He invited me to stay the night.
He showed me around the property
that he rents in "the country).
On the "outskirts of town."
We checked out "the bird coop"
He has a "flock" of pigeons
that live in a trailer.
He has goats and the goats sleep
in a big cabinet in the trailer.
He cooked us some steak on the BBQ.
It took a bit to start it up,
but he managed to fire 'er up.
We mostly chilled in his basement,
and watched the fire in his fire place.
I enjoyed the heat of the fire,
felt nice on my face.
He installed the fireplace himself.
On the way to his place, we picked up
some steak, onions, potatoes, mushrooms.
He picked up a case of 6 beers,
and I picked up a few cans of non alcoholic beer.
Should have known that he'd drink all 6.
And we were staying indoors
even though he wanted to take the 4-wheeler
for a spin, but best not to while drunk.
He can park it right in his basement,
warm it up next to the fireplace,
get it all toasty and go for a spin.
He has wide enough cellar doors.
That lead inside the basement from outside.
And we watched a few movies...
I remember having seen them before
but I hadn't remembered what they were called.
So one movie I'd picked, I'd seen it.
Anyway, my friend was being drunk
and apologizing for acting stupidly...
Sometimes it's funny,
but other times it kinda bugs me.
Bugs me to the point
that I'm not attracted to him.
He brought up the ONE TIME that I was drunk
and he and I "almost" "hooked up."
WE DIDN'T "SMASH."
He brought it up because he'd been hoping...
To pretty much "hook up."
And told me as much.
I don't "like" "sh00ting dudes down."
But I DON'T FEEL LIKE "SMASHING"
Anyone that I'm not "attracted to" in the sense
of what I find attractive.
And not anyone "hoping" to "smash."
I don't find that attractive.
Because that means they were already
thinking about me "in that way."
I'D LIKE TO THINK I'M MORE
THAN A "SMASHIN' GOOD TIME."
He tried giving me "reasons" why we should.
And his idea of what arrangement he wanted
between us etc...
For one: That's bold af.
Two: If I wanted that, I'd say it.
Three: Don't invite me over for the night hoping to "smash."
Four: If I was all about the D, I'd be all about the D.
Five: I'd want more than an "arrangement" IF I wanted anything.
Six: I'd like to just be A PERSON IN HIS LIFE
NOT ANYONE TO HOPE TO "SMASH."
Okay, so we sat down to address it
because we seem to have needed to do that.
Me: "I was drunk and I'm not that person anymore."
(It was like 14 years ago or longer.
Was before I quit drinking - 11 years ago).
Him: "I dunno, I just thought since we're both adults..."
"We're middle-aged..."
"I know that, but I don't want to go there."
And "that night" gets brought up.
"I figured since we..."
"That was a long time ago. I was drunk."
I WAS drunk, at the time
AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING AT THE TIME....
Pretty much stopped it where I stopped it
Because I realized going further than that,
was something I couldn't "take back."
If I had wanted to.
Then he starts going into "proposing an agreement"
that we "could have."
So I said: "If it was going to go further
than where it went,
it would have gone further. It didn't."
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
And he dropped it.
I don't like having to explain that
to anyone.
Especially someone who's been in my life
for as long as he has been...
He put me in a position to have to.
Which I didn't like,
but I didn't say anything about it.
I'll leave it to him to have a sit and think
about it. He will.
But also his job to bring THAT up.
AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT.
"It's going to drive me crazy
because I've been thinking about it for a long time."
WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
IS THE WAYS HE'S TREATED ME, BEFORE,
And yes, I forgave him for that:
"I forgot you were here."
BUT NONE OF THAT IS ATTRACTIVE TO ME.
SOMEONE ONLY WANTING AN ARRANGEMENT
ISN'T ATTRACTIVE TO ME.
SOMEONE WHO'D WANT TO JUST USE ME
IN THAT WAY... FOR THAT.
Without the "relationship" aspect,
what does it even mean to me? Anything?
If that wasn't awkward enough...
The next day, his buddy calls him up...
My friend tells his buddy he was "partying"
the night before.
"Who'd you party with?" - His buddy...
(They were on speaker phone).
I don't know why my friend put him on speaker phone).
"With A***. You remember A***?"
"The one you smashed?" His buddy.
"Yeah, once, a long time ago." My friend.
WE DID NOT SMASH.
Then I guess my friend realized
that they were both on speaker phone
and that I could hear them both
because I was sitting right there.
So he tells the guy he's talking to
that they're on speaker phone.
"My bad, bro. I feel bad. I'm sorry."
"All good."
And they ended the conversation.
One) WE DIDN'T SMASH.
Two) Even if we had, which we didn't, why tell him?
Three) If he said THAT about ME, what else?
This is why I rarely "hook up" with anyone.
Guys talk to other guys, I guess...
About who they hook up with etc.
Or they'll ask if they have done "something."
I've had guys TRY to...
The guy who opened his door naked...
That was his "attempt" to "seduce" me.
The guy I was talking to who "pulled it out."
The guy who followed me to my appointment.
(THAT WAS CREEPY AF.)
And guys trying to give themselves reasons
to come see me...
"Can you take care of my cat?"
Turns into "Can I come over to "see my cat"?"
AND ONCE, I was hanging out with a friend.
