Update

So, the day before Canada Day...
I accidentally broke a wire that I needed for my internet.
It took a while to get them to send someone to fix it.
They did, but it was a pain in the @ss.

When I got the internet back, 
I got locked out of my google account...

I got back in, yesterday.

So that's part of why I was MIA.

Other than that, I've been writing... 
Just not here.

Working on my story. 

I could have lost all of it. Was close.

Years of that story...

I started writing it decades ago.

Have had a lot of momentum.
While my internet was out... 

I've been banging out the twists...
I have to thread them together, 
and the other stuff, 

but writing them out. 

Today was weird. 

I looked outside and there was a dude
passed out, on the pavement, in the parking lot.

Something really didn't look right.

I called him in. They came.
Left him there, then someone else called.
They took him somewhere.

Last time I checked, I saw him back...
With a couple other guys...

The cops knocked at my door, too.
I invited them in, so they could see
where he was from my balcony.

They were acting like it was likely heat stroke
or something else. 

I didn't know if the dude was breathing or not.
I was relieved that he actually woke up and got up
when they approached him.

Maybe he refused to go with them when I called.
But went with them when someone else did.

But he could have cooked out there, like that.

Been thinking about going to Niagara Falls, 
but I'll see...

I'd be nice to get away from here.

Just for a bit.

Been helping a neighbor start a YT channel.
Fishing stuff.

I'm not telling him that I'm going somewhere.
I can see him trying to invite himself.

He was "fishing" to see if I'd let him stay overnight.

"Don't want a bunkmate, do you?"

He didn't get the response he wanted.

If I let him once, he'll keep wanting to.

As it is, I'd like my own time and space.

When I had a migraine on Canada Day, 
he offered to "massage" me.

Like trying to find excuses to touch me.
Like when we were on my balcony, 
we were standing next to each other, 
leaning on the rail. 

He slid over to me,
and was kinda rubbing my elbow.

I declined his "massage."

He's been trying stuff like that, like wanting hugs from me.

And the bunkmate comment didn't go unnoticed.
Probably because I've had a male friend stay a weekend. 

Of course lots of talk, as always.

Even when I keep to myself, there's talk. 

But yeah... 

Time away from that stuff...
Whether hiding in my apartment or whatever, 
I just need some space and just have 
my own time to do stuff
like write, if I want to.

Without people trying to "sleep over"
or find reasons to touch me. I don't like it.

---- 

I went outside for a bit. 
I went to update my bus card.

First time I went, I realized I'd left my wallet at home.

Second time, I ended up getting a pop, also.

Then, I took a bit of a walk. 

It stopped raining, but it's pretty muggy. 

I read signs I see, outside...
One of the signs was something like:
"Low wages? Blame corporations, not immrigants."

Someone wrote under it, 80,000 homeless people in Ontario.
JUST IN ONTARIO.

Sure, BC is crazy for homelessness, too. 

Just saying that JUST IN ONTARIO, 
THERE'S OVER 80,000 PEOPLE WHO ARE HOMELESS.

AND THEY WANT TO KEEP BRINGING IN MORE PEOPLE
INTO CANADA...

Like I've said, many times, I'm not against immigration. 
If it wasn't for immigration, I wouldn't be alive.

My great-grand-father was an immigrant. From England. 
My father's mother came from Finland.

What bugs me is bringing in so many people
WHEN WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH HOUSING ETC
FOR PEOPLE WHO ALREADY LIVE HERE.

SURE, THE CORPORATIONS HIRING MOSTLY IMMIGRANTS...
NOT EXACTLY HELPING.

Sure, it helps the immigrants... But when they get priority...
A lot of people get p*ssed off.

It'd p*ss people off in other countries
who need services, too...

Like if people flocked to xyz country...
For xyz reasons...

From xyz countries
who'd feel the same way
if people flocked to their country
and got pushed right up the waiting lists...

If Canadians went to other countries 
and made demands...

DEMANDING TO STAY.

IF CANADIANS WENT TO ANY COUNTRY
AND DEMANDED ANYTHING...

WHAT WOULD BE THE RESULT OF THAT?
THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECLINE
OUR DEMANDS?

TO LAUGH US BACK TO CANADA?

BECAUSE THEY DO.
THEY COULD.

That's what it'd look like, on us, if we did that.
In their country.

If we acted the way they've acted here, 
in their country...

WE SURELY WOULDN'T BE WELCOME THERE.

IF WE'D HAVE NO RIGHT TO DEMAND ANYTHING, FROM THEM, 
FROM XYZ COUNTRY, 
XYZ COUNTRY WOULD HAVE NO RIGHT
DEMANDING IT, FROM US. 

FROM CANADA.

Like, I get this whole "dispute" where Canadians are p*ssed off
because of the immigration, yearly, it's been insane.

WHERE ARE THEY PLANNING ON PUTTING EVERYONE?

AND ONLY SOME "MAKE THE LIST"
AND WHEN THEY MAKE THE LIST, 
THEY HAVE TO WAIT. 

WAIT UNTIL "SOMETHING" "OPENS"
AND IT USUALLY "OPENS"
WHEN SOMEONE GETS KICKED OUT, OR DIES.

A place like this place, for example.
There are plenty of buildings, just like this, in O-town...

