Always Aloe

It was hard to sleep last night...

I got a sunburn on my chest and it itches.
Itching means it's healing, but it's driving me nuts.

I can't scratch it...
Because the skin is... Trying to heal...

When the dollar store opens, I can get some aloe.

Aloe does a good job with burns of all kinds. 

It's good to have one as a "plant pet."

Anyway, already looking forward to the "relief."

It's still really early. Not much open at this time...

I could try to go back to sleep, 
but I'd probably toss and turn
like I was doing
before I just ended up getting up.

I might try, again, soon. 

I enjoy the sun, but shouldn't be
directly in it, 
for long enough to burn...

On top of that, I got burned
on my perma burn...

I already got burned so bad
on that spot...

Getting burned again, there, 
not great.

I keep thinking that I could have
and probably should have
walked away from mirror smasher earlier.

HE WASN'T GOING TO LEARN ANYTHING
HAD I KEPT PUTTING UP WITH
HIM TAKING ME FOR GRANTED...

BUT HE NEVER HAD TO LIE TO ME.
HE DID.
MANY TIMES.

AND I PUSHED ALL KINDS OF BS ASIDE
TO KEEP GIVING HIM CHANCES...

AND WHY SHOULD I?
HE WOULDN'T LEARN ANYTHING 
IF I KEPT GIVING CHANCES.

CHANCES FOR HIM TO CHANGE.

CHANGE HOW HE TREATED ME.
AS A PERSON.

I TRUSTED HIM NOT TO.
NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T.

BUT, KINDNESS IS OFTEN SEEN AS 
"WEAKNESS"

AND SEEMS HE ONLY UNDERSTANDS
"BRUTALITY."

OR HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN "BRUTAL" 
TO ME.

And for all the things I do know, 
I know there's stuff I don't. 

YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO
STICK AROUND "FOREVER"
FOR MORE OF THAT?

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I'D GET.
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I DID GET.

THE HOT AND COLD BS.

THOUGHT HE WASN'T GOING TO LOSE ME?
WHY SHOULD I HAVE STAYED FOR THAT SH*T?

SURPRISE!
I DON'T NEED THAT SH*T.

I don't even know why I even still think about this sh*t.
Not worth my time to think about it, anymore.

He wanted to play his stupid little games.
Games I'm not playing. 

THINKING I WAS THE ONE DOING THE SH*T
THAT HE WAS CLEARLY DOING.

I'M NOT TOLERATING ANYMORE BS
THAT I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLERATED
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AT ALL, LET ALONE FOR YEARS.

And he wanted to just "not change"
or "grow up."

DIDN'T WANT TO BE LOYAL
OR CONSIDER ANYTHING
I WAS SAYING
OR CONSIDER ME.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO
LIVE LIKE THAT?

Yet wants to be "accepted"?
BY EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T WANT
HIM TO "ACCEPT" ME.

WHY SHOULD I ACCEPT
BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
JUST FOR SOMEONE ELSE?

LIKE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY
TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD TO.

SO I NEVER HAD TO "STICK AROUND"
FOR ANY OF THIS SH*T.

I NEVER HAD TO.

WHY DID I?

IN HOPES THINGS'D CHANGE?
FINALLY?

BUT WHY WOULD THEY HAVE?
HE WAS LISTENING TO EVERYONE ELSE.

I WAS WASTING MY TIME.
HOPING.

There's so much more, for me, 
IN LETTING HIM HAVE
EVERYTHING HE CHOSE.

BECAUSE I HAVE CHOICES, TOO.

I PUT AN END TO IT.
NOTHING WAS CHANGING.
WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE,
NO MATTER HOW I DID TRY...

And that's okay.

But his CHANCE TO "TALK" IS GONE.

WHY SHOULD I LISTEN?
WHY SHOULD I CARE?

HE DIDN'T!
HE REFUSED TO!
SO WHY SHOULD I?

JUST FOR HIM TO SLAM THE DOOR
IN HIS OWN FACE, SOME MORE?

NO THANKS.

I'm not hurt. Insulted, yeah.
Extremely insulted.

To the point I could care less.

Then why are you writing about it, still, A***?
I don't fkn know why.

If walking away is the only way
he'll learn that I'm serious about him
f*cking off with his BS...

He can have all his BS
and he can take it elsewhere.

As a person, I don't wish him harm, 
but I just gave up
ON HIM F*CKING WAKING UP.

