On Select Items

It's a Tiger Malt kinda day, today.
I was right, I was "out" until dinner time
which means I'll likely be up all night, again.

Not like I have a lot going on tomorrow, either.
I was given $10.  So I bought a bit of pot, 
but I had to get a bit of food, too.

The tax break we're supposed to get is only
on select items...

One of those items is diapers.
WHICH IS GREAT
But what also would be great is fem hygiene products.

Anyway, I did get a tiger malt tonight.
It's weird because it seems that when I admit I like something,
they seem to stop making it or selling it here.

For example: Subway... I like you guys, but...
I liked the Italian BMT. It was my go-to.

I guess in Canada, they added a new menu
and the Italian BMT isn't on it.

I think it was a ploy to get me to switch lol.

In the 7th grade, I liked a particular fragrance
called "In The Rain."

The other one is Morning Glory (which they still make).

Then there was a hair product that they stopped selling here.
It's still being sold online, though.

When I went to pick up the tiger malt, 
They had half as much as they usually do.

Should I keep it to myself when I like something?

There was one called Power Malt. 
I thought it was an energy drink + malt.
It didn't list any caffeine on the list of ingredients.

I started feeling sick after drinking caffeine.
Switching to decaf helped that. 

Used to take caffeine pills in my 20s.
Did you know that it takes 1g of caffeine to overdose on it?

Can overdose on probably anything. Even water.
One dude died after drinking too much carrot juice.
He was drinking lots of it every day.

But, yeah, it takes 1g.

And someone died after eating 23 nuggets.
Another guy, couldn't stop jerking it.
He died after 17 in a row...
Maybe it was more, though.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart could handle
"intense passion" not like there will be any of that.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE THAT.

And usually it's someone who was like 20 - 30 years old
WHEN I WAS BORN.

Could have to do with why I don't want to be looked at
like that...

And has something to do with why I dress like a dude.
Besides my "dude clothes" being comfortable, for me.

Sometimes that doesn't even matter, though.
I went to go pick something up and I was waiting for the bus...

And a guy (who doesn't speak English) was trying to talk to me
blowing me kisses.

He went to shake my hand, but tried to pull me in for a kiss.
A random stranger.

It's not like I could go up to a random guy and try to pull that, y'know?
He'd be like "wtf you think you're doing?"
Maybe I'll wait for the ones who were born when I was like 30.
THAT WAS A JOKE.
BASED ON WHAT I PREVIOUSLY WROTE.

But I feel like it might be worse
if I dressed like a chick and wore makeup and stuff...

Because I don't want to be looked at like that
(By creepy pervy old men)
I just don't bother besides not being bothered.

I made a bit of progress the other night.
Wasn't so bad. And reading is like "the next episode"
chapter by chapter. 

I've always "pictured it" when I read something.
Well, when I read stories...

I think that's what makes reading interesting to me.
And when I get writing, my stories, it's kind of the same way.
So I just try to describe what I'm "picturing."

I find it really weird that some people don't dream.
I think that they do, but don't remember.
But could be wrong.
Sleeping without dreaming? Strange, to me.

My neighbors have a kid who screams all the time.
I've never seen this kid. I'm thinking under the age of 5.

They seem to just ignore the kid when they scream.

I knew a couple who's kid did scream all the time.
But they were told to ignore her.

MAYBE THE KID IS SCREAMING BECAUSE
THEY ARE NOT TEACHING THEIR KID
ANY COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

I keep thinking of something I saw lately.
It was a video about how JT knocked over a case of beer
and just walked away from it.

And they were destroying him for that
saying things like he probably doesn't know
how to clean anything up.

YOU THINK GIVING A 2 MONTH TAX BREAK
IS GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING
OR CLEAN ANYTHING UP?

But another guy was making a video about polls
and that it seems as though the libs might win more seats
because of the tax break
which is only going to help people
who buy those select items...

It's not going to help anyone who doesn't.

And the tax break on first-time houses under 1M.
THAT ONLY HELPS IF THERE IS EVEN
ANYTHING UNDER 1M ANYMORE LOL.

It bugs me that these people aren't thinking about these things.
LIKE F*CKING RENT CAPS.