He knew the buses back into town stopped
at a certain time and purposely waited
until after the last bus...
"Oh, we missed it." So that I'd stay over.
Only a bed in his room.
I'm not opposed to sharing a bed
if I know nothing's going to happen.
Otherwise, the only one I'd be
sharing a bed with is someone
I'm in a relationship with.
I'm too old for situation-ships.
Especially SINCE THAT''S ALL IT IS.
AND THAT'S ALL IT WOULD EVER BE.
Why did he think I'd agree to that, though?
Just because I got drunk ONCE?
AND WHY WASN'T THERE
ANYTHING AFTER THAT?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE AN INTEREST
IN HAVING ANYTHING MORE.
But I just kinda hope he feels embarrassed
about having told the guy THAT WE SMASHED
WHEN HE KNOWS THAT WE DIDN'T.
AND NOW KNOWING THAT I KNOW
THAT HE TOLD THE GUY
THAT WE SMASHED
WHEN HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW
THAT HE KNOWS
THAT WE DIDN'T.
I'd like for him to think about it.
How it'd be for him in that situation.
AFTER HE TOLD ME SOME GIRL USED HIM
TO CHEAT ON SOME GUY SHE WAS WITH.
So it seems it's okay to use me for that
if we were using each other like that?
------------------
I just got a call from my son.
Haven't heard from him in a long time.
I guess he got my message I left
saying that I'm moving
and that he can have what's his
that I kept for him here.
Definitely wasn't expecting to hear from him.
Said he can come over tomorrow and help me pack.
Told him I can help him out with some stuff,
and we made a deal. That if he can help sell some books,
he can keep the money.
And I told him that I have a domain for him.
He told me he goes to the math library
at one of the Universities.
The same University that I go to
to use the piano lol.
Told him I'll show him some songs.
Would be nice to sit side by side
with my son at the piano.
He was calling me from his father's phone.
Bugs me that my son's even still there.
But hopefully, tomorrow, he and I
can work on and talk about
actually spending time together
and talking.
He hasn't been in my life...
FOR HUGE GAPS.
AND IT HAD TO BE HIS CHOICE.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT MINE.
If it was mine, he'd have been with me.
The whole time.
All along.
We both had our things to learn, though.
Probably still do.
And I had to realize some things, on my own.
So does he. He's an "adult" now.
22 years old. I was 2 years into living here
when I was his age
and he was almost 3 years old.
His father and I were still living together,
but had broken up.
Looking back, ending that relationship
was a good thing and very necessary.
However, he didn't need to be spiteful
and do sneaky sh*t or whatever he had to do
to be given custody that I never signed off on.
After that happened, I was hoping that it'd
be a good thing that he got to know
his father, at least he'd have that.
I didn't get to have that.
Because my parents had split, too.
But... Just because we hoped something
doesn't mean it'll go the way we'd hoped.
Kinda like my friend hoping that we'd smash.
After him telling his buddy that we did,
He has a "flock" of pigeons
that live in a trailer.
He has goats and the goats sleep
in a big cabinet in the trailer.
He cooked us some steak on the BBQ.
It took a bit to start it up,
but he managed to fire 'er up.
We mostly chilled in his basement,
and watched the fire in his fire place.
I enjoyed the heat of the fire,
felt nice on my face.
He installed the fireplace himself.
On the way to his place, we picked up
some steak, onions, potatoes, mushrooms.
He picked up a case of 6 beers,
and I picked up a few cans of non alcoholic beer.
Should have known that he'd drink all 6.
And we were staying indoors
even though he wanted to take the 4-wheeler
for a spin, but best not to while drunk.
He can park it right in his basement,
warm it up next to the fireplace,
get it all toasty and go for a spin.
He has wide enough cellar doors.
That lead inside the basement from outside.
And we watched a few movies...
I remember having seen them before
but I hadn't remembered what they were called.
So one movie I'd picked, I'd seen it.
Anyway, my friend was being drunk
and apologizing for acting stupidly...
Sometimes it's funny,
but other times it kinda bugs me.
Bugs me to the point
that I'm not attracted to him.
He brought up the ONE TIME that I was drunk
and he and I "almost" "hooked up."
WE DIDN'T "SMASH."
He brought it up because he'd been hoping...
To pretty much "hook up."
And told me as much.
I don't "like" "sh00ting dudes down."
But I DON'T FEEL LIKE "SMASHING"
Anyone that I'm not "attracted to" in the sense
of what I find attractive.
And not anyone "hoping" to "smash."
I don't find that attractive.
Because that means they were already
thinking about me "in that way."
I'D LIKE TO THINK I'M MORE
THAN A "SMASHIN' GOOD TIME."
He tried giving me "reasons" why we should.
And his idea of what arrangement he wanted
between us etc...
For one: That's bold af.
Two: If I wanted that, I'd say it.
Three: Don't invite me over for the night hoping to "smash."
Four: If I was all about the D, I'd be all about the D.
Five: I'd want more than an "arrangement" IF I wanted anything.
Six: I'd like to just be A PERSON IN HIS LIFE
NOT ANYONE TO HOPE TO "SMASH."
Okay, so we sat down to address it
because we seem to have needed to do that.
Me: "I was drunk and I'm not that person anymore."
(It was like 14 years ago or longer.
