A friend came for a visit the last couple of days.
I introduced him to my neighbors,
but it only got them talking...
One neighbor wanted to know
where my friend is from.
It's not hard to tell he's not from
around here.
He's black. I'm white.
Not only am I white,
but my ancesters are from Finland,
some of them, from my father's side.
Ever seen how pale people from Finland are?
I've been out in the sun quite a bit, this year.
So I'm not like... Sheet of paper white lol.
Anyway, lots of people who've seen us together
have had their thoughts, too.
Once, he and I went out to a bar for his birthday...
And one guy, who thought we were together...
He looked at my friend, and looked at me,
and turns to me and says:
"I feel bad for you."
I couldn't figure out what he was talking about,
for a while...
He'd looked at my friend's "junk"
as though he thought that's "why"
we were "together."
And there are guys "talking"
and saying he wears a "jock strap."
He doesn't.
He has a "big package."
I don't look at it.
I don't want to "see his junk."
Not even out of "curiosity."
He's my FRIEND.
THAT'S IT.
So I don't know what all was said...
My neighbor wouldn't say.
He only said that one female turned to him
and said:
"Looks like you lost your fishing partner."
Just because I had a friend over for a weekend?
I told my neighbor:
"They only talk because they have nothing better to do.
OR THEY'D BE DOING IT."
He told them that they should mind their own business.
They are lucky I even introduced my friend to them.
I didn't have to.
But I didn't want him to think
that I was trying to hide him or whatever.
He and I are opposites in a lot of ways.
He's black, I'm white.
He's male, I'm female.
He's 67, I'm 41...
But he's "pretty"
and he gets called a female, a lot...
Well, he looks so much like his mother...
I've seen pictures...
And he has both his ears pierced...
So people assume whatever based on
that and other little things...
So we had just gotten ice cream at the stadium
and he wanted to smoke a cigarette
before we lit up a joint...
I didn't know that I had a lighter the whole time...
We found a "cigar store" and got a lighter from there...
As we were leaving the store...
"Thank you, ladies!"
LADIES.
It's alright when I'm called "lady"
or "ma'am" or "miss"
BUT HE TURNED TO ME AFTER,
AND SAID:
"I'M GLAD YOU WERE HERE FOR THAT.
IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME
BUT NOBODY BELIEVES ME."
After he got back home he said
he's thinking about growing back his
goatee.
When I had my head shaved,
some people called me sir.
Like "females have long hair"
type of thing.
So they thought I was a dude.
I still have boobs, though.
Kinda hard to miss that detail.
But at the same time, I dress like a dude often.
Because guy clothes are comfortable.
Guys think "yoga pants" or whatever
when they think of chick clothes...
Naw, loose pants...
WEARING BOXERS UNDERNEATH.
BECAUSE WHO WANTS TO DEAL WITH
PANTIES TRYNA BE UP YOUR @SS?
Those chicks who wear thongs..
I couldn't.
Like wearing a freaking wedgy.
Speaking of thongs....
Pride week's coming up.
AGAIN, I DGAF WHO'S G@Y
AND WHO ISN'T...
LIKE I'VE BEEN SAYING...
ALL ALONG...
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!!
If you're proud to be g@y, good for you!
Never said you shouldn't be.
Never said much other than
IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
The only thing that BUGS me, personally...
IS THAT HAVING A PARADE
IS LIKE TRYING TO FORCE PEOPLE
TO HAVE TO SEE IT.
And I live in a "g@y village".
A HUGE CHUNK OF THE STREET
IS GOING TO BE BLOCKED OFF
LIKELY AT LEAST ALL WEEKENED
FOR THE PRIDE WEEK STUFF...
Like: "Cool, you're comfortable enough
with your g@y self to wear xyz..."
THAT, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH.
IT'S THAT IF YOU EXPECT TO BE
"PRAISED" FOR IT,
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
I DON'T "PRAISE" IT.
