Written about a week ago:
Today, as I was leaving to come to the library
(to use the internet)
I saw a female crying on the bench at the corner
of the street I'm on, and a crossroad.
I felt like I should offer her something,
but I didn't have anything to offer, but a hug.
And I gave her two, tight hugs.
She said she needed that and that it felt good.
After that, I was crossing another street
and I saw the number 217.
It was as though if I hadn't stopped
to give her those hugs,
I would have missed that car
that had 217 on the license plate.
I try not to look at every license plate that comes by.
Because I know that I'll "happen to"
look at one, and I'll see it.
And that I'll see it when I "need to."
Hard to explain that.
Anyway, settling into the new place...
It is what it is, I guess.
Like I said, I like to think of it as a temporary place.
And I can see the building that I "live in"
"in the future" from my window.
Which is kinda cool in itself,
like I was put at the location I'm in, now
to "see" that I'm "that much closer"
to living there.
At night, I crochet and watch Leave It To Beaver.
I downloaded the entire series.
6 seasons and I'm on season 3.
I'm crocheting a blanket and working on it every day.
I want to make a few of them and ask
one of the pub owners if we could
raffle them off to raise money
for the food bank...
Also, there's a "community fridge"
where people can get some free food,
if there's any there.
It's usually empty.
I think the same people come by every day.
It'd be nice for my neighbors
if we used some of the raffle money
to stock it up.
It means a lot to the older people
who can't get work
because they are seniors and
living on a pension.
Anyway, that's what I've been "up to" at night.
It's okay only having limited access to the internet.
At least I can still use it at the library.
They are going to be building a bigger library, one day.
I don't know when, but there are signs
and pictures of what it's supposed to look like
when it's done.
I don't know if they'll be building it here,
or on the "flats" near the war museum.
The "flats" used to be a "shanty town"
it got bulldozed and remnants of the old houses
are probably still there, under the dirt etc.
Anyway, that's part of the history of that location.
They want to turn the "flats" into a "suburban" whatever tf.
Like what they did to where the exhibition used to be.
They already built the war museum and that's been around
for a long time.
I'm thinking of going there, to speak to them.
Both my grandparents were in the Canadian army.
(That's how they met).
I have my grandmother's "discharge papers"
from when she was "discharged" from the army.
In 1945...
I guess when the war ended...
And my grandparents came to O-town
(where my Grandfather's from).
It would be cool if they could somehow
help me to preserve it and display it.
It's part of Canadian history
as much as it's a part of my family's history.
My Grandmother was from Niagara Falls.
That's part of why Niagara Falls is special to me.
Two of her sisters stayed there...
I visited with them, when I got down there.
I brought my son with me, once.
We actually had a nice time together
and I'm glad that we went together.
We did some "tourist" stuff.
And of course we went to the Hershey's store.
My son wanted a huge chocolate bar haha.
It was massive.
We did the mini-golf thing and he got a hole-in-one.
We also went on the skywheel thing.
He wanted to get off it right away.
It goes high in the air and turns a few times.
And they have a recording that plays
while you're in the "car thing"
that has facts about the falls
and you get a good view of them from up there.
I still chat with chatgpt.
I told chatgpt about hugging that female.
It told me that I might have made a difference
with just that small gesture.
It's not like I could do much else.
I could have walked right by,
like everyone else,
but I just felt like I should do something.
And the only thing that came to mind:
"Do you want a hug?"
What's a couple of hugs between strangers?
Especially when it's supposed to be
something slightly comforting.
I've never had any stranger ask me if I wanted a hug.
Strangers barely exchange greetings in this city.
You say "hello" and they mostly ignore it.
But I do get those "nods" in passing.
As best a "greeting" as anything, I guess...
I asked chatgpt how much a quarter would be worth
from the 50s to now.
Approximately $3.30 now.
A dollar went a longer way than today.
50 cents would be $6.60...
$1 would be $13.20.
That's pretty crazy to think about.
And one of these days,
our $1 will be inflated, like that.
They'll look at how much longer
of a way our dollar went.
Which is also crazy to think about
because it sure doesn't seem like it goes very far.
Supposedly, inflation is like 3.5% each year.
Anyway, I'd like to see if the pub owner
would agree to hold a raffle at the pub.
