Who Knows?

It's been weird trying to meet new people. 

1) Some people are cool and normal. 
2) Some people.... Idfk wtf is wrong with them.

The people who are normal... Are CHILL & GREAT!
LIKE BREATHS OF FRESH AIR!

WHILE I DFK WHY.... SOME PEOPLE
KEEP BRINGING UP INTIMACY.

LIKE: YOU BARELY KNOW ME.... IF AT ALL....
WHY BRING THAT SH*T UP?

DO DUDES NOT REALIZE WHAT THAT STUFF....
IS A TURN-OFF IF THEY KEEP AT IT?

1) JUST BECAUSE I AM A FEMALE....
DOES NOT MEAN I "GOTTA GET LAID."

2) MAYBE I DON'T FKN WANT TO?

3) TELLING ME I SHOULD DOESN'T MEAN I WANT IT

4) I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WANT IT

5) WHETHER I EVEN WANT IT IS UP TO ME.

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH!

Talking to some dudes... 
They PRETEND TO BE JOKING.
BUT THEY AREN'T!

IT'S FKN WEIRD! AF! STOP THAT SH*T!

The group I'm in is for meeting people and SOCIALIZING.
NOT DATING.

THAT'S WHAT FKN DATING SITES ARE FOR!

AND IF I WANTED TO DATE...
I'D BE ON ONE OF THOSE!

THE LAST GUY I EVEN DATED....
HEAD PUNCHER... 
(NICKNAME).

I WASN'T ON A DATING SITE.
I MET HIM ON A CHAT SITE. 

I'D JUST QUIT DRINKING FFS...
TOTALLY NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING...

MET HIM.
GAVE HIM A CHANCE.

IF I HADN'T? 
BECAUSE: I DIDN'T FKN HAVE TO! 
DID I? NO!

WHAT WOULD MY LIFE LOOK LIKE....?
IF I HAD KEPT GOING MY OWN WAY?

AND NOT DATED?

AFTER 12 YEAR DISCARD?
(ANOTHER NICKNAME)

If I was just like... OKAY. FK IT. ALL OF IT.
RIGHT AFTER THAT.
JUST FOCUSED ON MY STUFF?

EVEN.... NEVER.... CONTACTED MIRROR SMASHER?
AND JUST.... BEEN... IN MY.... BUBBLE?

WITHOUT ANY OF THAT?

WHY DO I HAVE THAT THING:
"WHAT COULD HAPPEN IF I.... DID XYZ?"

SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A LOT TO MY GRAVE!
HOW I EVER FELT ABOUT FKN ANYONE!

BECAUSE THEY SHOWED ME?
THEY DID NOT FEEL THE SAME FOR ME.
WHICH IS FINE....

BUT.... 
THAT MEANS....
I SHOULD HAVE..... KEPT IT....
TO MYSELF!

BECAUSE TELLING SOMEONE....
HOW I FELT.... REALLY.... ACTUALLY..... FELT....
DID WHAT?

ANYTHING? NO?

WAS IT: "HEY! I FEEL THE SAME WAY!
LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"?

NO. IT WASN'T. 

WHICH..... LIKE I SAID.... IS OKAY!

I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THE SAME WAY, EITHER!

LIKE HOW I FEEL ABOUT INTIMACY.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WANT THAT AT ALL!
RIGHT?

IF I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP, A SOLID ONE....
MAYBE I WOULD!

BUT.... DO I? NO.

SHOULD I BE ALLOWED NOT TO WANT THAT?
BECAUSE: I THINK I SHOULD BE ALLOWED NOT TO WANT THAT.

JUST THAT.

LIKE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN ME.
WHY WOULD ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW ME
BE INTERESTED IN ME?

NOT SAYING THAT THEY WOULD BE
JUST BECAUSE THEY KNEW ME...

NOTHING LIKE THAT...

BUT IF THEY DIDN'T KNOW ME....
IT'S SAFE TO SAY THEY WOULDN'T BE.

RIGHT?