Was before I quit drinking - 11 years ago).
Him: "I dunno, I just thought since we're both adults..."
"We're middle-aged..."
"I know that, but I don't want to go there."
And "that night" gets brought up.
"I figured since we..."
"That was a long time ago. I was drunk."
I WAS drunk, at the time
AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING AT THE TIME....
Pretty much stopped it where I stopped it
Because I realized going further than that,
was something I couldn't "take back."
If I had wanted to.
Then he starts going into "proposing an agreement"
that we "could have."
So I said: "If it was going to go further
than where it went,
it would have gone further. It didn't."
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
And he dropped it.
I don't like having to explain that
to anyone.
Especially someone who's been in my life
for as long as he has been...
He put me in a position to have to.
Which I didn't like,
but I didn't say anything about it.
I'll leave it to him to have a sit and think
about it. He will.
But also his job to bring THAT up.
AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT.
"It's going to drive me crazy
because I've been thinking about it for a long time."
WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
IS THE WAYS HE'S TREATED ME, BEFORE,
And yes, I forgave him for that:
"I forgot you were here."
BUT NONE OF THAT IS ATTRACTIVE TO ME.
SOMEONE ONLY WANTING AN ARRANGEMENT
ISN'T ATTRACTIVE TO ME.
SOMEONE WHO'D WANT TO JUST USE ME
IN THAT WAY... FOR THAT.
Without the "relationship" aspect,
what does it even mean to me? Anything?
If that wasn't awkward enough...
The next day, his buddy calls him up...
My friend tells his buddy he was "partying"
the night before.
"Who'd you party with?" - His buddy...
(They were on speaker phone).
I don't know why my friend put him on speaker phone).
"With A***. You remember A***?"
"The one you smashed?" His buddy.
"Yeah, once, a long time ago." My friend.
WE DID NOT SMASH.
Then I guess my friend realized
that they were both on speaker phone
and that I could hear them both
because I was sitting right there.
So he tells the guy he's talking to
that they're on speaker phone.
"My bad, bro. I feel bad. I'm sorry."
"All good."
And they ended the conversation.
One) WE DIDN'T SMASH.
Two) Even if we had, which we didn't, why tell him?
Three) If he said THAT about ME, what else?
This is why I rarely "hook up" with anyone.
Guys talk to other guys, I guess...
About who they hook up with etc.
Or they'll ask if they have done "something."
I've had guys TRY to...
The guy who opened his door naked...
That was his "attempt" to "seduce" me.
The guy I was talking to who "pulled it out."
The guy who followed me to my appointment.
(THAT WAS CREEPY AF.)
And guys trying to give themselves reasons
to come see me...
"Can you take care of my cat?"
Turns into "Can I come over to "see my cat"?"
AND ONCE, I was hanging out with a friend.
He knew the buses back into town stopped
at a certain time and purposely waited
until after the last bus...
"Oh, we missed it." So that I'd stay over.
Only a bed in his room.
I'm not opposed to sharing a bed
if I know nothing's going to happen.
Otherwise, the only one I'd be
sharing a bed with is someone
I'm in a relationship with.
I'm too old for situation-ships.
Especially SINCE THAT''S ALL IT IS.
AND THAT'S ALL IT WOULD EVER BE.
Why did he think I'd agree to that, though?
Just because I got drunk ONCE?
AND WHY WASN'T THERE
ANYTHING AFTER THAT?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE AN INTEREST
IN HAVING ANYTHING MORE.
But I just kinda hope he feels embarrassed
about having told the guy THAT WE SMASHED
WHEN HE KNOWS THAT WE DIDN'T.
AND NOW KNOWING THAT I KNOW
THAT HE TOLD THE GUY
THAT WE SMASHED
WHEN HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW
THAT HE KNOWS
THAT WE DIDN'T.
I'd like for him to think about it.
How it'd be for him in that situation.
AFTER HE TOLD ME SOME GIRL USED HIM
TO CHEAT ON SOME GUY SHE WAS WITH.
So it seems it's okay to use me for that
if we were using each other like that?
------------------
I just got a call from my son.
Haven't heard from him in a long time.
I guess he got my message I left
saying that I'm moving
and that he can have what's his
that I kept for him here.
Definitely wasn't expecting to hear from him.
Said he can come over tomorrow and help me pack.
Told him I can help him out with some stuff,
and we made a deal. That if he can help sell some books,
he can keep the money.
And I told him that I have a domain for him.
He told me he goes to the math library
at one of the Universities.
The same University that I go to
to use the piano lol.
Told him I'll show him some songs.
Would be nice to sit side by side
with my son at the piano.
He was calling me from his father's phone.
Bugs me that my son's even still there.
But hopefully, tomorrow, he and I
can work on and talk about
actually spending time together
and talking.
He hasn't been in my life...
FOR HUGE GAPS.
AND IT HAD TO BE HIS CHOICE.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT MINE.
If it was mine, he'd have been with me.
The whole time.
All along.
We both had our things to learn, though.
Probably still do.
And I had to realize some things, on my own.
So does he. He's an "adult" now.
22 years old. I was 2 years into living here
when I was his age
and he was almost 3 years old.
His father and I were still living together,
but had broken up.
Looking back, ending that relationship
was a good thing and very necessary.
