Sore Throat

Woke up with a sore throat today.
I was supposed to go to a knitting meeting today.

I don't want to get anyone else sick. 

Yesterday, last night... 

I went over to Chinatown... 
Practically next door to me...

I used to live there.
Was my first place, on my own. 

A room in a sh*tty rooming house.
But it wasn't a sh*tty group home
with staff who could "restrain" you
whenever they wanted to.
Excused to. "My job."

What kind of bullsh*t is that?
Held down against your will... 
By an adult bigger than you.
No chance to "free yourself"
from their grasp...
For however long they did it for.

You couldn't tell them to STOP, 
GET OFF OF ME
LEAVE ME ALONE.
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T.

WHO WOULD WANT TO BE THERE?
AND HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT SH*T?

OF COURSE THEY'D GO AWOL.
BECAUSE FK THAT SH*T.

Anyway, it was "freedom" to me. 
Finally, never to be stuck in one of those again... 

But I got with the wrong guy. 
Probably for the wrong reasons, too. 

I was young, wanted what I wanted... 
Wasn't thinking of what could happen... 

And he wasn't who I thought he was. 

I can't get mad at myself for that, though. 
I had to learn. About that, too. 

But had I gotten with Mirror Smasher....
HOW WOULD I HAVE BEEN HAPPY?
HE WASN'T WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS, EITHER. 

HAD TO LEARN ABOUT THAT, TOO.

COULD NEVER TELL THE TRUTH. 
WANTED TO WASTE MY TIME, AND HIS...
WANTED TO TEST ME. 

HE HAD TO LEARN ABOUT THAT.

AND I DON'T CARE IF HE NEVER DOES. 

HOPE HE REALIZES WHAT HUMILITY 
ACTUALLY MEANS ONE DAY....

IT'LL TAKE A LONG TIME, PROBABLY. 
IF IT EVER HAPPENS, 

BUT WHEN/IF IT DOES....

IT'LL BE A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW. 

I wouldn't want to be in that spot....
Realizing what he sabotaged...
Why I no longer have any respect for him. 

HOW COULD I RESPECT THAT SH*T?

SHOULD BE FKN EMBARRASSING. 
AFTER BEING GIVEN THAT MANY CHANCES
JUST TO FKN GET IT RIGHT. 

AND STILL CHOOSING TO BE A SH*T.

DENIAL. DISRESPECT. BS.

HE KNOWS I'M TELLING THE TRUTH. 
HE JUST NEVER WANTED TO DEAL WITH IT.
HE CAN'T FACE THE ISSUES HE CAUSES.

HE WANTED TO TAKE THOSE RISKS.
AND WANTED TO TRY TO KEEP ME AROUND?
FOR WHAT? FOR THAT SH*T?
REPEATEDLY?

IF HE'D BEEN READY, THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL.
BETWEEN HIM AND I.

BUT THEY AREN'T GOING TO BE, NOW. 
AND HE HAS TO "DEAL WITH THAT."

HE CHOSE WHAT HE CHOSE, CORRECT?

So... I have choices, too. 

He's about himself and his inflated ego.
Such a turn off. 

Addicted to slamming the door in his own face.

And wouldn't you be tired... 
If you opened the door more than a few times... 

EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER HAD TO...
TO GIVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE... 
YET AGAIN...

FOR THEM TO TURN AROUND
AND LASH OUT AT YOU, 
YET AGAIN. 

AND WHEN THEY DO THAT, 
ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE... 

AND YOU WALK AWAY
BECAUSE OF THAT
ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE...

THEY GET MAD AND RESENTFUL
AT/OF YOU
FOR WALKING AWAY
WHEN THEY GAVE YOU MORE THAN 1 REASON TO...

SO THEN SHOULD THEY GET TO BE MAD?
SURE, BE MAD.

DIDN'T WANT ME
BECAUSE IF THEY DID...
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A SH*T.
A SPITEFUL SH*T...

FOR WHAT? 

So what does it matter
THAT I WALKED AWAY?

WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD THAT MAKE
TO SOMEONE WHO CLEARLY
NEVER WANTED ME
OR THEY WOULD HAVE WHAT?
TREATED ME WITH RESPECT?
WITH CARE?

IT HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIS CHARACTER.
THERE'S NO PROGRESS
BECAUSE HE'S NOT MAKING ANY. 

IT WAS UP TO HIM. 
BELIEVING HIS OWN LIES.
FEEDING HIMSELF AND EVERYONE HIS BS.

HE WANTS TO BE A SH*T... HE CAN GO BE ONE.
WITH/TO SOMEONE ELSE.
NOT MY PROBLEM. 

SO WHY SHOULD I CARE, ANYMORE?

"Why do you keep writing about it, A***?"

It's that if I were him,
I would probably REGRET ALL OF THAT.

ALL THAT BS WOULD FKN HAUNT TF OUT OF ME,
IF I WERE HIM. 

He'll be looking back, one day... At how he treated me.

SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT HIM
SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY TRIED TO HELP HIM.

BUT HE TRIES TO JUSTIFY SH*T, BLAME, 
PRETENDING TO "FORGET" SH*T HE DID...

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO
ACTUALLY FACE SOMETHING, FOR REAL. 

HE NEEDS TO FACE HIMSELF. 

TO REALIZE HE'S BEEN CHOOSING THIS SH*T.
TO REALIZE I AM FOR REAL.

If he does, that's going to hurt. 
REALIZING HE FKD HIMSELF OUT OF SOMETHING REAL.

NOTHING'S THE WAY IT WAS, NOW.
WHY SHOULD IT BE?

WHY SHOULD I BE?

