I'd Be Upset About That

 If I were mirror smasher, I'd be p*ssed
THAT SHE WAS PLOTTING ON HIM
THE WHOLE DAMN TIME
TO SEPARATE HIM
FROM PEOPLE WHO CARED
AND ACTUALLY WANTED TO HELP
AND BE THERE, 
GENUINELY, TRULY. 

But IF he listened to me, he'd see what I was fkn saying. 
I wasn't saying it for no reason. 
I said it because I saw it. 

And when she went off on both of us for just talking ffs... 
THAT SHOULD HAVE SAID EVERYTHING
RIGHT THEN AND THERE. 

THAT SHE'D GO OFF ON HIM, TOO, NOT JUST ME. 
AND IT WASN'T UP TO HER
WHETHER WE HAD ANYTHING TO DO
WITH EACH OTHER. 

THAT WAS UP TO HIM, NOT HER. 

HE CAN'T BLAME HER FOR LOSING ME, 
BECAUSE IT WAS UP TO HIM, NOT HER.

HE COULD HAVE LISTENED
AND HEARD WHAT I WAS SAYING
AND CARED WHY I WAS SAYING IT... 

AND CHOSE NOT TO. 
SO IS IT HER FAULT? OR HIS?
FOR HIM CHOOSING NOT TO LISTEN?
His! So he can't blame her for HIS BS.

Can't blame me for his BS, either.
 
BUT WHEN SOMEONE TRIED DOING
ALL THEY COULD THINK OF DOING
TO TRY TO KEEP YOU AWAY FROM PEOPLE
WHO COULD HAVE ADDED TO YOUR LIFE,

NOT JUST ME, BUT OTHER PEOPLE, TOO... 
EVEN OUT OF JEALOUSY... 

I WOULD BE UPSET ABOUT IT. 

My ex did that sh*t. He didn't want me having friends. 
Didn't want me going out. 

I didn't have a life in that relationship. 

I wanted a life WITH him, but in general. 

He tried making me feel bad about wanting to go out, 
AND WANTING TO DO THINGS. 

AND THE TIMES I WANTED TO DO THINGS WITH HIM, 
HE DIDN'T. 

I WAS GIVEN TICKETS TO A BASEBALL GAME. 
TO RECEIVE AN AWARD THING AT THE GAME. 

HE ACTED LIKE IT WAS A HASSLE FOR HIM TO TAKE ME, 
AND WHEN WE WENT, I WANTED TO STAY FOR THE GAME, 
HE WANTED TO LEAVE, SO WE LEFT. 

NEVER MATTERED WHAT I WANTED, EVER.

Anyway, to do that sh*t to someone... 

KNOWING THEY WANT TO GO TO SOMETHING. 
THEN YOU TAKE THEM ONLY TO MAKE THEM LEAVE IT
BEFORE IT'S OVER. WTF.

LIKE IT WAS SUCH A FKN HASSLE TO JUST DO FOR THEM. 

DID I WANT HIM TO BUY THE TICKETS? NO!
I WAS GIVEN THE TICKETS!
I WANTED TO GO!
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST FKN BASEBALL GAME!
Y'KNOW?!

But does it ever matter what I want? Ever?! 

When I wanted very fkn little!
Just to go to the baseball game I was given tickets to!
And stay to watch the game after I got my award thing. 

It was a school award thing. I was still in high school.

It's just an EXAMPLE of a time that it didn't fkn matter
WHAT VERY LITTLE I WANTED.

WAS IT TOO MUCH TO WANT TO STAY TO WATCH A BASEBALL GAME
I WAS GIVEN TICKETS TO?
AFTER GETTING MY SCHOOL AWARD?

BUT WHO GAF HOW I FEEL? ABOUT ANYTHING?

But to be so controlling as to drive people out of someone's life... 
Intentionally... 

To try to do that... 
But to let someone so that... 
Whether they saw they were doing it or not... 

Shouldn't have been that hard to see... 

IT WAS RIGHT IN HIS FACE AND CATCHING HER
READING OUR CONVERSATION
WHEN SHE GAVE HERSELF AWAY... 

AND I TOLD HIM THE TIMES BOTH JEALOUS FEMALES
TRIED COMING AT ME... 

DIDN'T FKN LISTEN. DIDN'T FKN CARE. 

BUT IF HE WANTS TO PLAY GAMES
AND FKN BETRAY PEOPLE, 
HE CAN STAY TF AWAY FROM ME... 
AND GO DO THAT SH*T WITH HER AND WHOEVER ELSE.
NOT WITH ME. 
I DON'T DO THAT SH*T. 
I'M NOT OKAY OR DOWN WITH THAT SH*T.
DON'T HAVE THE TIME OR EVEN PATIENCE
FOR THAT SH*T. 

NOT ANYMORE.

