Genuine Intentions

I've got it in me to keep writing, but I know I must sleep.
Been getting back pain.

I saw a few things when I was browsing online.
One's a back cracker/stretcher thing.

I need a pop right between my shoulder blades.
Ever see chiropractor videos?
One big upper back POP and I'd be good.

When I get intense pain, it's in that spot, 
and the base of my skull.

I wish I got into massage therapy.
Instead of taking what I took.

I could maybe go back to school at some point.

That's often what I think about.
How our lives could have been different.
One left instead of a right.
One right instead of a left.

If we hadn't done or said this or that...
If we'd made different choices...

Where could we be today?

If I'd taken something else in college...
I got a diploma, but still...

Sometimes I wish I had taken time off
before going to college but I got a partial scholarship.
I had to use it.

I decided to give the mitered corners another try.
To make a 40 stitch blanket.

The mitered corners are a pain in the @ss because it's short rows.
Obviously, the shorter the row, the easier it is, 
but it's going back and forth.
Well, every row is back and forth.
Front and back.

The corner is going to be huge, though.
I already did one side, I have to go down the other side.

That's the next part. Which I don't feel like doing right away.
The first part of the corner was a pain.
PITA. Pain in the @ss.

I'm hoping to just use up what I have on hand.
Then I'll be able to move onto my other stuff.

I got some hanks. I don't like hanks.
I'd rather a roll or a ball than a hank.

Hanks are hard to work with and get tangled.

Some people have winders. I don't have one. I am one.
I just use my hands to wind.

But there are ball winders that wind hanks into balls.
They just have to turn a crank or something like that.
Hanks are just really annoying to deal with.

I got a hank of blue silk linen. It's beautiful.
But it's in a hank.

I've got blue mohair, too.

Anyway, if certain people wanted to do "the work,"
THINGS WOULD BE A LOT DIFFERENT.

BETWEEN THEM AND I.
LIKE IT COULD HAVE BEEN.

So nobody can come to me
WHEN THEY TREATED ME
LIKE THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.

IT'S FINE NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT.
BUT DON'T GIVE ANYONE ANY FALSE HOPES.

Like people want to play games.
THEN FEEL A TYPE OF WAY WHEN I DON'T PLAY.

THEN THEY REALIZE THAT I WAS RIGHT THERE.
BUT DO I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?

I don't have to be treated like I'm just on hold. Waiting.
WHILE THEY F*CK AROUND.

THEN PLAY VICTIM?

WHEN THEY CAN'T PULL MY HEART STRINGS ANYMORE.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY EXPECTED ME
TO WAIT, ON HOLD. FOR WHAT?

I mean, you breadcrumb me, cold and ruthless to me.
THEN YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO WANT TO BE THERE.

You can't say I was the one who stabbed them in the back
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A DECISION.

SO I HAD TO MAKE ONE, CORRECT?

Now after dealing with EVERYONE else,
Now I'm the one they should have been with?

It was that they had to decide about me and everyone else.

Whenever I'm doing BETTER THAN I WAS,
I'M SUDDENLY INTERESTING AND COULD 'GET AWAY'?

SO THEN THEY HAVE TO DECIDE.
BUT THEN IT IS TOO LATE.
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE ALREADY DECIDED.
INSTEAD OF TRYING TO KEEP ME ON HOLD.

AND I'M P*SSED AT MYSELF FOR WASTING YEARS
ON PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO PLAY GAMES.

Once I realized this sh*t, because I WASN'T EXPECTING IT.
MAYBE I EXPECTED SOME SORT OF
MATURITY...

BUT IN MY LOVE LIFE... 
THE TIMES I WANTED TO BE WITH SOMEONE...

COULD HAVE DECIDED.
A LONG TIME AGO.

DIDN'T. 

But... Some people will refuse to learn.
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME 
MUCH BETTER THAN THEY DID.
AND THEY KNOW THEY COULD HAVE.

