Whether It Is

Been a while since I wrote on here.
Been just been busy since it's "crunch time."
I got the keys yesterday, to the place.

Took a trip with my brother to take some stuff.
We were going to take a couple of trips, 
but it took a long time to get there and to get back.

So we only got one trip in, better than nothing, I guess.
He managed to get a drive for tomorrow.

Taking stuff on the bus 
wouldn't have been so bad, 
but people trying to get on
AND OFF VIA THE FRONT DOOR.

They do that in the winter
because when the sidewalks
get plowed, 
they plow the bus stops, 
but only at the stop, 

So that people can get ON the bus.

On the way over there, 
the driver was slamming on the breaks
like bananas. To the point 
I wanted to puke and almost did
when we got off the bus. 

Felt better to get fresh air
when we were off the bus.

Gotta see the place for the first time.

It's going to take some getting used to.
Kinda like breaking in a pair of shoes, lol. 

But I'll have a utility closet thing. 
Where I can store stuff.

I have shevlves in the kitchen, 
but no kitchen cabinets.

My brother said I could probably
take the doors off the closet.

It's a place, for now. 

I'm trying to think of it as temporary.

Good surprises can still happen. 

And when spring rolls around, 
I generally feel kinda hopeful... 

More geared to "possibilities."

Haven't even let myself be "excited" yet.

Well, not really "not letting myself"
More like anxiety's been overruling me.

First, it'll be a big change.

Not just change of residence...
I used to live downtown, before.

I'm familiar with the places near there.

Should be familiar with them, 
been here my whole life.

I don't like going to Kanata, though, 
it's a suburban maze. 

Only people who live there
or work there, know it well.

Otherwise, not much reason to go there.

My brother said I should get a lock 
for the inside of my door, 
a secondary lock with a chain. 

"In case someone tries to follow you home."

Been followed more than a few times.
The creepiest time was when I had an appointment
and the guy followed me to the place
PRETENDED HE HAD AN APPOINTMENT, 
JUST TO WAIT FOR ME
TO FOLLOW ME, AGAIN. 

IF HE HAD AN APPOINTMENT
HE WOULD HAVE STAYED
FOR HIS APPOINTMENT.

NOT FOLLOWED ME OUT THE DOOR
AS I WAS LEAVING...

But to FOLLOW someone
LIE ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND WHY YOU WERE THERE, 
AND WAIT FOR THEM TO LEAVE
TO FOLLOW THEM AGAIN...

It wasn't me just being paranoid and thinking
that he was following me.

If he wasn't, he would have stayed
for his appointment, correct?

But he was ready to go
AS SOON AS I WAS?

And he was trying to talk to me
AS HE WAS FOLLOWING ME OUT.

And I didn't want to hear it
BECAUSE FOLLOWING SOMEONE
LIKE HE WAS DOING TO ME
IS CREEPY AF.

I just kept saying "No." Firmly. 

He did stop following me, but it was creepy. 

I was in the "red light district"
But I wasn't there for that sh*t.

I had an appointment to just do my taxes.

Had a bunch of really weird, creepy exchanges.

Like one time, when I was down by the creek...
I was by myself, working on a "fort"
And the guy saw I was alone
and asked me creepy questions:
"Are you married?"

If someone asks you that...
THEY WANT TO ASSESS THE POTENTIAL THREAT.

BECAUSE THAT USUALLY GETS ASKED
AFTER A FEW CONVERSATIONS
IF AT ALL.

Same with the question: "Do you live alone?"

WTF is it to YOU if I live ALONE? Y'KNOW?

But my point is
THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY REASONS
THEY WOULD EVEN ASK YOU THAT.

And if you see a woman, out there, by herself, 
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK HER
IF SHE'S MARRIED.

BECAUSE:
1) WHY WOULD THAT MATTER?
2) YOU COULD JUST LEAVE HER ALONE.

