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Wednesday, November 04, 2026

Mind Shift

I think why I keep pouring it out...
Is so it won't stagnate inside me.

It's hard enough as IT IS...... RIGHT?
WITHOUT PEOPLE NOT WANTING YOU TO MOVE AHEAD!

WANTED ME FUMING OVER THIS SH*T! RIGHT?
OR WHY DO IT?

WANTED TO FK WITH MY "EMOTIONS"
BUT DIDN'T THINK I'D CLOCK THIS. RIGHT?

I'VE SEEN THIS SH*T AT LEAST A FEW TIMES....
SINCE THAT SH*T.

"If I can HIJACK A***'s feelings... She won't move forward!"

WHY DO THAT?
ANY REASON WHY?

"I'M GOING TO PROJECT ON A***!"
SHOULD I PROJECT ON THEM?

I USED TO NOT TALK ABOUT IT.
THAT'S WHY I'M DOING IT.

SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE FUMING OVER THINGS LIKE THIS.

WHEN YOU HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS...
IT'S EASY TO BE MISTAKEN
FOR SOMEONE 
WHO CAN BE PLAYED WITH.

LIKE A LITTLE TOY.
PLAYTHING.

NOPE.

ALL THE FKTARDS "MADE" ME LIKE THIS.
SPARKED ME RIGHT UP.

IMAGINE.

THANKS FOR THAT.
PUSHED ME INTO MY DRIVE.

THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY WANTED!

MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T PLAY!
WITH PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T PLAYING!

YOU THINK I'D LIKE MY HEART GET PLAYED WITH?
YET AGAIN?

ALREADY PLAYED WITH IT!
RIGHT?

AM I SOMEONE WHO WANTS THAT? NO?
THEN WHY TREAT ME LIKE I'M SOMEONE
WHO WANTS THAT SH*T?

AND COULD HAVE LET GO?
SO THAT I COULD?

I WILL.... I HAVE....
ONCE THIS IS OUT... IT'S OUT.

JUST LIKE BEFORE.

WHY SUPPRESS HOW I FEEL....
ABOUT ANY OF THIS?

I USED TO DO IT! I SUPPRESSED IT!
SUPPRESSING IT WASN'T DEALING WITH IT!

WANTING EVERYONE TO THINK THAT I'M XYZ....
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO HAVE XYZ.

AND I NEVER THINK THAT ANYONE 
WOULD OPERATE LIKE THAT.

BUT I'VE EXPERIENCED MANY VERSIONS OF THIS.
HAD MANY VERSIONS OF THIS IN MY LIFE.

NOT JUST FROM HIM.... 

AND THAT IS WHY THIS SH*T IS EVEN MORE
DISAPPOINTING.

PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN WAYS OF LOOKING AT MY STRENGTH
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WTF IT TOOK 
TO HAVE IT, TO GET IT.

WHY I HAD TO BECOME THE WAY I AM.

ALL THE BS I HAVE DEALT WITH...
MY WHOLE LIFE!

IF THEY HAD TO..... WOULD THEY BE "STRONG" LIKE ME?

MAYBE EVEN "STRONGER"! RIGHT?

THEN WHY BE "JEALOUS" OF ME...
WHEN I NEVER FKN ASKED TO BE "STRONG"

DID I EVER ASK FOR THIS SH*T? NO?

DID I EVER THINK THAT THE "CLOSEST" ONES
TO ME... IN MY "LIFE"
WOULD EVER DO ME LIKE THAT?
NO!

WHY WOULD I WANT TO THINK THAT?
SHOULD I HAVE TO THINK THAT?
ABOUT THE "CLOSEST" ONES TO ME?

WOULD YOU WANT TO?
OR WOULD YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO TRUST THEM?

WHAT YOU SEE ABOUT ME....
ARE YEARS OF PENT-UP SH*T.
SH*T THAT I'M NOT GOING TO "SUPPRESS" ANYMORE.

IF PEOPLE WANTED ME TO WRITE "NICELY" ABOUT THEM....
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FKTARDED!

THEY SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME
LIKE THEY ACTUALLY APPRECIATED HAVING ME AROUND!

THEY WANT ME TO..... WHAT?
BE SOMETHING THEY PROJECTED ONTO ME?

NOT WHO I'VE ALWAYS BEEN?
FK THAT!

WELP, I KNOW WHO I AM....
SO PROJECTING SH*T ONTO ME....
DOES WHAT?

IT LOOKS HOW IT LOOKS!

JUST THE WAY IT WOULD LOOK
ON ME
IF I DID THAT SH*T!