Although, it's said that this building's one of the worst buildings.
Of around 6 of them in one area.

It's "interesting."
I can put it that way...

Most laugh when I put it that way.

Because they can't say that it's "not" lol.

Especially ones who've lived here, longer
and seen more...

But, yeah... I've been told this one's the worst one...

The first few months... Just... Wow.
And we're just... Mid summer?

I'm learning to take side streets...

There was this really weird thing that happened.

I had finished a joint at the lake, walking back home...
And I was tossing a can in the garbage can... 

And there was a dude sitting in a water truck, just there.
Hadn't seen this guy around before. Ever.

I've been around there, at night, before, I'd have seen him...

So I turned to go down through Little Italy, to turn and go home...
The guy decides to start driving, after I left, same direction. 

Didn't think anything of it, until I saw him stop.
He'd driven around a block ahead of me, and stopped.

I had a weird feeling I didn't like...
So I turned around and went a street over...

But I saw that he could see me, if I'd crossed the street, 
even from that street, a street over, 

so I turned around, again, and went another street over, 
and I was on that street, and he'd come onto that, street!

One of the deadest streets... 
I ducked behind a dumpster, 
so I could watch what the guy was doing.

He turned around, twice, 
and went to go park in a lot that was facing
where I was hiding. 

I didn't want to stay there all night
for him to go tf away, so I ended up leaving.

I'm sure he saw what direction I went,
but I went to yet another street
to get tf off that street... 

I WENT 2 STREETS OVER!
TO AVOID HIM.

AND IT WAS LIKE HE WAS WAITING ME OUT
BECAUSE WHEN HE SAW ME DUCK BACK THERE, 
HE TURNED AROUND, TWICE.

Been kinda extreme about avoiding people lately...
Well, at night, especially... Usually. 

I'll take side streets and go long ways around
just to avoid any potential 'traps."

It was mostly when that car stopped,
cutting me off right at the corner of the sidewalk, that night.

THAT WASN'T FOR NO REASON. 

SINCE THEN, I'VE USUALLY HAD A GUARD UP.

WHEN SOMETHING LOOKS AND FEELS SHADY...

LIKE GOING 2 STREETS OVER... 
AND WHEN HE SAW ME SEEING HIM HE TURNS AROUND?
BUT DOESN'T LEAVE?

TWICE?

And if the guy was routinely there, I'd have seen him before.

I was at the stadium, one night, and I was watch a dude...
He was at the top of the hill, trying to ride his skateboard down it, 
in the dark...

The reason I'd stuck around, for a bit, was because, 
if he wiped out, and actually hurt himself, 
at least I could get help for the guy... 

He had a flashlight. I think he saw me, 
but I really tried not to be seen...

What would it have mattered if he'd seen me
if I would have helped the guy?

I don't know. 

He tried to say hi to me, but I was trying not to be seen. 
He barely saw me. 

I could have been a figment of his imagination
for all he knew lol. 

Maybe a part of me just wanted to see
if he could make it all the way down... 

Without falling. 

Which I wouldn't be able to do, lol. 

Just been kinda tired the last few days, I guess.
For one, been pretty hot, here.

It did rain, today, but the humidity is just insane. 

Well, no sh*t... Humidity when it rains! Yeah...
But it's still in the air after it rains
which makes it feel really gross.

Like, it'd be one thing if it just rained it all out of the air...
Just poured it out, and gone. 
It just hangs in the air... 

And when it gets hot, it's a moist hot
like you're basting in an oven.

So when you're in that, waiting for it to rain, 
just to "cool it off" the moisture doesn't "go away."
Because it's in the air. 

Hard to explain... I don't think I'm doing the best
trying to explain what it's like, 
but those who know, know.

So a lot of people get 'cranky' because of the heat.
Some people love the heat. All the more power to them. 

I like it, but the humidity is bananas.

Over the winter, yes, absolutely. 

Some people say they'd prefer the cold
because they could always put a sweater on...

True, but if you don't need boots, coats, sweaters, hats, mittens, etc...
I call that a win. 

I have a hard time being or getting warm when it's cold. 
My body sometimes hurts when it's cold. 

I'd prefer being warm. 

Even if it's a challenge to "cool down" sometimes...

Winter feels like half of the year, here.

When winter's over, people want to be outdoors...
Unless it's too hot to be outdoors. 

As extremely cold as it can get here, we get heat waves, too. 

It's not just always cold here, thankfully.

It sure takes a long time to warm up lol, 
and people're happy winter's over...

Like some people, in wheelchairs...

A lot of them stay home all winter
because their streets don't get plowed...

HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO
MANAGE GETTING AROUND IN THAT SH*T?

AND THE CITY DOES NOT GAF
IF THEY CAN'T.

EVEN TRYING TO PUSH A STROLLER
IN THE SNOW, IN THE WINTER....

I'VE CARRIED MY SON, 
IN HIS STROLLER, 
UP THE STAIRS, 
ACROSS FIELDS ETC.

MYSELF.

PUSHING A STROLLER...
IN THE SNOW... SUCKS.

Trying to get around in a wheelchair
in winter hell?

When people are stuck at home all winter
AND THEN THEY CAN GO OUT?

EASILY NAVIGATE THE STREETS?
WITHOUT SNOW, ICE, SLUSH, SALT
EVERYWHERE...

