Not A Miracle Worker

I'm frustrated. Really. I'm tired and frustrated. 
I'm even angrier! 

When people don't respect me or my time, 
What am I supposed to say?

When people accuse me of ARGUING WITH THEM
WHEN I TOLD THEM MY STANCE!

I TOLD SOMEONE WHO WANTED MY TIME
THAT I WAS TOO TIRED
TO CONCENTRATE ON HER, 
TO LISTEN, TO HER STUFF....
BECAUSE I NEEDED TO REST.

I HAVE TO BE AWAKE EARLY.
TOMORROW.

AND NOW, I'M GOING TO GET VERY LITTLE SLEEP
BECAUSE SHE LITERALLY REFUSES
TO UNDERSTAND
THAT I HAVE HUMAN NEEDS. 

AND I DON'T WANT TO LET HER BE SELFISH
WITH ME AND MY TIME. 

I HAVE ALREADY BEEN GENEROUS.
WITH MY TIME. 

TWICE IN A ROW.

I gave into her a bunch of times
SO SHE WANTED ME TO KEEP DOING IT.
WHEN I TOLD HER NO, SHE GOT MAD.
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T GET WHAT SHE WANTED
WHEN SHE WANTED IT.
OR WHY SHE WANTED IT.

WHICH IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

DO I EVER GET WHAT I WANT?
SOMEONE TO HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME?
TO UNDERSTAND ME?
TO APPRECIATE ME?

Imagine telling someone:
"If you need anything...."
AND WHEN YOU NEED TO REST
OR GO TO BED EARLY, YOU'RE NOT "ALLOWED"?

WHEN YOU ARE TELLING THEM
WHAT YOU NEED
YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO SAY IT?
LET ALONE HAVE THAT?

JUST TO REST?
BECAUSE YOU ARE NEEDED SOMEWHERE THE NEXT DAY?

But spin it however you want to!

Make me a B*TCH FOR BEING TOO TIRED
TO PROCESS ALL OF EVERYONE'S STUFF!
WHENEVER THEY WANT ME TO!
JUST FOR THEM!

DO I GET TIME TO PROCESS MINE?
ONLY YOURS?

BUT ASSUME I AM PLAYING GAMES
BECAUSE I LITERALLY CANNOT
PROCESS ANYONE'S CRAP
WHEN I AM TIRED AND OVERLOADED. 

WHEN YOU EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM ME
AND I CAN'T EVEN EXPECT
ENOUGH RESPECT FROM YOU
TO JUST ALLOW ME TO REST....

AND YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
FOR NOT GIVING INTO YOU.....
TO TRY TO MAKE ME GIVE INTO YOU.....

SO THAT YOU CAN BE A VICTIM 
OF MY EXHAUSTION.... 

LIKE I AM CRUEL AND DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR "PAIN."

YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE ANY?
SEE ME DUMPING IT ON YOU?
RIGHT WHEN I JUST MET YOU?

NO?

FELT COMFORTABLE TELLING ME, I LISTENED. 
BUT NOW I HAVE TO PROCESS ALL OF IT,
ON TOP OF MY OWN STUFF. 

I CAN'T PROCESS IT FOR HER. 

AND THEN SHE'S LOOKING AT MY PICTURES
AND SAYS I LOOK DIFFERENT IN TWO PICS, 
"IS THAT YOU?"

LIKE I'M PUTTING UP FAKE PICS OR SOMETHING. 
I DON'T FKN KNOW. WHY EVEN ASK ME?
BECAUSE I MUST BE TRYING TO "SCAM" HER SOMEHOW.... 

EVEN THOUGH I MET HER IN PERSON, 
WAS NICE TO HER IN PERSON. 

MADE TIME FOR HER. 
TWICE. 

BUT NOT THE TIME SHE WANTED ME TO....
BUT SHE DIDN'T LET ME REST LIKE I WANTED TO. 

I'M STUBBORN AND SELFISH FOR BEING TIRED
AND NOT GIVING IN TO HER. 

I DON'T HANG OUT WITH CHICKS. 
THIS IS WHY. 

NOW I AM P*SSED OFF. 
HAVING TO DEFEND MY FKN EXHAUSTION
FKN EXHAUSTED ME EVEN MORE!

I NEED TO BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW!
I NEED TO BE OUT AND ON THE ROAD EARLY!

I PROBABLY WON'T BE GETTING ANY SLEEP NOW. 
I SHOULD HAVE JUST LET HER ARGUE WITH HERSELF. 
AND GONE TO BED. 

FKN ENTITLED TO MY TIME? AFTER JUST MEETING ME?

I HAVE TO BE STUBBORN WHEN PEOPLE DON'T FKN LISTEN!
THEY EXPECT ME TO LISTEN TO THEM!
BUT WHEN DO THEY LISTEN TO ME?
WHEN I TELL THEM I AM TIRED?
WHEN I TELL THEM I NEED SLEEP?
WHEN I TELL THEM I WANT TO REST?
BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE UP EARLY?

