSE THINGS COULD HAVE CHANGED.
A LONG TIME AGO.
THEY DIDN'T. 

So then? What's left?
ACCEPTING THAT NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
WHEN IT COMES TO THAT. 

"Sometimes hope can keep us stuck."

LOOK HOW LONG I HAD HOPED THAT MIRROR SMASHER
WOULD GROW TF UP! 

7 YEARS!

IF I LOST HOPE OF CHANGE SOONER....
WOULD I HAVE WASTED 7 YEARS?

Sometimes losing hope isn't a bad thing. 
SOMETIMES IT'S LOGICAL AND PRACTICAL. 
BECAUSE "LIFE MUST GO ON."
WITHOUT PEOPLE....

BECAUSE A "DISCUSSION" WON'T GO ANYWHERE.
NOTHING I SAID OR COULD HAVE DONE... 
WOULD HAVE CHANGED ANYTHING... 

OTHERWISE.... THINGS WOULD HAVE CHANGED.

THEY DIDN'T. 

There's no "space" to have a healthy conversation. 
IF I SAID ANYTHING TRUTHFUL... 
I'M "TOXIC" AS AN EXCUSE TO "BLOCK"
OR WHATEVER PROJECTIONS... 

HOW DARE I SAY SOMETHING
SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR!

HOW DARE I EXPRESS MYSELF
AND HOW I FEEL AND FELT!

PEOPLE FKN "PLAY FKN DUMB"
WHEN THEY KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. 

BUT INSTEAD OF BEING ALLOWED TO TALK.....
ABOUT ANYTHING.... 

I'M NOT! SO WHY FKN BOTHER?
SAME SH*T?
NO THANKS. 

I DON'T NEED ANYTHING FROM PEOPLE... 
I CAN'T FKN TALK TO!

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME "EXCUSE"
TO "BLAME ME" FOR THEIR INABILITY
TO HAVE A CONVERSATION. 

I GAINED MORE FROM THE DISTANCE.....
THAN WHATEVER BS THEY "NEEDED" TO PULL
TO "MAKE" ME THE "PROBLEM."

I'VE TAKEN THE "RESPONSIBILITY"
FOR PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T AND FKN WOULDN'T!
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS MINE TO TAKE!
EVER!

AND THEY CAN DO THE SAME THING....
WITH SOMEONE ELSE... 

THE SAME BS THINGS THEY NEVER HAD TO DO TO ME. 
TO SOMEONE ELSE.

THEN SOMEONE ELSE IS "THE PROBLEM."

My ex was trying to come at me with:
"A*** you're the common denominator of your failed relationships."

EXCUSE ME?
COMING FROM A DUDE WHO HAD ONLY ONE RELATIONSHIP
THAT HE FKN RUINED WITH ME. 

IF HE HADN'T, MAYBE WE WOULD BE TOGETHER!
RIGHT?

AND NO MATTER WHAT I SAY...
I'M GOING TO BE "ATTACKED" FOR SAYING IT....

BECAUSE NOBODY CAN FKN HAVE A HEALTHY
CONVERSATION ABOUT
WHAT THEY NEED TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR. 

IT'S EASIER TO JUST SH*T ALL OVER ME. 
FOR FKN EVERYTHING. 

SO THEY DO THAT TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR BS. 
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEIR BS ISN'T BS! IT IS!

If I got accountability for all the BS,
THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY MORE BS!

They wouldn't be trying to "make" me look bad
OF FEEL BAD....
FOR MERELY SAYING WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID. 

DID I DO ANYTHING "DESTRUCTIVE" TO HIM?
DID I HOLD A GRUDGE FOR 12 YEARS?
DID I "BLOCK" HIM INSTEAD OF TALKING TO HIM?
DID I "RUN AWAY" LIKE A LITTLE B*TCH?
AND TRY COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER?
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?

WAS I EVER GOING TO "GET ANYWHERE" WITH HIM?
IF I WAS... I WOULD HAVE!!!!
JUST THAT!

I can say the same for other dudes I've "dealt with."

THE CLOSURE: "IT WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE."
THAT'S THAT.

THE REASON: IF I CAN'T TALK TO YOU....
I DON'T FKN WANT TO!

DID I WANT TO "FIGHT"?
OR DID I WANT TO JUST BE FKN HEARD?
UNDERSTOOD?

BUT PROTECTING MYSELF FROM BS
MAKES ME "TOXIC" TOO! 

APPARENTLY!

PEOPLE WANT TO JUDGE ME.....
LISTENING TO THEM... 

ABOUT ME....
DON'T KNOW ME... 