Does it matter in the way: "Don't talk to my WIFE!!!"
Or whatever, protective husband or something...

THAT WOULD BE AN OBSTACLE
IF THEY HAD "IDEAS."

The new place is going to feel really weird
for a while, until I get used to it, I guess.

This place didn't feel that way. 
At least I don't remember it feeling that way
when we moved here.

I was happy to live next to the mall. 
Which has been convenient. For sure.

There's a grocery store around the corner
from the new place, but it's not one of those places
that people shop at to save money. 

If you know, you know.

Could be good for some things, though.

The "dollar store" nearby has other stuff. 
It's "mostly" a dollar type of store, 
but they have other stuff
that costs more than a few bucks. 

They have pots and pans, racks, shelves etc.

I didn't stay too long to look at everything. 
My brother was waiting for me, outside.
He wanted to have a smoke
and he stayed outside with the wagon. 

We loaded up the wagon and I have a large
suitcase with wheels and we loaded those, 
and took those on the bus. 

Can't really take much more than that, 
in one trip... On the bus. 
So we did what we could with what we had.

And at least we made one trip. 
That's something. 
And he took some stuff out, for me.

The balconies at the new place
have nets to keep the pigeons
from getting onto the balconies.

So I can still feed them, just somewhere else.

I saw a guy who panhandled by the library
and he had pigeons all around him. 

I wanted to give him one of the hats I made, 
but didn't see the guy again. 

Anyway, I heard there's going to be a new library
but I don't know where they are going to build it
or where.

When I was a security guard, 
I had a post at a library that was being built. 
At night. Alone on that shift, too. 

Was a pretty creepy place
and a sketchy situation. 

There were cleaners that came every night, 
and my first night they scared me
BECAUSE NOBODY TOLD ME
ANYONE WAS COMING.

And they tripped the alarm
when they came, my first night.

So I had to radio my supervisor
to ask wtf.

The night shift posts
where I shouldn't have been posted
at a post alone, those were pretty creepy.

One time I was stationed at a construction site
and someone was going into the building
next to the site with a flashlight. 

I told them about it and nobody reacted to it.

The "security" in the "area" is supposedly
the best of the best.
Special clearance type of stuff. 

So if anything was "going on"
they'd probably know about it way before
I noticed anything.

There's already a station, there, for the RCMP.
It's government-related.

The company I worked for
had contracts all over the place.

What I think it is...
Is that their insurance
would probably be higher
if they didn't hire security guards.

And costs less for them to have
at least one guard.

Like when I was a janitor, 
the company I worked for, 
they charged the clients more
than when we were getting paid. 

TO DO ALL THE WORK FOR THEM.

I'm only grumbling about it
because in the "cleaning industry"
it's "easy work."

So they just pile as much onto the employees
as they can and get mad
THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE TIME
TO EVEN COMPLETE THE THINGS
THEY WANTED YOU TO DO
LET ALONE EXTRA SH*T?!

THAT is what I'm grumbling about.

Like I said, the work was easy work.
But they just expect SO FKN MUCH
FROM CLEANERS...

I get it, there are standards, 
AND PAID TO DO IT.

It's just that the extra sh*t
TAKES AWAY
FROM THE REGULAR SH*T
THAT YOU CAN BARELY
GET THROUGH IN ONE SHIFT.

BECAUSE THE DAY CREW
WOULD LEAVE IT FOR THE NIGHT CREW.

It should have been set up for the night crew.
Which it never was.

It was as though we made it easier
for the day shift
with everything we got done
BEFORE THEIR SHIFT STARTED.

And they'd just leave stuff for us.

There wasn't much satisfaction
in that job. 

I used to clean the "horticulture building."
Alone, at night.

It's a building that is still ON CAMPUS
but not attached to the main buildings. 

It was freaky at night.


And there was a cat, there.
A stray cat that they just let live there
like an "honorary student" or something. 

That cat... Would scare the crap outta me. 
Because the room would be completely dark
before I turned the light on
and all I could see were his eyes reflecting.

