Someone might look at my "confidence" in "writing"
AND THINK XYZ ABOUT ME.
WHICH THEY WILL. I KNOW THIS.
I STARTED THIS BLOG KNOWING THIS.
That's part of the reason why....
I don't typically go around telling people I'm a blogger or whatever.
People who know me... Some might know, some might not.
But.... I'll tell you how I started "building confidence."
WHEN I LEARNED HOW TO KNIT.
BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE KNEW HOW.
I TOOK THE TIME TO LEARN AND PRACTICE.
THAT'S WHY I KNOW.
I WAS ALSO TAUGHT HOW.
That little bit of confidence turned into: "I actually like this."
Same with writing.
Yes, it did bug me reading that comment on my photo.
SHOULD I NOT... JUST BE ALLOWED?
THE COMMENT WAS ABOUT EGO.
"ISN'T LOOKING IN THE MIRROR EVERY DAY ENOUGH
FOR YOUR EGO?"
MAYBE IT WOULD BE!
IF I DID THAT SH*T!
BUT LOOK AT A PIC AND THINK WHATEVER.
OR A POST AND THINK WHATEVER.
DOES IT MEAN THAT WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS CORRECT?
ABOUT ME?
ABOUT WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ME?
JUST BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT XYZ?
I COULD THINK TRAVOLTA LIKES WEARING PURPLE SLIPPERS....
BUT DOES THAT MEAN THAT HE DOES?
OR THAT SOME OTHER CELEB SCRATCHES THEIR BUTT
WITH A FORK?
DO YOU GET THE POINT?
DO YOUR THOUGHTS NEED TO CONVINCE YOU
THAT WHAT YOU THINK IS ACTUALLY TRUE?
OR DO YOU THINK.... THAT MAYBE.... YOUR THOUGHTS.....
ARE JUST THOUGHTS.....
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO GAF ABOUT?
DO YOU HAVE TO GAF ABOUT MINE? NO?
THEN? DO I?
I WATCHED A VIDEO THE OTHER DAY....
SOME PEOPLE THREW A FKN DUMPSTER OFF A BRIDGE.
BARELY MISSED THE CAR.
INSANITY.
IT HAPPENED IN FRANCE.
SOMEONE ASKED ME IF IT WAS THE INVADERS DOING IT...
I SAID THAT I DON'T KNOW.
BUT IT'S HORRENDOUS FROM ANYONE.
ANYWAY... I'm learning a new skill. Pretty excited about it, actually.
I'm making actual working things using php.
I'd explain it, but... It's a bit to explain...
And I'm building specific things for specific reasons.
People are QUICK TO JUDGE.
EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW.
THEY SEE CONFIDENCE I HAD TO BUILD
FROM GOING THROUGH THE SH*T I WAS FORCED TO.
AND THINK XYZ. DON'T KNOW WHY..... BUT THEY DO!
It bugs me....
BECAUSE SOME STILL TRY TO "BREAK" ME.
BECAUSE: THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD.
DOES IT SUCK? YEAH?
IF I TRIED TO DO THAT SH*T....
AND WANTED TO DO THAT SH*T......
THEN? COME AT ME FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT FOR SOMETHING I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO FKN DO!
LIKE: POST A PIC?
Coming at me for WHAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO COMPARE YOURSELF?
TO 22+ YEARS OF WRITING CONSISTENTLY?
TO CODING?
TO OTHER THINGS I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FKN DEFEND?
YES, I EXIST.
AM I ALLOWED TO?
AREN'T YOU?
ARE WE? BOTH? ALL?
OR WHAT?
AM I "ALLOWED" TO EXIST?
BECAUSE: APPARENTLY.....
I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO FKN FEEL ANYTHING
ABOUT ANYTHING, I GUESS.
I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO.
BUT SUPPOSEDLY, ACCORDING TO EVERYONE WHO THINKS XYZ....
I'M NOT! HMMM!
I'M ALLOWED TO FKN NOT WANT THAT BS.
WOULD THEY WANT THAT BS? FROM ME?
WOULD THE "PATRIARCHY"
WANT THE MATRIARCH TO ACT LIKE THAT? TO THEM?
NO?
PROBABLY NOT! RIGHT?
THEN? WHY? FKN ACT? LIKE? THAT??????? WHY?
There was a dude I used to chill with....
HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE WITH ANOTHER DUDE.
SO HE WANTED ME TO DROP THAT DUDE.
I KNOW THAT CRAP HAPPENS.
WHEN SOMEONE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE 2 PEOPLE TOGETHER...
THEY'LL DO AND SAY ALL KINDS OF SH*T
TO TRY TO "INFLUENCE" US TO DO WHAT
THEY WANT US TO DO.
HAPPENED A FEW TIMES.
1) BECAUSE THEY KNEW I COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY
2) THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY
3) THEY WANTED TO BE "CHOSEN" INSTEAD
4) THAT DOESN'T WORK
IT ONLY WORKS IF PEOPLE DO NOT SEE THAT.
WHY THEY ARE DOING THAT.
PEOPLE CAN HIDE JEALOUSY WELL.
BUT THEY ACT FROM IT.
When someone WANTS SOMEONE FOR THEMSELVES....
THEY'LL DO WHATEVER TO SABOTAGE IT.
ON BOTH SIDES SOMETIMES!
That's why communication is supposed to be important.
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION.
And if someone WANTED TO KEEP THEM....
UNDER THEIR "CONTROL"
THEY'LL DO WHATEVER TO TRY TO STOP.....
SOMEONE FROM "MOVING FORWARD."
Especially if they are going to RISE UP.
IF THEY "LET THEM."
IF THEY KNOW IT WOULD BE SOMETHING GOOD....
THEY WOULDN'T WANT THAT.
SO THEY WANT TO STOP THAT.
ESPECIALLY AN EX.
TOXIC PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T.
THEY DON'T "LET" PEOPLE MOVE ON.
AND IF THE PERSON WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "CONTROLLED"
GROWS INTO A PERSON NOBODY CAN DO THAT SH*T TO....
WHY WOULD THEY WANT THAT?
THEY'D LOSE "CONTROL."
THAT HAPPENS. A LOT.
IF SOMEONE WHO WAS A "SLAVE TO THEIR ENVIRONMENT"
WHOEVER TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT....
DON'T WANT THAT!
THEY WANT TO KEEP DOING THAT SH*T!
OF COURSE THEY DO!
AND IF I WOULD HAVE ENDED THAT.....
THEY DIDN'T WANT THAT.
SIMPLE.
BUT......... "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
WELL THEN? FK OFF IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
CAN ONLY POINT THINGS OUT
SO MANY TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH!!!!!
ESPECIALLY IF THEY WANT THAT FKN ENVIRONMENT!
