Technical Brain

What I'm working on tonight is extremely technical. 
Thinking this hard can give me a headache....
But my neck being fooked gives me a headache, too. 

I think I made some progress tonight. 
I'm developing an important part of it. 

I can't get into a lot of detail about it. 
For more than one reason. 

Gives me other things to think about... 
Other than the things I've been writing about recently.

I'll post the rest of the September posts in a bit. 
Not sure when, but I will. 

Didn't do anything for Thanksgiving. 
I took a nap and got a few things from the grocery store. 

One of my teeth is sharp... 
It's bugging the side of my mouth. 
It's the closest to the side of my mouth.
Because I got the one next to it removed. 

So I have to figure out... What to do about that. 

And I have to talk to the dentists...
About the next appointment.
Because I still need some work done... 

I also want to get it checked to see how it's healing.
Just that. 

Anyway, I know part of why some of that stuff happened.

BUT THEY CAN'T TAKE IT BACK.
WHY THEY DID WHAT THEY DID.

They thought certain things would fall into place for them. 
If they chose something else. Okay.

SO THEN? THEY WERE ALLOWED TO....
CHOOSE THAT....

BUT.... I AM ALLOWED TO CHOOSE MYSELF.

THE PROGRESS MOST PEOPLE DOUBTED I'D MAKE....
IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

"VICTIMS" WHO "INTERFERE"
WILL TRY TO DO ANYTHING. 

THEY'LL VILLAINIZE, THEY'LL CRY...
THEY'LL LIE.....

THEY'LL DO ANYTHING TO TRY TO GET
WHAT THEY WANT.

IT'S ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT. 

THEY CREATE FALSE NARRATIVES....
TO GET WHOEVER ON THEIR SIDE....
TO TRY TO MAKE THEM "STAY."

AND NOT LOOK AT WHY THEY DID ANY OF THAT.

Imagine that?

"A***'s XYZ.... *PROJECT*....."
TO TRY TO "MAKE" ME LOOK LIKE XYZ.

WHEN A*** WAS NEVER XYZ.

"I MADE A MISTAKE." YEAH, YOU DID....
BUT 12 YEARS LATER??????

THEY WANTED AN OPPORTUNITY TO "EXPLAIN"
I REMEMBER HOW HE FKN TREATED ME!!!!!!!!!
I REMEMBER THAT SH*T!

HOW ALL THOSE FKRS TREATED ME!

YOU THINK I REALLY WANT TO GIVE MORE CHANCES?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

AND THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO EVEN TELL ME:
"I MADE A MISTAKE."

WHAT MISTAKE, THOUGH? 
WHICH MISTAKE?

AND WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?
AM I SUPPOSED TO?
OR WAS HE?????!!!!!!!

A LONG TIME AGO!

COULD HAVE TREATED ME LIKE I MATTERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE FIRST FKN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT? COULD HAVE.
DIDN'T!!!!!!

SO WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT????

I'M SUPPOSED TO WANT TO "RECONNECT"?
TO WANT TO???????? NO?

CONSISTENCY DOESN'T MEAN: "A*** WILL ALWAYS BE THERE."
IT JUST MEANT: "A*** SHOWED UP BECAUSE SHE ONCE CARED."

THAT'S ALL IT MEANT.

"DAMAGE IS DEEPER THAN HE REALIZED."
YEAH.

ASSUMING LIKE SH*T.....

CASUAL APPROACH IS FKN INSULTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO I NEED SOMEONE TO CHECK IF I'M 
"STILL AVAILABLE"????? FK NO!

ACCOUNTABILITY!

FKN RECOGNIZING HIS OWN BS. JUST THAT.

HE WANTED UNDERSTANDING.... WHERE WAS MINE?
HE WANTED EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY
WHILE MAKING ME WAIT FOR FKN ANYTHING.....

NO. NOT WAITING.
FOR THE THINGS I WAS GIVING FREELY.

HE EXPECTED XYZ FROM ME....
AND????? I GOT SH@T ON?

I'M NOT GOING TO SOFTEN HIS SH*T FOR HIM. 

I SHOULDN'T FKN HAVE TO!

APPROACHING ME LIKE HE DID....
WAS A SLAP IN THE FKN FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I TRIED TO HANDLE IT WITH CARE.....
UNTIL HE KEPT SLAPPING ME IN THE FACE
WITH MORE BS.

FKN INSULTING. 
AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE "PATIENCE" FOR THAT SH*T?
THE PATIENCE HE TOOK FOR GRANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE?

HE KNOWS. HE REMEMBERS HIS EXCUSES......
SO HE REMEMBERS WHAT HE CHOSE, TOO. 

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO "REMIND" HIM. 
OF HIS OWN SH*T.

OR "REMIND" ANYONE
OF THEIR OWN SH*T.

SHOULDN'T!
AND DON'T WANT TO!

REGRET WITHOUT ACCOUNTABILITY
IS JUST REGRET.

IF I DID THAT SH*T, I'D HAVE SH*T TO REGRET, TOO!

"I LOST A*** BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TREAT HER
WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE."

