Crazy Glue For "Lube"

I'll apologize for dumping all the posts about that "situation."
Been trying to get it out of my system. 

It was.... For a while. I was doing well before that sh*t.
I rarely thought about him anymore.
Rarely thought about any of it.

It was behind me.

Maybe that's what bugs me.... 
IT WAS BEHIND ME.

I WASN'T LOOKING BACK!

I WAS LIVING MY LIFE!
HOW TOXIC OF ME TO DO! FKER!

MY ABSENCE FOR 12 YEARS...
MADE YOUR HEART GROW "FONDER"?

IT DIDN'T DO THAT TO MINE.
I DIDN'T FORGET EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

MY ABSENCE WAS BECAUSE YOU DISCARDED ME.
NOT BECAUSE WE WERE ON A "BREAK."
IT WASN'T A PAUSE OR A BREAK.
IT WASN'T "TO BE CONTINUED."
IT WAS FKN OVER. 
IT ENDED.
IT WAS DONE.
I WAS DONE.
I AM DONE.

NO POINT WHEN PEOPLE ACT LIKE THEY
DON'T FKN UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD I SWITCH TO JAPANESE? OR SOMETHING ELSE? FK!

MIRROR SMASHER WAS LIKE THAT....
ACTED LIKE HE COULDN'T FKN UNDERSTAND WHAT I SAID!!!!!
WAS FKING INFURIATING!!!!!!!!!!!

PLAYED FKN STUPID! I HATE THAT SH*T!
HE KNEW WHAT I WAS SAYING!
AND WHY I WAS FKN SAYING IT!
HE FKN KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE DID!

IF I TRUSTED HIM....
MAYBE I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!

BUT I FKN DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
AND THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN OKAY!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULDN'T THAT BE OKAY?

SHOULD I GET MAD IF I WANTED SOMEONE'S TRUST?
AND I ACTED IN WAYS THAT DIDN'T FOSTER TRUST?

AND TRY TO PUNISH THEM FOR NOT TRUSTING ME?

SHOULD I DO THAT?

WOULD THERE BE A POINT IN DOING THAT?
JUST TO BE MAD?

THAT I DIDN'T GET THE TRUST I WANTED?

SHOULD I TRUST SOMEONE WHO ALREADY DISCARDED ME?
LIKE I MEANT NOTHING TO THEM?

PROBABLY NOT!
THEY ALREADY DID THAT!

TO DO IT AGAIN.... SAID SOMETHING.

GUESS YOU DIDN'T WANT TO "TALK" AFTER ALL. LOL!

BUT.... YOU COULD HAVE TALKED TO ME.... YEARS AGO....
BUT.... DID YOU?

OR WERE YOU WAITING FOR ME TO TRY TO CHASE YOU?!
BECAUSE: NO TF I WILL NOT!

I WILL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR BS. EASILY.

Anyway.... Again... Once this is ALL OUT.... IT'LL BE DONE.
AND I'LL BE WRITING ABOUT OTHER THINGS... 

IF THERE WAS AN ACTUAL PAUSE....
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT! RIGHT?

I WOULD HAVE WELCOMED HIM BACK!
AND BEEN HAPPY TO RECONNECT. RIGHT?

BUT IT WAS FKN OVER!!!!!!!! BECAUSE HE CHOSE THAT!

I WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TRUSTED HIM! RIGHT?
LIKE I USED TO?
IF IT WAS A PAUSE?

WHY WOULD I TRUST SOMEONE'S FKN EGO?
IF THEY LET THEIR EGO RUN THE SHOW....
AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK THAT'S MATURE?

AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST YOU?
NOT TO DO THE SH*T YOU NEVER HAD TO?

I DID! I TRUSTED HIM NOT TO BE ABOUT ANY BS!
LIKE HE TRUSTED ME NOT TO BE ABOUT BS! RIGHT?

IF I GAVE HIM A CHANCE WITHOUT TRUSTING HIM?
HOW LONG WOULD THAT LAST!?

WAS I SUPPOSED TO PRETEND TO TRUST?
WAS I SUPPOSED TO LIE?

OR WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY HOW I FELT?
AND BE HONEST ABOUT IT?

YEAH, BRUTAL HONESTY IS HONESTY!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE BRUTALLY HONEST?
SHOULD I HAVE BEEN FAKE? LIED?

BRUTALLY DISHONEST?
IS THAT WHAT HE WANTED INSTEAD?

WANTED TO CONTROL HOW I SAW HIM...
GOT MAD THAT I DON'T LOOK AT HIM THE SAME.

"YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO!"
DO I?

GOT MAD BECAUSE I DON'T? 
GEE, WHY DON'T I?

IF I TRIED TO RECONNECT WITH IRON HEART....
AS AN EXAMPLE....
AFTER FKING HIM AROUND.... 
WOULD HE TRUST ME?
PROBABLY NOT!
WOULD HE THINK I WANTED SOMETHING FROM HIM?
PROBABLY!

ESPECIALLY..... AFTER 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!

HE WOULD LIKELY THINK SOMETHING WAS UP WITH THAT!
WOULD HE NOT?

PROBABLY!

