Could Only Hope

Most of the people who watch me can't reach me.

Certain things I just won't entertain anymore.
I did, and what happened?

Because of (this) I decided (this).

BECAUSE I HAD A RIGHT TO DECIDE....
AFTER EXPERIENCING A BUNCH OF BS.

LIKE I HAD A RIGHT TO MOVE ON....
WITHOUT ANY BS.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BS.....
HAD I DISCARDED SOMEONE.....
AND THOUGHT.....
I COULD JUST COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN FORGIVE PEOPLE.....
BUT.... I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THE EXACT SAME SH*T!

ALREADY DID THAT SH*T!

DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SH*T THEN, 
SURE AS HELL DON'T NOW.

SO WHY FKN TRY ME?
JUST TO TRY ME?!

TRY! SEE HOW FAR IT GETS!

BEFORE I FKN REMIND YOU....
BECAUSE I HAVE TO.... I GUESS...

I had to remind someone WHO DISCARDED ME....
THAT THEY DISCARDED ME!

Need me to remind you again?
Didn't feel like doing it. Really didn't.

Why should I have to remind people
HOW THEY FKN TREATED ME!

WHY DO THEY WANT ME TO FORGET THAT?

WANTED TO JUST DISTRACT ME WITH BS...
WANTED TO TRY TO WASTE MY TIME....

BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED TO TALK TO HIM! RIGHT?
HOW DID THAT GO? GOOD? GREAT?
GOT SOMEWHERE?

PROBABLY ANOTHER: "I MISS OUR TALKS...."
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

NOT THE SAME AS MISSING ME.... RIGHT?

"I'M SORRY YOU FEEL I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY...."
ISN'T THE SAME AS:

"I'M SORRY I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY."

WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE BS.....

MORE "I LEARNED FK ALL BY FKING YOU OVER."
"I'M JUST TRYING TO FK YOU OVER SOME MORE."
"I'M JUST BACK BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING WELL."
"I'M JUST TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM YOU."

THERE'S BEEN NO "CLAIM" ON ME.
I AM FREE TO BE AROUND WHOEVER I WANT TO BE AROUND.
WAKING UP TO THE FACT: "A***'S SINGLE!"

YEAH, BUT MAYBE EVERYONE CAN FK OFF.

ATTENTION WHOORES CAN GET ALL THE ATTENTION THEY WANTED!
RIGHT? FROM WHOEVER, NOT ME. NOT MINE.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE AROUND EVERYONE....
OR JUST ANYONE....

AND NOT ALL ATTENTION IS THE SAME.

"OH SH*T! A*** DOESN'T WANT TO DATE ME NOW!"
NO SH*T! HOW DID YOU TREAT ME WHEN I WAS INTERESTED?

IN EVEN GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER?

HOW DID THEY TREAT ME?

LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM?
LIKE THEY CARED ABOUT ME?
LIKE THEY WANTED TO BE WITH ME?

NO?

AND WHEN IT COMES TIME TO REALLY TALK ABOUT THAT....

NOT BRUSH IT UNDER THE RUG.....

REALLY FKN TALK ABOUT IT.....

HOW DO THEY ACT?

HOW?

WANTED ME TO ACT LIKE THEY MATTERED!
WANTED ME TO TREAT THEM LIKE I CARED!
WANTED ME TO ACT LIKE I WANTED TO BE WITH THEM!

RIGHT?

NEVER: "YOU HAVE A POINT, A***!"
FKN RIGHT I DO!

"PUNISHING ME"
"A***, I'M GOING TO BLOCK YOU FOR 12 YEARS!"
"BECAUSE YOU WERE XYZ...." 
"REALLY? OR WAS I TELLING THE TRUTH YOU DIDN'T LIKE?"

"I'LL BLOCK YOU BECAUSE YOUR FEELINGS NEVER MATTERED!"
"I'LL BLOCK YOU BECAUSE YOU NEVER MATTERED!"

THEN TRY TO ACT LIKE I NEVER DISCARDED YOU!

