Been thinking about some other stuff, finally.
I like when my mind clears enough not to be bogged down with constant thoughts.
I mean constant thought that are about specific things.
My mind locks down on some things for a while and keeps going on it.
Until I can think about other things, finally.
Sometimes it can take a while and that's okay.
At least it can still switch gears.
Writing in the morning and at night helps, too.
It helps me to clear my mind in some ways.
Writing helps me feel somewhat connected to the outside world.
It helps me to sort out my inside world, too.
It's been an outlet of sorts for decades.
Something to "have" that I could always "have."
Something that can change along with me and my life...
Over the years... I'd like to think it has changed and that I have, too.
There are worse ways to "wake up" than writing.
And to wind down at night before going to bed...
Been reading and writing more... It helps to spend days at a time "offline."
The first 3 days were the hardest.
There are some things that I want to do, but... I'd rather be more focused
so I can actually get a bunch of stuff done.
Writing posts in advance will help with that, though.
There are at least a few things to focus on.
Including writing and coding.
I have a big project I'd been putting off for a long time.
To work on my website and stuff like that...
Should have been working on it, but I will be.
Also the matter of the book I was writing. I put that on hold.
And my crochet. And other things.
But my book was to help me fund one of my other projects...
I took a huge hiatus to work on my other stuff.
I generally feel better when I'm working on something.
It helps me feel like I'm making progress somewhere in my life.
Even if the progress is very little and only means something to me.
It's not going to mean the same to everyone else. I know this.
Having a routine isn't a bad thing. I didn't have one on hiatus.
Probably a good reason I wasn't getting a lot done.
If I had gotten more done, I'd probably be further ahead,
but it wasn't that I wasn't getting anything done.
Got too comfortable with getting little done, I guess.
My health took a bit of a dip, though. I didn't have the energy for very much.
Still congested and stuff, but it's not as bad as it was.
Once the allergy season is over, I'll be feeling better anyway.
It's usually this time of year... It goes away.
Itchy eyes, coughing... All that junk...
Fun times.
Been taking breaks from smoking too.
That has a way of making your lungs try to clear themselves, too.
I'm glad I quit smoking cigarettes. I saved money not smoking those.
I'm glad weed is legal in Canada, now.
It has been for a while, but it was about time.
I was telling someone about the contact high from the rally lol.
I asked him if he ever went to a 4/20 rally on parliament hill.
I only went to one or two.
I went with my ex to one of them.
We met my mom there.
At that time her teeth weren't as bad as they ended up. From smoking...
When we broke up he "attacked" my mom's teeth. Went that low.
My mom's teeth had nothing to do with him punching me in the head.
Sure they were bad, but if his mom's teeth were fkd...
THAT'S HER TEETH. HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
OR HIM.
HE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT TO THROW IN MY FACE.
SO HE USED THAT.
COULDN'T USE DRINKING AGAINST ME.
I HAD QUIT BEFORE WE STARTED DATING.
BECAUSE OF THE DUDE RIGHT BEFORE HIM.
HE THREW DRINKING IN MY FACE BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH ELSE.
THE ONLY THINGS THEY THROW IN MY FACE ARE THE ONLY THINGS THEY'VE GOT.
IF THEY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING, OUT COME THE FALSE NARRATIVES.
BECAUSE THEY "NEED" SOMETHING TO "HOLD AGAINST ME."
WHETHER IT COMES FROM THEM OR BS FROM SOMEONE ELSE.
IT HAS TO BE "SOMETHING"
ALMOST ANYTHING.
EVEN MY MOM'S TEETH FFS.
WOW, EH?
SURE MAKES ME WANT TO RUN AROUND AND DATE, EH? FK THAT.
IT'S BEEN DONE BY ALMOST EVERY GUY I'VE EVER DATED.
OR WANTED TO DATE AT SOME POINT.
"INSTEAD OF ADMITTING XYZ...
I'LL JUST THROW SOMETHING IN HER FACE INSTEAD."
