Inside The Frame

I should be excited about moving, 
the "newness" and stuff like that.
Meeting new neighbors, also.

I'll miss the neighbors I have, now.
I wrote a letter to one of my neighbors tonight.

It was hard to write it, but I had to.
I couldn't just leave without saying anything.

I did that when I was a kid. 
I regret doing that.

My friend came by my old house, one day, 
and it was empty, we'd moved.

What a sh*tty feeling that must have been.
I feel so sh*tty about that.

I guess when you're 10, you don't think
about those things.


I got some raspberry and pomegranate tea.
It's nice and "fruity."

And I don't usually put sugar in my tea, 
(almost wrote tea in my sugar lol).

I got it because I guess I had a few bags of it
in a container and when I was packing the kitchen.

And I drank all that specialty tea that came in the tin.
The commemorative tin. 

It was a good tea, it was an earl grey type.
A proper British tea.

But it was a premium tea.
The commemorative tin was for Queen Elizabeth.

I went to a school named Queen Elizabeth.
After the Queen. 

For grades 7 and 8 and the high school next to it, 
that's where a lot of the kids went after we graduated.

I have a thing for tins. Can't explain it.
But I like them, a lot.

My lockbox is like a big tin lol.
Thought about putting an actual lock on it, 
but worried that I might lose the key.

It has handles, though.

I'd like to get a new bed, 
with a new bed set.

The blankets I made, 
I'm thinking of donating them.

Either to the group I'm in, 
or to the thrift store.

Probably the thrift store.
I'd really like to just do one big trip.

Just one and done. LOL.


My friend was studying for his exam
and he came across something that says
Penultimate.

I taught him that word.
He hadn't heard of it before.

I guess he didn't believe me
that it was a "thing,"
until he came across the word while studying.

So he told me about it and said he thought of me.

I actually met him on a dating site.
We never dated, I'm not his "type."

He likes "nerdy" girls and I'm not "nerdy" enough.
And I think he likes the typical types of girls.

He had a neighbor he was crushing on, for a bit.

As long as we've been friends, we have 0 pictures together.
Same for most of my friends.

I have 3 close male friends.
I definitely don't see them as anything other than friends.
And at least two of them doesn't see me that way.
At least I don't think they do.
Pretty sure one definitely doesn't.

My other friend, he wanted an "arrangement."
Nope, sorry "bud."

At least he didn't get mad when I said no.
He was disappointed, I guess.
"Well, I was hoping..."

What about what I was hoping?
Not to be looked at like someone
who'd want an "arrangement." Y'know?

As much as he was disappointed that I don't want that, 
I'm disappointed in his thinking that I would.

Had a conversation with him tonight, briefly.
I was digging through my art stuff and 
I am going to give him my charcoal drawing
of a skull I did in high school. 

A print I did, and another I did of a woman.


I think he might have been out, somewhere.
Typing to me from his phone.

But anyway, it was just a check-in thing. 
To ask how things were going over here.

He said it's okay to leave stuff here.
Because people who work here...
They'll be gutting the place and they'll throw stuff out
if I can't manage to toss it myself. 

I'm not sure if I'll take the frame for the futon. 
The mattress parts, I'll use those
until I can get a new bed.

I'd like to get a couch, eventually.

It's just only been me, here, for years...
With the exception of a few guests.

Like the South American guy.

My son stays over sometimes.
Not often. 

The last time I saw him...
That was nice. We watched Alf together.

I introduced him to Alf when he was a kid.
It was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid.

I had Alf pajamas LOL. I was 7.

We watched Newhart together, back then.
He said he prefers Alf to Newhart.

There's an Alf movie, also.

There was supposed to be a season 5, 
but for whatever reason Alf ended.

It ended on a "to be continued"
and Alf got captured.

(Sorry to ruin that)
but I mention it because kids were
having nightmares about
what could have happened to Alf, 
so they made an Alf movie.

Back in the 90s Alf was all the rage.

And the NKOTB LOL.
They had merch like bananas.

They had barbies. I had one. LOL.
(won't say which one).

I think they broke up because one went to jail.
Something like that.

I was around 8 or 9...

And I used to like to watch PeeWee's Playhouse.
And my mom wouldn't tell me
why it got canceled LOL.

When I was a kid, I didn't know
that mustard and ketchup etc
were called condiments.

I used to think condiments
had something to do with
condom mints LOL.


My brother had a friend over when we were kids.
My mom was pouring them drinks
and my brother wanted the first glass.

My mom said "guests first."
My brother thought she said "guess first."
"It's kool aid!"

I feel kinda bad for kool aid.
Because they got associated with
"Don't drink the kool aid."

It wasn't kool aid, it was flavor aid.

A lot of people haven't heard of what happened.

