The guy who slammed his dog... I thought he'd be gone.
FOR THAT. He wasn't.
A few days later, he was back.
He assaulted his girlfriend.
I would have broke tf up with him
after he attacked the dog.
It would have been a matter of time
BEFORE HE HURT SOMEONE.
AND HE DID.
SO HE'S NOW NOT ALLOWED BACK.
He slammed her against the balcony door.
Cracked her skull.
She had to get stitches across the top of her head.
AND HURTING THE DOG
WASN'T ENOUGH OF A REASON?
She said he's in custody until they can get him
into the mental hospital
because supposedly he was on drugs...
He even tried slicing a couple of her fingers
with a saw ffs.
WHY THE F*CK DID SHE STAY WITH THE GUY
AFTER WHAT HE DID TO THE DOG?
HE WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE.
I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO THE GUY
WHEN WE WERE IN THE ELEVATOR TOGETHER...
AFTER WHAT HE DID?!
AND THEN ATTACKS HER?
CRACKING HER SKULL?
WTF?!
I JUST DIDN'T AND STILL DON'T
WANT TO BE ANYWHERE AROUND THE GUY.
A few times before the dog incident, he kind of weirded me out.
Like when he offered me a free joint after I'd already smoked one...
I declined and he kinda got mad about it.
MAYBE I HAVE A RIGHT TO DECLINE?
IF I WANT TO?
JUST GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE!
Anyway, I went on a free group.
A lady was looking for help for her garden.
She had someone come in the morning, today.
I was supposed to come in the afternoon.
I got a message from her saying that "something came up."
It was because I was going to call her at 2pm.
To try to get there around 4pm.
She made other plans. Oh well.
That sh*t bugs me, though.
WHEN I CARVE OUT TIME IN MY DAY
TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE
FOR FKN FREE....
AND THEY TURN AROUND AND DO THAT SH*T.
She can easily find someone else and I don't have a problem with it.
Just don't go making plans with me
AND BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HEAR FROM ME
RIGHT AWAY
BECAUSE I TOLD YOU THE DAY BEFORE
THAT I WAS GOING TO BE BUSY
AND STILL CARVED OUT SOME TIME,
JUST FOR HER...
JUST DON'T FKN BOTHER, THEN. OKAY?
I DON'T OWE HER MY TIME.
THERE'S NOTHING IN IT FOR ME.
BUT THAT WASN'T THE POINT.
YOU ASK FOR FREE FKN HELP
AND SOMEONE OFFERS TO HELP YOU...
THEN DO THAT?!
"I DIDN'T HEAR FROM YOU. SOMETHING CAME UP."
DA FUQ IT DID.
YOU GOT PISSY THAT YOU DIDN'T HEAR FROM ME
AND MADE OTHER PLANS.
AND IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE THAT,
YOU DON'T NEED MY HELP.
I DON'T NEED THAT SH*T.
And I was going to have lunch with my son,
but he wanted to go "home" early.
So I didn't even have any lunch.
Maybe today's just a good day to spend by myself.
BEEN HELPING PEOPLE
WHO DON'T APPRECIATE
THAT I MADE THE TIME FOR THEM.
MAKES ME THINK TWICE ABOUT OFFERING TO HELP
ANYONE ANYMORE.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED WITH MIRROR SMASHER...
I WAS TRYING TO HELP HIM GET CLEAN...
BUT HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO
WITH HIS HEAD UP HER @SS?
Feels like all I do is waste my fkn time on people.
I do feel bad the guy attacked her,
BUT WHAT PART OF WHAT HE DID TO THAT DOG
DID SHE NOT FKN UNDERSTAND?
AND THE POLICE?
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A CHARGE.
ANIMAL @B*SE.
CRUELTY TO AN ANIMAL.
YOU THINK SOMEONE
WHO "COULD EVEN DO THAT" TO A DOG
WOULDN'T FKN DO THAT TO A PERSON?
At least the fkr is gone, now.
He should have been gone a long time ago.
BUT WHAT?! COPS IN O-TOWN
DON'T SEEM TO TAKE SH*T SERIOUSLY.
That chick I was helping... And was still going to help
WHO NEVER FKN LISTENED TO ME
AND GETS MAD WHEN SHE DOESN'T GET
WHAT SHE WANTS...
SHE WAS LITERALLY TRYING TO CONTROL ME...
