Surprise!

When I was friends with someone...
HE LOVED TO ARGUE.
ALL THE FKN TIME.
ABOUT PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING I SAID.

HE LOVED TO ARGUE ABOUT POLITICS!
BECAUSE HE'S A LIB.

LIBS LOVE TO ARGUE WITH ME
ABOUT POLITICS.

BUT... LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE, TOO.
MOSTLY POLITICS, THOUGH.

He was arguing with me about the vax....
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT IT.

WASN'T GETTING IT AND DIDN'T WANT TO.

AND???? IT WAS MY CHOICE! RIGHT?
SO WHY ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT IS ULTIMATELY MY CHOICE!

ABOUT MY OWN LIFE!?

WAS I GETTING THE VAX FOR HIM?
OR MYSELF?

IF I WAS GOING TO GET IT?
MYSELF! RIGHT?

IT WAS EXHAUSTING.....
TRYING TO TALK.... TO HIM.
ABOUT THINGS HE DIDN'T "AGREE" WITH.

DID HE HAVE TO "AGREE"
TO FKN CONSIDER WHY I DGAF....
IF HE DOES OR DOESN'T?
"AGREE" WITH WHAT I'M SAYING?

I DON'T GAF IF HE AGREES OR DOESN'T!

DOES HE HAVE TO FKN "AGREE"
WITH WHAT I'M SAYING?

NO?

DO I HAVE TO "AGREE" 
WITH WHAT THEY ARE SAYING?

NO?

THEN? WHY SHOULD THAT PART FKN MATTER...
TO ACTUALLY CONSIDER....

WHY I DGAF ABOUT THAT PART?

SURPRISE!

IF I DON'T HAVE TO AGREE ALL THE FKN TIME...
OR EVEN GAF ABOUT THAT PART....

WHY IS THAT PART THE "MAIN" THING?

SO THIS DUDE..... WHO I THOUGHT WAS....
AN ACTUAL FRIEND......

WANTED ME TO FKN AGREE WITH HIM....
ALL THE FKN TIME....
ABOUT EVERYTHING....

EVEN THOUGH I FKN DON'T!
AND I DGAF ABOUT THAT SH*T.

WHY DO I NOT GAF ABOUT IT????
DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN ABOUT...
WHY DIDN'T THAT MATTER????

THE APOLOGIES I GET.....
ARE ALWAYS FKN DEFLECTIONS.

HAS HE EVER FKN APOLOGIZED TO ME?
WITHOUT DEFLECTING?

HOW MANY TIMES DID HE EVER SAY TO ME:
"YOU HAVE A POINT"?????

DID I MAKE ANY OF THE POINTS I MADE....
TO HEAR:
"YOU HAVE A POINT"????? NO?

DID I MAKE THE POINT TO MAKE IT? YEAH???

HE EVEN DIPPED BEFORE HE DIPPED AGAIN...
TYPICAL.

I WELCOMED HIM BACK....
THEN? DID IT AGAIN? YEAH?

HE MADE THE POINTS HE MADE
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO "WIN" THE ARGUMENTS.
THE ARGUMENTS HE STARTED.

IF I "AGREED" WITH HIM...
IT VALIDATED HIS POINTS.
AND HE "WON."

THAT'S ALL IT WAS, TO HIM.

HE WANTED TO ALWAYS BE "RIGHT."

TO ME.... I NEVER HAD TO BE "RIGHT."
BUT I ALSO NEVER HAD TO "AGREE"
TO "VALIDATE" SOMEONE
WHO WANTED TO BE "RIGHT" 
ALL THE TIME
ABOUT EVERYTHING.

BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TAKE THE FACT
THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE "RIGHT"
ALL THE TIME.

MAYBE OTHER PEOPLE HAVE "POINTS, TOO.
AND THEY DON'T MAKE THEM
FOR THE SAME REASONS
THAT HE DOES.

I DEALT WITH THAT BS FOR 15 YEARS!!!!!!!!!

IT WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE!

WHY WOULD IT?

DID HE CONSIDER ANYTHING I TOLD HIM?
DID HE LISTEN?

OR? TOO BUSY WANTING TO BE "RIGHT"?

ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EVEN ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

IF HE THOUGHT HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT ME....
WOULD HE EVER SEE THAT HE WASN'T???? NO???

SO THEN???? I LET HIM WALK AWAY!

AND???? I AM NOT OBLIGATED....
TO WANT THAT "DYNAMIC" 
BACK IN MY LIFE!

IMAGINE IF I HAD TREATED HIM LIKE THAT?
AT ALL???? LET ALONE CONSTANTLY????

IF YOU GHOST ME.... EXPECT ME TO BE DEAD TO YOU.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE.

I NEVER HAD TO BE "CONFUSED."
OR ASK THEM WHY THEY FKN ACT THE WAY THEY DO!

I HAD TO "ACCEPT" (AS A FACT) WHAT THEY SHOWED ME.
THAT IS ALL I HAD TO DO!

"WHAT DOES XYZ LOOK LIKE?"

DO I EVEN HAVE TO BE RIGHT ABOUT WHAT I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE?
NO? I DON'T HAVE TO BE RIGHT ABOUT WHAT I THINK?
ABOUT ANYTHING?

SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO ARGUE
AS THOUGH I WAS???? ALWAYS!!!!
AND AS THOUGH BEING RIGHT MATTERED 
TO ME ENOUGH TO WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT IT?

AREN'T MY OWN THOUGHTS ENOUGH FOR ME?

WHY SHOULD SOMEONE AGREE WITH ME?
TO THINK WHAT I THINK?

GET IT?

AM I NOT ALLOWED TO THINK WHAT I THINK?
UNLESS EVERYONE ELSE FKN AGREES WITH ME?

LIKE FK RIGHT OFF
WITH TREATING ME LIKE THAT. 

AM I TREATING THEM LIKE THAT?
YES OR NO???????

