Any Guesses?

Maybe I keep writing about this....
Because there might be some things in these posts....
That are worth thinking about....

Because.... Maybe they can be applied to other situations...

Someone once told me that something I wrote...
EARNED THEM A DINNER.

Just sharing something I said that "made sense."
That they thought might help someone... I don't know.

I know some people actually read my posts... 

Whether they think about what I write....
Was never up to me.

BUT IT REALLY SURPRISED ME....
THAT WHATEVER I HAD SAID....

WAS WORTH REMEMBERING...
AND TELLING SOMEONE ELSE.

THAT.... MADE..... MY STRUGGLE.....
AND PAIN.....
WORTH..... SO MUCH....
TO ME.

BECAUSE.... IT BECAME.... PRACTICAL.

I think about that.... From time to time... 
IT REALLY TOUCHED ME 
IN ONE OF THE BEST WAYS....
EVER.

It made me.... Not want to hide so much anymore... 
It made me.... Feel.... LIKE SOMEONE.... HEARD ME.

THANK YOU. 

I'd probably would have kept writing... Just to write... 
Because that is how.... I process things... 
It has really helped me over the years... 

Maybe some things.... Help other people, too. 

IF IT DOES.... THAT MATTERS TO ME, TOO.

If things I have learned.... And come to terms with.....
If any of it helps, that's for whoever it helps.

If it even helps with another perspective... 

BUT.... HERE IS SOMETHING....
HOW SOMEONE CAN TREAT ME....
THEY COULD TREAT SOMEONE ELSE.

AND OTHER PEOPLE WILL SEE THAT.

IF SOMEONE TREATS ME LIKE CRAP....
REGARDLESS OF THE REASON.....
WHEN I DID NOT DESERVE IT..... 
WHEN IT WAS UNFAIR TO ME......

THEY CAN DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!
PEOPLE SEE THAT. 

But... Not only do they see that....
THEY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
AND WHAT IT SAYS.
ABOUT THEM.

People can be mad at me....
FOR CALLING THEM OUT!

BUT.... WHY DID I HAVE TO?
WOULD I, UNLESS I HAD TO?

DID I WANT TO???? NO?

IF I WASN'T "GOOD ENOUGH."
THEN HAVE WHAT YOU CHOSE!

I WANT TO JUST BE "GOOD ENOUGH"
FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKAY?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE "GOOD ENOUGH"
FOR SOMEONE WHO TRIED TO MAKE ME FEEL....
LIKE I WASN'T?

Shouldn't be HARD to TALK! RIGHT?

IF IT IS TOO HARD TO HAVE AN HONEST CONVO.....
WTF IS THE POINT!? IS THERE ONE?

DO I WANT TO CONSTANTLY FIGHT TO HAVE ONE? NO?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT??????
WHEN I COULD JUST FKN TALK!!!!!!?????????????

AND MAKE PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH SOMEONE.....
WHO WANTS PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO WANTS THE SAME THINGS AS I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WITH THE SAME INTENTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY BE ANGRY AT ME FOR SEEING MY WORTH??????????
MANY PEOPLE COULD HAVE WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE!

ANGRY THAT I AM OKAY WITH MYSELF?
CAN'T BE PLAYED WITH ANYMORE....

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE PLAYED WITH?
DID HE WANT TO BE PLAYED WITH? NO?
WAS I PLAYING? NO?

P*SSED OFF BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO REPEAT BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOULD THEY? PROBABLY NOT!

DID I CARE ABOUT HIM? YES!
OR WOULD I HAVE BOTHERED? NO!

HOW IS IT THAT I BROKE "HIS HEART"
BY NOT WANTING TO REPEAT THE SAME SH*T?

WOULD IT NOT BE UNDERSTANDABLE?
WOULD HE WANT TO?

PROBABLY NOT!

MAYBE.... OUR PATHS WILL CROSS ONE DAY.....
AND MAYBE.... HE WILL ADMIT TO THINGS.....

BUT DO I NEED THAT FROM HIM? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO I NEED ANYTHING FROM HIM? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO I WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE: I AM OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE BEEN OKAY FOR 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to struggle ALONE! RIGHT?
So why would being ALONE bother me?

IF I WAS PUT THERE, I WAS PUT THERE!
RIGHT?

BUT.... I DON'T HAVE TO STAY THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ON THE SHELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guys who EXPECT THAT FROM ME......
ARE FOOLISH.

AND NOT ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

WHY WOULD FOOLISHNESS LOOK ATTRACTIVE?

MAYBE: "THIS IS WHAT I HAVE LEARNED...."
LOOKS MORE ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

MAYBE: "THIS IS THE CONVO YOU WANTED AND NEEDED FROM ME..."
LOOKS ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

NOT.... MORE.... BS.
GROSS.

BUT.... TRYING TO AFFECT MY DIGNITY.....
IS SOMETHING ELSE.

NOBODY GETS TO DO THAT SH*T.....

AND THINKS..... I WANT TO.....
RECONNECT AND GIVE ACCESS TO ME.

AFTER THAT CRAP.

And.... I could expose him completely.... 
BUT.... MY EXPERIENCE OF THE CHOICES....
TO HURT ME... 
REPEATEDLY.... 

AND INTENTIONALLY.... 
DELIBERATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT SAYS THINGS ABOUT THEM.
CHOOSING TO DO THOSE THINGS.

PEOPLE SEE IT.

I AM ALLOWED TO TELL THE TRUTH!
REGARDLESS OF "MINIMIZING."

IF SOMEONE IS RUINING SOMETHING
INTENTIONALLY.... 

THAT IS INTENTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU CAN'T MINIMIZE THAT.

MINIMIZING IS NOT HONESTY!
IT'S DEFLECTION!

DEFLECTION......
IS ABOUT TRYING TO BLAME ME.....
FOR SH*T THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IMAGINE THAT?

BEING ON THE RECEIVING END OF THAT........
SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

IT WASN'T A "MISTAKE."
IT WAS A CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE HOW MIRROR SMASHER DID ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT WAS A CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE WHO WOULD CHOOSE TO HURT ME.....
ON PURPOSE....... 
AND CHOSE THAT......

IS NOT SOMEONE I WANT TO TRUST.....
EVEN 12 YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It wasn't just THE DAMAGE DONE.....
IT WAS HAVING TO LIVE WITH THAT.....
AND HAVING TO "SUFFER" IN SILENCE......

LIKE THAT SH*T WAS FAIR.....
IT WASN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone who PRIVATELY treats someone LIKE SH*T......
PUBLICLY HAS ANOTHER PERSONA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I WOULD NEVER!"

YES...... YOU DID.....
PRIVATELY.....

SO YOU COULD DENY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK THE WAY
I THOUGHT YOU WERE!

IF HE DID IT PUBLICLY..... 
PEOPLE..... WOULD BE LIKE.... WTF????????

IF HE'S LIKE THAT TO HER.....
HE'S LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND COULD BE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

So..... If you want a stellar reputation.....
DON'T DO THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!

BE THE SAME.....
PUBLICLY.....
AND.....
PRIVATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL THE INFO THAT WAS NOT ADMITTED TO......
WAS A NARRATIVE ABOUT ME.....

THAT WAS NOT ENTIRELY CORRECT.

RIGHT?

IF SOMEONE IS NOT GOING TO BE HONEST
ENOUGH TO ADMIT CERTAIN THINGS.....

IS THE NARRATIVE CORRECT? NO?

BUT.... WHY WOULD I NOT WANT TO RETURN TO THAT?

ANY GUESSES?