Exploring Pens

There's a site I like called Code Pen.
There's a bunch of stuff on there.

I like it because there's a lot of cool stuff.
I go there for some inspiration. 

I'm starting that dog site soon.
I have to wait a couple of days
for the DNS to connect
so the SSL connects.

Because the installation wasn't happening.
WITHOUT THE SSL.

Anyway, there was something on a site
about how to set up a SaaS on WordPress.

I'm interested in that kind of stuff.

The dog site is to set up an affiliate site
and connect people with dog resources etc.

The pet niche is pretty hard to stand out in, 
because it's pretty saturated, but it's just for the heck of it.
A "Why not see what happens?" Kind of thing.

Never know unless you try it?

Someone told me "I don't try stuff."
So I say: "Why not?"
She says: "Because what if I don't like it?"

THEN YOU'LL KNOW THAT YOU DON'T.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU DON'T TRY IT.
YOU CAN LIVE ASSUMING YOU WON'T.

What if people looked at pears for the shape of it?
"They look too weird to eat."
Or whatever thought came to their mind
JUST LOOKING AT THEM
BASED ON THEIR SHAPE...
WOULD ANYONE HAVE TRIED ONE?

And how would you know if you like pears
IF YOU NEVER TRIED ONE?

That goes for any fruit or food that is widely enjoyed. 
And if they never tried one?
If nobody had tried a pear, ever?
Because of how they look?
As an example of an excuse not to try them?

As a metaphor for new skills, too, I guess.
Not the best at piano or guitar, but I still like them. 

When I was 8, I wasn't great at knitting, 
BUT I COULD HAVE SAID F*CK THIS.
"I CAN'T KNIT,"
"I DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR IT."
OR WHATEVER EXCUSE TO JUST GIVE UP.

Or given up piano because sheet music's hard for me to read.
Or given up guitar because my hand got fractured
and even if I used to be able to do some stuff
I can't really do some stuff the way I used to.

But the way some people judge, by how they talk...
How they talk reveals the way they think.

IT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE.
TO SAY THE LEAST.

Judging people based on their abilities to perform, 
or whatever else.

Sure, some things are pretty impressive.

BUT SOME THINGS OTHERS FIND IMPRESSIVE
DOESN'T IMPRESS ME.

AND THEY SEEM TO WONDER WHY.

BECAUSE IT'S ONLY SOMETHING ON THE SURFACE.

As we get older, there are things we realize
THAT WE SHOULD HAVE VALUED ALL ALONG.

WHAT'S IMPRESSIVE IS KNOWING THE VALUE
OF WHAT IS TO BE VALUED.

AND NOT ACTING LIKE YOU CAN'T SEE
WHAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU.

(Metaphorically speaking.)

Could have actually listened to me
TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING
AND WHY I WAS SAYING IT.

Then want to blame me for choosing not to?

Then come back to me after choosing BS
I TOLD HIM HE DIDN'T HAVE TO CHOOSE
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE'S TELLING HIM TO.

IF SOMEONE WAS TELLING ME TO, 
THEY DON'T GET TO.

BECAUSE IT'S MY CHOICE. NOT THEIRS.

PEOPLE WHO WANT ME TO CHOOSE
SOMETHING THEY WANT ME TO CHOOSE
WANTS TO TAKE MY CHOICES AWAY.

IF THEY WANT TO DO THAT
THERE'S A REASON THEY WANT TO DO IT.

To have or get something. That's usually the reason.
UNLESS THEY DON'T WANT ANYTHING
WHICH IS RARE.

The points I was making, before, was that:
It should be fine is someone wants to move on
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN FINE.
BUT DOING IT IN SUCH A WAY
THAT COMES OFF AS IMMATURE, DISRESPECTFUL, 
WHATEVER...
NO NEED FOR IT.

JUST HAVE A MATURE CONVERSATION ABOUT IT.

That's what p*ssed me off about dating. 
THEY SEEM TO ASSUME
THAT I'D BE MORE UPSET WITH THEM
THAT I'D TRY TO GET REVENGE ON THEM ETC.

THAT I'D DO SOMETHING OUT OF CONTROL.