AND WHY WOULD THEY WANT ME THERE?
IF I WOULD HAVE SEEN IT?
I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT WAS FKN FRUSTRATING!
NOT GOING TO "STAY STUCK"
BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN'T WANT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.
SUCKS TO BE IN THAT ENVIRONMENT....
WOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THAT.
BUT IF THEY CHOOSE WHAT THEY KNOW.....
OVER A WAY TO CHANGE SOME THINGS AROUND....
OVER LEAVING CERTAIN THINGS BEHIND....
WHILE WANTING ME TO "CHASE."
BECAUSE IF I DID "CHASE."
THEY THINK THEY DON'T HAVE TO "CHANGE" ANYTHING.
ENVIRONMENT INCLUDED.
NOT JUST THEIR OWN BS.
ESPECIALLY IF THEIR ENVIRONMENT
HAS SUCH A BS HOLD ON THEM.
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO CONTROL THEM.
AND USE THEM.
ALL THE EMPATHY IN THE WORLD.....
DOESN'T WORK TO CHANGE ANYONE
WHO CHOOSE FAKE OVER REAL.
I SAW IT. HE DOESN'T.
NOT ON ME TO REALIZE THAT SH*T.
FOR HIM. IT'S HIS.
MIRROR BREAKER. HIS.
BUT THERE ARE SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.
I SEE WHAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE.
AND BECAME THE "ENEMY" FOR SEEING IT.
OH WELL. THEN? FKN HATE ME FOR SEEING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHOULD I CARE?
THINK I NEVER HAD PEOPLE TRYING TO EMOTIONALLY
MANIPULATE ME?
I DID!
DID I WANT TO SEE THAT THEY WERE? NO?
BUT IF ANYONE CAME TO ME ABOUT ANY OF THAT.....
AND I TREATED THEM LIKE SH*T FOR IT....
THAT WOULD BE ON ME FOR DOING IT.
FOR THAT.
AND IF SOMEONE WANTS TO MANIPULATE YOU....
THEY WILL DO IT WITHOUT YOU KNOWING IT.
And..... HOW CAN YOU CLAIM YOU KNOW ME.....
WHEN YOU NEVER FKN DID????
SO THEN? ANYONE WHO CLAIMS THEY DO....
DO THEY??????
NO? HMMM.
CAN SOMEONE READ MY POSTS AND "KNOW" ME?
MAYBE SOME THINGS ABOUT ME.....
BUT DO THEY "KNOW" ME?
FROM THAT? NO?
BUT... KIND OF EMBARRASSING.....
TRYING TO BUILD A STORY....
ABOUT ME....
TO TRY TO GET PEOPLE TO THINK.... WHATEVER.
ABOUT ME.
ESPECIALLY..... WHEN THEY GET "CAUGHT" DOING IT.
THEY CAN'T SAY:
"I WAS TRYING TO GET YOU TO THINK XYZ ABOUT A***.
BECAUSE I NEEDED THE "STORY"
TO "PROTECT" MYSELF FROM LOOKING AT MYSELF."
BECAUSE IF THEY SAID THAT....
IT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING!
"THE STORY IS THE ONLY THING BETWEEN THEM
AND THEMSELVES."
THAT'S WHY THEY DO THAT.
BECAUSE: "IF A*** IS THE PROBLEM, I'M NOT."
SO THEN? THEY "HAVE TO" TRY TO "MAKE" ME THE "PROBLEM"?
YEAH? HMMM.
INSTEAD OF: HOW DID I FK THIS UP WITH A***?
WHY WOULD A*** BE "MIFFED"?
PROBABLY: SOMETHING WAS FKN UNFAIR!
1) UNFAIR THAT I'M BEING "MADE" SOMETHING I'M NOT!
2) UNFAIR THAT THEY LISTEN TO FKN EVERYONE ELSE!
3) UNFAIR THAT THEY'D RATHER BELIEVE BS!
4) UNFAIR THEY'D SWITCH UP BECAUSE OF BS!
5) UNFAIR THEY'D DO A BUNCH OF BS AND NOT BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR IT!
6) FKN AUDACIOUSLY UNFAIR TO BLAME ME FOR YOUR BS!
7) UNFAIR THEY DON'T REALIZE HOW FKN UNFAIR IT WAS TO ME!
8) UNFAIR THAT I HAVE TO POINT SH*T OUT!
9) UNFAIR THAT I'M PUSHED TO POINT IT OUT!
10) UNFAIR THAT WHEN I DO..... I GET MORE BS!
Maybe.... That.... Might.... Be..... Why.
A checklist!
My patience HAS LIMITS!
IMAGINE?
BUT TAKE MY PATIENCE FOR GRANTED....
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
Maybe what happens: ACCESS DENIED.
BECAUSE: I TRIED!
Instead: "I'll treat A*** like a BACKUP PLAN"
UNTIL SHE GETS TIRED OF THAT SH*T.
"I'LL JUST COME BACK TO THIS 12 YEARS LATER....
BECAUSE A*** WILL STILL BE THERE."
WILL I? FK NO.
A*** WAS THERE. WAS! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE!!!!!!!!!!
AND SOME ONLY REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS
WHEN A*** ISN'T THERE ANYMORE!
MAYBE MY ABSENCE SAYS THINGS FOR ME.
THAT BEING THERE "COULDN'T" SAY.
BECAUSE WHEN THEY CAN'T GET ANYTHING FROM ME,
THEY *MIGHT* "MISS" THE THINGS I USED TO DO FOR THEM!
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO!
THAT I CHOSE TO!
BUT WHEN I WAS "AVAILABLE"?
"GOTTA PUSH A*** AWAY!"
UNTIL? SHE GOES AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT MISSING THE ATTENTION I GAVE THEM....
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS BEING READY
TO ACTUALLY VALUE ME AS A PERSON
OR HAVING ME IN THEIR LIFE.
MISSING "OUR TALKS"
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS MISSING "ME."
BUT BEING AVAILABLE..... OFTEN MEANS.....
THEY THINK I WILL ALWAYS BE!
ALWAYS!
SHOULD I WANT TO BE THE "FENCE" THEY WANT TO SIT ON?
"INTERPRETING YOUR KINDNESS AS PROOF THAT YOU WOULD STAY."
I STAYED AS LONG AS I WANTED TO.
I NEVER FKN "HAD TO."
WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE "THE BACKUP PLAN"? WTF?
SHOULD I WANT TO PROVE MY WORTH TO SOMEONE?
CONSTANTLY?
SHOULD MY VALUE "DEPEND" ON BEING "CHOSEN"? NO!!!!!!!!
MORE LIKE: "DO THEY DESERVE ACCESS TO ME?"
YES OR NO?????????