But IF I were him, I'd be p*ssed being done like that... 

But I'd be the one letting them do me like that. 

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO. 

LIKE I AM THE ONE WHO GAVE HIM AS MANY CHANCES
AS HE RUINED... 

I COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO. 
TO ONLY GIVE HIM ONE CHANCE.

AND IF HE WANTED TO TAKE IT
AND MAKE WHAT HE COULD HAVE
OUT OF IT

DESPITE WHAT SHE WANTED HIM TO DO... 
LIKE STAYING STUCK UNDER HER "CONTROL" LOL
"CONFUSED" AND NOT "MOVING FORWARD"
AND JUST ACTING LIKE A SH*T
TO ANYONE WHO COULD EVEN HELP
OR WANTED TO... 

BUT THEY HAVE TO HELP THEMSELVES. 

I'M NOT HERE TO SAVE HIM FROM HER. 
OR EVEN HIS OWN BS. 

SHE'S THERE TO TAKE WHAT SHE CAN GET. 
I TOLD HIM, DIDN'T LISTEN. 

But let him realize he betrayed me FOR NOTHING. 
FOR NO REASON. 

HE CAN BE ANGRY ALL HE WANTS
FOR MISSING THE OPPORTUNITIES
I WAS WILLING TO GIVE HIM. 

BUT I CAN TAKE IT AWAY, TOO. 

ESPECIALLY TAKEN FOR GRANTED, LIKE THAT?
VERBALLY ABUSED, LIKE THAT?
INSULTED, LIKE THAT?

FOR SOMEONE WHO BETRAYED THEM?

BY PLOTTING THE WHOLE TIME?

You let go of someone genuine, real, 
WHO WANTED VERY FKN LITTLE... 

FOR SOMEONE WHO IS FAKE AND PLOTTING
BEHIND YOUR BACK, FOR YEARS... 
"THE LONG GAME"

THAT WOULD STING. IT SHOULD. 
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST FIND THAT
OR "GET" THAT EVERY DAY. 

BECAUSE IT'S RARE. 

But you let that go, they don't have to what?
THEY DON'T HAVE TO COME BACK

BECAUSE THEY NEVER HAD TO BE THERE
TO BEGIN WITH!

NEVER HAD TO CARE!
NEVER HAD TO TRY TO SHOW YOU!
NEVER HAD TO BE THERE AT ALL!

SO WHEN YOU PUSH THEM TO THEIR MAX, 
THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED
TO JUST FKN DROP YOU. 

AND YOU SHOULD REALIZE THAT THEY WILL.
AND IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO, 
TREAT THEM LIKE FKN GOLD. 

AT LEAST WITH BASIC RESPECT FFS.

WHY?! BECAUSE THEY NEVER
HAD TO FKN BE THERE AT ALL!

NEVER HAD TO EVEN WANT TO!
SO WHEN THEY DO AND ARE TRYING TO
FOR YOU.... 

FKN RESPECT THAT!
FKN CHERISH THAT!
FKN CARE ENOUGH NOT TO RUIN THAT!

BY LETTING OTHER PEOPLE RUIN IT... 

ALL BECAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS
AND WANT TO RUIN IT... 

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T HAVE THAT... 

OF COURSE THEY WOULD BE!

OF SOMETHING REAL?! OF COURSE THEY FKN WOULD BE. 

IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME
THAT PEOPLE WOULD GO AS FAR AS THEY DID TO RUIN IT. 

BUT HE HAS HIMSELF TO BLAME FOR HIS OWN CHOICES... 

But the point was that to do that to someone... 
FOR SELFISH FKN REASONS... 

SHOULD SAY SOMETHING. 

They both said enough about themselves. 

Just saying that if he SAW what she was doing and WHY
like I was telling him.... 

It says a lot about her. 

He expected me to go tit for tat with him. 
That's why he expected me to act out after he fkd me around. 

He was trying to "provoke" me to... 
BUT I NEVER HAD TO. 
JUST LIKE HE NEVER HAD TO. 

BUT IT'S TOO LATE TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
BECAUSE I'M NO LONGER AROUND FOR THAT SH*T.

THAT KIND OF EMPTINESS AND SHALLOWNESS, 
TO GO TIT FOR TAT.... FK THAT.

IF I WAS ABOUT THAT SH*T, 
WHAT WOULD I GET DONE? ANYTHING?

WOULD I BE "PROUD" OF MYSELF?
OR ASHAMED OF MYSELF... 

TO ACT LIKE EITHER OF THEM.... 
THAT SHOULD BE EMBARRASSING!
IT'S DISGUSTING. 

TO BE THAT SHALLOW!
TO BE THAT EMPTY!

I've found more depth in other people. 
I've found more depth in other things. 

