It Feels Like This....

It feels like I'm not supposed to be allowed....
TO HAVE OR EXPRESS ANY EMOTIONS!
TO TELL THE BRUTAL TRUTH!
TO MOVE ON!
TO BE IN MY OWN LANE!
TO TRUST PEOPLE!

GETTING OVER IT MAKES HIM LOOK A TYPE OF WAY.
THAT'S WHY.

IT HAD TO DO WITH HOW HE LOOKS.
NOT BECAUSE HE MAGICALLY CARED.

HE KEPT INSULTING ME...
TO TRY TO DRAG ME DOWN.

BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT WHEN I GOT MY SH*T TOGETHER...
I WOULD RISE UP.

WHY WOULD HE WANT THAT?
IF I WAS DOING BETTER WITHOUT HIM....
THEN I WASN'T THE PROBLEM. RIGHT?

TRYING TO "CONTROL" ME BY BLOCKING ME LOL.
MAYBE TRY TO "CONTROL" YOURSELF. NOT ME.

WANTED ACCESS TO ME.... FOR A REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WAS SUPPOSED TO IGNORE THAT???????????? NO.

PUSHED EVERYONE AWAY? THEN WANT ME AFTER THAT?
ALREADY PUSHED ME AWAY!

ALREADY GHOSTED ME! "DEAD TO YOU."


But... WHY DID HE WANT ACCESS TO ME AFTER 12 YEARS???!!!
THERE WAS A REASON!
I DON'T HAVE TO IGNORE THAT OR TRUST IT!
RIGHT? 

BECAUSE IT WAS ANOTHER POWER TRIP FFS.
TRYING TO HAVE SOME SORT OF CONTROL OVER ME....

"I'LL PUNISH YOU! GHOST YOU AGAIN! 
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THE CONTROL I HAVE!"

"I CAN'T CONTROL YOU OTHERWISE BECAUSE YOU DON'T TRUST ME!"
WELL, NO SH*T!

"I CAN'T EMOTIONALLY ABUSE YOU ANYMORE!"
NOPE. CAN'T. 

Angry that I'm happier without that sh*t? THEN BE ANGRY ABOUT IT!
BECAUSE I AM HAPPIER WITHOUT THAT SH*T!

HAVE BEEN FOR 12 YEARS!!!!!!!! 
IMAGINE THAT!?

FK! LESS STRESS!
LESS TRYING FOR NOTHING!
LESS IGNORANCE!

DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO LEAVE AND WANT TO!
WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO?

WAS IT GREAT FOR ME LAST TIME? NO?
IT WAS BS!!!!!!!!!!! LAST TIME AND THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I INTIMIDATE PEOPLE! MOSTLY DUDES!
BECAUSE I'M HONEST!

A DUDE TOLD ME THAT I WAS "IMMASCULATING" HIM.
WAS I? OR WAS I TELLING THE TRUTH?

BECAUSE IF IT WAS COMING FROM SOMEONE ELSE... 
WOULD IT BE IMMASCULATING?
OR WOULD IT BE HONEST?

IF ANOTHER DUDE TOLD HIM THE SAME THING....
WOULD IT BE IMMASCULATING?

OR WOULD HE TELL HIM:
YOU HAVE A POINT!

AND WOULD HE FKN THINK ABOUT IT?
PROBABLY!

BUT IT CAME FROM ME!
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!

WAS I TRYING TO IMMASCULATE HIM?
OR WAS I MAKING A FKN POINT?

BECAUSE IF I WANTED TO IMMASCULATE A GUY.... 
I PROBABLY FKN COULD! 

IF THAT'S WHAT I TRULY WANTED! RIGHT?

BECAUSE WHY NOT?

DUDES TRY TO TAKE MY DIGNITY FROM ME ALL THE TIME!
THEN TRY TO GASLIGHT ME ABOUT IT... 

BUT I'M SUCH A TOXIC IMMASCULATING C*NT, RIGHT?

FOR SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THEY ARE ACTING!!!!!

Reminds me of something my brother said....
HE SAID:
"JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A MIRROR....
DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SHOVE IT IN ANYONE'S FACE..."

TRUE.... WHY SHOULD I TRY TO SHOW THEM SOMETHING....
THAT THEY FKN REFUSE TO SEE?

BUT... WHY WOULD PEOPLE WANT TO SEE....
THE BS OF THEMSELVES?

THAT THEY WERE ACTING LIKE A FKN TW@T?

AND I AM SUPPOSED TO TRUST THAT THEY WON'T?
EVER DO THAT SH*T AGAIN?

AND WHEN THEY DO.... I WAS RIGHT! NOT WRONG!
BECAUSE THEY SHOW ME AGAIN!

I SHOULD ONLY NEED TO SEE THAT ONCE.
BECAUSE ONCE IS THE PRECEDENT.
FOR FUTURE F*CKERY.

F*CKERY THEY KNEW I DIDN'T WANT.

I WASN'T UPSET ABOUT HIM BEING BUSY....
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.....

BUT CONSTANTLY INSULTED? NOT COOL.

ALL HE HAD TO SAY: I'LL BE BUSY....
OR WHATEVER HE HAD TO SAY.... 

BUT WHEN HE THINKS HE CAN...
AND TRIES TO REPLACE ME....
THEN REALIZES... "GRASS ISN'T GREENER..."

"A***, I MADE A MISTAKE!"
WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THAT?!
WHAT?