NO!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY THOUGH??????
BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO THINK WHAT THEY WANT TO!

REGARDLESS OF WHAT I THINK!

RIGHT?

SO??? SHOULD I TURN EVERYTHING INTO AN ARGUMENT????

I'VE HAD PEOPLE TRYING TO ARGUE WITH ME
ASSUMING THAT BECAUSE I DIDN'T AGREE WITH THEM
THAT I WANTED TO FKN ARGUE ABOUT IT
OR SOME SH*T.

FKN ASSUMING THAT SH*T....
FOR ONE THING....

SHOULD I ASSUME EVERYONE WANTS TO ARGUE WITH ME?
JUST BECAUSE THEY THINK DIFFERENTLY?
THAN I THINK?

IF I DID ASSUME THAT......
WOULDN'T I BE WASTING MY TIME?
ARGUING FOR NO FKN REASON??????????

YEAH?

IF I HAVE TO TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO FKN JUST....
THINK WHAT THEY THINK....
AND LET OTHERS THINK WHAT THEY THINK....
WITHOUT TRYING TO SWAY THEM....
BY ARGUING WITH THEM.....
AND FIGHTING ABOUT IT.... 

AND TEACH THEM "LOYALTY".....
WHAT FKN "USE" IS THAT SH*T TO ME?

IF SOMEONE'S GOING TO SWITCH UP ON ME....
OKAY, DO THAT.

BUT???? THEY WERE THE ONES WHO DID THAT.
NOT ME.

OF COURSE POLITICIANS DIVIDE PEOPLE!

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY DO THAT SH*T?

I KNOW WHY THEY DO IT....

BUT IS IT WORTH EXPLAINING?

TO SOMEONE STUCK ON EVERYTHING THEY THINK?

WHY ARE THEY STUCK ON EVERYTHING THEY THINK?
ABOUT POLITICS? OR ABOUT ME?

IF I PUT THEM THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THINGS....
AS THEY DID TO ME... 

WOULD THEY ENJOY IT?

WOULD THEY WANT TO BE THERE?

NO?

BECAUSE IF THAT'S ALL THEY GOT FROM ME....
THAT'S PROBABLY....

ALL THEY WOULD GET FROM ME.

RIGHT?

AND DID I WANT TO BE "RIGHT" ALL THE TIME?
OR???? JUST HEARD????

BECAUSE???? IF THEY HEARD ME....
THE FIRST TIME... 

THEY MIGHT HAVE "THOUGHT" ABOUT....
WHAT I WAS SAYING...

AND WHY I SAID IT.

AND IF THEY DID THAT.....
THEY MIGHT THINK ABOUT ME DIFFERENTLY.

AT LEAST THAT.

BUT THE WAY THEY TREAT ME.....
THEY ALSO DO THAT SH*T TO OTHER PEOPLE.

SO THEY WILL KEEP DOING THAT SH*T
REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I'M "THERE" OR NOT.

IF THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD DO THAT TO ME....
THEY THINK THEY CAN JUST.... DO THAT.

DOING IT IS WHAT MATTERED TO THEM. NOT ME.
NOT OUR SO-CALLED FRIENDSHIP...

TESTING ME MATTERED TO THEM. NOT ME.

IF I MATTERED, WHY TEST ME?

WASN'T I GOING TO SEE IT? EVENTUALLY?

AT FIRST.... DID I SEE IT?
NO?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET THAT PEOPLE HAVE
REASONS FOR DOING WHAT THEY DO.
AND NOT DOING WHAT THEY DON'T.

I KNEW THAT ABOUT MYSELF....

BUT I DIDN'T APPLY THOSE THINGS TO OTHERS.
BECAUSE... I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT
AT THAT TIME.

HE WANTED ME TO BE SOMETHING AND SOMEONE
THAT HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.....
(BECAUSE I TRIED TO TELL HIM)
THAT I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!!

THEN TRYING TO COME BACK TOWARDS ME.....
AFTER PUSHING ME AWAY......
REPEATEDLY.....

IS THERE A POINT IN THAT?

TRYING TO "OUTCAST" ME....
LIKE I WAS THE "ONE WHO DOESN'T BELONG."

OKAY. THEN I DON'T.
DO I HAVE TO GAF THAT I DON'T?
DO I HAVE TO WANT TO? 

YES OR NO?

NO! I DON'T HAVE TO GAF THAT I DON'T.
I DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO, EITHER.

DO MIND GAMES HAVE TO "WORK" ON ME?
OR DO I HAVE TO SEE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE?

IF I DIDN'T SEE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE.....
MAYBE THEY WOULD HAVE WORKED!
RIGHT?

IF THEY WANT TO SET FIRES IN THEIR LIVES....
DO I HAVE TO STICK AROUND?
TO WATCH IT BURN?

IT'D BE LIKE SETTING MYSELF ABLAZE....
AND FORGETTING:
STOP! DROP! AND ROLL!

RIGHT?

I SAW A VIDEO...
IN IT.... A DUDE SET HIMSELF ON FIRE...

ANOTHER DUDE WAS JUST WALKING BY....
WATCHING HIM BURN.

SOMEONE ELSE WAS FILMING.

ONLY ONE PERSON:
"I'M GOING TO TRY TO SAVE HIM."

TRIED TO PUT THE FIRE OUT.

IN THIS ANALOGY....
YOU CAN PUT YOURSELF....
AS ANYONE IN THAT VIDEO....

RIGHT?

1) THE PERSON WHO SETS THEMSELVES ON FIRE
2) THE PERSON CASUALLY WALKING BY
3) THE PERSON FILMING FROM A DISTANCE
4) THE PERSON WHO TRIED TO SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF

5) THE PERSON WHO USES THE VIDEO AS AN ANALOGY

IRONICALLY.... HE SAID:
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE
TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE WARM."

I GOT THAT QUOTE FROM HIM!
IRONY!

