Without Them

Looking back, there were lots of times and way too many reasons
that I SHOULD have walked tf away and for walking tf away.

Why did I spend too much time ruminating on that?
THERE WAS NOTHING THERE.

OR I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN TREATED LIKE THAT!

Things would have just flowed, like they COULD HAVE.
THEY DIDN'T, BUT THAT WASN'T ON MY END.

I PUT TOO MUCH ON HOLD FOR TOO LONG.

I feel like I have to somehow make up for all the wasted time.
TIME I ALLOWED MYSELF TO WASTE.

For what, though? Not validation.
Validation, maybe 20 years ago, but not now.

If anyone doesn't see what they have right in front of them.
IT'S F*CKING POINTLESS TO TRY TO
CONVINCE THEM OF YOUR WORTH.

SO DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME
WITH POINTLESS PURSUITS.

And maybe that's this version of me
trying to "reach" the younger version of me
that had to learn from all the wasted time and effort
that I could have put in another direction, entirely.

"Disrespect closes doors apologies won't reopen."
Don't be afraid to tell them to gtfo.

And when you do, and they get mad, 
stand on it anyway.

If they truly cared, they wouldn't have done you like that.
BUT THEY CHOSE TO DO THAT.

When they choose, let them choose and
LET THEM STAND ON THEIR CHOICES.

I'm even mad at myself for wasting all that time.
Time is something to value and use wisely.
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET IT BACK.

JUST LIKE TRUST AND RESPECT.

But when they try to change their mind about you
AND WISH THEY TREATED YOU BETTER, 
EVEN BETTER THAN BETTER,

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE!
ESPECIALLY IF YOU ALREADY GAVE THEM TOO MANY!

But ONE is all they should get. TWO if they are lucky.
But anything more than that, that's them trying to take advantage
OF THE FACT YOU WERE WILLING TO
GIVE THEM A CHANCE.

And if they CHOOSE to not take the opportunity, 
IS THAT ON YOU OR ON THEM?

I'm disappointed, yes, but that feeling isn't anything new.
Disappointed with myself for even putting myself through that sh*t.

LET ALONE KEPT PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH THAT SH*T.

But it's funny how people change their minds
WHEN THEY SEE YOU ARE DOING BETTER
WITHOUT THEM.

And when they are disappointed with what they CHOSE lol.
That's on them, not on me.

And sometimes they choose it when they can't see
whatever it is they needed to see about it.
And when they see it a little too late.

Little too late or wayyy too late.

And when it has to do with whatever anyone else thinks...
That's still on them, not on me.

I endured sooooo much SH*T.
THAT I LET MYSELF ENDURE!!!!
BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO!!!!
I DIDN'T HAVE TO STAY FOR ANYTHING
THAT I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR!!!!

The joke's on anyone who was trying to play with me.
BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THEM TO BE HAPPY.

OR I'D STILL BE LETTING MYSELF
ENDURE EVEN MORE BS!!!!

When someone sees that they could have actually
BUILT WITH ME.

But when they only care about status and 
let their ego run their life...
They'll let their ego ruin their life.
Because it'll get in the way of everything.
And they'll choose it over anything.

And if they try to come back, wearing a mask, 
I'll see right through that sh*t.
Because they have already shown me.

And you don't have to let anyone show you TWICE.
LET ALONE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FALL FOR
ANYTHING ANYONE WANTS YOU TO
OR EXPECTS YOU TO FALL FOR.

YOU JUST DON'T!

Lots of things I did that I didn't have to do.
As an example: I didn't have to give myself excuses.
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR ANYONE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOURSELF.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACCEPT ANYONE'S EXCUSES.

Because if you keep accepting excuses, that's what you're gonna get.

They can try to come back, but they aren't allowed
to benefit off of me.
And that'd be the only reason they'd want to come back.

Because of where I'm headed, without them.
Where I could be headed with someone other than them.