ONLY BECAUSE KINDS UNDER THE LEGAL AGE
CAN SEE THIS "STUFF"
AND MAYBE WHEN COPS
HAVE TO "WARN" PEOPLE
ABOUT THEIR "OUTFITS"
NOT BEING "ENOUGH"
TO COVER "PARTS OF THEIR BODY"
THAT WE ALL SHOULD BE COVERING
AND NOT EXPOSING,
IN PUBLIC...
THAT'S WHEN I HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.
I'VE NEVER SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT JUST BEING G@Y.
NOT MY BUSINESS.
It's fine to be g@y.
BUT PARADING AROUND...
FINE....
BUT DO KIDS NEED TO BE SEEING IT?!
ADULTS CAN "HANDLE IT."
AND IF THEY DON'T WANT TO "SEE IT."
THEY DON'T HAVE TO "LOOK AT IT."
BUT KIDS...
JUST BEING "THERE"
NOT REALLY KNOWING...
ARE SUBJECTED TO IT.
THAT'S DIFFERENT
FROM AN ADULT'S CHOICE
NOT TO "LOOK AT IT."
And I know THAT is going to "offend" people.
I'm not saying it to "p*ss people off."
I'm saying it because it's true.
That "culture"
and a lot to do with it
ISN'T MEANT FOR KIDS.
SO WHY "SHOULD" THEY "HAVE TO" SEE IT?
THAT'S THE ONLY THING I'LL EVER SAY
ABOUT IT, PERIOD.
Like... Imagine being NEW TO CANADA
FROM A COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T HAVE THAT?!
AND YOU THINK: "PARADE!"
AND YOU TAKE YOUR KID TO IT...
THINKING: "PARADE!"
TO UNKNOWINGLY TAKE YOUR KID
TO THAT KIND OF A PARADE
THAT ISN'T FOR KIDS.
AND YOU DON'T SEE STRAIGHT PEOPLE
PARADING AROUND ABOUT
BEING STRAIGHT.
And then there'll be arguments
about how there are plenty of "holidays"
for straight people etc...
BUT ARE STRAIGHT PEOPLE
FINING ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT
A "STRAIGHT" PARADE?
AND IF STRAIGHT PEOPLE WANTED TO HAVE
A "STRAIGHT S3X" PARADE OR SOMETHING
SIMILAR TO A G@Y PARADE...
JUST AS FLAMBOYANT,
IT WOULD PROBABLY ANNOY
OR EVEN ANGER THE LGBTQ+ COMMUNITY.
Probably everything I've said about it
NOT BEING MY BUSINESS....
AND NOT FOR KIDS....
CAN EVEN ANGER SOMEONE
ENOUGH FOR THEM TO TRY TO ATTACK ME
FOR SAYING IT.
I NEVER SAID ANYONE SHOULD
"STOP BEING G@Y."
IT'S THEIR PREFERENCE.
IT'D BE LIKE IF THEY TRIED TELLING ME
TO STOP BEING STRAIGHT...
RIGHT?
AND IT'S MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO BE
STRAIGHT, RIGHT?
And although I should have "freedom of speech."
Even enough freedom to say:
"It's not for kids."
Like, as an adult, adults can choose
"not to look at it."
BECAUSE THAT IS THEIR CHOICE.
Adults can decide to "stay home"
during the "festivities"....
Away from where they know it'll be... Right?
But in the case of the NEW Canadian...
TOTAL CULTURE SHOCK...
ALMOST A BOMBARDMENT.
LIKE GETTING GLITTER DUST
BLOWN INTO YOUR EYES LOL...
Pretty sure at least one of my friends
is a "closet" g@y guy...
He's questioned himself since he was a kid.
I met him as a kid...
Well, he was like 10 years old or so when I met him.
I met his Grandfather first, his father's father,
then, his father, then his mother, then him...
He lived in the same building as me...
With his mother...
His mother was dating one of my friends...
Anyway, he's said a lot of things
none of my straight guy friends would say...
Makes d*ck jokes lol...
But he's been trying to convince himself
that he's into chicks...
Anyway, I never "made him feel bad"
about any of his "inclinations..."
He said something to my friend about it
when he was a kid
and my friend was trying to do the
"step dad" thing...
My friend had said something "discouraging" about it.
Probably because he hadn't been
"ready to accept" his choices...