However, he didn't need to be spiteful
and do sneaky sh*t or whatever he had to do
to be given custody that I never signed off on.
After that happened, I was hoping that it'd
be a good thing that he got to know
his father, at least he'd have that.
I didn't get to have that.
Because my parents had split, too.
But... Just because we hoped something
doesn't mean it'll go the way we'd hoped.
Kinda like my friend hoping that we'd smash.
After him telling his buddy that we did,
when he knows that we didn't.
But even without that, I'm not about the D.
Why would I want to sleep with the guy
just because of our ages?
Or just because we're adults?
Or just because he'd like to make an arrangement?
Or tells at least ONE guy that we SMASHED?
I had hoped a lot of things.
But doesn't mean that I got them.
SHOULD I FEEL BAD OR MAD
THAT I DIDN'T GET THEM?
WOULD IT HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE
IF I HAD BEEN?
Just like: "Crying about it isn't going to change anything."
So is getting mad or bad about it going to change anything?
JUST getting mad about it is different
than getting mad about it AND doing something
TO SPITE SOMEONE
FOR BEING MAD AT THEM.
And I've been treated like I would ATTACK
IF I GOT ANGRY.
DO I HAVE TO ATTACK ANYONE
JUST BECAUSE I'M ANGRY?
NO? THEN WHY WOULD I?
Speaking about being angry, one of the goats
kept trying to headbutt the dog.
And the dog barked at the goat.
Warning barks.
I could have been mad at my friend
for even suggesting that we...
(whatever he was hoping for).
I can respect that he shot his shot or whatever,
But even without that, I'm not about the D.
Why would I want to sleep with the guy
just because of our ages?
Or just because we're adults?
Or just because he'd like to make an arrangement?
Or tells at least ONE guy that we SMASHED?
I had hoped a lot of things.
But doesn't mean that I got them.
SHOULD I FEEL BAD OR MAD
THAT I DIDN'T GET THEM?
WOULD IT HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE
IF I HAD BEEN?
Just like: "Crying about it isn't going to change anything."
So is getting mad or bad about it going to change anything?
JUST getting mad about it is different
than getting mad about it AND doing something
TO SPITE SOMEONE
FOR BEING MAD AT THEM.
And I've been treated like I would ATTACK
IF I GOT ANGRY.
DO I HAVE TO ATTACK ANYONE
JUST BECAUSE I'M ANGRY?
NO? THEN WHY WOULD I?
Speaking about being angry, one of the goats
kept trying to headbutt the dog.
And the dog barked at the goat.
Warning barks.
I could have been mad at my friend
for even suggesting that we...
(whatever he was hoping for).
I can respect that he shot his shot or whatever,
and didn't make it overly weird
like opening his door naked...
Which I told him about.
Maybe I should have kept that to myself
so that the dude who did it
wouldn't feel as embarrassed
as he might feel
that what he had hoped for
wasn't on my "radar."
And then, here I am blogging about it.
But at least he didn't go to an extreme about it.
"Always extreme with you." He said.
Talking about situations I've been in.
I'm thankful for that, actually.
But also, it bugs me.
That he told at least that buddy.
AND WHAT EXACTLY DID HE TELL HIM?
I asked him why, when he was driving me home,
He said he didn't know, that it was a long time ago,
and that it'd just come up.
HOW DOES THAT COME UP IN CONVERSATION?
"She's "off limits" bro. She and I
could have had a thing, still could."
If I was about the D, it'd be about that.
Always been more than the D. Much more.
Just... Who's getting that about me?
My friends? Who supposedly know me so well?
They'd know, by now, what I was looking for,
and what I'm not.
No exceptions to that.
Because I made exceptions, before.
Where did that lead me?
Heartache? BS?
I quit drinking.
Do you know what it's like being sober
around people who are drunk?
Even if they are your friends?
Someone I "dated" long distance...
He'd use to call me up all SLOSHED.
AFTER I HAD QUIT.
He was saying that where he lived
they let people come to AA, drunk.
And I was trying to explain to him
"that's what it's like when you call me, drunk."
I'd hear him, on the other end of the line
falling over into things etc.
LIKE I USED TO DO.
AND I ACTUALLY JUST LAUGHED AT MYSELF.
Until it got embarrassing.
Which it ought to be...
Anyway, being sober around someone drinking
to the point they pass out, drunk...
And all the jabs...
He gets jabby when he's drunk.
He's been so bad with drinking
that he's spilled beer in his lap.
"Beer Balls"
And I was "Gravy Tits"
Because we were out at a bar
and we got something to eat
that had gravy
and I spilled some on my shirt.
But I've graduated to "Twittle Toes"
because I was rotating my ankles
by the fireplace.
Despite the awkward "suggestions"
It was a nice night.
First time we saw each other
since "I forgot you were here."
I almost expected to hear it again
as I woke up, on the couch ffs.
If I'd followed his "suggestion"
He wouldn't have forgotten I was there.
He seems to remember that time
THAT WE DIDN'T SMASH, THOUGH.
I knew he was drunk so I wasn't holding
the "suggestion" against him.
And you don't know, until you know.
That if it was going to go further,
it would have gone further.
But now that he was telling someone
that we did actually "SMASH" ...
Why would I want to "SMASH"?
Does that turn me on?
Is it supposed to make me want him?