BECAUSE IF THEY FKN DON'T...... THEY CAN FK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.
THRICE ON SUNDAYS. OKAY? THRICE!!!!
WITH UNCOOKED RICE!
So..... I was talking with a friend who is younger than me....
HE'S HAD A CRAPPY LOVE LIFE ALSO.
HE THINKS IT'S BECAUSE HE'S KIND AND CARES
THAT HE ENDS UP WITH HOES.
AND THEY CHOOSE SOMEONE OVER HIM
AFTER USING HIM AND TREATING HIM LIKE CRAP.
AND WHO THEY CHOOSE OVER HIM IS WAY WORSE THAN HIM.
I KNOW THAT FEELING.
BEEN THERE.
I TOLD HIM THAT BY THE TIME HE'S MY AGE....
HE'LL EITHER BE MARRIED, DIVORCED, OR JUST DONE WITH IT.
BESIDES, THERE ARE OTHER THINGS THAN DATING!
HE SAID: "MAYBE BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANT TO CONNECT."
DO PEOPLE EVEN KNOW HOW TO "CONNECT" ANYMORE?
PEOPLE KNOW WHAT "TRAUMA BONDS" ARE.....
BUT DO THEY KNOW HOW TO BOND? FOR REAL? NO?
DO THEY KNOW WHAT LOYALTY IS? NO?
KNOWING I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SH*T.....
WENT ALONG WITH THE BS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"THEY SH@T ON YOU TO MAKE THEM HAPPY."
YEAH, USUALLY BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE.
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION.
AND WHEN SOMEONE CAN CONNECT WITH SOMEONE ELSE....
WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT THAT....
THEY'LL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY.....
TO TRY TO STOP THAT.
FROM HAPPENING.
"RUNNING INTERFERENCE."
IF YOU DON'T SEE THAT SH*T FOR WHAT IT IS....
IT STILL IS WHAT IT IS.
AND IF YOU SH*T ON ME TO "MAKE" SOMEONE "HAPPY"????
FKN STAY TF OVER THERE WITH THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT DOWN FOR ME.
NOT DOWN WITH ME.
GO FK YOURSELF IF YOU'RE NOT.
DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE TO SH*T ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR WHAT?
TO "MAKE" SOME JEALOUS B*TCH "HAPPY"?
BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO CONTROL YOU?
AND "MAKE" YOU SH*T ON ME?
BECAUSE IF YOU SH*T ON ME ENOUGH....
I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU TO FK OFF?
HMMM.
WELL YEAH!
I WAS GOING TO JUST.... KEEP TAKING THAT SH*T?
BECAUSE SOME JEALOUS HOE "HATES" ME?
SHE CAN GO FK HERSELF TOO!!!!!!!!! BOTH OF THEM.
LIKE HE COULD HAVE TOLD HER TO GO DO!
"IS A*** BROKEN YET? ALMOST READY TO K*LL HERSELF?"
"DID SHE RELAPSE YET?"
YOU THINK I NEVER SAW THAT SH*T BEFORE???????
IT'S FKD UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FKD..... UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT THAT'S...... LIFE.
IT IS.... WHAT IT IS.
WAS I SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL THEY GET THEIR HEAD
OUT OF THEIR @SS?
HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE? FOREVER? YEARS?
OF WASTED TIME?
IF HE WANTS TO WASTE HIS TIME ON THAT..... OKAY.
GO.... DO..... THAT.
HAVE FUN..... WITH.... THAT. OKAY?
BUT IF THEY HAVE TO FEEL MY ABSENCE TO JUST....
FKN SEE SOMETHING....
THEY CAN FEEL IT.
AND SEE IT.
I'LL BE GONE, THOUGH.
BECAUSE I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THAT SH*T.
WOULD HE WANT TO WAIT FOR THAT SH*T?
FOR ME TO REALIZE THOSE THINGS? NO?
FOR ME TO SEE THE "CRABS IN THE BUCKET"?
WHO WILL KEEP YOU STUCK WITH THEM?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT?
AND DON'T GAF WHAT YOU WANT?
But HOW MANY TIMES am I supposed to SAY
THE SAME THINGS?
THE THINGS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD REALIZE?
AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY:
"REALIZE XYZ!"
WHY DOES IT TAKE FKN YEARS
OF GOING "THE WRONG WAY"
TO SEE WHICH WAY THEY COULD HAVE GONE?
YEARS OF PEOPLE TRYING TO "KEEP" THEM "AWAY"
FROM ME?
FOR SELFISH FKN REASONS?
HMMM.
BUT.... THEY WENT..... THAT WAY.
BUT SH*T ON ME..... FOR YEARS.....
BECAUSE OF SOME JEALOUS HOE(S).....
AND EXPECT ME TO WANT TO BE THERE?!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?????????
EXCUSE ME??????!!!!! WHAT????!!!!! WTF?
PATIENCE EXPIRES!
I DON'T HAVE A GRUDGE. I DON'T REALLY GAF NOW.
WAS SHOCKED TO "HEAR FROM" HIM 12 YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?????????
AFTER SH*TTING ON ME???????????????
FOR SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO SEE THEM HAPPY?
AND THEN BLAME ME? ON TOP OF THAT?
TO SH*T ON ME SOME MORE?
"MUST MAKE HIM DROP A***!"
IN ANY WAY I CAN!
THOUGHT HE KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT!
BUT I GUESS NOT!
IF HE DID, THAT WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED!
AND WHEN THEY "MISS" ME EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT....
IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY "MISS" ME.
THEY "MISSED" THE OPPORTUNITY!
"CAN'T LET HIM FEEL ANYTHING FOR A***!"
"IF HE DOES, HE'LL DROP ME!"
HE COULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR ME!
FOR HIMSELF!
BUT DID HE? NO?
"A*** WAS SUPPOSED TO RELAPSE!"
"A*** WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SHATTERED!"
OR WHAT? I ACCEPTED THAT IT ENDED?
LIKE THEY COULD HAVE?
AND LET HIM MOVE ON?
AND LET HIM INVEST LIKE HE COULD HAVE?
BUT NO! BETTER PUT AN END TO THAT!
"CAN'T TALK TO HER! BETTER STOP THAT!"
"CAN'T SPEND TIME WITH HER! BETTER STOP THAT!"
"BETTER MAKE HIM THINK XYZ!"
I KNEW IT WAS "SUPPOSED" TO "MAKE" ME RELAPSE!
I KNOW THAT!
I'M NOT STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAW THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
WHEN YOU SEE IT, YOU CANNOT UNSEE IT.
BECAUSE: "IF A*** RELAPSES, SHE WAS NEVER FKN ANYTHING."
SURE I CAN "FORGIVE" SOMEONE....