WAS I NOT SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THAT YOU BOUNCED?
I DID! FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS!
FUNNY INDEED!

WOULD IT LOOK LIKE PLAYING A GAME....
IF I.... DISCARDED HIM.... 12 YEARS AGO....
AND TRIED TO COME BACK LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?

THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE TO ME.

IT LOOKS LIKE TRYING TO FKN TRIGGER ME, 
OR TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.

THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE:
"I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU. I'M SORRY. I WANT TO TALK."

IT LOOKS LIKE:
"I WANT SOMETHING I'M EXPECTING TO GET FROM YOU."

EXPECTING.... NOT ENTITLED TO.
HOPING FOR.... NOT ENTITLED TO.

ACTING A TYPE OF WAY LIKE THEY WERE ENTITLED
TO GET SOMETHING THEY WANTED....
AND DIDN'T GET IT... 

DOESN'T SCREAM: "YOU CAN TRUST ME, A***."
TRYING TO COME BACK WHEN I'M GETTING MYSELF BACK....

AFTER A SH*T TON OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE... 

HEALING FROM THAT.... DOING OKAY FINALLY.... 

WANTED A REACTION. THAT'S WHY HE DID IT.
DIDN'T GET THE REACTION HE WANTED.

GOT MAD. OKAY. BE SUPER MAD!

WANT A CAPE? I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL. FK.

FKN 5 YEARS OLD? OR AN ADULT?
HARD TO TELL, ACTING LIKE THAT.

ADULTS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO FKN ACT LIKE THAT, THOUGH.
THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO REALIZE THINGS THAT KIDS DON'T.

THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO... BE ABLE TO.... COMMUNICATE. WELL.
LIKE.... AN ADULT.

WE... ARE NOT.... TEENAGERS.... ANYMORE!

AM I 16? NO. I'M 40 FKN 2. 42! 

DO I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ACTS 17? NO.
I DON'T. I REALLY FKN DON'T.

THERE'S NOTHING THAT SAYS:
"WE'LL MAKE PROGRESS! BECAUSE I'M MATURE!"

NO PROGRESS? NO POINT.

WANTED ME TO THINK HE WAS DONE WITH ME....
WASN'T I SUPPOSED TO THINK THAT?
AND BELIEVE IT? AND MOVE ON?
BECAUSE OF IT? AND ACCEPT THAT?

HE'D HAVE TO ACCEPT IT IF I DISCARDED HIM!
HE'D HAVE TO MOVE ON WITH HIS LIFE!
I THOUGHT HE DID!

HE ACTED LIKE HE WANTED TO! RIGHT? 
SO I LET HIM DO THAT?

AND HE GOT MAD BECAUSE I DID? WTF?

WOULD HE BE MAD IF I HADN'T ACCEPTED IT?
AND ACTUALLY DID TOXIC SH*T?
PROBABLY!

SO WHAT WAY DID HE WANT IT?
FKN SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD!
WITH CRAZY GLUE FOR LUBE!
THERE YA GO!

THE ONLY REASON I'M EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE....
IS BECAUSE WHEN I WAS EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE....
HOW WAS I BEING TREATED?
LIKE NOTHING?
LIKE CRAP?

IF I WAS TOXIC....
I WOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE I WAS ENTITLED.... 
TO ANYTHING HE HAD TO OFFER!

WAS I? EVER? NO.

DID I WANT VERY MUCH OF ANYTHING? NO?

ACCOUNTABILITY? YEAH.
CONSIDERATION? YEAH.
LOYALTY? YEAH.
RESPECT? YEAH.
HONESTY? YEAH. (INCLUDING HONESTY WITH YOURSELF).

SO MUCH TO WANT! RIGHT?

BUT THEY WANT THESE THINGS FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?

IT'S OKAY FOR THEM TO WANT ME TO BE SOLID! RIGHT?
SO WHY IS IT A FKN HUGE DEAL....
FOR ME TO WANT THOSE THINGS TOO?

WHY AM I "TOXIC" FOR WANTING THOSE THINGS?

BUT I'M TOXIC FOR WANTING YOU TO DO BETTER?
FOR WANTING TO BE TREATED PROPERLY?

THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TREATED?
THE FIRST TIME?

THEN... I AM THE MOST TOXIC PERSON EVER!

It just feels like I'm not going to be ON THE SAME PAGE....
WITH ANYONE... 

AND THAT IS OKAY!

DO I NEED TO BE SHARING MY LIFE... 
WITH SOMEONE WHO KEPT INSULTING ME?
AND TAKING ME FOR GRANTED?
AND TRIED TO PUNISH ME?
FOR NOT TRUSTING THEM?

WHY WOULD THERE BE TRUST THERE?
WHY?

THERE USED TO BE.... 
BUT THERE WAS NO APPRECIATION, PROGRESS....

WAS I SUPPOSED TO TRUST THAT IT WOULD BE THERE?
THIS TIME AROUND? FK NO.

PROJECTING SH*T ONTO ME....
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "YOU CAN TRUST ME!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I HAVE CHANGED!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I MISSED YOU!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I WANT TO START OVER!"
DOESN'T SCREAM: "I WAS WRONG!"