Anyway, her daughter died.
She didn't talk to me for like 2 years,
and then told me her daughter died...
So I went to spend some time with her...
I stayed at her place for a week
so she wouldn't be alone "in her grief"...
I let her cut it off.
Even after I was there for her...
She was planning a trip to be out of town
on her daughter's birthday...
She asked me to watch her cats while she was away.
So I spent a week at her place,
and was going to take care of her cats...
AND INSTEAD OF FKN LISTENING TO ME
LIKE THE FKN LAST TIME...
SHE DID HER BS. I LEFT.
AND I TRIED TELLING HER, AFTER THAT.
WHAT THE FK MY PROBLEM WAS...
THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM.
IT'S HER "NEED FOR CONTROL."
So pretty much the last actual message from her
was telling me she wanted her keys back
and had someone else to watch her cats...
So last time I saw her, I was giving her keys back.
I tried leaving it at that.
"I still want to be friends..." No. She wants to see
if she can use me some more.
She has been sending me some links to stuff.
Doesn't say hi. Doesn't ask "how are you doing?"
NOTHING BUT A LINK.
IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK TO ME...
WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?
SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME TO LEAVE
THEN GOT MAD THAT I WAS LEAVING!
DA FUQ?!
"YOU JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HIGH AND DRY?"
AFTER TELLING ME TO "JUST GO!"
I SPENT A FKN WEEK OF MY LIFE
BEING THERE FOR HER.
EVERY FKN DAY,
WITH ZERO TIME FOR MYSELF.
AND I WAS GOING TO WATCH HER CATS
BECAUSE SHE HAD ASKED ME TO
AND THEN ASKED SOMEONE ELSE, I GUESS.
SURE, SHE'S ALLOWED TO DO THAT
AND WANT HER KEYS BACK. HER KEYS, NOT MINE.
BUT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?
AND THEN ALL SHE DOES IS SEND LINKS TO ME?
WHY FKN BOTHER?
SO I DON'T REPLY TO THEM.
I'VE STOPPED CARING WHAT SHE THINKS.
I'M NOT HERE TO BE FKN "CONTROLLED"
BY FKN ANYONE.
TOLD ME TO LEAVE AND THEN TRIED TO FKN GUILT TRIP ME
ABOUT FKN LEAVING!!!!
NO "THANKS FOR BEING THERE FOR ME."
FKN NOTHING.
NOTHING BUT PERIODIC LINKS.
SHE SENT ONE TODAY. It popped up when I was on there.
She knows I saw it. It marks it as "seen" or whatever.
BUT UNTIL SHE ACTUALLY SAYS ANYTHING TO ME...
I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY THAT FKN GAME.
She's an adult and can act like she is
if she wants anything to do with me.
If she can't, then... Why should I go out of MY way?
IS SHE GOING OUT OF HERS?
TO WHAT? SEND ME LINKS?
NO FKN APOLOGIES EVER
FROM ANYONE WHO ISN'T EVER FKN WRONG
TO TREAT ME THE WAY THEY DID.
AND ME NOT WANTING A PART OF THAT....
BUT THEY'LL STILL BLAME ME FOR THAT, TOO.
But the point is... I DROPPED EVERYTHING GOING ON
IN MY LIFE, AT THAT TIME,
TO SPEND WITH HER.
TO BE THERE FOR HER.
AND FOR HER NOT TO FKN RECOGNIZE THAT...
FOR WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS...
ALMOST AS BAD AS MIRROR SMASHER
NOT RECOGNIZING THAT...
FOR WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS...
LIKE NOBODY RECOGNIZING THAT...
FOR WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS...
NO MATTER WHAT THE FAVOR WAS THAT I DID.
FOR FKN ANYONE...
ALL THEY WANTED WAS THE FAVORS. OKAY?
AND TO TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T FKN KNOW THAT
AND SEE IT ALL THE DAMN TIME
IS FKN INSULTING.
IT'D BE NICE IF THERE WAS SOMEONE
WHO WANTED NOTHING FROM ME.
JUST CHILL, ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.
NOT FKN USING ME OR TRYING TO...
NOT TRYING TO "CONTROL" ME...
NOT TAKING ME FOR GRANTED...
Y'KNOW? A REAL FRIEND?!
SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY FKN CARES
ABOUT HOW I WOULD FKN FEEL...