BUT DO I WANT TO BE IN THEIR LIFE?
WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO BE IN MINE?
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE IF THEY WANTED THAT CHANCE....
THEY WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT!
DEFENDED IT!
KEPT IT.
KEPT ME.
REFUSED TO SH*T ON ME....!!!!
RESPECTED ME.
I DGAF IF ANYONE EVER LOVES ME OR NOT.
I FKN GAVE UP ON THAT SH*T....
BUT COULD THEY HAVE JUST.... BEEN DECENT?
LIKE I THOUGHT THEY WERE?
WHEN I USED TO SEE THEM THE WAY I USED TO?
BUT DID I SEE THEM THAT WAY.....
BECAUSE I LOOKED AT THEM THAT WAY?
LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING!
BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTED THEM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S WHY.
Was I supposed to "CALM DOWN" in the 12 years?
SO HE CAN COME BACK?
WHENEVER HE "WANTED" TO? WTF????????????
"SHE'S PATIENT! SHE WON'T GO ANYWHERE!"
FKN ARROGANT!!!!!!!!!!!
TO THINK THEY KNOW ME! WTF???????
"A*** WILL UNDERSTAND! SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK."
NOT.... THIS.... TIME. FK THAT.
PATIENCE DOESN'T EQUAL LOYALTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I STOP TRYING TO REPAIR IT?
WHAT I DIDN'T BREAK?
THEY WANTED ME TO REACT.... FOR INFO.
"WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO
WHEN THEY ARE NOT FORCED TO FKN GROW UP?"
WATCH. SEE. KNOW.
THEY STUDY YOUR REACTIONS?
THEY DO SH*T TO GET A REACTION?
WHICH THEY WILL. I KNOW THIS.
I STARTED THIS BLOG KNOWING THIS.
That's part of the reason why....
I don't typically go around telling people I'm a blogger or whatever.
People who know me... Some might know, some might not.
But.... I'll tell you how I started "building confidence."
WHEN I LEARNED HOW TO KNIT.
BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE KNEW HOW.
I TOOK THE TIME TO LEARN AND PRACTICE.
THAT'S WHY I KNOW.
I WAS ALSO TAUGHT HOW.
That little bit of confidence turned into: "I actually like this."
Same with writing.
Yes, it did bug me reading that comment on my photo.
SHOULD I NOT... JUST BE ALLOWED?
THE COMMENT WAS ABOUT EGO.
"ISN'T LOOKING IN THE MIRROR EVERY DAY ENOUGH
FOR YOUR EGO?"
MAYBE IT WOULD BE!
IF I DID THAT SH*T!
BUT LOOK AT A PIC AND THINK WHATEVER.
OR A POST AND THINK WHATEVER.
DOES IT MEAN THAT WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS CORRECT?
ABOUT ME?
ABOUT WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ME?
JUST BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT XYZ?
I COULD THINK TRAVOLTA LIKES WEARING PURPLE SLIPPERS....
BUT DOES THAT MEAN THAT HE DOES?
OR THAT SOME OTHER CELEB SCRATCHES THEIR BUTT
WITH A FORK?
DO YOU GET THE POINT?
DO YOUR THOUGHTS NEED TO CONVINCE YOU
THAT WHAT YOU THINK IS ACTUALLY TRUE?
OR DO YOU THINK.... THAT MAYBE.... YOUR THOUGHTS.....
ARE JUST THOUGHTS.....
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO GAF ABOUT?
DO YOU HAVE TO GAF ABOUT MINE? NO?
THEN? DO I?
I WATCHED A VIDEO THE OTHER DAY....
SOME PEOPLE THREW A FKN DUMPSTER OFF A BRIDGE.
BARELY MISSED THE CAR.
INSANITY.
IT HAPPENED IN FRANCE.
SOMEONE ASKED ME IF IT WAS THE INVADERS DOING IT...
I SAID THAT I DON'T KNOW.
BUT IT'S HORRENDOUS FROM ANYONE.
ANYWAY... I'm learning a new skill. Pretty excited about it, actually.
I'm making actual working things using php.
I'd explain it, but... It's a bit to explain...
And I'm building specific things for specific reasons.
People are QUICK TO JUDGE.
EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW.
THEY SEE CONFIDENCE I HAD TO BUILD
FROM GOING THROUGH THE SH*T I WAS FORCED TO.
AND THINK XYZ. DON'T KNOW WHY..... BUT THEY DO!
It bugs me....
BECAUSE SOME STILL TRY TO "BREAK" ME.
BECAUSE: THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD.
DOES IT SUCK? YEAH?
IF I TRIED TO DO THAT SH*T....
AND WANTED TO DO THAT SH*T......
THEN? COME AT ME FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT FOR SOMETHING I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO FKN DO!
LIKE: POST A PIC?
Coming at me for WHAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO COMPARE YOURSELF?
TO 22+ YEARS OF WRITING CONSISTENTLY?
TO CODING?
TO OTHER THINGS I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FKN DEFEND?
YES, I EXIST.
AM I ALLOWED TO?
AREN'T YOU?
ARE WE? BOTH? ALL?
OR WHAT?
AM I "ALLOWED" TO EXIST?
BECAUSE: APPARENTLY.....
I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO FKN FEEL ANYTHING
ABOUT ANYTHING, I GUESS.
I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO.
BUT SUPPOSEDLY, ACCORDING TO EVERYONE WHO THINKS XYZ....
I'M NOT! HMMM!
I'M ALLOWED TO FKN NOT WANT THAT BS.
WOULD THEY WANT THAT BS? FROM ME?
WOULD THE "PATRIARCHY"
WANT THE MATRIARCH TO ACT LIKE THAT? TO THEM?
NO?
PROBABLY NOT! RIGHT?
THEN? WHY? FKN ACT? LIKE? THAT??????? WHY?
There was a dude I used to chill with....
HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE WITH ANOTHER DUDE.
SO HE WANTED ME TO DROP THAT DUDE.
I KNOW THAT CRAP HAPPENS.
WHEN SOMEONE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE 2 PEOPLE TOGETHER...
THEY'LL DO AND SAY ALL KINDS OF SH*T
TO TRY TO "INFLUENCE" US TO DO WHAT
THEY WANT US TO DO.
HAPPENED A FEW TIMES.
1) BECAUSE THEY KNEW I COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY
2) THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY
3) THEY WANTED TO BE "CHOSEN" INSTEAD
4) THAT DOESN'T WORK
IT ONLY WORKS IF PEOPLE DO NOT SEE THAT.
WHY THEY ARE DOING THAT.
PEOPLE CAN HIDE JEALOUSY WELL.
BUT THEY ACT FROM IT.
When someone WANTS SOMEONE FOR THEMSELVES....