And he'd been a kid at the time, too.
So I think my friend just thought
maybe he was "confused" or something...
So, he'd always had some feminine qualities.
Which is why some guys
think my friend (who I went out with last weekend)
is a female...
Probably thinking:
"A STRIGHT MALE WOULDN'T XYZ..."
WEAR TWO EARINGS, IF ANY
(AS AN EXAMPLE).
My friend who was here... When he was here...
He said one thing he's always liked about me
is that I'm a "tom boy."
Something about how it's been
easier to get along with me...
Because of it...
I'm not really a "girlie" girl.
Any time I ever "tried" being feminine...
Either stuff happened because I'm a female
that made me feel uncomfortable
being a female
because it happened just for being one.
Or just some weird expectation was put on me.
Like that time that guy had wine
and asked me if I wanted to drink with him.
IF HE HAD SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT HIS INTENTIONS
IT'D HAVE BEEN A SOLID NO.
BUT HE ASKED ME BECAUSE I'M A FEMALE.
AND BECAUSE OF BEING FEMALE
HE EXPECTED TO BE
"COMPENSATED"
"S3XU@LLY."
WTF?
HE LITERALLY DROPPED HIS PANTS
IN FRONT OF ME
WITH PEOPLE WALKING BY.
YOU THINK I WAS EXPECTING THAT?
IF I WAS, I WOULDN'T HAVE
GONE WITH THE GUY.
LET ALONE DRANK WITH HIM.
WHO'D BE COMFORTABLE
BEING A FEMALE
BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
JUST FOR BEING ONE?
WOULD HE HAVE TRIED THAT SH*T
IF I WAS A DUDE?
PROBABLY NOT!
THE LAST DUDE
WHO SHOWED ME HIS PEEN....
IF I'D BEEN A DUDE,
I KNOW HE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT!!!!
But, maybe all these BS things...
Made me "disassociate" with being a "female."
EVEN THOUGH I AM ONE.
And maybe "deep down"
I don't "resonate" with certain things
that most females are "into."
If they like that stuff, they can have it...
It's just not for me.
My friend, who stayed with me,
he's much more "feminine" than I am.
More "graceful," even.
He puts up with me.
That's why we've been friends for a long time.
We see "eye to eye" in most ways.
The ways that matter.
Never had anything to fight or argue about.
My neighbor, last night,
he was trying to give me "fresh weed" to put
in my pipe because I was smoking roaches.
I was trying to tell him, I'd still get "high"
smoking roaches...
He was like: "I don't want to argue with you."
I just don't like "wasting" weed.
I mean, it shouldn't matter "fresh weed"
or roaches,
but if you've got roaches, why not smoke them first?
And save the "fresh weed"?
Hard to get anyone to "think" about
the way I think.
I think about how people think...
Usually....
Especially after so many WTF moments...
Some of the thinking...
Even though I don't think like that....
I can kind of "understand" it to an extent...
NOT THAT I WANT TO BE ABLE TO...
Some of the thinking, though...
I just won't ever "understand"
not even partially...
IS IT "BETTER" TO BE ABLE TO
"UNDERSTAND" SOME OF IT?
AND NOT WANT TO?
OR NOT WANT TO AND JUST NOT?
BECAUSE AT LEAST YOU
"PARTIALLY UNDERSTAND"?
OR THE MORE YOU "UNDERSTAND"
THE WORSE YOU LOOK AT IT?
Like dissociation type of stuff...
I understand it because I do it.
Whether I actively do it,
or been doing it so long
that it's the first thing I do...
Without really thinking about it,
I just do it.
Maybe a "part" of me is actually
"masculine."
Like ways I'm a "tom boy"
is just actually me, as a person...
Hard to explain that.
Had I not had to "deal with"
so many wtf moments
for being a female,
maybe I'd feel more comfortable as one.
With those "girlie" things...
I dunno...
I met a kid... I knew his Uncle...
I was at their place, the uncle
was staying with the kid's parents,
the uncle, the father's brother...
Step-father...
Anyway, the kid had baked cupcakes.
Offered me one. I took one.