THAT ALSO MEANS....
I DON'T HAVE TO SET MYSELF ON FIRE
TO KEEP HIM WARM, EITHER!

THAT MEANS NOT HAVING TO PARTICIPATE
IN EVERY ARGUMENT
HE TRIED TO DRAW ME INTO?

YEAH?

AND LOOK HOW HE ACTED WHEN I REFUSED
TO BE DRAWN INTO YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT?

ALL THE ARGUMENTS
JUST FED HIS EGO.

I STOPPED FEEDING IT.
THAT'S ALL I DID.

AND THAT WAS ENOUGH....
FOR HIM TO ACT THE WAY HE DID.

AND???? I NOTICED IT.

THAT'S ALL THAT I DID.

AND IF THAT WAS ENOUGH TO END....
WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A FRIENDSHIP....

THAT WAS ENOUGH! RIGHT?
TO END IT!

AFTER 15 YEARS!

RIGHT?

SO IF THAT WAS ALL IT TOOK.....
WAS HE AN ACTUAL FRIEND?????
YES OR NO?????

THINKING SOMEONE WAS YOUR FRIEND....
AN ACTUAL FRIEND....

DOESN'T MEAN THEY LOOK AT YOU
THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT THEM.

LIKE IF HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS THERE
TO STROKE HIS EGO...

IF I REFUSED TO DO IT....

WHY WOULD HE WANT ME THERE?
HE WOULDN'T WANT ME THERE!

RIGHT? NO "USE" FOR ME!

IF I REFUSED TO DO THE THINGS THEY WANTED!

IT'S LIKE THIS... 

THE ONLY TIMES I ASKED HIM FOR HELP....
IT WAS BECAUSE I NEEDED IT.

1) WAS HE OBLIGATED TO HELP ME? NO?
2) WAS HIS HELP ALWAYS APPRECIATED? YES?
3) WOULD I HAVE HELPED HIM, IF I COULD? YES?
4) WAS I ASKING HIM BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM? YES?
5) WAS I ONLY ASKING BECAUSE I ACTUALLY NEEDED HELP? YES?

BUT... I DIDN'T THINK ACCEPTING HIS HELP
OR ASKING FOR IT....

WOULD MAKE ME "SEEM WEAK."

SO "WEAK" THAT I WAS EXPECTED....
TO ACCEPT A DYNAMIC
THAT I NEVER AGREED TO.

IF I EXPECTED HIM TO ACCEPT A DYNAMIC
THAT HE NEVER AGREED TO...

WOULDN'T HE BE LIKE: "I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS!"

AND IF HE DID.... SHOULD I ACT AS THOUGH HE DID????

SHOULD I ACT AS THOUGH HE AGREED TO SOMETHING
HE DIDN'T AGREE TO?

AND TELLING ME: "I NEVER AGREED TO THIS, A***."

I HAD MANY WAYS TO TAKE THAT, RIGHT?
IF HE SAID IT TO ME?

IF HE SAID: "I NEVER AGREED TO ARGUE WITH YOU
EVERY FKN TIME YOU WANT TO!"

IF HE SAID THAT TO ME..... HOW COULD I TAKE THAT?
AS THE TRUTH? YEAH?

WELL.... I SAID IT....
BY NOT WANTING TO FKN ARGUE ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!!!!!!

AND REFUSING TO FKN PARTICIPATE
IN SOMETHING I NEVER FKN AGREED TO
PARTICIPATE IN!

IF I HAD EXPECTED THAT FROM HIM?

AND IF THAT WAS "ENOUGH" TO END "EVERYTHING"
BETWEEN US?

HOW WOULD THAT "SEEM" TO HIM?

AS THOUGH IT NEVER MATTERED?
POSSIBLY!

WANTED TO "WIN," RIGHT?

ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID TO LOSE
WANT TO WIN.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN "WINNING" SEEMS TO MATTER!

AND IF THEY WANT TO WIN ALL THE TIME....
THEY WANTED ME TO "LOSE" ALL THE TIME....

BECAUSE? TO THEM..... 
THERE COULD ONLY BE "ONE WINNER"!

RIGHT?

AND IT HAD TO BE THEM!
BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO LOSE?
TO ME?

TO FEEL LIKE A "LOSER"?

OF COURSE NOT.

THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE THE "LOSER."
THE WHOLE TIME.

THANKS FOR THAT.

GUESS WHAT....?

I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO AGREE WITH ME.....????
I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO BE "THE LOSER"
I DON'T NEED TO BE "THE WINNER"

I DON'T GAF ABOUT ANY OF THAT.

DID I? WHEN I WAS YOUNG? VERY YOUNG?
MAYBE?

UNTIL I SAW THAT IT DOESN'T FKN MATTER????

SHOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED.... AT ALL....
LET ALONE MORE THAN WHAT COULD HAVE MATTERED!

BUT DID ANYONE LISTEN TO ME?
SO WHAT DID IT MATTER IF I WAS RIGHT?

DID IT?
ONLY TO ME?

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

IF BEING RIGHT... ONLY MATTERED TO ME....
BECAUSE NOBODY WANTED TO LISTEN....

WHAT WOULD IT MATTER?
TO ANYONE ELSE?

JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T AGREE
OR EVEN HAVE TO...

DOESN'T MEAN I WASN'T LISTENING, THOUGH.
I HEARD HIM. 

DID HE HEAR ME?
IF I ONLY HAD "A POINT" ONCE?

THE ONE TIME HE DIDN'T DISREGARD EVERYTHING
I WAS SAYING?

JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T AGREE WITH HIM?

IT SEEMS THAT IF YOU THINK DIFFERENTLY.... AT ALL...
YOU WON'T "BELONG."

THAT IS FINE.

BUT WHAT I AM NOT COOL WITH....
IS PRETENDING TO BE AN ACTUAL FRIEND....
SOMEONE WHO CAN BE TRUSTED.

