Still Hard To Sleep

I actually heard from my son!
He asked for help applying for college.

I am surprised to hear from him.
I started a education fund thing for him
when he was 3 months old so it gathered interest.

One of the best moves I made for him.

Crazy that my kid's getting ready for college...
I was dating his father when I was in college.

I started my college course when my son was 8 months old.
He was at a good day care I was lucky to get him into.

My mom wanted $400/month to look after her own grandson.
I thought she was volunteering so I didn't make other plans
and sprung that on me knowing I had nobody else.

My ex drove me to school on his way to work.
So we took him to my mom's early. 

My son thought my mom was his aunt and I never said she was.
He thought that my grandmother was his grandmother.

I had to explain to him that who he thought was his aunt
is actually his grandmother.

I might get to take him to my mom's on the weekend.

The last time we got to see each other, it went okay.
I'm happy he asked me to help him. 

We watched ALF together lol.
We watched it when he was a kid...

Crazy my son is actually an adult now.
And almost going to college!

I remember being in college.

I hope he asks me to help him study.

And maybe we could both sign up to be tutors.
The tutors get paid.

Also, I used to work at the college. Night shift.

Got off work at 7:30am...
Started work at 11pm. 

Once, my buddy wanted to go drinking before work...
Other than that, I'd go to the beer store to get beer
to drink when I got home from work.

It was alright to work there, some supervisor who was there
when I was working there...
Last time I was there (I go there sometimes)...
He was still working there. Still is working there.

I wonder who else is still working there I used to work with.

I had a few cool co-workers. Like Roger...
Saying his name because he passed away.

Anyway, he didn't know, but I had a huge crush on him.
He was with a chick who was the ex of another co-worker.
Who she had a son with who is a friend of mine.
Him and his father.
I met his father's father who I used to work with.

We both worked in the P building which is where I had my classes.

I wrote back to my son asking him what he wants to take in college.
I'm glad that he wants to go.
Even though I never got to do much with my college degree...
He could possibly do something with his.

I'm glad that he's not letting his health concerns hold him back. 

It took a long time for him to contact me, but I'm glad that he did.
And that he seems to be okay.

Maybe he could get into a dorm or get a roomie.

Or maybe rent a room from one of my friends.
He has that house in the country and has rented out rooms.
Even if he can stay there temporarily.
While he's in college.

He's met my friend before.

Anyway, I don't want to make too many "plans" for him.
Just want him in a healthier environment.

Maybe he might start going to church.
I remember when he asked me if we could go.
So we went with my friend to his church.

And we went to my friend's baptism. 
He got baptised in the river.

I knew someone who got baptized in a hot tub
At the biker church.
Yes, there is such a thing. I went there before.

I went to his baptism, too.

I was baptized as a baby, and so was my son.

We were baptized at the same church and pretty much
everyone in my family did.

Maybe my aunts and uncle... Maybe my mother...
Both my brothers.
I attended their baptisms, too.

I guess I've attended 5 baptisms so far.

I'm not particularly religious. 
I stopped going to church as a teen.

It seemed like more of a place of gossip, 
not a place of worship.

Besides, if I decide to go, I'll go.

I just tend to have quiet days on Sundays.
And my neighbor wants to go fishing on Sundays.
He gets on the bus for free on Sundays.

Anyway, it'll be nice to see my son and spend time together.
It'd be cool if he can stay at my friend's place.

He needs a better role model.
Way better.

A male role model. 
Even though my buddy can be a j@ck@ss.

Could be good for him.
And to introduce him to my newer friends.

Maybe my neighbor will teach him about fishing.
And we can work on his math site.

I bought him a math domain.

So that he might set up some online tutoring
through his site and he mentioned wanting to do YouTube vids.

My son taught himself calculus. 
He's super into math. He loves it.

There's a guy who was a statistician and he's a musician.
I'd love to introduce him to him.

Like I said, it's about time he had new role models.
Good role models.

People he can learn stuff from.

He might even enjoy himself.

I want to take him out to hang out with my friends and I.
But he might not want to hang out with his mom...

Anyway... I should try to sleep at some point.
It's not as hot as it has been, now.
Supposed to cool down by Wednesday.
Which will be nice.

It'll be nice to eat with my son at my new place.
Could even cook together.

When he was around 10 years old, 
he wanted to bake a cake by himself.

Wanted to surprise me with it.

I knew he was in the kitchen, but he didn't want me in there lol.
Wanted to do it by himself. 

And we ate ice cream with it. It turned out pretty good.
Pretty sure it was his first cake.

His father used to bake me cakes when I was pregnant.

Anyway, I can understand why he's been angry.
But he really needs to talk about it.
We really need to talk about it.

Without arguing about it.

Just listen to me about it.

He's gone through some tough things.
Things that have been really hard for him.

I probably don't know the half of it.

Every time I've tried standing up for myself and him, 
it just made sh*t worse.

I hope he sees that I tried to.

I felt just as powerless about a lot of things
that were beyond my control. 

He's been in a really dark place, though.
He and I need to talk about that, too.
Not just why he's been angry.

I wish he could realize I've been hurt, too.
In a lot of ways by a lot of people
who I never thought would hurt me.

Who I trusted! Y'know?

It's still hard to sleep.