Not that I even want to be with anyone, now.
Can't discount any possibilities with someone new
because of past sh*t that has nothing to do with them.

Imagine pushing the right one away
because you're not ready?
Or because someone else f*cked up?

But I f*cked up by giving people
WHO KEPT F*CKING UP
MORE CHANCES THAN THEY DESERVED.
FULL STOP ON THAT.

It's not that I never f*ck up.
I do and when I do, I do it with flying colors.

It's like they only REGRET not taking the opportunity
with me when they see me doing well.

And by then, it's wayyyyyy too late.
That must suck! Hahahaha.
I'd be angry, too. 
At myself, if I were them.

For wasting a good opportunity, they could have had.
To actually form a partnership and get down to business.

AND I WILL NOT PARTNER WITH JUST ANYONE.
NOT ANYMORE.

I ALREADY LEARNED FROM GIVING OPPORTUNITIES
TO PEOPLE WHO SHOWED ME
THAT I'D PROBABLY BE BETTER OFF
TAKING IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Why did I wait as long as I did? 
Because I guess I didn't give up so easily.
Not as easily as anyone who did me like that lol.

There are people who will play with your feelings
JUST TO TRY TO GET YOUR MONEY.

I know this, because I had this happen.
MORE THAN ONCE.
SO NOW I KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR.

AND WHEN I SEE IT, I KNOW WHAT IT IS
THAT I'M LOOKING AT.
AND THERE'S NO "NOT" SEEING IT.

UNLESS I CHOOSE "NOT" TO SEE IT.
so why would I choose that?
Why give myself any excuse to choose that.

WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS YOUR TRUST,
THEY CHOSE TO DO THAT.
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO, RIGHT?
THEY COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO.
BUT THEY DIDN'T.

THAT WAS A CHOICE.
AMONG THE MANY CHOICES THEY MADE.

That's their free will.
BUT YOU HAVE FREE WILL, TOO.

WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH IT?
HELP YOURSELF OR SCREW YOURSELF OVER?

The thing is I'm really good at screwing myself over.
Because I've done it over and over and over.

I've even been my worst enemy, at times.
BECAUSE I WAS DOING EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING
OTHER THAN HELPING MYSELF.

Helping myself in ways I could have helped myself.
But I was too busy screwing myself over.

But when you're good at what you do...
YOU HAVE TO WORK IN SILENCE.

BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO DISTRACT YOU AND TRY TO SCREW YOU AROUND.

I've had that happen. When I tell anyone what I want to do
and they try to distract me with all kinds of things.

But these are the kind of people who distract themselves
instead of focusing on things they could have been focusing on.

And it seems that they don't want YOU to make the most
of YOUR time.

Because that might mean that you could
actually get somewhere.
Somewhere they don't want you to get to.

Because it reminds them that they've wasted their time
and didn't get anywhere.
By screwing themselves over.

They don't have to screw themselves over, 
but not choosing not to screw themselves over
is choosing to screw themselves over.

Choosing not to choose is also a choice.

I kept choosing not to choose.
Choosing not to choose myself.
My own growth, my own plans, 
my own worth, even.

And I should have chosen myself a very long time ago.
But did I? Why not?

Because I wanted others to see my worth?
And treat me like I was worth it?
Worth more than the bare minimum, not less.
And not MUCH less.

Nobody needs to "settle" for BS.
For immaturity, ignorance, arrogance, etc.

But, also, you don't need to settle for your own BS.
Because you don't need to be justifying it.
Or making excuses for it.

Because if that's all you're going to do, 
you won't do anything about your BS.

I know this. Because that's what I did.
And because I was too busy doing that, 
I wasn't doing anything about it.

I tried justifying all kinds of BS.
Maybe that had to do with immaturity, 
but I'm sure that's not all it had to do with.

Primarily immaturity.

And I've seen a lot of immaturity and I'm not doing it.
I'm not dealing with that sh*t.
Because I don't have to.
No matter who wants me to or expects me to.
Neither do you.
No matter who wants you to or expects you to.
Why would anyone want to?