What did I do the two times I was disrespected?
I PACKED THEIR SH*T UP
FOR THEM TO COME GET IT TF OUT OF MY HOUSE.

DID I CHASE THEM DOWN THE STREET WITH A BAT?
WAS I WAITING HERE WITH MY BAT
TO DO ANYTHING TO THEM?

NO? WHAT DID I WANT AFTER THAT? ANYTHING?
OTHER THAN GET YOUR SH*T OUTTA MY HOUSE?

AND AFTER THAT GO F*CK YOURSELF.

DID I EVEN OWE THEM THE 'CURTESY' TO
PACK UP THEIR SH*T?
TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR THEM
TO GET IT TF OUT? NO?

THEN WHY WOULD I DO IT?
SO THEY'D GET TF OUT FASTER.

AND MIRROR SMASHER WAITS 7 MONTHS
TO ACCUSE ME OF STEALING
WHAT HE REFUSED TO COME GET.

THE FIRST TIME I SHOULD HAVE JUST
THROWN EVERYTHING OUT.

I'M TELLING YOU TO COME GET YOUR STUFF.
JUST DO IT SO I CAN MOVE ON
LIKE I DESERVE TO DO, IMMEDIATELY.

BUT HAD TO MAKE THAT A HUGE HASSLE FOR ME.
JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.

Would be cool for things to NOT have to be a hassle. 
AT ALL. ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M DOING A FAVOR.
A FAVOR I NEVER HAD TO DO.
BUT WAS I DOING IT FOR ME?
OR BECAUSE IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?
FOR HIM?

What was I hoping to "get" or "have"?
WHAT WAS I HOPING TO DO?

I WAS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING.
WHAT WAS THERE TO GET OR HAVE
WHEN NOTHING OF THAT SORT MATTERS?
TO ME?

AND WHY DO ANYTHING JUST FOR THAT REASON?

MAYBE WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR
WERE SOME RESULTS.
FOR HIM. 

BUT THAT WAS UP TO HIM, NOT ME.

BUT IT'S LIKE NOBODY SEES THE VALUE
IN THAT ALONE. 

SHOULDN'T THAT BE WORTH SOMETHING?

BUT KEEP TREATING SOMEONE
AS THOUGH THEY AREN'T...

THEY DON'T HAVE TO STAY.
NOTHING SAYS THEY DO.

WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO?

Just would have been nice. For me, too, but...
THAT WAS HIS CHOICE.
AND HE MADE HIS CHOICES.

BECAUSE HOW HE WAS ACTING
WAS P*SSING ME OFF.
BECAUSE HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING.
AND KEPT CHOOSING TO DO IT.

IMMATURITY, AND DISRESPECT.
THEN TRYING TO ACT
LIKE HE NEVER DID ANYTHING.
AND THAT IT'S JUST ME "BEING CRAZY."

Why would I stick around for that?
IS THAT SH*T SUPPOSED TO IMPRESS ME?

But I'm supposedly intimidating because I find that to be BS?
and would rather be on my own than "deal" with anyone's BS?

BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN'T BE
BRINGING IT TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?

but to bring it to me and expecting me to be okay with it, 
NO.

AND WHEN I'M SAYING IT,
THERE IS A REASON FOR IT.

DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD SAY YES
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO.

DO YOU OWE THEM A YES?
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT IT?
NO.

YOU DON'T OWE THEM A YES.
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT IT.

EVEN IF THEY GET MAD.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T.

I stopped letting mirror smasher to use me
BECAUSE IF HE RESPECTED ME, 
APPRECIATED ME, 
VALUED ME,
HE WOULDN'T HAVE EVER
TREATED ME THE WAY HE DID.

DO I NEED ANYONE AROUND ME?
TO USE ME? NO?
PRETTY SURE I DON'T.

This is why I stick to myself more.
AND APPRECIATE THE TIME I HAVE.
TO THINK FOR MYSELF.

AND NOT WASTE IT ON USERS.
WHO ONLY WANTED ME AROUND
TO BENEFIT THEM IN SOME WAY.

Or they'd want me around and treat me
AS THOUGH THEY VALUED ME.
WHICH THEY CHOSE NOT TO DO.