And I never knew where he was going to be.

It felt like "something" was in the building, 
at night, watching me, besides the cat...

I don't miss moping in the winter.
Winter is the worst for being a janitor.
BECAUSE OF THE SALT. 

It makes the mop water salty
and had to change the water more than twice as much.

Salt also f*cks up the mops.

AND ASKING FOR ANYTHING NEW, 
IN TERMS OF EQUIPMENT
WAS JUST IGNORED.

And most of the places I cleaned at, 
I took the rags home to wash them
and bring them back, clean, 
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T
WASH OUR RAGS FOR US.

THAT'S how cheap and ignorant they are.

Sure, I'll wash my UNIFORM, 

BUT WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS
WASH THE RAGS
YOU EXPECT US TO CLEAN WITH?

This is why I still have some high-grade rags.
From places I've worked.

I'm not going to miss the kid's high-pitched "screams"
from upstairs. Or the parents at night...

I'm hoping to have most of the small stuff out
and already brought over there before the movers come.

And that's mostly for the furniture
and heavy stuff I can't lift.

I have 3 office chairs with wheels. 
So they'll be useful to use as "carts."

Stack boxes on the chair to wheel out. 

I had stuff figured out, pretty much 
"organized."

Furniture in one corner, boxes in another area, 
and other "small stuff" is for just taking over
before the movers come.

One of my friends told me
to just take very little with me.

And that it's okay to just leave stuff here.
For the property management "team"
to "handle" after I'm gone.

I don't like the thought of that, 
but I'll see how much is left here
after tomorrow and Thursday.

Just trying to knock out some stuff
RIGHT AWAY
BECAUSE IT FEELS BETTER
THAN LEAVING EVERYTHING
TO THE LAST MINUTE.

That's why I wanted to at least get "done"
what I could before the movers come
to try to make this a "smoother" move
than it could have been
had I left everything to the last minute.

And even sitting here, right now, 
is giving me guilt feelings
because I could be doing something
"productive."

With whatever time I have before the "move."

The last couple of days has felt like
hitting a wall. 

Freaking out, felt like "stress puking."

That's why I wanted most of everything
already done by this point, which it is.

So that I could "lessen" my anxiety, myself, 
by setting myself up for the move.

Which I did, to the extent that I could, by myself. 

My brother seemed kinda impressed
when he came over and had seen
that I'm mostly packed up, already.

He told his fiance that I'm pretty much already ready.
She's not going to be helping us
because she has a phobia about elevators.

Going up in the "new" place, 
the elevators were shaking...

The elevators are "fast"
because it didn't take as long to get
to the floor than we thought...

But they SHAKE. 
And are overall smaller.

I have to make arrangements
tomorrow for the elevators.

We'll be moving in the afternoon. 
So by nighttime, we'll be done.

Shouldn't take that long. 
And it'll be worth it to me
to pare down even more.

Just don't have enough time.

So I can take my time to unpack, 
and whatever I'm not using right away...

I'll already have boxes - from moving in. 

I think there are "programs" for residents.
I don't know for sure, until I get moved in etc.

My brother said there looks like there's some sort
of community something or other, in the building. 

If there is, I might suggest a knitting group.
My stash is bigger than my group's common stash.

I thought about asking the lady who keeps
the common stash at her place, 
if she'd let me keep some of it there.

She probably would let me for a few bags, max.

Some of my stash has my personal projects in it.

The thing with being there, is that I can pretend that I'm not.
Keeping to myself has just... 
Not only kept me out of trouble, 

but I get to do the things that I enjoy, on my own. 

Didn't leave the apartment in a few days?
I was "busy."

I told my brother that I want to have tables that fold down. 
And when I put them "up" they are out of the way. 
I can put them down, to use them, 
and put them back up, when I'm not.

Because I'm not going to have a dining room. 
I could just eat etc in the living room...

