Releasing Stuff

I was watching a video the other night...
Mostly for background noise while I work on some things... 

She was saying that "eventually you get to the point
that you release the hold
that something had over you..."

THAT'S WHERE I THOUGHT I WAS AT....
BEFORE..... THAT BS.

WHY FKN INSULT ME MORE AND RUN AWAY?
IF YOU WANTED TO "TALK"?

I SAID WHAT HAPPENED FROM MY SIDE.
DID HE EVER SEE MY SIDE? NO?

JUST WANTED ME TO SEE HIS?

BECAUSE HE ONLY CARED ABOUT HIMSELF?
AND PLAYING GAMES?

PLAYING GAMES P*SSED ME OFF!!!!! OKAY?
IT DID.

1) HE NEVER NEEDED TO
2) I WASN'T PLAYING GAMES

How many times....
AND HOW MANY YEARS LATER....
DOES ANYONE WANT ME TO FKN RE-EXPLAIN SH*T?
THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO UNDERSTAND???

IF HE DID, MAYBE HE WOULD....
BUT DID HE?

BECAUSE IF HE DID.....
HE WOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE IT!

RIGHT?

THAT.IS.ALL.THAT.I.ACTUALLY.WANTED.
JUST THAT! 

DID I HAVE A CHOICE? YES.....
BUT IF I CHOSE TO RESTART THAT SH*T.....

NOTHING.WOULD.BE.FKN.BETTER!
IT'D.BE.THE.SAME.SH*T.

AND THAT P*SSED ME OFF TOO.

But, I DON'T NEED TO HOLD ONTO IT FOREVER.
AND IT DOES NOT NEED TO HAVE A HOLD ON ME.

It's taking my energy to even PROCESS THIS SH*T.
ALL OVER AGAIN. FK. 

ANYWAY.... 

Like I said..... IF TWO PEOPLE ARE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE....
THEN JUST.... THEY ARE NOT! JUST THAT.

AND I WOULD RATHER KNOW THAT.
AND BE OKAY WITH THAT.

AND JUST..... CONTINUE TO LIVE MY LIFE. 
WHICH SHOULD BE OKAY TO DO.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO LET SOMEONE IN, AGAIN, 
AFTER I ALREADY TRIED THAT?

AND GOT TREATED LIKE SH*T FOR IT?
TO BE TREATED LIKE SH*T SOME MORE?

WHATEVER.... 

I HAVE ZERO..... LESS THAN ZERO.....
FAITH IN FKN VERY MUCH....

BUT "LOVE"? 
WHY SHOULD I HAVE FAITH IN THAT???????

HAVE I HAD A STELLAR LOVE LIFE?
HAVE I BEEN TREATED FAIRLY?
WAS I UNDERSTOOD?
DID THEY CARE?
DID THEY ACT LIKE THEY CARED?

ONLY WHEN THEY WANTED TO.....
NOT WHEN I WANTED THEM TO.

AND WANTING THEM TO.....
WAS "TOXIC."

AN EXCUSE TO TREAT ME EVEN WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WONDERFUL EH?
WHY SHOULD I WANT ANYTHING ANYMORE?

BECAUSE WHEN I JUST WANTED BASIC THINGS......
IT WAS "TOO MUCH!"

ALL.THE.FKN.TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK!

WOULDN'T THAT P*SS YOU OFF?
BEING TREATED LIKE THAT?

ALL.THE.FKN.TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FK!

WOULD IT NOT???????? ASKING!

AND AS ANGRY AS I EVER WAS......
OVER SH*T THAT WASN'T FKN FAIR TO ME.....

INSTEAD OF REALIZING:
THIS IS NOT FAIR TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY JUST TREATED ME WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO YES, THAT P*SSED ME OFF.

PRETTY SURE.... THAT WOULD P*SS MOST PEOPLE OFF!
NOT JUST ME!

BUT WHEN IT P*SSED ME OFF.....
I'M "TOXIC!"

FOR BEING P*SSED OFF ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I DID TOXIC THINGS?
THEN YEAH.... I WOULD BE.

BUT NOT WANTING TO GO BACKWARDS.
TO SOMETHING AND SOMEONE
WHO KEPT FKN INSULTING ME....

IS NOT FKN FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO I WISH I NEVER TOLD MIRROR SMASHER
HOW I FELT?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DO.

