Rained Out

My building was supposed to have a BBQ today, 
but it was raining. 

And our "rain date" might be rainy, too. 

So we might not get the BBQ this year.

One guy... He openly admitted
that he puts peanut butter on his hot dogs...

He says it's because he can't stand the taste
of the hot dog...

THEN WHY EAT THEM AT ALL?

LOL! If it tastes so bad
that you "have to" put peanut butter on it...

Why eat it?

I haven't been eating hot dogs, 
probably because I've eaten so many, in my life, 
that I can't even force myself
to make them seem "appealing", to me...

So I just don't eat them.

If I was so broke and that's all I could afford, 
I'd probably "have to" eat them, 

but mustard, mayo, onions, whatever...

Should be enough to "mask" any "taste"
of the hot dog itself... 

Not a fan of hot dog buns, to be honest.

First, white bread kinda
tastes like "air," to me.

I used to dislike "brown bread."

I dated someone who dislikes "white bread."
While we lived together, I slowly started
"developing a taste" for "brown bread."

To me, it actually has a "taste."
And it's more "filling."

Anyway, my family's been
into eating "white bread"
so that's probably why I was...

But, I didn't have to because they do.

-------------

When I was writing, my neighbor called 
and came up to smoke a joint with me.

He put me on the spot:
"Do you want me to leave?"
"You could have said no and I'd have stayed at home..."

IT BUGS ME WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T.

I'm aware I could have told him not to come up.

This kind of weather bugs me and I get tired
giving my energy away all the time.

It takes energy listening to people, too.

And when you don't have much to say
about what they are talking about.... 

They want to make it about you not caring...

Sure, I'll listen to you talking about
what you want to talk about, 

but not saying anything about that stuff...
I just don't have anything to say about it.

He was talking about how he was a painter
and why he got out of it...

About how he feels that there isn't any pride
in the trades anymore

and how different trades were causing issues
for other trades etc.

How, if they had the pride they should have,
and didn't cause issues for each other, 
it'd be great.

How he wishes he was 20 years younger...

When he was leaving, though, 
he was kind of low key doing a guilt thing, to me.

"Well... I'll leave because I feel like I'm being a thorn in your side.
I don't want to be a nuisance..."

It's that I don't want anyone up my @ss.

Sure, it's cool to hang out, 
but some days, and some nights, 
I just want to be alone.

I shouldn't feel guilty for that.

I should just get to have a "healthy balance"
without anyone making those kinds of remarks.

Because they're to make me feel bad
ABOUT WANTING TIME ALONE.

THAT KIND OF SH*T...
 "MAKES" ME NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE
WHO DO THAT SH*T.

IS DOING THAT SH*T SUPPOSED TO
"MAKE ME FEEL SO BAD 
ABOUT WANTING ALONE TIME
THAT I DON'T WANT IT?"

BECAUSE IF IT IS, 
IT'S NOT WORKING.

IT'S JUST "MAKING" ME
WANT IT EVEN MORE.

Like I said, I should be allowed to want
and to have
A HEALTHY BALANCE, 
FOR MYSELF.

OF HANGING OUT, 
AND ALONE TIME
THAT I NEED AFTER HANGING OUT.

WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO PROCESS 
EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAYS TO ME...

LIKE IT GETS TO BE AN OVERLOAD...
AND IT GETS KINDA OVERWHELMING...

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE "RUDE."
SO I LET HIM COME UP, TO SMOKE ONE.

AND TALK MY EARS OFF...

AND PUT MY STUFF ASIDE, AGAIN...

AND WHEN I WAS TELLING HIM
THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO THE WORK...

HE CUT ME OFF... SAYING THERE'LL BE TOMORROW...

WHEN I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT
NOBODY'S GOING TO DO THE WORK FOR ME...

SURE, THERE'LL BE TOMORROW...
BUT WHAT I COULD STILL BE DOING TODAY, 
I COULD STILL BE DOING TODAY.

THAT'S WHAT A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO
"UNDERSTAND."

Things don't come "easy."