But I want to have a "table" to eat at, if I have guests...
Or if I want to do crafts or something. 

My brother said there's something called hammock posts, 
so if you don't have trees to tie your hammock to, 
you can still use it!

It'd just be nice to sit in my hammock, 
on my balcony, on hot days... 
Read a book, etc.

I used to swing in the hammock
that we used to have at the cottage
when I was a kid. 

I loved it. 
All I had to do was ask my grandfather
if we could get something out of the shed.

There was a rubber raft thing, too. 

I know there's clay in that river.
I used to dig in it from that boat.

I found pieces of a broken bird bath.
Underwater, at the edge of the river.


Been looking into clay and watching videos about sculpting.
I think it'd be kinda "fun."

The stuff I've been looking at is called air dry clay.

If I could, I'd have my own kiln. 
I'd fire my pieces. 

It's possible to have an outdoor kiln....
But you'd probably have to own the property
or know someone who does.

Because it's not like we're "allowed"
to just have a fire pit wherever we want.

Maybe I can ask my mom
if she'd "let" me "make one"
in her backyard. 

Not even a big one.

Just big enough to have a fire in it.
And to fire ceramics in. 

Nothing crazy.

We can even dig it down a few feet.
So whatever's "on fire" the fire itself
is below ground. 

The only thing is that the neighbors
might complain about the smoke.

I told my brother I'm thinking about
getting a microwave as a kiln. 

Just to fuse some glass in.

It'd be cool if we had a community kiln.

Kind of like how there are community gardens...

And my balcony is "long"
and I can have an "outdoor plant thing"
and grow my own vegetables and herbs.

Did you know that you can grow tomatoes
VERTICALLY? 

But I could have a hydroponics set up
indoors and outdoors.

Just move everything indoors for the winter...

But no raccoons climbing up
TO EAT ANYTHING.

There's a partition between my balcony
and my neighbor's balcony.

And a space underneath it.
Wide enough to slide something through.
But not tall enough to climb under.

Definitely smaller place.
And I thought I was going to be
facing north, but I'm facing south. 

Not a huge deal, 
but I was told that I could see the fireworks
from my balcony, but I can't. 

I think they were going to give me another unit, 
but ended up giving me this one.

Not a big deal, like I said. 
Just a bit disappointed by that
BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

And the view facing north...
You can see the river and the sunsets.

I'll get the sunrises, like I do, here, 
but sunsets are nice, too.
Especially overlooking the river.

I have a "disco ball" in my dining room.
I'm going to have to put it up.

It's to catch the sun "rays" when the sun's still low...
It's just a "little thing" that I enjoy. 

It's sensory overload looking at everything
from the balcony. 

Because I'm high enough to see A LOT of the city. 

Maybe, I'll sit out there and sketch stuff.


But it would be cool to have a "garden"
and grow some stuff, 

and have a "makeshift" "studio" in one corner of my place.

I'm kinda looking forward to organizing everything, etc.
Buying racks, shelves etc.

I already saw some things
that'd be great for my bathroom
and I already bought a new shower curtain. 

I don't know why, 
but the things I always tend to buy, first, 
are toiletries. 

New Shower curtains.

There's a site I was on, before....
It's a print on demand type of site
where you can get pictures printed
on just about anything...

One of the "items" is shower curtains.
Would probably be the kind that you can wash. 
And you'd have to have a liner.

But at least a couple of the photos I took
would look decent on shower curtains.

...If I do say so myself lol. 

I only sold one print on there.
The person who bought it, 
ordered a frame for it and everything. 

The picture was of a mini-jukebox. 

I was in Niagara Falls and one of the diners...
Had these booths that had those in them. 

So I took a picture and uploaded it to my "store" thing. 
Someone bought it. I was surprised.

Good things can be surprising, too. 

Not every surprise has to be a "bad" one.
I've had my share of those...

Nice surprises still happen. 
Maybe not as frequently, 
(Or they wouldn't be surprises)...