THE GOVERNMENT COULD PASS A BILL
MAKING IT ILLEGAL TO CHARGE OVER A LIMIT
SET FOR RENTS...
FOR LIKE THE NEXT 5-10 YEARS...

And maybe they could raise WAGES.

What also bugs me is that QUEBEC has a crap load 
of natural resources that they could be monetizing
YET STILL WANT EQUALIZATION PAYMENTS
FROM THE WEST.

First of all, QUEBEC has their own political party in Canada.
And most of the government contracts go to Quebec.

For example, they were building something
and the skilled labor was in the west.
But the contract was given to a company in Quebec
so the skilled workers had to move to Montreal for the contract.

What kind of BS is that?

And this O-train... Quebec company for the trains.
And probably a bunch of workers from Quebec.

I'm not hating on Quebec, okay?
I'm just talking about how they can maybe 
LET OTHER PROVINCES HAVE THE CONTRACTS.
GIVE ONTARIO WORKERS THE SAME ADVANTAGES
THAT QUEBEC WORKERS HAVE HERE.

And just double-standard stuff.
Not only does Quebec want to separate, 
Alberta does, too.

And if either of them do, 
NO MORE EQUALIZATION PAYMENTS
FOR QUEBEC.

We have a Red Lobsters here, the restaurant...
The wait times are crazy
because they come here from Quebec to go there
BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE IT IN QUEBEC.

And I will tell you why they don't:
It's because when they were going to have it there, 
THEY WANTED EVERYTHING SWITCHED TO FRENCH
AND FRENCH ONLY

(BECAUSE WE HAVE TO HAVE FRENCH
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ENGLISH).

And Red Losters said no. Rightfully so.

The word for ASK in French is DEMAND.
It's true.

If the Bloc Quebecois and the NDP wanted to call an election
they could probably join with the Conservs to push for it.

I saw a video of a Canadian comedian.
He had some cards and he did a "Prime minister shuffle"
And he said it's called that
Because it looks good, but doesn't do anything.

I think it was a shuffle that denotes the shuffling of the cabinet.

One dude on YT, was sharing clips from another guy.
The other guy was called "stoner guy."

Stoner guy made a joke about being in the gallery
at the HOC.

He said he took 3 showers and still smelled like caucus LOLOLOL.

But it's like JT pretending to be helping Canadians...
WHY DO THEY NEED THE HELP, JT?

And giving them back rebates of $250 IS A SLAP IN THE FACE.
THAT ONLY HELPS A PARTICULAR TAX BRACKET.

Help Canadians afford to eat, have a home, etc.
Don't just help the refugees who come here.
Sure, help them, but help our own, too.

HELP THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN HERE
THEIR WHOLE LIVES.

And it bothers me that they can "clean up" tent cities
FOR A F*CKING CONCERT
BUT CAN'T CLEAN THEM UP 
FOR THE PEOPLE WHO "LIVE" THERE.

PUT THEM BACK ON THE STREETS
WHEN THE CONCERT IS OVER FFS...

AND WINTER'S COMING.

Slap in the face.

Because people WHO CAN AFFORD
THE CONCERT TICKETS
SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE "THAT."
RIGHT?

What kind of programs are there to actually help people
GET OFF DRUGS?

There are a couple I have in mind, 
but I already told you what I suggest stuff.
EVEN IF IT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA.

Like the pawn shop here, opening up another locale.
When I saw the for lease sign, I thought that'd be pwoifect.

Right around the corner from a trailer park...
None in that area that I know of.

Wouldn't be a sh*tty idea.
Two locales, twice the business.

But, of course, up to them.

Somewhere people can sell stuff, if they want
for H***** to sell it off.

And someone was saying that it wouldn't be a sh*tty idea
TO BUILD A HOSPITAL IN KANTA.

SINCE THEY COME TO THE ONE CLOSE TO HERE.
And Kanata keeps growing...

And the last time I was there, 
a nurse was saying that there was only one doc on
the whole night so that's why long wait times.

AND SOME PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO WAIT.
THEY GET MAD THAT THEY EVEN HAVE TO WAIT.

That's when you know you have a issue with
INSTANT GRATIFICATION.