WHO REALIZES HOW IT'D FKN FEEL FOR THEM
IF I DID THAT SH*T TO THEM...
AND DOESN'T WANT TO DO THAT SH*T TO ME, EVER.
Imagine if I only sent her links? Didn't say anything?
That's why I'm not saying anything.
If she has something to fkn say, she should say it.
BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO BE AROUND FOREVER FFS.
WHEN PUSHED AWAY, I STAY AWAY.
FOR MYSELF.
I GAVE SO MANY PEOPLE MORE CHANCES
THAN THEY FKN DESERVED. OKAY?
AND HAD THAT BEEN ME... DOING THAT...
ACTING LIKE THAT...
WHO'D WANT TO BE AROUND ME?
WHO'D WANT TO TALK TO ME?
ANYONE?
AND IF THEY DIDN'T, THERE'D BE A REASON FOR IT!!!
What bugs me, though, the people I was there for...
EVEN AFTER THE FIRST FKN TIME
THEY PUSHED ME AWAY...
HAD NO INTENT ON BEING THERE FOR ME.
AND IF THEY EVER WERE, THAT WAS FOR SHOW ONLY.
You want to know why I know it was for show only?
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED TO
TRY TO TAKE ME FOR WHATEVER THEY COULD GET.
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FKN SELFISH AND GREEDY.
THEY WOULD HAVE JUST FKN LISTENED TO ME.
AND FKN HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME.
AND CARED ABOUT WHAT I HAD TO SAY.
INSTEAD OF BEING EVEN WORSE
WHEN THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED...
YOU SEE ME GETTING WHAT I WANT? FKN EVER?
I'm so used to not getting what I want
that there's no point in being mad about it...
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BE AROUND ANYONE
WHO NEVER APPRECIATED ANYTHING
I EVER DID FOR THEM
OR WHY I WAS EVEN DOING IT...
I DON'T HAVE TO BE!
AND I DON'T WANT TO BE!
I'd rather be by myself.
JUST THAT WHEN IT EVER CAME DOWN TO
SOMETHING I WANTED...
IT WAS A BIG "FK YOU A***!"
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?!"
ALL KINDS OF FKN BS.
CHILDISH BS.
SENDING LINKS AND NOT SAYING ANYTHING...
MIND GAMES MUCH?
SHE JUST WANTS TO SEE
IF SHE HAS THE POWER TO GET ME TO "REPLY."
REPLY TO WHAT? A LINK?
She didn't talk to me for 2 fkn years... Y'know?
AND HAS SHE SPOKEN TO ME AFTER SHE GOT HER KEYS?
BARELY. HARDLY. AT ALL...
She wanted my sympathy and attention.
It bugs me that she made it about her "suffering."
Sure, grief's fkd up.
Especially when your child accidentally overd0ses...
And died as a result... At only 20 years old...
THAT'S WHY I WAS THERE FOR HER.
She had other people there for her, though.
Someone else she asked to watch her cats for her...
AFTER SHE'D ASKED ME.
SO THEN WHY ASK ME?
TO JUST GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE?
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT... BY A SO-CALLED FRIEND...
FUNNY HOW WHEN I STOPPED BUYING HER STUFF
SHE DIDN'T SEE THE NEED TO EVEN SAY HELLO
FOR 2 YEARS... AND NOW?
I literally asked her to stop asking me to buy her stuff.
IF I FELT LIKE DOING IT, I WOULD,
BUT I WANTED IT TO BE A CHOICE.
NOT BECAUSE SHE WANTED ME TO.
SHE'D GET MAD AT ME IF I DIDN'T WANT TO LOAN HER MONEY...
DID I EVER ASK HER FOR MONEY? NO?
1) I DON'T DO THAT SH*T.
2) I DON'T ONLY HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY.
3) I'D RATHER BE BROKE AF WITH AND AROUND PEOPLE WHO SEE ME.
4) I'D RATHER BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ANYTHING.
What more could I ask from someone? Other than their time?
AND I KNOW THEY COULD BE DOING
A BILLION OTHER THINGS
THAN SPENDING IT WITH ME...
LIKE I COULD BE DOING
A BILLION OTHER THINGS
THAN SPENDING IT WITH THEM...
THAN GOING OUT OF MY WAY
FOR THEM...
THAN DOING ANYONE ANY TYPE OF
COURTESY.
ARE THEY DOING ME ANY COURTESY?
