September 16th part 1

Been blogging, but not posting, so I'll do a big dump of posts I wrote...

September 16th 1:

It used to drive me nuts...

Not being understood....

But the people who do understand me...

Know me pretty well.

Know me well enough to understand me. 

No matter how I tried explaining certain things....

I can't understand it FOR anyone. 

I can't force them to SEE anything about me....

About what I'm saying...

OR WHY I SAID IT.

IF THEY KNEW THOSE THINGS, 

THEY'D KNOW ME BETTER.

BUT THEY DON'T THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

AND SEE IT THROUGH THEIR VIEWS. 

NOT THROUGH MINE. 

THEY DON'T THINK LIKE I DO. 

SO THEY WON'T SEE SPECIFIC THINGS. 

I CAN'T SEE IT FOR THEM. 

Maybe some things I see easily are hard for some. 

If that's the case, it is... 

But to me, if it's PLAIN TO SEE.

I think it should be PLAIN TO SEE. 

Doesn't mean it is... 

For everyone... 

But just because I can see some things....

Doesn't mean everyone sees it the way I do.

Just because something makes sense to me....

Doesn't mean it makes sense to everyone. 

I don't know why something that should be very easy to understand...

Just isn't understood. 

I used to think: "If I can see this.... Why can't they?"

Because if they could... We could....

JUST TALK!

BUT COULD WE? EVER?

OR WAS EVERY ATTEMPT TO JUST BE UNDERSTOOD....

WAS AN "ARGUMENT" ABOUT WHAT I REMEMBER.

OR HOW I FEEL AND WHY.

ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!

ALL THE TIME!

BECAUSE THEY HAD TO BE "RIGHT" 

ABOUT SOMETHING AND SOMEONE THEY NEVER UNDERSTOOD?

AND ABOUT HOW I WAS EVEN BEING TREATED!

LIKE THEY DIDN'T CARE!

WHY NOT "ARGUE" ABOUT THAT, TOO?!

JUST TO DO IT!

LIKE I SIGNED UP FOR THAT SH*T OR SOMETHING?

OR COULD THEY HAVE SEEN IT AS THOUGH

I WAS DOING THAT SH*T TO THEM....

TO UNDERSTAND HOW THEY WOULD FEEL ABOUT IT...???

ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME?

ABOUT MY OWN MEMORIES AND FEELINGS?

ASSOCIATED WITH THOSE MEMORIES?

SHOULDN'T IT BE "UNDERSTOOD" THAT DOING THAT IS BS?

BECAUSE IT IS!

ACCEPTING THAT AND ME WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL...

BUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO TRUST SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T?

If they don't understand ABC...

Will they understand DEF?

Or GHI?

Or JKL?

Or MNOP?

Probably not!

They need ABC to get to MNOP!

Were they supposed to get to MNOP?

Without ABC?

Or DEF?

Or GHI?

Or JKL?

WOULD MNOP MAKE ANY SENSE WITHOUT THOSE?

OR WOULD IT JUST BE MNOP BY ITSELF?

WITH NO CONTEXT?

The thing is... To understand things about me...

THEY WOULD HAVE TO KNOW ME.

BUT THEY DON'T.

I AM THE CONTEXT ABOUT MYSELF. 

IF THEY HAVE NO CONTEXT....

WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW

AND UDERSTAND ABOUT ME?

ANYTHING?

I used to think:

If they UNDERSTOOD...

THEY WOULD COOPERATE!

THEY WOULD TREAT ME BETTER!

THE WAY THEY COULD HAVE!

THE FIRST TIME!

THAT'S WHY IT USED TO BOTHER ME SO MUCH!

BUT IT JUST SHOWS THAT... 

SOME PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO UNDERSTAND

AND WANT TO...

AND SOME AREN'T AND DON'T. 

SOME PEOPLE RUN ON WHAT THEY "KNOW"

OR THINK THEY KNOW. 

EVEN WHEN THERE IS MORE TO ME

AND MORE TO THINGS 

THAN WHAT THEY "KNEW"

OR THOUGHT THEY KNEW. 

IF SOMEONE NEVER KNEW ME

BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO....

HOW CAN THEY THINK THEY DO?

THEY DON'T!

SO HOW CAN THEY SAY I'M XYZ?

THEY ONLY THINK I AM. 

IF THEY ACTUALLY KNEW ME....

THEY'D KNOW ME!

BUT THEY DON'T!

TOO BUSY FIGHTING WITH ME

EVERY DAMN TIME I EXPRESSED MYSELF!

"A*** WANTS TO FIGHT...

A***'S VOLATILE.... (LOSING HER PATIENCE)...

MANIPULATIVE (WANTS ME TO SEE SOMETHING I DON'T SEE)...

A***'S TOXIC (BRUTALLY HONEST).

AM I SUPPOSED TO BE BRUTALLY DISHONEST?