PEOPLE "HOLD ONTO"
WHAT THEY "NEED" ME TO BE
TO "BE" WHOEVER THEY ARE.... 

I WASN'T EVER THAT!

IT'S NOT THAT I NEEDED PEOPLE!
I WANTED TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE!

IF I HAVE HAD NOBODY....
WHO WOULD I NEED?

ANYONE?

IF I HAVE "SURVIVED"?
THIS LONG?

LIKE THIS?
HAVING TO DEAL WITH XYZ?

AND THAT'S ON ME....
FOR THINKING...
IT WAS GOING TO BE SOMETHING...
IT DIDN'T TURN OUT TO BE.

THAT... IS ON ME.
BECAUSE.....?
I CAN'T EXPECT IT TO BE
WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE!

I CAN'T!

BUT AT THE SAME TIME....
I DIDN'T NEED TO BE PLAYED WITH.... AT ALL!

DOES ANYONE NEED TO BE?

NO!

IT'S BS. STRAIGHT UP.

WHAT IS THE POINT..... IN BEING "CLOSE"
IF YOU WILL CHOOSE TO....
TURN AROUND AND....
WHENEVER?

WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT?

BECAUSE THEY FK UP....
AND THEY CAN'T TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY....
BECAUSE NOBODY HAS SHOWN THEM HOW!!!!!!!!!!

YOU THINK ANYONE SHOWED ME HOW???????

WHO??????????? 

THE REALEST ONES IN MY LIFE.......!!!!!

WHO HAD ENOUGH RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!
JUST TO BE RESPECTFUL!!!!!!!!!!

WHO WERE NOT???????
NEGLECTFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!

THOSE PEOPLE SHOWED ME!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT THE ONES WHO NEVER WOULD SHOW ME!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE????????

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY'D HAVE TO BE ABOUT THAT.......
TO??????? WHAT?????

TO BE ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF THEY AREN'T????????
HOW TF ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO SHOW YOU????????

HOW TF TO BE????????

HEAR ME?

ALMOST LIKE I'M PREACHING OR SOME SH*T!
BUT ALL THESE THINGS......

I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL ANYONE!!!!!!!!

WHY?????

BECAUSE THEY SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!

THAT'S WHY!

WHY DO I HAVE TO SHOW ANYONE THIS ABOUT ME?
FOR ANYONE TO KNOW THIS ABOUT ME?

AND IS IT REALLY ABOUT ME?

JUST BECAUSE I FEEL THIS WAY?
ABOUT XYZ?

OR ANY TYPE OF WAY ABOUT ANYTHING?

JUST BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WRITING THIS???????

MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD BE!!!!!!!
NOT ME!!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE PEOPLE ACTUALLY FKN LISTEN TO!
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

MAYBE THEY HAVE THE PERFECT WAY
JUST TO SAY
ALL THE DAMN THINGS
I'VE SAID FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS....

ABOUT WHY I *MIGHT* AND *COULD*
POSSIBLY FEEL

ABOUT SPECIFIC THINGS.....

THAT WERE NOT ACTUALLY *FAIR*
AND IT ISN'T EVEN ABOUT THOSE THINGS....

IT WAS MORE ABOUT HOW I WAS EXPECTED
TO FKN DEAL WITH THAT SH*T
AND NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT
LIKE IT NEVER FKN HAPPENED OR SOME SH*T!

ALMOST LIKE BEING "CLOSE"
MEANT FK ALL, EH?

THEN WHY GO THERE AT ALL?
WHY DO THAT?

AND THEN? JUST DISCARD IT!
OKAY!

"A*** USED TO SEE ME." YEAH, I DID.
THOUGHT YOU COULD SEE ME, TOO.

IF YOU DID, WOULD IT HAVE GONE LIKE THAT?

DID PEOPLE MISTAKE THINGS ABOUT ME
FOR THINGS TO TAKE FOR GRANTED?

NOT SURE!
POSSIBLY?

WHY? WANTED ATTENTION FROM EVERYONE ELSE?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
"LOOK AT EVERYONE WHO WANTS ME!"

OKAY. 
COOL.

HOPE ALL OF THAT WAS WHAT YOU WANTED.

"I'M LONELY.... I WONDER WHAT A***'S DOING...."
WELP, A***... IS DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING NOW.

YOU THINK YOU CAN "SUDDENLY"
PAY ME SOME ATTENTION
AND I'D BITE ON THAT?

JUST OUT OF THE BLUE? LIKE THAT?

AFTER NONE?????
FOR HOW LONG?

AND I HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE?
AT ALL?
LET ALONE HOW IT LOOKS TO ME?

SINCE THEY CAN'T SEE IT?