NEVER EMOTIONALLY ABUSED YOU!

HE DID!

NOW THAT I'M EMOTIONALLY SECURE
AND NEVER FKN CHASED HIM.....
NEVER FKN DID ANYTHING TO HIM... 

NEVER EVEN WANTED VERY MUCH FROM HIM... 

NOT TO BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED.... MAYBE THAT?

I'm getting over it again. 
I THOUGHT I ONLY HAD TO GET OVER THIS BS ONCE....

SINCE I ALREADY DID IT ONCE, I CAN DO IT AGAIN.

It took a while! I probably wrote about it all back then!
12 years ago!!!!

Had to process this sh*t already!

Could have just left me alone, like I LEFT HIM ALONE!
RIGHT?

HE WANTED THAT!
DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN!
DIDN'T WANT TO GAF!

NOW.... WHY SHOULD I?

He could have! Right? Could have?

DID I HAVE TO WAIT 12 YEARS FOR THAT?
AND DID HE FKN LISTEN?
NO?

BECAUSE IT WAS STILL MY FAULT?
FOR REACTING TO BS?

IT'S THAT I'M SO STRONG PEOPLE ARE FKN AFRAID!
THEY BECOME FKN COWARDS!

THEY THINK I WILL HURT THEM!
LIKE THEY DO TO ME!

BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE:
I NEVER FKN HAD TO!

I COULD, YES!
FK YES!

I COULD. I MANY WAYS. IF I WANTED TO.

BUT DO I?

OR DO I LET PEOPLE FKN LIVE WITHOUT ME?
BECAUSE I FKN CAN!

THEY GET SCARED BECAUSE THEY KNOW:
I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEY CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT THEY FKN SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE THEY WOULD BE WASTING MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH MORE BS!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I HAVE NOT BEEN DOING ANYTHING TO HIM!

CALLING HIM OUT, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHAME THE BS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHAME IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO MAYBE PEOPLE WILL BE ASHAMED OF BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COULD ONLY HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smear It All You Want To

It was emotional abuse to try to make me think....
THAT IT WAS ME EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS
THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.

NO. IT NEVER WAS.

DOING THAT SH*T WAS THE PROBLEM.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE SORRY
FOR SH*T THAT WASN'T MY FAULT.

AND GO AHEAD AND SMEAR MY NAME.....
AFTER NOT WANTING TO GO BACK TO THAT SH*T.

AFTER REFUSING TO JUST FKN ACT RIGHT.

BE AS MAD AS YOU WANT ABOUT THAT.

NOTHING WOULD HAVE CHANGED!
IT DIDN'T!

COULD WE TALK?
ABOUT HOW I FELT?

NO? 

ABOUT WHY I WAS P*SSED OFF?
NO?

IF HE WANTED ME TO FEEL "NOT GOOD ENOUGH," FINE.
IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED, WHY WOULD I GO BACK TO THAT?

DID HE TREAT ME LIKE I WAS "GOOD ENOUGH"? NO.

I COULDN'T EVEN SAY HOW I FKN FELT!!!!!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE DID NOT GAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO WHY TELL HIM SOME MORE?

WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE? NO!

I THOUGHT: IF HE FKN UNDERSTOOD, HE'D STOP THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE'D STOP HIS SH*T.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, BUT HE DIDN'T.

BECAUSE HE TRIED HIS SH*T AGAIN, RIGHT?
TRIED TO BLAME ME FOR HIS SH*T.

I WASN'T DOING THE THINGS HE DID!
I WASN'T SAYING THE THINGS HE DID!
I WASN'T TREATING HIM THE WAY HE TREATED ME!

I CAN'T UNSEE THE BS. I SAW IT.

TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE YOU DO NOT GAF
IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD I LET HIM EMOTIONALLY ABUSE ME AGAIN?
ALREADY FKN DID THAT SH*T.

HOW DID THAT FEEL? GREAT? FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DODGE.TF.OUTTA.THAT.