I've missed my night walks. 
I've got my new spots I like to go to...

And now, I'm a lot more... Out of my head.
So I can actually enjoy some stuff, now.

I'm more "free" to think about more stuff.
I'm not all 'in my head' like I was years ago.

That was horrible. 

Nobody wants to be in my head...
Reading my blog is the closest to it, I guess.

I'd found a chill park with a pond in it, 
and trying to find that park again...

I know the general area of it, 
but I forgot where, exactly...

And a park, I like, that has a pool in it...
I went there, at night, smoked there...

Quiet, I like. 

Like... Going out, in public, 
but still having 'solitude.'

What I've said about this "city."
It's a "park" pretending to be a "city."

If you've seen some of the parks, you'd get it.

It's like the whole place is a big "park"
and it's trying to be a "city."

Anyway, go the beaches, the parks, 
but it's all a massive "thing"
with stuff "in it."

Hard to put into words, what I mean. 

It's just O-town IS supposedly a city.

The other day, I wanted to see how far down
the grate goes next to the loading dock...

I'd heard someone had fallen down there...
It's deep enough that he needed help to get out.

I looked in it, and all I could see were rigs.

If anyone falls down there, again, they'd fall
on all those rigs!

They just sh00t up, and drop them down there, it seems.

For as many as I've seen down there, 
I've seen as many just on the streets. Crazy.

Ten years ago, you'd never have seen that.

Worst, then, was used c0nd0ms.
Now this. Wild. 

Anyway... It's just... 
Shouldn't be "normal" y'know?

And that's just next door...
Not even to the corner of the street.

I've kept to myself, pretty much. 

Feels so much better, being an island.

Going back to reserve.
Refill.
Recharge.

----------

Also, I'm trying to cut back on smoking.

At least I don't smoke cigarettes anymore, 
but living between two pot shops...

With people smoking it, around me, 
all the time...

And my neighbor calling:
"What are you doing? Want to smoke a joint?"

There was a guy I'd met recently...
After he asked me my name, 
he wanted to know where I live, 
and he wanted my number.

Two things that had my alarms up.

I just met you, dude!
Why do you think I'm going to tell you where I live?
Why should I give you my number?

I gave him an excuse why I couldn't give him my number
and I got out of there.

Vibes don't lie. I didn't like it.

I don't like lying, but I don't like
when someone I just met
wants my address and phone number.

One of the biggest alarms:
"Do you live alone?"

WHY TF DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?!

He didn't ask that, but... He may as well have...
"Where do you live?"

"Mars. I live on Mars." 

Well, the other night, I fixed some stuff on my site.
A bunch of stuff to fix, still, but I'm "getting there."

And I've had to try to "catch up" on my own plans
because my neighbor would rather just chill and smoke.
As often as he can...

That's why I've been trying to keep to myself.
Just to get some "work" done, on my "stuff."

I can't "force" anyone to understand that it's important to me.

I've tried to explain that I have stuff to do that I've been wanting to do
that I can't do when people expect me to put it aside to chill all the time.

"There's tomorrow." That's not the point.

The point is that IT WON'T GET DONE
UNLESS I DO IT.

I CAN'T CHILL AND WORK AT THE SAME TIME.

AND IF PEOPLE WEREN'T SO SELFISH
ABOUT WANTING TO HANG OUT ALL THE TIME
THEY'D UNDERSTAND THAT.

It shouldn't have to take pulling all the way back
for anyone to realize why.

"Are you mad at me?"
Because I don't want to hang out all the time?
Because I have stuff to do?

I'm not "mad" I'm "busy"
because I was slacking and can't keep slacking
IF I WANT TO COMPLETE SOME STUFF.
WHICH I DO.

Shouldn't be hard to understand that.
Shouldn't have to keep explaining it, either.

Maybe I'm a bit grumpy because I'm just waking up.

I try not to be grumpy about wanting time to myself. 
I just need to be in my own zone, 
minding my own business, 
doing my own things.

SHOULDN'T BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

There's something wrong if I needed to be around people
ALL THE TIME.
IF I NEEDED CONSTANT STIMILATION
OUTSIDE OF MY OWN GOALS...

IF I NEEDED THEIR APPROVAL/VALIDATION... 

I used to. I used to want to "fit in" blah blah. 
Until I didn't. 

Until I stopped caring about that sh*t.

Until I realized that, maybe,
I COULD ACTUALLY DO THINGS
I'VE WANTED TO DO FOR SO LONG...

AND I COULD ONLY DO THOSE THING
IF I PUT MY EFFORT TOWARDS THAT.

Then, all that social whatever tf... Didn't matter.

What was I "missing out" on?
Getting high? Getting drunk? 
A bunch of mindlessness?

Getting used to mindlessness poses a danger.
Because you stop thinking about things
you could be thinking about...

And all of that mindlessness is a distraction... 

Ever notice that the closer you are to doing something
Most of the people you know try to
or want to 
distract you from it?

If they had their own goals, 
THEY'D BE WORKING ON THOSE.

AND LETTING ME
WORK ON MINE.

WITHOUT:
"ARE YOU MAD AT ME?"

TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY
FOR "LETTING YOU THINK
THAT I WAS MAD AT YOU
FOR JUST WANTING TO DO
MY OWN STUFF"?