SHOULD I HAVE TO DEFEND MY FEELINGS?
TO EVERYONE?

NO? SHOULDN'T HAVE TO?

"LIFE'S HARD NOW.... WHERE'S A***?"
REALLY??????

WASTED TIME IF THEY DIDN'T TELL ME
HOW THEY "REALLY" FEEL!

RIGHT?

IF THEY HAVE THAT CHANCE TO?

THERE WAS A TIME I'D ACCEPT MORE SH*T!
AND I FKN DID!

BUT I NEVER WANTED TO!
AND I THOUGHT THINGS WOULD CHANGE!

BUT THEY DIDN'T!
BECAUSE????? I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SAY
HOW ANY OF THAT SH*T FELT??????

IF I DID GET TO SAY IT?
SO THAT THEY MIGHT GET IT?
SO THAT THEY WOULD JUST STOP THEIR SH*T?

IF I CAN'T SAY HOW I FEEL.....
HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW?????
HOW I FEEL?????
AND WHY I FEEL LIKE THAT?????

BUT????? DID THEY WANT TO LISTEN?????

DID THEY WANT TO FKN "KNOW" 100%?????
DID THAT REQUIRE ASKING ME????

I'D RATHER KNOW!!!!!!! 100%!!!!!!!!
THAT'S WHY I ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAS I "EMOTIONALLY INVESTED"? YEAH?

AT ONE POINT? YEAH?

YOU THINK FEELINGS MIGHT CHANGE?
YEAH?

THEY DO!!!!!!!!

YOU KNOW HOW FEELINGS CHANGE?
WHEN SHE CAN'T LOOK AT YOU THE WAY SHE USED TO!

YOU KNOW WHEN SHE STOPS LOOKING AT YOU
THE WAY SHE USED TO?

WHEN SHE STOPS TRUSTING YOU!!!!!!!!!

AND IF SHE TRUSTED YOU
LONG AFTER SHE SHOULD... 

IT'S BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO TRUST YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT BECAUSE SHE HAD TO!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

AND SHE WANTED TO....
BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD!

IMAGINE THAT!

AND IF I CAN'T TRUST YOU.....
ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND...
HOW I FEEL AND WHY.... 

ENOUGH TO EVEN LET ME TELL YOU!!!!!!
WHAT AM I "SUPPOSED" TO TRUST YOU WITH?

CAN I TRUST YOU WITH IMPORTANT STUFF....
IF I CAN'T TRUST YOU WITH THAT?

PROBABLY NOT!

RUNNING FROM THEIR FEELINGS... AND MINE...
DOESN'T MAKE THEM "GO AWAY."

IF THAT WAS.... THAT EASY....
WOULD WE BOTHER....
HAVING FEELINGS AT ALL?
LIKE, WOULD WE FEEL ANYTHING? EVER?

WE HAVE THEM TO SHOW US THINGS.
PRIMARILY.

HOW WOULD WE KNOW GUILT?
IF WE NEVER FELT IT?

RIGHT?

OR REGRET?

OR "PAIN."

IS IT "PAINFUL" WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS
THAT YOU ARE "EMOTIONALLY INVESTED"

AND TRIES TO PLAY GAMES WITH YOU?

A BIT? JUST A LITTLE BIT?

AND WHEN SOMEONE TREATS YOU LIKE...
BEING "CLOSE" MEANT NOTHING?

JUST A BIT? YEAH?

HERE'S THE THING:

WHAT I DO WITH MY "PERSONAL PAIN"
IS ON ME.... 
WHAT I CHOOSE TO DO WITH IT.

I HAPPEN TO WRITE ABOUT IT. THAT'S IT.

IF I DIDN'T HAVE WRITING....
WRITING IS SOMETHING ELSE, TO ME.

WHEN I FIND THE WORDS.... FOR THAT... ONE DAY...

IT GAVE ME A "CONNECTION"
TO THE OUTSIDE.

EVERYTHING I FELT, EXPERIENCED.....
WHATEVER... I DIDN'T HAVE TO KEEP CARRYING IT.

IF I CARRIED EVERYTHING WITH ME? FOREVER?
HOW MUCH WOULD IT WEIGH ON ME?

AND THE FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE PURPOSELY
LOADED ME WITH A LOT TO CARRY....

AND WON'T EVER ADMIT IT...
EXPECTED ME TO CARRY IT ALL.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW I COULD BUILD WITH IT.
I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

THAT'S WHAT HAS THEM ANGRY.

THAT I CAN BUILD FROM IT.

AND THAT I WILL GET AHEAD OF IT.
JUST LIKE I HAVE BEFORE.

WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT.


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