RAN AWAY. HMMM.
THEN GOT MAD THAT I WAS LIKE: OKAY.
YOU GO DO THAT.

HAVE FUN.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
BEG AND CRY ABOUT IT?

BUT A CASUAL "TESTING THE WATERS" APPROACH....
WAS FKN INSULTING AND INFURIATING.

TO START WITH.

AND I TRIED NOT TO LET MY ANGER CONSUME ME....
I TRIED TO BE POLITE.... 

BY.... TELLING HIM I WISHED HIM WELL ETC... 
BUT... NOT INTERESTED.... BECAUSE OF WHAT I RECALL.
IT LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH!

VERY BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH.

WHY WOULD I NOT JUST WANT MYSELF BACK?
WHY WOULDN'T I JUST... CHOOSE MYSELF?
OVER SOMEONE.... WHO DESTROYED IT CONSTANTLY!
AND EXPECTED ME TO FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO I WANT TO?????????????? 

THEN RE-GHOST ME FOR NOT WANTING A REPEAT!

"I'LL DISCARD YOU AGAIN, A***!" OKAY! DO THAT.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T GIVE YOU ACCESS?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T TRY TO FIX IT FOR YOU?
WHEN I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN EXPECTED TO?

Fkn exhausting to be expected to do so much....
WITHOUT BEING ALLOWED TO EXPECT ANYTHING BUT BS!
WITHOUT BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE AND EXPRESS FEELINGS!
BECAUSE THAT'S "TOXIC." FK HIM FOR THAT.

HOW ABOUT.... DON'T FKN BREADCRUMB PEOPLE....
PROJECT SH*T....
GHOST THEM FOR 12 YEARS....
INSULT THEM.... 
AND PUSH THEM AWAY....

IF YOU WANTED TO TALK.....
THAT'S NOT HOW TO GET SOMEONE TO FKN WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S BS!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT FKN IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT NEVER WASN'T BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT WAS LIKE:
"YOU WEREN'T WORTH TREATING RIGHT!"
"YOU WEREN'T BEING HONEST WITH!"
"YOU WEREN'T WORTH THE ACCOUNTABILITY!"
"YOU WEREN'T WORTH TALKING TO FOR 12 YEARS!"
"I CAN KEEP YOU ON THE SHELF FOR WHENEVER!"

HOW WOULD THAT FEEL FOR HIM?
WONDERFUL?

AND "YOU ARE TOXIC!" 
FOR WHAT?
DOING THE THINGS HE WAS DOING TO ME?

THAT I WASN'T DOING?!

LIKE... IF YOU WOULD RATHER....
DEFLECT AND PROJECT... 
INSTEAD OF TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR BS.... 

AND GIVING ME EXCUSES FOR BS.... 
INSTEAD OF OWNING IT... 
AND RUNNING FROM ACCOUNTABILITY AGAIN... 

ALL OF THAT IS BS, TOO. 

AND WHAT WOULD I PREFER OVER BS?
SOLITUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'LL LET MY SILENCE TALK FOR ME.

WHILE I HEAL MYSELF FROM THIS...
AND THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT... 

"WHAT IS MEANT FOR YOU...
WON'T REQUIRE YOU TO BEG OR LOWER YOUR STANDARDS."

I WON'T LOWER MY STANDARDS. JUST WON'T.

ABOUT HOW I DESERVE TO BE TREATED 
AND HOW I DON'T.

I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED
AS THOUGH HAVING STANDARDS
IS TOXIC. IT'S NOT.

OR AS THOUGH I AM FOR HAVING STANDARDS. I'M NOT.

MY STANDARDS WEREN'T AS HIGH AS THEY THOUGHT, THOUGH.
FAIRNESS. PRETTY STANDARD STANDARD.... 

IF HE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE MANIPULATED....
WHY WOULD I?
IF HE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE CONTROLLED...
WHY WOULD I?

WOULD HE WANT TO BE GHOSTED FOR 12 YEARS?
WOULD HE WANT TO BE DISCARDED AND INSULTED? 
PROBABLY NOT!

PROJECTED ON? NO.
TREATED LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT? NO.
TREATED LIKE HAVING STANDARDS IS TOXIC?
TREATED LIKE HAVING STANDARDS MEANT HE WAS TOXIC?

IT'S NOT.... "WAIT UNTIL THINGS BLOW OVER" 12 YEARS!?!
IT'S NOT.... "TEST HER TEMPERATURE."
IT'S NOT.... "PRETEND NOTHING HAPPENED."

HE DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY
BECAUSE HE CAN'T CHANGE THAT HE DID THAT SH*T.

AND TRYING: "I FORGOT HOW I TREATED YOU."

NO. THAT SH*T DOESN'T WORK WITH ME.
IT P*SSED ME OFF. 

A REFUSAL TO FKN GROW UP.... P*SSES ME OFF.

ACCESS DENIED BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE THE CODE.
THE CODE REQUIRES SELF-REFLECTION. 

REALIZATIONS. HONESTY. 
NO MORE GAMES.

ADULT CONVO.
NO IMMATURE SH*T.

SELFISH NOT TO WANT TO SEE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE!
SELFISH TO WANT ACCESS TO ME AFTER 12 YEARS!
SELFISH TO NOT TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY!
SELFISH TO RUN AWAY LIKE A LITTLE B*TCH! AGAIN!
SELFISH TO WANT ME TO RETURN FROM "THE DEAD."

TO TRY TO INSULT ME SOME MORE!

SEEMS TOO IMMATURE FOR ME.