No. I'm not going to feel guilty for that.

Why should I feel guilty when there's something
I want to do and told you I want to do
and you know it has nothing to do with you...

So why can't I just do that?

If there was something you wanted to do
and I knew you wanted to do it
and it has nothing to do with me....

SHOULDN'T I WANT YOU TO?

EVEN IF IT MEANS
NOT CHILLING EVERY DAY
DOING LITTLE TO NOTHING
EVERY DAY?

It's like every time I was doing things, 
he'd call or come to my door...

Once, he called me, at my door.

Maybe to see if I was home. I dunno.

While we were on the phone:
"I'm at your door right now."

Did that give me any time for anything?
Even to go to the washroom?

Nope. I had to answer the door
because he was already at the door. 

He did it to be funny. 

Just that it left me with no time, 
not even minutes before he was already there.

And had I needed more time before he showed up?
To put stuff away?
To be properly dressed?
To eat something?

Stuff some people don't seem to think about. 

But, there are times to chill
and times to chill from chilling. 

And when they get too... 
I back off because it turns me off.

Was no "need" to try rub my elbow, standing side by side, 
and no need to call me "sweetheart" or whatever else.

He even called me "the girlfriend."
"I'm not your girlfriend."

"You're a girl and we're friends."
Being a girl and a friend, just makes me a friend.

What bugs me is being a friend, looking for more
and "trying to wear me down"
WHEN I ALREADY SAID I'M NOT INTERESTED.

HE KNOWS HE'S TOO OLD FOR ME.

MY MOTHER'S AGE.

MY FATHER'S AGE, IF HE WAS STILL AROUND...

We were sitting on the balcony...
I could see a balcony from another building, 
blocks away...

A guy was BBQ'ing or something...
And the guy was wearing a blue shirt.

Could barely see the dude.

A female came outside with him.
"Blue shirt has a girlfriend!"

"I'm wearing a blue shirt... Thought you meant me."

When I had already pointed out the dude.

And I said it, when we'd been out fishing...
"Blue shirt has a girlfriend."

"What about fisherman has a girlfriend."
Referring to himself, again. 

I was with him when he was talking to another guy
who lives in the building.

He was saying something about
wanting to get laid before he turns 65. 

Because they were talking about getting laid. 

I forget the exact words, but it went like that.
Him ending up saying he wants to get laid before he turns 65.

Then why hang out with someone
who already told you they don't want to have s3x with you?

But chicks being jealous of me when I don't even see a dude like that
is freaking ridiculous. 

Like that chick who invited herself on the coffee run
just because she wanted his attention
to be on her the whole time.

Because she wasn't going just to be with me, right?

She literally acts like I'm not there.

I was right in front of her, with a neighbor...
And she starts talking to the neighbor...
As though I wasn't there lol. 

Like she did on the coffee run. 

And it was a coffee run! Wasn't a date she was trying to "break up."

Just was really weird. 

Because she didn't "have to" invite herself. 
She could have just walked by, said hello, 
and just went on her way, right?

She doesn't have to try to "steal" his attention, like that, 
but does it anyway.

Because he was with me. Or why do it?

Like mirror smasher's ex or whoever tf she thinks she is... Dgaf.

When he was living with me, he was doing a bit better...
Because I wasn't pressuring him to do drugs etc...

The point was for him to be away from the people
who he did that sh*t with...

And, she knew that. 

Anyway, she went behind his back
to try to get him sent to the hospital

TO TRY TO GET HIM AWAY FROM ME.

BECAUSE SHE HAD "NO OTHER WAY."

AND SHE WENT SO FAR TO SABOTAGE.
BUT HE FKN LET HER.

SO WHY WASTE MY TIME?

ON SOMEONE WHO'D DISRESPECT ME
FOR THAT SH*T?

WHEN I WAS THE ONLY ONE
STEPPING UP FOR HIM?

NOBODY ELSE CARED!
OR THEY WOULD HAVE NOT "USED" HIM. 
BUT HE LET THEM ALL DO IT.

AND CHOSE THAT SH*T.
AND CHOSE TO BE A SH*T.
REFUSED TO LISTEN.

SO WHY KEEP DOING WHAT I COULD DO?
FOR THAT?

Did he "care" what I gave up to be there for him?
Did he "care" that I even was?

Or did he take me for granted, 
like pretty much everyone else, in my life?

HE CHOSE THAT.

HAD HE CHOSE DIFFERENTLY, 
THINGS MIGHT HAVE TURNED OUT
DIFFERENTLY. RIGHT?

I CAN SAY THAT FOR A LOT OF
"SITUATIONS."

HAD PEOPLE ACTUALLY APPRECIATED ME...

THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

BUT DOESN'T GIVE ME ANY RIGHT
TO "DO ANYTHING TO THEM"
FOR NOT APPRECIATING ME
LIKE THEY COULD HAVE
HAD THEY JUST CHOSE TO...

EVEN TREATED ME LIKE A PERSON.

AND CLAIM THEY WERE EVER MY FRIEND????!!!!

Like a person who doesn't need to be treated like sh*t.

BASIC RESPECT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.
Y'KNOW?

JUST BASIC RESPECT.
ENOUGH NOT TO XYZ.