And what would that even look like?
I mean, situation-wise...
Why did I even ask that?
No interest in "smashing" anyone.
Not anyone saying we "smashed."
But had he not been on speaker phone,
I wouldn't have known about it.
Because it's not like he's going to admit
that without being asked about it.
And I did ask about it.
He did admit it, at least.
Probably would have been worse
asking about it after hearing it
right in front of me
and him trying to deny it.
"What am I going to do? Deny it?"
He'd say something like that.
It's just nice to chill, have a nice time together,
talk, hang out. As friends. Only friends.
Especially after that.
Offering me a situation-ship?
Maybe part of me is SINGLE
BECAUSE SOME GUYS
TEND TO THINK
THAT I'D SETTLE FOR THAT.
why should I?
Seems they would.
Their choice, but MY CHOICE
NOT TO WANT THAT.
WITH ANYONE
NOT JUST WITH HIM.
BECAUSE: FK THAT.
On a completely different note...
Seeing my son tomorrow is a big surprise.
Even that he called was a big surprise.
I saw his father's name come up
and I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE GUY.
ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT HE DID.
HE KNOWS THIS.
AND IF HE DOESN'T,
HE IS IN FOR A HARH
AWAKENING.
And it takes a lot of restraint...
Believe me on that.
Because I could have gone "psycho."
Full tilt and I mean FULL tilt.
BUT WHERE WOULD I BE IF I DID THAT?
JAIL?
OVER HIM?!
WHY WASTE MY FREEDOM ON HIM?
Why am I even wasting my thoughts on him?
My words, even?
But those were the sentiments
when I saw his father's name and number on my call display.
But I thought it could be related to my son so I answered it.
And he was on the other line!
Hopefully we weren't on speaker phone
with his father listening to us talking...
That'd p*ss me off.
But at least he let my son use his phone to call me.
He's not in ANY position to object to me
having a relationship with MY son.
Not anymore.
I'm hoping to actually get to have him in my life.
But I've hoped this so many times...
Been hurt many times.
I get that he is hurt, too. I get that.
I'm more than aware that I've let him down.
More than a few times.
But, usually, I've been a call away.
All these years, that I didn't hear from him,
didn't get to see him.
He said "Happy belated birthday" to me.
And apologizing for not calling.
He knows when my birthday is.
Two days before his own.
He says he's been doing a lot of reading lately.
Which is nice to hear.
I read him a book when he was a kid
called: "The Mountain of Adventure"
There were at least two books, but
maybe a few...
Because when I was in the 3rd grade,
our teacher read us the book called:
"The Island of Adventure"
Pretty sure that's what it was called.
Anyway, our teacher was also a librarian
or had been one. She knew the best books.
And we actually sat down, in kinda "rows"
of us kids, listening to our teacher read the book.
She was reading to us. It was nice.
Anyway, I got one of the books:
"The Mountain of Adventure."
That we read together when he was a kid.
It's not like his father's going to "remind him"
about anything I ever did for him
like opening his door naked...
Which I told him about.
Maybe I should have kept that to myself
so that the dude who did it
wouldn't feel as embarrassed
as he might feel
that what he had hoped for
wasn't on my "radar."
And then, here I am blogging about it.
But at least he didn't go to an extreme about it.
"Always extreme with you." He said.
Talking about situations I've been in.
I'm thankful for that, actually.
But also, it bugs me.
That he told at least that buddy.
AND WHAT EXACTLY DID HE TELL HIM?
I asked him why, when he was driving me home,
He said he didn't know, that it was a long time ago,
and that it'd just come up.
HOW DOES THAT COME UP IN CONVERSATION?
"She's "off limits" bro. She and I
could have had a thing, still could."
If I was about the D, it'd be about that.
Always been more than the D. Much more.
Just... Who's getting that about me?
My friends? Who supposedly know me so well?
They'd know, by now, what I was looking for,
and what I'm not.
No exceptions to that.
Because I made exceptions, before.
Where did that lead me?
Heartache? BS?
I quit drinking.
Do you know what it's like being sober
around people who are drunk?
Even if they are your friends?
Someone I "dated" long distance...
He'd use to call me up all SLOSHED.
AFTER I HAD QUIT.
He was saying that where he lived
they let people come to AA, drunk.
And I was trying to explain to him
"that's what it's like when you call me, drunk."
I'd hear him, on the other end of the line
falling over into things etc.
LIKE I USED TO DO.
AND I ACTUALLY JUST LAUGHED AT MYSELF.
Until it got embarrassing.
Which it ought to be...
Anyway, being sober around someone drinking
to the point they pass out, drunk...
And all the jabs...
He gets jabby when he's drunk.
He's been so bad with drinking
that he's spilled beer in his lap.
"Beer Balls"
And I was "Gravy Tits"
Because we were out at a bar
and we got something to eat
that had gravy
and I spilled some on my shirt.
But I've graduated to "Twittle Toes"
because I was rotating my ankles
by the fireplace.
Despite the awkward "suggestions"
It was a nice night.
First time we saw each other
since "I forgot you were here."
I almost expected to hear it again
as I woke up, on the couch ffs.
If I'd followed his "suggestion"
He wouldn't have forgotten I was there.
He seems to remember that time
THAT WE DIDN'T SMASH, THOUGH.