MIRROR SMASHER COULD HAVE JUST FKD OFF
WITHOUT SMASHING MY FAMILY HEIRLOOM. RIGHT?
BUT WHY DO ME ANY FAVORS?
THAT'S WHY AFTER DOING SO FKN MANY,
I DON'T FKN WANT TO ANYMORE.
I'M NOT SOMEONE'S BANK.
OR STORE. OR MAID. OR FKN ANYTHING.
Just bugs me that even after doing all I've done for people...
THEY MISS THE THINGS I DID FOR THEM
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CAN'T FIND ANYONE
WHO'D DO ANYTHING FOR THEM...
THEY TRY TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO USE
AND DISCARD... LIKE THEY DID TO ME...
AND END UP ALONE
BECAUSE WHO TF WANTS THAT SH*T?!
YET I'M TO BLAME
FOR NOT WANTING THAT.
That's what they miss.
ME BEING THERE.
WHAT I USED TO DO.
FOR THEM.
WHEN THERE WASN'T ANYONE ELSE...
BUT AS SOON AS SOMEONE ELSE
SHOWS SIGNS THAT THEY CAN BE USED...
HOW FAST THEY GO OVER THERE... !!!!
AND THEY CAN STAY THERE!!!
WHY SPIN THE BLOCK?
OH? BECAUSE I WAS SINCERE?
I WAS HELPING BECAUSE I WANTED TO?
I ACTUALLY CARED AT ONE POINT?
BUT DID THEY SEE THAT WHEN I WAS AROUND?
OR ONLY AFTER?
If I'm ever "missed" it's not ME they miss.
BECAUSE THEY NEVER KNEW ME!!!!
TOO BUSY BEING FKN SELFISH
TO FKN KNOW ME!!!!
"A*** used to do xyz for me..."
Yeah, I USED TO.
Why don't I anymore?
When Iron Heart stopped talking to me...
I hadn't even fkn done anything to him...
He just upped and disappeared for a while.
Didn't think I'd ever get to talk to him, again...
And you know what he said?
"I missed our talks." Our talks!!!!
THE WHOLE FKN TIME.... I MISSED HIM!!!!
AND ALL I COULD FKN DO
WAS JUST WISH HIM WELL...
PRETTY MUCH ALL I CAN DO, NOW, TOO.
WHICH I DO.
I DO WISH HIM WELL.
IF HE EVER DECIDED TO DROP HIS EGO
AND TALK TO ME AGAIN, I'D LISTEN.
TRUST.... THAT'S ANOTHER THING.
BOUNCING ON ME TWICE?
BUT NICE TO KNOW HE MISSED OUR TALKS, THOUGH.
HE WAS THE ONE I TOLD MY DEEPEST SH*T TO.
THE ONE I USED TO WAKE UP THINKING ABOUT...
WITH A FKN SMILE ON MY FACE.
AND NOW? A MEMORY.
A LESSON.
BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO FKN TRUST ANY OF THEM.
Why did I? Honestly, because I wanted to.
I wanted to be ABLE to fkn TRUST them. Okay?
The people I had in my life, I should have been ABLE to trust....
WHO I REALLY WANTED TO BE ABLE TO TRUST...
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO
ACTUALLY TRUST THEM...
DOESN'T FKN MEAN THAT YOU ACTUALLY CAN.
Just bugs me, because MAYBE it'd be nice if they missed ME.
For ME. Not our conversations, not what I used to do for them,
NONE OF THAT BS SUPERFICIAL SH*T...
But how could they ever miss ME?
NOBODY FKN KNOWS ME!!!!
EVEN PEOPLE I SPENT TIME WITH.
EVEN PEOPLE I GAVE MY TIME TO...
THEY CAN THINK THEY KNOW ME ALL THEY WANT!!!!
But my "other life" has nothing to do with anyone.
I don't care who gets angry with me about that, but it's true.
SO WHY SHOULD I EVEN WANT TO SHARE THAT
WITH ANYONE?
WITH PEOPLE WHO NEVER FKN HEARD ME
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FEEL LIKE LISTENING.
WITH PEOPLE WHO SEND ME LINKS?
AND NOT EVEN SAY "HELLO."
WITH PEOPLE WHO PLAY FKN GAMES...