TO THE POINT YOU THINK YOU ARE OWED
EVERYTHING YOU WANT
INSTANTLY.

YOU'RE NOT.
Nobody is.

Hence, you have to wait.

One thing that taught me patience is KNITTING.

Because when you have to go ONE stitch at a time,
you can spend a few hours and make PROGRESS.

Unless it's something that you can make in under a few hours.

But my point is STITCH BY STITCH.
MOMENT BY MOMENT.

Waiting... For it to be finished.
But depends on the effort you put in.

Some things take me a long time to make
because I set it aside when I don't feel like working on it.

Like those 70s squares...
I don't feel like working on that, tonight.

Another point I want to make about waiting is:
IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU DO WITH THE TIME
YOU ARE WAITING.

BECAUSE THE TIME WILL PASS
WHETHER YOU USE IT OR NOT.

Time is one of those things that can be easily wasted
IF NOT MANAGED.

Capricorn's planet is Saturn, the stern "father time" planet.
Time has more value than it's usually given.

Being more selfish with my time so I can use it
TOWARDS MY GOALS FOR THE FUTURE.

It's not that I find being around other people
a waste of my time, 
but it feels pointless with people
who don't see or get the point in of many things.

I can't see or get it for anyone, I know this.

But when it feels pointless, it likely is.
Well, seems that way.

A lot of the time, things can feel a type of way
because they seem that way.

And that can go for any feelings...

Also, forget where I heard it or read it...
Feelings can be looked at as suggestions.

Based on how things seem, here's a suggested feeling.

Mooji had a thing about "talking to your feelings"
as though you invite your "feelings" in for a cup of tea
and ask them "why are you here?"
then let them "answer."
And when they tell you, you get to "reply"
to their "answer"
and then say something like:
"Thanks for the visit, but I have some stuff to do."

Mooji's still rad. I like the guy.
I think he does a live thing for Christmas or New Years.
Well, he does have "shows" where he has an "audience"
and they ask him questions from the audience...

He's a Jamaican Buddhist. Cool guy.

Some of the things he's said, and analogies he used
really resonated with me.

One was something like:
A beggar was sitting on an old suitcase
asking for spare change, 
a guy walked up to the guy and asked him:
"What's in the suitcase?"
The beggar says: "I don't know, I never opened it."

Something about the gifts we're given and never open.
So we don't know what's inside if we don't.

Something like that.

There's one about a miner looking for rare gems.
And suddenly a donkey shows up
and the donkey has gems, but the miner shoos him away
because it was a donkey, and not valuable to him.

That's kind of how it feels
when I have certain things to offer, 
and they do stupid sh*t to me
to play in my face
BECAUSE I'M JUST... WHATEVER.
NOT VALUABLE TO THEM.

And if they refuse to listen and say sh*t like:
"Why should I listen to you? Where's your success story?"

Or "Blah blah, I'm not listening to anything you say."

Well, then, not wasting my time or effort.
Why should I for that?

It's that sometimes things can be right in front of your face
AND YOU CAN'T SEE THEM.

That's what it feels like or seems like, to me.
I could tell them ALL OF IT...
BUT WHY SHOULD I BOTHER?

I never had to bother in the first place...

That's why I'm choosing to be more "selective"

That's why I decided that I don't "have to be" bothered.
At all, let alone in the first place.

By anyone who "misjudged" me.
Anything anyone said about me behind my back.
THAT THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY
TO MY FACE...

Or why they projected their sh*t onto me.
Or why they were so insecure about me
to try to stalk, spy on, or threaten me.
About anything...

And maybe, one day, they'll see
WHY I DON'T DO THAT SH*T.

Also, I pride myself at being "hard to read."
Because right when they think they can, 
they realize they can't. 

But funny when they think they can. 
They could only do it if I was just like
everyone else lol. 

And certain reasons why I choose not to be.

Because I'm not going around DOING ALL THAT SH*T
THAT THEY WANTED TO OR TRIED TO DO TO ME.

I don't go around having it "out" for people
to try to "prove" anything about myself
to anyone.

Would there be a point in doing that? Or no?
Is there a point in anything they wanted to do towards me?
Or tried to do to me?

