Before I Go To Bed

On my way to go to bed soon. 
Usually, I stay up later than this. 

Working on my stuff. 

The plans I had fell through. 
My buddy couldn't come pick me up.
His car's battery was dead.

He has anti-theft devices on his cars. 
The device drained his battery somehow. 
During the night. 

So we're going to go tomorrow.... Hopefully.

We'll see how it goes. 

But... I gotta get up early. 
See how much we bang out on it. 

If we can make a dent in it, cool. 
Closer to getting it done. 

It's not something that can be banged out in one day.

STRUCTURE FIRST. 
FRAME FIRST.

THEN THE REST. 

Been in the habit of eating something before bed. 

Usually something stupidly easy. 
Like lentils and rice....
Or lentils and onion... 

Something.
It fills me up. 

Makes it easier to sleep. 

I asked my sleep tech friend about eating before bed. 
He said that all it does is slow the metabolism. 
Food digests more slowly when you're sleeping. 

Something like that. 

Maybe weight gain. 

I said I need to gain more weight anyway. 
He said that the best weight to gain is muscle weight. 

I used to have bigger muscles. 

My arms were slightly bigger.

I don't go to a gym. I went a couple of times. 

One time, I was the only female in the gym. 
I went to the water fountain to get a drink of water. 
I heard two dudes talking about me. 
THEY THOUGHT I COULDN'T HEAR THEM.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO BACK AFTER THAT.

Working out again wouldn't be so bad...
BUT I CAN DO IT AT HOME.

FK GOING TO THE GYM. 

THERE ARE ALL-WOMEN GYMS.
FOR WOMEN ONLY. 

BUT I CAN JUST.... WORK OUT AT HOME.

I saw an apparatus thing... 
It attaches to the wall. 

A chick was doing flips on it and stuff.
Looks really neat.

I could see myself GETTING STUCK
IN SOME OF THE POSITIONS
SHE PUT HERSELF IN. 

IMAGINE? GETTING STUCK?
IN A POSITION?

AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GET DOWN?

SHOUTING: "HELP! I'M STUCK!"
"GET ME DOWN!"

Might help me crack my back, though....

I've seen some stuff people use to crack their backs...

I need a realignment so badly.... Complete adjustment.

Right now, it's fooked. It hurts. 

My fault for cracking my neck. 

Shouldn't have started doing that, ever. 
I fooked it up. 

I had stopped doing it for a while and started again. 

I need to stop again and stay stopped. 

Cracking my neck was never a good idea.

But my posture's been fooked, too. 

Just.... Need at least a few parts cracked. 
But... Realigned. 

Anyway... Maybe one day.... Fkn expensive.

I'm pretty tired tonight, which means I can probably sleep decently.

Hopefully better than the other night. 

My dreams are so fkn WEIRD though hahaha.

The stats on here shot way up... Crazy! 

Don't know how that happened or why.

I keep expecting it to go back down to where it was lol. 

Getting over some disappointments, still, but I will. 

I've gotten over some really FKN HARD things to "get over."
SOME THINGS I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD.
DIDN'T KNOW THAT I COULD.

THINGS THAT STUNG ON MANY LEVELS.
For many reasons.... 

BUT DID I GET OVER THOSE THINGS?

NOT LIKE THEY NEVER HAPPENED!
BECAUSE THEY DID!

It was like....
"I either get over this or I don't."
THOSE WERE MY OPTIONS.

RIGHT?

ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME
IN MY LIFE.

INCLUDING MY FKD UP CHILDHOOD.

MY FATHER'S DEATH... OTHER THINGS....
THINGS THAT HAPPENED BEFORE THAT...
THINGS THAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT....

THINGS THAT EVEN HAPPENED AT THAT TIME...

AND? I WAS 12!

HOW IS A 12-YEAR-OLD....
SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW TF TO "GET OVER" THAT?

At that time... I went to a bereavement group.
AT THE HOSPITAL.

IT DID HELP, A BIT. 

BUT A LOT OF IT.... I HAD TO DO....
AFTER THAT GROUP WAS OVER.

BECAUSE THAT WAS TEMPORARY. 

It was a good starting point, though. 
It helped while it did.

There are a bunch of groups I'm in. 

One is a group for people who need someone to talk to. 

I met one of my friends from that group.

Anyway.... One guy in there....
Was saying he was thinking.... Of ending it.

I HAVE BEEN THERE.
6 TIMES. 

1) THE WAY I WAS LOOKING AT MYSELF 
AFFECTED HOW I THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF

2) HOW I THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF 
AFFECTED HOW I FELT ABOUT MYSELF

3) HOW I FELT ABOUT MYSELF
AFFECTED HOW I LOOKED AT MYSELF

SO I TOLD HIM ABOUT "THE QUOTE."

THE ONE THAT FOLLOWED ME AROUND FOR A WHILE...

"WHEN WE CHANGE THE WAY WE LOOK AT THINGS, 
THE THINGS WE LOOK AT CHANGE."

INCLUDING.... HOW.... WE... LOOK..... AT OURSELVES. 

There was another guy who was saying how his EX
WAS PUTTING IT ALL ON HIM
FOR THEIR BREAKUP.

SO I TOLD HIM.... THE BLAME IS SHARED.
NOT ALL ON HIM, 
BUT NOT ALL ON HER EITHER.

AND PEOPLE WHO PROJECT.... DO IT....
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T READY
TO DEAL WITH THEIR OWN CRAP.

AND IF SHE ISN'T READY TO DEAL WITH HER OWN CRAP....
HOW DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM?

AND HOW IT IS EASY TO FEEL SORRY FOR OURSELVES. 
WHEN I DRANK.... IT WAS A WAY TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. 

BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. 
BETTER THINGS FOR HIM, TOO.

I TOLD HIM THAT.

WHAT DO I DO WITH WHAT IS MY FAULT?
I HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT.

BUT NOT FOR WHAT ISN'T MINE.

THEIRS ARE FOR THEM TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR.

DO I GAF IF THEY DO AT THIS POINT???????

WOULD IT HAVE BEEN NICE IF THEY HAD? YEAH?

BUT IF THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.....
WILL THEY?

PROBABLY NOT!
THEY AVOID IT.

AND AVOIDING IT.....
DOESN'T MEAN IT BELONGS TO ANYONE 
OTHER THAN THEM. 

WHAT BUGGED ME, THOUGH.....
IS THINKING....
THAT I'D BE THE SAME PERSON
12 YEARS AFTER ALL THAT CRAP.

WHY WOULD I BE?

BUT JUST BECAUSE I ACTIVATED SOME THINGS....
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WAS DOING ANYTHING ELSE.
OR PLANNING TO DO ANYTHING. 

DO I KNOW THAT I AM ACTIVATING THAT?
WHEN I WASN'T TRYING TO?

I STOPPED TRYING TO!
BECAUSE PEOPLE GET P*SSED OFF
WHEN I ACTIVATE ANYTHING "EMOTIONAL"
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T EVEN SIT WITH THEIR "FEELINGS"
OR THEIR OWN THOUGHTS...

OR THEMSELVES....

SO.... "IT MUST BE A***, NOT ME."

OKAY. THINK THAT.