And really, it's got to the point
that I've been so fkn disappointed
that a lot SHOULDN'T FKN SURPRISE ME, 
ANYMORE.


A video I saw, recently...
It was a short clip from a mother and daughter
cooking, youtube channel...

The little girl in the video
was bi-racial with a caucasion mother.

The only reason I'm mentioning that
is because the mother was reading a comment
by one of the viewers:

"Girl! Take that weave out of your hair!"
IT WAS THE GIRL'S NATURAL HAIR.
And it was a KID'S cooking channel. 

THE LOOK ON THE GIRL'S FACE...
Like shocked that anyone would even say that. 
But she didn't react.
HER MOTHER DID
BY SAYING IT'S HER REAL HAIR. 

But the girl just didn't want to dignify it
WITH ANY KIND OF REACTION. 

She was like 6 years old FFS.

Just making a video with her MOM
about cooking on Youtube.

Youtube can be nutso, though.

And if you don't like something
YOU DON'T HAVE TO COMMENT ON IT.

There are billions of other videos to watch.

Like when I was "experimenting"
I made a few videos that have an into and outro. 

And someone commented:
WHY DO YOU HAVE AN INTRO?

Why not? Don't like it? Don't have to watch it.
I don't post on that channel anymore.

But why waste time commenting
STUPID SH*T ON VIDEOS?

WHAT'S THE POINT IN IT?
NOTHING BETTER TO DO?

When there are billions, trillions
of other things to do...

OTHER THAN TELLING A 6 YR OLD
TO TAKE A WEAVE OUT OF HER HAIR
THAT SHE'S NOT EVEN WEARING FFS.

And various bs things such as that.

But her face said it all.
And she immediately went back to
what she was doing.

She knew BETTER AT 6 YEARS OLD.
Apparently, "weave accuser" doesn't.

WHAT BUGS ME ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO DON'T KNOW BETTER

IS:

    1) They probably do know better.
    2) It's not my "job" to teach them.

It shouldn't be my job to do it.

Just like it shouldn't be that 6 yr old's job.

Speaking of other kids on YouTube...
A couple of little girls had a craft channel, together.

And a crazy guy stalked one of them
and found out what city she was in
AND WAS ARRESTED OUTSIDE HER HOUSE.

They even moved BECAUSE of him
and he still found them, again. 

Stalked her for at least a couple of years.

YouTube's cool and all that, some good stuff on there, often. 

But you never know who could be watching.

It's the kind of chance that famous people take
with crazy "fans."

Anyone who's a TRUE fan 
UNDERSTANDS AND RESPECTS
THAT CELEBRITIES ARE REAL PEOPLE, 
WITH REAL LIVES.

It's cool to admire people or whatever
BUT NOBODY NEEDS TO BE DOING
ANY WEIRD, CREEPY, STALKER SH*T.

Looking back at a few cringe things I did...
I'm weird, by nature, I don't think 
that I ever really knew how to be "normal."
Always "expected" to "be normal..."

But... I'm just "not." Which should be "okay"
because I'm not out there trying to ruin people etc.

Sure, I've bruised INFLATED EGOS, 
BUT I DON'T SEEK TO DESTROY ANYONE.

PEOPLE, I HAVE LEARNED, 
ARE CAPABLE OF DOING IT
TO THEMSELVES...

WITHOUT ANYONE'S "HELP" TO DO IT.

And why would I go out of my way to do it?

If I really, actually wanted to do it, I probably could do it.
BUT WHY WOULD I?
TO GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT?
SATISFACTION?

Why would that be satisfying, to me?
To try to make myself seem and feel better? I dunno.

That's the only reason I can even think of
that anyone would do it...

WHEN YOU GET YOUR SATISFACTION
IN OTHER WAYS, 
YOU DON'T SEEK IT
IN WAYS THAT ARE BS.

And how long does that "satisfaction" last?
UNTIL YOU "NEED" TO DO IT AGAIN?