DO I REGRET FKN TRYING?
WITH EVERY DUDE I EVER TRIED WITH?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T REGRET HAVING MY SON.....
BUT I REGRET BEING WITH HIS FATHER.

HE DESERVED A BETTER FATHER!
THAN THAT POS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I'M CALLING HIM THAT....
BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID,

HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID.

ANYONE WHO WOULD DO THAT SH*T.
IS A POS!

BUT..... HOW DID DUDES TREAT ME?

LIKE: "I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER TF I WANT TO....
DGAF HOW YOU FEEL.... WON'T RESPECT YOU....
BUT.... I DON'T WANT YOU GOING ANYWHERE."

THAT IS HOW THEY FKN TREATED ME. OKAY?

AND "12 YEARS OF SILENT TREATMENT." OKAY?

BECAUSE "A***, I CAN JUST COME AND GO WHENEVER I WANT!"
NO. THE DOOR CLOSED WHEN YOU CLOSED IT.

I DID NOT KEEP IT OPEN.
I WAS NOT CRYING OVER YOU.
OR PINING AWAY FOR 12 FKN YEARS.....

"HOPING" YOU'D COME BACK
TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T SOME MORE....

HOW TF IS THAT TO TREAT SOMEONE
WHO WANTED TO FKN HAVE SOMETHING MEANINGFUL?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

NOT EVERYONE IS MATURE ENOUGH....
TO HAVE ANYTHING MEANINGFUL.....

OR TO TREAT IT AND ME PROPERLY. 

THEY ARE NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OR..... THEY WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF THEY DID........

WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO BE UPSET ABOUT?
ANYTHING? NO?

12 YEARS OF FKN SILENCE FOR MORE BS?
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT?

MADE ME MOVE ON!
THAT IS WHAT IT DID!

BECAUSE: WHY TF SHOULD I BE TREATED LIKE SH*T?

"IT'S NOT FAIR THAT A*** CHOSE HERSELF!"
NO?!

WHAT TF WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO?
WAIT FOR 12 YEARS?
I.WAS.NOT.WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD I WANT TO? FOR WHAT?

WHY DID I HAVE TO FKN TEACH SOMEONE
NOT TO PUT ME ON THE FKN SHELF?

WHEN YOU RUN FROM ME TO SOMEONE ELSE....
FN GO!!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO ME THAT FKN FAVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

WAS I NOT SUPPOSED TO GET FED UP?
I DID!!!!!!!!

WOULD HE HAVE? HE WOULD HAVE!
HE CAN SEE WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE.

OBVIOUSLY... I DON'T FEEL THE SAME.... NOW....
BECAUSE I DON'T FKN TRUST HIM.
AND HE TURNED ME TF OFF.

I DON'T SEE HIM THE SAME.
HOW COULD I?

THERE'S NO WAY.

IF SOMEONE LEAVES A BAD TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH.....
THERE'S A REASON THAT THEY DID!

AND YOUR VIEW OF THEM CHANGES, RIGHT?

HALF THE TIME YOU THINK THE GRASS IS GREENER....
IT ISN'T!!!!!!!

Y'KNOW WHY?
IT'S ONLY GREENER WHERE BOTH ARE WATERING IT!
OR IF IT IS FAKE GRASS.

YOU CAN STILL WATER FAKE GRASS....
BUT WILL IT GROW? NO?

HE THOUGHT I "NEEDED A RELATIONSHIP"
SO FKN BAD.....

THAT I'D WAIT FKN 12 YEARS?????????!!!!!!!!!!
WTF IS THAT SH*T?

WHAT KIND OF FKN ARROGANCE IS THAT?!

WOULDN'T IT BE ARROGANT OF ME?
TO DISCARD SOMEONE....
AND EXPECT THEM TO BE ALL LIKE:

"WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME THIS WAY?!"
"I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING!"

TREATING ME THAT WAY......
WAS PROOF I NEEDED TO KNOW:

FK.THIS.SH*T.

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW:
1) IS HE MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO PLAY GAMES?
2) IS HE MATURE ENOUGH TO COMMUNICATE?
3) IS HE TREATING ME LIKE I MATTER TO HIM?
4) IS HE ACTING LIKE HE VALUES ME?
5) IS HE ACTING LIKE HE APPRECIATES ME?

Questions like these.

IF IT'S YES, COOL!
IF IT'S NO.... IS THERE A POINT?