BUT WHEN I WAS TELLING HIM THAT I'M TIRED
HE WAS TRYING TO LIKE GUILT ME:

"YOU COULD HAVE SAID NO, NOT TO COME UP..."
"DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?"

DID I SAY I WANTED YOU TO LEAVE? NO?
THEN WHY ASK ME THAT? LIKE THAT?

TO PUT ME ON THE SPOT ABOUT BEING TIRED?
LIKE I'M NOT JUST ALLOWED TO BE?

WITHOUT THAT SH*T?

THAT SH*T BUGS ME.

IF I'M LETTING YOU COME UP, 
JUST COME UP.

WITHOUT "MAKING" IT ABOUT
ME JUST BEING FKN TIRED.

AS THOUGH I SHOULDN'T JUST
BE ALLOWED TO BE
JUST TIRED!

I've been socializing for a while... 

And I can't just go go go go go go go....
Socially, constantly... 

He and I hung out plenty after my friend's been over...

But sometimes I want a day or two to myself... 
After hanging out, every day... 

Because hanging out
with someone who constantly wants
YOUR FULL ATTENTION
TO THE POINT
YOU'RE NOT JUST ALLOWED
TO JUST BE TIRED?

IS KINDA DRAINING....
ESPECIALLY, DAYS ON END...

I NEED THEM TO BE OKAY
WITH DOING THEIR OWN THING.
WHILE I DO MINE.

THEN, WHEN WE DO HAVE THE ENERGY, BACK...
HANG OUT, AGAIN. 

IT'S JUST WHEN IT GETS EXHAUSTING, 
IT'S JUST EXHAUSTING.

AND I CAN'T HELP THAT.

Because I haven't figured out how to...

Balance it out.
To where I give them enough energy
and them knowing that they can't just
take ALL of my time ALL the time...

BECAUSE I NEED SOME FOR MYSELF, TOO.

We have plans for Sunday, if it's not raining.

He wants to hang out on Canada Day.
We spend pretty much every day together, lately.

It's sometimes feeling like the more he and I hang out
the more I'm closing myself off
of doing other stuff

and getting the feeling like he knows that.
And that's why he's been wanting to be around
so that the time I'm spending with him, 
I'm not spending with someone else. 

And I don't like how that feels.

Even though we kind of talked about it
after I had my friend over... 

"You're free to see who you want to."
Well, yeah, because I should be.

It's MY life.

He made a comment about my friend, though.

Because I told him about the rumors my friend has
about wearing the jock strap...

"So that means he's a good lay?"

Like fishing to see if I slept with him ffs.
Da fuq?

As though that's why he and I were hanging out?

AND IF I STARTED DATING
AND SPENDING TIME WITH MY NEW BF...

WHAT LITTLE REMARKS WOULD I BE GETTING?

WHAT LITTLE GUILT TRIPS?

I MEAN, IF I JUST WANT TIME
TO MYSELF AND I GET THIS?

THEN, WHAT?

WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO "LOOK FORWARD TO"
HEARING?

LITTLE HIDDEN JEALOUSY REMARKS?
LITTLE GUILT TRIPS?

Look what I get for just wanting time
TO RECHARGE
AFTER SPENDING DAYS...
GIVING ALL MY ENERGY TO PEOPLE
WHO ARE SO SELFISH AND GREEDY
THEY'D RATHER TRY TO
MAKE ME FEEL BAD
FOR WANTING TO HAVE TIME TO MYSELF...

TO JUST RECHARGE?!

THAT STUFF BUGS ME.
IT REALLY DOES.

IF THEY NEEDED TIME TO
RECHARGE, 
I'D HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.
I'D HAVE TO ALLOW THEM TO.

AND IF I RESPECTED THEM, 
I'D WANT THEM TO.

I mean, when I'm tired and drained, 
I'M NOT MYSELF. 
I DON'T FEEL LIKE MYSELF. 

WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO BE
AROUND SOMEONE
WHO DOES FEEL LIKE THEMSELVES?

SO THEY CAN BE THEMSELVES, 
WHEN YOU HANG OUT?

