When I Saw It

When I saw some things about myself,
I had a choice. 
1) Deny it
2) Do something about it.

I had a "drinking" problem, yeah.
What did I do about it? I don't drink anymore.
I had spent my attention on drinking.
NOT OTHER THINGS THAT I WISH I HAD.

IT WASN'T A DRINKING PROBLEM.
IT WAS A DECISION PROBLEM.

THE MORE YOU DECIDE
THE BETTER YOU GET AT DECIDING.

But looking at your choices doesn't hurt.
That's what I wasn't doing.

Because I could have chosen many other things.
Over drinking etc.
Over wasting money.
Over wasting time.

But when I saw the things I was doing...
Like giving myself excuses to drink etc.

I could act like I wasn't doing that...
AND STAY IMMATURE.

OR I COULD DECIDE NOT TO DO THAT.

So what did I decide to do?

Because there are other things I could give myself
REASONS TO DO
THAT I WASN'T DOING BEFORE.
AND IT WASN'T CROSSING
MY MIND TO EVEN THINK ABOUT.

Is it my fault that I hadn't thought about it?
ONLY TIMES I REFUSED TO THINK ABOUT IT.

Here's why I was refusing to think about it.
IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE TO CONFRONT MYSELF.

WHEN PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE CONFRONTED 
AT ALL, PERIOD, WHY WOULD THEY CONFRONT THEMSELVES?

IF THEY WON'T CONFRONT THEMSELVES
WILL THEY EVER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING?

Like the girl who kept making excuses to me
to keep treating me the way she kept treating me...

Her mother was trying to talk to her
AND ALL SHE CARED ABOUT IS
SAYING WHAT SHE WANTED TO SAY
AND NOT LISTENING TO ANYONE ELSE...

AND HER MOTHER FINALLY TOLD HER
THAT IT'S HER.

Because she could have just let her mother speak
without making excuses to stop her,
shut her down to the point she just left.

So I made a point of saying that I could leave, too.
SO SHE TOLD ME TO LEAVE.

AND I WAS STILL GOING TO WATCH HER CATS
LIKE SHE HAD ASKED ME TO DO.
BUT SHE'S THE ONE WHO PLAYS VICTIM
LIKE I WAS JUST RUNNING OUT ON HER.
SHE TOLD ME TO LEAVE!

AND BEING TREATED LIKE THAT,
DIDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO STAY.
BUT SHE WANTED ME TO WANT TO.

TO TRY TO USE ME FOR MY 'KINDNESS.'

She didn't speak to me for over 2 years.
AND BLOCKED ME RIGHT AFTER
EXPLAINING TO HER WHY I FELT THE WAY I FELT.
BECAUSE IT ONLY MATTERS HOW SHE FEELS
WHEN SHE DOESN'T GET
WHAT SHE WANTS.

Not about how I feel about her treating me
however she feels like treating me at the time
BECAUSE SHE'LL MAKE EXCUSES TO DO IT.

AND EVERY TIME I EVER SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT HER DOING IT
AND WHY I DON'T LIKE IT...

SHE'LL JUST TELL ME TO GO.
OR SHE'LL TELL ME SOME EXCUSE.
OR SHE'LL PLAY VICTIM.

But she won't listen.
Because listening would require some admittance.
WHICH SHE ISN'T WILLING TO DO.

That type of stuff isn't easy to do.
BUT WHEN YOU SEE MANIPULATION
YOU CAN'T UNSEE IT.

Like I'm the worse friend in the world
FOR POINTING OUT THE FACT
THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO TREAT HER MOTHER
THE WAY SHE DID.
IF SHE'S DOING THATIN FRONT OF ME,
WHAT DOES SHE DO WHEN I'M NOT THERE?

OR DOES SHE JUST ACT LIKE I'M NOT?
WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME
ANYONE DID THAT TO ME...

It's not easy to confront ourselves.
BECAUSE IT IS MOSTLY SURFACE STUFF
ANYONE LOOKS AT ABOUT THEMSELVES.

DEEPER IS "WHY DO I ACT LIKE THIS?"
"WHAT GOES THROUGH MY MIND WHEN I ACT LIKE THIS?"
"WHY'S THIS GOING THROUGH MY MIND?"
"DO I HAVE TO ACT LIKE THIS?"
"CAN I CHOOSE TO ACT DIFFERENTLY?"

"What am I doing? Why am I doing this?"

When people value time, they won't waste any of it.
Instead of "k*lling time" they'd be using it.