BASIC SH*T, THOUGH. BASIC. 

SHOULD I NOT HAVE CHOSEN MYSELF?
NOT POURED INTO MYSELF?

AFTER THAT SH*T?

IT'S OKAY FOR HIM TO FKN GHOST ME.... RIGHT?
FOR 12 FKN YEARS.... ?

BUT IT'S NOT OKAY FOR ME TO CHOOSE MYSELF?
OVER THAT SH*T?

IF I HAVE TO QUESTION WHERE TF I STAND....
IN ANYONE'S LIFE.....

I DO NOT WANT TO FKN BE IN IT!

JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO "DATE FOR FUN"
DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T HAVE AN ACTUAL COMMITMENT.

HE THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT?????!!!!!!

12 YEARS OF FKN SILENT TREATMENT???????

IF I DID THAT SH*T TO HIM.....
HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD HE?
IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED?

HE.DID.NOT.WANT.ME.
ACTED.LIKE.HE.DID.NOT.WANT.ME

SO I CONCLUDE: OKAY!

AND TOO ARROGANT.....
TO TRY TO "COME BACK" FOR 12 YEARS.....

LIKE: "I LIKE YOU SO MUCH....
I'M GOING TO TREAT YOU LIKE SH*T....
PUSH YOU ALL TF AWAY.....
GIVE YOU THE SILENT TREATMENT FOR 12 YEARS....
EXPECTING YOU TO COME BACK.....
BUT YOU DIDN'T....
WHICH MEANS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIGHT FOR YOU...
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BECAUSE I LOOK STUPID...
BUT I'M SO MAD THAT YOU COULD BE DATING SOMEONE ELSE."

WTF?????????

IF I DID THAT SH*T......
WHAT COULD I REALISTICALLY EXPECT?

FOR THE DUDE TO BE ON THE SHELF WHERE I LEFT HIM?
12 FKN YEARS AGO??????!!!!!

REALISTICALLY?????

IF I WAS A FKN OBJECT..... MAYBE!
BUT I AM A PERSON WITH FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHO DESERVED TO BE TREATED RIGHT.....
THE FIRST FKN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway.... I've been saying the same sh*t for a while.
I'm sure you get "the point."

WITHOUT ME SAYING IT A BILLION TIMES.... 

JUST..... DON'T.... BE..... LIKE..... THAT..... FKR.

BECAUSE..... PEOPLE WILL GET FED UP....
AND THEY WILL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR BS.

WHILE THEY FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN MEET THEM
WHERE THEY ARE!

AND TREAT THEM RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE WAY YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!!!!

AND HAD YOU TREATED THEM RIGHT....
THEY'D BEEN LOYAL!

LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TO THEM!

DO.NOT.SH*T.ON.PEOPLE.

CRAZY HOW THE MOST TOXIC PEOPLE
TRY TO DEFLECT THAT SH*T ONTO ME!

LIKE YOU HAVE NO FKN CLAIM TO SOMEONE
YOU DISCARDED!!!!!!!!!!!! NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT EVEN 12 YEARS LATER!

YOU HAVE NONE.

THE THING IS....
PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY BEING MANIPULATED.....
RARELY KNOW IT!

THE PEOPLE WHO DO THAT SH*T....
ARE SO GOOD AT IT....
THAT NOBODY REALIZES THEY ARE BEING MANIPULATED!

WOULD IT WORK IF THEY KNEW IT?
PROBABLY NOT!

RIGHT?

I DON'T DO THAT SH*T....
THE ONLY THINGS I EVER WANTED
ARE BASIC THINGS...
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING "EXTRA" FOR.

OKAY?

ARE BASIC THINGS "TOO MUCH" TO WANT?
FK NO. NEVER WERE!

AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN TREATED... 
LIKE IT WAS "TOO MUCH" TO WANT BASIC THINGS!!!!!!!!!!

OKAY? I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN TREATED LIKE THAT!

Anyway.... THAT SH*T.... ENDED..... FOR A REASON.
EVERY TIME BS ENDED..... IT WAS..... FOR.... A REASON.

Superficial, egotistical dudes are not my thing. 

DUDES WHO "NEED CONTROL" OVER ME.... 
INSTEAD OF THEMSELVES....

ARE NOT MY FKN THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I mean... If SOME IS SCARED TO LET ANYONE IN....
AND ONLY HAD SUPERFICIAL SH*T....
AND NEVER WENT DEEP BEFORE....