WHY WOULD I BE INTERESTED IN SOMEONE
I DON'T KNOW?

BUT.... HOW WELL DID I ACTUALLY KNOW....
SOME OF THE GUYS I DATED?

I THOUGHT I KNEW THEM... BUT.... DID I?

KINDA HAD THE RUG..... PULLED OUT....
FROM UNDERNEATH ME....
SO MANY TIMES....

THAT.... I DON'T WANT.....
TO BE.... STANDING....
ON.... THE RUG.

FK THE RUG.
FK THE HALLWAY THE RUG IS IN.
FK THE FLOOR THE RUG IS ON.
FK EVERYTHING THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE
PERPETUALLY SWEPT UNDER IT.

AS THOUGH IT NEVER HAPPENED.
IF I FORGOT THAT IT DID.....
IT'D BE LIKE IT NEVER DID, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY.... I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE FORGOTTEN.
THAT IT FKN DID!

SO THAT I WOULD REGRANT ACCESS
TO PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT.

NEVER APPRECIATED ME. 

FINE. COOL. DIDN'T "WANT" ME....
BECAUSE I WAS XYZ
OR I WASN'T XYZ....

OR WHATEVER... 

OR NOT ATTRACTED TO ME....
OR WHATEVER FKN REASON.... 

ALLOWED TO!
ALLOWED TO NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME.
ALLOWED TO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

LIKE..... SOMEONE ASKED ME IF I'D PUT OUT.
LITERALLY ASKED ME THIS....

BECAUSE HE INVITED ME SOMEWHERE.
TO ME: NOT A DATE.
TO HIM: A DATE.

SO HE WANTED TO KNOW IF I'D PUT OUT. 

DA FUQ?????

YOU LITERALLY INVITED ME OUT.....
THINKING IT IS A DATE.....

AFTER I TOLD YOU THAT I DON'T FKN DATE ANYMORE.
AND A BUNCH OF TIMES THAT I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
"ROMANTIC"

AND HE GOES.... "YOU GOTTA GET LAID."

EXCUSE ME? NO. I DON'T. 

I TOLD HIM I HAVE ENDOMETRIOSIS.
HE SAID GRRR.

WHAT? WHY GRRR?

SO I ASKED HIM! WHY GRRR?
HE SAID "NOTHING."

NO.... IT WAS SOMETHING,
SO JUST BE HONEST ABOUT IT. 

WAS TRYING TO "BREAK ME OUT OF MY REALM."
WAS WHAT HE SAID.

NO. HE WAS HOPING I'D SAY..... WANNA FK?
AND I WASN'T BITING THE BAIT. 

THAT'S WHY.

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY REALM. 

WHAT IF I AM CONTENT IN MY REALM? HMMM?
WHAT IF I DON'T NEED TO BE "BROKEN OUT OF IT"?

LIKE: "BREAK HER OF THE HABIT OF NOT WANTING IT."
IT'S MY FKN CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO WANT IT OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I DON'T WANT IT.... TELLING ME:
"YOU GOTTA GET LAID"
DOES WHAT?????? ANYTHING?
TO "CONVINCE ME" THAT I "GOTTA GET LAID"?????

A LOT OF DUDES DON'T FKN GET WHAT IT IS LIKE
TO BE A FEMALE WITH THIRSTY FKTARDS
ACTING LIKE THAT.

CONSTANTLY. 

IT'S ENOUGH TO TURN A CHICK OFF......
FOR CENTURIES..... OKAY?

IT'S NOT CUTE OR HELPFUL
OR ROMANTIC
OR INTRIGUING
OR S*XY....

IT'S FKN DISTURBING.

THAT THEY DON'T "UNDERSTAND"
HOW SOME CHICKS.... CHOOSE...
AND SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE....
NOT TO FKN WANT THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I DID.... HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO TRY TO.....
"BREAK ME OUT OF MY REALM"

THAT REALLY FKN ANNOYED ME.

TODAY.