LIKE I'M ONLY "GOOD ENOUGH" TO BE AROUND
WHEN:
1) NOBODY ELSE IS
2) IF THEY GET SOMETHING FROM ME
WHY SHOULD I WANT TO SHARE THAT?
THAT PART OF MYSELF?
So I keep it so hidden from them
THAT THEY THINK THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE LOL!
I'D RATHER LET THEM ALL THINK
I'M FKN STUPID
THAN TO SHOW THEM ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
IF THEY WERE PAYING ATTENTION,
MAYBE THEY WOULD HAVE SEEN SOME THINGS...
IF THE CARED ENOUGH TO...
AND WHY EVEN BE MAD THAT THEY DIDN'T?
THEY CHOSE NOT TO.
That was their choice.
Just as "hiding stuff about myself"
from everyone...
Is my choice.
BUT IF I TREATED ANY OF THEM
THE WAY THEY FKN TREATED ME...
BUT I DIDN'T!
1) That's not the kind of person I am.
2) I don't have to be like that
3) I don't want to be like that
At least I can say that being alone is my choice.
I have a right to choose that.
No matter who tries to guilt trip me...
When they see they can't "control" me,
they want to try to "control" how people look at me...
Which is fkn sad.
So why bother "playing into" that? It's fkn immature AF!
THE ONLY REASON I EVEN BROUGHT HER UP,
WAS BECAUSE SHE SENT ME ANOTHER LINK TODAY.
EXPECTING A RESPONSE.
THAT SHE'S NOT GOING TO GET
JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTS IT.
DID SHE EVER CARE WHAT I WANTED?
LIKE NOT TO BE USED?
I WAS HER SHOULDER TO CRY ON.
I WAS THE FRIEND WHO'D LOAN HER MONEY...
WHO'D BUY HER STUFF...
DID SHE CARE THAT MAYBE I WANTED
TO SPEND MY MONEY ON HER
IF I FELT LIKE IT?
That's the thing.
Like if I dated someone...
I would never be like: "Can you buy me this? Can you buy me that?"
IT'S THEIR FKN MONEY
TO DO WTF THEY FEEL LIKE DOING WITH IT.
I rarely ask for money. And usually, I intend to pay it back.
AND WHEN OR IF I EVER BORROWED MONEY,
THAT MONEY WAS STILL THEIR MONEY.
I'M NOT FKN ENTITLED TO FKN ANYTHING.
A GIRLFRIEND WHO DOESN'T WANT TO
DRAG THEIR BOYFRIEND "SHOPPING"
TO SPEND HIS MONEY ON HER?
SUCH A THING EXISTS.
At my folks' place the other day,
my mom had YouTube on...
There was a video of a chick getting arrested...
She "found" a "lost credit card" in the parking lot
AND TRIED TO FKN USE IT, TWICE.
THE FIRST TIME, IT WORKED,
THE SECOND TIME IT GOT DECLINED...
FOR A LOUIS VITTON BAG OVER $3K FFS.
AND WHAT DID SHE DO?
SHE ASKED HER "SUGAR DADDY" TO BUY IT.
AND HE FKN DID!
AND AFTER HE BOUGHT IT, SHE GOT ARRESTED!
AFTER SHE GOT ARRESTED, HE DUMPED HER @SS.
AND SHE ACTED SURPRISED FFS.
"What did I do?! I didn't do anything!" Da fuq?
She knew exactly why she was getting arrested.
The cop explained it to "the sugar daddy" lol.
Since he wasn't involved, the cop told him to go.
She called him from the back of the cop car,
in handcuffs...
"What do you mean 'it's over'?"
"I said it, clearly."
Even asked him to bail her out!!!! Da fuq?!
HE TOLD HER TO CALL HER DAD!!!
"It's a family matter."
The audacity!!! Was using him up to the very end.
"Buy me the bag I tried to buy on a stolen credit card?!"
Then "Bail me out because I got caught trying to steal it..."
WHILE I WAS WITH YOU, EVEN...
THE DUDE LOOKED TWICE HER AGE!!!!
I'm probably going to go for a walk soon.
I've got some anxiety sh*t going on.
I don't know why... It's just kinda getting to me...
Whatever it is... A walk might help.
Even to the stadium or something...
I did bring my sketch book last time I went there...
Sketched one of the buildings, very roughly.
My "art skills" are lame because I stopped drawing for years...
Sometimes I see stuff and I say to myself: "I'd like to sketch that..."