WHY SHOULD I EXPLAIN WHY MY FEELINGS MATTER TOO????????
AS MUCH AS THEIRS ARE SUPPOSED TO, TOO???????

FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONSTANTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'M NOT DOING THE EMOTIONAL WORK.....
FOR MYSELF.....
AND FOR THEM!!!!!!!

FOR MYSELF, YES!!!!!!!!!!! 
FOR THEM, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AN APOLOGY.... ISN'T A "MAGIC ERASER."

WANTING ANOTHER CHANCE....
IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING READY
TO FKN DO IT RIGHT.

Sure..... I knew he had INSECURITIES.

WAS I HOLDING THOSE OVER HIS HEAD?
WAS I USING THEM AGAINST HIM?
WAS I DOING ANYTHING TO HIM?

OR DID HE RUN AWAY WHEN IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE?
OR DID HE TRY TO TURN IT BACK ON ME?

INSTEAD OF? "I FKD UP."

OKAY..... THEN? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO "ABOUT IT"?????

DID I EXPECT HIM TO BE PERFECT, FLAWLESS?
OR HONEST!!!!!!!!!???????????

"I MADE A*** QUESTION WHETHER SHE MATTERED TO ME."
"BY ACTING LIKE SHE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!"

THAT WAS PART OF THE MISTAKE.

THAT. 

THEN ASSUMING THAT THEY COULD JUST.....
"REGAIN ACCESS" TO ME.

"IF THAT HAPPENED, I'M SORRY." IF?

QUESTIONING MY FKN REALITY!
OF WHAT I RECALL ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

BUT.... IF.

"SORRY YOU FEEL LIKE I TREATED YOU HORRIBLY."

WHY WOULD I FEEL LIKE YOU DID IF YOU FKN DIDN'T?

IT WASN'T THAT I FELT LIKE HE DID.
IT WAS THAT HE DID.

THAT WAS THE ISSUE THAT I HAD AN ISSUE WITH.

OTHERWISE..... WHAT ISSUE WOULD I HAVE?
WITH HIM?

HMMM? ANY?

I'M FAIRLY FKN REASONABLE. FAIRLY. 

DO I EXPECT PERFECTION? NO.

FAIRNESS WOULD BE COOL, THOUGH. 

My honesty makes their DISHONESTY..... LOUDER.

Do I ask to be a "mirror"?
DO YOU THINK IT'S MY FIRST TIME
BEING "THE PROBLEM" FOR NO REASON?

YOU CAN'T BE CLOSE TO A MIRROR
WITHOUT SEEING YOUR OWN SH*T.

AND THEY DO NOT LIKE IT.

I EXIST IN A WAY THAT "MAKES" PEOPLE "UNCOMFORTABLE."
BECAUSE JUST BEING MYSELF
AMPLIFIES THINGS ABOUT THEMSELVES
THAT THEY DON'T LIKE.

AND THAT'S ALL THAT I DO.

THEY THOUGHT I COULDN'T SEE IT....
BUT I DID, I JUST DIDN'T TELL THEM.

I WAS WATCHING TO SEE.
WHAT WAS HAPPENING. 

I WASN'T THE ONE WHO STARTED IT.

IT WAS AT LEAST ONE PERSON....
WHO COULDN'T STAND BEING ANYWHERE NEAR ME. 
COULDN'T STAND ME FOR BEING ME. 

AND ALL ANYONE HAD TO DO TO START IT OFF
WAS TO GO TO THAT ONE PERSON

AND SET THEM OFF.

THAT'S ALL IT TOOK.

SO..... WHY..... WOULDN'T I JUST..... GO MY WAY?

I'VE DEALT WITH THIS SH*T SO MANY FKN TIMES.

DIFFERENT SCENARIOS.... BUT.... THIS HAPPENED BEFORE.

I'D RATHER BE AT PEACE AND BE "MISUNDERSTOOD"
THAN BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO PRETEND.

BEING AT PEACE MEANS STARTING OVER. 
WITHOUT THAT CRAP.

What they tried to do is "isolate" me.
Did it sting a little bit? At first! 

BUT I GOT USED TO SOMETHING.....
THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE "HAD TO."

SINCE I WAS "UNSTABLE" AND "THE PROBLEM".... 
AND HAD TO BE "THE TARGET".......

WHEN I'M GONE.... WHO GETS TO BE THE NEXT ONE?
THE ONE WHO STARTED IT.

BECAUSE THEY TEACH PEOPLE... 
HOW TO DO IT TO THEM BY TEACHING THEM
HOW TO DO IT TO ME.

WHEN THEY GO THROUGH
WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH... 

THEY KNOW HOW "UNFAIR" IT IS.... 
THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING... 

AND WHY THEY WERE DOING IT....

BUT CAN'T IMAGINE.... IT HAPPENING.... TO THEM.

THEY WANT THE "UNDERSTANDING"
FROM THE PERSON THEY PUT THROUGH IT....

BUT.... BEING "KIND"
DOESN'T "MAKE" ME FORGET.
FORGIVING AND FORGETTING AREN'T THE SAME THING.

AND 12 YEAR DISCARD CONTACTING ME....
AFTER ALL THAT BS... 