AND THAT IS WHAT I GET FOR FKN TRYING 
TO JUST FKN MEET NEW PEOPLE FFS. 

"YOU GOTTA GET LAID."

ACTUALLY, I CAN THINK OF LOTS OF OTHER THINGS
I "GOTTA" DO.

OKAY? A LOT. 

LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT FOR A BIT... 

I GET THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE "HYPER ACTIVE"
WHEN IT COMES TO THAT STUFF.
SOME EVEN HAVE ADDICTIONS AROUND IT.

I KNOW SOMEONE WHO TOLD ME HE DID.
WAS AFRAID I'D JUDGE HIM ON THAT.

NO. 

I HAD MY OWN ADDICTIONS. NOT TO THAT, SURE....
BUT.... I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC... 

I TOLD HIM THAT FIRST.... HE IS A HUMAN BEING....
AND SECOND... A NEW FRIEND.

It's just that most people are so used to being JUDGED ON EVERYTHING!
EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM!

I USED TO JUDGE MORE THAN I DO NOW.

DO I STILL HAVE OPINIONS? YEAH. 
LIKE MOST PEOPLE DO.... 

BUT IT WAS A FKN HABIT. 
I WAS AROUND SOME JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE!
THEY ALWAYS HAD TO BE JUDGING FKN EVERYTHING
AND EVERYONE ALL THE FKN TIME!

I PICKED THAT SH*T UP FROM THEM. 
WITHOUT REALIZING I DID.

ANYWAY... IT'S EXHAUSTING....
WASTING ENERGY....
ON THINGS THAT DON'T EVEN FKN MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO TF WHAT?????????? 
BOB WANTS TO WEAR A PINK DRESS?????? WHO GIVES A FK???????

SHOULD I GAF THAT BOB FEELS FKN PRETTY?
IN A DRESS????????

FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARE THERE OTHER THINGS TO FKN CARE ABOUT???????
THAT ARE MORE IMPORTANT????????

THAN BOB WEARING A DRESS???????

OF BOB AND FRANK FKING? 
WHO FKING CARES IF THEY FK EACH OTHER?????? WHO?????
DO I??????? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOES BOB AND FRANK'S ESCAPADES
HAVE ANYTHING TO FKN DO WITH ME???????? AT ALL????? NO???????

THEN WHY TF DO I CARE?
WHY TF SHOULD I?

IT. HAS. NOTHING. TO. DO. WITH. ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I CARE IF BOB AND FRANK GET MARRIED??????
NO!!!!!!!!!!! BE HAPPY BOB AND FRANK! ENJOY YOUR GAY LIFE!!!!!

IT DOESN'T MEAN WE NEED A FKN PARADE ABOUT IT, THOUGH!
JUST..... NONE OF MY BUSINESS!

If 2 people LOVE EACH OTHER.....
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
ANYTHING?
OR..... NOTHING?

PRETTY SURE.... IT HAS NOTHING.....
TO DO..... WITH... ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO THEN...... WHY..... WOULD I.... GAF?????
ABOUT THAT???????

Sure... There are some things that don't have ANYTHING
TO DO WITH ME.....
THAT I DO GAF ABOUT.

Some of the stuff I can't get into on here.....
BECAUSE..... IT'S... LOADED AF.

TRYING TO KEEP THAT LOADED SH*T OFF HERE.
BUT... IT'S NOT OFF MY MIND.

NOT AT ALL.


But..... WHY do guys I TELL that I don't want to date.....
AT ALL.....

WHY DO THEY THINK IT IS A CHALLENGE?

LIKE: "A*** JUST NEEDS CONVINCING!"
"SHE'LL EVENTUALLY COME AROUND!"
NO TF I WILL NOT! 

NOT WANTING IT.....
MEANS..... NOT WANTING IT!

I SHOULD JUST BE ALLOWED TO.... NOT.... WANT.... THAT.
OR OTHER THINGS I DON'T WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE TO BE "CONVINCED" WHEN I DON'T WANT TO BE.
AND DON'T NEED TO BE.....