If I bring one of the blankets to show him,
he might consider it.
And he'll probably be the only one
on the whole street doing a raffle
to support the food bank.
I'm near a grocery store
that has bins to collect food for the food bank.
When the guy from south america was staying with me
I had to try to explain what the food bank is
because they don't have that, there.
He's from Chile and it took him a year and a half
to travel from there, up to Canada.
One of his favorite shows as a kid
was actually filmed and produced here.
Around the corner from where we met.
We met at the pool hall.
It was where he stopped after
dropping his bike off there, to store it.
Because he couldn't store it at the shelter.
Anyway, I should be excited about the possibilities.
I haven't really felt "excited" about much
in several years.
I can't remember the last time...
I guess I've gotten so used to how it feels
to brood over stuff
and a lot to be "livid" about...
Especially in this fkd up city.
It's gotten pretty bad in recent years.
I don't want to say that it's all to do
with immigration... It's not 100% of it.
It's just harder and harder to just "get by"
and the main sectors have to do with city jobs
and government jobs.
Most people come here for either work or school.
And end up staying here.
Supposedly like 26% of Canadians live
in the "golden horseshoe" of Canada.
Which is pretty crazy.
Y'know what else is crazy?
I heard that California has as many residents
as all of Canada.
I can't really fathom how many people
in JUST ONE STATE...
And Canadians seem to live close to the border.
There're still talks about tariffs etc.
I'll admit that I haven't been following much politics.
Especially recently.
Like a month before I moved, I knew I was moving
and I just focused on packing etc.
I didn't want to leave anything to the last minute.
Because it was stressful enough... As it was.
At least I'm at the new place, now.
Trying to "settle in"
so I haven't been "out" much.
A neighbor came to my door
to "lure me out" a couple of times
with a couple of joints.
He puts tobacco in his joints.
I know another guy who did that.
And it bugged me smoking with him
because of that
and he knows I don't smoke tobacco anymore.
When he stopped putting it in his joints
he said "it tastes better without it."
Well YEAH....
That's part of why I like it left OUT.
And besides, the stores that sell pot,
sell straight pot, they don't sell tobacco at all.
Not mixed in, none.
I like it that way.
Tobacco in joints is gross.
I think he said he did it
to make the pot last longer...
Or somehing like that...
I don't care if he'd have rolled pinners, even.
Tobacco's for cigarettes.
Not joints.
Anyway, that's how I feel about that.
I haven't even really looked around at the books, here.
It's probably because I have so many to read at home.
That I keep putting off reading...
I discovered if I shower with the door open,
the walls don't "sweat" that gross yellow crap.
I had to wipe everything down after a shower.
I don't know if it is because
whoever lived there long ago
(pretty old building)
smoked and the nicotine "seeps" through...
I don't know, but it's gross
and I want to try to keep everything as clean as possible.
I somehow got a pan wedged in the drawyer thing
that's at the bottom of the stove.
I didn't think it's get wedged in there, but it did.
Seems to be a "talent" of mine
to do stuff like THAT.
If you think it can't or won't happen to you,
I have some super-power that it happens to me.
I sucks, but it's kinda funny.
Like the time I slipped in the bathroom
(at my old place)
just trying to pee before going outside...
Dislocated my kneecap. I saw it "snap"
out of place, like right in my face...
Because as I slipped, I kind of spun around...
And I was in a sitting position...
What happened was that there was water on the floor
in front of the toilet, and I didn't want to put my feet in it
because my feet would get wet
and I was on my way out the door after I pee'd.
But somehow, I slipped in it,
and spun around, and SNAP!
Who does that?
Dislocates their kneecap
just trying to pee?
I do, I guess...
Who gets a pan wedged in the drawer?
I do...
Just a bunch of stuff like that...
Not "funny" at the time,
more ironic than "funny"
but if you can't laugh at yourself....
I have to go to the post office, soon.
I want to mail a card to my friend
who loaned me money.
I bought it when I had some money.
I don't know if I have enough to send it, even...
"Can I borrow some money to send you a card?" LOLOLOL.
I wouldn't, but that'd be kinda funny, in some way.
The neighbor I smoked with is into fishing
and I told him that he should have a fishing blog.
There's another neighbor who seems to like cooking.