Then I stare at it for a bit, thinking: "How would I draw this?"
It's something to do. Something to check off my list...
Besides my chores....
Something mellow to do by myself.
When I first moved in here, I sat at my window,
looking at buildings, tried drawing a few...
I got so into drawing that I forgot I was boiling water for tea...
The kettle boiled dry and the fire alarm went off.
And I couldn't figure out how to turn it off...
There's a button on smoke detectors...
You just need a stick or a broom handle
to push that button, and it turns off.
My mom's old dog (who passed away)
used to sit under the smoke detector
when my mom went to open the oven lol!!!!
Anyway, it kinda feels nice to lose myself in something.
Other than ruminating on all kinds of sh*t all the time.
Knitting and crochet is one thing, but...
Been doing those two things for so long that...
Sometimes it just doesn't "feel" like it used to feel...
If that makes any sense...
I still do it, and like making stuff...
It's just that it's not something I lose myself in
much anymore.
Hard to explain it.
I can just say it is nice to have something to lose myself in,
other than writing... Other than reading,
other than knitting and crochet...
Just for the time being...
Just hard for me to just take time for myself...
BECAUSE THE PEOPLE I'VE HELPED
GOT USED TO ME HELPING
AND WANTING TO HELP.
AND DIDN'T WANT TO DO THEMSELVES
ANY FAVORS...
JUST WANTED FAVORS FROM ME
AND WHOEVER ELSE...
WANTED THE ATTENTION FROM ANYONE...
EVERYONE...
BUT NOW THAT THEY DON'T HAVE MY ATTENTION,
BECAUSE I'M FOCUSING ON THINGS, OTHER THINGS...
OTHER THAN THEM, THEIR LIFE, THEIR "SUFFERING."
THEY WANT IT BACK!
THEY WANT MY ATTENTION.
OR WHY PLAY GAMES?
SENDING LINKS WITHOUT SAYING "HI."
SH*T LIKE THAT.
But when they HAD my attention... What did they do?
They know what they did and what they didn't do.
WAS I INVITED TO HER "BIRTHDAY PARTY?"
DID SHE WANT ME THERE?
I'm not mad that she didn't, but she posted pics she knew I'd see.
So I didn't fkn say anything about it, or to her, about it or about anything.
But what gets me is when people INTENTIONALLY LEAVE PEOPLE OUT
AND THEN ACT PISSY ABOUT NOT BEING INCLUDED.
Like: Pushing someone AWAY and then trying to act
like the person THEY pushed AWAY
PUSHED THEM AWAY.
WHEN THE PERSON WHO GOT PUSHED AWAY
JUST FKN ACCEPTS IT...
WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO?
FIGHT TO BE IN THEIR LIFE?!
B*TCH, YOU SHOWED ME OTHERWISE.
YOU SHOWED ME YOU DON'T WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE,
TWICE...
THEN YOU WANT TO COME RIGHT BACK IN
LIKE NOTHING FKN HAPPENED?!
Like when Mirror Smasher said "Happy Belated Birthday" to me.
WHY FKN WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY
BLATED OR OTHERWISE
AFTER ACTING LIKE YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED
TO FKN ACT RIGHT?
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!???
How INSULTING is that sh*t? Very?!
All of a sudden you "care"?! Da fuq outta here with that sh*t.
COULD HAVE CARED THE WHOLE TIME!!!!
DID YOU, THOUGH?!
Yeah, "cared" so much that you'd ever treat me like that!!!!
THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU "CARED"!
SO EXCUSE ME FOR NOT CARING LIKE I USED TO.
BUT THEY GET USED TO YOU BEING AROUND
WHENEVER THEY "NEED" YOU...
AND IF SOMEONE ELSE IS BUYING THEM STUFF...
OR DOING SOMETHING FOR THEM...
YOU DON'T EXIST TO THEM!!!! GO FIGURE!!!!
AND ME, FEELING ANY TYPE OF WAY ABOUT IT...
IS JUST ME "NOT GETTING OVER IT."
DA FUQ?!
NO. I'm not obligated to let everything "slide" all the fkn time.
THEY'D BE SICK OF BEING USED TOO!
IF I WAS DOING THAT SH*T TO THEM!
SO WHY THEY THINK I WOULDN'T BE...
ESPECIALLY, NOW, I DON'T FKN KNOW!
But they didn't get what they wanted!!!! Boohoo!!!