I knew he was drunk so I wasn't holding
the "suggestion" against him.
And you don't know, until you know.
That if it was going to go further,
it would have gone further.
But now that he was telling someone
that we did actually "SMASH" ...
Why would I want to "SMASH"?
Does that turn me on?
Is it supposed to make me want him?
And what would that even look like?
I mean, situation-wise...
Why did I even ask that?
No interest in "smashing" anyone.
Not anyone saying we "smashed."
But had he not been on speaker phone,
I wouldn't have known about it.
Because it's not like he's going to admit
that without being asked about it.
And I did ask about it.
He did admit it, at least.
Probably would have been worse
asking about it after hearing it
right in front of me
and him trying to deny it.
"What am I going to do? Deny it?"
He'd say something like that.
It's just nice to chill, have a nice time together,
talk, hang out. As friends. Only friends.
Especially after that.
Offering me a situation-ship?
Maybe part of me is SINGLE
BECAUSE SOME GUYS
TEND TO THINK
THAT I'D SETTLE FOR THAT.
why should I?
Seems they would.
Their choice, but MY CHOICE
NOT TO WANT THAT.
WITH ANYONE
NOT JUST WITH HIM.
BECAUSE: FK THAT.
On a completely different note...
Seeing my son tomorrow is a big surprise.
Even that he called was a big surprise.
I saw his father's name come up
and I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE GUY.
ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT HE DID.
HE KNOWS THIS.
AND IF HE DOESN'T,
HE IS IN FOR A HARH
AWAKENING.
And it takes a lot of restraint...
Believe me on that.
Because I could have gone "psycho."
Full tilt and I mean FULL tilt.
BUT WHERE WOULD I BE IF I DID THAT?
JAIL?
OVER HIM?!
WHY WASTE MY FREEDOM ON HIM?
Why am I even wasting my thoughts on him?
My words, even?
But those were the sentiments
when I saw his father's name and number on my call display.
But I thought it could be related to my son so I answered it.
And he was on the other line!
Hopefully we weren't on speaker phone
with his father listening to us talking...
That'd p*ss me off.
But at least he let my son use his phone to call me.
He's not in ANY position to object to me
having a relationship with MY son.
Not anymore.
I'm hoping to actually get to have him in my life.
But I've hoped this so many times...
Been hurt many times.
I get that he is hurt, too. I get that.
I'm more than aware that I've let him down.
More than a few times.
But, usually, I've been a call away.
All these years, that I didn't hear from him,
didn't get to see him.
He said "Happy belated birthday" to me.
And apologizing for not calling.
He knows when my birthday is.
Two days before his own.
He says he's been doing a lot of reading lately.
Which is nice to hear.
I read him a book when he was a kid
called: "The Mountain of Adventure"
There were at least two books, but
maybe a few...
Because when I was in the 3rd grade,
our teacher read us the book called:
"The Island of Adventure"
Pretty sure that's what it was called.
Anyway, our teacher was also a librarian
or had been one. She knew the best books.
And we actually sat down, in kinda "rows"
of us kids, listening to our teacher read the book.
She was reading to us. It was nice.
Anyway, I got one of the books:
"The Mountain of Adventure."
That we read together when he was a kid.
It's not like his father's going to "remind him"
about anything I ever did for him
out of love for him...
I wrote him a bed time song.
And as long as I was here, I'd sing it to him.
And he could pick 3 "stories" unless
we were reading a bigger story,
we'd just continue to read it.
We were reading "The Invisible Man" together.
My mother's uncle had the book
and I kept it.
Something I can pass to my son.
He said he doesn't want my father's guitar
but he might change his mind, one day.
It could be his first guitar like it's been my first.
He helped me put some of the stickers on it.
Here's a reason I put stickers on it:
One time, in the rooming house,
I'd accidentally left my keys on the kitchen counter.
Someone let themselves into my room, took it,
SOLD it.
When my bf (at the time) found out who did it,
he made them get it back from the guy
they sold it to, for me.
and apologize to me, to my face
for taking it in the first place.
Pretty sure someone might think twice
about taking something identifiable
as my guitar now
that it is even more identifiable.
Of course my friend and I listened to "Lit up again"
Buckcherry.
We actually went to see them, live.
They were playing downtown.
I had 2 tickets to go see it
and the guy I was going to take with me
he was being an @ss to me.
So I had to drag my friend out to go with me.
Because he was so depressed
with where he was at, in his life.
That he didn't want to go out and do anything.
But I had another ticket...
So we did go, together.
Not "together", just together.
If that makes sense. It wasn't a date.
He ended up having a blast. It was a good show.
Also I'm glad I got to go with someone.
Not "with" someone, just with someone.
I've had that happen, though.
Someone seeing me with a male
and thinking I'm "with" them.
Thinking we're "together" when we're only together.
My friend's dog was totally possessive of me.
I was sitting on the couch, with my knees crossed.
And his dog put his paw on my foot.
And looked right at my friend.
Like he was telling my friend that HE was claiming me.
Only saw this dog ONCE before.
He wasn't acting like that before.
My friend said he doesn't "do that" with anyone.
Just me.
I wrote him a bed time song.
And as long as I was here, I'd sing it to him.
And he could pick 3 "stories" unless
we were reading a bigger story,
we'd just continue to read it.