Tried to "break" me by breaking my mirror?
No. Just no.

When I'm not "broken" like anyone wanted me to be...
THEY DON'T SEEM TO GET WHY I'M NOT.

AND WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT
IN EXPLAINING IT TO THEM?

What would be the point in trying to "get them to" 
GET IT.

Because it's either they get it or they don't. 
And acting the way they decide to do....

TELLS ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW.
THAT THEY DON'T GET IT.

BECAUSE IF THEY DID, 
THEY WOULDN'T ACT LIKE THAT.
OR BE LIKE THAT.

But it's as though they just don't, to others
other than me.

Until they realize, well, damn.
SHE GAVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY.
I WASTED IT.
THAT'S ON ME,
NOT HER.

Well, can't realize anything for anyone, either.

But what I realized about realizing things...
Is that there are certain things you have to realize
BEFORE YOU CAN REALIZE OTHER THINGS.

Because it's kind of like it's in layers.
Maybe even a domino effect...
Of layers or levels of "understanding."

Because when you realize something, 
you can understand it, get it, know it, etc.

Know one thing to know another.
That 7 thoughts like the first thought.
So every thought multiplies by 7.
And you can use that in either direction.
But it's actually your choice.

Also, sometimes the way you see yourself can change.
BUT THAT ONLY CHANGES
BASED ON HOW YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF.

It's just that there's a line between confidence and conceit.
Maybe I might come off as a little too proud
when I think up something funny,
or confident about some skills, 
but to ever think I was "all that" would be conceited.
I'm more than aware of all my flaws
and that there's much to do about myself,
for I am not pwoifect.

But maybe I wish I had felt better about myself
a long time ago, and not put myself in certain situations
even though some situations weren't to do with me.
Directly, I guess.

Maybe I had to learn those things at those times.
When I was being very immature, 
I couldn't see it and maybe because I didn't want to
and maybe even refused to...

AND HOW DARE ANYONE POINT IT OUT.

That's where I was at. So I know that.
Until I understood that refusing to see it
WAS BECAUSE I'D FEEL SH*TTY ABOUT MYSELF
IF I DID. AND WHO WANTED THAT?

But NOT LOOKING AT MYSELF FOR ALL THAT TIME
I WASN'T MATURING, WAS I?

I was only keeping MYSELF IMMATURE.

Because I used to make excuses, give excuses.
Tried justifying my sh*ttiness.

WHY? Because I didn't want to feel sh*tty
ABOUT BEING SH*TTY.

But.... WE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY FEEL SH*TTY
ABOUT BEING SH*TTY

ESPECIALLY CHOOSING TO BE SH*TTY.

But try having a conversation about this...
WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO SEE
AND REFUSES TO SEE
HOW SH*TTY
THEY ARE CHOOSING TO BE...

IN GENERAL, BUT TO ME...

And someone who isn't ready to realize
THAT IF I WAS DOING THAT TO THEM, 
IT'D BE VERY DIFFERENT.

Like people coming to Canada
and thinking that they get to make the rules.
THEY DON'T.
AND IF YOU BREAK THEM, 
BYE.

Our rules are for a reason, and we need new ones, apparently.

But lets just enjoy a tax break 
for 2 months
on stuff not everyone buys...

And rebates that are slaps in the face.

But HE HAS TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE HE'S DOING SOMETHING

AND WHAT HE'S DOING
IS MAKING CANADA LOOK LIKE A JOKE.

TO OTHER COUNTRIES.
WHO WON'T EVEN ACCEPT CANADIAN PASSPORTS.

I heard a guy say that he had to use another country's passport
to go to a country that wouldn't accept his Canadian passport.

It must be a total culture shock, from warmer climates.
Haven't got any snow, here, yet.

Someone who lives in Michigan was saying they got snow.

Supposedly it's supposed to be a mild winter this year.
Winter is one of the most miserable times to be homeless.

Years back, there were heating grates outside the DND.
It was under the bridge right behind the DND.

It's "cemented in" now. Can't go there, anymore.
I have some pictures, though.

Anyway, the heating grate would shoot out warm air.
And we'd just lay our sleeping bags over it and slept on it.
Kept us warm all night. Even in dead of winter.