I WAS ONLY VALUABLE
IF I WAS COMPLIANT 
AND IF I LET THEM ASK ME FOR STUFF.
AND THEY'D EXPECT ME TO SAY YES
TO LOANING MONEY OR BUYING STUFF.

OTHERWISE, WHAT USE WOULD I BE? FFS.

IMAGINE BEING TREATED LIKE THAT?
OBVIOUSLY, WHY WOULD I STAY?

TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT SOME MORE?
WHEN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL
NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT AT ALL?

DID I TREAT THEM LIKE THAT?
JUST ASK THEM FOR STUFF ALL THE TIME?
ASK FOR MONEY FROM THEM?

BUT THEN DON'T EVEN ASK ME
HOW I'M DOING?

I KNOW BETTER THAN TO ASK PEOPLE
FOR ANYTHING, 
EVEN IF I REALLY NEED IT.
IT'S STILL REALLY F*CKING HARD FOR ME
TO ASK, ANYONE.

AND WHEN I EVER DO, 
I'M MADE TO FEEL LIKE I NEVER HAVE.
NEVER SHOULD HAVE.

SHOULD NEVER HAVE.
HOWEVER YOU SAY IT.

THEN I FEEL LIKE WHY SHOULD I?
EVERY DAMN TIME I TRIED TO...

HOW WAS I TREATED?
FOR WHAT? TRYING TO?
WANTING TO?
WHAT? EXACTLY?

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT HARD FOR ME.
AND IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD.
FOR THAT ONE F*CKING THING.
UNDERSTANDING.
JUST THAT.

But what should someone really expect in this world anymore?
Anything? Better than that?

Because it seems to be just so easy
for manipulators to get what they want.

AND THEY DO IT TO GET WHAT THEY WANT.

And why should I just do that sh*t to try to get something?
Is anything worth it enough to me
to be about any of that for?

I'd only be playing games if I acted like that, correct?
Why would I wear myself out by constantly
trying to have or keep control over something?

I mean, other than myself. 
Shouldn't be wearing ourselves out
just to control ourselves, but I digress.

It just bothers me that I know
THAT I SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTING
CERTAIN THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE.

Including expecting them to want to stick around
AFTER I ACTED THE WAY I ACTED.
BEFORE I TOOK A LOOK AT
HOW I ACTED
AND WHY I ACTED LIKE THAT.

AND DECIDED I DIDN'T HAVE TO ACT LIKE THAT.
AND ACTING LIKE THAT WAS A CHOICE.
BECAUSE IT IS.

JUST LIKE THE CHOICE TO WHAT?
TO NOT ACT LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WHY THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO
ACT LIKE THAT TOWARD ME.

I'M NOT THE ONE DOING IT TO THEM.

Because if I had punched back...
I could have done damage.

Did I want to punch back?
A part of me did, a part of me didn't.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I HAVE WANTED TO?
JUST BECAUSE HE PUNCHED ME?
WAS THAT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON?

WAS HIS "REASON" TO PUNCH ME, 
WAS THAT A GOOD ENOUGH "REASON" TO DO IT?

Or could he have chosen:
"Whoa what am I doing?"
I was upset for a reason. 
In the first place.

And mirror smasher always had that one
like poised to pounce on me or whatever.

INSTEAD OF BEING ABOUT:
NO. I'M NOT COOL WITH THAT.
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T BE COOL WITH IT,
IF SHE DID THAT SH*T TO YOU.

To put a stop TO IT at the beginning. But to join in?
AND IT'D STILL NOT BE COOL
IF I DID ANY OF THAT SH*T TO THEM?

But that's just me "being crazy."

AND THEN WONDER WHY THEY CAN GO F*CK THEMSELVES
WHEN IT COMES TO WANTING ANYTHING FROM ME.

AND EVEN IF PEOPLE WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED
FROM ME DOESN'T MEAN I OWED THEM.

EVEN IF THAT MAKES THEM MAD.

DO THEY OWE ME? JUST BECAUSE I WANT WHATEVER?
NO? THEN WHY WOULD I?

BUT THEY STILL TRY ANYWAY.

NO, THANKS.

I give them the chance to show me how they are. 
Bugs me they are one way with me
AND ANOTHER WAY WITH OTHERS.

THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY TREAT ANYONE
THE WAY THEY TREATED ME?

THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T DO THAT
TO THEM, RIGHT?

WHY WOULD THEY? EVER?
THEY WANT THEM TO THINK WELL OF THEM...

DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK, I GUESS.
Or else why act like that? To me?

AND DON'T LET ME SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT, EVER.

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME, ETC?

It just bothers me because they don't do this sh*t
TO PEOPLE THEY WANT TO KEEP IN THEIR LIVES.

BECAUSE IF THEY DID, 
THAT PERSON WOULDN'T STICK AROUND FOR IT.

AND IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IT SHOULD LOOK.
ON THEM SELVES AND CAN'T BLAME THEM FOR IT.

AND THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WOULD LOSE.

SO THEY WHAT? THEY DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. TO THEM.
THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST.
ABOUT DOING IT TO ME.

And getting blamed for it. 
Because of lies and other bs.

INSTEAD OF JUST ASKING ME.
INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO EVERYONE 
OTHER THAN ME.

"DON'T LISTEN TO HER! SHE'S CRAZY!"
"I TRIED TO STEP TO HER AND SHE DROPPED ME.
NOW I'M SCARED AND DUNNO WHAT TO DO."
"SHE'S CRAZY. SHE MIGHT DO SOMETHING."

IF I WAS GOING TO DO SOMETHING,
I WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING "CRAZY."

I WOULD HAVE LOST "CONTROL" OF MYSELF. 
IF I EVEN HAD "CONTROL" OVER MYSELF TO LOSE.

INSTEAD WHAT? I'M HERE POINTING THAT OUT?
LIKE I HAVE TO POINT OUT THINGS
THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO POINT OUT?

About anything, really. 

Why do I even bother pointing things out?
Is there a point in it? Maybe there isn't.

Not trying to convince anyone and dgaf if anyone agrees.
This is coming from where I'm coming from. 


AND PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU POINT SOMETHING OUT.
"BLAH BLAH. NOT LISTENING."

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE THE FACT
YOU HAVE A POINT.

THAT'S WHY THEY'LL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO MAKE IT A HASSLE FOR YOU.
EVERYTHING.

INCLUDING GETTING YOUR BELONGINGS.
BECAUSE WHY MAKE THAT EASY?
FOR ME TO JUST MOVE ON IMMEDIATELY?

LIKE THEY WOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO DO.
AND WHAT WOULD THAT SAY ABOUT ME
FOR NOT GRANTING THEM THAT RIGHT?

I'M NOT CRAZY FOR WANTING THAT RIGHT.
YOU'D WANT THAT RIGHT, TOO.

THE RIGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GRANT ME.
BECAUSE WHY NOT TRY TO ANTAGONIZE ME EVEN MORE
BY MAKING IT A HUGE HASSLE FOR ME
TO JUST MOVE ON WITHOUT MORE BS?

EVERYTHING WAS A HUGE HASSLE FOR ME
JUST BEING THERE, 
SO WHY MAKE IT A HASSLE
WHEN I DON'T F*CKING WANT TO BE THERE?
ANYMORE?

Shouldn't be a hassle either way ffs.
SO WHY WAS IT THEN? ALWAYS?
WITHOUT FAIL?

A HASSLE FOR ME TO EVEN WANT SOMETHING.
AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

Not something anyone should have to bend over backward
to just do. 

TREAT ME AS YOU WOULD TREAT SOMEONE
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO LOSE.

Don't just try to keep me around to use me
TO GET THINGS YOU WANT
TO GET THINGS YOUR WAY

BECAUSE I SEE THAT FOR WHAT IT IS.

IF I SHOULDN'T BE THAT WAY TO YOU, 
DON'T BE THAT WAY TO ME.

SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD.

I shouldn't have to teach people
WHO SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THIS STUFF.
IT P*SSES ME OFF. 

BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE ACTING
LIKE THEY ALREADY KNOW THIS STUFF.

AND IF THEY WERE, IF THEY DID, 
WOULD BE NO REASON
TO BRING IT UP, RIGHT?

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BRING UP
HOW A GROWN ADULT IS CHOOSING TO ACT.
IN GENERAL, LET ALONE TO ME.