AT THE VERY FKN LEAST.

BUT JUST FOR "REACTIONS"
LET'S PUSH ME AS FAR AS YOU CAN????

TO TALK ABOUT MY REACTION?????
NOT WHY I MIGHT HAVE REACTED, LIKE THAT.

NOT WHY I MIGHT STOP CARING.

NOBODY IS ENTITLED TO IT.
THE VERY FEW I OWE, I OWE.

THE REST, I DON'T. 

THEY COULD HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING
BY NOT TRYING TO "PROVOKE" ME.

NOTHING WAS A "MISUNDERSTANDING."
IT WAS DELIBERATE SH*T.
INTENTIONAL SH*T.

SH*T I DON'T APPRECIATE, NOR RESPECT.
WHY WASTE MY TIME ON SH*T I DON'T RESPECT?

ON PEOPLE WHO LOST MY RESPECT?

SHOULDN'T HAVE LOST MY RESPECT, RIGHT?

COULD I BE ANGRY AT THEM?
IF I WAS THE ONE WHO LOST THEIR RESPECT?

OR WOULD THAT BE ON ME?
THAT I LOST IT
BY DOING SH*T
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE?

SEE ME DOING THAT SH*T?
NO? BECAUSE I HAVE ENOUGH RESPECT
FOR MYSELF NOT TO BE DOING IT.

IF HE'D KICKED ME OUT
FOR NOT APPRECIATING THE FACT
HE WAS TRYING TO HELP ME...

NOT TREATING HIM LIKE SOMEONE
WHO MATTERS TO ME...

HE GOT BACK WHAT HE GAVE.
IMAGINE THAT.

I DIDN'T. I CAN'T GET THAT TIME BACK.

I WASTED TIME. ON THAT SH*T.

AND THAT'S ON ME
FOR WASTING ALL THAT TIME
ON THAT SH*T.

YOU THINK ACCUSING ME OF DOING SH*T
THAT I DON'T FKN DO
AND BLOCKING ME
AND INSULTING ME
AND REFUSING TO TALK LIKE AN ADULT

IS GOING TO MAKE ME WANT TO
"STICK AROUND"
FOR MORE OF THAT SH*T?

WHAT'S IT GOING TO MAKE ME WANT TO DO?
DROP YOUR @SS?

FOR WASTING MY TIME?

COMING BACK IN, ALL BECAUSE I WAS LOYAL...
BUT WERE YOU, THOUGH?

OR DID YOU LIE TO MY FACE? REPEATEDLY?

"I WON'T TREAT YOU LIKE THAT ANYMORE, A***."

LIKE YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE?
OR EVEN FKN HAD TO?

HAD NO REASON TO! NONE.
JUST EXCUSES TO 
JUSTIFY
BEING A SH*T, 
TO ME.

EXCUSES I'M NOT ACCEPTING.

LIKE FAKE APOLOGIES I'M NOT ACCEPTING. 

SORRY MEANS SH*T IF YOU KEEP DOING IT.
AND IF IT MEANS SH*T
FK OFF WITH YOUR "SORRY."

BECAUSE SAYING IT, JUST TO SAY IT, 
WITHOUT MEANING IT, 
MEANS SH*T TO ME.

WASTE OF TIME.

ALL THE TIME THEY HAD TO SAY
WHATEVER THEY WANTED TO SAY
WHEN I WAS RIGHT FKN THERE...

BUT NOPE.

NOW, WHY SHOULD I LISTEN?
I WAS RIGHT THERE, 
THE WHOLE TIME.

AND WHEN I WANTED TO SAY
ANYTHING?

WHO LISTENED TO ME?
ANYONE?

TO WHAT I WANTED?

DID THEY EVEN CARE
THAT I WANTED TO BE TREATED
LIKE A FKN PERSON?

A PERSON WHO MATTERED TO THEM...

AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T, 
CONSTANTLY...

LIKE I BARELY EXIST...

OR I EXIST TO SH*T ON....

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?
SHOULD BE EXPECTING ME
TO WALK TF AWAY FROM YOU!!!!

AND NOT TAKE YOUR SH*T!!!!

BECAUSE WHO TF DOES ANYONE THINK THEY ARE
TO THINK THAT I EXIST FOR THAT SH*T?

THEY CAN DISREGARD IT ALL, 
BUT THE TRUTH ABOUT ME, 
STILL IS THE TRUTH. 

SH@T ON THE WRONG ONE, 
YOU CAN'T JUST GET ME "BACK"
AS "EASILY" AS BEFORE. 

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY NEVER WAS
"DESPERATE" FOR ANYONE
TO "LOVE" ME LOL. 

I'VE ALREADY DECIDED 99.9%
OF EVERYONE CAN GO FK THEMSELVES
A LONG TIME, AGO.

WHY, THOUGH? 

BECAUSE OF SH*T LIKE THAT?

WHY SHOULD I "SETTLE"?
IF I HAD?

WOULD I HAVE BEEN "HAPPY"?
WITH THAT SH*T?

NO? WHY NOT? LOL.

Because maybe I never deserved any of that sh*t.

And the minute, or second, you realize
THAT YOU DON'T
AND DON'T HAVE TO TAKE
ANYONE'S SH*T

YOU JUST STOP TAKING SH*T.