I bet the people who joined the cult
didn't think it'd end like that.

I heard that one woman survived
because she hid under a bed.


I put some bird food out for the pigeons to eat.
They saw me put it out there, for them.

I looked to see if they ate any.
Sure enough, little birdy footprints 
in the snow.

I'm going to miss these guys.
I'd love to bring them with me.

I'm going to take a nest of theirs.
Maybe they'll be able to find me.
I'd love for them to find me.

They get up early.
Usually by 5am they are awake
and making their birdy noises.

Their birdy noises are comforting. 
Not sure why. But they are.

Maybe because they are soft sounds.
Soft, gentle sounds.

Coming from soft, gentle creatures.

They've been here, every year
since the first egg hatched.

They laid the egg, right by the door.

I think it was the one I brought inside, once.

I "caught" it and brought it inside to "chill" with me.
It got to see the bathroom, the shower, 
we watched a couple of movies together.

And there was a pigeon a friend brought here.

He found it at work.

And we took it to the bird sanctuary place
to get it checked out.
Because my friend thought the bird was sick
because the bird was malting.

But we couldn't "release" it back into the "wild"
because he was too "tame"
and we didn't want him to get hurt.
Also, because he didn't have a flock.

And not the easiest thing to do
to introduce just any bird to any flock.

The flock has to accept the bird.


Anyway, my friend found a pigeon "farm"
So he brought him there.
To be with his own "kind."
I think he was probably happier there
than being in an apartment
with no other birds.

He used to run across the back of the couch I had.

I was on a video call once.
And he made the frame.

"Is that a pigeon?" Unexpected.

So I explained where he came from.

Pigeons can be trained.
They are smart.

A friend had a pet pigeon.
He taught her to do a high-five with her wing.

A hawk scooped her up right out of the backyard.
My friend saw it happen.

And when my friend's dog got hit by a bus, 
he was there and saw it happen, too.

He's got a dog that is very active.
He lets his dog outside and tracks him.
He has a collar that has a tracker thing that has an app.

And he got his dog a harness that has a radio.
So he calls his dog on the radio to tell him to come home.
And his dog comes home, by himself, as told.

"K***, want some chicken? Come home and have some chicken."

He can tell if his dog crosses the road
that he's not supposed to cross by himself.

Anyway, I have a volleyball for him.

Then maybe he'll leave the deers and coyotes alone LOL.
He told me K*** chased a coyote through the front yard, once.

He literally brought home a deer's leg, once.
Not the whole thing, but it had a hoof attached.

And he found skulls and other bones that he brought home.
And my friend saved quills from when the porcupine got him.

I went to a concert in town, and a guy had a dead
porcupine in his truck, the bed of his truck.
Said he was planning on cooking and eating it.

Stuff we remember, eh?

O-town has its things about it.
The suburbians don't know
BECAUSE THEY STAY IN SUBURBIA.

But a lot of wild stuff happens.
Or has happened.

Like that dude who got kicked off the bus
for huffing spray paint at the back of the bus.

And the cases that we got to see the case files for, 
at school. Our professor for that class
was a former detective.

He told us about a couple of cases, 
the ones I remember, anyway.

One where a guy tried to plead self-defense.
He shot a guy who broke into his apartment.

The guy was so hell bent on getting into the building, 
that he broke the glass door, to get into the lobby.

Then I guess he kicked the guy's door in, 
and the guy had a gun, shot him.

Here, in Canada, we don't have a "stand your ground" law.
So if someone breaks in your house, 
you can get charged with murder for k*lling them. 
Even if it's "self-defense."

Also when the guy saw that he had a gun, 
he turned around and was heading OUT of the apartment
when the guy shot him. 

So even if we had that "stand your ground" law, 
it wouldn't have applied
because the guy saw the gun and was leaving.

He had "disengaged."

I remember that case.

Another case was that someone got st@bbed
close to where I used to live and
the guy was able to say who st@bbed him
before he died.

He died at a neighbor's house.
I guess he had to get to the first house
to ask for help.

And ended up dying, there.

That'd be pretty traumatic for the home owner.
Someone goes to you for help, 
and dies at your house...

I still think of that guy another guy and I came across.
He had overdosed and was barely hanging on.
He looked in really bad shape.
Like, very close to death.

I asked him if he could hear me.
He indicated that he could. 

So I told him not to roll onto his back. 
Because he'd been puking...

So I stood there, by him, 
and he rested against my leg
so that he physically could not roll over onto his back.

I didn't mind and he needed to rest.
I guess he had been puking all night.

I think he took all the pills
and started having second thoughts.

Two empty pill bottles were in his back. 
Nothing else.

We'd thought he'd been drinking too much.
Because of him puking all night.

But he really looked in bad shape
so I told the guy I was with to call an ambulance.
For the guy.