I'M NOT OKAY WITH THAT.

I'M OKAY WITH NOT "BELONGING."
BECAUSE SOME BOXES I DON'T FIT IN.
FOR A REASON.

I'VE BEEN COOL WITH THAT.
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

SO THAT STOPPED MATTERING TO ME.
AT SOME POINT, ALREADY.

SHOULD I WANT OTHERS TO FIT INTO BOXES
THAT THEY DON'T FIT INTO?

AND SHOULD I EXPECT THEM
TO TRY TO CRAM THEMSELVES INTO A BOX
THEY DON'T FIT INTO?

JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT
THAT WAS THE BOX THEY FIT INTO?

TO GET TO BE IN MY LIFE?

IF THEY ARE BLUE....
WHY SHOULD I EXPECT THEM
TO CRAM THEMSELVES INTO
AN ORANGE BOX?

SHOULD I EXPECT THEM TO?
YES OR NO??????

MAYBE I "UNDERSTOOD" MORE
THAN THEY THOUGHT I DID????

BUT TELLING THEM WHAT I "UNDERSTAND"
WOULD HAVE DONE WHAT?

WHAT WOULD IT HAVE DONE?
ANYTHING?

DID HE HAVE TO AGREE WITH MY "MATURITY"?
OR HIS OWN "IMMATURITY"?

FOR ME TO BE "MATURE"?
OR FOR HIM TO BE "IMMATURE"?

IF HE WAS MATURE....
WHY WOULD HE ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

WHY WOULD HE TRY TO CREATE
A "POWER DYNAMIC"?
BETWEEN US?

WHY WOULD HE ACT IN THE WAYS THAT HE DID?

I COULD HAVE LEFT MANY FKN TIMES!!!!!!!!!!

WHEN HE FKN LET ME DOWN!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

DID I?

WHY WOULD HE NEED ME TO ADMIRE HIM?

WHY WOULD HE PUT HIMSELF ABOVE ME?

WHY WOULD I HAVE TO "LOSE"
EVERY ARGUMENT HE DREW ME INTO?

WHY DID I EVEN FKN ACCEPT ANY OF THAT SH*T?

BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD FKN STOP....
WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS @SS!

THAT'S WHY.

DID I WANT HIM TO GET HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS @SS?
YEAH?

THOUGHT HE WOULD EVENTUALLY? YEAH?

BUT? WHAT HAPPENED?

HOW DID THAT GO?

WHAT STRESSES PEOPLE OUT....
IS WHEN THEY TRY TO HAVE "POWER" OVER ME...
AND THEY FIND OUT THAT THEY NEVER HAD ANY.

I LET THEM THINK THEY HAD POWER OVER ME...
BY NOT TAKING POWER OVER THEM.

IF I WANTED TO, I COULD DO THAT.

BY???? JUST TELLING THE TRUTH!
JUST LIKE THIS!

THEY NEEDED MY "ADMIRATION"
TO TRY TO GET ME TO "CHASE"
AND XYZ.... 

AND WHEN I DON'T?

MAYBE I DON'T ADMIRE PEOPLE
WHO ACT LIKE THAT.

IF A CONVERSATION..... EVEN THAT....
IS TOO HARD TO EVEN HAVE...

IS THERE A POINT IN ADMIRING THEM?

WHO IS ARROGANT ENOUGH TO EXPECT
ADMIRATION?

WHAT DO I EXPECT FROM PEOPLE:

1) THEY WILL SHOW ME HOW THEY ARE
BY BEING HOW THEY ARE

2) THEY WILL SHOW ME WHAT MATTERS TO THEM
AND WHAT DOESN'T

3) THEY WILL SHOW ME IF THEY ACTUALLY VALUE ME
AS A PERSON OR NOT

SO IF THEY SHOW ME SOMETHING....
TO THE CONTRARY OF WHAT I INITIALLY THOUGHT?

THEN? I WAS WRONG!
THAT'S IT!

AM I ALLOWED TO BE WRONG? YEAH?
THEN? OKAY! I WAS WRONG.

ABOUT WHAT I THOUGHT.

BECAUSE? I WAS SHOWN SOMETHING ELSE.

NOT BECAUSE I HAD TO BE "RIGHT"?

BUT? WHY TRY TO CONVINCE ME TO "CHANGE"
JUST TO "ADJUST" TO SOMETHING
THAT THEY THOUGHT ABOUT ME?

SHOULD I DO THAT TO THEM? NO?
THEN? WHY DO THAT TO ME?

THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD KEEP ME "TRAPPED"
BY PLAYING GAMES WITH ME
THAT I WASN'T PLAYING WITH THEM....

JUST TO? FK WITH THE FEELINGS
THEY KNEW THAT I HAD.

AT ONE POINT.

BUT???? HOW DID THAT WORK OUT?
THE WAY THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD?

NO?

WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE GAMES LIKE THAT....
AREN'T SOMETHING I "ADMIRE."

SO WHY WOULD THEY GET MY "ADMIRATION"?

I KNOW WHAT "HEALTHY" DOESN'T FEEL LIKE.
"POWER DYNAMICS" AREN'T "HEALTHY."

YOU CAN'T DEMAND MY RESPECT, 
BUT YOU CAN LOSE IT VERY EASILY.

IF THEY WANTED MY RESPECT, 
THEY COULD HAVE HAD IT.

BUT WHO I WAS.... ISN'T WHO I AM....
AND... WHO THEY THOUGHT I WAS.....
ISN'T WHO I ACTUALLY AM.

WHEN YOU TRY TO "MOVE" SOMETHING....
THAT WON'T MOVE....

ALL THAT "FORCE"
GOES BACK TO THE PERSON
WHO TRIED TO APPLY IT.

WAS IT EASIER TO "TRIGGER" ME? BACK THEN? YEAH?
DID THINGS AFFECT ME? YEAH?