AND YOU DON'T GAF
WHAT THEY THINK
THAT YOU'RE NOT TAKING THEIR SH*T...

IT'S OBVIOUS THEY WANTED YOU TO.
OR THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABOUT IT.

BUT YOU CHOOSE. 

THEY CHOSE, RIGHT? TO DO XYZ?
SO YOU GET TO CHOOSE TO ABC, DEF, ...

AS A RESPONSE TO THEM DOING XYZ.

AND WHEN THEY REALIZE THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE
DONE XYZ....

TOO LATE, THEY ALREADY DID XYZ.

SORRY MEANS WHAT WHEN THEY CHOSE XYZ?

SORRY ONLY MEANS THEY DON'T WANT TO 
CARRY THAT WEIGHT
OF HAVING DONE XYZ.

FOR THE BS REASONS THEY DID XYZ.

THAT'S ALL IT MEANS.
NOT WHAT IT SHOULD MEAN.

The one guy I ever really felt bad for...
After he did something (unintentional)
that caused deaths... 

The judge still threw the book at him... 

What happened was that he was driving a truck
that had something wrong with it.

He was trying to break and it wasn't breaking...
He crashed into lots of people.

More than a few deaths... 

And he hadn't intended for it to happen. 

The only thing he did wrong, according to the judge
was that it was up to him, as the driver,
to have made sure that the truck was "safe to drive."
And he said that because he hadn't done that....
It wasn't "safe to drive," and he drove it, anyway.

I felt bad for him and I knew that was genuine remorse.

It wasn't like he had intended to crash... 

Just one choice... Had he chosen to not take THAT truck...
Another truck, or took it to be looked at...

He chose to assume it was safe to drive
without ensuring that it was.
And drove it.

Part of the reason that I didn't get my license
is that it can take a split second
of hesitation or whatever
to cause an accident.

And I'd rather not drive than to cause an accident.
Fair of me to say?

For a big chunk of my life, I drank.

Not saying I would have drank and drove.
I'm saying that I never have, period. 

It'd be on me, forever, had I caused an accident.
Especially, if that accident
resulted in anyone DYING.

I saw videos of people who caused accidents...
Where people DIED.

Sure, be reckless with your own life,
if that's what you really want to do....

BUT DON'T BE RECKLESS
WITH ANYONE ELSE'S LIFE.

One case stood out to me, the most.
It was really crazy.

A female drove her car into a building
with two people inside the car...

Both guys died. She didn't.

She knew what she was about to do, and did it.

One of the guys was a guy she'd been dating, 
and the other guy was his friend. 

I couldn't ever do anything like that. 

Even the thought of being behind a wheel
of a car that I know could cause death...

In as little as a split second...

A SECOND OF "OOPS."

BUT OOPS ISN'T AN EXCUSE.
Y'KNOW?

Like a guy I knew...
I found this out after he'd died...

He'd been driving a big truck, 
a cement truck...

And a car cut in front of him, 
he couldn't stop.

People died.

THE DRIVER OF THE CAR
WHO CUT IN FRONT OF HIM
HAD BEEN DRINKING.

He couldn't have stopped and he did try to.

A lot of people drive like IDIOTS in this city.

And I just... Can't trust them not to.
EVEN WHEN YOU WANT TO TRUST THEM
AND SHOULD BE ABLE TO
TRUST PEOPLE
NOT TO DRIVE LIKE IDIOTS...

Cutting in front of a cement truck that can't stop...

Pretty stupid thing to do.

SO YOU CAN BE AS CAREFUL
AS YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING
OR TRYING TO BE...

AND SOMEONE COULD STILL...

COULD DO SOMETHING STUPID
IN FRONT OF YOU...

One clip I saw was from a dashcam... 
Someone stopped in front of a chick
but she had time to stop, so she did.

And they rammed her, backed into her car
to make it look like she hit them, 
but they took off when they saw she had a dashcam. 

Crazy.

If she hadn't filmed it, 
there'd have been no way she could have said
that they rammed her from in front, like they did.

How many times had they done it, before?

All kinds of stuff, like that...

Anyway, my way of avoiding the crushing guilt I'd feel
for causing an accident
is just not driving. 

The last "accident" video I saw
was a guy put his truck on cruise control
so he could watch tik tok videos
and ended up slamming into vehicles
that were stopped at a red light.

Resulting in 5 deaths.

Driving isn't a right, it's a privilege, for one.
One that comes with certain responsibilities.

And he did admit he "looked over for 2 seconds"
before the crash. 

2 seconds is all it takes.

Of not watching wtf you're doing... 

AND SAME GOES FOR RUINING
ANY FORM OF A FRIENDSHIP OR ANYTHING.

IF YOU DON'T WATCH WTF YOU ARE DOING...
YOU RISK FKING IT UP.
PERMANENTLY.

AND IF YOU DIDN'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN,
SHOULD HAVE WATCHED WTF YOU WERE DOING.
RIGHT?

JUST BECAUSE IT TOOK A FKN LOT
FOR ME TO FINALLY WALK AWAY

DOESN'T MEAN I WASN'T GOING TO.
AT SOME POINT, RIGHT?

AND THEN CHANGE YOUR MIND?
AFTER I DON'T GAF ANYMORE?