I ALSO DON'T TAKE THREATS LIGHTLY. 
IF THEY WANT TO MAKE THREATS, 
THEY BETTER FKN TRY.

TO SEE THEY WON'T. 

But if he wanted all that BS... And it all meant that much... 
HE CAN HAVE ALL OF IT.

He just won't have me, anymore. 
HE COULD HAVE... 

BUT HE DIDN'T THINK TWICE, DID HE?

He was free to make that choice, though. 

He could have taken any of the chances given... 
But, nope!

SO WHY GIVE ANY MORE?
SHOULD HAVE ONLY BEEN ONE!

ONLY ONE CHANCE TO DISMISS ME.

AND I SHOULD HAVE ACCEPTED THAT
AND FORCED HIM TO ACCEPT THAT
THE VERY FKN FIRST TIME.

INSTEAD OF WASTING MY TIME
HANDING OUT WASTED CHANCES.

I had to learn about giving chances.
I had to learn about wasting my time.
I had to learn about my limits.
I had to walk away.

It was either walk away or deal with that sh*t.
Why deal with that sh*t?
He needs to deal with his own sh*t.
AND HER SH*T.

BECAUSE SHE'S AS MUCH OF A SH*T
OR WORSE THAN HE IS.

HE CAN HAVE ALL OF THAT.

HE'S BITTER BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT HE CHOSE.
BECAUSE HE WAS BEING FKN IMMATURE. 

BOTH OF THEM. A PAIR.

NO, THANKS.

And yes, I'm getting over it. 

He wanted to push me to the point
that I'm as empty as he is, 

but the fact that he went that route at all... In the first place... 
Just... No.

AND HE'D EVEN GO AS FAR AS TO TRY TO OFFEND ME
BY GETTING WITH SOMEONE
TO "SPITE" ME
AND "PROVE" TO HIMSELF HE NEVER CARED
ABOUT ME... 

AND IF HE'D GO THAT FAR, HE DID. 

Someone who's ready, is ready for me. 
He's not. 
Wasn't and isn't. 

And when he realizes it, it'll hit "different."

AND WHEN HE REALIZES I DON'T FKN WANT HIM
THE WAY I USED TO, 

THAT'LL HIT "DIFFERENT" TOO. 

BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE HAD THAT.
WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE.

THE MANY CHANCES, EVEN.

AND WHEN HE REALIZES HE LET EVERYONE
WHO WAS HELPING HIM HOLD HIMSELF BACK
TO HELP HIM HOLD HIMSELF BACK, 

HE'LL HAVE THAT, TOO. 
AND I'LL BE LONG GONE. TOO FAR AWAY
TO EVER THINK ABOUT APPROACHING
AFTER ALL OF HIS BS.

If he ever does try to "come back"
with another fake apology... 

BECAUSE IF HE WAS SORRY THE FIRST TIME
HE WOULDN'T HAVE KEPT CHOOSING TO BE A SH*T.

IF HE TRIED TO COME BACK... 
I DON'T HAVE TO LAUGH IN HIS FACE... 

BUT I CAN FLAT OUT JUST SAY "NO."
AND HE'LL HAVE TO LEARN
THE HARD WAY 
HE CAN'T GET "WHAT HE WANTS."

DID I GET WHAT I WANTED?
AND ALL I WANTED WAS RESPECT?
TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY?

TO BE CARED FOR?
TO BE CARED ABOUT?

OH SO MUCH TO FKN WANT!!!!!

But let everyone who was using him KEEP DOING IT.
I TOLD HIM, BUT WHAT SHOULD I CARE?
IF HE LETS ANYONE EXPLOIT HIM?
WHILE NOT CARING ABOUT HIM?
ONLY CARING ABOUT WHAT THEY CAN GET?

WHAT SHOULD I CARE ABOUT THAT?

I DID. BUT HE LETS THEM. 

It wasn't about what I could get. 
BECAUSE I DIDN'T FKN WANT ANYTHING. 

AND I THOUGHT THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
APPRECIATED.

ME NOT WANTING ANYTHING. 
NOT TRYING TO GET ANYTHING. 
JUST BEING MYSELF. 
NO PRETENSES. 
NO MOTIVE. 

But... I got what I got. 
AND BECAUSE OF THAT SH*T, REPEATEDLY, 
BECAUSE I GAVE HIM MORE THAN ONE CHANCE
TO STOP WITH THE SH*T...
NO MORE SH*T. 

DON'T COME TO/AT ME WITH ANY MORE SH*T.
DON'T COME TO/AT ME WITH ANY SH*T, PERIOD. 

AND ANYONE TRYING TO "CONTROL" A SITUATION
WITH BS... 

IT SHOWS WHAT THEY'RE ABOUT. 

WHAT THEY'VE BEEN ABOUT. 

NOT FOR ME. NOT INTERESTED IN THAT SH*T. 
SO YOU CAN'T "CONTROL"
SOMEONE WHO'S NOT INTERESTED. 

With lies and BS? How is that supposed to interest me?

What bugs me is there were reasons people who played games with me
WERE PLAYING THOSE GAMES. 

Not just that there were reasons... The reasons themselves. 

To do that to someone?! Why do it?
To try to "get away with it"? WTF?!

AND WANTING ME TO PLAY THOSE GAMES?
WTF?!

So... No. Just no.

Not going to. I don't do that sh*t. 
AND IF THEY KNEW ME, THEY'D KNOW THAT.

THEY WANTED TO ACT LIKE THAT.
OR WHAT?
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE!

WHEN I CHOSE TO BE A SH*T, 
I WAS CHOOSING TO BE A SH*T.

SAME GOES FOR EVERYONE. 
WE HAVE A CHOICE IN THAT.

Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep.