Why It Stung

I already wrote about how Mirror Smasher.....
Was my first crush. 

I was a child. So was he. 
I was 2 years old. 
He was 4.

When his mom and my mom stopped being friends....

MY MOM TOLD ME THAT I WAS NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN!

I CRIED FOR DAYS.....!

MY GRANDMOTHER..... BLESS HER..... TOLD ME.....
TO GET ME TO STOP CRYING.....
THAT I WOULD, ONE DAY.

THEN WHEN I TURNED 4 YEARS OLD....
ALL I WANTED....
FOR MY BIRTHDAY....
WAS TO HAVE A LITTLE PARTY
AND HAVE HIM COME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

HE DID COME! WITH HIS MOM.

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF:
"I'M GOING TO MARRY HIM ONE DAY."

AND I DIDN'T SEE HIM AGAIN, 
AFTER THAT.... UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL.

HE DIDN'T REMEMBER ME.
HIS MOM DID.

DO 4-YEAR-OLDS THINK:
"I'M GOING TO RUIN HIS LIFE!
I'M GOING TO TAKE XYZ FROM HIM!"
OR WHATEVER TF?

NO. 

Anyway, that's why it stung. 
BECAUSE MY INTENTIONS WERE PURE.
HOW I FELT WAS REAL.

Maybe all that I was hoping for, if anything....
WAS FOR HIM TO SEE THAT. JUST THAT.

In my mind, if he saw that.... 
He'd see other things, too. 

So BEING TREATED LIKE THAT...........
ALL THAT CARELESSNESS.......

DID HURT. AT THE TIME.....
MORE THAN EVEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

BECAUSE BEFORE THAT.....
I CARRIED A LOT ALREADY.

I DIDN'T THINK HE'D ADD TO IT.

I WAS HOPING HE'D SEE THAT
AND NOT WANT TO ADD TO THAT.

NOBODY SAW WHAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO
CARRY.....
WITHOUT MORE BEING ADDED TO IT.

Someone asked me today: "What's your biggest trauma?"

I can't really point to just one thing as being "the biggest."
Because I've been through a lot of sh*ttiness.

So I told him how my father died.

At the time.... It was traumatic....
BECAUSE A 12-YEAR-OLD DOESN'T KNOW 
HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT.

THAT WAS 30 YEARS AGO.
I HAD 30 YEARS TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

TO PROCESS IT, IN SOME WAY. I DID THAT.

WHO WAS THERE FOR ME WHEN I HAD TO?
ANYONE?

I HAD WRITING. WRITING WAS THERE FOR ME.
UNDERSTAND WHY IT MATTERS TO ME?

I told him how I made peace with it.
HE DIDN'T WANT TO SUFFER.

HIS MOTHER AND HIS BROTHER
BOTH DIED OF CANCER.

IF HE HAD CANCER, TOO, 
HE PROBABLY DIDN'T WANT TO SUFFER.

JUST THAT.

EASIER TO CARRY THAT. 

Everything that happened after that..... 
LIKE BEING EMANCIPATED FROM MY MOTHER....
AND HER CHOOSING THAT....
AND ME NOT HAVING A SAY IN THAT....
AND BEING FORCED INTO PLACES I DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN....
WITH BS RULES I DIDN'T AGREE TO.....

I HAD TO CARRY THAT, TOO.

I had to carry a lot of things that I hardly ever talk about.

WHY DON'T I TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS?
THERE ISN'T MUCH OF A POINT.

BECAUSE EVEN IF I HAD..... ANYONE.... TO TELL.....
WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT IN TELLING THEM?

DID I EVER WANT "PITY" FROM ANYONE?
OR.... UNDERSTANDING?

AND.... WHO.... WOULD UNDERSTAND?
THOSE THINGS?

Heartbreak.... Sure... On some level, we can all understand that... 
Grief.... Sure... On some level, we can all understand that...

But why should I have to tell people WHY I'm tired?
Carrying things for a long time.... Can weigh on someone.
After a long time of carrying it. 

So.... Some things I don't carry anymore.
And.... Not carrying those things anymore....

HAS MADE A DIFFERENCE FOR ME.

NOT THAT I "NEED" SOMEONE "BESIDE ME"
TO "HELP ME" CARRY ANYTHING
I'VE ALREADY CARRIED THIS LONG BY MYSELF. 

BECAUSE.... I DON'T AND NEVER DID.

I found it interesting. As a question. 
I didn't ask him why he asked me that.

I didn't ask him what his is.
I didn't ask him why he wanted to know.

I thought: We already had a conversation
ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT TRUST IS
TO BOTH OF US.

I DIDN'T GET THE FEELING:
"HE'S GOING TO USE THIS AGAINST ME."

SO I TOLD HIM. OPENLY. HONESTLY. 
I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM TALKING ABOUT MY PAST.
MY PAST, THOUGH, IS THE PAST.

I'M NOT THE 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL WHO HAD TO SIT WITH THAT, 
WHILE OTHER KIDS MY AGE HAD THEIR FATHERS.

WHILE HAVING TO FKN SING "TEARS IN HEAVEN"
WITH MY CLASS.... THAT SAME YEAR.... 

THE SONG I SANG WITH HIM IN HIS TRUCK....

I'M NOT THE 13-YEAR-OLD NOBODY WANTED.

I'M NOT THE MOTHER WHO NEVER GOT MARRIED....

I'M NOT THE PERSON WHO'S BEEN DISREGARDED......
FOR YEARS..... OVERLOOKED....
BY ALMOST EVERYONE....
ALL THE TIME....

I AM THE WRITER WHO WROTE.
THE THINKER WHO THOUGHT.
THE FEELER WHO FELT.

THROUGH EVERY LITTLE DAMN THING....
I EVER WENT THROUGH IN MY LIFE.....

ALONE.

SO NOBODY CAN SAY "I WAS THERE FOR HER"
WHEN THEY WEREN'T!

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE
TO STEP UP....

TO ACTUALLY.....
"BE THERE" FOR ME....

BUT???? WRITING WAS THERE FOR ME.

WRITING DOESN'T DISAPPOINT ME, OR HURT ME....
WRITING DOESN'T JUDGE ME OR MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.
WRITING NEVER TURNED ITS BACK ON ME FOR A REACTION.
WRITING NEVER PLAYED GAMES WITH ME.
WRITING NEVER TREATED ME IN WAYS I DIDN'T DESERVE....
FOR "REASONS" I DIDN'T DESERVE... TO BE TREATED.... LIKE THAT.

WRITING NEVER MADE A MOCKERY..... OF MY PAIN.
OR TREATED ME LIKE A JOKE. 

Or treated me like HAVING HUMAN FEELINGS
MADE ME A "PROBLEM."

OR QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
NEVER DOUBTED ME, NOT ONCE.

WRITING WAS MY "SAFE PLACE"
AND HAS BEEN.... SINCE I WAS VERY YOUNG.

SINCE I COULD WRITE.
HAVING THAT.... WAS ALL I NEEDED. EVER.

So that's all I had... And it... Kept me going....
FOR MOST OF MY LIFE.

AND I CAN'T EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
I DON'T GAF IF THEY DO OR DON'T.

THAT'S FOR ME, NOT THEM.
THEY CAN HAVE THEIR OWN THINGS.
IF THEY WRITE, MAYBE IT CAN HELP THEM, TOO.

BUT IT'S FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND THAT, NOT THEM.

SAME WITH.... UNDERSTANDING....
EVERYTHING I CAME TO.... UNDERSTAND....
IN SOME WAY.....
FROM JUST..... EXPRESSING SOME THINGS....

HOW EXPRESSING IT.... MEANT.....
I DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY IT FOREVER.
ON MY SHOULDERS... 
LIKE BEFORE.