BECAUSE I WASN'T NUMB TO THE BS?

WASN'T NUMB OR DUMB?

BUT DOUBTING MYSELF
LIKE THEY WANTED ME TO....
HAD ME IN DOUBT?

DO I HAVE TO DOUBT SOME THINGS
THAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE?

ABOUT THE "POWER DYNAMIC"?
ABOUT MYSELF?

REGARDLESS OF ANY "POWER DYNAMIC"
ANYONE WANTED ME TO BE STUCK IN?

NO? I DIDN'T? AND DON'T HAVE TO?
NEVER HAD TO?

AND WHEN I DIDN'T AGREE TO THE BS
"POWER DYNAMIC"

HOW DID THEY ACT?
WHAT DID THEY TRY TO DO?
TRIED TO RUIN MY REPUTATION?

IS THAT SOMETHING I CAN "UNSEE"?
AND "UNKNOW"? 

NO?

NOT ONLY DO PEOPLE ASSUME....
THEY ACCUSE!

ACCUSATIONS P*SSED ME OFF, SURE!

BUT WHY ARE THEY WANTING EVERYONE TO SEE ME
IN AN XYZ WAY?

IS THERE A REASON WHY?

IF THERE IS..... WHAT IS IT?

AND IS THAT MY REASON? OR THEIRS?

THEIR REASON?

NOT MINE?

IF IT ISN'T MY REASON....
WHO DOES IT HAVE MORE TO DO WITH?
ME OR THEM?

I GIVE PEOPLE A WAY TO EVEN MAKE IT UP TO ME.
AND IF THEY DON'T WANT TO....

THEY DON'T HAVE TO....

BUT I GAVE THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THAT....
RIGHT?

DID I TELL HIM HE HAD TO DO IT?
OR WAS IT AN OPPORTUNITY HE COULD TAKE
IF HE WANTED TO?

BUT WHAT WAS IT REALLY ABOUT?

SOMETHING ELSE? YEAH?

IF IT WAS BECAUSE I GOT INTO CODING....
AND HE WANTED TO FEEL "IMPORTANT"

AND THE ONLY WAY HE COULD DO THAT....
WAS TO TRY TO GET "ADMIRATION"
FROM ME AND EVERYONE ELSE....

WHEN CODING WASN'T ABOUT GETTING "ADMIRATION"
FROM ANYONE....

CODING WAS ABOUT???? CODING!

ABOUT? REPLACEMENT THERAPY
TO HELP ME QUIT DRINKING.

OKAY? AM I NOT "ALLOWED" TO HAVE SOMETHING?
FOR MYSELF?

SOMETHING THAT I CHOSE?
LIKE CODING?

IF HE DIDN'T FEEL ADMIRED...
AND ADMIRATION WAS IMPORTANT TO HIM....

WAS IT IMPORTANT ENOUGH
TO ACCUSE ME OF THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE?

ABOUT MY CHARACTER?
ABOUT MY REPUTATION?

TO LIE ABOUT ME?
TO ANYONE?

TO EVERYONE?

WAS IT THAT IMPORTANT?

BECAUSE... IF IT WAS....
THEY CAN HAVE THAT.

WHAT I DIDN'T SAY....
ALSO SPEAKS FOR ME.
SPEAKS TO MY CHARACTER....

RIGHT?

BECAUSE???? I COULD HAVE SAID THIS....
A LONG TIME AGO?

INSTEAD OF?
NOT SAYING IT?

CORRECTING ANYONE....
DOESN'T REQUIRE EMBARRASSING ANYONE.

LIKE THEY TRIED TO DO TO ME....
WHEN I SUPPOSEDLY MADE "THE ERROR."

BUT THE ERROR WAS ABOUT????
HONESTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HONESTY MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO
ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL....

MATTERS!

RIGHT?

BECAUSE I HAVE THAT DUDE'S ADDRESS.
RIGHT?

IF I WANTED TO START SOME SH*T
OVER THIS SH*T....

I'D KNOW WHERE TO TAKE THAT SH*T.
RIGHT?

IF I WANTED TO DO THAT?

DID I WANT HIM TO FEEL OVERLOOKED? NO?
DID ANYONE RECOGNIZING ANYTHING
ABOUT ME
HAVE TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM?

NO?

BEING OVERLOOKED BECAUSE I STARTED DOING SOMETHING
THAT I CHOSE TO START DOING
FOR MY OWN REASONS... 

ISN'T THE SAME THING
AS INTENTIONALLY WRONGING THEM
LIKE I WANTED THEM TO FEEL LIKE THAT!

RIGHT?

HE COULD HAVE ASKED: WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS?
DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A***?

"I BELIEVED XYZ ABOUT YOU.... AND DIDN'T ASK YOU!"
"COULD HAVE ASKED ME? AND DIDN'T?"

I COULD HAVE EXPOSED A LOT!

DID I HAVE TO BE "MEAN"? THOUGH?

DID I HAVE TO DO THE SAME THINGS THEY DID?
IN THE SAME WAYS THAT THEY DID?

ESPECIALLY AT THE END?

NO?

WHAT BUGGED ME.... 
IS THEY CAVE TO SOCIAL PRESSURE... 
AND.... THINK SOME THINGS ARE FUNNY
WHEN THEY ACTUALLY AREN'T!

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO "ADMIRE" THAT?

WILL THEY ADMIT THAT THEY HAD
SEVERAL CHANCES?

JUST TO LISTEN TO ME?

YEAH? THEY DID?
SEVERAL? 

BUT? WILL THEY ADMIT THAT????
TO ANYONE?
LET ALONE THEMSELVES?

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TRUE?

MOST PEOPLE WILL LITERALLY LISTEN
TO EVERYONE BUT ME.

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

IF I'M THE ONE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH....
WOULD YOU WANT TO?

OR NOT?

DEPENDS HOW YOU "HANDLE" THE TRUTH...
AND HOW YOU "HANDLE" ME.