He said something like: "I like baking."
His uncle: "Baking's for girls."
The kid looked deflated hearing his uncle say that.
So I told the kid that baking's for everyone.
Not just for girls.
And told the kid not to let anyone
"make him" feel "bad"
about something he likes to do.
(I meant within reason... Baking's pretty harmless).
He seemed to feel better, in the moment.
Nobody knew what to say when I told him that
so it was kind of "awkwardly silent."
What a sh*tty thing to do, though...
"Baking's for girls..." Da fuq?
My Grandmother came from a family of 15 kids
and one of her brothers was a baker.
People used to line up for his baked goods.
PROBABLY DIDN'T CARE A MAN BAKED IT.
PROBABLY ONLY CARED ABOUT WHAT?
QUALITY!
AROUND THE TIME
WOMEN WERE JUST BEING ACCEPTED
INTO THE CANADIAN ARMY.
AND BECOMING STAFF SERGEANTS.
LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER DID.
MY MOTHER'S UNCLE
HAD HIS OWN BAKERY.
HE SUCCEEDED IN BAKING
TO THE POINT HE HAD ONE.
SOME CHICKS WOULD RATHER CARVE
AND BUILD THAN BAKE,
BUT SOME DUDES WOULD RATHER BAKE
THAN CARVE AND BUILD STUFF...
But to tell a KID THAT....
You can either tell him that "baking's for girls."
OR THAT IF HE REALLY WANTS TO,
HE COULD OWN A BAKERY
SOME DAY.
AND IF HE ENDS UP OWNING A BAKERY
BECAUSE YOU TOLD HIM
THAT HE COULD...
THAT BAKING'S FOR EVERYONE,
NOT JUST GIRLS,
IT'LL PROBABLY BE THE KIND OF BAKERY
PEOPLE LINE UP FOR.
BECAUSE THEY WANT THE QUALITY.
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THAT SHOULD MATTER.
AND IF IT'S SOMETHING
SOMEONE ENJOYS DOING,
IT'LL BE OF QUALITY, PERIOD.
"I LIKE BAKING."
SHOULD BE:
"COOL, MAYBE YOU CAN HAVE YOUR OWN
BAKERY, ONE DAY,
LIKE MY MOTHER'S UNCLE DID."
OR WHATEVER ELSE.
NOT:
"BAKING'S FOR GIRLS."
WHY "DEFLATE" SOMEONE
WHEN THEY SAY THEY LIKE TO DO SOMETHING?
If a dude came up to me and asked me:
"Can you teach me how to knit? Or crochet?"
Sure!
I'd just hope it wasn't a ploy.
There was a guy who asked me
if I lived alone before he asked me
if he could charge his phone at my place...
THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER PLACES
TO CHARGE YOUR PHONE.
WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE AT MY PLACE?
WHY DO I NEED TO BE LIVING ALONE?
PLOYS P*SS ME OFF.
IF INTENT DIDN'T NEED TO BE
"HIDDEN"
PLOYS WOULDN'T BE "NEEDED", RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY THEY P*SS ME OFF.
PLOYS ARE TO PUSH AN AGENDA.
Like when that female invited herself
on the "coffee run"
it was a ploy to talk to him.
Because that would have happened
naturally, instead of inviting herself.
We were going together, (not going out)
just going somewhere together,
she knew as much because she saw us
walking together...
And just couldn't seem to be able to stand
that I had his attention enough to
go anywhere with me...
And if she invited herself,
she'd have a reason to join us,
even though it wasn't about joining us.
BECAUSE SHE BARELY SAID
ANYTHING TO ME.
AND WHEN I WAS TALKING TO HIM,
SHE'D INTERUPT...
INVITING HERSELF WAS A PLOY.
I'D RATHER NOT BE INVITED
THAN TO INVITE MYSELF.
TO ANYTHING.
Whenever I saw them together, I'd let them talk.
He'd say hi to me, if I was passing by,
I'd stop and say hi, back...
A few words in passing, and I'd leave it at that.
I didn't and wouldn't
INVITE MYSELF INTO THEIR CONVERSATION
OR THEIR TIME TOGETHER.