DIDN'T.

And is it my problem when they KNOW
THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME
EVEN FAIRLY.

But when you outgrow this sh*t.
WHEN THEY DID THIS SH*T.

PURPOSELY.

BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T DECIDE?
COULDN'T TREAT ME FAIR?

NOW IT'S NOT FAIR FOR THEM?

They can be depressed over my absence.
WERE THEY APPRECIATING HAVING ME THERE?
OR WAS I JUST THERE?

LIKE HOW I'VE BEEN IGNORED TO MY FACE...
And other very immature, ignorant things.

Look at it this way...
If you start a fight with someone
to have an excuse to go to someone else,
you're doing the wrong thing.
Not even in the wrong way, that's karma
that you created for yourself that you owe.

Then think of a person who had someone
who loved them and they treated like they hated.

If anything, there were lessons in that.
IT'S NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND
THAT THERE ARE THINGS I DON'T WANT
OR EVEN NEED.

AND I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE WAITING
FOR ANYONE TO JUST DECIDE. ABOUT ME. LOL.

BECAUSE? IT'S MY LIFE TO DECIDE ABOUT ME.
AT THE SAME TIME, NOT EVERYONE CAN COME WITH US.

But imagine the person you wanted something with
AND HAD THEY BEEN HONEST AND FAIR
IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO DAMN HARD.
HAD THEY SEEN THINGS FROM MY POV.

But some people just won't be satisfied.
They can BE WITH SOMEONE
WHILE BEING DEPRESSED ABOUT TWO OTHERS FFS.

And I want to say that THIS IS WHY.
BECAUSE I HAD TO SEE THIS SH*T FOR MYSELF.

AND REALIZE SOME THINGS.
BECAUSE ALTHOUGH THINGS COULD HAVE
JUST BEEN SIMPLE, IT WASN'T.

BUT NOBODY CAN TURN AROUND
AFTER THE FACTS
THEN DECIDE. BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE.

YEARS AGO.

But it's like this:
Tying to argue with the facts
DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACTS
FROM BEING FACTS.

PEOPLE STILL DID WHAT THEY DID.
THEY STILL CHOSE TO DO WHAT THEY DID.

Did my ex really have to punch me in the head?
Or did he just feel like doing it TO ME at the time?
Even in the moment, it was still a moment
WHERE HE COULD HAVE TOLD HIMSELF
HE WASN'T BEING FAIR TO ME
BY NOT DOING HIS JOB
AND EXPECTING ME TO PUT UP WITH
HAVING TO DO EXTRA WORK
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.

SO THINGS FELL BEHIND.
AND IT BOTHERED ME AND BOTHERED ME
UNTIL I GOT UPSET ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE IT WAS NOT FAIR TO ME.

THEN GET UPSET WITH ME FOR BEING UPSET?
WHAT WAS I UPSET ABOUT, THOUGH?
UPSET FOR NO REASON?

Then to get punched in the head. On top of that.
On top of not respecting me ENOUGH
to not put extra sh*t on me.

And everything over the last 5 years or so.
DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO TRY.
FOR WHAT? THE ONLY THING I GOT OUT OF IT
IS GETTING MYSELF OUT OF IT.

BECAUSE OF THE BULLSH*T.
People who haven't worked on themselves
enough to be mature ENOUGH
NOT TO DO SH*T LIKE THAT.

But people can take the opportunity to just do that.
Instead of wasting time on people who want you to wait
BECAUSE TIMING'S WRONG
OR WHATEVER ELSE...

But why should I have to be the person
who has to get them to see

WTF THEY ARE DOING WHEN THEY ALREADY KNOW?

OR SHOULD KNOW.
EITHER PRETEND THEY DON'T...
OR ACT LIKE THEY DON'T...
OR BOTH. PLUS MORE.

I didn't sign up for any of that bullsh*t.
How many times does someone have to BETRAY ME?