When you're around people who never ask themselves
what they are doing and why they are doing it,
will you do it?

What are the chances that you do it
if nobody around you is doing it?

BUT DO YOU HAVE TO NEVER DO IT
ALL BECAUSE THEY AREN'T?

That'd be like: I'm never going to eat healthy
BECAUSE EVERYONE AROUND ME
EATS JUNK.

OR: I'M NEVER GOING TO DO XYZ
BECAUSE EVERYONE AROUND ME DOES ABC.

NOBODY I KNOW DOES THIS...

LIKE ADDICTS WHO HAVE ADDICT FRIENDS
AND THEY ALL JUST ENABLE EACH OTHER.

Ever see those shows? 
"I just give in and get the food 
OR THEY'LL GET MAD IF I DON'T!"

AND WHEN YOU'RE NOT ENABLING
THEY DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT GETTING
WHAT THEY WANT FROM YOU.

One friend... He wanted the telescope.
HIS GF CALLED ME TO TELL ME
THAT SHE HAD ALREADY BOUGHT ONE FOR HIM
FOR CHRISTMAS AND SHE WAS KEEPING IT
AT THE OFFICE TO KEEP IT A SURPRISE.

So as a good FRIEND I kept it a surprise for him.
AND HE GOT MAD THAT I WOULDN'T
GIVE IT TO HIM
EVEN THOUGH HE HAD ONE WAITING FOR HIM.

And after he got it, she told him why I hadn't given him
the telescope and he apologized to me about it.

BUT WATCH HOW THEY TREAT YOU
WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING.

AND BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING.
INSTEAD OF JUST TREATING YOU PROPERLY
WITHOUT WANTING ANYTHING FROM YOU!

The person that comes to mind is a guy I briefly spoke to.
He was in the tech industry.
I found it interesting.
It would have been cool to talk about tech stuff.
That's all it was to me. I didn't want anything from him.

I HAD AN IDEA TO INTRODUCE HIM TO SOMEONE.
SO I DID THAT.

Then, he contacted me TO TELL ME
HE WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANYTHING ROMANTIC FFS.

HE ASSUMED I TOOK AN INTEREST IN HIM PERSONALLY.
OR THAT I MUST HAVE WANTED SOMETHING FROM HIM.
OR ELSE WHY WOULD I INTRODUCE HIM TO THAT GUY?

IT WAS JUST AN IDEA I HAD.
A POTENTIAL OPPORTUNITY FOR HIM, SURE.

BUT IT NEVER MEANT I WAS LOOKING AT THE GUY
"ROMANTICALLY."

I pretty much told him that, but we stopped talking shortly after that.

It's weird people assuming sh*t about me and being WRONG
BUT THEN TREAT ME LIKE WHO AM I
TO TELL THEM THEY'RE WRONG ABOUT ME?

It's like a guy who has a business assuming I'm interested in HIM
because he has a BUSINESS?

I had an IDEA for his business. Simple as that.

"Well, I thought..."
Maybe, if you weren't too busy assuming...
THINGS ABOUT SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW...
BECAUSE IF YOU KNEW ME,

YOU WOULD KNOW THAT AFTER TOO MUCH
ASSUMING...
MY INTEREST WAS IN THE TECH PART.
NOT THE 'ROMANCE' PART.

AND IF they realized that, maybe things could have
developed, but... Don't judge me by
what you think might be true about me.

BUT SOME GUYS THINK ALL GIRLS WANT IS MONEY.
I'D RATHER BE BROKE AND ALONE
THAN ANY GUY ACCUSE ME
OF JUST WANTING THEM FOR 'MONEY.'

Maybe I'm jaded, I dunno.
But that experience was something like:
"It doesn't seem to matter what my actual intentions were
IF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO TREAT ME
LIKE I HAD COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTENTIONS."

Wouldn't it be nice if they could see my actual intentions?
AND TREATED ME ACCORDINGLY?

Okay, maybe it was premptive.
IN CASE THAT'S WHAT I HAD ON MY MIND.
IT WASN'T, BUT I COULD SEE PREMPTIVELY...

But I can tell when it's premptive and when it was just assumed.
IT HAS DIFFERENT ENERGY.


Just saying, if he knew me, he'd know
THAT IT'S NOT A CRIME TO SHARE AN IDEA.
UNLESS THE IDEA ISCRIME RELATED.

And yeah, could have just been cool to talk about tech stuff.
Pretty simple. Not asking for anything.
But stop me before I do LOL.
So that I don't. LOL.
WASN'T GOING TO LOL.