Should I just have to take "sorry" from everyone?
FOR THINGS THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO DO?

AND TO DO IT JUST TO BLAME IT ON ME.

FOR HAVING SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT SOMETHING?
WHY SHOULD THERE BE ANYTHING TO SAY?
ABOUT A WAY YOU DON'T NEED TO BE?
TO ME?

WHY WOULD THEY "WANT" TO?
ACT LIKE I WAS THE ONE DOING THIS SH*T TO THEM?
LIE AND SAY I WAS DOING ANYTHING
I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE
BECAUSE I DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.

WHO WOULD RESPECT ME IF I DID?
BUT DO THEY RESPECT ME AT ALL?

IF THEY DID, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE?
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO?

Anyway, by now you know why I keep bringing it up.
And why I shouldn't have to bring it up.
At all, even once.

BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

MAYBE THERE'VE BEEN TIMES I WAS UNREASONABLE.
HOWEVER, PRETTY SURE THERE'VE BEEN TIMES
THAT I'VE BEEN MORE THAN REASONABLE.

WITH PEOPLE WHO SEEM TO WANT TO REFUSE.
COMPLETELY.

TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO UNDERSTAND.

Because if they understood. 
WOULD THERE BE ANY BS FROM THEM?

THEY'D ALSO UNDERSTAND
WHY THERE'S NO BS FROM ME.

WHY I TELL THE TRUTH.
EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT.
HEAR IT OR UNDERSTAND IT.

IT'S STILL TRUE.

Someone once said: "You don't have to beat me in the head with it."
Maybe I shouldn't.

When everything's a hassle and a bs pot of bs soup...
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA FORCE FEED ME
YOUR BS SOUP.

I'LL SMACK YOU CLEAR ACROSS NEXT WEEK
WITH THAT FACT ALONE.

UNTIL YOU GET IT.

AND BE THANKFUL I'M ONLY SMACKING YOU AROUND
WITH THE CLEAR CUT FACTS.
AND NOTHING MORE THAN THAT.

IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING RIGHT, THOUGH.
IT'S ABOUT FACTS BEING FACTS.

ABOUT HOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ABOUT BS.
ABOUT HOW I'M NOT GOING TO PRAISE YOU
FOR YOUR BS SOUP.
HOW I'M NOT GOING TO BE FORCED TO EAT IT.
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT ME TO?
FOR WHAT REASON?

INSTEAD, BE MINDFUL
OF WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.
THAT I'M AWARE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.
THAT YOU CAN F*CK AROUND, 
BUT YOU WILL FIND OUT.

AND WHEN YOU FIND OUT, 
YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR IT. 
BECAUSE YOU CHOSE THAT.
I DIDN'T. 

But the EXTRA AUDACITY
ON TOP OF THE BLANTANT AUDACITY...

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN DO?
MAKES YA LOOK EVEN WORSE?

AND THEN GO LIE ABOUT WHAT YOU EVEN DID
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE
TO PEOPLE YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT TO.
TO EVERYONE WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT.

Anyway, getting stuff off your chest
can feel nice sometimes.

JUST WISH THERE WASN'T ANYTHING
TO GET OFF MY CHEST.

That'd be ideal, wouldn't it?
Just nothing to say about anything.

ESPECIALLY HOW PEOPLE
CHOOSE TO TREAT YOU
AND CHOOSE TO TREAT OTHER PEOPLE.
OTHER THAN YOU.

AND EXPECT YOU TO JUST TAKE THAT SH*T.
AND EVEN STAY FOR MORE OF IT FSS!

I'VE HAD THAT SH*T DONE TO MY FACE!
WHY SHOULD I BE OKAY WITH THAT?

DOING IT TO ME, AT ALL, 
SAYS WHAT?

SAYS: YOU'RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH
NOT TO DO THAT, PERIOD.

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS TO ME.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT

THAT DOESN'T GET YOU THE ATTENTION.
THE "PRASISE" FOR YOUR BS SOUP.

Like should I follow you around throwing confetti?
Celebrate how "great" you are?
Kiss your @ss?

Etc, 

IF YOU'RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH
NOT TO DO THAT?