People you give too many chances to...
They just keep expecting more chances.
It's up to you how many chances anyone gets
or if they even get a chance.

Sometimes you give someone a chance
and they think there's some sort of catch.

Because sometimes people have agendas.
If there's an agenda, there's a catch.

I guess it depends on what the agenda is.

That comes with the territory of being a Capricorn.
Being "aloof" can seem like all kinds of things.
As though you're hiding something, 
but there isn't anything to really hide.

Other than my plans, my goals, my stuff.
The things I have going on for myself...

BECAUSE THAT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

But I don't have any secret 'agendas.'
I've been direct, and upfront about a lot of things.
To the point that anyone that knows things about me
probably knows too much about me.

(If they've been reading my blog they know way too much about me) lol.
But that's pretty much the only way they would.

Because nobody really got close enough to me
to know me like that.

AND FOR THE MOST PART, 
I'VE KEPT IT THAT WAY
FOR MORE THAN ONE REASON.

But when people make assumptions
THEY THINK THEY KNOW ME,
BUT THEY NEVER DID
OR THEY WOULDN'T ASSUME ANYTHING
ABOUT ME.

LET ALONE ASSUMING WHAT ANYONE
SAID ABOUT ME WAS TRUE.

People who want anyone to turn their back on me
WOULD PROBABLY SAY ANYTHING.
ANYTHING THEY THOUGHT WOULD WORK.

And if they assume it is true, 
AND JUDGE ME BASED ON THAT...
THEY NEVER KNEW ME AT ALL.

But that's what my life's been like.
With some people trying to get other people
to turn their backs on me.

Even my own son.
His father did that and anyone who gave him custody.

Don't think that sh*t can't happen to you, too.
It happened to me more times than I can count.

It happened before I knew it was happening.
Probably because I wasn't counting on it happening.
Didn't think it would, but it did.
Wish it didn't, but it did.

And when that sh*t happens, you still have a choice.
You can let it k*ll you inside, or...
You can build and keep building.
Climb and keep climbing.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK BACK.
ESPECIALLY IF THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY
TO DO THAT SH*T TO YOU.

BECAUSE IF THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY, 
THE JOKE'S ON THEM.

Because what's funny is they didn't have to.
And they are missing out. Let them.
Give yourself better things to do.
Like helping yourself out.
By not screwing yourself over.

But moving in silence is the best.
Because nobody can touch you if they don't know
WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
WITHOUT THEM LOL.

As long as you know what you are doing.

But even the best-laid plans can fall through
or fall short...

Because... That's Murphy's Law. Right?
But just do your best, anyway.

That's what I have to keep reminding myself to do.

It's so disappointing that people who you thought
were there for you, weren't.

BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE BEEN
HAD THEY CHOSEN TO BE.

Maybe they thought they'd get something out of it.
Whatever they thought they'd get...
Was something they wanted.

Wanted bad enough to be about
whatever they were being about.

What did I want out of it?
Wasn't clout chasing.
If I wanted clout, I wouldn't be blogging anonymously.
I wouldn't do anything behind the scenes.
It'd all be for STATUS
WHICH NEVER MATTERED TO ME.

NEITHER DOES POPULARITY.
OR I WOULD BE DOING EVERYTHING
OR ANYTHING
JUST TO FIT IN WITH EVERYONE.

I DON'T WANT TO.

But they want to try to justify things
THAT THEY ARE DOING
SO THEY HAVE SOME 'REASON'
TO KEEP DOING IT.

I did that. I tried justifying things
just to do those things.

Justified getting drunk...
Justified trying to date.
Justified my BS...

Why? Maybe because I didn't want to feel the guilt.
Of not choosing something other than what I chose to do.
Versus what I could have chosen to do.

But anyone trying to justify being sh*tty to me
is trying to excuse themselves for doing it.
Just to do it.