THEY'LL DO WHATEVER TO SABOTAGE IT.
ON BOTH SIDES SOMETIMES!
That's why communication is supposed to be important.
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION.
And if someone WANTED TO KEEP THEM....
UNDER THEIR "CONTROL"
THEY'LL DO WHATEVER TO TRY TO STOP.....
SOMEONE FROM "MOVING FORWARD."
Especially if they are going to RISE UP.
IF THEY "LET THEM."
IF THEY KNOW IT WOULD BE SOMETHING GOOD....
THEY WOULDN'T WANT THAT.
SO THEY WANT TO STOP THAT.
ESPECIALLY AN EX.
TOXIC PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T.
THEY DON'T "LET" PEOPLE MOVE ON.
AND IF THE PERSON WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "CONTROLLED"
GROWS INTO A PERSON NOBODY CAN DO THAT SH*T TO....
WHY WOULD THEY WANT THAT?
THEY'D LOSE "CONTROL."
THAT HAPPENS. A LOT.
IF SOMEONE WHO WAS A "SLAVE TO THEIR ENVIRONMENT"
WHOEVER TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT....
DON'T WANT THAT!
THEY WANT TO KEEP DOING THAT SH*T!
OF COURSE THEY DO!
AND IF I WOULD HAVE ENDED THAT.....
THEY DIDN'T WANT THAT.
SIMPLE.
BUT......... "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"
WELL THEN? FK OFF IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
CAN ONLY POINT THINGS OUT
SO MANY TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH!!!!!
ESPECIALLY IF THEY WANT THAT FKN ENVIRONMENT!
AND WHY WOULD THEY WANT ME THERE?
IF I WOULD HAVE SEEN IT?
I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT WAS FKN FRUSTRATING!
NOT GOING TO "STAY STUCK"
BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN'T WANT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.
SUCKS TO BE IN THAT ENVIRONMENT....
WOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THAT.
BUT IF THEY CHOOSE WHAT THEY KNOW.....
OVER A WAY TO CHANGE SOME THINGS AROUND....
OVER LEAVING CERTAIN THINGS BEHIND....
WHILE WANTING ME TO "CHASE."
BECAUSE IF I DID "CHASE."
THEY THINK THEY DON'T HAVE TO "CHANGE" ANYTHING.
ENVIRONMENT INCLUDED.
NOT JUST THEIR OWN BS.
ESPECIALLY IF THEIR ENVIRONMENT
HAS SUCH A BS HOLD ON THEM.
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO CONTROL THEM.
AND USE THEM.
ALL THE EMPATHY IN THE WORLD.....
DOESN'T WORK TO CHANGE ANYONE
WHO CHOOSE FAKE OVER REAL.
I SAW IT. HE DOESN'T.
NOT ON ME TO REALIZE THAT SH*T.
FOR HIM. IT'S HIS.
MIRROR BREAKER. HIS.
BUT THERE ARE SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.
I SEE WHAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE.
AND BECAME THE "ENEMY" FOR SEEING IT.
OH WELL. THEN? FKN HATE ME FOR SEEING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHOULD I CARE?
THINK I NEVER HAD PEOPLE TRYING TO EMOTIONALLY
MANIPULATE ME?
I DID!
DID I WANT TO SEE THAT THEY WERE? NO?
BUT IF ANYONE CAME TO ME ABOUT ANY OF THAT.....
AND I TREATED THEM LIKE SH*T FOR IT....
THAT WOULD BE ON ME FOR DOING IT.
FOR THAT.
AND IF SOMEONE WANTS TO MANIPULATE YOU....
THEY WILL DO IT WITHOUT YOU KNOWING IT.
And..... HOW CAN YOU CLAIM YOU KNOW ME.....
WHEN YOU NEVER FKN DID????
SO THEN? ANYONE WHO CLAIMS THEY DO....
DO THEY??????
NO? HMMM.
CAN SOMEONE READ MY POSTS AND "KNOW" ME?
MAYBE SOME THINGS ABOUT ME.....
BUT DO THEY "KNOW" ME?
FROM THAT? NO?
BUT... KIND OF EMBARRASSING.....
TRYING TO BUILD A STORY....
ABOUT ME....
TO TRY TO GET PEOPLE TO THINK.... WHATEVER.
ABOUT ME.
ESPECIALLY..... WHEN THEY GET "CAUGHT" DOING IT.
THEY CAN'T SAY:
"I WAS TRYING TO GET YOU TO THINK XYZ ABOUT A***.
BECAUSE I NEEDED THE "STORY"
TO "PROTECT" MYSELF FROM LOOKING AT MYSELF."
BECAUSE IF THEY SAID THAT....
IT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING!
"THE STORY IS THE ONLY THING BETWEEN THEM
AND THEMSELVES."
THAT'S WHY THEY DO THAT.
BECAUSE: "IF A*** IS THE PROBLEM, I'M NOT."
SO THEN? THEY "HAVE TO" TRY TO "MAKE" ME THE "PROBLEM"?
YEAH? HMMM.
INSTEAD OF: HOW DID I FK THIS UP WITH A***?
WHY WOULD A*** BE "MIFFED"?
PROBABLY: SOMETHING WAS FKN UNFAIR!
1) UNFAIR THAT I'M BEING "MADE" SOMETHING I'M NOT!
2) UNFAIR THAT THEY LISTEN TO FKN EVERYONE ELSE!
3) UNFAIR THAT THEY'D RATHER BELIEVE BS!
4) UNFAIR THEY'D SWITCH UP BECAUSE OF BS!
5) UNFAIR THEY'D DO A BUNCH OF BS AND NOT BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR IT!
6) FKN AUDACIOUSLY UNFAIR TO BLAME ME FOR YOUR BS!
7) UNFAIR THEY DON'T REALIZE HOW FKN UNFAIR IT WAS TO ME!
8) UNFAIR THAT I HAVE TO POINT SH*T OUT!
9) UNFAIR THAT I'M PUSHED TO POINT IT OUT!
10) UNFAIR THAT WHEN I DO..... I GET MORE BS!
Maybe.... That.... Might.... Be..... Why.
A checklist!
My patience HAS LIMITS!
IMAGINE?
BUT TAKE MY PATIENCE FOR GRANTED....
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
Maybe what happens: ACCESS DENIED.
BECAUSE: I TRIED!
Instead: "I'll treat A*** like a BACKUP PLAN"
UNTIL SHE GETS TIRED OF THAT SH*T.
"I'LL JUST COME BACK TO THIS 12 YEARS LATER....
BECAUSE A*** WILL STILL BE THERE."
WILL I? FK NO.
A*** WAS THERE. WAS! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE!!!!!!!!!!
AND SOME ONLY REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS
WHEN A*** ISN'T THERE ANYMORE!