I think about the guy from time to time.

I remember when the EMS came and that's
when I realized he'd overdosed.

He realized that we all realized he'd overdosed.
He was crying a bit.

Told him it was okay,
and that I was just glad we found him. 

Seemed to comfort him a bit, I guess.
It's not a HUGE deal. 

I've overdosed a few times.
Had to get my stomach pumped once.

They gave me "charcoal" to drink.
Was pretty nasty.

My mom was mad at me
and she smeared some on my face.


Anyway, I just think about the guy sometimes.
Whenever I'm in that area, 
or the time of year, 
or... Right now.

Speaking of wild things that have happened...
A guy who used to live in this building...
I met him in the laundry room
and he used to invite me over for a couple of beers
here and there, to smoke and play cards.

Well, the last time I saw the guy
he was kind of like asking me for advice
about a girl he'd met.

"Just gotta wait for her to call."
Because he'd already called her.

Or something like that.

Anyway, we were smoking and playing cards.
He was getting kinda paranoid or something.

I WAS cheating at the game.
ONLY because I wanted to get out of there faster.

Something felt "off" and I didn't know what, 
but it just kinda made me want to leave, 
but I didn't want to leave "suddenly"
because he seemed kinda paranoid.

He did ask me if I was cheating and I lied.
Said I wasn't and when he checked, I hadn't. 
Because I wasn't going to do it on every turn. 
Because you gotta act like you're not.

It wasn't a serious game, but some people
really take their games very seriously.

I was just slipping a few cards here and there.

It was to just play a few hands before "I had to go."

When I was leaving, I saw the knives in a block
in the kitchen... It gave me a really weird feeling.

That woman he was asking for advice about...
He ended up cutting her throat.

That park that I found that guy who overdosed...
He dumped her there, to die. To bleed out.

She survived, but he'd cut her vocal cords. 
Probably so she couldn't scream. 

If he'd caught me cheating at cards?
And I usually and typically don't. 
Just something felt "off" that day 
and I wanted to leave
but I didn't want him to know
that I felt something "off."
So I tried to act "normal"
whatever "normal" was between him and I.

Just wild that it happened.
Literally this close to home.

There've been stuff that happened, here.
It's not as "dangerous" as other "big cities,"
when something happens, it's out of the blue, 
or mostly gang-related.

The area that I'm in, now, 
there are two neighborhoods, 
that are across the avenue from each other.

One side has one gang, the other side has a rival gang.

One of the neighborhoods
had a "firebombing."

Someone threw Molotov cocktails
through a window of a house.
Two kids were upstairs.

Mere blocks from here.

Stuff DOES happen here.

Oh! And there's a motel/hotel type of place.
Near where my first group home was.

It didn't happen when I was living there...

A female was found "chopped up" in a hockey bag.

Stuff like that is RARE here, but it has happened. 
The girl had been a figure skater.

I think about that when I'm near that place.
For some reason, I think it happened in 2010, 
but probably before that.

That one was probably one of the worst.
That I can remember, here.

O-town is a city, but it's like a town
or a huge park trying to be a city.

Compared to a city like Chicago.
Murder rates are higher, there.

Probably because there are more guns
in America, than here.

Here, there are gun licenses.
To have a gun, legally, you have to have a gun license.
Also, you need a permit to carry the gun, 
and when transporting it, 
it should be in a case with a lock on it.

The average Canadian doesn't have a gun. 

And did you get a load of JT wanting to take
guns away from law-abiding citizens
AND GIVE THEM TO THE UKRAINE?

Wtf are they going to do with hunting rifles?
You know how awkward those are to CARRY?

Anyway, supposedly he stepped down.
I don't know who's supposedly taking his place, 
at least until the election. 

I have a feeling Pierre P will get in. 
The die-hard liberals are SOOOO against him. 

And pretty sure all the ladies in my knitting group
are LIBS.

Politics were brought up a few times.
And their stances and beliefs
were that the conservatives are "evil"
and want to "take away our rights."

My step-father was saying:
When you vote, you're pretty much
voting for the lesser of two "evils."

Vote for one guy, so the other guy doesn't get "in."

No matter who gets in, they have a fkn MESS to deal with.

And all we can hope for is that they don't "make it worse."

The liberals have "ties" that go way back.
It'll be for another post, but some past PMs
have had connections with some "elites."

At least one past PM.

Anyways, there've been scandals in our government.
It'll be for another post.

The Pacific railway scandal...
They took American money
as a kind of bribe to hire an American company.
Something like that.

This was back when they built the 
Trans-Canada railway. 

The buffalo slaughtering, 
that was happening up here, too.

There used to be wild buffalo
in the plains...

I saw a buffalo farm, once. 
It was close to a farm I was staying at.