AND I WOULDN'T FEEL "JEALOUS" ABOUT IT.
I USED TO FEEL JEALOUSY STUFF...
NOT AROUND THEM, SPECIFICALLY...
IN GENERAL.
I WAS INSECURE.
I STILL HAVE SOME INSECURITIES,
BUT THOSE JEALOUSY FEELINGS...
I DON'T FEEL THOSE ANYMORE.
AND THAT FEELS GREAT.
THE MORE ACCEPTANCE I'VE HAD
FOR A LOT OF THINGS,
THE MORE SECURE I'VE FELT.
A lot of the ways I used to feel,
that I don't anymore...
I never liked feeling like that...
And feelings... They carry vibes.
Those jealousy feelings...
Carry vibes that people don't like.
I'm not hanging out with the guy
to "make" anyone "jealous."
He's an easy guy to get along with.
I think he's been that way
because he "likes" me.
I've been trying to "curb" that
by showing him I'll still "hang out"
"as friends."
But just not interested in dating someone
old enough to be my father, for one,
and guys who just look at me like "a female"
without getting to know me as "a person"
aren't really going to "know" me
on any kind of "inner level."
They'll know some things about me,
facts about me,
but when it comes to knowing me,
as "a person" they will think they know me,
but even as open as I've been, writing,
I reserve a lot of myself.
Certain parts of me.
THAT NOBODY GETS TO SEE.
WHY SHOULD THEY GET TO?
DO I OWE THAT TO THEM?
TO ANYONE?
NO!
IF I OWE IT TO ANYONE,
IT'S ME. I OWE MYSELF.
FOR ALLOWING AS MUCH AS I DID,
BEFORE I REALIZED
I NEVER HAD TO.
I WANTED TO SHOW PEOPLE...
I THOUGHT THAT IF THEY COULD SEE,
REALLY SEE ME,
THEY'D UNDERSTAND ME,
FOR ONCE.
AND THAT THERE WOULDN'T BE
ANY BS.
BUT WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE
IS THAT SOME OF THE PEOPLE
WHO DID "SEE ME"
WEREN'T LIKING WHAT THEY "SAW"
BECAUSE IT "MADE" THEM FEEL
SOME TYPE OF WAY
ABOUT THEMSELF...
WHICH SHOULDN'T BE MY CONCERN.
Because... Should any of MY insecurities
BE THEIR CONCERN?
No? Then why should their insecurities
be MY concern?
YET THERE ARE PEOPLE
WHO WILL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO CAUSE "ISSUES" FOR YOU
THAT SHOULDN'T BE "ISSUES."
IF THEY WENT ABOUT THEIR
OWN LIFE...
Anyway, my neighbor and I can do stuff
as neighbors, as friends
and there shouldn't be
anything "wrong" with that.
It's just that I'm trying to "curb"
any "hopes" or whatever
that are not going to happen
in the "love" or "romance" department.
For the first time, in years and years and years
I'm way MORE THAN OKAY
WITH BEING SINGLE.
I GET TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS.
IF I WANT TO GO FOR WALKS
WITH MY FRIENDS,
I CAN DO THAT.
IF I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THEM
AND GO DO STUFF,
LIKE CATCH A FILM
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
CHILL ON MY BALCONY...
I CAN DO THAT.
WITHOUT ANY JEALOUSY
OR POSSESSIVENESS.
AND BS LIKE THAT.
IF I WAS WITH A GUY, DATING...
AND HE GOT WEIRD ABOUT MY FRIENDS...
THAT'D BE WEIRD, TO ME.
I'D WANT HIM TO CHILL WITH MY FRIENDS AND I.
JUST THAT I'VE HAD FRIENDS
WHO SECRETLY LIKED ME AS MORE THAN A FRIEND
NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT
WANTING TO TRY TO GET ME "AWAY"
FROM "DATING" SOMEONE
TO TRY TO HAVE ME TO THEMSELVES.
I've had that type of sh*t happen.
Like getting jealous because they saw me as
some sort of "conquest"
like eventually I'd want MORE than friends
or something....