IT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH GIRLS!
IF THEY ACT LIKE THIS.... WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

I'M NOT HER FKN BOYFRIEND. I JUST MET HER FFS.
SO WHY AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE'S FEELINGS?

ARE THEY RESPONSIBLE FOR MINE? OR AM I?
PRETTY SURE I AM! NOT THEM!

INSTANT GRATIFICATION. 
BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO TALK IMMEDIATELY. 
AFTER WE HAD SAID "GOOD NIGHT."

EVEN CALLED ME A LIAR!
WHAT DID I LIE ABOUT?
ANYTHING?

LYING ABOUT MY PICS?
BECAUSE I LOOKED DIFFERENT IN THEM?
THEY WEREN'T TAKEN ON THE SAME DAY!
OR THE SAME YEAR!

WANTS TO DISTRUST ME AND HUMBLE ME....
FOR WHAT?
FOR NOT JUMPING ON A CALL WITH HER!
BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO!
DID I? NO!
I WANTED TO GO TO BED!
THE NIGHT BEFORE I WAS UP TO 6AM!
BECAUSE I LISTENED TO HER!
FOR 5 HOURS!
MET WITH HER IN PERSON FOR 3 HOURS!
SHE GOT 8 HOURS OF MY TIME!

TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

SHOULD I WANT TO CONTINUE? NO?

IF I DID THAT CRAP TO HER, 
AFTER SHE GAVE ME 8 HOURS OF HER TIME.... 
BECAUSE I WANTED EVEN MORE OF HER TIME
AND FKN ENERGY..... 
AND EXPECTED IT BECAUSE I WANTED IT.
AND PUT HER ON A GUILT TRIP ABOUT
NOT HAVING ENOUGH ENERGY FOR MORE, IN ONE DAY.... 

WITH NO REAL BREAK IN BETWEEN... 
I SLEPT, BUT THE NEXT DAY WE MET UP.

I CAN'T HAVE ANYONE BEING POSSESSIVE OR NEEDY WITH ME. 
MY SON NEEDS ME MORE THAN ANYONE. 

AND THEN SHE TRIES TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD. 
"THAT'S NOT A REAL FRIENDSHIP."

REAL FRIENDS WILL UNDERSTAND THAT A FRIEND
NEEDS REST AND SLEEP TO SHOW UP FOR THEIR KID.
THE VERY NEXT DAY.

AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP FOR EVERYONE ALL THE TIME?
SHOULD I TOLERATE IMPATIENCE?
AND PEOPLE BEING INCONSIDERATE?

I LET HER DOWN AND "HURT HER"
BY SAYING NO. 

BECAUSE IF I GOT ON THAT CALL WITH HER, 
SHE WOULD HAVE KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT
LIKE THE NIGHT BEFORE.

SHE SAID I WAS ASSUMING SHE WOULD, 
BUT SHE ALREADY DID!

IT'S NOT AN ASSUMPTION WHEN SHE PUSHED ME
TO MY LIMIT!

BUT SHE DOESN'T "DESERVE" TO BE TOLD NO!
I'M MEAN AND CRUEL FOR SAYING NO!

FOR SAYING: "I NEED REST TO SHOW UP FOR YOU
THE WAY YOU FKN WANTED ME TO ANYWAY."

IF YOU WANT ME TO BE SUPPORTIVE, 
LET ME FKN SLEEP! REST! PROCESS!
FCK THAT P*SSES ME OFF!

"YOU MADE ME BEG FOR 5 MINUTES!"
AFTER GIVING YOU 8 FKN HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!
MORE LIKE 10 FKN HOURS!

BECAUSE I HAD TO "DEFEND" MYSELF, YET AGAIN. 
FOR 2 FKN HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!

INSTEAD OF LETTING ME FKN SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT NO, LET'S BE DRAMATIC ABOUT IT.....
ABOUT ME BEING TIRED.
AND NOT AVAILABLE
WHEN YOU WANTED ME TO BE.

IF IT WAS AN EMERGENCY, FINE.
BUT IF IT IS SOMETHING THAT CAN WAIT....
WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"MY PAIN ISN'T SUPPOSED TO WAIT."

I HAVE FKN PAIN TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AM I BEGGING?
AM I ACCUSING ANYONE OF ARGUING?
WHEN THEY TELL ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN
THAT I NEEDED TO SLEEP?

I AM NOT CO-DEPENDENT.

"I CAN'T FORCE YOU."
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CAN'T. 

SO WHY GO FOR OVER AN HOUR ABOUT IT?
AND ACT LIKE THAT TO ME?

AFTER ACTUALLY BEING THERE?
AFTER ACTUALLY SHOWING UP?
MORE THAN ONCE?

BEING GENEROUS WITH MY TIME?