BUT WHY WOULD I WANT TO REPEAT THAT?

TALKING TO HIM WAS A WASTE OF TIME... 
"HE HAS TO DEFEND HIMSELF BY BLAMING YOU."

THEY WON'T EVER SAY:
"I DID THIS, AND I DID THAT TO A***. IT WAS MY FAULT."

INSULT ME ENOUGH, P*SS ME OFF ENOUGH...
THEN YOU CAN GO FK YOURSELF. 

I AM NOT OBLIGATED TO PROVE MY WORTH. 
TO FKN ANYONE. 

I USED TO TRY HARD... HARDER THAN I SHOULD HAVE. 
JUST TO BE "VALUED."
BUT I NEVER FKN WAS. 

SO IT MADE ME NOT WANT TO TRY ANYMORE. 
BUT THEY SAW ME NOT TRYING ANYMORE... 

"THEY JUST THROW YOU AN EMOTIONAL $5."

IT WAS NEVER ABOUT WHO I WAS... 
IT WAS WHAT I COULD DO FOR THEM. 

WANTED ME TO "FIGHT FOR SOMEONE'S LOVE"
THAN JUST FKN BE MYSELF. 

"If they replace you, you were only there to fill a role."
IT WASN'T THAT THEY LOVED YOU. 

"IF THEY WANT YOU TO COMPETE"
IT WASN'T ABOUT LOVE.
OR VALUING YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. 

"They don't want to love you for you because they are afraid."
Okay. 

I'm not obligated to prove what I can do. 
BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THAT.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW ME
AS A PERSON. 

WHICH REQUIRED US TO TALK. 
AND SPEND TIME TOGETHER. 

WHICH WE WEREN'T DOING... 
BECAUSE OF THE CHOICES THEY MADE. 
REGARDING ME. 

Because we could have talked and CHILLED. 
LIKE WE USED TO. 

WHEN WE WERE SUPPOSEDLY FRIENDS... 
RIGHT?

WHERE WAS THE LOYALTY? THE RESPECT?
THE CONVERSATIONS?

THEY CAUSED THE DISTANCE. I HAD TO ACCEPT IT. 
IF I DIDN'T ACCEPT IT, THAT WOULD BE MY PROBLEM. 
NOT HIS. 

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T MAKE IT HIS PROBLEM
AFTER HE BOUNCED THE FIRST TIME. 

"IF I LEAVE SOME CRUMBS.... A*** WILL COME BACK."
WHAT???????????????? DA FUQ????????????

I'M NOT GOING TO POUR INTO SOMEONE
WHO DID NOT GAF ABOUT ME. 
AND MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT THEY DIDN'T. 

COULD IT HAVE BEEN ANY CLEARER?
THAN THAT?

WHY WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN OVER?
WHEN HE DISCARDED ME?

WHY WOULD I BE WAITING FOR 12 YEARS?

FOR WHAT? WHAT WOULD I BE WAITING FOR?
HAD I BEEN WAITING?

I'm worth MORE than that sh*t. 

I'm NOT PERFECT...
BUT I DON'T DO THAT SH*T. 

THAT'S WHAT P*SSED ME OFF....
WHY DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE WHO FKN WOULDN'T
DO THAT SH*T TO YOU?

IS THAT FAIR? NO?

Been fkn tired of all of that BS.....
FOR FKN YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.

PEOPLE MISHANDLING ME. 
THEIR SH*T. 

AND BLAMING ME FOR THEIR SH*T...

SHOULD I BLAME MY SH*T ON THEM?
OR SHOULD I HOLD THEIR FEET TO THE FIRE?

WHICH ONE IS HEALTHIER?

THEY WANTED TO TAKE A CHANCE.....
TURNING THEIR BACK ON ME....
THEY DID THAT. 

"THEY KNOW THEY HURT YOU WITHOUT CAUSE."
YES. THEY KNOW. 

HAD NO REAL "REASON." 
THEY JUST DID WHAT THEY DID. 

AND IS THAT...
SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME WANT TO TRUST THEM?

12 YEARS LATER? 
COULD I TRUST THEM 12 YEARS AGO?

IF I WAS FAKE.... I'D HAVE GONE INTO IT....
TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM HIM.
WANTING SOMETHING FROM HIM. 
WITH THE INTENT TO PLAY HIM. 

DID I DO THAT?
DID I "RETALIATE" AFTERWARD?

IF WHAT I "WANTED" WAS MORE "IMPORTANT"
THAN HE WAS TO ME... 

IT WOULD HAVE ONLY BEEN ABOUT WHAT I WANTED!