MAYBE MY ABSENCE SAYS THINGS FOR ME.
THAT BEING THERE "COULDN'T" SAY.
BECAUSE WHEN THEY CAN'T GET ANYTHING FROM ME,
THEY *MIGHT* "MISS" THE THINGS I USED TO DO FOR THEM!
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO!
THAT I CHOSE TO!
BUT WHEN I WAS "AVAILABLE"?
"GOTTA PUSH A*** AWAY!"
UNTIL? SHE GOES AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT MISSING THE ATTENTION I GAVE THEM....
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS BEING READY
TO ACTUALLY VALUE ME AS A PERSON
OR HAVING ME IN THEIR LIFE.
MISSING "OUR TALKS"
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS MISSING "ME."
BUT BEING AVAILABLE..... OFTEN MEANS.....
THEY THINK I WILL ALWAYS BE!
ALWAYS!
SHOULD I WANT TO BE THE "FENCE" THEY WANT TO SIT ON?
"INTERPRETING YOUR KINDNESS AS PROOF THAT YOU WOULD STAY."
I STAYED AS LONG AS I WANTED TO.
I NEVER FKN "HAD TO."
WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE "THE BACKUP PLAN"? WTF?
SHOULD I WANT TO PROVE MY WORTH TO SOMEONE?
CONSTANTLY?
SHOULD MY VALUE "DEPEND" ON BEING "CHOSEN"? NO!!!!!!!!
MORE LIKE: "DO THEY DESERVE ACCESS TO ME?"
YES OR NO?????????
BECAUSE IF THEY FKN DON'T...... THEY CAN FK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.
THRICE ON SUNDAYS. OKAY? THRICE!!!!
WITH UNCOOKED RICE!
So..... I was talking with a friend who is younger than me....
HE'S HAD A CRAPPY LOVE LIFE ALSO.
HE THINKS IT'S BECAUSE HE'S KIND AND CARES
THAT HE ENDS UP WITH HOES.
AND THEY CHOOSE SOMEONE OVER HIM
AFTER USING HIM AND TREATING HIM LIKE CRAP.
AND WHO THEY CHOOSE OVER HIM IS WAY WORSE THAN HIM.
I KNOW THAT FEELING.
BEEN THERE.
I TOLD HIM THAT BY THE TIME HE'S MY AGE....
HE'LL EITHER BE MARRIED, DIVORCED, OR JUST DONE WITH IT.
BESIDES, THERE ARE OTHER THINGS THAN DATING!
HE SAID: "MAYBE BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANT TO CONNECT."
DO PEOPLE EVEN KNOW HOW TO "CONNECT" ANYMORE?
PEOPLE KNOW WHAT "TRAUMA BONDS" ARE.....
BUT DO THEY KNOW HOW TO BOND? FOR REAL? NO?
DO THEY KNOW WHAT LOYALTY IS? NO?
KNOWING I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SH*T.....
WENT ALONG WITH THE BS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"THEY SH@T ON YOU TO MAKE THEM HAPPY."
YEAH, USUALLY BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE.
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION.
AND WHEN SOMEONE CAN CONNECT WITH SOMEONE ELSE....
WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT THAT....
THEY'LL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY.....
TO TRY TO STOP THAT.
FROM HAPPENING.
"RUNNING INTERFERENCE."
IF YOU DON'T SEE THAT SH*T FOR WHAT IT IS....
IT STILL IS WHAT IT IS.
AND IF YOU SH*T ON ME TO "MAKE" SOMEONE "HAPPY"????
FKN STAY TF OVER THERE WITH THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT DOWN FOR ME.
NOT DOWN WITH ME.
GO FK YOURSELF IF YOU'RE NOT.
DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE TO SH*T ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR WHAT?
TO "MAKE" SOME JEALOUS B*TCH "HAPPY"?
BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO CONTROL YOU?
AND "MAKE" YOU SH*T ON ME?
BECAUSE IF YOU SH*T ON ME ENOUGH....
I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU TO FK OFF?
HMMM.
WELL YEAH!
I WAS GOING TO JUST.... KEEP TAKING THAT SH*T?
BECAUSE SOME JEALOUS HOE "HATES" ME?
SHE CAN GO FK HERSELF TOO!!!!!!!!! BOTH OF THEM.
LIKE HE COULD HAVE TOLD HER TO GO DO!
"IS A*** BROKEN YET? ALMOST READY TO K*LL HERSELF?"
"DID SHE RELAPSE YET?"
YOU THINK I NEVER SAW THAT SH*T BEFORE???????
IT'S FKD UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FKD..... UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT THAT'S...... LIFE.
IT IS.... WHAT IT IS.
WAS I SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL THEY GET THEIR HEAD
OUT OF THEIR @SS?
HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE? FOREVER? YEARS?
OF WASTED TIME?
IF HE WANTS TO WASTE HIS TIME ON THAT..... OKAY.
GO.... DO..... THAT.
HAVE FUN..... WITH.... THAT. OKAY?
BUT IF THEY HAVE TO FEEL MY ABSENCE TO JUST....
FKN SEE SOMETHING....
THEY CAN FEEL IT.
AND SEE IT.
I'LL BE GONE, THOUGH.
BECAUSE I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THAT SH*T.
WOULD HE WANT TO WAIT FOR THAT SH*T?
FOR ME TO REALIZE THOSE THINGS? NO?
FOR ME TO SEE THE "CRABS IN THE BUCKET"?
WHO WILL KEEP YOU STUCK WITH THEM?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT?
AND DON'T GAF WHAT YOU WANT?
But HOW MANY TIMES am I supposed to SAY
THE SAME THINGS?
THE THINGS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD REALIZE?
AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY:
"REALIZE XYZ!"
WHY DOES IT TAKE FKN YEARS
OF GOING "THE WRONG WAY"
TO SEE WHICH WAY THEY COULD HAVE GONE?
YEARS OF PEOPLE TRYING TO "KEEP" THEM "AWAY"
FROM ME?
FOR SELFISH FKN REASONS?
HMMM.
BUT.... THEY WENT..... THAT WAY.
BUT SH*T ON ME..... FOR YEARS.....
BECAUSE OF SOME JEALOUS HOE(S).....
AND EXPECT ME TO WANT TO BE THERE?!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?????????
EXCUSE ME??????!!!!! WHAT????!!!!! WTF?
PATIENCE EXPIRES!
I DON'T HAVE A GRUDGE. I DON'T REALLY GAF NOW.
WAS SHOCKED TO "HEAR FROM" HIM 12 YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?????????
AFTER SH*TTING ON ME???????????????
FOR SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO SEE THEM HAPPY?
AND THEN BLAME ME? ON TOP OF THAT?
TO SH*T ON ME SOME MORE?
