More Squares

I was going through that bag the squares came in,
and the other one, I found more crazily hideous 70s squares...
That means I almost have enough squares to make another block.
Not sure how to join the blocks together...
I have an idea, but not sure it will work.

A crap load of beige wool... 
So I am working on a border around the blocks.
I thought about making a couple of beige blocks...
Which could work... I'll have to see...

I forgot I put an old baby pic of mine on here lol. 
It was me dressed as a clown on my first Halloween...

I guess in my little baby brain I thought:
Clowns wear makeup!
And got into the cabinet where my grandmother
kept her makeup and grabbed a tube of lipstick lol.

Obviously I didn't know how to apply it
and I guess I tried to exaggerate it
because that's what clowns do...

My brother, when he was really little,
(I can't remember how old he was at the time).

He saw a woman wearing heavy makeup
and said pretty loudly:
"Look! A clown!"
My mother was pretty embarrassed, 
but my brother was just a little kid...
Kids say the "damnest" things...

I was kinda funny, looking back.
I haven't thought about that for years...
Haven't even seen or heard from him in a while.
I ask my mother about him, 
but she rarely hears from him, either.

One time, he was helping me gather cans and bottles
to recycle for money... I still do that sometimes.

Anyway, we picked up some cans from near the beach...
One of the cans was full of ants and we didn't know.
When we were organizing and counting, 
they started pouring out of the can...
Into my living room
and my brother pointed them out
and we did some "damage control" lol.

I'm having a hard time sleeping tonight.
Probably because I find it hard to sleep
on an empty stomach and almost out of pasta...

I might go to the mall in the east end near where I used to work...
There's a decent dollar store there and they have
french vanilla instant coffee stuff...

When someone was staying here, with me, 
I hid it so that only I could have it.
I didn't want to share it.

I just wanted ONE thing, just for me.

Also, there's an art store, there...
I like to "window shop" there.
Usually the guy who works there
will ask me if I need help with anything
and I tell him I'm just browsing...

It's a decent-sized store with canvases and everything.
Sometimes I think about painting...
But I haven't, in a very long time.
I have an easel, but I think it might be broken somehow.

Maybe it might be relaxing.
Sometimes I look at "scenes" and think to myself:
How could I paint this so that it captures it just right?

Like headlights shining off wet cement, 
the rain falling and caught in the streetlights...

Stuff like that...

Might be nice to just go on a "day trip."
Y'know, before winter comes...

When it gets freaking cold, I don't want to go anywhere.
My place is cold and my fingers are very cold.

I try to keep my feet warm...
I'm happy I made these socks!
Sometimes I feel like wearing 3 pairs.

I dislike when my hands and feet are cold.
Somewhere I was watching a thing about feet.
The guy was pointing out
that the feet are the furthest from the heart.

Something about it taking longer for the blood
to flow to your feet.

Makes me think about that french song
we were taught in Kindergarten...

It was about warming your hands, feet, and nose.
One part of the song was about stomping your feet
to warm them up...

I have insolated winter boots and I wear those
as soon as the temp drops in fall. 
I also have "outdoor pants" 
to wear over my "indoor pants."

I wish I could have a huge piece of lasagna before bed lol. 
If wishes were fishes...
I can't remember how the rest of that goes. Can you?

Been making "headway" with that library book, though.
I'd like to see how it ends.

Sometimes I "cheat" and read the last page
before I get to it... I won't with this one...

Does anyone else do that? Or am I just weird?
I guess curiosity gets to me and I sneak to the last page...

Also, sometimes, with certain books, 
I flip to a random page and the first sentence
of that page, I think about it
and it's like I was "supposed" to get that "message."
Hard to explain that...

I have a bit of a collection of books.
Enough not to bring home random books from the library.
I kinda have my own...

And sometimes the library has book sales.

I went to a "book place" that is also a cafe.
I got a dessert and looked around
and talked to a guy who works there.

Just asked him random questions.
Asked him if he buys books.
He says that sometimes he does...
But it's not like they are "hurting" for books.
And he said that they are pretty "selective."

I want to sell those jackets at the consignment shop.
Near where my folks live.

I brought them in there, 
and they asked me if I have an appointment...

Then they told me that they have a "process"
through email...

JUST SAY YAY OR NAY.

I was thinking about going to the pawn shop
and suggesting that they open a second location
because there's a place for lease in the same plaza,
and we all can do "business" together...

But whenever I suggest anything, 
OR EVEN WANT TO BRING SOMETHING UP...
PEOPLE JUST DISMISS ME.