MISS ME WITH THAT SH*T.
GOT ME THE FIRST TIME. SHAME ON YOU.
IT'D BE SHAME ON ME, THE NEXT TIME, RIGHT?

SEE WHAT YOUR LIFE IS WITHOUT A***?!
YEAH? TOO BAD!

BUT.... YOU..... CHOSE...... THAT...... RIGHT?

IT BUGS ME.... MINDING MY OWN FKN BUSINESS....
AFTER 12 FKN YEARS.... 

LIKE WHAT?!

I'M THE TOXIC ONE?
WHAT WAS I DOING? I WAS MINDING MY OWN FKN BUSINESS!

WHY COME BACK TO ME "I MADE A MISTAKE"
IF I WAS THE TOXIC ONE? WTF?

Would have stayed tf away.... RIGHT?
IF TELLING HIM HOW I FELT ABOUT HIS BS
WAS EVER THE PROBLEM.

THE PROBLEM WAS FKN ACCOUNTABILITY.
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

AND WOULD STILL BE.

APPARENTLY.

Drives me fkn crazy, this sh*t.

HE WANTED TO PLAY FKN GAMES, FOUND OUT!
FOUND OUT WHAT IT'S BEEN LIKE
WITHOUT ME FOR 12 YEARS!

AND WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE!
WITHOUT ME!

Didn't appreciate me.... WHEN YOU HAD ME.
SO WHAT TF DO YOU EXPECT?

FOR ME TO WANT TO "JUMP YOUR BONES"?
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN 12 YEARS?

FOR ME TO FORGET HOW YOU TREATED ME?

FOR ME TO BE STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL FOR
THE SAME SH*T TWICE?

FOR ME TO LET YOU LOVEBOMB ME....
DIRECTLY AFTER TRYING TO FKN GASLIGHT ME, AGAIN?
PRETTY INSULTING!

FK NO! 

I EVEN GIVE YOU THE CHANCE NOT TO DO THAT SH*T....
AND WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT CHANCE?

WHEN YOU DISREGARD SOMEONE'S FEELINGS....
WHEN THEY EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS TO YOU.....
AND THEIR REACTION TO YOUR SH*T.......
IS "THE PROBLEM" ALL THE FKN TIME......

MAYBE "THE PROBLEM"
IS NOT FKN LISTENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAKING SOMEONE FIGHT TO BE HEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISMISSING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISCARDING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR JUST FEELING HOW THEY FEEL
ABOUT BEING TREATED LIKE SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FK!!!!!!!!!!!! IS THAT ALL I DID???????????????? YEAH??????????
JUST THAT?????????????

I WAS SO DAMN "TOXIC" FK!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I STOOD MYSELF UP, RIGHT?

Yes, I'm getting it out... Just that.

I actually don't gaf about where I stand with anyone.

I USED TO!
I USED TO TRY TO BE UNDERSTOOD!
BUT..... WHAT HAPPENED?

HE DID THAT D*CK THING THAT MIRROR SMASHER DID!
"A***, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS!
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING!
WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY ABOUT ME BEING COLD TO YOU.....
"YOU'RE JUST DRUNK" ETC......

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY WITH MY BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!

Just fkn unfair that I was just fine and then fkr comes back.....
AFTER FKN DISCARDING ME ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY THE FK EVEN DO THAT SH*T?

I DIDN'T EVEN DESERVE TO FKN MOVE ON?
WTF?! I LET HIM MOVE ON! DID I NOT?

DID I DO ANYTHING TO HIM AFTER HE BOUNCED? NO?

I LET HIM BOUNCE? YEAH?

I GOT OVER HIM? YEAH?

EVEN TRIED DATING AND RARELY THOUGHT ABOUT HIM?

AND WHEN I DID...... I REMEMBERED...... BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNFAIR BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD IT BE FAIR OF ME TO BE DISCARDING HIM......
THEN TRY TO POP BACK UP? "JUST SAYING HELLO"

AFTER HE MOVED ON?