WHEN WHAT YOU WANT
IS TO KEEP ME AROUND TO TRY TO USE ME...
GO FK YOURSELF.
GO DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE.
NOT TO ME.
NOT TO SOMEONE WHO'D NEVER DO THAT SH*T TO YOU!!!!!
And to treat them like they are too stupid to realize
they're being used... Da fuq?!
If someone's going to think I'm stupid,
I'm going to let them think that.
WITHOUT GIVING A FK.
THEY CHOSE TO THINK THAT...
INSTEAD OF REALIZING ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
AND IF THAT'S THE FIRST THING THEY THINK...
GO FOR IT!!!!
I WON'T BEND OVER BACKWARDS
TRYING TO PROVE MYSELF TO ANYONE.
I JUST BACK TF UP.
It's not that hard to tell who thinks that...
BECAUSE IT SHOWS IN HOW THEY TALK TO YOU,
AND HOW THEY TREAT YOU...
Should I care that I'm "misunderstood'?
OR THAT THEY "MISUNDERSTAND ME"
INTENTIONALLY?
I mean, I could care... I used to...
It IS disappointing... AF.
Because you think... Okay... Maybe THIS time...
MAYBE THIS TIME I'LL BE SEEN AND HEARD.
CARED ABOUT... THIS TIME.
LIKE I'M AN ACTUAL PERSON...
AND YEAH, IT GOT TO ME FOR YEARS AND YEARS...
So much that I'd ruminate on all the stuff
that I just wrote about in this post...
But not just a little bit. A lot.
I'd be so fkn upset about that...
BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
MY WHOLE FKN LIFE
BY EVERYONE WHO'D EVER BEEN IN IT...
TO ANY DEGREE...
WHO ALL COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO.
ALL OF THEM.
EVERY SINGLE ONE.
AND THEN THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE...
WHO GET EVERYTHING THEY COULD HAVE
EVER WANTED...
AND YEAH, I CAN BE HAPPY FOR MY FRIENDS.
It's actually a nice feeling to be happy for someone...
Like the neighbors who just had a baby...
We all got to see her baby for the first time today!
AND I CAN SAY THAT I AM SO HAPPY FOR THEM!!!!
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY AM.
AND IT FEELS NICE.
Sometimes I wonder what it'd feel like... To be happy about some things...
Someone said that they have a hard time feeling excited about anything.
I told him that I do, too. I said that it's probably because
I'm so not used to that feeling
that my body probably doesn't know how to respond
to things that should be exciting.
It's not a bad thing, it's just that my body isn't used to it.
So it doesn't "just go there" when something ought to be
"exciting."
Does it make sense, though?
Why that feeling doesn't exactly register?
Like it does with most people?
My body knows what depression feels like.
It knows what anxiety feels like.
It knows what "tired of this bs" feels like.
Excitement? Not so much...
For an example... My trips should have been "exciting" right?
Instead, they felt kind of "detached" and "surreal."
Even though I was "safe," I wasn't in my "bubble."
I could have enjoyed a whole lot... More than I did.
Especially all the times I spent ruminating...
Those times I was too busy ruminating
TO EVEN ENJOY ANYTHING...
EVEN SMALL STUFF.
BUT NOW I CATCH MYSELF DOING IT
AND TRY TO SHIFT MY FOCUS.
WHICH IS STILL HARD, BUT...
It's a habit I needed to break a long time ago.
Just... All that time I spent ruminating...
ON WHY SO AND SO WOULD BE AND DO XYZ TO ME
WHEN I NEVER DID THAT SH*T TO THEM.
AND NEVER WOULD HAVE!
WHY DO IT TO ME?!
WHY DO THAT SH*T AT ALL?
But to me? I was loyal af.
TO MY DETRIMENT, EVEN.
Anyway, all that time I spent ruminating on that sh*t...
I was doing THAT instead of enjoying myself...
Enjoying fkn anything.
All that wasted time, on that. Y'know?
I have to remind myself that it's okay
to actually enjoy myself and enjoy some things...
Even if I'm doing that by myself.
The more I get used to it being okay, maybe it actually will feel like it.
I'll get used to how it feels.
To enjoy myself. To enjoy some things.
And then I'll just be happy to do just that.
And that'll be all I need.
To just feel better, overall.
Despite everything I ever ruminated about.
No comments:
Post a Comment