YEAH. THAT WOULD FEEL "OVERWHELMING."
AND IT REQUIRES "SOMETHING" FROM YOU.
TO BE ABLE TO "CONNECT."

IN WAYS YOU NEVER HAVE BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!

SURE..... PEOPLE ARE SCARED OF THAT.

BECAUSE.... IT GETS INTENSE SOMETIMES. 

IT'S UNLIKE ANYTHING THEY EVER EXPERIENCED.
RIGHT?

WHY WOULDN'T THAT BE SCARY?!

IT'S A HUGE RISK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO OPEN LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO JUST BE....... OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

OF COURSE MOST PEOPLE ARE GUARDED!!!!!!!!!!
WHY WOULDN'T THEY BE?

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY THINK....
THAT "CONNECTING"
ON THAT LEVEL....

ISN'T EVEN POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT IS!!!!!!!!!
WITH THE RIGHT PERSON!!!!!!!

WHO CAN CONNECT FROM THE OTHER SIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT TAKES 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT JUST 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING
UNTIL THEY GET FKN FED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT.... I AM FKN TIRED, AND I DID TRY!!!!!!!!!
UNTIL I STOPPED WANTING TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I WAS TREATED RIGHT.... JUST THAT.... 
I'D STILL WANT TO!
AND I'D STILL TRY!

I'D STILL BE THERE! R.O.D!

DO I HAVE TO WAIT THE REST OF MY LIFE?????
JUST TO BE TREATED RIGHT? JUST THAT?

I'D RATHER TREAT MYSELF RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAN BE TREATED LIKE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BY SOMEONE.....
WHO CLEARLY.....
DOES NOT KNOW WTF THEY WANT!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I "REWRITE" THE STORY?
TO ACCEPT SH*T THEY WOULDN'T ACCEPT FROM ME?

"BETTER TEST TO SEE IF I STILL HAVE ACCESS?"
"DO I STILL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT?"

WHY TF DID HE EXPECT TO "REOPEN" THE DOOR...?
DIDN'T THINK ABOUT WHAT HE DID.... RIGHT?
DIDN'T THINK ABOUT HOW THAT FELT.
WANTED TO CREATE THE DISTANCE... 

"I'LL GHOST HER TO AVOID CONSEQUENCES."
"12 YEARS IS LONG ENOUGH FOR IT NOT TO MATTER."
"SHE WON'T EVEN REMEMBER! I DON'T!"

THEY MADE CHOICES AND THOUGHT:
"HER AVAILABILITY WILL REMAIN."
NO. A*** WAS ONLY AVAILABLE BY CHOICE!
NOT OBLIGATION!

THOUGHT MY AVAILABILITY......
WOULD BE UNTOUCHED BY THEIR ACTIONS!

"FREEDOM IS EXCITING.....
WHEN THERE'S NO ACCOUNTABILITY!"

NO ACCOUNTABILITY? 
NO AVAILABILITY!

BUT HE ASSUMED.....
THAT AS SOON AS HE CAME BACK.....
I'D OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!
WITH WELCOMING ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE CASUAL "TEMPERATURE CHECK" WAS BS!
WHERE WAS THE SUBSTANCE?
WHERE IS THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT?
RECONNECTING DOES NOT REPLACE ACCOUNTABILITY!

DID HE NOT THINK:
AFTER 12 YEARS..... SHE HAS HER OWN LIFE!!!!!!!!!
SHE HAS ANOTHER DIRECTION!!!!!!!!!
"SHE'S GOING TO BE LOYAL TO HERSELF OVER ME
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T TRUST ME ANYMORE."

AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A SAFETY NET?
JUST THERE? TO CATCH THEM?
WHENEVER THEY WANT ME TO BE?
EVEN 12 YEARS LATER?

RECOGNIZING THINGS....
ISN'T REALIZING THEM. 
REPAIRING THEM.....

OR FKN TRANSFORMING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF I HAD SOMEONE?
I DIDN'T FKN NEED TO BE WITH ANYONE. 

THEY COULD JUST SAY:
"THAT'S WHY WE CAN'T RECONNECT."

RECONNECTING DOES NOT "ERASE"
HOW THEY FKN ACTED BEFORE. 

AND HAD I ACTED LIKE THAT?