We were reading "The Invisible Man" together.
My mother's uncle had the book
and I kept it.
Something I can pass to my son.
He said he doesn't want my father's guitar
but he might change his mind, one day.
It could be his first guitar like it's been my first.
He helped me put some of the stickers on it.
Here's a reason I put stickers on it:
One time, in the rooming house,
I'd accidentally left my keys on the kitchen counter.
Someone let themselves into my room, took it,
SOLD it.
When my bf (at the time) found out who did it,
he made them get it back from the guy
they sold it to, for me.
and apologize to me, to my face
for taking it in the first place.
Pretty sure someone might think twice
about taking something identifiable
as my guitar now
that it is even more identifiable.
Of course my friend and I listened to "Lit up again"
Buckcherry.
We actually went to see them, live.
They were playing downtown.
I had 2 tickets to go see it
and the guy I was going to take with me
he was being an @ss to me.
So I had to drag my friend out to go with me.
Because he was so depressed
with where he was at, in his life.
That he didn't want to go out and do anything.
But I had another ticket...
So we did go, together.
Not "together", just together.
If that makes sense. It wasn't a date.
He ended up having a blast. It was a good show.
Also I'm glad I got to go with someone.
Not "with" someone, just with someone.
I've had that happen, though.
Someone seeing me with a male
and thinking I'm "with" them.
Thinking we're "together" when we're only together.
My friend's dog was totally possessive of me.
I was sitting on the couch, with my knees crossed.
And his dog put his paw on my foot.
And looked right at my friend.
Like he was telling my friend that HE was claiming me.
Only saw this dog ONCE before.
He wasn't acting like that before.
My friend said he doesn't "do that" with anyone.
Just me.
My friend has a tracker collar for his dog,
and a harness that has a "walkie talkie thing"
so that he can call his dog back home
with "temptations" of chicken.
FROM HOME.
And my friend can find his location
On the app.
His dog actually listens and comes home.
Because he knows chicken's waiting for him.
My friend has a trailer next to the goat pen...
Where he has the pigeons, and chickens...
He said he probably going to have to eat the chickens
who've been eating the eggs.
Sometimes they'll eat their own eggs supposedly.
Speaking of eggs, there's a type of chicken
that's all black.
Didn't know they existed, but I've seen one.
Because he has one.
And he says black chickens can lay black eggs.
We ate fresh eggs for breakfast.
He was making me something to eat,
grilled cheese.
I kept trying to watch him cooking
but he said "Look away."
Like you can't watch the artist doing their art lol.
He is a great artist, though.
I gave him my soapstone, hoping that he'd
get into carving and somewhere
he has bits for my dremel.
I found the case for the dremel,
but can't remember where it is, now.
I was using it, for carving.
Because it's so much faster than by hand.
The only thing I enjoy doing, by hand,
is polishing.
Because you can get most stones
as smooth as glass.
Glass is from sand and the grains are tiny stones...
But soapstone is an easy polish because of the type of rock.
But you start with the finest sandpaper...
As fine as you can find...
Then you use cloth, like felt etc...
But you do it so gently, that you're barely doing it.
There's an art to carving and there's an art to polishing.
And those who respect those arts,
respect those arts.
Besides it being an art, it's "constructive"
and "productive" and you can get so good at it
that you can surprise yourself.
Even talking about it makes me want to.
My friend gave me a geode.
He says I can have it as long as I display it
and tell a story about him lol.
He also said that he can build me a "mount"
for my "pay phone."
So I can put it on the wall like a "pay phone."
It's my back up phone.
It's a replica phone. But I'll have it
on my wall and a chair by it
so I can actually sit down, and use it.
Maybe he can help me build a "booth."
There are a few things I'd really like to get done.
Painting type stuff.
Good idea to bring a tarp, tie it down,
And use that to set anything
getting spray painted on.
So no paint gets on my balcony.
A few things I'd like to paint.
To change up the vibes in my new place.
But yeah... A lot I can't take with me.
Which isn't a bad thing...
The only silver lining of mirror smasher
smashing my mirror
is ONE LESS THING TO MOVE.
AND IT COULD HAVE BROKEN
ALL KINDS OF OTHER WAYS...
BUT THE DISRESPECT
AND THE DIREGARD
WAS WHAT BOTHERED ME
BEFORE IT GOT TO THAT POINT
AND I WARNED HIM
MORE THAN ONCE
NOT TO TAKE IT TOO FAR.
BECAUSE ONCE YOU TAKE IT TOO FAR,
THERE'S NO COMING BACK FROM THAT.
Just like there's no coming back from
doing what he did.
And no coming back from "smashing"
IF YOU WERE TO "SMASH" YOUR FRIEND.
BECAUSE ONCE YOU "SMASH"
YOU CAN'T "UNSMASH."
And I can't "undo" what I did do.
And I was hoping he'd just never bring it up,
but he went ahead and did it.
AND HE TALKED ABOUT IT.
There's no "untalking about it." Either.
And no "unknowing" that he did talk about it.
Even if it was 10+ years ago that he did.
He did and said he did.
But if I had done that?
Would he want other people
to know anything that was supposed to be
kept between him and I?
Shouldn't I have a say in telling my business, though?
Like he should have a say if he wants anyone to know?