THAT'S WHAT I WANT, IDEALLY. 
ENOUGH DEPTH TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT AND WHY. 

"I made a mistake." He said to me once... 
"YOU MADE A CHOICE."

I TOLD HIM TO HIS FACE!

A choice he has to live with now LOL!

But, yeah, I was in a fkd up relationship before... 
Was co-dependant. 

A lot of emotional abuse, though. 

I stayed because I thought he loved me. 
"I don't want to marry you."

Welp, that, to me, meant he didn't. 

AND YOU DO THAT TO SOMEONE
WHO ONLY WANTED THAT, AND A FAMILY, 
AND A FUTURE... 

SOMEONE WHO GAVE YOU A CHILD
YOU NEVER APPRECIATED.... EITHER... 

But I'm glad I didn't marry the guy... 
THAT'S HOW IT WAS JUST FKN DATING THE GUY!!!
IMAGINE IF WE HAD GOTTEN MARRIED?!
AND HE'D EXPECT ME TO LIVE THAT WAY!!!
AND FKN BE HAPPY WITH THAT SH*T!!!

I WASN'T, FOR A REASON, MANY. 

AND NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES
I TOLD THE GUY WHAT I NEEDED FROM HIM, 
HE'D DO THE OPPOSITE OF THAT. 

JUST TO BE A POS.
WHY ELSE DO THE OPPOSITE?
KNOWING WHAT VERY LITTLE
WAS WANTED AND WOULD HAVE
MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE
FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR US!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR THE OPPORTUNITY IT WAS!!!!!
FOR THE SAKE OF WHAT WAS RIGHT, EVEN!!!!!

But I have to do what is right for myself. 

PUTTING MY TIME, EFFORT, AND LIFE ON THE LINE... 
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?

Why depth is important to me is that it takes depth
TO REALIZE SOME THINGS... 

EVEN REALIZING THE THINGS I SAID WERE TRUE. 
EVEN REALIZING WHY I SAID IT... 

EVEN REALIZING IT'S TOO LATE FOR "I'M SORRY."
BECAUSE WHY WOULD IT MEAN FK ALL TO ME, NOW?
WASN'T THERE "ENOUGH" TIME TO REALIZE ANYTHING?

AND A CONVERSATION THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED, 
A MATURE CONVERSATION
LIKE A MATURE ADULT, 

THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN... 
NOT ON MY PART... I WANTED THAT. JUST THAT.

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD HAVE RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER
SHOULD LISTEN TO EACH OTHER
MAKING IT EASY TO TALK TO EACH OTHER. 
JUST THAT. 

AND WHEN THEY CAN, ACTUALLY TALK TO EACH OTHER... 

BECAUSE THE OTHER PERSON CARES TO LISTEN... 
"WHY ARE YOU UPSET? LET'S TALK ABOUT IT."
"I CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL."
"BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU."
"I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM."

AND HERE'S THE THING... 
I'M COMING FROM WHERE THEY WOULD BE COMING FROM
IF THEY WERE ME!!!!!!

GET IT?! THAT SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO UNDERSTAND!

But the point was that she wanted to see me "rejected" and "hurt"
THAT'S WHY SHE COULDN'T WAIT TO TRY TO COME AT ME
AND DID IT MORE THAN A FEW TIMES. 

AND THE TIME SHE DID IT IN FRONT OF HIM, 
AND THREATENED HIM, TOO, 
SHOULD HAVE SAID ENOUGH. 

And pointing that out and still being "ignored" is just fkn ignorant. 
WHAT WOULD BE APPEALING, TO ME, 
ABOUT IGNORANT?

Like he ignored my warnings at his own risk. 

I'm not the one to be like "I told you so."
BUT I FKN TOLD HIM SO,
EVEN TO HIS FACE. 

BUT HE WANTED TO GO THE ROUTE HE CHOSE. 
WHICH HE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT TWICE ABOUT
AT LEAST I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE
WOULD HAVE
IF HE WAS ACTUALLY READY
TO MAKE A CHANGE IN HIS LIFE, 

FOR HIMSELF. 

IDGAF WHAT HE THINKS HE COULD DO FOR ME. 
HE HAD HIS CHANCES AND BLEW THEM ALL
INTO THE STRATOSPHERE... 

It's his life, what he doesn't "see" coming, 
can still catch up. 

Nothing about her is "attractive" to me. 

I know myself, enough by now, to know
THAT I AM BETTER OFF!
ON MY OWN!
ON MY OWN PATH!
WITHOUT ANYONE'S SH*T!

SO I DON'T FEEL LIKE I MISSED OUT ON ANYTHING. 
I DON'T FEEL LIKE I DON'T "BELONG"
"BELONG" TO WHAT? THAT SH*T?

IMAGINE LYING TO AND BETRAYING SOMEONE
WHO HAD GOOD INTENTIONS... 
FOR YOU....