OR FKN HOUNDED ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ASKING ME A BILLION FKN TIMES.....
AFTER I ALREADY SAID....
NO, I'M GOOD WITHOUT THAT SH*T... 

I wrote a post about any experience I had....
THIS YEAR.

My own fault.....
FOR THINKING A GUY WAS MORE MATURE.....
THAN HE ACTUALLY WAS!

BECAUSE: IF HE WAS.....
HE WOULD HAVE BACKED TF OFF ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE FIRST TIME.

AND REALIZED I NEVER FKN AGREED TO FK HIM.
FLIRTING IS ONE THING.

BUT IT DOES NOT MEAN I AM OBLIGATED TO FK ANYONE!

NO MATTER WHAT "IMPRESSION" THEY GOT FROM IT!
NO MATTER WHAT THEY ASSUMED BECAUSE OF IT!

BUT WHY BE SO DAMN SELFISH.....
THAT IT MATTERS MORE THAT THEY WANT IT.....
THAN THAT I DON'T?

IF I DON'T..... I FKN DON'T!!!!!!!!!!
JUST THAT.

I shouldn't have to want something....
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS ME TO WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!

THAT GOES FOR THEM TOO!

WHICH MEANS THEY DON'T HAVE TO WANT......
ANYTHING THAT I DO!

NOTHING! THEY DON'T HAVE TO!

SO I DO NOT HAVE TO EITHER!

Imagine if an 80 year old wanted to fk a 20 year old....
AND THE 20 YEAR OLD....
WAS LIKE: NO, I DON'T WANT TO FK YOU!

WHY WOULD A 20 YEAR OLD WANT TO FK
AN 80 YEAR OLD?

OR EVEN A 60 YEAR OLD?

RIGHT?

SHOULD THAT 20 YEAR OLD.....
BE ALLOWED TO SAY: HELL NAW?

AND IF YOU WERE THAT 20 YEAR OLD.....
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO SAY "HELL NAW?"

GET THE POINT?

SO IF YOU WERE A FEMALE WHO DID NOT WANT TO FK ANYONE.....
WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO.....
DECLINE ANY "OFFERS"?

PROBABLY!

I blocked 12 Year Discard on FB just now. 
I was able to because apparently we are in the same group. 
I saw him in there. 

So.... I got that chance.
HE DISCARDED ME.
HE DOESN'T GET TO FKN CONTACT ME 
12 YEARS LATER, LIKE I WAS GOING TO JUST
FORGET THAT SH*T.....

AND THEN.... WHEN I REMINDED HIM
THAT HE DISCARDED ME.... 12 YEARS AGO.....
I BECAME "TOXIC."

TOXIC.... IS PLAYING FKN GAMES.....
LIKE: "I'M GOING TO DISCARD YOU.....
AND TRY TO COME BACK......
JUST TO DO IT AGAIN!"

WHY? BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET WHAT HE WANTED?
DID I? NO?

BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT SH*T TO HIM!

PRETTY ARROGANT TO THINK.... I WOULD BE...
"HEY! WELCOME BACK! INTO MY LIFE!
LIKE YOU NEVER DISCARDED ME!"

AND INSULTED TF OUT OF ME....
BEFORE YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!

BUT BE THE "VICTIM" IF YOU WANT!

WHILE NOT "SEEING" HOW YOU TREATED ME!
BECAUSE: "SORRY YOU FEEL LIKE I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY"

NOT: "SORRY I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY."

BIG DIFFERENCE. RIGHT?

I THINK SO!

BUT..... AT LEAST I GOT THAT CHANCE.
TO BLOCK HIM!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T GET TO BE IN MY LIFE AT ALL.
I DON'T NEED HIM SEEING ME
OR WHATEVER. I DON'T. 

Maybe he found this blog somehow.... I dunno....
But... HE WAS JUST TRYING TO BAIT ME
OR SOMETHING ELSE.