I can disconnect, too.
If you don't choose me am I supposed to wait around until you do?
F*CK NO!!!!!!!!!! 

MISSED OPPORTUNITY.

AND ALL THEY CAN DO IS REFLECT
ON THE CHOICES THEY MADE.

BLAMING ME OR TRYING TO BLAME ME
FOR HOW THEY CHOSE TO ACT TOWARDS ME.

IT'S F*CKING EXHAUSTING.
I AM EXHAUSTED.

SO NOBODY CAN GET OR BE MAD AT ME
FOR SOMETHING THEY KNOW
I WOULDN'T DO TO THEM.

OR FOR REALIZING SOMETHING I NEEDED TO SEE.
THEY COULD HAVE REALIZED THINGS, TOO.

DIDN'T. 
BECAUSE IF THEY HAD,
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT WAY
TOWARDS ME.

Maybe I clung to the hope of them realizing it,
but when they already know that
and try to use it against you...

It's easier to just try to find "someone new"
THAN TO DO WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FAIR?

WHY DID I WAIT FOR JUST "FAIR"?

I MEAN, IF YOU ARE IN IT FOR YOURSELF
YOU CAN'T EXPECT SOMEONE TO WAIT.

That would be selfish and inconsiderate. Correct?
Expect them to put themselves and their life on hold
UNTIL YOU DECIDE TO DECIDE LOL.

How long would I have waited, though?



















Okay, well, if everyone else in their life HURT THEM.
SO THEY RUN FROM IT.
EXPECTING ME TO DO THAT SH*T, TOO.

BUT DO THEY HAVE TO SH*T ON ME?
SHOULD I SH*T ON THEM?

YOU CAN'T GO FROM THAT BS
TO WANTING WHAT I WANTED IN THE BEGINNING.
WHEN THAT COULD HAVE BEEN THERE.
INSTEAD OF THE BS.

The BS they created.
By running from nothing?
By choosing what they chose?

How is anything supposed to be "the same"?
There's a such thing as WAITING TOO LONG.


YOU DON'T FIND PEOPLE WITH GENUINE INTENTIONS
EVERY DAY.

AFTER EVERYTHING THEY STILL WON'T DECIDE.

THEY DID WHAT THEY DID ON PURPOSE LOL.
THEY CAN DECIDE ON THAT, RIGHT?

THEN TRY TO HAVE THE AUDACITY 
THAT I WAS THE ISSUE.

BECAUSE WHY NOT BLAME IMMATURITY
ON SOMEONE ELSE?

AND THEY WANTED TO PLAY
SOME TYPES OF GAMES....

I mean, I had enough patience
for people to get it right. FOR ME.
BECAUSE THAT'S PRETTY MUCH
ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.

NOT GIFTS. 
JUST GETTING IT RIGHT IS THE GIFT.
THAT KEEPS GIVING.


SO DO I HAVE TO JUST BE MISERABLE
WITH ALL THE AUDACITY?

OR DEPRESSED BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T
CHOOSE ME, BUT CHOSE THE DRAMA INSTEAD.

THEY DID WHAT THEY DID TO GET A REACTION.

YOU CAN'T JUST COME BACK
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.


I mean, keep going back to the ex who cheats on you.
Cheated on you while she was pregnant...
AND HAVE MORE CONSIDERATION FOR HER
THAN FOR ME.

WHERE WAS HER CONSIDERATION FOR HIM
WHEN SHE WAS OUT THERE DOING THAT SH*T
AND ALL KINDS OF OTHER SH*T
THAT WASN'T FAIR TO HIM ETC?

WHERE WAS MY CONSIDERATION?
If you want all that, cool. I'm not here to stop you from it.
BUT DON'T TREAT ME LIKE I'M NOT WORTH IT
WHEN YOU DON'T GET YOUR WAY.

But just take my kindness for weakness like you can just do that.
Because they were choices.

People want to "replace" me. That's fine.
But not everyone is "the same."