Buffalo and cows can mate.
They are called Beefalos. 

Kind of like how horses and donkeys can mate.
They are called mules, but pretty sure you know that.

But I didn't know that buffalos and cows could mate
until they told me, at that farm. 

I heard that lions and tigers can mate, 
but I don't know what the babies are called.
Kittens, but I meant the cross-breed.

I told the guy from South America 
about the Linx. 
It's a type of wild cat. 
That lives in Canada.

Pretty sure they live in the mountains.
With the mountain lions (cougars).

O-town's baseball team are the Linx.

Our football team is called
The Red Blacks.

It was called the Rough Riders.
Then, for some reason, 
they were changing the team's name
to the Tomahawks
and there was a huge uproar about it.

I don't think the new name is any better, honestly. 

But there was nothing wrong with the name:
Rough Riders.

Except "It was another rough ride for the Rough Riders."

I can't remember when the playoffs are, for hockey.
Our team hasn't won a cup in a very long time.

But! It'll be a HUGE DEAL WHEN THEY DO!

My mom has champaign for when they do.
I don't know if she still has it. I haven't asked.

There's a bar that has free champaign on NYE.
I went there, once, and someone talked me into
having a glass after I quit drinking.

I don't count that as a relapse.
It was 1 glass and it was a small glass.
And it was a "social" thing 
because everyone was doing "cheers"
to the new year.

And I didn't even want to drink it.
I don't think I drank all of it.

Anyway, that was probably the last "drink" I had.
I forget what year that was.
I think 2012 or 2013-ish.

It was before I met my ex.

Since then, I've had zero alcohol.

I found out that the college is going to suspend
over 20 programs and lay off staff.

I used to work there. 
They might be laying off cleaners, too. 

And that would be a bad idea. 

Because they took FOR GRANTED
HOW MUCH WORK
WE ACTUALLY DID
TO FKN KEEP THAT PLACE CLEAN

And no matter what WE did, 
there was always something, else.

Like the college having big events etc.

WHO HAD TO CLEAN UP AFTER THOSE?

And students just not having any respect
FOR ANYONE ELSE.

But the only real "break" we got
was during the school breaks
like summer and christmas/winter break. 

And the students didn't have classes
BUT WE STILL HAD TO BE THERE.

Because, there were other things to be done.

I never had to do it, the guys did it, 
the stripping and waxing.

They'd strip the floors, 
the old wax from the floors
and rewax the floors.

Once a year.
When the students were gone
over Christmas break.

And the rest of us had to do our own stuff.

I'm glad they replaced the chairs
in the students commons building. 

They used to have orange chairs.
Which were fine, 
BUT THEY'D GET REALLY DIRTY
FROM REGULAR USE
AND THEY'D HAVE TO BE CLEANED.

And it was as though they were
trying to punish me or something
because they literally wanted me to
scrub those chairs. All of them.
All night.

Sure, scrubbing chairs is easy.
But when there are 80+,
AND NOTHING ELSE,
It feels like "Why am I here, doing this?"

Apart from getting paid?

I kinda cheated because those big round
scrubbing pads they use for the machines, 
they have a center that pops out
so they can put those suckers onto the machines.
They were either throwing them away
or using them to scrub other stuff, 
so I used them for the chairs.

It's the type of job that, "it's a job"
but NOT WHAT I WANTED TO DO
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Maybe I'll feel "different" after I move.
The actual "moving" part has been on my mind.

It might feel different to live in a new location. 

I haven't lived anywhere for as long
as I've lived here.

The other times I've moved
I was with someone who helped with that.

The first time I've had to ask my family to help me
AND I NEVER ASK THEM
FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE.

There isn't a point.
It's to the point that I make it known
that I need help
AND THOSE WHO WATCH ME STRUGGLE
BY MYSELF
I DON'T ASK THEM FOR F*CK ALL.

It's the very few who actually WANT to help.
AND OFFER TO HELP.

It just really bugs me seeing other people
going through the same crap I go through.

Maybe that's why I write some of the stuff
that I write on here.

Because there's no point in wasting time.

I saw something: 
If someone wastes 10 seconds of your life,
8 seconds was your fault.

Because after the first 2 seconds, 
you're letting them waste it.

My brother's going to call today, 
and he said he'd come by tomorrow.

The window people are coming tomorrow, too.
The window cracked.

It cracked inside the frame.
Either condensation got into the frame
and froze, and cracked the glass, 

which is what I think happened, 
or my brother thinks that it could be
because it's so damn hot in this building.

So hot inside and so cold outside,
but it's the inner pane that broke.

The window has double panes and it's
the inside pane that broke.

There's been condensation on the other windows
so it makes more sense in my mind, 
or the other windows would have
cracked also, they didn't.

Thankfully.