BUT WHAT HE SEEMS TO WANT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. 
SO HE IS ALLOWED TO WANT THAT.

I'M ALLOWED TO WANT THE ONLY THINGS I DID WANT. 
THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. 

HE WAS GOING TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T SOME MORE....
IF I GAVE HIM THE CHANCE TO DO IT. 
WITH THE SAME SH*T HE DID BEFORE. 

I COULD HAVE DONE A LOT WORSE THAN CALL HIM OUT.
A LOT WORSE THAN THAT. 

He knows that. I know that. You know that. 

IF I WAS "TOXIC," I WOULD HAVE DONE A LOT WORSE
THAN MERELY CALLING HIM OUT ON HIS SH*T. 

IF HE WANTS TO PLAY "SILENT TREATMENT" FOR 12 YEARS....
WHY SHOULD I EVEN SAY ANYTHING TO HIM?

I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT HIM IN HIS DUST.
HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID.

"YOU'RE TOXIC A***. I'M BLOCKING YOU AGAIN.
YOUR FAULT. LIKE ALWAYS. NEVER MINE, EVER.
MORE SILENT TREATMENT."

WHEN PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.....
THEY RUN AWAY. 

BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANYTHING FOR THEM TO SAY. 

COULD HAVE JUST.... TOLD THE TRUTH. RIGHT?
AND NOT FKD ME AROUND?

JUST THAT.

By Myself

It's funny how the only thing they could do is PROJECT.
THAT'S IT.

Couldn't play games, couldn't control me... 
Blocking me was a "form of control,"
BUT.... THE ONLY THING HE COULD DO.....
WAS PROJECT. 

THAT'S IT.

My control.... WAS LETTING HIM MOVE ON.
LIKE HE COULD HAVE DONE.

Because that's what I was supposed to do! Right?
So I did that.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THE DISTANCE
THAT HE CREATED.

I DID THAT. 

RIGHT?

I wasn't expecting him to TRY TO PLAY MORE. 
Definitely not after 12 years... 

They can't BE MAD that I don't want to reconnect....
AFTER ALL OF THAT.

CHANGING.... WOULD HAVE TO REQUIRE
AN EGO DEATH... 

"DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL"
SOUL SEARCHING. 

WOULD I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MAD?
IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO RECONNECT 
AFTER I DID ALL OF THAT?

NO!!!!!!! I'D HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT.

Am I not allowed to be doing well now?
FOR MYSELF?

"SOME PEOPLE ARE SO ROOTED IN EGO
THAT THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE"

THEY CAN FIND OUT BY THEMSELVES!

It wasn't ME he wanted access to.
OR HE WOULD HAVE TREATED ME WELL.
RIGHT?

IT WAS MY ENERGY HE WANTED ACCESS TO.
AND MITIGATION. 
WITHOUT WANTING TO ACTUALLY ADDRESS ANYTHING....

THEN WANTS TO BE MAD???? WHAT?????!!!!

WANTS TO "DEMONIZE" ME FOR CHANGING MY OWN LIFE
WITHOUT HIM.... 

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN IT! 
FOR 12 YEARS. RIGHT?

SO WHY BE MAD NOW?

PEOPLE WHO DO NOT DO "THE WORK"
CAN'T BE MAD AT THOSE WHO HAVE.

HE WANTED THE OLD VERSION OF ME.
WANTED TO GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE...
BUT.... WAS HE RESPECTING ME?
DID HE TREAT ME LIKE HE VALUED ME? NO?

Didn't. Could have. 

AND FOCUSING ON ME
AND WHAT I HAVE GOING ON NOW.....

ISN'T...

WHAT HE SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON... 

HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN GROWING TF UP!
WORKING ON HIMSELF. 

HE HAD 12 YEARS TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT?

IS IT MY FAULT HE DIDN'T?
AND ISN'T COMMITTED TO CHANGE?
AND WANTS TO "WIN AT ALL COSTS"
BY TALKING WHATEVER SH*T HE WANTS TO TALK?

I'll tell you what the projections are for....
To AFFECT me...

Nobody is "entitled" to come with me....
I'VE GOT THIS FAR ON MY OWN........

WHY? BECAUSE I FOCUS ON MY STUFF. 

"IT'S UNFAIR I CAN'T GO WITH A***."
Welp, could have.... BUT HOW DID HE TREAT ME?
WELL? OR LIKE SH*T?

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOU WITH THEM.

"THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW."
HOW ABOUT I KNOW....
THAT THEY.....
ARE....
DISLOYAL!

