Laundry Fresh

Didn't get up to anything much for my birthday.
Had a major migraine most of the day, 
it's only just starting to subside and I have half and hour left.

Pretty much all I did was laundry, nap, 
talked to a couple of friends on the phone.

One, we were supposed to hang out. 
His car broke down. 

The other friend lives out of town, 
but he said that he comes into town on Mondays.
To go to the gym and said he'll come get me
to take me for chicken wings.

I really wanted to go to Wild Wings. 
He took me there for my birthday, once.

But he pretty much said the cheaper ones
are the bigger ones, near where he lives. 

Which is closer to Vars, than here.
One time he picked me up just to take me for a drive, 
to drive and talk, and smoke, and talk, and drive.

We won't get to do that anymore.
He got caught smoking and driving
and now it's automatic jail time.

Someone told me that his friend got caught
and she does her time over the weekends.

I forgot they still did that. 
But I guess they still do that.

I saved my Christmas joint from my folks
for my birthday, but couldn't really
get to enjoy anything
BECAUSE THE PAIN GETS SO BAD
THAT IF I COULD JUST PUKE TO MAKE IT STOP, 
I WOULD. 

Besides that, I needed to do laundry anyway. 
The birthday gift of clean clothes. 

Actually, I did go to the store today.
Which I probably shouldn't have, but I did. 

My intent was just to buy food. I did that, but, 
I had ideas from yesterday.
I picked up some paint.
And some Modge Podge lol. 

And some other stuff I DON'T NEED.
AND I'M ALREADY KICKING MYSELF
FOR NOT SAVING THAT MONEY.
THAT I SPENT.

Is it easier to justify it if it's under a certain amount?
I did my laundry, but my head hurts too much
to put it away right now. 

Someone had asked me, once,
"Why do you sort your clothes before you wash them?"

So that I don't have to sort them AFTER I wash them. 
Does that make sense or am I actually nutso?

I was trying to psych myself up to go to the pool hall.
For my birthday this year, but my head hurt so damn bad, 
I couldn't really enjoy anything. 

And I was just hoping to have nachos and chill. 
Which didn't get to happen. 

He could have asked someone if they'd mind
swinging by to pick me up
BECAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
AND HE SAID HE'D MAKE TIME FOR ME.

AT LEAST I GOT TO TALK TO 2 PEOPLE
WHO COULD HAVE CALLED ME, BUT DIDN'T. 


But at least I didn't almost die this year, so there's that.

Compared to other birthdays, this one's been kinda tame. 
Not what I would have wanted to do, 
but WHEN YOUR HEAD F*CKING HURTS SO BAD, 
AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, 
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE!!!!

Almost forgot that I bought myself a couple of Tiger malts. 
I almost forgot because I put them in a separate bag, 
so they don't have any chance of breaking on the way home. 
Which, thankfully, isn't very far.

I'd rather have a tame birthday than something happening to me.
HAD TOO MANY F*CKING THINGS HAPPEN
TO RUIN 99% OF MY BIRTHDAYS.
MY WHOLE LIFE.

I GET TIRED AND AM RUNNING FROM
THE BIRTHDAY CURSE LOL. 

And that one birthday, went into labor
AT 6AM.

WAS IN LABOR ALL DAMN DAY.
HE WASN'T BORN FOR 2 DAYS. 
42 HOURS OF LABOR. 

Not my best birthday. 
Labor pains are no joke. 

It barely snowed at all and I can hear them "removing" it.
THERE'S HARDLY ANYTHING THERE
TO REMOVE FFS.

But they have "contracts" that state 
EVERY TIME IT SNOWS....

EVEN THOUGH IT COULD MELT TOMORROW...

That coding project I brought up... It keeps me busy. 
Again, I'm not a designer. So something that looks "okay" to me,
I wonder if it actually looks okay, or if I'm just thinking it.

I try to convince myself that it does or I'll....
Want to redesign it for the billionth time. 

I got it closer to what I'm envisioning for it.
Bright white's been really f*cking jarring my eyes.
I dunno if I'm just getting old, or what.

Most sites are the traditional white backgrounds for stuff. 
Sure, some stuff is easier to see on a white background, 
but like I said, it's been jarring my eyes.

I've seen some really nice, slick designs...
That Bolt AI does good work. 

I can just paste my code into it and ask it to fix some things
with my code to change this or that, and it will. 

And I discovered an easier search way, to search my code
FOR SPECIFIC LINES
SO I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP SEARCHING 600+ LINES
OF CODE TO FIND ONE THING I'M TRYING TO FIX.

Most of coding, for me, is reading code, and replacing it.
Searching it, generating it, working on it, 
rinse and repeat.

You don't need to know how to write it. 
If you know how to read it, 
and what to copy and paste into where, 
pretty much good to go.

That seems to be a misconception. 
That coders know every line of code
that was ever written and they can just sit there, 
and plug away at it...

There is a difference between people who know
wtf they are doing vs people who don't. 

Always. When it comes to anything and everything. 

It's been a day, though, in some ways...

Yesterday, I went to my folks' place for dinner.
I saw that my mom kept my grade 8 grad pic
the one with all the students' photos on it.
She said to take it with me and the envelope. 

It was a little envelope in a big envelope. 
I asked her what was in it, she said she didn't know.
Pretty sure she knew, because she'd kept it from me
MY WHOLE LIFE.

Apparently, my father had given me a card
for my first Valentine's Day,
(His birthday).

