Might Go Fishing

It's been... A day.
Why do guys think that
showing me their peen will do "something" to me?
I'd like to know that.

It bothers me that guys can just like
"show it" thinking that's the "magic thing"
that'll get a girl all "hot and bothered."

It doesn't "work" on me.
It does the opposite. 
It actually really bothers me.
Why wouldn't it?

And when you've already said NO.

Guys don't do this sh*t to other guys...
Mostly. 

I don't know why they think it's okay, though.
It's not.

I guess I was in fight or flight mode.
Obviously, I chose to walk away.
Da fuq!!!!

But adrenaline. I got some edibles.
And I got a spliff. 
I took a walk. 

Hung out with my neighbors when I got back. 

Nice to have some laughs here and there, with them. 
A neighbor brings his dog
and his dog makes his rounds
saying hi to all of us lol.

Wasn't expecting that, today.
When am I ever, really?

Told the dude, before this, that I don't want
any of that sh*t.

He thinks the reason I don't want to
is that I'm a virgin lol. 

I never said I was one.
I have a son.

I just don't want to.
And don't have to want to.
Regardless of his ADVANCES.

AND NOW I HAVE TO SEND HIM
ANOTHER EMAIL TO TELL HIM
NOT TO DO THAT SH*T.

I tried telling him before. I did.

IF HE RESPECTED THAT
HE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE
THE TWO LAST THINGS
THAT BOTHERED ME.
A lot...

Might go fishing with my neighbor
tomorrow.

I'd like to get my guitar restrung.
Still haven't done that, yet.

Tomorrow night's the open mic night.

Only went that once. It was good.
Just been deep in my projects, I guess.

Maybe been a bit closed to meeting people.
I met art guy, he seems okay. 

I don't know what he meant by "competition"
and I kinda don't want to know.
The vibe was off. 

It wasn't really as deep as seething or loathing...
I can pick up on those pretty well, now.

Kind of more resentment and something else
that I can't pin point. 

But disdain, was there, for sure.

Tonight I was reading an article from my neighbor's phone. 
He passes it to me when he goes for a smoke... 

Trying to get him a facebook acount
because he's interested in facebook market place.

It's pretty easy to sell stuff on there... 

Also easy to get scammed on there lol.

Anyway, he and I might go fishing. 
He said he didn't catch anything in the river
he fished in today.
Back to the other one. 

Still nuts that he found those bags of bones. 

And the police will keep this under wraps. 
There won't be an announcement
because they probably don't want
whoever put the bags out there
to know they found them. 

Kind of a strategy thing. 

At least that's part of why they likely won't. 
As well as they don't want to "panic" people.

They'll be hoping they can get some DNA from the bones. 
The bones were broken and water got in the bones, 
but pretty sure they can get something. 

However small or whatever.

Probably floated because of the plastic bag. 
The bones would have sunk, probably. 

The bag just sat kinda at the surface
and the ice pushed it down river...

Well, both of them.... Wild, though.

Whoever it was had been in there a long time.
Before we switched to reusable bags.

Just the lower half, though. 
An upper half somewhere.
A head somewhere.
Creepy. 

No hands or feet either...

Wild to think that was so close to here. 

My neighbor has his theories. 
Won't say what they are
because if he's right, 
we don't want anything to do with it.

He didn't want to call in the bones. 
He pretty much had to, though. 

He was in the area, he'd been seen. 

We joked and was saying...
"Imagine if I hadn't seen them
and p*ssed on them?"

Wild, eh?

Literally p*ssing on bones
you didn't know were there, 
but you're connected to it
because you p*ssed on the bones.... 

Imagine that?

I'm going to my knitting potluck thing. 
The next meeting is the summer potluck
because we take a break for the summer....

Same with the winter holidays. 

So I don't know what to bring with me. 
Never can tell with potluck stuff, plus
I have to travel with it.

Just really bothered me today
and my adrenaline spiked pretty high.

My "Hell to the fk no" kicked in.
Wanted out of there.
Fast.

It's so disappointing, too.

Could just.... Not.

Especially after I said no already.

NO DOESN'T MEAN I'M TOO SHY TO SAY YES.
IT MEANS I DO NOT WANT TO.
I SHOULD BE ALLOWED
TO JUST NOT WANT TO.

JUST AS THEY ARE.

WHY CAN'T THAT BE UNDERSTOOD?
AND ACCEPTED.
NO AS JUST NO.

ACCEPTED AND RESPECTED
AS A SOLID NO.

Just bothers me.

Also, it's selfish af.
EXPECTING ME TO WANT "IT"
JUST SHOWING ME "THAT."
WTF.

WHY DO THAT?

WOULDN'T DO THAT TO THE MEN
HE INTRODUCED ME TO.

SO HE MUST KNOW IT'S WRONG TO DO
AND THEY WOULDN'T GO FOR THAT.

BUT GOING THAT FAR
BECAUSE HE WANTED S#X
AND ALREADY BROUGHT IT UP
AND ALREADY SAID NO.

WHAT RIGHT WOULD I HAVE TO DO THAT?
IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED...

IT'D BE AN OLD COUGAR GOING AS FAR
AS TO SHOW HER MUFF TO A GUY
MY AGE
WHO DOESN'T WANT IT.

"HER MUFF" SOUNDS FUNNY AF.
When I put it in that context, though.

But it would be the same thing. 

I don't go around showing mine.
Even if I was as old as that guy, 
I'd still know better
AND HAVE MORE CLASS
THAN TO DO THAT.

I was using his phone for something, 
and he had like 50 tabs open
and they were like 99.9% all p0rn. 

And some other guy brought up s#x today, too.

Skirting around the topic.

But I told him I'm not into anything.

Why would I?

What's attractive about that?
Besides that, I'm not attracted to old men.
I'm just not.

But not really attracted to anyone, these days.

I see people and I can admire something about them
that would make them attractive to others... 

Stuff like that.

But romantically or s#xually... Nope.

Other stuff has to come with that.
Other "feelings."

And I've relied on how I felt before. 
"Follow your heart" type of stuff. 

Where'd that "lead" me?

Tired me out is what it did.
Haven't been this exhausted in a long time. 

I spent too much energy. 
That I didn't have to spend. 

And often it feels like there's a slow leak. 
On an energetic level... 

Or maybe I'm just getting OLD.
TOO OLD FOR THIS SH*T.

JUST TIRED. Y'KNOW?

I want to say it is flattering to some degree.
Or maybe I'm trying to tell myself that....

Because otherwise it's pretty horrifying. 

It's one thing to be curious and bring it up, 
but when I already said no, why?

But yeah, going that far...
Is really freaking uncool. 
Don't be that guy, okay?
Just please don't be that guy.