And the security guard for the DND would come by and check on us, 
and I think there was a camera.

So they knew we were there and didn't get the cops to move us out. 
Once, someone brought a couch down there, lol.
And a tall ashtray thing. 

"Fancy living" they called it.

Those were some good times, I guess.
We got drunk together and had some laughs. 
They told me about themselves.
Where they came from (most of them from out west).

That's how I met RIP and MA.
I miss them.

RIP's real name was Rupert.
He was in his 50s when I was around 14 or so.
Ma, I knew her real name, but just... She as Ma.
RIP used to call MA Squa.

He'd be like "Squa!"
And she's be: "What?!"

"What do you want now, you old man!"

Rip was the one I was chugging against.
Of course, he won.
I couldn't even stand up...

Ma was the one who gave me my nickname.
They all had "street names."

Traditionally given to you by someone else.
My first one didn't stick., thankfully.

 
Anyway, my point was that being homeless in the winter sucks.

Funny how they can help them out when there's a concert, though.
Yet as soon as it's over... A big "f*ck you" again.

I came across a meme that was "sticks in the middle"
supposedly a way to pick teams.

And it said on it: Only Canadians Would Know...

And some American guy got on there saying America knows hockey
better than Canadians

because he says:

United Staes: 55 Stanley Cups
Canada: 49 Stanley Cups since 1918.

People were losing it saying that those American teams
HAVE CANADIAN PLAYERS
WHO GOT TRADED INTO AMERICAN TEAMS.

Another guy was saying how the only American team
that had the most American players is New York Rangers at 50%.

Something to think about, eh?

American teams winning with Canadian players.
Think about that.
Doesn't seem as smart as he thought he was.


It always gets so cold in here at night.
Mostly my hands.
I forgot to get milk for my tea.
I tend to only use it for tea
or oatmeal, occassionally I'll eat cereal, 
but I just don't go out of my way to buy cereal
unless there's a new one I want to try...

I ate that Wednesday Adams cereal...
Then I was wondering why my poop was black lol

I don't drink a lot of milk since "the incident."
Back when I was in college, 
there were vending machines that sold milkshakes.

I got one, was enjoying it, until...
I got to the bottom...
Let's just say it was past its expiry date.
BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY WAS.
I LOOKED AT THE DATE.

Usually only for tea, coffee, oatmeal, cereal. 

I wasn't drinking tea every day, so the milk I had...
I didn't make it to the end, but fogot to get fresh milk.
Milk's just not something I use every day, I guess.

When I was a kid, my mother took us to the food bank
near our old doctor's office, 
and they gave us powdered milk.

The "just add water" stuff.
But sure didn't taste like milk at all.

I got cheese, and bread, and pizza sauce.
And some pasta.

Not gourmet, but survival mode "meals."
You'd be surprised how you can actually live off less than $20/day.
I spent just under $20 and I can probably squeak by for 4 days lol.

When you've had to, for so long, you find ways.

People who haven't had to, they wouldn't know.
How could they know?
They never had to go "without"
their trips and lifestyles.

But always remember where you came from, 
even if you manage to get somewhere.

Just saying that people would be surprised at stuff like that.
Look at those meal preppers for an example.

They get the ingredients and divide those in portions.
So each meal has the same ingridients and same portions.

They save money by doing it that way.
And save cooking time.
And reduce prep time, already having it prepped.

Well it's kinda like that, but... I guess I don't eat enough anyway.

Someone asked me how I was losing so much weight lol. 
(I'm not trying to and not exercising as much, either)
I was losing too much weight from the combo
of not eating enough and exercising more than I do now.

But now, it's probably not eating enough.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to eat.
Not have to bother with food at all.
But some food I do enjoy.

But doesn't exactly matter, y'know.
It's just food.

As long as I have something to put in my stomach,
I'm alright.

But it'd still be nice if I could do some business around here.
Ongoing business.

I really don't want a 9 - 5. Night shifts weren't so bad.
Like when I worked at the college.

Finishing work when people were going to work lol.
That's one thing I liked about it.

I'd better get some stuff done, tonight.
Just something.