"I WON'T BUG YOU, THEN..."
SAYING THAT SH*T BUGS ME.

BECAUSE I NEVER SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT THEM BUGGING ME.

IT WAS TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
THAT THEY THOUGHT 
THEY WERE BUGGING ME.

OR SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THAT.

INSTEAD OF NOT MAKING ANY COMMENTS
EVEN REMOTELY LIKE THAT

AND JUST ALLOWED ME TO HAVE SOME SPACE...

Honestly, I don't want to be around people
who do that sh*t.

BECAUSE THEY'LL KEEP DOING IT.

I DON'T DESERVE TO "FEEL BAD"
ABOUT WANTING SPACE
TO DO MY OWN THING, TOO.

Healthy balances are supposed to be HEALTHY.

TOO MUCH SOCIALIZING, 
WITH JUST ONE PERSON
WHO WANTS YOUR FULL ATTENTION
THE WHOLE TIME YOU'RE TOGETHER
TO THE POINT
YOU CAN'T EVEN SIT WITH
SOMETHING THEY TELL YOU
BEFORE THEY'RE ONTO ANOTHER THING...

THAT TAKES A LOT OF MENTAL ENERGY.

AND I NEED AT LEAST SOME
OF MY MENTAL ENERGY
FOR THINGS I WANT TO DO, TOO.

WANTING ALL OF SOMEONE'S TIME, 
ATTENTION, AND ENERGY
IS SELFISH.

"I WON'T BUG YOU, THEN."
WHY SAY THAT AT ALL?

JUST SAY "CALL ME WHEN YOU WANNA CHILL."
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

OR: "ARE WE STILL ON FOR SUNDAY?"

WHATEVER ELSE.

"I WON'T BUG YOU, THEN."
IS SUCH A GUILT TRIP THING TO SAY.
SO DON'T FKN SAY IT.

THAT SH*T BUGS PEOPLE.
IT BUGS ME.

What we should have done
was gone out when it was raining, 
and picked up some juicy, thick ones
for fishing.

Even though I won't be doing any
actual fishing... 

I really suck at casting. 

A big part of it is casting. 

Because you want to cast it as far out as you can.

But yeah, I'd be okay with one day on, two off...

Not every day for like 2 solid weeks
because yeah, I'll get burnt out...

Other people can socialize...
And they are extrovert...

They have the energy to spare, I guess.

Does it take energy just being an introvert?
Never really thought about that... 

But maybe it does...

Maintaining, or trying to maintain
some sort of inner balance
if someone has an inner balance...

I used to think it was easier
than being an extrovert... 

Sometimes I wonder if it's true.

Not everything we think is true.
Just thinking it doesn't mean it's true.

There's a movie I saw recently...
It's called Lost Child. 

Anyways, the main character (a female)
goes back to her hometown
looking for her biological brother...

Ends up staying at a cabin her father owned...
He passed away, in the story, 
before the movie "starts."

So she's staying there, looking for her brother... 

Comes across a lost boy...
In the woods...
He lived out there, no family left...

But superstitions... Got to her head...

Just because stories could "get to your head"
doesn't mean they were ever true.

But it was kind of about
how we can believe all kinds of things
but didn't mean they were true.

Kind of an underlying theme of the movie.

The underlying themes
are just as important... 

Sometimes even more so...

Just that... Most people aren't looking at that.

It's fine to watch a movie, just as a movie.
But, it's also neat to watch it from different views...

That's part of why a story I'm writing is being written
from different points of views so that
it's the same "story"
with different "views."

Hard to explain, and makes it a bit
more "complicated,"
writing different parts... 

But if I can pull it off, it could "work."
For the story.

Most people just watch movies as movies, 
but the story of the movie
sometimes has hidden stuff to it.

Some underlying stuff...

I get liking someone and wanting to be around them...
Just don't have to be together all the time.

Really tired tonight.

I might write again, later.
Or when I wake up.

The BBQ, thought it was cancelled, 
but they had it...

I would have gone, but I was told it was cancelled.