Not Healthy

I've seen enough that I can't UNSEE. I CAN'T.

IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO BE IN ANYTHING....
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A "MENTAL PRISON."

THERE WAS NEVER ANYTHING I COULD HAVE SAID OR DONE!
FOR ANYONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO FKN UNDERSTAND ME....
TO FKN UNDERSTAND ME AND RESPECT ME!

THERE WAS NOTHING! NEVER ANYTHING!

HE DOESN'T WANT REJECTION?
HE LITERALLY DISCARDED ME!

HE ALREADY REJECTED ME! THE FKN IRONY!

RIGHT?

AND HE MADE IT HARD TO TALK TO HIM....
INTENTIONALLY.
OTHERWISE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY!

LIKE IT USED TO BE!
BUT? 

EXCUSE ME FOR FEELING PROTECTED
BY THAT REJECTION.

IT'S HEALTHY TO COMMUNICATE! FREELY!
IT'S HEALTHY TO BE TREATED PROPERLY!
IT'S HEALTHY TO WANT HEALTHY!

ANYONE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT'S TOXIC, 
IS THE ONE BEING TOXIC.

THEY THOUGHT I'D THINK I WAS THE TOXIC ONE?
"BETTER GASLIGHT A*** INTO THINKING SHE WAS THE TOXIC ONE."
"BETTER DISCARD HER AND TRY AGAIN 12 YEARS LATER!"
"TO DISCARD HER AGAIN!"
"TO TRY TO FK WITH HER EMOTIONS AGAIN!"

NO. ONLY ONCE DO YOU GET ACCESS TO MY EMOTIONS.
IF YOU EVER DO.

IF YOU DO, YOU ARE LUCKY.
BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DO NOT GIVE ACCESS TO EVERYONE.

BUT.... I GET TO REVOKE IT.

TRYING TO COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER SAYS:
"I WANT SOMETHING."

DO I NEED TO GAF WHAT ANYONE WANTS?
WHAT DID I WANT?

BASIC CONSIDERATION AND REGARD.

IT'D BE FKD IF HE'S BEEN WATCHING ME CLOSER THAN HE SHOULD.
HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEAVING ME TF ALONE.

HE DISCARDED ME. ALREADY.

A LONG TIME AGO.

Y'KNOW?

Lots of apologies I got were fake. 
IT WASN'T BECAUSE ANYONE WAS ACTUALLY SORRY
FOR ANYTHING THEY EVER DID!
OR WHY THEY EVER DID IT!
BUT BOTH!
NOT JUST WHY!
ACTUALLY WHAT THEY DID!

"I'LL INTENTIONALLY PROVOKE HER...."
"REPEATEDLY. AS MUCH AS SHE'LL LET ME."
"FOR AS LONG AS SHE'LL LET ME."
FK THAT.

I WANTED THE CONNECTION.
HE WANTED CONTROL.
FK HIM.

IF HE WANTED TO CONNECT WITH ME, 
HE WOULD HAVE FKN CONNECTED WITH ME.

FOR REAL.

ACTUALLY CONNECTED.
BECAUSE ACTUALLY CONNECTING IS HEALTHY.
WASTING SOMEONE'S TIME AND LIFE....
ISN'T.