WHEN YOU NEVER ACTUALLY NEEDED TO, 
BUT DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE
TO FEEL "SATISFIED"
SO THEY "RESORT" TO THAT SH*T. 

All it does is make people look
FKN INFANTILE.

BECAUSE YOU WOULD THINK
BY THEIR AGE,
THEY WOULD HAVE LEARNED
A THING OR TWO. Y'KNOW?

But, living in this kind of society...

Where people tend to do things
that aren't fkn necessary
and they waste time doing those things

AND TRY TO BLAME YOU
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME,

AND EVEN GET MAD AT YOU
FOR NOT WANTING TO BE LIKE THEM FFS.

Is getting mad at me
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE YOU
GOING TO MAKE ME
WANT TO BE LIKE YOU?

Is that how it's supposed to work?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT WORKING. 

Just makes me double down on my stance even more.

I'm using this example because I don't have another one, 
to try to illustrate this point...

When I was working with my ex....
WAS I SUPPOSED TO GET SO MAD
AT HIM FOR HITTING ME
THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO
GO ON A RAMPAGE
BREAKING THINGS
I HAD NO BUSINESS BREAKING?
OR DAMAGING?

Was I p*ssed that he hit me? Yeah.
WHAT GOOD WOULD IT HAVE DONE
IF I HIT HIM RIGHT BACK?

WOULD THAT DONE ANYTHING OTHER
THAN GIVE ME A FEW SECONDS
OF SATISFACTION?

NOPE.

Wouldn't have done anything.

Would he have deserved it? Probably, 
BUT WHO AM I TO DISH IT?

That gets done FOR me if I don't do it.
And that is why I don't HAVE TO.

Because it's not for ME to do. 
Because there's a natural order to things.
Even when it comes to those things.

As disappointing as it can seem, sometimes.


I saw a video where a guy was waiting
at a corner to cross the street, 
but a manhole cover was off... 

He noticed it because a motorist saw it, 
stopped, and went around it.

So he went to go kick it back into "place."
As he was doing that, 
a huge pole, crashed down
over where he had been standing. 

If he hadn't gone out of his way
to fix that, that pole
would have leveled him. 

And he probably fixed it
to prevent any accidents on that road, that day, 
that could have been caused by that.

"You saved a bus full of people by doing that?
Okay, we'll spare you."

Because had he chosen to ignore that, 
and stayed where he was standing, 

HE WOULD HAVE BEEN S-M-O-K-E-D.

The caption was something about GOD
having a plan for us. 

When I was a kid, I went to Church, 
but my "family life" wasn't "godly" or whatever.

So if I did believe, it was kind of along
the same lines as believing in Santa
or the Easter Bunny...

There was a little "box" thing
that was next to the "alter."

The "box" thing was a type of cabinet
that stored the "wine and bread" for "communion." 

For whatever reason, I thought
that's where "GOD" lived. In that "box" thing. 

I forget how I even asked about it.
But I was told that nobody lives in it.
It's just a cabinet for the "wine and bread."

I went with my Grandmother to the Church
for Alter Guild duties.

There was a little "room" behind the organ
where the brass polish was and other stuff was kept. 

It was neat getting to see it.
Most people, don't. 

My Grandfather had "church duties" too. 

He wore robes etc and said the closing prayer
for each service.

That probably has a lot to do with
why it never felt "the same" without him. 

Christmas, especially, was never the same.

He passed away 2 days before Christmas.
From a brain bleed, from an anyrysum.

He forbade my Grandmother
from calling him an ambulance
because he didn't want to go to the hospital. 

He was very stubborn. 

Maybe I get it from him.

Probably get my "desire" to save everything from him, too. 

I miss the days of hanging out in the garage, 
with the little black and white tv...

It only got 4 channels, if that, 
but, late at night, there'd be a film....
With subtitles.

I remember one. About a french boy
who's name started with L.