And that.... Maybe.... Some other humans....
Might understand pieces of it here and there, if they could. 

If they couldn't.... Then they couldn't... 
And that is okay.

I WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

BECAUSE I DO. 

I HAD TO LIVE WITH THAT STUFF....
CONSTANTLY....

AS THOUGH THERE WASN'T REALLY SUCH A THING....
AS TAKING A BREAK FROM IT....

THERE IS, BUT IT'S NOT QUITE LIKE THAT....
BECAUSE IT'S STILL THERE UNDERNEATH EVERYTHING. 

IT'S EASIER TRYING TO ACT LIKE I'M OKAY.
AND LETTING PEOPLE THINK I AM.

AND THEN JUST HANDLING EVERYTHING ON MY OWN...
LIKE I ALWAYS HAD TO DO ANYWAY.

LETTING "EVERYTHING" BE "MY FAULT"
ALL THE FKN TIME.

NO MATTER WHAT.

BECAUSE NOBODY CAN SEE AND COULD CARE LESS
ABOUT THE TRUTH.

BUT????? THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD SAY.

TRYING TO EARN THE RIGHT TO BE "HEARD"
IS FKN EXHAUSTING.

BY FKN EVERYONE.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO EARN THAT "RIGHT"?

SOME PEOPLE.... JUDGE MY CHARACTER.....
ON THINGS I NEVER EVEN GET TO FKN SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ON QUESTIONS I NEVER GOT TO ANSWER!

THEY NEVER TALK ABOUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!
ONLY ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK I'M LIKE.

BECAUSE NOBODY ACTUALLY KNOWS.

EVEN BEING CONFUSED ABOUT WHY
THAT WAS EVEN HAPPENING....

GETS USED AGAINST ME.

WHAT SOMEONE TELLS THEM....
ISN'T THE WHOLE THING.

BUT....???? DID THEY EVER ASK ME?
OR DID THEY JUMP ON BELIEVING
WHATEVER WAS EASY TO BELIEVE?

2 VERSIONS OF THE SAME THING
CAN'T BOTH BE ACCURATE.

BEING CLEAR DOESN'T MEAN BEING BELIEVED.
OR HAVING THE TRUTH ACKNOWLEDGED.

IF EVERY CONVERSATION I TRIED TO HAVE.....
ENDS UP IN ANOTHER "MISUNDERSTANDING..."

IF EVERY ACCUSATION AGAINST ME...
AGAINST MY CHARACTER....

HAVING TO EXPLAIN MYSELF
YET AGAIN....
WOULD HAVE WHAT?

DONE SOMETHING?
CHANGED SOMETHING?

ANYTHING?
NOTHING?

BUT IT'S ONLY "CORRECT"
WHEN SOMEONE ELSE CORRECTS IT?
ABOUT MYSELF?

PEOPLE ALREADY DECIDED?????
NOT TO LISTEN!!!!!!!!!! TO ME!

SO???? WHAT WAS THERE FOR ME TO SAY?
ANYTHING?

THAT WOULD HAVE "MADE SENSE" TO THEM?

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT DOES WHAT?

GETS ME THE RESPECT I WOULD HAVE HAD?

IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK "DEFENSIVE."
STAYING QUIET MAKES ME LOOK LIKE I HAVE 
SOMETHING TO HIDE.

EXCEPT I REALIZED:
IF I'M NOT GOING TO BE BELIEVED.....
IS THERE A POINT?

IN TRYING TO CONVINCE ANYONE?
OF THE TRUTH?

WHEN THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT IT?

OR ABOUT ME?

PEOPLE LOOK AT ONE THING
AND THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.

WITHOUT ASKING ME ANYTHING.

BUGS ME.... BUT.... THEY DO THIS.

BUT......? WHAT DO THEY LOOK AT?
AND WHY THAT?
AND ONLY THAT?