AND THEY KEPT ME AS A FRIEND
FOR THAT REASON.
NOT BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY SAW ME
AS A FRIEND.
Two of my male friends said they want me
to get a place with them.
LOOK HOW WELL THAT WENT
WITH MIRROR SMASHER.
AND I WAS GIVING HIM A PLACE
TO GET F*CKING CLEAN IN.
THAT WAS THE PURPOSE, THERE.
BUT YEAH, THE TOPIC ABOUT MOVING IN,
TOGETHER, CAME UP...
AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS,
I DON'T KNOW WTF TO SAY
BECAUSE I KINDA LIKE HAVING PRIVACY.
I KINDA LIKE HAVING TIME ALONE,
EVEN JUST TO WRITE,
OR THINK...
It's flattering to a degree, though,
because they wouldn't bring it up to someone
THEY DIDN'T LIKE OR TRUST.
IT'S JUST AFTER A WEEKEND
OR AN AFTERNOON TOGETHER,
I TEND TO... DRAW INWARDS...
LIVING TOGETHER, YOU'RE AROUND EACH OTHER
ALL THE TIME.
HARDLY ANY TIME TO YOURSELF.
AND WHEN YOU WANT TO HAVE TIME
FOR YOURSELF,
SOME PEOPLE TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY...
Anyway, hard to be like:
"I get your reasons why you're thinking about it
and why you're bringing it up, but..."
As a single person, you pretty much...
It's hard being able to afford stuff on your own.
But at the same time, I don't like depending on anyone.
Because so many times, I couldn't.
I should have been able to, but still couldn't.
I've seen some seemingly healthy situations
turn extremely toxic
and both people stayed in it
due to codependance stuff.
I'd rather be completely on my own
than be in anything "complicated"
and it's only "complicated"
because it was made to be that way...
and only as an "excuse" to keep it that way.
EVEN WHEN YOU WANT IT TO BE BETTER.
BUT WHY STAY WITH ANYONE
WHO ONLY WANTS TO ARGUE?
WHO CAN'T SEEM TO JUST
HAVE A CONVERSATION?
WHO ASSUMES YOU'RE
"PLAYING GAMES"
BECAUSE YOU KEPT FORGIVING THEIR BS...
JUST BECAUSE YOU DID
DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD HAVE TO.
AT ALL. EVER HAVE HAD TO...
LET ALONE KEEP HAVING TO?
FUQ DAT.
AND IF THEY DON'T LIKE IT
AND THAT "MAKES THEM MAD"
THEY CAN GO FUQ THEMSELVES.
SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.
DRY.
WITH SUPERGLUE AND SAND AS LUBE
FOR ALL I CARE.
Just "funny" how someone tells me they have FOMO
and they used it as an excuse
to be about all kinds of BS....
NEVER USED IT AS A REASON
TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE OFFER ACTUALLY WAS.
AND HAD WE TALKED ABOUT THAT,
AND OTHER THINGS...
MAYBE HE'D HAVE REALIZED A LOT OF THINGS.
THAT HE COULD HAVE,
BUT NOT MY JOB TO
"MAKE HIM REALIZE."
IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO,
HIMSELF,
EVEN WITH FOMO,
FEAR OF MISSING OUT...
ON?
EVERYTHING HE FORFEITED...
WHO AM I TO "FORCE" THAT?
DON'T WANT THE SAME THINGS?
COOL. BETTER TO KNOW. RIGHT?
DON'T WANT TO BE MATURE?
COOL. BETTER TO KNOW.
DON'T WANT TO APPRECIATE ME?
HAVING ME IN YOUR LIFE?
BETTER. TO. KNOW.
Just bugs me that they "realize"
everything I was doing for them,
AND WHY
AFTERWARD.
IF THEY EVER EVEN THINK
ABOUT IT.
SURE AS HELL DIDN'T
WHEN I WAS THERE, THOUGH.
OR?
I'D HAVE HAD A DIFFERENT RESULT?
AND I WASN'T DOING ANY OF IT FOR
A RESULT.
THE RESULTS ARE SUPPOSED TO
COME AND SHOW
FOR GENUINE EFFORT.