But I used to stay up late, 
watching those films
on the little black and white tube tv...

When I was around 13 years old, or 14.
I was 13 when I lived there, 
with both of my Grandparents.

My Grandfather passed away when I was 14.

I still think about that time that the closet door
opened and closed as though someone walked
through it and closed the door behind them. 

The fact that the closet was the original
entrance to the cellar made it weirder.

And the knob had to have turned
FOR IT TO OPEN
AND FOR IT TO CLOSE.

With a latch on the doors, 
the inside of the door...
THERE WAS NO WAY
THAT IT WOULD HAVE JUST
"BLOWN OPEN."

And "blown shut"?

But the way that it opened and closed. 
It was as though someone was walking through
the open door and was closing it behind them. 

It did scare me, but I didn't know what to do. 
Maybe in shock that it even happened.

I sat there, for a while, 
THEN I WENT TO LOOK.
IN THE CLOSET.

NOTHING IN THERE
THAT WASN'T ALREADY IN THERE.

What was I going to do if there was something?
I hadn't thought that out. 

I just had a huge urge to just look. 

And I don't know why.
A lot of people would have been like:
"Hellllllll naw!!!!"

And they would have just ran. 

Sometimes I want to ask the people
who live there, now, 
if they ever had anything weird happen. 

I don't know if they kept the orignal doors.
I know they gutted the first floor
because they ran a yoga studio
on the first floor. 
From what I heard.

Probably wrote about the house, before.
There was an addition built onto that house.
Whenever I was there, alone, 
I had to have the basement door closed, 
I felt "watched" but it felt kinda "intrusive."

And I had to stay "mostly" in the part
that was added onto the original house
because it only felt "safe" there.

The doorway that went from the kitchen
into the main living room...

It used to just lead outside.
The wall on that side is the original brick
of the house, of what was the outside of it,
the back of the house.

Anyway, that room was added and a back porch.
It made the "master bedroom" bigger.

But anywhere, in that house, other than there...
Didn't feel "unsafe" like I was in mortal danger, 

but it was a very heavy, uncomfortable feeling. 
Definitely like I was being watched.

My mom told me a creepy story.
About when she was younger, living there...

My Grandparents had been out somewhere.
My mother heard: "We're home!"
So she was looking around, didn't see anyone...
Looked out the window
and my Grandparents were just pulling into the laneway. 

I heard a story, I don't know if it's true
and I don't have any way of verifying it...

If it did happen, it happened
either in the late 50s or very early 60s.

My Grandparents originally lived in a house
that was across the street 
from the house I knew them to live at.

Not directly across, but on the other side of the street.

The story was that the guy who lived in the house
before my Grandparents bought it...

Supposedly, his wife left him when he was in the hospital. 
When he got out, she was gone, took most of everything. 
Left him with VERY little
to COME HOME TO.

Supposedly, he k*lled himself
in the cellar of that house.

Whether it's true, I don't know.

One thing I thought about:

What if we are the ghosts
in the ghosts' timeline?

Like we hear "them"
but they hear "us"?

Kind of like they "encounter" us
"encountering" them.

If that makes any sense.

Would be weird if my new place is haunted.
Imagine if it actually was
and nobody believed me?

Pretty sure there's "something" here.
The only times I've "encountered" it
was when it tried to "attack" me in my "dreams."

It wasn't like other dreams I had. 
That's why I don't classify them as "dreams."

But now that the room is mostly emptied out...
I still keep the door closed to that room. 

I've kept it closed for years. I keep it closed.

Sometimes I think "I'd be so freaked out"
seeing a shadow from under the door
KNOWING FULL WELL IT'S EMPTY...

Sometimes, I think that if I think about it
or acknowledge it in any way
that it'd just get stronger and stronger.

But I did hear that voice, right in my ear, 
that one time.

Whether those things are related... I don't know.
Or if whatever it is, came from there, 
been following me from place to place...
I don't know.