He wrote that card to me on his 20th birthday.
She could have prepared me, just a little?
Or maybe given it to me sooner?
Even told me about it?

I had to stop telling my mother what I want.
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER
IF IT'S MY BIRTHDAY
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ANYONE.

Even when it comes down to minor freaking things. 
Like "Can we watch x movie?" No.
"I want to play another round of scrabble." No.
DOES NOT MATTER WTF IT IS.
EVEN SOMETHING SMALL. 
FOR ME. NO.

I definitely wasn't expecting that, 
BUT SHE LITERALLY WAITED MY
WHOLE LIFE TO EVEN TELL ME ABOUT IT FFS.

MAKES ME WONDER WHAT ELSE
SHE JUST NEVER GOT AROUND TO TELLING ME.

Did I tell you about the letters my father wrote to me?
Well, he wrote at least 2 of them, sent to me.

I didn't get them for a while...
I forget how long, but she just...
DIDN'T SEEM TO HAVE A NEED
TO HAVE F*CKING TOLD ME.

She did end up giving them to me.
I think she was even annoyed he wrote to me.

He wrote the letters after I told my mom
that I didn't want to see him anymore.

I SAID IT BECAUSE HE KEPT DOING THAT.
HE WOULD HAVE ME HAPPY THAT I WAS GOING TO SEE HIM.
AND HE'D LEAVE ME WAITING ALL F*CKING DAY
FOR HIM TO COME AND HE F*CKING LEFT ME
WAITING THERE. 
FOR HIM NOT TO SHOW UP.
FOR ME.

TOO MANY TIMES.

Two is pushing it.
After that, it's 
"I'm not f*cking doing this again."

I still think about Mirror Smasher.
He told me that when he was around 5 years old, 
he went to his dad's to see him for his birthday.

He dad had a party, and it was HIS birthday, 
not his dad's birthday...

He accidentally got locked outside,
on the balcony, all night, in the winter, 
5 years old, on his birthday.

STILL DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE HAD TO BE
F*CKING COLD TO ME.

I still think about that and thought about him
on HIS BIRTHDAY.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT, JUST BRINGS UP
FEELINGS OF RESENTMENT
THAT HE HAD TO F*CKING SEE
HOW FAR AWAY HE COULD PUSH ME.

SUCKS WHEN YOU NEEDED SOMEONE
TO BE IN YOUR CORNER, 
AND THE ONE PERSON
WHO ACTUALLY WANTED TO BE....

GOT TREATED LIKE THAT...

WHEN YOU HAVE NOBODY TO BLAME
BUT YOURSELF....

YOU CAN'T POINT A FINGER
WITHOUT 3 POINTING BACK.

Who do I have to blame for ME pushing people away?
Me. I have myself to blame for that.

SAME GOES FOR PEOPLE WHO PUSHED ME AWAY.
AND THAT WAS THE ONLY
CONSISTENT THING THEY DID.

BECAUSE EVEN WHEN THEY DID IT, 
FOR YEARS, I STILL GAVE CHANCES
FOR THEM TO JUST NOT DO IT.

UNTIL I SAID F*CK THIS AND LET THEM. 
LET THEM PUSH ME AWAY, WALK OUT OF MY LIFE ETC.

What sucks is being BLAMED FOR THEM BEING COLD
OR WHATEVER THE F*CK THEY WANT TO BLAME
FOR BEING HOW THEY CHOSE TO BE.

Here's something from a partially (or mostly) insane
person.... Whatever... I'm just getting old...

FRIENDSHIPS AND LOVE ARE LIKE FARTS.
IF YOU HAVE TO FORCE IT
IT'S PROBABLY SH*T.

Anyway, I bought a frozen dinner thing...
It's pesto ravioli. Two things I like...
But I tried this one, not enjoying it, 
but gotta finishing eating it.

I figure if I try new stuff, I'll know
if I like it or not and if I don't, 
I won't get it again. 

I remember having this talk about that
with the girl I used to hang out with.

She was saying: "Now that I'm an adult
I don't have to try new things. Because what if I don't like it?"

Because when she was a kid they'd get her to try new things.

And I said, "But what if you do?"
To her "What if I don't like it?"

BUT WHAT IF YOU DO?
WHAT IF YOU TRY THAT NEW THING
AND WAS LIKE OMG! THAT WAS BETTER THAN SEX!

SUPPOSEDLY CHOCOLATE
IS DEEMED BETTER THAN SEX
TO MOST LOL. 

It's some sort of something chocolate is made of
that hits "pleasure" centers in the brain. 

Over the last several years, I've always been a zillion miles away. 
So deep in my head that it's hard to actually enjoy anything. 

Even if I got "laid" I'm too stuck in thoughts etc
THAT I PROBABLY WOULDN'T GET TO
ENJOY IT THE WAY I SHOULD.

NOT THAT GETTING LAID'S A PRIORITY.
I'd like to think that when you get to a point in life
IT DOESN'T SEEM TO MATTER ALL THAT MUCH ANYMORE.

Like "Happy birthday! Here's a jar of vaseline! Go to town!"
Then they'll have to start calling it vageline LOLOL.

There's a combo lock I have with letters instead of numbers.
I hadn't used it in years...
I had to remember the word I used
to associate the combo code with LOL. 

Just give it time and there'll be something that'll be
"the new lmao" or whatever else they'll come up with. 

Just sucks my head hurt so bad today
and my friend's car broke down...

At least I have fresh, clean clothes!
Just to wear around at home LOL.