SO FKN MATURE, EH?
I guess that I used to think:
One day I'll meet someone MATURE ENOUGH
NOT TO DO XYZ...
FAT FKN DREAM THAT WAS, EH?
Anyway, I used to think all kinds of things.
Wishful thinking, I guess.
Thinking something DOES NOT MAKE IT SO.
WISHING SOMETHING DOES NOT MAKE IT SO.
HOPING FOR SOMETHING DOES NOT MAKE IT SO.
CARING ABOUT HOW SOMETHING TURNS OUT...
DOESN'T MAKE IT TURN OUT HOW YOU WANTED IT TO.
Maybe.... I CARED TOO MUCH ABOUT IT.
BETTER THAN NOT CARING AT ALL.
BUT WHEN I SEE THAT WE WEREN'T ON THE SAME PAGE...
YES, IT IS DISAPPOINTING.
BECAUSE... THE HOPE AND CARE WERE REAL.
AND IT'S A BELIEF THAT IT WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN SO MUCH
TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE, FOR THE SAME REASONS,
BUT... WHEN DUDES PLAY GAMES....
THERE ISN'T EVER A "SAME PAGE," ONLY BS.
AND THEY'D HAVE TO ACTUALLY CARE NOT TO PLAY GAMES.
NOT TO BE ABOUT ANY BS.
AND DON'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY CALL YOU "TOXIC"
FOR CALLING THEM OUT ON THEIR BS GAMES.
I'D RATHER BE CALLED "TOXIC" FOR NOT WANTING TO PLAY GAMES
THAN BE EXPECTED TO PLAY GAMES.
I'D RATHER SOMEONE BLOCK ME WHEN THEY CAN'T GET SOMETHING FROM ME
THAN TO PLAY GAMES TO TRY TO GET IT.
I'D RATHER SEE WHAT THEY CHOSE TO DO.
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE CHOSEN SOMETHING ELSE.
SOMETHING BETTER FOR THE BOTH OF US.
BUT THEY WANT TO "DEFY" ME BECAUSE THEY THINK I'M TRYING TO MANIPULATE THEM.
IF I WAS, I'D BE DOING IT TO TRY TO GET MUCH MORE THAN I ACTUALLY EVER WANTED.
BUT TRY TO TELL THEM THAT!
TRY TO FKN TELL THEM ANYTHING! FFS!
I WANT TO THINK THERE WAS A POINT IN TRYING TO!
LIKE THEY'D "GET IT." BUT NO.
THEY'D HAVE TO WANT TO "GET IT." TO "GET IT."
IF THEY DON'T... THEY WON'T.
I USED TO THINK:
IF THEY "GET IT," WE'LL BE ON THE "SAME PAGE."
THAT'S WHY I WANTED THEM TO "GET IT."
TO FKN UNDERSTAND!
AND STOP ACTING LIKE THEY DON'T!
IT'S ONE THING NOT TO UNDERSTAND,
BUT TO ACT LIKE THEY DON'T IS SOMETHING ELSE.
IF THEY UNDERSTOOD, THEY'D ACT LIKE IT.
THAT'S HOW I THOUGHT.
BUT THEY CAN UNDERSTAND, NOT HARD TO.
TO UNDERSTAND SIMPLE THINGS.
THAT THEY WOULD EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND...
BUT ACTING LIKE THEY DO.... APPARENTLY "PRETTY HARD"
FOR SOME DUDES TO DO.
AND BLAME IT ON ME....
THAT IT'S HARD FOR THEM TO JUST DO THAT.
AND IF IT CAME FROM SOMEONE ELSE...
MAYBE THEY WOULD "GET IT" AND ACT LIKE IT.
JUST THAT.
BUT WANTING JUST THAT APPARENTLY IS TOO MUCH TO WANT.
FROM FKN ANYONE.
DROVE ME NUTS AND WORE ME OUT. GOT TIRED OF THAT AND MORE BS.
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