DISLOYAL PEOPLE DISCARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY WOULD I GO SOMEWHERE
THERE'S NOT EVEN LOYALTY?

WOULD THAT BE GOOD FOR ME? NO?

And the only times I walk away are when I HAVE TO.
NOT FOR CONTROL, NOT FOR GAMES, 
FOR ME.

AND I USUALLY GIVE MORE THAN 1 CHANCE....

AND WHEN I GET P*SSED OFF....
I ALREADY GAVE MORE THAN 1 CHANCE.

AND BECAUSE THEY KNEW BETTER!
THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING!

Wanted to slow me down and try to make me feel
LIKE ALL MY WORK WAS FOR NOTHING. 

ONE-SIDED COMPETITION. 

WAS I DOING ANYTHING BUT MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS?
WORKING ON MY THINGS? LIVING MY LIFE? NO?

Why would I expect someone who DISCARDED ME
to "return" or try to?

I WOULDN'T! RIGHT?
SO I WASN'T!

But when people think THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT
AND TREAT ME HOWEVER THEY WANT... 

AND JUST "REGAIN" THE SAME ACCESS THEY HAD....

NO.

IF I DID THAT SH*T......
NOBODY WOULD WANT TO BE AROUND ME!
AND I COULDN'T BE MAD, SHOCKED, SURPRISED....
OR ANYTHING!

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WOULD ACCEPT THAT SH*T....
DON'T RESPECT THEMSELVES....

I DO.

ENOUGH NOT TO DEAL WITH THAT SH*T. 
OR WANT TO.

IMAGINE IT, THOUGH....
BEING DISCARDED 12 YEARS AGO....
AND SUDDENLY..... "HERE I AM."

DENIAL FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH.....
ALL OF THAT.

"IF I MAKE A*** FEEL SMALL....
I CAN BE BIGGER."

CAN YOU IF I DON'T LET YOU?

"IF I MAKE A*** LOOK BAD...
EVEN IF A*** DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ME...
I CAN MAKE MYSELF LOOK BETTER."

THE TRUTH MAKES PEOPLE LOOK HOWEVER.... 
THEY ACTUALLY LOOK.

YOU CAN'T TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SH*T......
AND EXPECT RESPECT!

YOU CAN'T BURN A BRIDGE COMPLETELY....
AND EXPECT TO REBUILD IT. 

"I EXPECTED A*** TO BE THE SAME."
WHY WOULD I BE?

HOW I WAS MISHANDLED.... CHANGED ME.
LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO. 

WHY WOULDN'T IT?

Wasn't just him.... Or my ex....
Or mirror smasher... 

IT WAS ALL OF THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL OF IT.

THAT IS WHY I AM TIRED. 

YOU KNOW THAT FEELING....
WHEN YOU'RE SO TIRED....
YOU HAVE SUCH A GOOD SLEEP...
THAT YOU FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON?

Something like that.
12 years is a long time to TRY TO KEEP UP A FALSE NARRATIVE.
RIGHT?

A LONG TIME TO TRY TO PLAY GAMES WITH SOMEONE
THEY NEVER HAD TO PLAY GAMES WITH....

I did deserve better than I got... Yes, I did.
That's a lot of BS for one person....
FOR THIS LONG? WTF?

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE BEEN "HURT"?
AM I BLEEDING ON PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T CUT ME?
NO!

THEY DIDN'T CUT ME!
I BLEED ON HERE.
A BIT.... 

I BLEED QUIETLY, TOO.
BY MYSELF. 
NOT FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.

"A*** DIDN'T WANT ME....
SHE MOVED ON......"

WHY DID I MOVE ON?
BECAUSE HE GHOSTED ME?
HMMM. 

HE WANTED ME THERE
WITHOUT FKN TRYING!!!!!!!!

HE PUT MORE EFFORT INTO INSULTING ME!
IT WAS INSULTING!

MY STANDARDS WEREN'T TOO HIGH
WHEN I WANTED FKN HONESTY AND DECENCY!!!!
TO BE TREATED LIKE HE CARED!

THAT'S IT. 

DID I WANT TO GET STOOD UP?
DID I WANT THE INSULTS AND BS?
DID I WANT THE AVOIDANCE?
THE REFUSAL TO.... GROW UP?

TO JUST.... FKN BE MATURE?

TALK?

COMMUNICATE?

"They don't like changes..."
I WAS A CHANGE.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS.

That's what I represented! CHANGE!

But.... Most of the changes I made for myself
WERE THINGS I HAD TO DO MYSELF, 
FOR MYSELF... 
WITHOUT ANYONE AROUND.