"MUST MAKE HIM DROP A***!"
IN ANY WAY I CAN!
THOUGHT HE KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT!
BUT I GUESS NOT!
IF HE DID, THAT WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED!
AND WHEN THEY "MISS" ME EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT....
IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY "MISS" ME.
THEY "MISSED" THE OPPORTUNITY!
"CAN'T LET HIM FEEL ANYTHING FOR A***!"
"IF HE DOES, HE'LL DROP ME!"
HE COULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR ME!
FOR HIMSELF!
BUT DID HE? NO?
"A*** WAS SUPPOSED TO RELAPSE!"
"A*** WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SHATTERED!"
OR WHAT? I ACCEPTED THAT IT ENDED?
LIKE THEY COULD HAVE?
AND LET HIM MOVE ON?
AND LET HIM INVEST LIKE HE COULD HAVE?
BUT NO! BETTER PUT AN END TO THAT!
"CAN'T TALK TO HER! BETTER STOP THAT!"
"CAN'T SPEND TIME WITH HER! BETTER STOP THAT!"
"BETTER MAKE HIM THINK XYZ!"
I KNEW IT WAS "SUPPOSED" TO "MAKE" ME RELAPSE!
I KNOW THAT!
I'M NOT STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAW THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
WHEN YOU SEE IT, YOU CANNOT UNSEE IT.
BECAUSE: "IF A*** RELAPSES, SHE WAS NEVER FKN ANYTHING."
SURE I CAN "FORGIVE" SOMEONE....
BUT DO I WANT TO BE IN THEIR LIFE?
WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO BE IN MINE?
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE IF THEY WANTED THAT CHANCE....
THEY WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT!
DEFENDED IT!
KEPT IT.
KEPT ME.
REFUSED TO SH*T ON ME....!!!!
RESPECTED ME.
I DGAF IF ANYONE EVER LOVES ME OR NOT.
I FKN GAVE UP ON THAT SH*T....
BUT COULD THEY HAVE JUST.... BEEN DECENT?
LIKE I THOUGHT THEY WERE?
WHEN I USED TO SEE THEM THE WAY I USED TO?
BUT DID I SEE THEM THAT WAY.....
BECAUSE I LOOKED AT THEM THAT WAY?
LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING!
BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTED THEM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S WHY.
Was I supposed to "CALM DOWN" in the 12 years?
SO HE CAN COME BACK?
WHENEVER HE "WANTED" TO? WTF????????????
"SHE'S PATIENT! SHE WON'T GO ANYWHERE!"
FKN ARROGANT!!!!!!!!!!!
TO THINK THEY KNOW ME! WTF???????
"A*** WILL UNDERSTAND! SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK."
NOT.... THIS.... TIME. FK THAT.
PATIENCE DOESN'T EQUAL LOYALTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I STOP TRYING TO REPAIR IT?
WHAT I DIDN'T BREAK?
THEY WANTED ME TO REACT.... FOR INFO.
"WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO
WHEN THEY ARE NOT FORCED TO FKN GROW UP?"
WATCH. SEE. KNOW.
THEY STUDY YOUR REACTIONS?
THEY DO SH*T TO GET A REACTION?
THEY USE YOUR REACTIONS?
TO PLAY GAMES WITH YOU?
FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK IT.
IF THE ENERGY CHANGES....
IF THEY CREATE DISTANCE....
LET THEM.
"THEY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY DO XYZ..."
"WHY ISN'T A*** REACTING LIKE SHE USED TO?"
"WHY IS A*** NO LONGER AVAILABLE?"
"IF THEY CAN'T PREDICT YOU, THEY HAVE TO GO BACK
AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHEN THEY LOST CONTROL.
AND REALIZE THE "WINS" WEREN'T WINS?"
"CELEBRATING INFO THEY MISUNDERSTOOD"?
I USED TO BE LIKE:
I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS BECAUSE....
I DON'T LIKE THIS BECAUSE....
FK THIS BECAUSE.....
AND THEN I GOT P*SSED TELLING THEM OVER AND OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ALREADY FKN DID!
THEY AREN'T "MAD" BECAUSE I WALKED AWAY.
THEY ARE "MAD" BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET ACCESS.
MAYBE BEING GHOSTED "CHANGED" ME.
"HOW MANY REACTIONS DID THEY MISUNDERSTAND?"
BUT.... PLAYING GAMES?
WHY FKN DO THAT?
"SHE OVEREATED..." DID I?
TO THOSE FKN GAMES?
AND WHEN I CALL IT OUT....
THEY KNOW I KNOW!
AND THEY CAN'T FKN SAY I WAS EVER PLAYING!
"I SEE YOU."
BEEN WATCHING. FOR A WHILE.
NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO, BUT YOU GAVE ME
SOMETHING TO WATCH.
AND BECAUSE YOU DID, I DID,
YES! I SEE THAT! HOW COULD I NOT?
EVENTUALLY!
MAYBE NOT AT FIRST BECAUSE:
WHY DO I THINK YOU ARE PLAYING ONE?
UNTIL I SEE YOU DOING IT?
DID I HAVE TO SHOW THEM EVERYTHING?
BECAUSE I CARED DOESN'T MEAN I NEVER SAW THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!
I SAW THAT SH*T BECAUSE I CARED!
IF I DIDN'T..... I WOULDN'T HAVE FKN BOTHERED!!!!!!!!!!!
"WHAT ARE THEY SHOWING ME?"
LOOK AT IT. ALL OF IT. THEY SHOW YOU.
EVEN THINGS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE.
AND WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND YOURSELF,
THEY CAN'T FKN GASLIGHT YOU.
THEY CAN'T PULL SH*T
THEY THINK YOU WILL FALL FOR.
EVEN IF YOU DID A FEW TIMES.
"THEIR WARMTH HAD TIMING."
"THEIR DISTANCE HAD TIMING."
"THEIR CURIOSITY HAD TIMING."
AND WHEN I STOPPED TRYING.... THEY DID.
BECAUSE I STOPPED.
OTHERWISE? HMMM.
"PULL BACK, MAKE HER WONDER, COME BACK."
THE FORMULA IS THE EVIDENCE.
AND CONFRONTING THEM.....
THEY LEARN THEY "PUSHED A BUTTON."
IF YOU TELL THEM "WHAT HURT"
YOU TELL THEM WHAT YOU ARE NOTICING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM SH*T.
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
I CAN STOP "CARRYING" INTERACTIONS.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I DON'T FKN WANT TO!
MEASURING ME THROUGH MY REACTIONS.
"THEY THOUGHT BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T FIGHTING THEM,
YOU WERE STILL PARTICIPATING."
AM I?
WANTED "POWER" TO "CHANGE YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE."