THAT..... WAS FKN INSULTING. 

IF THEY HAD MY STRENGTH....
THEY COULD GROW FROM IT WITH DIGNITY.
BUT THEY CAN'T. 

THEY CAN GO THROUGH WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH.

THEY CAN LEARN WHAT I HAD TO.
BECAUSE OF THEIR SH*T.

I WENT THROUGH IT BEFORE.
THAT'S WHY IT DOESN'T HIT ME LIKE IT USED TO.

DID I OWE HIM ONE SINGLE WORD? ANYTHING?

50 VERSIONS OF THAT CRAP.
REBUILDING. 

SO....? I CAN DO THAT.
I HAD TO "KNOW" MYSELF
AND MY OWN TRUTH.

HAD TO MAKE PEACE WITH BEING
INTENTIONALLY "MISUNDERSTOOD."

DID I NEED HIS FAKE @SS APOLOGY?
FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!! 

OR FKN MIRROR SMASHER'S APOLOGY?

OR FKN ANYONE ELSE'S?

OR.... DID I JUST LET IT ALL FALL APART WITHOUT ME THERE?
TO SHOW ITSELF FOR WHAT IT ALWAYS WAS?

STANDING UP FOR MYSELF WOULD HAVE DONE WHAT?

"SEE?"

THAT'S ALL IT WOULD HAVE DONE.

I LEARNED THAT TOO.

THE TRUTH CAN STAND UP FOR ME.
AND IT WILL.

IT CAN TAKE ANOTHER 12 YEARS FOR ALL I CARE....

BUT IT CAN.... IT WILL.....
THAT'S ALL.

When it comes out.... However it does....
WHENEVER IT DOES... 

IT WILL BE THE TRUTH. 
IT WILL SPEAK FOR ITSELF.

EVERY BS EXCUSE, ALL THE BS.
EVERYTHING.

IT'S STARTING TO. ALREADY.
I KNOW THIS.

THIS YEAR IS ONE OF THOSE YEARS.
THINGS ARE COMING OUT. 

COMING TO LIGHT.

AFTER 12+ YEARS.

DID I HAVE TO "MAKE" IT COME OUT?
OR JUST "LET" IT?

JUST LET IT. IT WILL. ON ITS OWN TIME, NOT OURS.

SURE, IT CAN TAKE DECADES SOMETIMES... 
BUT.... IT CAN. 

ON ITS OWN. 
WITHOUT MY "HELP."

WITHOUT ME TRYING TO "FORCE" IT TO.

YEARS AGO..... I WANTED IT TO HAPPEN.
I PUSHED FOR IT.

THE HARDER I PUSHED FOR IT....
THE LESS IT WAS HAPPENING.
THE LONGER IT TOOK TO HAPPEN.

SO THEN? I HAD TO BACK OFF.... AND LET IT.

DID THE TRUTH REQUIRE ANYTHING FROM ME?
TO JUST BE THE TRUTH? NO?

IT WAS TRUE REGARDLESS OF ME AND WHAT I WANTED.

THE TRUTH STANDS ALONE.

"THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE."
FARMER IN THE DELL.

IF YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.

WANT THE TRUTH? I'LL TELL IT:

I WAS "THE PROBLEM" FOR BEING "DIFFERENT."
WASN'T JUST ALLOWED TO BE "DIFFERENT,"

THAT.... WAS "THE PROBLEM."

THAT IS THE TRUTH.
PRETTY SIMPLE.

AND KNOWING THIS.... 
HELPED ME GET "THROUGH" IT.
WHAT THEY COULDN'T GET THROUGH....
BECAUSE THEY NEVER HAD IT TURNED ON THEM....

WHEN THEY DO..... WHAT DO THEY DO?????
THEY REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND NOT WANTING TO SEE IT....
WAS ALSO PART OF "THE PROBLEM."

BECAUSE IF THEY SAW IT..... 
THEY'D HAVE SEEN MORE.....
THAN JUST THAT.

But.... WHO TF AM I TO TELL ANYONE WHAT TO SEE?
ABOUT ME OR ANYTHING ELSE?

I COULD, BUT THAT'S NOT FOR ME TO DO.
THAT'S FOR THE TRUTH TO DO.

AND THE TRUTH HAS ITS OWN WAYS....
OF BEING SEEN.

AND KNOWN....
AND FELT.

Does the truth STOP being the truth....
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE IT?

NO. IT DOESN'T. 

THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS BE THE TRUTH.
NO MATTER WHAT!

Once it's known and FELT... 
THAT'S WHEN THE TRUTH GETS TO BE ITSELF.

WHEN PEOPLE AREN'T ALLOWED TO BE THEMSELVES.

AND HAVE TO GO THROUGH XYZ JUST FOR THAT.

THE TRUTH.... COMES OUT.

5 YEARS LATER, 10 YEARS LATER, 15 YEARS LATER, 
30+ YEARS LATER.....

IT COMES. OUT!!!!!!!!!

TRUTH ABOUT PROJECTIONS ETC... 
TRUTH ABOUT WHY AND WHO....
ALL OF THAT.