RIGHT?

BUT? SOME THINGS.... 
I DIDN'T SEE UNTIL MUCH LATER.
LOOKING BACK..... TO IT.

WE CAN DISTORT OUR OWN VIEWS. VERY EASILY.

SO I HAVE TO LOOK AT IT LIKE:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE IT ISN'T ABOUT THAT ENTIRELY, ANYWAY.

IT'S ABOUT WHAT? FACTS. PRIMARILY.

SO IF YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE
MAKING IT ABOUT WHAT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT
AND YOU GET MISTREATED FOR DOING THAT....

THAT IS ANOTHER FACT!

IS IT NOT?

BUT? WHEN YOU MAKE PROGRESS.
AND SOMEONE RESENTS IT....

ARE THEY GOING TO TELL YOU THAT THEY DO?
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SHOULDN'T?

WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES....
WITHOUT THEIR "INPUT"....

THEY DON'T FEEL "NEEDED" ANYMORE.
THEY RESENT THAT.

THEY ENJOY BEING THE ONE TO HAVE "THE ANSWERS."

EVEN WHEN THEY WERE WRONG?
ABOUT A LOT?

HOW DO THEY ACT WHEN YOU TELL THEM
THAT SOMETHING THEY TOLD YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE ANY CONSEQUENCES?

HAS CONSEQUENCES?
AND WHEN YOU TELL THEM
WHAT THOSE CONSEQUENCES WERE?

SO THAT THEY KNOW?

AND WON'T TELL SOMEONE ELSE?
THE SAME THING THEY TOLD YOU?

HOW DO THEY ACT?
WHEN YOU DO THAT?

WATCH THAT.

IT WILL TELL YOU.

THE ONE WHO ENJOYS...
BEING THE ONE WITH "THE ANSWERS..."

THEY ALSO ENJOY.... HAVING "INFLUENCE."

I'D LIKE YOU TO IMAGINE SOMETHING....
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.... NOT SAYING IT DID....
JUST SOMETHING TO IMAGINE....

AS AN ANALOGY ONLY...... 

LET'S NOT EVEN MAKE THIS ABOUT HIM OR I.
JUST TWO PEOPLE. OKAY?

FRIEND A AND FRIEND B. FA AND FB. OKAY?

FA IS "STRUGGLING" WITH SOMETHING.
FB THINKS THE SOLUTION
IS PREPPING THEM FOR SOMETHING
THAT FB DOES.

AS A JOB.

FA.... HAD FA RAN WITH THAT....
ENDED UP AT THE SAME COMPANY....
AS FB.... 

IF FB GOT AN OPPORTUNITY
AT THE SAME COMPANY AS FA....

AND FA TOLD FB THAT THEY WANTED TO DO THE JOB WELL...
AND WASN'T SURE ABOUT WHAT SUPPORT THEY WOULD NEED...

AND IF FB WENT TO THE COMPANY
AND TOLD THE COMPANY
THAT FA "COULDN'T DO IT."

AND THE COMPANY.... LOOKS AT FA
THE WAY THAT FB APPROACHED THEM...
ABOUT FA...

NOT THE WAY FA.... ACTUALLY WAS.

NOT ABOUT FA'S ACTUAL ABILITY
TO ACTUALLY DO
MEANINGFUL WORK....

WOULD FA..... BE SURPRISED....
THAT FB WOULD DO THAT?

PROBABLY!

WOULD FB BE USING "INFLUENCE"
TO "INFLUENCE" THE COMPANY'S CHOICES?
ABOUT WHAT FA CAN AND "CAN'T" DO?

YEAH.

THAT!!!! IS THE ANALOGY.

I'M USING THIS AS AN ANALOGY....

BECAUSE IT WAS PRESENTED TO ME....
AS.... A "SYMBOLIC STORY."

WOULD FB HAVE A REASON FOR APPROACHING
THE COMPANY? AT ALL?
LET ALONE ABOUT FA?

COULD FB HAVE HANDLED FA ANOTHER WAY?
YEAH?

WITH 12-YEAR DISCARD.....
HE LIED TO ME.... TO GET MY TIME.
AND WHEN HE GOT IT.....
HOW DID HE TREAT ME AND MY TIME?

AND WHEN I STOPPED? 

BECAUSE HE BURNED THROUGH MY TRUST?

TRUSTING THAT HE WOULDN'T DO THAT?

Here's something....

THERE'S A FEMALE.... I USED TO CHILL WITH...
WE HAD AN ISSUE ABOUT HER WANTING TO 
HAVE CONTROL OVER ME CONSTANTLY....

SO WHEN I WASN'T LETTING HER CONTROL ME....
SHE GOT MAD.

THEN SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS ANYMORE.
SO I LET HER GO....

AND WHEN HER DAUGHTER DIED...

DESPITE HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH ME...
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME....
BECAUSE I WASN'T COOL WITH BEING CONTROLLED...

AND DIDN'T WANT TO BE...
AND DIDN'T SEE WHY I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE...

AND WAS I DOING THAT TO THEM? NO?
THEN WHY TRY TO DO IT TO ME?

ANYWAY, WHEN HER DAUGHTER DIED....
WHO DID SHE REACH OUT TO?
ME!

WHY? BECAUSE SHE KNEW I WOULD BE THERE!
FOR HER!

AND WAS I? AS A FRIEND? YEAH?
FOR HOW LONG?

A WEEK? YEAH?

DESPITE HAVING MY OWN LIFE?
YEAH?

BUT? DON'T TELL EVERYONE
WHO WAS THERE FOR YOU.....
EVEN THOUGH YOU ALREADY.....
TREATED THEM....
LIKE THEY WEREN'T......
ANYONE......
TO YOU
ANYMORE.

BECAUSE? WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
ABOUT ME?