LIKE I NEED AN APPOINTMENT
FOR THEM TO JUST LISTEN TO ME.
OR EVEN LOOK ME OVER...
INSTEAD OF OVERLOOKING ME.

Anyway, it would have been cool
if I could have just walked in there
and shown them the jackets
and they could have just decided right there and then.

The vintage store I got my blue hoodie from...
They sell stuff on consignment, too.
Not sure where to find vintage stuff, 
but maybe the thrift store, lol. 

That's where I got my original adidas...
And nikes...

I love vintage stuff...

I'm not exactly a luddite, 
but I don't care to be "up to date"
about "fashion" or some other stuff.

If I'm happy with that, what's the problem?

People who are too "into" material stuff...
It seems that they wonder why I don't care about that stuff...
Because they seem to think that I "should" care about it.
I just don't. 

I used to do some online shopping stuff.
I had to not go on ebay... Because it's 'deadly'

I know someone who makes 'artist trading cards'
and he sells them on ebay...
He made a video about it...

I think my youngest brother would be good at that.
He's into art stuff.

He was into "tagging."
He "tagged" in the elevator of my building.
Which is disappointing.

Soon after that, they installed cameras
in the elevators...

He almost "tagged" my mirror...
Doesn't seem to matter now...
Now that it got smashed with my baseball bat...
Right in front of me.
Like a big "f*ck you, A***."
For kicking him out.

I said something about his attitude towards me.
He picked up my bat and said:
"How's this for attitude?"
And smashed it.

Which earned him a can of soda upside the head
from where I was standing...

My ex, after he hit me...
He was too scared to come get his stuff...
Thinking I was waiting at home with my baseball bat.

And f*cktard, mirror smasher, told someone
THAT I CHASED HIM OUT OF HERE
WITH MY BAT, WHICH I DIDN'T DO.

I PICKED IT UP, AND LEANED IT AGAINST THE WALL.
I NEVER SWUNG AT HIM.
I FELT THE CAN OF SODA WAS SUFFICIENT.

For some reason, he felt like there was a reason
that I brought it into the room. 

I was bringing him a drink.
Tried having a conversation with him...

But for whatever reason,
he thought that me trying to talk with him in the same room
was about me wanting to physically attack him or something.

The only time it ever got physical
was the armlock and the can of soda.

And had he just f*cking talked with me, 
and not gave me his sh*tty attitude, 
we could have just drank our sodas and talked...
Maybe watched a movie or something...
Like we had, before...

But I was trying to talk with him
and he was texting a girl who had been reading our messages...
The one who interjected in our convo
we were having over messenger...

She had logged into his account to spy on us.
Literally the whole time.

Threatened us both...
And he acted like it didn't even happen
And then he tried to justify it
by saying she lost her temper...

BUT HAD I DONE THAT TO THEM...
WHILE THEY WERE TALKING, 
I'D BE BLOCKED.
PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

BECAUSE HOW DARE I? 
HOW DARE SHE!

Then, after that, she contacted me to appologize to me.
As though we'd be "cool" if she did.
I didn't respond at all.
I didn't accept her appology.
Because she can go f*ck herself.

Also, she "thanked" me for doing something
FOR HIM
AS THOUGH I WAS DOING SOMETHING FOR HER.
IT WASN'T FOR HER, IT WAS FOR HIM.

And after I kicked him out, she must have
DEMANDED THAT HE GIVE HER MY NUMBER
BECAUSE HE GAVE IT TO HER
FOR HER TO COME AT ME.

I told her not to play with me, either.

And I know that he was sh*t talking me to everyone.
Instead of telling everyone
WHAT BS HE WAS BEING ABOUT.

He can't pull on my energy, anymore.
I don't have to give him ANYTHING
let alone a drug-free place to stay...

I went out of my way... For him, not HER.

6 more years of bad luck for him.
If he has anything to say for himself I might listen
BUT UNTIL THAT 6 YEARS IS UP,
I REFUSE TO BE PULLED INTO HIS MESS.
HE CAN LAY IN THE BED HE MADE
OR COVERED IN SHATTERED GLASS...

He did come by and cleaned it up.
Took the shards to the garbage,
but he was only here
because he was looking for his hoodies...
THAT HE ACCUSED ME OF STEALING...

WHY TF WOULD I WANT ANYTHING OF HIS?
GEE, WHY DID I TELL HIM TO COME GET HIS STUFF?

AND HE REFUSED.

No qualms about anything he ever said about me.
But that sh*t ricocheted...

ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS NOT PLAY WITH ME.
LET ALONE IN MY FACE.

And if he wants to choose misery...
He's welcome to his BS.
He can sit in it. Forever.