DID I WANT TO FIGHT WITH HIM?
OR DID I WANT HIM TO FKN LISTEN TO ME?

TO HEAR ME THE FIRST FKN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF YOU TREAT SOMEONE LIKE SH*T........
WHY.... WOULD THEY WANT TO...... RECONNECT?

HMMM?
WHY?

ESPECIALLY AFTER THEY ALREADY MOVED ON!
BECAUSE YOU FORCED THEM TO.....
BY DISCARDING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! 

HMMM?

COULD HAVE.... LET THEM.... MOVE ON.
JUST.... THAT.

DO I HAVE ANY BUSINESS TRYING TO 
OR EVEN WANTING TO BE BACK IN ANYONE'S LIFE.....
IF I TREATED THEM.... THE WAY THEY TREATED ME?

NO!!!!!!! I DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE TO GO TO BED SOON. AND TRY TO SLEEP.
AS HARD AS THAT CAN BE SOMETIMES.

AT LEAST I GOT TO RETURN THE "FAVOR."
RIGHT?

And what did I do? I LET HIM GO!
BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HE WANTED! RIGHT?

DID I HAVE A CHOICE? NO?

DID I LOOK BACK? NO?

DID I THINK ABOUT HIM SOMETIMES?
WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT WHEN THINGS WERE DECENT?

SURE. 
BUT THEY WENT FROM SUGAR TO SH*T.

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO FORGET THE BS.

But.... Because I'm supposedly ALONE.....
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME COME RIGHT BACK.

NO. 

"IF THEY DON'T WANT TO ADDRESS AN ISSUE....
AND THEY REFUSE TO ADDRESS IT.....
THEY DON'T WANT TO....
AND WILL TRY TO AVOID IT....
AT ALL COSTS!"

EVEN IF IT COSTS THEM YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAS I SUPPOSED TO "FIGHT" TO BE BELIEVED?
HEARD? UNDERSTOOD?
CARED ABOUT?

ANY OF THAT? NO?

FK. THAT. 
HE CAN GO FK HIMSELF.

ROALLY HAS ALREADY.

BUT I THINK I WAS ABLE TO....
BECAUSE THE ACCOUNT HE HAD BLOCKED....
I HAD DELETED IT.... 

I HAD STARTED A NEW ONE... YEARS LATER.
HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. 

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "DESPERATE"
AND "LONELY"
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN "ALONE."

BUT.... I KNOW.... THAT.... THERE.... ARE.... THINGS....
THAT I DON'T KNOW.....
ABOUT HIM. 

AND THERE ARE THINGS....
THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW.....
ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE THOUGHT THAT IF I ACCEPTED HIM BACK....
THERE'D BE SOMETHING IN IT FOR HIM. 

THAT'S WHY.

NOT BECAUSE HE WAS ACTUALLY SORRY.....
FOR TREATING ME HORRIBLY... 

OR WANTED ME FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
OR AT ALL.

BUT.... NOTHING I HAVE.....
OR CAN DO..... 

HAS ANYTHING...... TO DO..... WITH HIM. 
HE HAS NOT BEEN IN MY LIFE FOR 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A LOT CAN CHANGE IN 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!
PARTLY BECAUSE OF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE OF D*CKS! 
WHO APPARENTLY DO NOT KNOW....
HOW NOT..... TO BE.... D*CKS.

BUT.... JUST BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT ME.......
NEVER MEANT......
HE HAD TO SH*T ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT I AM NOT NAIVE ANYMORE!
I SEE SH*T!
I WASN'T SEEING!
AND DIDN'T WANT TO!

YES, I WANTED TO SEE THE BEST IN HIM....
BUT...... THERE ARE THINGS.....
I DON'T KNOW.... ABOUT HIM. 

DID I THINK I KNEW HIM? YEAH?
LIKE I THOUGHT I KNEW MY EX?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DONE WITH THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST BECAUSE I "UNDERSTAND"
DOESN'T MEAN I HAD TO ACCEPT THAT SH*T.

EVER.