BUT IT WASN'T JUST SAYING HELLO!

IT WASN'T BECAUSE: "I'M SORRY FOR TREATING YOU LIKE SH*T."

HE CLAIMED HE DIDN'T REMEMBER HOW HE TREATED ME!!!!!

REMEMBERS HIS BS EXCUSES FOR DISCARDING ME, THOUGH. RIGHT?

IT'D JUST BE EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED 
AND THEN FKN BLAMED FOR IT?

INFURIATING!!!!!!!! FK THAT!

All of that has got me not wanting anything with anyone!
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A WASTE OF MY TIME!

I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO!

I PREFER BEING ALONE, MOSTLY, ANYWAY.
SO TRYING TO "ISOLATE" ME BY GHOSTING ME....
IS ONLY FORFEITING THEIR PLACE IN MY LIFE.

JUST THAT.

HOW PEOPLE TREAT ME TELLS ME WHO GETS TO STAY.
AND WHO GETS TO FK OFF.

AND IF YOU'VE ALREADY SHOWN ME THINGS....
YOU ALREADY DID THAT.

Guarded

My closure is.... Just living. That's it.
I got that from myself.

I didn't have to "overthink it"
AND TRY TO SEEK HIM OUT
FOR THE CLOSURE HE WASN'T GOING TO GIVE ME.

YOU THINK HE'S THE ONLY ONE?
WHO PLAYED THOSE GAMES?
NO.

WHY WOULD I SEEK
ANYONE WHO'D JUST PLAY GAMES?

FOR MORE BS?
NO THANKS.

Things had enough time to CHANGE.
ACTUALLY CHANGE.
BUT NOTHING DID.
NOT EVEN AFTER 12 YEARS.
SAME SH*T.

Other people had the chance to appreciate me, too.
BUT DID THEY?

WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE? NO?

BUT.... WHEN THEY GET KARMA
FOR FKING ME AROUND.....

THEN THEY WANT TO BE LIKE:
"I WANT TO TALK."

YOU COULD HAVE! RIGHT?

That's what's aggravating. THAT.

NOT THAT HE DIDN'T WANT ME.
I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.

IT WAS..... DON'T FKN STRING ME ALONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T DO THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO NOT FKN TRIANGULATE ME!
DON'T DO THAT!

DON'T PUT ME IN A COMPETITION
I DON'T FKN KNOW I'M IN!

BECAUSE IF YOU DO THAT.....
CHOOSE THE OTHER FKN PERSON!

BECAUSE IT WASN'T ABOUT BEING WITH ME.
RIGHT?

OR? WHAT?
COULD HAVE PLAYED HIS CARDS RIGHT.
THE FIRST TIME AROUND.
AND STILL HAD MY LOYALTY AND RESPECT.

AND THEY GET ANGRY.... AT ME....
FOR NOT SEEING THEM THE SAME?

CAN I? REALISTICALLY?

WHAT WAS THE PLAN?

"A***, WILL YOU BE MY EXIT PLAN?"
WHAT?! WHY?

MAYBE IT'S NICE IN A WAY THEY REGRET A FEW THINGS....
BUT WHERE IS IT ACTUALLY COMING FROM?

NOT OUT OF CONSIDERATION FOR ME.....

OR I WOULD HAVE HAD THAT CONSIDERATION
12 YEARS AGO.

WHEN I WANTED IT.

NOT "I FORGET HOW I TREATED YOU, I WANT YOU TO, TOO."

NO. KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING....
BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO DO IT.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

NO PRETENDING IT WAS ANYTHING ELSE.

IF YOU ARE EVER: "FK YOU, A***."
THEN FK YOU, TOO!

NOT PLEASE LIKE ME TOO!
NO!!!!! FK YOU, TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT.... IF YOU'RE IN DENIAL ABOUT ME.....
STAY IN IT! BE IN IT.

ESPECIALLY AFTER 12 YEARS! WTF?

WHY TRY TO TREAT ME LIKE A FKN BACKUP PLAN?
EXIT PLAN?