But, okay then... Why do people
DEFEND THEIR IMMATURITY?

Maybe that's all they know how to do.
No excuse, but any excuse
THEY'LL USE AS AN EXCUSE.


I USED TO DO THAT.
I GAVE MYSELF EXCUSES TO DRINK.

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I STOPPED DOING THAT?
I REALIZED A LOT.

Stuff started making sense.
THAT SHOULD HAVE MADE SENSE SOONER.

STARTED GETTING MY HEAD OUT OF MY @SS.
WHEN YOU DO, YOU CAN SEE HOW
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE THEIR HEADS UP THEIR @SS.

YOU CAN SEE WHICH WAYS YOURS WAS.
EVEN HOW DEEP IT WAS.
IT'S WILD SOMETIMES.

But what's probably the wildest thing is that
people can get their heads out of their @ss
ONE CHOICE AT A TIME.

STARTING WITH CHOOSING TO CHOOSE.

INSTEAD OF BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO.

LIKE THAT FEMALE WHO WAS TRYING TO COME AT ME.
FOR KICKING MIRROR SMASHER OUT.
WHEN IT HAD EVERYTHING TO DO
WITH THE BOTH OF THEM.

HIS BS AND HERS.
SEPARATELY AND COLLECTIVELY. 

AND THEIR IMMATURITY.
ANYWAY, SHE PROBABLY DEMANDED MY NUMBER
FROM HIM TO COME AT ME.

AND HE JUST DID IT.
BECAUSE SHE DEMANDED HIM TO DO IT.

Could have realized he doesn't have to give into her demands.
BECAUSE WHY? 
BECAUSE DID I GIVE HIM PERMISSION
TO GIVE MY NUMBER TO HER?

BECAUSE DOES SHE HAVE TO JUST
GET WHATEVER SHE WANTS
WHENEVER SHE WANTS?
JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED MY NUMBER
TO COME AT ME.

BECAUSE WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?

BECAUSE DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE HERS?
EVEN IF I WANTED IT?

BECAUSE DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO COME AT HER?
EVEN IF I WANTED TO?

BECAUSE DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO TRY TO CONTROL HER?
WITH ANY KIND OF THREAT OR BS?

NO. I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO.
EVEN IF I WANTED TO.

BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN BS THOUGH? FR?
THAT'S THE AUDACITY, 
THE EXTRA AUDACITY.

It would be audacious of me! Correct?
IF I THOUGHT I HAD A RIGHT TO?
JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO?

LIKE JUST WANTING SOMETHING
DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HAVE IT.

But it's funny how someone wants something
Just because I did, at the time.
Had to try to make it some f*cked up game.

"I have to win at all costs."

AND THE MOMENT I CATCH WHIFF
OF THE GAME AND BECOME 
DISGUSTED AND DISINTERESTED.

WITH AND IN THE BS, 
IT DOESN'T BECOME SOME "FUN" THING
ANYMORE. LOL.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT AT MY EXPENSE
ANYMORE. LOL.

BECAUSE WAS THERE ANYTHING
WORTH GAINING

IF ALL IT WAS... WAS BS SOUP?

BECAUSE IF IT WASN'T BS SOUP,
THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
ANY OF IT, PERIOD. 

AND WHY SHOULD I HAVE GIVEN
CHANCES NOT TO BE ABOUT IT?

WHY WAS I HOPING THAT THEY'D STOP
BEING ABOUT IT?

I WAS BEING ABOUT IT
BY LETTING THEM BE ABOUT IT.

BUT WHAT GIVES ME THE RIGHT?
TO DEMAND SOMETHING?
OF VALUE? LIKE:

"STOP BEING ABOUT IT."

"UNDERSTAND WHAT RIGHTS YOU DON'T HAVE."
SAME RIGHTS I DON'T HAVE.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T DO CERTAIN THINGS

THAT YOU THINK YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO DO.
BUT YOU DON'T! SO JUST DON'T!

And if people just "followed" my "demands."
Just those. 

What do you think could happen?
DO YOU THINK THEY MIGHT EARN
A LITTLE BIT OF RESPECT FROM ME?
POSSIBLY?
POTENTIALLY?

And with that respect they might show me something
OTHER THAN WHAT THEY CHOSE TO SHOW ME.