YOU THINK I WANT TO GO 100%
FOR SOMEONE WHO'D DO THAT SH*T?

WHY WOULD I?

But when someone MISSES the fact
THAT I WAS THERE
WHEN, MAYBE, THEY REALIZE WHY...

When nobody else is in their corner...
I was, but...
WHAT DID HE CHOOSE TO DO?

CHOSE TO ALLOW OTHERS
TO "CONDITION" HIM
INTO DISRESPECTING ME.

CHOSE TO BE ABOUT ALL KINDS
OF BS.

LET EVERYONE RUIN IT,
RUINED IT, HIMSELF. 

Obviously, I'm not "happy about it."

Why would I be? I was there, for him, 
AND WHAT DID HE DO WITH THAT?

WHAT DID HE DO WITH HIS CHANCES?
ANYTHING?

Anyway, it's way past time that I live MY LIFE.
Without anyone's excuses, or drama, or BS.

I can rest knowing I gave him REAL chances.
Knowing I was actually there, for him.
Knowing I actually cared.

Knowing how I felt, at one time.

BUT I DIDN'T DESERVE
TO BE MISLEAD...

OR ABUSED IN ANY WAY.

THEN THEY WANT TO BLAME ME
FOR WALKING AWAY?

WHY DID I, THOUGH?
WHY DID I, FINALLY?

IT EVEN TOOK ME A LOT
TO WALK AWAY. A LOT.

TOO MUCH, ACTUALLY.

TOO MUCH THAT I SHOULDN'T
HAVE HAD TO, PERIOD.

THEN TRY TO ACT LIKE
NOTHING HAPPENED?

SO THAT I'D GIVE ANOTHER CHANCE
JUST TO ACT LIKE THAT SOME MORE?

DISMISS AND DEFLECT, ARROGANT...
WHEN I WOULDN'T "JUST LET IT GO"
THAT I POINTED OUT
WHAT HAD TO BE POINTED OUT
OR THERE'D BE NOTHING
TO POINT OUT.

The problem isn't my reaction. 
It's what I am reacting TO.

AND THEM DOING THINGS
TO "GET A REACTION" FROM ME.

Even when my neighbor said:
"I won't bug you, then."

When I never said he was bugging me.
I should be allowed to be tired.

But he said that for a reaction. 
Or why say it?

The BS things people did
WAS TO GET A REACTION FROM ME.

SO MY REACTION IS TO DETACH, 
LOSE INTEREST, STOP CARING...
BECAUSE I DID CARE.

BUT WHY "PROVE MY WORTH"
TO ANYONE WHO'D GO
OUT OF THEIR WAY TO FK IT ALL UP?

AND YOU CAN'T GO DEEP WITH ANYONE
WHO JUST WANTS TO BE
SURFACE LEVEL.

-----------

Anyway, just got back in...
I started out just going to get some pot...

A couple of pot stores close by. 
One's open 24/7, but they only take cash...

So I'm waiting to use the ATM...
And the chick in front of me, using the ATM...

She couldn't take any money out, declined...
So she got mad and kicked the ATM.

I could feel her energy after she'd left...

Got my stuff, and left.

I saw C**** outside so I gave her the apples...

We went to the shack at the same time, 
and I had a bag and she didn't, 

so she asked if she could put her apples
and onions in my bag, 

but she had left, and I did, too. 
I didn't steal her apples, and onions, 
I left with them. 

So I gave her back her apples and onions
and she gave me a few oranges. 

G***** came out and we all sat and talked.

It was K**, L****, G*****, C****, and I.
I was the 5th female lol...

S** came by with his dog. 
His dog didn't want to go back in, 
he wanted to stay with me lol. 

They sat around drinking and smoking. 
I puffed my pipe a bit. 

His dog loves me. 

The very first time I saw his dog, 
his dog came straight to me, 
of all the people, there, 
he came straight to me.

I didn't get any aloe...

I ended up reading and crocheting
and cooked up some donairs
that I lost track of time... 

I've finished a row of squares on a blanket I'm making... 

It's the blanket I want to raffle off. 

Hoping to get more of it done, and have more done
of it, by the fall. 

Then, maybe this winter, it'll be done. 

I'm thinking of adding some more black and white...

I started it with black and white in the center... 

I'm thinking of breaking up the black and white parts
with other colors...