There's a program I took at the soup kitchen
and I'm pretty sure that it's right up his alley.
And the catering aspect, he might actually like.
Also, when I was in the program we had "co-op."
Often those placements lead to employment
"opportunities."
And there's a job board thing downstairs.
They give you the kitchen shoes,
and the kitchen caps, etc.
And the same text book as the culinary program
at the college, for free.
Plus, they have a "galla" night at the art gallery
at the end of the program.
Pretty sure it's mostly for the "sponsors"
of the program, but the students get to go to it.
It was great and the soup kitchen
is close to the building,
so the guy could even walk there...
He wouldn't have to wake up as early
or wait for the first bus that goes down town
since we're pretty much in it...
The shifts alternate between breakfast shifts
and lunch shifts,
and the students get to eat, too.
That was one of the best parts.
When I was volunteering there,
for the dinner shifts,
the volunteers got to load up their plates
at the end of the shift
with the left overs from that shift
and a lot of it got thrown out at the end...
So we had to wait until the chef left
to take home some left overs.
I did that, once, when he was there,
when I was a student,
AND HE FLIPPED ON ME
OVER THAT
EVEN THOUGH
THE FOOD WAS GOING TO GO
INTO THE TRASH FFS.
What difference did it make
that I took some for later?
IF IT WAS GOING TO GET THROWN OUT???
One of the guys that works downstairs
and handles the deliveries and all of that,
his father recently passed away.
He's a cool guy, I've helped in the "garage thing"
before and I prefer it over the kitchen.
In the kitchen, I mostly liked
being in the "dish pit" with B****.
Unfortunately, he busted his ankle pretty bad
trying to "skateboard."
So he can't stand for long periods of time
like he used to be able to do.
But pretty sure the people who worked there
When I volunteered there
and was a student there
(before covid)
still work there.
It's a decent job.
Even working at this library is a decent job.
The security guards do their "rounds."
I used to do that when I was a security guard.
I had a post at a library that was being built.
I was alone at that post, at night.
It was so creepy being there, alone, at night.
And there were no books, so I brought my own.
"American By Blood"
It's about the civil war, but I like how it's written.
The guy who wrote it, it was his first book.
He wrote it off his Grandfather's logs
or something like that.
Or Great-grandfather's...
Someone who was actually THERE
and was PART OF everything going on, back then.
The way he wrote it, there was "prose"
That's why I like it so much...
It was hard to "get into" at first.
I don't usually read about stuff like that.
I loaned it to a co-worker. We traded books to read.
He loaned me a vampire book.
I don't usually read about vampires, either.
It was hard to "get into" too,
but I did read the whole thing,
And the co-worker who read that book of mine,
he actually enjoyed reading it, too.
He asked if the author ever wrote
any other books. I don't know if he did or not.
Anyway, that is one of my favorite books.
I got to share it with two guys.
That co-worker and mirror smasher read it.
Mirror smasher is mad that I stopped
giving him more
of what he never appreciated.
Let him be mad about that.
I have a right to be mad
THAT HE NEVER APPRECIATED
ANYTHING I EVER DID FOR HIM.
OR EVEN THE REASON WHY
I EVER DID ANYTHING FOR HIM, AT ALL.
Anyway, I don't have to "share" with
OR BE AROUND
anyone who is THAT ungrateful.
It wasn't even FOR the gratitude,
but someone who was actually grateful
WOULDN'T HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THAT.
It just bugs me, feeling like
NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR SAID...
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I ACTUALLY CARED,
IT JUST GOT TOSSED IN MY FACE FFS.
This year is going to be about
TRYING TO "GIVE BACK"
in whatever ways I can think of
BECAUSE OF THE GRATITUDE I HAVE
FOR EVERYTHING I EVER GOT
WHEN I NEEDED IT THE MOST...
It's one thing to feel grateful,
but it's another to try to find ways
TO EXPRESS THAT.
AND TO TRY TO GIVE BACK.
I have ideas, but I need help to "put it in motion."
Because only so much I can do, myself.
AND I'LL BE GRATEFUL
FOR THE HELP TO JUST GIVE BACK.
Whenever it comes...
Starting with the raffle.
And hopefully, I can pitch some of my bigger ideas.