TOO LATE FOR THAT!

Should have thought about that before they did xyz.

WHY DID I STOP GIVING A FK?

AND GET MAD AT ME BECAUSE I STOPPED?

WHY THOUGH?

ANY REASONS, I HAD?
THAT YOU GAVE ME?

Shouldn't have given me any reason to.
Just that.

Lost my respect? A reason!
How can I respect being lied to?

Taken for granted...

Trying to "break" me...

Why would I have any respect for that?

And if they cared so much about how that looks on them....
Maybe they shouldn't have been about it, right?

Wear it with "pride" fkers.

BUT DON'T EXPECT MY RESPECT
BECAUSE YOU DON'T GET IT LIKE THAT.
YOU LOSE IT LIKE THAT.

LOSING MY RESPECT IS ON THEM.

BECAUSE THEY GAVE ME REASONS.
XYZ WAS THE REASON.

THEY KNOW THEY DID IT
INTENTIONALLY.

THEY KNOW THAT I KNOW THEY DID IT
INTENTIONALLY.

NO DANCING AROUND THAT.
TRUTH'S TRUTH.

AND WHY SHOULD I SUGARCOAT IT?
TO "PROTECT" ANYONE'S "REPUTATION"?

IF HE WANTED ME TO LOOK AT HIM
THE WAY I USED TO...

HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT SH*T.

HOT AND COLD WITH ME
BECAUSE OF PEOPLE
WHO WERE NEVER WORTH IT ANYWAY.

WHO BETRAY THEM IN A HEART BEAT.

BUT I WAS LOYAL, RIGHT?

EVER WONDER WHY THAT WAS?
MAYBE THE KIND OF PERSON I AM.

BUT FK THAT UP, AND IT WAS YOU WHO DID, NOT ME.

YOU FK IT UP WITH SOMEONE
WHO WAS THERE FOR YOU...

IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT
THAT THEY WERE THERE FOR YOU.

CAN DENY IT, BUT THEY WERE.

AND GO AROUND, TELL EVERYONE WHY I'M NOT,
ANYMORE.

I WON'T LIE TO ANYONE ABOUT WHAT THEY DID.

AND DGAF WHAT ANYONE SAYS TO WHO
ABOUT ME NOT TAKING ANYONE'S SH*T.

THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES.
SIDEWAYS
WITH A SURFBOARD

WITH CRAZY GLUE
AND SAND FOR LUBE...


Someone sent me an attachment in facebook messenger.
I've been ignoring it.

Because they don't talk to me, just send stuff to me.

IGNORING THE FACT SHE TOLD ME TO LEAVE
THEN WANTED ME TO STAY
WHEN SHE ALREADY TOLD ME TO LEAVE
AND I WANTED TO LEAVE.

AND SHE TRIED TO CONTROL ME
ON THE WAY OUT
AND I REFUSED TO LET HER.

BECAUSE SHE SHOULD HAVE JUST
LET ME GO.

It feels like her trying to get my attention
WITHOUT CARING HOW I FEEL
ABOUT ANYTHING.

SHE'D ASKED ME TO LOOK AFTER HER CATS
WHICH I WAS STILL GOING TO DO, FOR HER
BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD DO THAT...

"I WANT MY KEYS BACK."
OKAY. YOUR KEYS.

But after that, she hasn't really spoken to me
and I'm okay with that
because she's really controlling and manipulative
and I don't jive with it. I resent it.

Her wanting her keys back was trying to make me
feel bad for leaving
even though she told me to...

And I wanted to, anyway...

Holding resentments to myself...

She sent something over facebook a week or so ago
but I'm ignoring it.

Because I'm not getting sucked back into it.

So many people have been so damn selfish
and have taken me for granted
that I don't want to be around any of them, really.

Why? So they can ignore me to my face, 
BLOCK ME WHEN I CALL THEM OUT
ON SOMETHING
AND MAKE A POINT?

DISMISS ME?

YOU ALREADY DISMISSED ME, TWICE.

OR IN SOME CASES, MORE THAN TWICE....

AND TO BE NICE, I KEPT GIVING CHANCES
THAT I NEVER HAD TO GIVE ANYONE
FOR TREATING ME THE WAY THEY DID.

YOU CAN'T MAKE IT ABOUT SOMEONE
ABANDONING YOU
IF YOU PUSH THEM AWAY.

AND THEN AFTER YOU PUSH THEM AWAY
MISS SOMETHING ABOUT THEM...

LIKE THEIR LOYALTY? LOL.

But just send an attachment like that never happened?

It's insulting not to face anything
and just jokingly send something
that has nothing to do with why

WE HAVEN'T BEEN TALKING.

AND IF THEY CAN SHOW ME
THEY DON'T CARE

I CAN SHOW THEM I DON'T, EITHER.

ESPECIALLY IF THEY FEEL ENTITLED TO MY ATTENTION
AFTER DISMISSING ME.

She had "someone else" to watch her cats, so okay.
Why ask me, then?

Obviously she has "other friends" so why 
WANT MY LOYALTY BACK?

Because you miss something about me?

THE THINGS YOU WEREN'T THINKING ABOUT
AND WEREN'T THINKING OF ME
AS A PERSON, THOUGH.

