Tried To Sleep

It's been hard to sleep tonight. I tried. A few times. 
I've got knockout pills just in case, but they make me feel gross
when I wake up, so... I just... Haven't been.... Taking those.

It still feels kind of sad... I do, I mean. I'm out of it. 

I was watching a video.... Like usual.
The lady made a point in it.

She said that some dudes think "fixing" something means having s*x.
Like how they "resolve" something is by s*x.

I DON'T "RESOLVE" THINGS THAT WAY.
WHAT ACTUALLY CAN BE "RESOLVED" THAT WAY?
NOTHING.

IF DUDE WAS TRYING TO GET WITH ME...
THAT WASN'T GOING TO WORK.
NOT DTF.

BESIDES, IF YOU TURN ME OFF WITH IMMATURITY....
WOULD I FIND THAT S*XY?
ATTRACTIVE?

KIND OF NEED TO BE TURNED ON...
TO EVEN WANT TO!

AND I DON'T! NOT ANYMORE.

I was thinking about this earlier.
WOULD I BE TURNED ON TO EVEN GO THERE?
NOT BY HIM. 

I WAS THINKING: MY ON-AND-OFF SWITCH IS BUSTED.
STUCK ON OFF.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
TURNED OFF SO MANY TIMES THAT I JUST....
DON'T SEE MYSELF BEING TURNED ON.

There were only a few times in the last 4 years or so.
FOLLOWED BY A HUGE TURN-OFF. 

So it kind of "broke" it.

It sucks, but... That's that.

I don't really like being turned on anyway.
BECAUSE IT'S LIKE:
I DON'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY THIS....
BECAUSE "THE OTHER SHOE WILL DROP SOON."

Wish I could, but... I can't.

Not sure why I wrote about that.
It could be related to hormones, too.

One guy I used to talk with...
He said: "He chose a level of hormones over you."
Not sure if it was supposed to help me feel better or what.

Dudes usually choose something over me. Usually.
Shouldn't be "surprised" when they do it.

NOT LIKE I WAS EXPECTING THEM TO CHOOSE ME.
THEY HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M EVERYONE'S "CUP OF TEA."

PROBABLY TOO MUCH OF A "TOMBOY" FOR MOST DUDES
TO ACTUALLY BE ATTRACTED TO ME.

BUT... I'M NOT INTO A LOT OF "GIRLY STUFF."

Here's part of why I'm a "tomboy":

When I was younger.... THERE WERE CREEPY DUDES.
LIKE A VERY YOUNG TEENAGER.
AROUND 14 OR SO....

IF I WORE MAKEUP OR DRESSED IN FEMALE CLOTHES....
THAT CREEPINESS WAS WAY WORSE!
SO MUCH WORSE.

SO? I DIDN'T WANT TO!
BESIDES, IT'S NOT REALLY MY "PERSONALITY."

I DID NOT WANT TO DRAW ANY UNWANTED ATTENTION TO MYSELF.
WEARING MAKEUP ETC.... 
1) MADE ME FEEL GROSS
2) IT FEELS WEIRD ON MY SKIN
3) IT IS EXPENSIVE SH*T
4) I DO NOT ENJOY UNWANTED ATTENTION FROM CREEPY DUDES

IMAGINE?

LOOK HOW ONE DUDE ACTED WHEN I POSTED A PIC ON HERE!

THAT, BUT.... WORSE.

YES, IT P*SSED ME OFF.

BECAUSE I SHOULD JUST BE "ALLOWED" TO POST A PIC, 
OR "BE A FEMALE" WITHOUT ANY BS.

BUT AM I "ALLOWED"? EVER? FK NO!

MAYBE IF I WAS "ALLOWED" TO DO THINGS
THAT I SHOULD BE "ALLOWED TO DO....
WITHOUT ANY BS... 

THEN MAYBE I COULD FEEL "OKAY" ABOUT IT.
BUT I DON'T. 

BECAUSE OF FKTARD MENTALITY. 
THAT'S WHY.

WITHOUT FKTARD MENTALITY....
FEMALES WOULD BE "ALLOWED" TO DO THINGS
WITHOUT ANY BS!

LIKE POSTING A PIC....
WEARING MAKEUP IF SHE WANTS TO...
WEARING FEMALE CLOTHES....

WITHOUT.... BS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITHOUT IT!

I'M GOING TO TRY TO SLEEP AGAIN.... I HOPE I CAN.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO SLEEP. SOON.
SOONER THE BETTER.