Testing Me

Testing me does what???? Do you know? 
I'll tell you:

IT P*SSES ME OFF.
IT TURNS ME OFF.

NOT NEEDED. 

"They couldn't see the real in you 
because they were too busy being fake."

"They made this mess trying to sabotage."

"Playing games for the clout."

MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
BECAUSE: COULD HAVE APPRECIATED ME
WHEN I WAS THERE....
TRYING.

And? I ALREADY TRIED.

I don't gaf if he reads it.
Or if any of the fkers who wasted my time read this. 

IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THEIR INFLUENCES
IT WAS THEIR CHOICES.

WANTED ME TO STEP OUT OF CHARACTER.

BUT WHEN THEY AREN'T SATISFIED
WITH WHAT THEY CHOSE.....

THEY TRY TO COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER?

WELP, KEEP THAT ENERGY.

I CAN TEACH PEOPLE BY LETTING THEM HAVE
WHAT THEY CHOSE. 

THEY WANTED THAT, RIGHT?
SO THEN?

"I DON'T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT A***."
SURE ACTED LIKE THEY DIDN'T!

I LET THEM HAVE THAT.
THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED.

NOT THE REACTION THEY WANTED.
RIGHT?

THEY CAN GIVE THEM A TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE!
THEY DON'T LIKE IT....
BUT THEY CAN HAVE THAT.

It's just been exhausting, actually. 
EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

And it's not worth feeling how I even felt about it, 
INITIALLY. 

I'm not ANGRY. Disappointed???? FK YEAH I AM.

WHY WAIT FKN 12 YEARS???????? WHY?
JUST TO DO THE EXACT SAME SH*T?????

Anyway, YEAH.... DISAPPOINTED AF.

But that's that. 

Have I been DISAPPOINTED before? FK YEAH.

AM I TIRED OF THAT???? FK YEAH!

TIRED OF WHAT????? TRYING???????
FOR THAT? FOR NOTHING?
TO BE FKD AROUND? CONSTANTLY?

FALSE HOPES?

That would tire a person out!!!!!!!!! Would it not?

AND WHEN THEY GET TREATED
BY SOMEONE ELSE
THE WAY THEY TREATED ME.... 
THEN THEY SEE MY SIDE.... 

BUT????? DID THEY WANT TO SEE MY SIDE?????
WHEN THEY WERE DOING IT TO ME?

NO. THEY DIDN'T WANT TO!
REFUSED TO!

GASLIGHTING:
IF THAT HAPPENED....

NO.
I WON'T QUESTION MY OWN REALITY. 

HOW FKN INSULTING IS THAT SH*T??????
VERY???????

AND IF I HAD DONE THAT SH*T TO HIM????????
HMMM?????

IF THEY CAN'T EVEN DECIDE....
IF THEY EVEN WANT TO JUST BE FKN DECENT.....

THEN? I DECIDE FOR THEM: 
THEY GET FK ALL.

Anyway, I just.... FKN GIVE UP ON HAVING ANYTHING
EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE
TO THE "PARTNERSHIP"

THAT WOULD BE "NICE" TO HAVE. 

SURE, WOULD HAVE BEEN "NICE."
BUT????? WASN'T TO BE.... OBVIOUSLY. 

Would have been nice to have some things in common. 
Right?

But.... I don't even have the fkn EMOTIONAL BANDWIDTH
TO FKN KEEP TRYING
FOR THE REST OF MY FKN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT ANY MORE! WORN OUT. DONE.

"WHY ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT IT IF YOU'RE DONE?"

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE. JUST THAT.

ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL THE BS. "FINALLY."

THE RELIEF OF NEVER HAVING TO GO THROUGH THAT SH*T
EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACTUALLY FKN MATTERING!!!!!!!!! FOR ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO SOMEONE WHO MATTERED TO ME!

TO MATTER TO EACH OTHER.
BUT????? 

I DON'T FKN HAVE TO MATTER TO FKN ANYONE.
I DON'T GAF ABOUT THAT ANYMORE. 
I USED TO!

IT USED TO MATTER TO ME!
MATTERING USED TO MATTER TO ME!

I CARED ABOUT BEING CARED ABOUT!

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

FOR SOMEONE TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR ME, TOO.
JUST THAT. 

THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH ALL I WANTED.
TO MATTER AND TO BE CARED ABOUT.

I ALREADY FKN KNOW THAT I'M NOT GOING TO BE
"LOVED"
OR "VALUED"
OR "APPRECIATED."

OR FKN ANYTHING LIKE THAT!

BUT TO MATTER AND BE CARED ABOUT....?
WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

AND I DO NOT HAVE TO "BE BACK" IN ANYONE'S LIFE
IF THEY ALREADY FKN SHOWED ME
THAT I DIDN'T FKN MATTER TO THEM! 

RIGHT?

IF THEY ALREADY SHOWED ME
HOW LITTLE THEY CARED.