If you are too generous with your time....
THEY WILL TRY TO TAKE ANYTHING THEY "CAN."
WHEN YOU DON'T LET THEM... 
THEY ACT LIKE YOU "WRONGED" THEM.
BECAUSE THEY ARE ENTITLED TO WHAT THEY WANTED.

AM I ENTITLED TO SLEEP?
TO REST?
TO UNDERSTANDING?
APPRECIATION?
CONSIDERATION?
OR JUST FKN BS?

I DIDN'T MAKE IT EASY TO JUST TRAUMA DUMP ON ME
FOR A 3RD TIME TODAY. 

FIRST TIME, OKAY.
SECOND TIME, OKAY. 
AFTER SAYING GOOD NIGHT TO ME....
TELLING ME THEY WOULD LET ME REST.... 
AND THEN GETTING ANGRY AT ME.... 
FOR NOT TAKING A HUGE TRAUMA DUMP, AGAIN. 
FOR THE 3RD TIME. I AM TIRED!

BUT WHEN YOU LISTEN, THEY GET COMFORTABLE
AND THEY LIKE IT AND WANT IT ALL THE FKN TIME....
EVEN BLAMING YOU FOR BEING TOO TIRED
TO FKN PROCESS EVEN MORE CRAP.

GOT USED TO WHAT I WAS GIVING.... WANTING THAT....
AND NOT CARING WHAT I NEEDED.
WAS TO BE LEFT ALONE FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT
JUST TO FKN REST!

I AM NOT EASY TO "REPLACE."
SO IF YOU PUSH ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T "GET IT."
AND PUSH ME AWAY... 

I WILL WALK AWAY! I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE!
AND THEN "EVERYONE'S LIKE THIS!"

EVERYONE WALKS AWAY WHEN PUSHED TO THEIR LIMIT?
GEE, I WONDER WHY!

AND SHE WILL TELL WHOEVER ABOUT ME
AND THAT I SAID NO.
AND THAT SHE COULD NOT CONTROL ME. 

JUST LIKE I HEARD ALL ABOUT THOSE WHO WRONGED HER.
DID THINGS I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE, 
BUT, THAT IS HER SIDE. NOT THEIRS.

WHOEVER WANTS TO SAY FKN ANYTHING ABOUT ME, 
CAN FKN SAY WHATEVER ABOUT ME.

She had a sh*tty breakup. 
I understand those. I've had some. 
SHE HAS HAD ONE.

Hard to get over a relationship when it was your ONLY ONE.

SHE WILL TELL EVERYONE I WAS "BAD" FOR SAYING NO.
FOR BEING TOO TIRED TO PROCESS 3 HUGE TRAUMA DUMPS.
AFTER JUST MEETING HER.

AND THEN HAVING TO DEAL WITH IMMATURITY. 
MATURITY LOOKS LIKE:
"I HEAR YOU NEED TO REST. I WILL LET YOU."
INSTEAD OF FORCING ME TO TELL THEM 10 TIMES!
THEN TRYING TO GUILT TRIP ME!

WHY WOULD I MAKE EVERYTHING EASY?
"SURE! TRAUMA DUMP ON ME A BILLION TIMES!
I DON'T HAVE A LIFE OR NEED TO SLEEP!" DA FUQ?

THE IMMATURITY FKN P*SSED ME OFF.
REALLY FKN DID.

DO I GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE?
AFTER THIS SH*T?

TAKERS HAVE NO FKN LIMIT!
SHE WOULD HAVE TAKEN ALL MY TIME, ALL MY ENERGY
AND DRAINED ME. 
I NEED MATURITY AND BALANCE. 

FROM ANYONE WHO WILL EVEN BE NEAR ME.

IF I GAVE HER 5 MINUTES,
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LONGER THAN 5 MINUTES.
I KNOW THIS. 

AND THEN SHE CREATED A WHOLE NARRATIVE
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T GET WHAT SHE WANTED FROM ME
WHEN SHE WANTED IT.

AND I'M "AVOIDANT" AND WHATEVER ELSE
BECAUSE I SAID NO TO GETTING ON A CALL.
THAT I KNEW WOULD NOT BE 5 MINUTES.
AFTER I TOLD HER I WANTED TO GO TO BED EARLY. 
AFTER I TOLD HER I WAS TIRED.
AFTER I TOLD HER I WANTED UNDERSTANDING.
AFTER I TOLD HER SHE WAS THE ONE BEING FKN SELFISH.

Wanting to talk isn't doing something wrong. 
Having feelings isn't doing something wrong. 
Wanting someone to care isn't doing something wrong. 

I care, until people PUSH ME.

WHEN PEOPLE ARE BEING FKN UNFAIR TO ME.
IF YOU VICTIMIZE YOURSELF
BECAUSE YOU DRAIN ME
AND I NEED TO RESTOCK MY ENERGY....
AND YOU DON'T WANT TO LET ME....
ARE YOU THE VICTIM?