If he needs to learn what it means
TO PLAY WITH SOMEONE LIKE ME,
then he'll learn.

If you don't use your energy for "good"
you're using it the wrong way.
And there are "consequences" for that.

It means you can be "stripped" spiritually.
Even energetically.

And I was supposed to come back into his life
TO HELP HIM IN SOME CAPACITY...
TO HELP HIM CHANGE HIS LIFE,
FOR THE BETTER

And by doing that, I guess I was hoping
THAT HE'D FINALLY ACTUALLY SEE ME.

But anyone who ever misjudged me
NEVER KNEW ME.
AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT.

I'm not meant to be "known" by everyone.
And nobody gets to see the hidden sides of me.
I hide the best of me for a reason.

BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE CAN GO F*CK THEMSELVES.
ESPECIALLY ANYONE WHO EVER THOUGHT
IT WAS OKAY TO PLAY IN MY FACE.

LIKE I WAS NOTHING.
AFTER I GAVE OF MYSELF...
GAVE WHAT I HAD...
TIME, EFFORT, ENERGY, ETC.

But cool with me when they were getting something.
Out of being around me...

My "success story" isn't so far away...
And I will be repaid, in full, 
for anything I was put through
and I won't have to do anything to anyone.

Because their BS will catch up with them.
And when it does, they'll see the evidence
of my "success story."

AND THEY WILL REGRET
WHY THEY EVER DID ME WRONG.

THEY'LL WISH THEY TREATED ME WELL.
THEY'LL WISH THEY WEREN'T ABOUT THEIR BS.

And THEN, when it happens...
I WON'T BE OBLIGED TO F*CKING HELP THEM.
BECAUSE I ALREADY DID...
AND HOW DID THEY TREAT ME?

As though they couldn't be bothered.
TO GAF ABOUT ME.

BIGGEST SLAPS IN THE FACE...

And I don't help people
to get anything out of it.

But it would be cool of them.
TO REMEMBER WHY I EVEN BOTHERED
WITH THEM AT ALL...

PERSON TO PERSON.
HUMAN TO HUMAN...

NOT BECAUSE I WANTED ANYTHING
BUT TO BE TREATED AS THOUGH
I F*CKING MEANT SOMETHING TO THEM.

It's as though just wanting THAT alone...
was wanting "too much."
And to be treated as though just wanting THAT
was wanting "too much..."

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT P*SSED ME OFF.
BECAUSE TREATING OTHERS
AS THOUGH THEY MEAN SOMETHING TO THEM
DOESN'T SEEM TO BE "TOO MUCH" TO WANT
WHEN IT COMES TO ANYONE ELSE...
ANYONE OTHER THAN ME.

And they don't have to WANT that.
Because they just get treated well.
EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T DESERVE IT.

Because it seems to matter
HOW THEY WOULD FEEL
IF THEY WERE TREATED
THE WAY I WAS TREATED...

WHY DO THAT TO THEM?
THEY NEVER WOULD!

And that's what p*ssed me off, too.

And it's like being upset about it
NEVER CHANGED ANYTHING.
THEY ONLY TREATED ME EVEN WORSE!

Anyway, I guess I'm just getting it off my chest.
Pretty selfish to want to be treated well, by ME
and turning around and doing me, like that.

Selfish and INCONSIDERATE.

See why I am okay to be on my own?
And rather be than give and give and give
UNTIL I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE.
DOWN TO NO MORE F*CKS TO GIVE...

I guess you don't miss the water
until the well runs dry...

I'm not there to do what they wanted me to do.
And all they had to do
WAS JUST F*CKING TREAT ME RIGHT
AND F*CKING LISTEN.

JUST THAT.
AND MAYBE HAVE AT LEAST A TINY BIT
OF CONSIDERATION, FOR ME.
FOR ONCE.

AND NOT ONLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES...
About what THEY want.
I wanted VERY little IN RETURN.
THAT'S ALL.

So I had to start being "selective"
with who I ALLOW to be in MY life.

Nobody has to have anything from me.
Do I owe them? Or do they owe ME?

Even those who owe me, 
I'm not chasing them for anything.

If it's not coming from them, sincerely...
Out of them wanting to...

Let's just put it this way...
NO MORE FAKE ANYTHING.
NO MORE BS.
NO MORE WASTED TIME.
RUMINATING OR OTHERWISE
ON UNGRATEFUL PEOPLE.

WHO NEVER APPRECIATED ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
BECAUSE IF THEY DID...
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED PLAYING WITH ME,
TRYING ME, TRYING TO TAKE ME DOWN...