BUT NOT EVERYONE YOU
"KEEP IT REAL WITH"
WILL DO THE SAME "FOR" YOU.
AND THAT BITES.
AND IT SHOWS, THOUGH.
AND GOES TO SHOW.
EVEN IN THAT CASE,
IF YOU WERE BEING GENUINE,
NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT.
IF YOU DID YOUR BEST,
WHEN OTHERS WEREN'T "FOR" YOU.
I STILL WOULD HAVE LIKED IT IF
BEING "REAL" WAS ALL YOU NEEDED TO BE...
JUST THAT EVEN THOUGH
BEING "REAL" SHOULD COME
"NATURALLY"
FOR SOME PEOPLE, IT DOESN'T.
AND FOR THEM, IT'S NOT LIKE
THEY CAN TEACH THAT TO YOU...
IF YOU'VE HAD PEOPLE LIKE THAT, IN YOUR LIFE,
LIKE ALL YOU'VE EVER HAD...
IT'S EASY TO ASSUME EVERYONE'S LIKE THAT.
AND EASY TO BE LIKE THAT,
IF THAT'S ALL YOU KNOW...
IF THAT'S ALL YOU SAW...
GROWING UP...
THAT'S NOT "GROWING UP" THOUGH.
GROWING UP IS LEARNING
NOT TO BE LIKE THAT.
AS HARD AS THAT CONCEPT IS.
FOR PEOPLE LIKE MIRROR SMASHER...
I'VE SEEN A LOT OF BS, TOO.
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO BE "LIKE THAT."
HE WANTED TO TRY TO ACT LIKE
WE DIDN'T COME FROM THE SAME PLACES.
SEEMS TO "FORGET" WHERE I CAME "FROM."
LIKE "ENTITLED TO" ACT "HOWEVER"
BECAUSE OF HIS PAST OR WHATEVER.
I HAVE ONE, TOO.
DOESN'T MEAN I NEED TO BE
OR HAVE TO BE
OR SHOULD BE
ACTING "LIKE THAT."
ALL BECAUSE I "COULD BE"
BECAUSE XYZ "HAPPENED TO ME"
IF I USED EVERY LITTLE FKN THING
THAT EVER "HAPPENED TO ME"
AS AN EXCUSE
TO BE XYZ...
I COULD, RIGHT? SO COULD EVERYONE...
DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD!!!!!!!!!!
I SAW TWO PEOPLE ZOMBIFIED TODAY.
DEFINITELY "ON SOMETHING."
TRIPPING RIGHT OUT.
IT'S CRAZY.
My neighbor was saying that in sme countries,
they give you a choice,
either get help or they sh00t you...
One chick, saw her from the balcony...
Another dude, we were sitting out front
and a guy was tweaking tf out...
He almost fell.
The construction guys... Their saw wasn't working
for most of today...
They finally got it going so they could cut the final pieces.
When they are done that side,
we can sit where we usually do...
My neighbor showed me where we are supposed to smoke...
Around the back, but...
People prefer the front, I guess.
Even though there is a back "yard"
for the building....
A couple of blocks away, there's a park
and a lot of people chill, there.
Around noon, it was crazy.
It's supposed to be scorching until
the end of next week or so...
At least for this heat wave...
Bananas.
It was like 48C today.
With the humidex...
If it didn't get so humid here,
we'd get a "dry heat"...
We had a breeze today,
but it was blowing the heat around lol.
My neighbor asked me if I'd take a walk with him.
He wanted to show me the place that sells
used a/c's.
It was closed, but at least I know where it is.
We passed the place where the greyhound bus station
used to be.
Nothing there, but a pit.
He said that the land's already been bought
by developers.
It's just that the own the land, now,
but they have to take responsibility
for the contamination of the land,
even if they weren't the ones who did it.
I'm having a hard time with remembering how he put it,
but what he said was that they had gotten fined
because that station also had a garage, there...
All those buses ran on dielsel...
Diesel's not the greatest for the environment.
Greyhound went "bankrupt" before covid.
Pretty sure it was either before or because of
Covid.