DIDN'T I DO THE "HEALTHY THING"?
I GOT IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM A LONG TIME AGO....
MOVED ON WITH MY LIFE....
ONLY THOUGHT OF HIM HERE AND THERE....
DIDN'T LOOK HIM UP.
DIDN'T GO INTO HIS DAD'S STORE.
STAYED TF AWAY FROM HIM....

OBVIOUSLY,
I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM AFTER THAT, ANYWAY.

WHY WOULD I?
HE WASN'T LOYAL.
NOT HONEST.

HE'S NOT GOING TO "MAGICALLY" BE ANY BETTER TO ME!
IT'D BE FAKE LOVEBOMBING!
WITH FAKE APOLOGIES.
MORE GAMES.

THAT'S ALL IT WOULD BE.

HE HASN'T EVEN FKN THOUGHT ABOUT IT!
I HAVE!

HE'S MAGICALLY READY TO LISTEN? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!
TO "UNDERSTAND"? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!

DIDN'T WANT TO! RIGHT?

SO WHY WOULD I WASTE MORE TIME?
WOULD I WANT TO?

AND WHAT IF IT WASN'T EVEN HIM?
WHAT IF IT WAS SOMEONE STALKING HIM?
WANTING TO KNOW IF THEY COMPLETELY FKD IT?
BETWEEN HIM AND I?

LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH MIRROR SMASHER....

THAT WAS.... SPECIAL!

AND IF ALL THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE HE BELIEVED BS ABOUT ME.....
HE BELIEVED IT!

IF HE KNEW ME, HE WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED IT!

HE WOULD HAVE KNEW IT WAS BS!

I WASN'T EVER THINKING:
I WONDER WHEN HE'S COMING BACK!
I WONDER IF HE'S SORRY!
I WONDER IF HE EVER CARED!

I STOPPED TRYING. STOPPED CARING.
STOPPED TRYING.
JUST STOPPED.

THEN I WROTE ABOUT IT..... TO GET IT OUT....
OF MY SYSTEM....

BECAUSE I JUST WANTED.....
TO JUST...... HAVE...... BASIC CONSIDERATION.....

BUT I SURE DID NOT WANT TO TRY TO DATE AGAIN.

WHEN MY EX CAME AROUND, HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME.
IT WAS MORE BECAUSE HE WANTED WHAT HE WANTED.

NEVER UNDERSTOOD ME EITHER.
REFUSED TO LISTEN, TOO.

ASSAULTED ME.

BROKE MY TRUST.

AFTER THAT, I DID TRY....
BUT HOW DID THAT GO?

VERY MUCH THE SAME?

I HAVE TRIED TO RECONNECT WITH PEOPLE
I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST.

TURNS OUT.... I COULDN'T TRUST THEM! RIGHT?

WHAT'S JUSTICE FOR ME? TO FKN BREATHE AGAIN.
TO JUST BE MYSELF.

TO JUST FKN FEEL BETTER.

NOT DEALING WITH FKN LIARS.
OR BS, NOT ONE MORE FKN MOMENT OF BS.
FK THAT.

I DID THE HEALTHY THING BY JUST MOVING ON.
GETTING OVER THIS.
BUILDING MYSELF BACK UP,
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT, 
BUT.... YET.... I HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT!

MYSELF!

DO I HAVE ANYONE BUILDING ME BACK UP?
DO I HAVE PEOPLE I CAN TRUST 100%? A FEW....

BUT IT'S MY JOB TO BUILD ME.
AND MY LIFE.

WITH OR WITHOUT ANYONE IN IT.
REGARDLESS OF EVERYONE.

BEEN MY JOB. NOT ANYONE ELSE'S.
BEEN TRYING THE BEST I CAN.
TO TRY TO LEAVE IT WHERE HE LEFT IT.

BECAUSE WHATEVER HAPPENED......
I DO NOT NEED TO CARE HOW IT TURNS OUT.