So far, it's mostly been blues and browns, and greens... 

So I think I might stick with variations of those colors...

Between black and white parts... 

K** was saying her knees are giving her issues.
Knee pain's no joke. 

When I dislocated my kneecap.... Ouch.
It was some of the worst pain I can recall. 

I know how agonizing it is. 

I might go fishing with my neighbor tomorrow.
I didn't see him or hear from him all day.

After that "I won't bug you, then." 

I didn't say he was bugging me. 
Comments like that, bug me, yes. 

Just needed a day to myself. 
Starting to feel a lot better, now, 
actually...

I think part of it was that I had missed
taking my medication a couple of times
and felt kind of "off."

That, and I don't smoke tobacco anymore...
And sometimes, my friends, 
who know I don't smoke it anymore, 
will roll it in a joint, 

and I felt sick after smoking tobacco in a joint. 

It's meant for cigarettes, not joints.

It bugged me so much when they pass it to me
without saying there's tobacco in it, 

because I'd take a haul off it....
And taste it right away, 

but I'd also get a "head rush"
from the tobacco that ruins the buzz.

Anyways, I wasn't feeling the greatest the other day.

And I should just be allowed to feel how I feel. 
Whether I feel sick, or tired, or whatever...

I can't be "happy" all the time.

Apart from some things that have p*ssed me off
since I've been here, 

I've been doing, okay.

Lots of people live in this building
who have been facing similar challenges...

It was weird buying beer, tonight.
Wasn't for me, but it was still weird...

And weirder that they sell beer at the Quickie... 

They sell alcohol at gas stations now!
Who's "bright idea" was THAT?!

Did you notice that one of the only places
that were open during covid
was the liquor stores?

Some people actually get sick
from not drinking... 

Like hardcore alcoholics... 

It's said that it's dangerous 
for them to quit cold turkey...

Tremors and all of that... 

Kind of how @dd1cts get dope-sick...

So they kept the liquor stores open.

At least they did in Ontario, 
I don't know if other places were doing it, too.

K** was saying that she drinks
because she can't get pain meds... 

She's sure her doctor doesn't believe her
about the pain she's in... 

She's drinking because she likes it.

It's not so much for the pain. 
It might "help" with the pain, 

but if she didn't like drinking, 
or getting drunk... 

Why drink?

So she likes it.

I used to like it.
I liked it too much, honestly.

All I can say is I haven't had a hangover in years...
And I saved a lot of money staying sober.

Money I wish I had kept saved... 

But I'm being better about some other stuff... 

I don't have to buy a bunch of stuff...

For my apartment, I mostly have what I wanted to get...

I got lights for my bathroom...
A motion detector one...

So that I don't have to turn my light on,
in the middle of the night.

Just enough light in there...

I got lights for my balcony....
I picked up a couple of chairs for my balcony...

I've got shelves for when I start planting...

Should have started planting already, but... 
I had to catch up on some stuff...

So I couldn't get anything for a while.

I still want to make a greenhouse, though...

My neighbor found his stash of pot plants,
and said he'd give me some seeds... 

I found a seed in my pack of pot lol...

Shouldn't be any seeds in those packages lol.

Anyway, I know what strain it is...

Some people growing it in the building...

Legally, we're allowed 4 plants.
Because 4 is enough for "personal use."

Anyway, I've had "bad luck" growing pot. 

I've always gotten spider mites and they are a b*tch.
They eat the plant.

The only time I had decent plants
was when I grew some at my grandmother's house. 

Of course I couldn't tell her they were pot plants
because pot was still illegal.

I told her they were Holly Hocks...
Because those plants can actually grow pretty tall...

When I went away to volunteer on the farm, 
the horse riding farm a lady from our church had, 
for a couple of weeks, 
she watered them for me.

When I got back, those plants were doing great.

Until I told the wrong person about them, 
they told my "foster mother"
and she called my Grandmother, told her.
She was mad.

To say the least.
She threw out the plants.

I only tried growing some once after that.
I couldn't keep them alive
and the spider mites got at them.

Haven't really had any urges to grow pot. 

What I've been collecting are pepper seeds.
Red peppers, specifically...

Not sure why... But I have them. For some reason. 

My neighbor gave me a handful of small radishes
supposedly from our garden...

I haven't tried one, yet.

Anyway, I should probably get ready
to go to bed, soon. 

I took my medication and it's starting to hit.
Good night.