Anyway, all that's left, there,
is a gaping "pit" filled with water.
Contaminated water, likely.
And before they build anything, on that land,
that pit has to get filled.
Just weird seeing that's all that's left, there.
He was saying that there's enough room
to build at least 3 30 foot towers, there.
A building, the size of this one has around 420 units.
A taller building, would have more units...
They could put around 2k in there,
on that corner.
Crazy to think about,
but they wouldn't be "affordable" homes.
Think about $2,000/month...
And times that by 2k units...
They'd have to invest so much money
into that property
before even getting to build anything, there...
They have had to have, already.
Just buying that property...
Then the taxes on it, alone...
For however long it'd take
to just START building on it...
That chick who called my neighbor a traitor
was talking to him, like that never happened...
She won't look at me, though.
Fine by me, just is weird.
People seem to switch up, here.
Don't know why.
Just weird how some people "react"
to me just being "around."
Especially if they want anyone to
"react" to me in the way
THEY WANT THEM TO.
I'VE HAD PEOPLE DOING THAT TO ME, TOO.
"I'VE SEEN HIM DO XYZ...
I WOULDN'T XYZ...
HE'S LIKE XYZ..."
CAN I MAKE UP MY OWN MIND?
IT'S USUALLY GUYS WHO WANT MY TIME
SAYING THAT TO ME
ABOUT SOMEONE
SO THAT I WON'T
"STRAY"
AND START HANGING OUT
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
I DON'T LIKE THAT SH*T.
THEY CAN HAVE THEIR OPINIONS,
BUT USUALLY A REASON
THEY WANT ME
TO HAVE THAT OPINION, TOO.
"IF SHE THINKS XYZ ABOUT HIM,
SHE'LL LOOK AT HIM LIKE XYZ..."
AND THEY "PLANT SEEDS."
I HAD THAT DONE, TO ME, TOO.
"SHE'S XYZ..."
WHO'D KNOW FOR SURE?
HOW'D THEY KNOW?
THEY HAD TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO
KNOW.
OR FIND OUT
THEY WERE BS LIES...
TO "STOP" THEM
FROM "WANTING TO"
"KNOW."
FKD IF I CARE.
ANYONE WHO'D BELIEVE THAT SH*T...
WHY WOULD I WANT TO
"LET THEM IN"?
I MEAN, GONNA BE MORE LOYAL
TO SOMEONE WHO'D LIE
TO "HIDE" SOMEONE'S POTENTIAL?
BUT WHATEVER, THEY CAN KEEP
THEIR "EXCUSES"
WHOEVER "LIED" TO ME.
YOU CHOSE TO LISTEN TO THEM!
AND MAYBE A REASON
THEY WANTED YOU TO?!
STILL CHOSE TO, THOUGH.
BECAUSE WHAT?
DIDN'T HAVE TO!
COULD HAVE REALIZED
THERE WERE REASONS
THEY SAID WHAT THEY SAID.
PEOPLE TRYING TO TALK ABOUT ME
AS THOUGH THEY KNOW ME, LOL.
MAYBE THERE ARE REASONS THEY DON'T?
WHY WOULD I WANT ANYONE
WHO DOES THAT SH*T,
WHO WOULD DO THAT SH*T
TO KNOW ME?
BUT DOES ANYONE WHO LISTENS
TO THAT SH*T
THINK ABOUT THAT?
NOPE.
EVEN THE ONES WHO TELL YOU
THEY HAVE FOMO.
WELL, YOUR "FOMO" ISN'T REAL FOMO
IF YOU HAVEN'T CONSIDERED
THE THINGS YOU COULD BE
MISSING OUT ON,
AND WHY...
HAVEN'T EVEN CONSIDERED ENOUGH
TO THINK ABOUT
WHAT THEY HAVEN'T BEEN
CONSIDERING.
MISSED OUT ON A LOT, THERE.
But is it my job to tell them, that?
Among the things
I was already trying to tell them
AND WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH
TO THEM
HAD THEY NOT REFUSED TO
"HEAR IT."
BUT LISTEN TO THE BS ALWAYS, THOUGH.
Why'd I want that "in my life"?
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