JUST TO FK WITH YOUR FEELINGS.
JUST THAT.
"YOU CAN STILL AFFECT ME." IS WHAT THEY WANT.
"CAN WE RESET THIS WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED?"
"WHEN YOU WERE REACTING, THEY THOUGHT THEY STILL MATTERED."
"WHEN SOMEONE RELIES ON YOUR REACTIONS....
AND YOU STOP GIVING THEM... THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY STAND."
"THEY THOUGHT THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED,
THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER RESET."
"IF THEY DISAPPEARED, YOU'D STILL CARE."
NO. NOT THIS TIME.
"SHE FORGAVE ME! I SHOULD DO BETTER!"
VS:
"SEE? SHE NEVER REALLY LEAVES!"
WTF? ARROGANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO ASSUME THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
PATIENCE IS NOT FKN OBLIGATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT RUNS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOMETIMES FASTER THAN IT SHOULD!
SOMETIMES NOT FAST ENOUGH!
SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT THE FIRST FEW TIMES....
AND SEEN WHAT THAT WAS, BUT I KNOW NOW.
THEY USE MIXED SIGNALS TO "CONFUSE" YOU.
AND USE YOUR REACTIONS TO PLAY WITH YOU.
IF YOU DON'T REACT THE WAY THEY THINK YOU WILL
OR WANT YOU TO....
THEY GET MAD!
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET SOMETHING THEY WANTED!
AND NOW THAT I COULD BE WITH ANYONE ELSE....
THEY DON'T WANT ME MOVING FORWARD?
WTF?
TO PLAY GAMES WITH YOU?
FK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK IT.
IF THE ENERGY CHANGES....
IF THEY CREATE DISTANCE....
LET THEM.
"THEY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY DO XYZ..."
"WHY ISN'T A*** REACTING LIKE SHE USED TO?"
"WHY IS A*** NO LONGER AVAILABLE?"
"IF THEY CAN'T PREDICT YOU, THEY HAVE TO GO BACK
AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHEN THEY LOST CONTROL.
AND REALIZE THE "WINS" WEREN'T WINS?"
"CELEBRATING INFO THEY MISUNDERSTOOD"?
I USED TO BE LIKE:
I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS BECAUSE....
I DON'T LIKE THIS BECAUSE....
FK THIS BECAUSE.....
AND THEN I GOT P*SSED TELLING THEM OVER AND OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ALREADY FKN DID!
THEY AREN'T "MAD" BECAUSE I WALKED AWAY.
THEY ARE "MAD" BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET ACCESS.
MAYBE BEING GHOSTED "CHANGED" ME.
"HOW MANY REACTIONS DID THEY MISUNDERSTAND?"
BUT.... PLAYING GAMES?
WHY FKN DO THAT?
"SHE OVEREATED..." DID I?
TO THOSE FKN GAMES?
AND WHEN I CALL IT OUT....
THEY KNOW I KNOW!
AND THEY CAN'T FKN SAY I WAS EVER PLAYING!
"I SEE YOU."
BEEN WATCHING. FOR A WHILE.
NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO, BUT YOU GAVE ME
SOMETHING TO WATCH.
AND BECAUSE YOU DID, I DID,
YES! I SEE THAT! HOW COULD I NOT?
EVENTUALLY!
MAYBE NOT AT FIRST BECAUSE:
WHY DO I THINK YOU ARE PLAYING ONE?
UNTIL I SEE YOU DOING IT?
DID I HAVE TO SHOW THEM EVERYTHING?
BECAUSE I CARED DOESN'T MEAN I NEVER SAW THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!
I SAW THAT SH*T BECAUSE I CARED!
IF I DIDN'T..... I WOULDN'T HAVE FKN BOTHERED!!!!!!!!!!!
"WHAT ARE THEY SHOWING ME?"
LOOK AT IT. ALL OF IT. THEY SHOW YOU.
EVEN THINGS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE.
AND WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND YOURSELF,
THEY CAN'T FKN GASLIGHT YOU.
THEY CAN'T PULL SH*T
THEY THINK YOU WILL FALL FOR.
EVEN IF YOU DID A FEW TIMES.
"THEIR WARMTH HAD TIMING."
"THEIR DISTANCE HAD TIMING."
"THEIR CURIOSITY HAD TIMING."
AND WHEN I STOPPED TRYING.... THEY DID.
BECAUSE I STOPPED.
OTHERWISE? HMMM.
"PULL BACK, MAKE HER WONDER, COME BACK."
THE FORMULA IS THE EVIDENCE.
AND CONFRONTING THEM.....
THEY LEARN THEY "PUSHED A BUTTON."
IF YOU TELL THEM "WHAT HURT"
YOU TELL THEM WHAT YOU ARE NOTICING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM SH*T.
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
I CAN STOP "CARRYING" INTERACTIONS.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I DON'T FKN WANT TO!
MEASURING ME THROUGH MY REACTIONS.
"THEY THOUGHT BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T FIGHTING THEM,
YOU WERE STILL PARTICIPATING."
AM I?
WANTED "POWER" TO "CHANGE YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE."
JUST TO FK WITH YOUR FEELINGS.
JUST THAT.
"YOU CAN STILL AFFECT ME." IS WHAT THEY WANT.
"CAN WE RESET THIS WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED?"
"WHEN YOU WERE REACTING, THEY THOUGHT THEY STILL MATTERED."
"WHEN SOMEONE RELIES ON YOUR REACTIONS....
AND YOU STOP GIVING THEM... THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY STAND."
"THEY THOUGHT THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED,
THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER RESET."
"IF THEY DISAPPEARED, YOU'D STILL CARE."
NO. NOT THIS TIME.
"SHE FORGAVE ME! I SHOULD DO BETTER!"
VS:
"SEE? SHE NEVER REALLY LEAVES!"
WTF? ARROGANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO ASSUME THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
PATIENCE IS NOT FKN OBLIGATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT RUNS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOMETIMES FASTER THAN IT SHOULD!
SOMETIMES NOT FAST ENOUGH!
SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT THE FIRST FEW TIMES....
AND SEEN WHAT THAT WAS, BUT I KNOW NOW.
THEY USE MIXED SIGNALS TO "CONFUSE" YOU.
AND USE YOUR REACTIONS TO PLAY WITH YOU.
IF YOU DON'T REACT THE WAY THEY THINK YOU WILL
OR WANT YOU TO....
THEY GET MAD!
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET SOMETHING THEY WANTED!
AND NOW THAT I COULD BE WITH ANYONE ELSE....
THEY DON'T WANT ME MOVING FORWARD?
WTF?
NO. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A FKD UP DYNAMIC.
ALREADY TRIED THAT.
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