ONLY WHEN IT WAS FKN CONVENIENT FOR THEM. 
ONLY IF THEY WERE GOING TO GET SOMETHING THEY WANTED.

WITHOUT GIVING A FK WHAT I WANTED.

SURE, I WANTED THAT.....
BUT????? DID I NEED IT?????

I'VE SURVIVED! ON MY OWN! THIS LONG!

WITHOUT WHAT????? HMMM?
WITHOUT WHO????? HMMM?

I DID!!!!!!!! ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO DID I "NEED" THAT?
OR "NEED" ANYONE?

FK NO!!!!!!!!!
DIDN'T!!!!!!

"We don't always get rainbows and sprinkles."
WE SURE DON'T.

BUT WHEN THEY TOSS ME AWAY
LIKE I WAS NOTHING
AFTER TREATING ME
LIKE I WAS NOTHING....

I DON'T FKN HAVE TO BE ANYTHING 
TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!

OR FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T! AND I DON'T WANT TO, EITHER!

IMAGINE THAT!

BUT DO I "HATE" THEM? NO!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST DON'T WANT TO FKN TRY AGAIN.....
BECAUSE I ALREADY FKN DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR A LONG TIME...
I DIDN'T EVEN LET MYSELF FEEL SAD ABOUT IT.

I WAS P*SSED OFF, YES.....
CERTAIN THINGS ARE FKN INSULTING AF!!!!!!!

BUT OTHER THAN THAT?
JUST DISAPPOINTED AND SAD.
MOSTLY. 

SO YEAH... I LET THAT SADNESS HIT.
WHICH IS OKAY.

I'M ALLOWED TO FEEL THAT.
AT THE VERY LEAST.

DID IT STING? YEAH. IT DID..... 
BUT... THAT'S THAT.

IT DOESN'T STING LIKE IT ONCE DID.

JUST... KINDA SAD ABOUT IT. 

NOT THAT I HAVE TO DWELL ON IT FOREVER. 

Mirror Smasher..... HE WAS MY FIRST CRUSH. EVER.
I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY FEELINGS TO MYSELF.
I TOOK THAT RISK.

I TOLD HIM.
BUT HE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW.

THAT'S WHY I WAS "THE TARGET."

HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO TREAT ME LIKE CRAP.
BECAUSE OF THEM. 

AND WHAT COULD I DO?
BUT? LEAVE.

THEY WANTED THAT. 

SO WHAT WAS THE POINT?

THE POINT.... I TOLD HIM. AT LEAST.

THEY RUINED IT. 

NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT HAPPENED.

BUT I DON'T "NEED" ANYONE.
DIDN'T NEED HIM.... 

COULDN'T UNSEE ANY OF THAT.
AND HE ALLOWED IT.

SO THEN? 

I HAD TO JUST.... GO. 

AS MUCH AS THAT SUCKED... 
THAT WAS PLANNED.

EXHAUSTING, BUT.... THAT'S.... THAT.

I COULDN'T KEEP GOING LIKE THAT.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

IT WAS SH*TTY!

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SH*TTY.
TO PUSH ME OUT.

BEEN TIRED OF IT. 

WISH HE WOULD HAVE SEEN IT.
AND NOT ALLOWED IT,
BUT HE DIDN'T SEE IT.
HE ALLOWED THAT.

NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO ALLOWED THAT.

So then.... I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TRY ANYMORE.
OKAY?

IS THAT FAIR?

I had to protect myself
FROM SOMETHING DESIGNED
TO WEAR ME DOWN.

IT WAS WEARING ME DOWN.
HAD ENOUGH.
MORE THAN ENOUGH.

OF CRAP LIKE THAT.

Been dragged through the mud....
FOR WHAT?

YEAH. IT STUNG. IT DID.
BUT NOW?

I'M OKAY. BEEN OKAY. WILL BE.

MOVING FORWARD CAN DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

I DON'T HAVE TO PUT MYSELF LAST. NEVER DID.
Never had to do that. 

Why was I doing that?
Maybe I had my own insecurities. 

MAYBE I WAS QUESTIONING MY OWN REALITY.

BUT WHY DOES IT TAKE FOR ME TO MOVE FORWARD....
FOR THEM TO LOOK BACK, IN ANY WAY?

AFTER DOING THAT SH*T TO ME?

LIKE.... WHY DOES IT TAKE SEEING ME HAPPY
FINALLY....
TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ME AT ALL?

RECOVERING FROM THAT CRAP....
IN GENERAL.....

WHY DOES IT TAKE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHY!

AM I NOT "ALLOWED" TO RECOVER?
TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?

TO EVEN BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T
TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

EVER?

IF THAT WERE TO HAPPEN?

AND WHAT IF I DO?
ONE DAY?

WHY WOULD IT TAKE THAT?
FOR THEM TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ME?

JUST FKN WEIRD.