AND WHEN ANYONE SHOWS YOU,
THEY ARE CHOOSING TO DO IT.

AND LIKELY, VERY LIKELY, 
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING
OR THEY WOULDN'T DO IT.

Maybe some people are so immature
that they don't know how not to be immature.

Could I give myself that excuse for being immature?
OR IS THERE AN EXCUSE FOR IT?

BUT AM I WORRIED ABOUT NOT BEING 'GOOD ENOUGH'
FOR SOMEONE THAT IMMATURE
THAT HE COULDN'T JUST... NOT BE ABOUT IT?

I've been about some BS, before, in my life.
I GAVE MYSELF EXCUSES FOR BEING ABOUT IT
BECAUSE I HAD BEEN AROUND PEOPLE
WHO DID THAT.

WHO STILL DO THAT.
AND THEY'LL ONLY STOP DOING IT.
IF THEY CAN SEE THAT THEY DO IT.

AND IT ISN'T MY FAULT
THAT THEY CHOSE TO DO IT.

WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP.
RAGING ETC, SPYING ETC.

DOESN'T GIVE THEM THE RIGHT.
DOESN'T GIVE ME THE RIGHT.

IF I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT, DO YOU? NO.

SO MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, 
SHOULDN'T ACT LIKE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
THAT YOU DON'T F*CKING HAVE!!!!

There, I said it. 

THAT is what it's about.
SHOULDN'T ACT LIKE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT
THEY ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE.

TO ME, BUT IN GENERAL.

And yeah, a younger, immature version of myself...
I HAD TO LEARN THAT TOO.

WAS IT PLEASANT TO HAVE TO? NO?
BECAUSE IT REQUIRED WHAT?
IT REQUIRED ME HAVING TO LOOK AT MYSELF.

ASK MYSELF THINGS LIKE:
WHAT MADE ME THINK XYZ?
THAT I HAD THE RIGHT TO XYZ?

DESPITE THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T
AND DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO XYZ?

DID I WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF? NO.
BECAUSE I KNEW ON SOME LEVEL
I WASN'T THE BETTER VERSION OF MYSELF.

WHERE I COULD GET BACK TO ABC
WHILE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE STUCK
ON XYZ.

AND WANT ME TO BE STUCK ON XYZ
WITH THEM.

OR BECAUSE OF THEM.

DO I HAVE TO BE ON XYZ?
IF XYZ IS BS,
DO I HAVE TO BE ABOUT IT?

NO? BECAUSE WHY?
I CAN CHOOSE NOT TO BE ABOUT IT.
BECAUSE WHY?
I KNOW THAT, BY NOW,
I DON'T HAVE TO BE ABOUT IT.

TO TRY TO MAKE MYSELF "FEEL BETTER."
ANY KIND OF BS
THAT "MADE" ME "FEEL BETTER"
WAS WHAT? STILL BS?
YES. STILL BS.

But does refusing any accountability
FOR ACTING LIKE YOU HAD A RIGHT
THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY DON'T HAVE

MEAN THAT YOU WON? OR LOST?

But did I have a right to "beat them in the head"
WITH THE FACTS?
Sometimes I feel like just saying it ONCE
should be efficient.
Sufficient.

Understood.

Not just what I'm saying, but why.

BUT WHO WANTS WHO TO LISTEN TO WHO?
WHO OWES WHO AN APOLOGY?
WHY THOUGH?

BECAUSE THEY ACTED
LIKE THEY HAD THE RIGHT
THEY DON'T HAVE?

I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING TO RUN LIKE A B*TCH
AFTER ACTING LIKE A TW@T.

BUT TO BLAME ME FOR IT?
LIKE HOW THEY ASSUMED SH*T?
DIDN'T ASK ME?

Anyway, I've already written about it.
Countless times.

And countless other things like this.
They cannot put it on me how they choose to act.

Whether all I'm doing is stating facts.
Or pointing something out, 
or not.

Like it's my fault there's something to POINT OUT.
Is it my fault that life's not fair?
Is it anyone's fault that life's done me?
Due to my own choices?

Did I have to choose what I chose? No.

Anyway, that's it for a bit.