DID I DO THAT BECAUSE I WANTED ANYTHING FROM HER?
OR WAS I DOING THAT TO FKN BE KIND TO HER?
WHEN SHE NEEDED SOMEONE TO BE?

AND WHEN I STUCK UP FOR HER MOTHER!!!!!!!!!
HOW SHE WAS TREATING HER MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!
IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD SHE LISTEN TO HER MOTHER?????

NO! 
WOULDN'T LET HER SPEAK!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY MOTHER ISN'T SOMEONE
WHO WOULD DROP EVERYTHING
FOR ME.
LIKE HERS DID FOR HER.
EVEN ON THAT VERY DAY.

THAT SHE WOULDN'T LET HER SPEAK!

AND THEN?
DID SHE LET ME SPEAK?

OR? TOLD ME TO LEAVE?
SO? I LEFT?

AND? SHE ASKED FOR HER KEY BACK?
SO? I GAVE HER THE KEYS BACK?

AND? THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW HER?

YEAH?

SO THEN?
WAS I ANYTHING TO HER? 

NO?

SO THEN?
MY LIFE NOW.

SOMETIMES THINGS THAT FEEL
LIKE A PUNISHMENT
IS PROTECTION
FROM THINGS
LIKE THIS.

IT WASN'T FAIR
HOW SHE TREATED HER MOTHER.
IT WASN'T FAIR
HOW SHE TREATED ME.

AND I DON'T REGRET TELLING HER THAT.

OR ATTEMPTING TO.

FOR SPEAKING UP.

IF IT'D BEEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND....
SHE MIGHT HAVE SPOKEN UP.
TO ME.
FOR ACTING LIKE THAT.

IT'S EASY TO HEAR A "STORY" ABOUT ME...
AND THINK THAT'S THE TRUTH....
BUT YOU HAVE TO FACTOR IN.....
WHO HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE.

THEY HIDE HOW THEY ACTUALLY TREATED ME.
BECAUSE THEY WON'T ADMIT TO IT.

NOW I'M NOT THERE TO DEFEND MYSELF?
AGAINST WHAT?
ASSUMPTIONS?
ACCUSATIONS?
NARRATIVES?

WHAT WOULD EXPLAINING MYSELF
YET AGAIN DO?

MAKE THEM ALL MAGICALLY UNDERSTAND?

IF I DO IT ONE MORE TIME?

IF THEY DIDN'T THE FIRST TIME????

BUT? HOW DO THEY WANT TO PRESENT THEMSELVES?
IN THE BEST LIGHT? YEAH?

HOW WOULD THEY WANT TO PRESENT ME?
IN THE WORST LIGHT? YEAH?

DID THEY TELL PEOPLE
THAT I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM
WHY SOMETHING WAS BOTHERING ME?

DID THEY TELL PEOPLE
THAT I "REACTED"?

NOT WHAT I "REACTED" TO?

THEY EXPECTED ME TO "BLOW UP"
LIKE THEY WERE TOLD THAT I WOULD.

AND WHEN I DIDN'T?

MAYBE I WALKED AWAY
BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY THING
THAT I COULD REASONABLY DO!

WOULD IT BE REASONABLE
TO KEEP GOING THROUGH THAT CRAP?

WHAT WAS IT LIKE FOR ME
WHEN IT WAS JUST HER AND I?

COMPARED TO WHEN
THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE AROUND?

WHEN I BROUGHT THINGS UP....
IT BECAME ABOUT SOMETHING
OTHER THAN WHAT I BROUGHT UP?

AND NOBODY ELSE GOT TO SEE
HOW THOSE WENT?

FOR ME?

THAT WAS AN EXPERIENCE! RIGHT?
BUT I KEPT THAT TO MYSELF?

NOT WHAT THE DISAGREEMENTS WERE ABOUT?
JUST "A***'S XYZ...."

NOT "WHY DID A*** REACH THAT POINT?"

HOW MUCH DID IT COST ME
EMOTIONALLY.... 

TO TRY TO HOLD ONTO THAT?

"WILL ONE MORE CONVERSATION MAKE A DIFFERENCE?"
"IF NONE OF THEM HAVE BEFORE THAT?"

BUT WHY SHOULD I BE CAUTIOUS ABOUT
HOW I FEEL?
AND WHY?

WE KNOW HOW THAT WENT? RIGHT?

SPEAKING UP CHANGED WHAT? 

WHAT IF I OVERLOOKED WAY TOO MUCH SH*T
BECAUSE CONFRONTING IT
WOULD HAVE BEEN A HUGE WASTE
OF MY FKN TIME
BECAUSE OF HOW THEY ACT
WHEN I DO THAT.

MY EFFORTS WERE CHANGING
HOW I WAS BEING TREATED?

NO?

THEN?

I COULDN'T KEEP GOING LIKE THAT. IN THAT.
BUT THEY EXPECTED ME TO "COME BACK"
BECAUSE I GAVE THEM CHANCES BEFORE.

THEY GOT USED TO THAT.
GOT TOO COMFORTABLE.
WITH WHAT THEY EXPECTED FROM ME.

THEY WANTED MY MAINTENANCE OF THE CONNECTION
TO MATTER MORE TO ME
THAN ADDRESSING ANYTHING!!!!!!

ADDRESSING THINGS MATTERS TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN
THAT I WANT TO BE TREATED
THE WAY I WAS BEING TREATED.

AS THOUGH I WAS OBLIGATED TO GIVE THEM
WHATEVER THEY EXPECTED FROM ME
WHILE NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING
FROM THEMSELVES.

IF THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE HOW THEY TREATED ME....
MAYBE THEY WILL UNDERSTAND
HOW I WAS BEING TREATED!

RIGHT?

AND "A***'S BEING DIFFICULT"
OR "A*** CAN'T BE COMMUNICATED WITH"

OR "A*** XYZ"

NOT "A*** NEVER WANTED TO DEAL WITH THIS SH*T"
NOT "I TREATED A*** IN A WAY SHE DIDN'T DESERVE."