IT ALREADY ENDED FOR ME.
I ALREADY HAD TO ACCEPT IT.

I ALREADY HAD TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE.
FOR 12 FKN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT?
SINCE I WANTED SO MUCH FROM HIM?
THAT I LEFT HIM ALONE?

I TOLD HIM WHAT I WANTED:

1) UNDERSTANDING
2) TO BE TREATED LIKE HE CARED

SHOULD I HAVE WANTED ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT?
FROM FKN ANYONE?

ANYTHING?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WANT?
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO HAVE FKN WANTED?

JUST THAT. BUT..... DID I GET THAT?

WHAT DID I GET INSTEAD? WHAT?

ANYTHING BUT THAT?

LIKE ALL THE LIES "MADE ENOUGH SENSE TO BE TRUE...."

"AND I NEVER ASKED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"A***, SOMEONE SAID THIS.... IS THIS TRUE?"
WHY WOULD THEY QUESTION THAT?

THEY JUMP ON IT! RIGHT!?
WHETHER OR NOT IT'S TRUE!
THEY JUST EAT IT UP!

YOU THINK THAT SH*T WASN'T DONE TO ME?
SINCE THE FKN START OF TIME?

"DON'T PLAY WITH HER.... SHE'S XYZ!"

AM I?

DID I PLAY THOSE GAMES, THOUGH?
DID I EVER HAVE TO?

DID I EVER WANT TO?

IF I WAS ABOUT MANIPULATING ANYONE.....
I WOULD HAVE DONE THE EXACT SAME THINGS.....
PEOPLE DID TO ME!

I WOULD HAVE WANTED WHATEVER TF I THOUGHT
I WOULD GET OUT OF DOING ANY OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNDERSTAND?

I WOULD HAVE PLAYED THE EXACT GAMES!!!!!!!
TO WIN WHATEVER TF I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WIN!!!!!!!!

BUT WANTING SOMEONE TO GROW TF UP!
ISN'T MANIPULATION!
EXPRESSING MYSELF ISN'T MANIPULATION!

BUT ALL OF IT WAS TO TRY TO DIM ME.
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO TRY TO BREAK ME.

THEY HATE THAT THEY CAN'T.

THEY TRIED FKN EVERYTHING.

SURE, IT WAS INFURIATING.
SURE, IT WAS FKN DISAPPOINTING.

BUT I CAN FKN DISAPPOINT THEM TOO!

BY NOT "SUFFERING" THE WAY THEY WANTED ME TO.

OTHERWISE, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED ME.

BUT WHEN YOU TRY SOMEONE....
WHO HASN'T DONE ANYTHING TO YOU.... 

YOU GET WHAT YOU GET FOR DOING IT.

DID I SEE IT COMING FROM PEOPLE I TRUSTED? 
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU CANNOT TELL ME.....
SOMEONE WHO TREATED ME.....
LIKE THEY DO NOT GAF.......
SUDDENLY AND MAGICALLY DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHY WOULD I TRUST THAT!!!!!!!!!!

I WOULD BE CRAZY TO TRUST THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO FORGIVENESS WITHOUT ACCOUNTABILITY! NONE!

"LET'S WITH A***'S LOVE LIFE, TOO...."
BUT ANYONE WHO WANTED TO BELIEVE THE LIES.......
ISN'T FOR ME!!!!!!!! 

THEY CLEARED THEMSELVES OUT.
THAT'S IT.

SHOULD I NOT BE OKAY WITH PEOPLE CLEARING THEMSELVES OUT?

DOES IT SUCK WHEN THEY DO THAT? YEAH.

DOES IT SUCK ABOUT THE REASONS THEY DO THAT? YEAH.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M USED TO IT BY NOW!
BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T JUST LIVE THEIR OWN LIFE!

IF THEY COULD, MORE THAN HALF THE SH*T I HAD TO DEAL WITH....
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A DAMN THING!

I'D HAVE GOTTEN THE VERY BASIC THINGS I HAD WANTED ALL ALONG!