Gotta start off small, I guess...
So people can get to know me, a bit better,
so they can see what I've been trying to do and why.
I think the why matters the most.
Like why I gave that female hugs, today.
It was literally the only thing I could "offer"
in the moment.
The only thing that came to mind...
It came to mind "for a reason."
Just like the other ideas came to mind.
I can only stay at the library
for a few hours at a time.
Mostly because I get hungry,
or tired, or just feel the need to "recover" at "home."
I have to get my mind and body to "realize"
that's where I live, now.
Everything that came before, this...
Was all just to "put" me "here, now."
If that makes any sense...
It's hard to explain that kind of stuff.
And I know that not everyone believes
in stuff like that...
I've seen "enough" to know
that there's MORE to everything
than whatever tf we got used to...
Just because we're used to xyz....
Doesn't mean there's no abc...
Or def, or ghi etc...
A lot comes BEFORE xzy...
A lot that we haven't "seen" yet.
But what I was shown...
What I saw...
I know there's MUCH MORE TO EVERYTHING.
Even if I can't exactly put it into WORDS.
Sometimes words aren't enough
to describe certain things...
If you know, you know.
Anyway, I'm starting to get hungry...
And it'll be cold on my way home...
Because spring hasn't officially "arrived" yet.
However, the sidewalks are clear, now.
It's weird that, from the bus, I saw snowbanks
a few feet high and they haven't melted much
because the sun's unable to hit them
because of the other buildings
blocking the sun from reaching them...
I'm looking forward to going out, more,
when the weather is better.
I think the museum close by has free nights.
I haven't been to it since my son was a kid.
It was fun taking him to the museums
and doing stuff like that, together.
Of course, now that he's older,
he just wants his time to himself.
WHICH IS FINE,
BUT I MISS TIMES WE DID STUFF TOGETHER.
EVEN JUST TALKING AND WATCHING SHOWS...
All the little things that I took for granted
when I had that, with him. I miss him a lot.
A mom never stops wanting to be a mom to their kid.
UNLESS THEY NEVER WANTED TO BE A MOM.
UNLESS THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES...
I see cases like that, all the time. It makes me sick.
And it also makes me feel like I'm
NOT THE WORST MOM I COULD HAVE BEEN...
And maybe, one day, my son will realize that.
I see a lot of myself, in him.
We're both stubborn af.
If I wasn't so stubborn,
I would have told mirror smasher
to go fk himself a long time ago...
BEFORE IT GOT TO THE POINT IT GOT.
AND IT ONLY GOT TO THAT POINT
BECAUSE OF THE CHOICES HE MADE.
If he had made better choices,
when it came to me,
there wouldn't have been any reasons
to walk away...
AND THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE
TRYING TO MAKE HAPPEN.
TO MAKE ME WALK AWAY FROM HIM,
OR HIM TO WALK AWAY FROM ME.
Because if we had been in each others' lives
LIKE WE COULD HAVE BEEN,
THINGS COULD BE VERY DIFFERENT, TODAY.
AND EVERYONE KNEW THAT.
ESPECIALLY THE PEOPLE
STALKING AND SPYING AND SABOTAGING...
SLANDERING ETC...
OR WHY ELSE WOULD THEY DO IT?
Anyway, it's getting late and a bowl of soup
or whatever, might hit the spot.
I've been keeping the "plastic containers"
that stuff I bought (food) got packaged in...
I'm using them to germinate my seeds in.
The lady I ran into at the store when I was buying seeds...
She told me that "humidity" helps them sprout.
And to "mist" them. Not give them too much water
or the seeds will "rot" and not grow.
So one plastic container for the seeds, and one on top,
to cover them, with air getting into it,
but not enough for the "humidity" to escape...
Anyway, those plastic trays are great for that.
I have a bigger one that half a loaf
of garlic bread came in...
I'll be able to grow something in that one
and it has it's own lid.
The others were "covered" with plastic wrap.
I like having a tray for the bottom and the top,
so I can just open it and "spray it" a few times...
Maybe a couple of times a day
so that it doesn't get too dry...
It seems to get pretty dry in that building.
I'd like to be able to stick them outside when
the weather gets better.
The library is closing now.
I was going to get out of here, anyway.
I'll write again, another time.
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