NOT "I REFUSED TO LISTEN TO A***."
NOT "I DISCARDED A*** REPEATEDLY."

THEY CAN GET PEOPLE TO "SYMPATHIZE" WITH THEM
THAT "A*** XYZ...."

BUT GETTING A*** TO TRUST YOU AGAIN....
IS SOMETHING ELSE.

RIGHT?

SHOW ME THAT I'M "UNWANTED" IN ANY KIND OF WAY....
THEN YEAH, I'LL REMEMBER THAT.

"MEMORIES" WERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME "OVERLOOK" THINGS.
RIGHT?

"COMING BACK" WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EASIER
THAN KEEPING MY DISTANCE?

AND THINGS THAT THEY HID FROM OTHERS
CAN COME OUT.

DID I WANT THEM TO SEE HOW HARD I TRIED?
HOW MUCH I OVERLOOKED?

NOBODY'S UNDERSTANDING OF IT
CHANGES ANY OF IT.

RIGHT?

SO DOES THAT PART EVEN MATTER?

CARING WASN'T ENOUGH TO "CHANGE" ANYTHING.
BECAUSE IT DIDN'T!

RIGHT?

OR????

IT WOULD HAVE!

RIGHT?

SO THEN?

CARING DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING!

THE PAINFUL PART IS...
THAT THEY THOUGHT I'D BE WAITING AROUND FOREVER!

AND WHAT I BROUGHT TO THEM.....
MEANT NOTHING.

TO THEM. 

NOTHING TO THEM.

AND THEY EXPECTED ME TO "REMAIN AVAILABLE"
WHILE BEING AVAILABLE FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

HE LIKED BEING THE PERSON WHO COULD XYZ....
BUT WHEN IT CAME TO ME?

I DIDN'T NEED HIM FOR XYZ.... 

IT WASN'T ABOUT THAT....
HE KNEW THIS.... OR SO I THOUGHT.... 

"SHE'S PATIENT. SHE'LL WAIT FOREVER."
NO.

IF THEY CAN MAKE TIME FOR EVERYONE ELSE...
CAN LISTEN TO EVERYONE ELSE...

CAN CARE ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE.... 

DID I GET TO MATTER?

JUST THAT?

WAS I ASKING "WHAT CAN HE DO FOR ME?" NO?

VERY QUICK TO MOVE WHEN IT'S SOMEONE ELSE....
RIGHT?

BUT WHEN THEY NEED THAT LOYALTY BACK?

THEY DON'T GET IT?

THEY WANTED ACCESS?

TO WHAT THEY WERE PROVIDED?

WHERE IS EVERYONE????
EVERYONE WHO MATTERED
WHEN SOMETHING WAS IN IT FOR THEM?

WHO IS THERE WHEN I'M NOT?

WHO WAS THERE JUST TO BE THERE?

ME? I WAS?

NOW I'M NOT?

FKN HURT AND DISAPPOINTED.... SURE.

BUT DID I DO ANYTHING TO THEM AFTER THAT?
NOTHING TO THEM?

BECAUSE THEY MATTERED?
TO ME?

THEY REFUSED TO GIVE ME EVEN THEIR TIME....
BUT FREELY GAVE IT TO EVERYONE ELSE.

DID I EVEN GET TO COME LAST? NO?
NO! THEY PUT THEMSELVES LAST.

SO I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO BE LAST.

AND THEY WANT ME TO KEEP PUTTING THEM FIRST.

RIGHT?

HOW MUCH MORE WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE...

BEFORE.... 

I STOPPED TRYING TO TELL THEM
THAT THEIR CRAP WAS P*SSING ME OFF?

WHEN THEY ASSUMED I COULDN'T SURVIVE
WITHOUT THEM...

I WAS! 
STOPPED EXPECTING ANYTHING FROM THEM!
RIGHT?

THEY THOUGHT THAT I KEPT GIVING CHANCES
BECAUSE I "NEEDED" THEM.

THAT I WAS DOING XYZ.... BECAUSE I "NEEDED" THEM.

NO. DIDN'T.
LIVING WITHOUT THEM.
LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN LIVING WITHOUT ME.

RIGHT?

REGRETTING LOSING SOMETHING
DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY'LL TREAT IT ANY BETTER
THAN THEY DID BEFORE.

AND THEY ONLY REGRET IT
WHEN EVERYONE ELSE DISAPPOINTED THEM.

THE PEOPLE THEY WERE HELPING....
"DISAPPEAR" WHEN YOU NEED HELP.

LOSING SOMEONE REAL....
DOES HURT.

BUT NOT USUALLY FOR THE REASONS IT SHOULD.

IT HURTS THE EGO.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO "UNDERSTAND"
"ADJUST"
"WAIT"
ETC....

"BE AVAILABLE"

WHILE?????

DID THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT WAS LIKE FOR ME?

I TRIED TO BE POLITE!
I TRIED TO WISH HIM WELL!

RIGHT?

WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?????
OTHER THAN THAT?

EXPLAIN MY SIDE AGAIN????
AND IF I DID????

WHAT WOULD CHANGE????
ANYTHING?????

DID ANYTHING CHANGE???
AS OF NOW???

NO?
HMMM.

SO THEN? WAS THERE ANYTHING I COULD HAVE SAID?
OR DONE?

IF NOTHING MATTERED?
IF I DIDN'T?

THERE WAS NOTHING!
I COULD HAVE SAID!
OR DONE!

TO BE TREATED THE WAY THEY TREATED 
EVERYONE 
THEY HAD THE TIME FOR....

RIGHT?

DO I SOMETIMES STILL WISH
THAT THINGS HAD GONE BETTER?

YEAH?

BUT THEY DIDN'T.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

BUT I DON'T WANT ANY OLD DYNAMICS.

ESPECIALLY ONES I NEVER AGREED TO.