Because why not? Right?
Why not be sh*tty to me?

Just that when someone wants someone else
to either go along with it or participate in it...

That's a choice, as well as going along with it, 
or participating in it.

It's easy to overlook someone, or something about someone.
It's easy to be wrong about someone.

But also, trying to convince others
to be wrong about me...
Just so they'd turn their back on me...

Been through that more than once.
BUT SHOULD I BE WASTING MY TIME
TRYING TO SHOW ANYONE
WHO I ACTUALLY AM?

AND WHY THEY WERE TRYING TO
CONVINCE THEM OTHERWISE?

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT
SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME?

BECAUSE IF THEY HADN'T TRIED
TO MAKE ME SEEM LIKE SOMETHING I'M NOT
THEY MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT ME?

IT'S BECAUSE THEY CAN'T STAND WHO I AM
SO THEY HAVE TO TRY TO CONVINCE OTHERS
OTHERWISE.

BECAUSE HOW DARE ANYONE SEE ANYTHING
GOOD IN ME OR ABOUT ME?

HOW DARE ANYONE CARE ABOUT ME.

But I can't blame people for being blind to that.
I really didn't think people would do that.

Maybe it's like being 'nose blind'
where they can't smell anything
that they are too used to the scent of.
Even though other people can smell it.

It's kind of like that, but with seeing something.
It's harder to see something when you're in it.

Kind of like how I didn't realize how drinking was affecting me,
or affecting my life, until I stopped.

Maybe easier to see some things in hindsight.

It seems some people want to say SO BADLY
THAT I AM ANYTHING I'M NOT.
BECAUSE THEY WANT EVERYONE TO THINK THAT
ABOUT ME.

WHICH IS PRETTY F*CKED UP.
IMAGINE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THAT SH*T?

Well, I didn't have to, I guess.
But what would I have learned if I hadn't?

I learned that some people really are like that.
I find it sad. Because we only have one life.
SO WHY TRY TO RUIN THINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING TO YOU?

TO GET WHAT? 
So I don't get something that I could have had
HAD THEY NOT DONE THAT?

BUT SEE ME DOING THAT?
WHAT WOULD THE POINT OF ME DOING THAT BE?
WHAT IS THE POINT OF DOING THAT TO ME?

Because the people they try to convince not to have anything to do with me
could have had something to do with me.
Could have been in my life, to some capacity.

Couldn't have that. Why not?
Has nothing to do with them!!!!

Even happens when I move in silence, 
but the more it happens, the more I choose to keep it pushing.

I didn't know the extent of it
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GO TO THIS EXTENT.

THERE WOULD NOT BE A POINT
FOR ME TO GO TO ANY EXTENT.
TO PROVE ANYTHING TO ANYONE
WHO'S EASILY CONVINCED
BY WHOEVER WANTED TO CONVINCE THEM.

They knew they had to really make it convincing
to convince whoever they were trying to convince.

But to block something that could have been something
ACTUALLY MEANINGFUL
HAD THEY WANTED IT TO MEAN SOMETHING.
LIKE IT DID, TO ME.

But to block it so nobody could see any meaning, there.

Because if they did... If they could see something.
That could have been there... Had they wanted to, even.

But, yes, I saw things I wanted to see, at first.
Maybe because I was trying to convince myself of something.

Ever heard this saying?
"When you wear rose-colored glasses, 
red flags just look like flags."

But isn't someone trying to make someone
or something seem like they or it's not...
Isn't that a red flag?
SOMEONE TRYING TO CONVINCE.

That's manipulation.
Trying to get someone
to turn their back on someone else.
Especially for their personal agenda.

Isn't that enough to say: "Woah!"

Dang, I'm tired. I guess it's time to sleep.

But this is why I'm being guarded.
And more secretive as I seclude myself.

You can't exclude anyone who wants to seclude themselves lol.
What was I even missing out on?