Boner For Intelligence

Today was refreshing for me. 
Do you know that feeling when you can just talk
about something? And it just flows nicely?
It was like that, with depth. 
That's what I like. A lot. 
Intelligence. 
Refreshing. 
It's just nice to be able to talk. 

And that feeling, I realized... 
Is a boner for intelligence. 

It's good to call that what it is.
So that it can only be what it is. 

I know what I want and what I don't. 
Been there. Done that too many times. 

It was just too funny to me that I had to write it:
"Boner for intelligence."

It's that I KNOW I don't want to "date" right now. 
It's not of interest. I'm writing a book. Don't have the time. 
Would be cool if I had someone to WRITE with, 
TALK with, and play BACKGAMMON with regularly, 
But apart from that, I'm good with where I'm at. 

Without thinking of "relationships" or whatever else. 
Of it, or about it... 
Besides, I'd rather have a non-traditional type of "relationship," if any.

Because the type of partnership I would want and require at this point
Isn't something I could go on a dating app and find. Y'know?

Sure, it's not hard to find someone who wants to screw around. 
And if that's all that I wanted, it wouldn't be hard to find. 

I could be out there, being a cougar lol,
because I still look younger than I am. 

When anyone sees me with my son, they seem shocked. He's 23.
They think I don't look old enough to be his mom, but I am. 

Just that when you get to have a conversation that is deeper
than all the surface-level bullshit, about society, about life, 
about the possibilities, potentials about the future... 

And it's been a while, and it was nice, just to have that... 
When that shouldn't have been too much to ask for. 
Ever. Just a stimulating convo. 

I like talking with people who think about things. 
Talking with them, it shows they think about things. 
And they can articulate the things they think about... 
And they listen. To listen. Not just to respond. 
But they do respond. Because they HEARD WHAT YOU SAID.
BECAUSE THEY WERE LISTENING. 
TO YOU. 

Those are the conversations that I like having.
And maybe I like having them a bit too much
that I get a "boner for intelligence." Hahaha. 

I know that it's about that, not about anyone. 
How could it be about anyone? Who do I even truly know anymore?
PEOPLE I THOUGHT I KNEW?
PEOPLE WHO LIED TO MY FACE?
So how could it be about anyone... 

I have acquaintances, sure, and I can happily leave it at that. 
I don't have to get too acquainted with anyone
And it's generally a good idea not to do that. 
I've been shown why so many times!

DO I NEED TO BE SHOWN AGAIN?!

But people are allowed to impress me if they want. 
With their intelligence. 
At the same time, I care more about impressing myself
than I care about anyone trying to impress me. 

Just was saying I don't care for any disappointments. 
From jerk... From anyone.

I'd be disappointing myself if I didn't work on my goals right now.
Because I put so much time and energy into things that went nowhere.
If I had been putting it into something else... 
Like I was doing before my last relationship... 
Where could I be right now?

I don't like being 42 and starting at zero, again, ffs. 

All for wanting something f*cking elusive ffs.
I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING OTHER THINGS
AND I WASTED MY OWN TIME BY NOT DOING THEM.
I DO NOT LIKE WASTING TIME.
YOU CAN'T GET IT BACK. 
IT'S GONE. 

I can't go back to my 20s or 30s. And have that time to do it. 
That time to do it has passed. 

I had 2 decades to work towards professional goals. 
BUT WHAT DID I DO?
ALL I WANTED WAS F*CKING RESPECT!
HAD I FOCUSED ON PROFESSIONAL GOALS...

Where would I be? Right now? Here? Starving?
With a bleak future on f*cking repeat month after month?

I've wanted better for myself than this for years and years. 
That's what I have some plans, but I can't sit on them. 
Not anymore.