JUST THAT!

IF EVERYONE HAD STAYED OUT OF MY BUSINESS. RIGHT?

LIKE I STAYED OUT OF THEIRS?

BUT HOES BE TRIPPIN'.....

BUT ALSO...... DON'T INTENTIONALLY FK SOMETHING UP....
AND THEN TRY TO COME BACK TO ME....
TO TRY TO DO MORE FKN DAMAGE.

I'M NOT HERE TO "HEAL HEARTBREAK" I DIDN'T CAUSE.


DO YOU KNOW HOW FKD IT IS HEARING A DUDE WHO HURT ME
CRY TO ME ABOUT HOW SOMEONE ELSE HURT THEM?

"COULD HAVE AVOIDED THAT." BUT NO.

LIKE HOW MANY DID HE HAVE IN ROTATION?
TO TRY TO COME BACK TO ME 12 YEARS LATER?

TRIED TO GO BACK TO OTHER GIRLS TOO?
NOT JUST ME?

PROBABLY!

IT'S NOT RANDOM WHEN PEOPLE STOP TRUSTING!

BUT "EVERYTHING" IS WRONG WITH ME....
YET I'M NOT THE ONE PLAYING GAMES.

"THE GAMES WORKED ON HER FOR A BIT, 
MAYBE SHE'LL FALL FOR MY BS AGAIN."

"DID A*** REALLY LEARN HER LESSONS FROM ME?" FK YES!
"IS A*** DESPERATE FOR MY APPROVAL?" FK NO!

YOU DISCARDED ME, DUDE! YOU DID THAT SH*T!
COMING BACK AND TRYING TO TRIGGER ME
IS MANIPULATION....

I don't need to be manipulated by anyone.

A***'s been single for a while? YEAH!
BUT WHY? 

DISAPPOINTED!
PUT MYSELF FIRST!

NOW THAT HE PROBABLY P*SSED SOMEONE ELSE OFF....
"A***, HOW ARE YOU?"

YOU KNOW YOU DON'T GAF ABOUT HOW I'VE BEEN!

Anyway, I just needed to get this sh*t out.

I thought it was all out... A long time ago....
I really did.

NO, I'M NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO BE ALL LIKE:

"HERE'S MY HEART ALL OVER AGAIN."

What Wasn't Realized

"I'll contact A*** like nothing happened....
JUST TO TRY TO DRAW HER BACK IN ALL OVER AGAIN....
TO SEE IF SHE STILL WANTS ME..."

"TO TREAT HER LIKE SH*T ALL OVER AGAIN...."

WHY DIDN'T HE REALIZE....
THAT SH*T ENDED 12 YEARS AGO?

WHEN HE DISCAREDED ME?

That's what I want to know.

But.... He knew what he was doing the whole time.
PLAYING GAMES.

PLAYERS DO THAT SH*T.

"YOU WERE XYZ...."
A SECRET FLING.
THAT WASN'T GOING TO BE ANYTHING.

STRUNG ALONG AND DISCARDED.

AND "LOOK! A***'S OVER ME!
LET'S TRY TO FK WITH HER FEELINGS AGAIN!"

COULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE.... RIGHT?

COULD HAVE!

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAD NO REAL INTENTIONS!
RIGHT!?

IF I HAD NO REAL INTENTIONS.....
I WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO RECONNECT WITH HIM!

ONLY FOR WHAT?

SO THEN? I'D STAY? I'D RETURN?
I'D CARE LIKE I USED TO?

WHEN I CARE, I CARE!

BUT WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T SEE WHAT THEY HAD IN ME....
WHY BE THERE?

MAYBE THEY MIGHT SEE IT YEARS LATER....
BUT WHY YEARS LATER?

"SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY NEED ME?"
FK NO.

I WANTED YOU FKR, BUT DIDN'T NEED YOU.

BUT I DON'T WANT BS. OBVIOUSLY.

AND I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE IT IN MY LIFE, PERIOD.

WHY WOULD I WANT THAT SH*T?