Does it only matter when it's in regard to him?
And what do people think?
What were they were told?
About me?
And I'm supposed to want to "smash" after that?
Maybe part of me wouldn't mind a solid go.
Not with him, but... I dunno.
Thought I could trust him
to keep his mouth shut about it.
AND TO NEVER BRING IT UP, AGAIN,
and a harness that has a "walkie talkie thing"
so that he can call his dog back home
with "temptations" of chicken.
FROM HOME.
And my friend can find his location
On the app.
His dog actually listens and comes home.
Because he knows chicken's waiting for him.
My friend has a trailer next to the goat pen...
Where he has the pigeons, and chickens...
He said he probably going to have to eat the chickens
who've been eating the eggs.
Sometimes they'll eat their own eggs supposedly.
Speaking of eggs, there's a type of chicken
that's all black.
Didn't know they existed, but I've seen one.
Because he has one.
And he says black chickens can lay black eggs.
We ate fresh eggs for breakfast.
He was making me something to eat,
grilled cheese.
I kept trying to watch him cooking
but he said "Look away."
Like you can't watch the artist doing their art lol.
He is a great artist, though.
I gave him my soapstone, hoping that he'd
get into carving and somewhere
he has bits for my dremel.
I found the case for the dremel,
but can't remember where it is, now.
I was using it, for carving.
Because it's so much faster than by hand.
The only thing I enjoy doing, by hand,
is polishing.
Because you can get most stones
as smooth as glass.
Glass is from sand and the grains are tiny stones...
But soapstone is an easy polish because of the type of rock.
But you start with the finest sandpaper...
As fine as you can find...
Then you use cloth, like felt etc...
But you do it so gently, that you're barely doing it.
There's an art to carving and there's an art to polishing.
And those who respect those arts,
respect those arts.
Besides it being an art, it's "constructive"
and "productive" and you can get so good at it
that you can surprise yourself.
Even talking about it makes me want to.
My friend gave me a geode.
He says I can have it as long as I display it
and tell a story about him lol.
He also said that he can build me a "mount"
for my "pay phone."
So I can put it on the wall like a "pay phone."
It's my back up phone.
It's a replica phone. But I'll have it
on my wall and a chair by it
so I can actually sit down, and use it.
Maybe he can help me build a "booth."
There are a few things I'd really like to get done.
Painting type stuff.
Good idea to bring a tarp, tie it down,
And use that to set anything
getting spray painted on.
So no paint gets on my balcony.
A few things I'd like to paint.
To change up the vibes in my new place.
But yeah... A lot I can't take with me.
Which isn't a bad thing...
The only silver lining of mirror smasher
smashing my mirror
is ONE LESS THING TO MOVE.
AND IT COULD HAVE BROKEN
ALL KINDS OF OTHER WAYS...
BUT THE DISRESPECT
AND THE DIREGARD
WAS WHAT BOTHERED ME
BEFORE IT GOT TO THAT POINT
AND I WARNED HIM
MORE THAN ONCE
NOT TO TAKE IT TOO FAR.
BECAUSE ONCE YOU TAKE IT TOO FAR,
THERE'S NO COMING BACK FROM THAT.
Just like there's no coming back from
doing what he did.
And no coming back from "smashing"
IF YOU WERE TO "SMASH" YOUR FRIEND.
BECAUSE ONCE YOU "SMASH"
YOU CAN'T "UNSMASH."
And I can't "undo" what I did do.
And I was hoping he'd just never bring it up,
but he went ahead and did it.
AND HE TALKED ABOUT IT.
There's no "untalking about it." Either.
And no "unknowing" that he did talk about it.
Even if it was 10+ years ago that he did.
He did and said he did.
But if I had done that?
Would he want other people
to know anything that was supposed to be
kept between him and I?
Shouldn't I have a say in telling my business, though?
Like he should have a say if he wants anyone to know?
Does it only matter when it's in regard to him?
And what do people think?
What were they were told?
About me?
And I'm supposed to want to "smash" after that?
Maybe part of me wouldn't mind a solid go.
Not with him, but... I dunno.
Thought I could trust him
to keep his mouth shut about it.
AND TO NEVER BRING IT UP, AGAIN,
EVER !!!!!!
EXCLAMATION MARKS. !!!!!
!!!!!!!
But nope. On those 2 things.
Nope from a lot of people
regarding a lot of things.
THINGS THAT AREN'T EVEN TRUE.
BECAUSE WE DIDN'T SMASH.
He's the one who LIED so he should TELL THE TRUTH.
ESPECIALLY REGARDING ME.
He would want the same from me.
Not to lie about him.
What if I told everyone (or anyone)
that he and I "smashed."
When we didn't "smash."???
HOW WOULD THAT LOOK ON ME???
EXCLAMATION MARKS. !!!!!
!!!!!!!
But nope. On those 2 things.
Nope from a lot of people
regarding a lot of things.
THINGS THAT AREN'T EVEN TRUE.
BECAUSE WE DIDN'T SMASH.
He's the one who LIED so he should TELL THE TRUTH.
ESPECIALLY REGARDING ME.
He would want the same from me.
Not to lie about him.
What if I told everyone (or anyone)
that he and I "smashed."
When we didn't "smash."???
HOW WOULD THAT LOOK ON ME???
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