A LOT OF THINGS IT DOESN'T SCREAM. RIGHT?

DO I NEED HIM TO TELL ME HE WAS WRONG? NO!
DO I NEED CONTROL OVER WHAT HE REALIZES? NO!

ABOUT ME? ABOUT HIMSELF? ABOUT ANYTHING? NO!

ACCOUNTABILITY LOOKS LIKE:
"I TREAT A*** PROPERLY BECAUSE SHE DESERVED IT ALL ALONG!"
"I REGRET TREATING A*** LIKE SH*T... SO MUCH I WOULD NEVER!"
"I DON'T WANT TO LOSE A***."

FOREVER. TO SOMEONE ELSE.

BEEN TURNED OFF SO MUCH....
IT WOULD TAKE A LOT TO TURN ME ON.

SURE, I GET A "BONER" FOR INTELLIGENCE....
BUT INTELLIGENCE ISN'T MATURITY.

BUT I KNOW A LOT OF EGO SH*T....
IS FEAR AND INSECURITY.

PROJECTIONS ARE INSECURITY-BASED, TOO. 

OTHERWISE.... THERE WOULD BE NO PROJECTIONS!

SECURE PEOPLE DON'T PROJECT!
THEY REFLECT, YES.

BUT WHY PROJECT?
NOTHING TO GAIN FROM IT.
JUST AN EGO THING.

WOULD I GAIN ANYTHING FROM PROJECTING MY SH*T ON HIM?

DON'T GAIN A LOT FOR TELLING THE TRUTH, EITHER!

HAVE I? NOT REALLY....
BUT AT LEAST IT'S THE TRUTH!!!!!

I just needed to get it out. I'm tired. Been tired. Of BS....
FOR AN EXTREMELY LONG TIME!

AND WHEN PEOPLE AREN'T DONE WITH THEIR SH*T....
AND TRY TO COME BACK TO TRY TO PLAY SOME MORE....

I GET TIRED OF THAT SH*T TOO!

LIKE I COULD BE IN MY LANE... VIBING... GROOVY....
AND SOMETHING OR SOMEONE.....
WANTS TO FKN RUIN IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY!

COULD HAVE MOVED ON AFTER DISCARDING ME!
LET ME REST IN PEACE AFTER GHOSTING ME!

RIGHT?!

YOU TRY TO DIG UP THE "DEAD...."
THEY WON'T BE THE SAME! RIGHT?

BUT GHOSTING ME AFTER GHOSTING ME....
SAYS EVERYTHING.

IT SAYS: I WAS RIGHT NOT TO FKN WANT TO TRUST YOU!
IT SAYS: I COULDN'T!
IT SAYS: YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED!
IT SAYS: MORE BS!

WOULD YOU TRUST SOMEONE WHO GHOSTED YOU?
FOR 12 FKN YEARS?

AND ACTED LIKE THEY DID NOTHING WRONG TO YOU?

LIKE YOU COULD JUST PICK UP WHERE YOU WERE BEFORE THAT?

DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT! RIGHT?

LIKE.... ALL I WANTED.... WAS.... 
TO RECOVER FROM....
BEING TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BY SOMEONE I TRUSTED NOT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S ALL THAT I WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S ALL.

NOW, I HAVE TO RESTART THAT.... I GUESS....
TOOK A WHILE LAST TIME. Y'KNOW?

TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY? AM I ALLOWED TO BE TIRED?
BECAUSE APPARENTLY I WASN'T ALLOWED TO MOVE ON!
I WASN'T ALLOWED TO LET SOMEONE GO....
WHO DIDN'T FKN WANT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

FK!!!!!! I HAVE TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR STAYING.
FOR NOTHING. 

FOR WANTING FAIRNESS FROM SOMEONE...
WHO WOULDN'T GIVE THAT.

FOR WANTING MATURITY FROM PEOPLE....
WHO JUST.... WEREN'T OR AREN'T. 
IT'S TIME TO BE FAIR TO MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEING FAIR TO MYSELF LOOKS A LOT LIKE:
NOT FKING DEALING WITH PEOPLE
WHO DO NOT KNOW HOW TF TO TREAT ME.

IF SOMEONE "MISHANDLED ME" THE FIRST TIME....
CHANCES ARE.... THEY'LL DO IT AGAIN!

Someone put it this way:

WHEN YOU PLAN TO KEEP SOMETHING, 
YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.

WHEN YOU THINK IT'S DISPOSABLE....
YOU DON'T CARE HOW YOU TREAT IT.

THAT'S WHY MOST PEOPLE HAVE TREATED ME SO FKN BAD!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE I WAS FKN DISPOSABLE AND DISCARDABLE TO THEM!!!!!!!

DID THEY CARE ABOUT KEEPING ME AND TAKING CARE OF ME?
OF MY FEELINGS?
OF THE "CONNECTION"?

NO TF HE DIDN'T JUST WANT TO TALK....
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE.... 

BUT... HE COULD HAVE BEEN HONEST. STILL WASN'T.

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO TRUST HIM?

COULD HE NOT SEE WHY I FKN WOULDN'T?