When I look back on the opportunities people missed... 
But I look at the opportunities that I missed
that I could have been giving to myself... 

That I'm giving to myself, now, 
because there's nobody there who doesn't want me to... 

Nobody around trying to control me.
Trying to hold me back, in any way... 
But to intentionally hold someone back... 

OR BREAKING MY FAMILY HEIRLOOMS
INTENTIONALLY... 

DISREGARDING AND DISRESPECTING ME...

AND TO DO IT FOR YOUR OWN GREEDY GAIN... 
SELFISHNESS... 

OR PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD... 

OR ATTACKING MY CHARACTER AFTER THE FACT
FOR ME JUST SAYING HOW I FKN FEEL FFS.

BECAUSE IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW I FELT.

ABOUT BEING HEARD. UNDERSTOOD.
CARED ABOUT. RESPECTED.
ENOUGH NOT TO DO XYZ.

JUST THAT.

SHOULD HAVE MATTERED, BUT IT DIDN'T. 
SO WHY SHOULD IT MATTER NOW?

SO "SORRY" SHOULD MEAN SOMETHING TO ME?!
WHEN JUST NOT DOING XYZ
WOULD HAVE MATTERED SO MUCH MORE
THAN "I'M SORRY, A***!"

"SORRY" FOR WHAT, THOUGH?
DOING XYZ WHEN YOU NEVER NEEDED TO?
AND COULD HAVE CHOSEN JUST TO NOT TO?
AS INTENTIONALLY AS YOU CHOSE TO?

BUT HAD YOU LISTENED, COULD HAVE SAVED US
BOTH THE TIME WASTED, ETC. 

"SORRY" IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN WHAT TO ME?

IT MEANS YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE
NOT TO XYZ.

AND YOU NOT CHOOSING NOT TO XYZ
IS CHOOSING NOT TO CHOOSE NOT TO XYZ.

SO HOW IS THAT ANYONE'S FAULT BUT YOURS?
HOW?

IT'S NOT. PUTTING THAT ON ANYONE
OTHER THAN YOURSELF
WHERE IT FKN BELONGS
IS BS.

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE USED THE FACT
THAT MY EX PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD
TO FKN HURT HIM. 

"I DID IT BECAUSE HE HIT ME."
I COULD HAVE.

BUT DID I? NO!

Like he used me TRYING TO MAKE HIM
LET GO OF MY FKN WRISTS
AS A "REASON" TO PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD.

YES, LIKE I'D EXPECT HIM TO DO
HAD I GRABBED HIM BY THE WRISTS.

HE LET GO OF ONE WRIST TO PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD.

But even saying how I felt about that, which I should be allowed to do
regardless of how he feels about me saying how I feel about it,

was used as a "reason" to attack my character. On my blog, even. 
MY blog where, yeah, I kind of write about how I feel about some things. 

Because some things, that people don't WANT TO HEAR
OUGHT TO BE SAID, ANYWAY. 

ESPECIALLY IF IT IS TRUE. 
MEANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD. 
FOR WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS. 

NOT SOME BS IT WAS MADE INTO. 
BY ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE THE FACT
THAT I TELL THE TRUTH. 

IT GOT TO THE POINT, THE EVEN WRITING ABOUT SOME THINGS
SEEMS POINTLESS.

EVEN SH*T PEOPLE SHOULD THINK ABOUT
LONG ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY GET WHAT I'M SAYING
AND HAVE BEEN SAYING, 
AND WHY I EVEN BOTHERED TO SAY IT!

It's just that there are only so many ways I could say one thing, 
TO TRY TO GET PEOPLE WHO DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND
TO UNDERSTAND. 

IF THEY CARED TO UNDERSTAND, THEY'D ACT LIKE IT!
AND IF THEY DON'T ACT LIKE THEY UNDERSTAND, 
THEY LIKELY DON'T!

But blogging... I'm not expecting to "change the world."
Or anyone's minds. I've been tired of even TRYING TO SPEAK MY MIND
TO PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO OBLIVIOUS TO LISTEN. 

LIKE WHY SHOULD I GAF? TRY TO "GET THROUGH"
TO PEOPLE WHO THINK AND ACT LIKE THAT?

SHALLOW PEOPLE HAVEN'T THE DEPTH TO UNDERSTAND, I GUESS.

AND IS IT MY JOB TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND?
HAS IT EVER BEEN MY JOB?

Who am I "expecting" to "reach" and "wake up"? lol

THEY HAVE TO WANT TO BE "REACHED"
OR "WOKEN UP."

THEY HAVE TO REALIZE SOME VERY SIMPLE TRUTHS
AND BE WILLING TO REALIZE IT. 

IF THEY AREN'T? I'D BE WASTING MY TIME, TRYING.