AS SOMEONE WHO WAS THERE FOR YOU
BECAUSE I CARED ENOUGH TO BE
NOT BECAUSE I HAD TO BE.

BUT SHE WAS "USING" ME.

BECAUSE WHEN I SAID NO
TO HER REQUESTS SHE GOT MAD.

LIKE BORROWING MONEY.

SHE HASN'T ASKED IN A LONG TIME, NOW
MAYBE SHE REALIZED I NEVER HAD TO.

I'D HOPE SO.

BUT SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.
IF THEY "GET WHAT THEY WANT"
WHY SHOULD THEY?

IT'S ONLY WHEN THEY STOP
GETTING WHAT THEY WANT

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY?
ACTING LIKE THAT?

"BUT I STILL WANT TO BE FRIENDS."

SHE STILL WANTS WHATEVER SHE THINKS
SHE CAN GET FROM ME.

THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS.

SHOULDN'T HAVE DISMISSED ME, THEN.

AND SHE DID IT TO ME, BEFORE, TOO.

SO MUCH FOR BEING APPRECIATED
BY MY FRIENDS, EH?

I'D RATHER NOT HAVE ANY.

I have a few, but I'd rather not have any
if people are going to try to be like that, with me.

Like "only my friend" to get xyz from me.
Fk off with that.

I'd rather not be around anyone.

And nobody can accuse me of wanting anything
but to be left tf alone 99.9% of the time...

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'D EVER TREAT ME
LIKE I'M ONLY GOOD FOR XYZ.

BORROWING MONEY, LOYATY, ETC.

BEING THERE, CARING.

BEING THERE, CARING, 
SHOULD HAVE BEEN EVERYTHING.

IT'S ONLY EVERYTHING
WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.

BUT ANYONE TELLING THE TRUTH
ABOUT WHY I'M NOT, NOW?

"SHE DOESN'T LIKE BEING CONTROLLED
AND I WAS TRYING TO CONTROL HER."

"SHE WASN'T TRYING TO CONTROL ME
SHE WANTED ME TO CONTROL MYSELF
NOT TO TRY TO CONTROL HER"

2 REASONS.

And when she thought she could control me
and couldn't
because I'm not letting her do that anymore...

SHE LOST THE POWER SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD.

WANTING THE BARE MIN
FROM EVERYONE... AT THE VERY LEAST

WASN'T ME TRYING TO CONTROL THEM. 

BECAUSE THAT WAS UP TO THEM.
WHETHER THEY'D TREAT ME RIGHT, OR NOT.

TREAT ME WRONG, I FORGIVE YOU, 
DON'T TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED, EITHER.

IT'S ONE THING TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED, 
BUT TO TAKE MY KINDNESS
OR MY FORGIVENESS
FOR GRANTED...?

THE BARE MIN, NOT TO XYZ.
THAT'S IT.

NOT A LOT TO WANT.
SHOULDN'T BE.
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN.
RIGHT?

SO THEN, WHY WAS THAT "SO HARD"
FOR EVERYONE?

OR "TOO HARD"?

BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T GOING TO GET
WHAT THEY WANTED FROM ME?

WHAT WAS I GETTING?
DISMISSED? DISRESPECTED?
INSULTED?

TOSSED?

SO THEN? I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO WANT
TO BE A PART OF THAT?

MORE THAN ANYTHING? LOL.

BE CAREFUL NOT TO "TOSS" THE ONE
YOU "NEEDED."

THE ONE WHO CARED...
WHO ACTUALLY LOVED YOU, EVEN.

BECAUSE YOU NEEDED THAT
MORE THAN YOU REALIZED.

WHOOPS! SHOULDN'T HAVE "TOSSED" THAT.

LOOK FOR IT IN EVERYONE ELSE, THOUGH.

IF YOU EVER FIND THAT, AGAIN, COOL.
IF YOU NEVER DO, 
YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD DONE IT
JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEEN FAIR.
PUT THE SAME INTO IT.
PROTECTED IT.
HONORED IT.

KEPT IT SECRED.

APPRECIATED IT.

FOR WHAT IT WAS....
HAD YOU REALIZED...
WHAT IT WAS....

WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN...

BUT NOPE.
WASTE IT, RUIN IT, BURN IT.

AND LET EVERYONE ELSE
HELP YOU DO IT, TOO.

So isn't it fair to say I'm not the same person I was?
Because of all that sh*t?

People "pretending to be nice to me"
WHEN THEY SO OBVIOUSLY
ARE SELFISH
AND DGAF?

THE MISTAKE IS THEY THINK THAT I AM!
EXACTLY THE SAME PERSON.

THEY COULD JUST TREAT LIKE THAT
AS THOUGH I NEVER SAW THEM
DOING THAT SH*T 
TO MY FACE.

LIKE I'D NEVER SEE IT.
AND JUST KEEP LETTING THEM DO IT.

That's what p*sses me off just as much as
OR MORE THAN

THEM DOING XYZ.

DOING IT LIKE I'D NEVER SEE IT.
WHEN IT'S RIGHT IN MY FACE.

LIKE I'M TOO STUPID TO SEE IT.

INSULTING.

Wouldn't that be insulting, to you?
So why wouldn't it be insulting, to me?

I'd stick around to be insulted?
Excuse me?