And I'm not going down BECAUSE OF ANYONE.
IF I'm going down, it'll be my own doing.
Just like they are going down, due to their own doing.

LIKE SLAMMING A DOOR
IN THEIR OWN FACE.
NOT IN MINE.

And that door can be locked from the inside
AND the outside.
AND nobody needs to have a key.
Except for me...

Mirror smasher could have had the same BALLS
TO LOOK ME IN THE FACE AFTERWARDS
TO PUT MY KEY BACK IN MY HAND.
Instead of taking off with it.
As soon as I told him to GTFO...
FOR A REASON...

HE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN IT BACK.
AND ACCEPTED THAT THERE WAS
NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BS.

Which he said to me when he cleaned up the shards.
Which he knew while he was doing it.
And obviously didn't care.

SO WHY TF SHOULD I?

And if there was an "excuse"
he would have given it to me
INSTEAD OF A SINCERE APPOLOGY.

WHICH PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN
CHANGE ANYTHING.

IT'D JUST BE LIP SERVICE.
TO KEEP GETTING WHAT I WAS GIVING.

Did that chick appologize to me?
About crying to her friend about me
AFTER TELLING ME TO LEAVE?

BECAUSE I WASN'T GOING TO PLACATE HER?
BECAUSE I WASN'T GOING TO KEEP ACTING
AS THOUGH HER BS WAS ACCEPTABLE?

All she said was that she wanted her keys back.
Which is fine. They are HER keys.
Just like mine are mine.

And then she said she still wanted to be friends.
So I kept her as a "friend" on FB.
BUT SHE HASN'T SAID SWEET F*CK ALL TO ME
AFTER SHE ASKED FOR HER KEYS BACK.

SHE INVITED ME TO A GROUP
THAT I'M ALREADY IN.
BECAUSE I SHARED SOMETHING FROM THAT GROUP...
THAT SHE SAW...

I think she still wanted to be friends
BECAUSE I WAS F*CKING GENEROUS.
AND BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO KNOW
WHAT I'M UP TO...
EVEN THOUGH SHE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING TO ME
SINCE I DROPPED OFF HER KEYS.

NOT EVEN "I was thinking of you. How are you?"
But when do I ever get that? From anyone?

That only feels sh*tty if I let it.
All the sh*tty things only feel sh*tty 
if I let it feel sh*tty.

And any time something feels sh*tty...
THOSE FEELINGS CAN GO F*CK THEMSELVES.

Unless it's sincere guilt feelings...
NOT SOMEONE TRYING TO "MAKE" ME FEEL GUILTY
TO TRY TO EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE ME.

Because F*CK that! Do I do that to them?
EVEN WHEN THEY ACTUALLY HAVE
SOMETHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT???

LIKE SMASHING MY MIRROR
WHEN HE NEVER HAD TO?

He only did it because he wanted to.
If he didn't, he wouldn't have.

He can go f*ck himself for being such a TWAT.
I don't gaf if he feels like a twat or not.
I don't care if he's even sorry...
Because it's quite likely he will be.

When I'm doing better than I ever have!!!
WITH NO THANKS TO HIM.
OR ANYONE WHO TREATED ME
LIKE HE DID, 
BUT BY FAR, HE WAS ONE OF THE WORST.

He even asked me once
if he was the worst person ever in my life...

If he had treated me better, he could have been one the best...

BUT for now, it's up to me
TO TREAT MYSELF BETTER
BY NOT BEING AROUND ANYONE
WHO WOULD EVER TREAT ME LIKE THAT, EVER.

Do they deserve the BEST of me? No?
SO THEY CAN'T EXPECT IT FROM ME.
NOT ANYMORE.

And it seems that people get mad
when I'm no longer investing in their selfishness.

When I become selfish with my time, energy, effort etc.
When I'm giving to myself what they wanted from me.
And still want because they "still want to be friends."
WAS SHE BEING A FRIEND
WHEN SHE CRIED TO HER FRIEND ABOUT ME?
DID SHE TELL HER THAT SHE TOLD ME TO LEAVE?
DID SHE TELL HER HOW SHE TREATED ME?
DOES SHE TREAT HER LIKE THAT?

IF SHE DID, SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T LIKE IT!!!
GEE, I WONDER WHY SHE WOULDN'T!!!

If things are going to be FAIR for me, 
I have to make it fair for me.

What's fair is giving to MYSELF, NOT THEM.
AND THEM NOT EXPECTING ME TO.
OR BEING MAD THAT I CHOOSE NOT TO.

But why did I choose not to?
Do they tell anyone they cry to about me?
Because pulling all the way back
is UNFAIR to them?

Anyway, I'm still craving that lasagna...